Our Cartoon President (2017) s03e04 Episode Script
Fox News
1 I'm Ch Excuse me.
I'm Chuck Todd, and I prefer the middle seat.
The results are in from the New Hampshire primary, and Bernie Sanders is the winner.
I said it now you Bernie Bros can stop Photoshopping me in the shower with the devil.
Here's how the candidates addressed their supporters.
Uh, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh! Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh! Keep it down! - We cannot let the DNC know that I won! - Everyone, very quietly, walk to Nevada.
If anyone asks, you're throwing a surprise bachelor party for our work friend Steve.
Congratulations to Senator Sanders on his victory tonight.
It's clear now it's a two-man race between me and Donald Trump! You all thought my campaign was dead.
Turns out I'm the corpse in a horror flick that snaps back to life and bites your fuckin' face off! Rawr-rawr-rawr-rawr-rawr-rawr! This race ain't over! I just gotta pick myself up by my bootstraps and look forward to South Carolina! - Holy crap! I'm already here! - My bus quantum leaped me! I, Andrew Yang, am suspending my campaign and endorsing Bernie Sanders, who will advance my message of limitless cash for doing nothing.
Hey, Bernie? Which way is Nevada? - West! - Okay.
Is west left or right? It's that way! Now shut up! I have the names of everyone who didn't vote for me! What am I gonna do to the people on this list? Oh, I don't know, but I'm excited to find out! Wait! I've figured out my path to the nomination! Ah, crap! I forgot about the votes! Anytime I eat a ham-and-turkey sandwich, I imagine a turkey and a pig fightin' it out in my guts! Anyway, vote for me, Barack Obama.
We all know where this is goin'.
Let's do this.
I, Peter Paul Montgomery Buttigieg, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of the Hey, Pete! I see you didn't vote for me! Everyone run.
Go! Go! Go! Okay.
Who broke the TV? It's not playing my face.
Oh, this? It's my diploma from Harvard.
What a great fundraiser, huh? We've already raised enough to cover your legal fees for three weeks! Let's get week four covered where's the NRA? Hold on.
Is that Brett Kavanaugh I smell? Hey, girlfriend! I shouldn't even be here, but I owe my entire career to your ignorance of my much-publicized crimes! GLGLGLGLGLG! Why is this straw doing this?! I'm a good man! Hey! Ted Cruz! You here to lick my ass? It's what I do! Say, I've been lookin' everywhere.
Where are your adoring media sycophants? Oh, Fox News? You know those guys work, work, work.
Is everything alright? It sounds like when my wife found out the true nature of my character and started sleeping in the garage.
Everything's fine.
We're in such a healthy relationship I say and do whatever I want, and they tell me I'm great.
I've been told I was great my whole life, and now I'm perfectly well-adjusted.
Waiter! Why are your straws trying to destroy my family?! Oh, my God, Fox News, what a night.
The bartender cut off Brett Kavanaugh, so he chugged the contents of a fire extinguisher and Fox News! Americans are tired of politicians attempting to improve their lives.
You're cheating on me with a Democrat?! Does me transcribing your entire day's programming into my tweets mean nothing to you?! I'm sleeping at my lawyer's! Welcome back to the Nevada Presidential Forum.
You already know my stump speech by heart, so I'm gonna skip the words and just hit the notes.
In my view For far too long! Dude, you gotta speak at Red Rocks! That was tremendous.
They gave a standing ovation to my five-minute coughing fit.
You had them eating expired lozenges out of the palm of your hand.
Way to go, Bernie! That's the sort of grassroots energy that carries you straight to the White House.
Thank you.
And might I add that I dig your new look.
Let me guess you also got that jacket at Disheveled Dan's Fabric Dump Off the I-91 on the way to Brattleboro! Precisely! Oh, Liz, this is my brilliant wife, campaign manager, and mother to our apricot tree, Jane.
Hi, I'm Bernie Sanders' wife, campaign manager, and apricot mother.
Bernie and I appreciate the enthusiasm across the country.
I told ya, she's brilliant.
Well, if you'll excuse me, my cardiologist has to run a pipe cleaner - through my heart.
- Tremendous! One percent.
And Of the one percent.
O-Of the one percent.
Don, Ivanka, Don's brother you've probably noticed that me and Fox News have been fighting a lot, and Fox News has had some special visitors lately.
We know you're breaking up with them.
Just promise that Jesse Watters can still watch Kimberly and I do it gorilla-style.
Is it because I whizzed in my hamper? It certainly didn't help, but you guys don't need to worry.
Fox News and I will get through this.
We've invested so much in each other.
I always thought Obama was the Lockerbie bomber.
- Right! Me too! - I also always thought that right now, too! It's like we're meant for each other.
This may sound forward, but do you want kids in cages? For a long time I didn't, but then I met the right president, and now I think I just might.
What are you doing? Ah, I'm just watching TV.
What are you doing? Ah, just doing the show you're watching.
Everything will be fine.
Fox News is the only love I've ever known.
There's no way this guy's a hedge-fund manager at 23.
Swipe left.
I've worked my whole life to advance democratic socialism, and now the party is finally coming around on Medicare for All.
Maybe it's time to escape the hustle and bustle of downtown Burlington and settle somewhere in upstate Vermont.
I think we should downsize anyway.
I'm not the Queen of Versailles; I don't need one and a half bathrooms.
After Bernie, it was Elizabeth Warren's turn to woo Nevada voters.
One percent of the one percent! We need to take steps towards Medicare for All! She appropriated Native Americans, and now she's appropriating me! Remember what the doctor said "Too much arm flailing, and your heart will squirt out of your nose like soft serve".
Don't get me wrong.
I am happy to have my issues out there.
- But come on! - Don't stress.
Let's just go sleep on our rock-hard Murphy bed with two inflatable camping pillows.
I just feel like you need to tell me if you're going to see other candidates.
Whoa! I mean, we gave him a forum, but it didn't mean anything! Yeah, we were talking about you the entire time.
Sometimes it feels like you don't support my passion for extorting foreign governments to destroy my political rivals.
That's ridiculous! Tell you what first thing tomorrow morning, - we're having a phoner.
- Really?! Just you, the three of us, and a million old people descending into madness and isolation.
One percent of the top one percent of the one percent Bernie, how come you're not asleep? I got the five space heaters on just how you like it.
Jane, I am okay with my opponents jacking my swag, but we all know they're just gonna ditch my policies - when the primary is over.
- Don't be silly.
Didn't Joe Biden pledge to raise taxes on billionaires? Yes! But then he winked both eyes and screamed, "Psych!" thinking he was whispering.
You'll see at the debate.
I bet more than one of them answers a question on wealth inequality by whipping out a landlord's severed head.
Are you almost ready? Yes, Mr.
President.
Coming to you in 3, 2, 1.
And let's bring on the President! I Oh, no, Mr.
President! We have breaking news! North Korea has just tested a nuclear-tipped intercontinental ballistic missile! Stay tuned to Fox News for wall-to-wall coverage! We will be monitoring and escalating the situation as it unfolds.
That's all for today.
Mr.
President, we are so sorry we stood you up.
If you never want to talk to us again, we totally understand.
Also, I think I left a microfleece vest in your office.
Could you send it back? It's my favorite microfleece.
You know, never mind.
Keep it.
Actually, no, send it back if you could.
Welcome to tonight's debate in Nevada, home of the greatest movie in the world Hangover.
I'm Chris Cuomo, and I've read every issue of Men's Journal.
The first question goes to Vice President Biden.
Do you support Medicare for All or what? Of course.
I will fight to my last breath for whatever the hell you just said.
I have a plan that promises Medicare for all who don't read past the plan's title page! I agree.
Medicare for All, Medicare for Some, Medicare for None.
I support any of the above.
Sounds like everyone's in complete agreement.
Let's go out and steal some stop signs, ah? - Whoo! - Wait! Yeesh! What do you want, Mr.
Yackety-Yack? Well, Chris, these candidates are yacketing my yack.
And the question is, do they believe in these policies or are they simply appropriating them when it's convenient? What did you say? I was thinking of a naked lady.
It is now my mission to hold you all to the socialist promises you've made during this primary campaign so we can finally bring compassion to America! Va-va-voom.
She is perfect! Sir, according to the intelligence reports, the North Koreans are days from being able - to strike the United States.
- You know what, I'm so over Fox News.
I'm sick of them treating me like trash.
I'm smart, I got an ass you can bounce a quarter off, and any network would be lucky to have me.
Ooooooooo! If you're so over Fox News, call Rupert Murdoch and break it off right now.
Do it! Do it! Do it! No, I'm busy.
I'm hearing about Pompeo's nuclear whatever.
Nuclear threat to the homeland.
- I knew you weren't over them! - Oh, my God.
Fine! It's ringing! G'day.
How ya goin'? You can keep all your quarters rolled up because you're never gonna bounce them off this ass again.
Who's this? And now the spotlight's on me! Whooaaa I'm an angel in disguise And it's time to set me free Put the spotlights on me Spotlight! Obviously, I take care of my body.
I have a demanding job, but I don't take it too seriously.
I have stupid kids.
I hope that's okay.
What else? Oh, on the weekends, I like to get out of the city and visit my lawyers in prison.
What's your deal? We usually don't have the President on our network.
It's mostly just me yelling at a 400-inch iPad.
Or passing along debate questions to whoever the DNC tells us to.
This is all new to me, too.
I mean, I just got out of a really toxic relationship.
It's like I do everything right, and they still criticize me 24 seconds a day, seven days a year.
I'm sorry I'm not perfect! I'm sorry I tweet out their home addresses if they use the wrong adjective to describe my jaw line.
I'm just quirky! I'm sorry.
I-I-I promised myself I wouldn't talk about my ex! Hey, look at me.
I see you.
You're the President.
And you deserve a network that respects you through every one of your public manic episodes.
- Thank you.
- Why don't we bring you home? Okay.
I live in the White House.
And it's hell! It's Sunday morning.
It's Meet the Presley.
It was Elvis Presley's birthday last month.
We're here with Bernie Sanders after he made there's no other way to say it a splash in the latest Democratic debate.
Good morning, Senator.
And he is on satellite.
Good morning, Doctor Sanders Senator Sanders.
- And how are you this fine S - Chuck, I'm gonna cut you off so you can get ahold of yourself.
In my hand, I hold a pledge that I am very politely asking all Democratic candidates to sign in blood stating that, in the general election, they will support socialist priorities, namely Medicare for All and sky-high taxes for anyone who uses multiple forks at a single meal.
Wow.
Two splashes.
What are you, jumping in a pool twice? And you know what? I'm tossing in here "ending Chuck Todd's reign on terror on Meet the Press".
Okay.
Wow.
That happened.
So it was awkward with CNN.
My first date with my mistress was brutal.
My other mistress came in and sat on my lap, and they started pulling each other's hair, smacking each other with floor lamps.
It was a weird day at the office.
I guess, worst case, I'll get a fun live shot out of it.
That's the spirit! Hey, while you're there, can you ask Anderson Cooper if he's got a chunky aunt for me to go nuts on? Joey, bubby, are we signing my socialism pledge or what? Think how fantastic you're gonna look with this albatross around your neck.
Yeah, no, I'm not going left, pal.
If anything, I'm thinking about coming out against public schools! Liz, it's got the socialism, the Medicare for All, the Seizing the Means of Production How is that thing gonna play in Florida? Let me tell you something about old voters they love change and upheaval.
Hello? Young man? - Is your father home? - Excuse me? Amy, Joe Biden is on the other line begging to sign this.
Oh, he's with you? Okay, I lied.
Ask if he's changed his mind.
Well, what's it gonna take to get your bloody signature on my pledge?! So, how left can I put ya down for? I'll take out the Medicare for All, but you gotta give me the Green New Deal.
It's a steal at 50 trillion.
Tulsi, I didn't wanna have to go there, but I am dying.
You gotta sign this.
It is my dying wish! What about North Korea's continued aggression? - Do you have a statement?! - Not really.
I've been pretty much focused on putting me first for a change.
Oh, h-h-hey, Wolf.
- Hey.
How you been? - Good.
- That dinner the other night went - terrible.
So awkward! What was that? It's been a while.
We haven't given you an unchecked platform for months.
Totally.
Hey you wanna see a great view of the Washington Monument? - What do you think? - It's gorgeous.
I don't take any ol' news network up here.
- You're special.
- You too.
Hey, I have a live shot later.
Wanna join? I haven't done a live shot with another network in a while.
Don't worry.
We'll take it slow.
Lights on or off? I like it with the lights on, so our viewers can see us, you know.
I'm into it if you are.
This is fucked up.
We're on in three, two, one! - I'm here with President Trump.
- Mr.
Trump, how does it feel to be on C NN? Feels like I got my groove back.
Spotlight on me Spotlight! So you're going to espouse socialist policies but not sign the pledge? That's like driving all the way down to Disheveled Dan's and only buying the itchiest scarf on Earth! Bernie, this is America, folks! We spit lefty nonsense, then once we win the primary, claim amnesia and run hard right! Maybe you all need a little encouragement.
In you go.
The Democrats pay lip service to progressive ideas, yet they won't sign a pledge to classify every Patagonia vest-wearer as an enemy combatant.
Makes you wonder are they beholden to some shady, vaguely named Political Action Committees? Paid for by Americans for Good Americans Like You Don't Worry About It PAC.
This airs nationwide unless you sign by midnight.
And, yes, I will be awake, trying to take a piss.
Thanks to my fellow Democrats' signatures on this pledge, soon every American will have the same quality of life as the unemployed Italian guys sitting around the palazzo.
And I've just been informed by Disheveled Dan himself that each candidate will receive one free weird brown sweater with a zipper down the middle so you're not sure if it's a sweater or a jacket.
Anyways, it's too dangerous for tourists to visit the Washington Monument for at least a decade.
Soooo is anyone gonna ask about my live shot with CNN? Ooh, how'd it go? Spill, bitch.
Amazing.
I feel alive again My amphetamines taste better, I want to watch CNN even when I'm not on it.
Someday I can see me and CNN having a show together.
- Ooooooo! - Oh, now, that's nice! I'm very proud of you for moving on, especially after what Fox News did with Joe Biden last night.
- What is wrong with you?! - What the hell, man?! W-What did they do with Joe Biden? Oh, my God.
You opposed bussing? You are so funny! Whoa.
Me? No.
You're the funny one! Wait a minute.
Hannity used to say the same thing to me! Get a new line, you dog! Dude, you should revoke Fox's FCC license.
Oh! Or tweet a picture of my nads and say they're Hannity's.
No.
That's just what we wants.
We're all going to sit down and be adults about this.
Jane, we did it! It's only a matter of time before we are dining on the vital organs of Wall Street executives.
That'll be almost as cool as this Democratic shindig.
- Everyone looks hot tonight! - What the hell?! You guys are ripping off my Bernie rip-off! Did all yours come with cigarette butts in the pockets? Yes.
Jeff Bezos? How the hell did you get in here? I'm the richest person ever.
I can do whatever I want.
Yesterday, I bought my car a gift.
I don't know what you Democrats think you're doing with this pledge, but you better knock it off! And I do mean same-day.
Yes, Mr.
Bezos.
Good.
Now I must go explain to authorities why I shouldn't have to pay workers in between footsteps.
Oh, and get him! I just want to reiterate that this pledge is the right thing to do.
I'm sure that's more important than your donor money, power, and run! - Here's your microfleece.
- Thank you.
See? There's no reason that an autocrat, his old media arm, and his new media arm can't all be friends.
I'm so happy to hear you say that.
Fox News is really happy, and we're happy you're happy, too.
Oh, we're so happy.
Tell him, Wolf.
Tell him how happy we are.
I shouldn't have ordered scallops.
They're hit or miss.
I feel like such a bozo.
Ha ha ha ha! Isn't he funny?! Tell 'em that funny thing you said before.
No, it was just funny in the moment.
Oh, it was pretty funny.
He's so funny.
- Don't be shy.
- I'm not shy.
I just don't think it will live up to the hype.
Oh, tell 'em! I saw a dog and said, "He should run Congress".
- I am humiliated.
- Delivery was better before.
So, Biden, tell me about you You tried to destroy me, you son of a bitch! Joe, you promised! Ooh, sounds like you guys are doing sooo well.
Wolf, you're skin and bones.
Let me feed you.
I told you, I'm allergic to nightshade vegetables.
Wolf, you're embarrassing me.
I can't believe Fox News moved on so quickly! Did you see how every time Biden said a talking point, Hannity winced? Honeymoon over.
Wow.
You really talk a lot about Fox News.
It was a really special thing.
I mean, I introduced Roger Ailes to my parents' graves, but I am so over them.
You know what? I'm gonna revoke Fox's FCC license right now.
I don't have time to play games.
Do us networks out here on the scene a favor don't mess with our hearts until yours is open for business.
Let me out here.
Oh, come on, Wolf! You don't even know where you are! Your eyes are swollen shut! Oh, he always gets like this around the holidays.
Damn it! That's perfectly good wine.
Bernie, are they going to kill us? Don't worry.
We'll be fine as long as this hatchback behaves for the next mile as it has for the first 250,000.
God damn it! One percent, one percent, one percent! One day we should try filling up the tank enough to make the little gas light turn off.
Some nights are cold Don't be upset! You got your live shot! Go find another network.
OAN's been asking about you.
They want it too bad.
It's gross.
Those ones are the most fun! And don't worry nobody's gonna find out you're on OAN.
Are you kidding me?! Kim Jong-un escalating tensions with the U.
S.
North Korea just openly threatened to nuke Honolulu.
They're acting like I don't even exist! I'm two seconds away from swearing off TV forever.
Uh! No! Don't do it! You're gonna regret it for the rest of your life! My mind's telling me no, but my desire to be on television is telling me hubba-hubba hamana-hamana-hamana awooooga! Good morning, sunshine! That live shot was amazing! You fell asleep the moment it was over.
Ugh! Lou Dobbs? I can't believe I appeared on Fox Business.
No, no, no.
I get what this is.
So, do you want to get breakfast or ? Uh, I-I gotta run.
Security briefings and all that.
Oh, well, I have to sand down some dead skin anyway.
Y-You have my number.
If you ever want to get coffee or demonize an entire race Yeah, yeah.
I-I'll call ya.
- Great.
W-When? - Uh ya duh red uh I think they're gone.
Sleeping under the glovebox made me miss our rock-hard bed.
Before we leave, grab the Tupperware and squeegee some of that wine into it.
I left the Tupperware at home to soak our weekly lentil portion.
Okay, don't panic! How do we get Tupperware to the middle of nowhere fast? I am so sorry.
Bernie, no! Oh! No! We have to.
We can't waste this wine.
It is sustainable, organic, and locally sourced! No one can know that we did this.
Hey.
Hey, Wolf.
Here's your microfleece.
These things are so forgettable, huh? I "forgot" it so I could see you again.
Look, what you have with Fox News is special.
It's not every day that a president finds a network who repeats what he says unconditionally.
But I can't go back to them.
What if they hurt me again? State and media relationships are hard, but knowing you're in it for something bigger than either of you pulls you through, and that something is enriching yourselves.
You're so right, Wolf.
Hey, is Fox News still in Midtown Manhattan? Breaking news with Fox's FFC license revoked, they're moving to London to try their luck stoking nationalistic paranoia overseas.
Their flight leaves first thing in the morning.
- Thanks for the ride, Barack.
- Uh, not a problem.
I was in the area location scouting for a Netflix show about a guy who thinks he has it all figured out, uh, but get this he doesn't.
So, shifting the party to the left.
You think it's a mistake? If it were 2008, I'd say, "Big mistake".
- Well, screw you! - But - Oh, there was more.
- 2008 was a long time ago.
Back then, Mitch McConnell hadn't fully latched onto the devil's teat.
So now, I want the party to move so far left that to get anything done, Mitch will have to reach across the aisle and shake hands with a bong.
That's what I've been saying! Now I just need to convince my party that I caucus with reluctantly.
Better go quick.
They're in Washington right now, figuring out how to boot you out of the Beltway.
A North Korean nuclear-armed submarine has been detected off the coast of Hawaii, which is romantic even for a solo traveler.
The President has yet to respond because he is attending to a matter of far greater importance true love.
Oh, God.
I'm crying.
Ah ah-ah-ah.
Ah.
Are we sure this is the right move? As sure as I am that whenever I'm in public, someone is giving me the finger one inch behind my head.
You're right.
Wait! Stop the boat or plane or whatever! Don't go, Fox News! It's over, Trump! We've been DM'ing with Boris Johnson, and he's just so passionate about destroying multiculturalism! And he's got an accent, baby! I know the mutually beneficial financial relationship between the White House and corporate media makes things complicated, but if you're willing to give me another chance, I'm willing to shred the First Amendment! Are we sure we should expel Bernie from the caucus? Fuck him! Not one of the extremely nice Minnesota racists like him.
I'm convinced, mostly because Amy said if I defied her, she'd beat me with my own femur.
Wait! Now, this might be the wine-windshield wiper fluid cocktail I just drank, but hear me out! If we stay left, the people will follow us off the cliff onto the utopian rocks below.
We're Americans, Bernie, and that means we cherish the freedom to die in the emergency-room lobby, begging to see a doctor! That's what Republicans want you to think because they want you to compromise even though they have zero intention of doing the same.
So screw compromise! I didn't compromise on my bed being made of hickory, and I haven't regretted it since! Come on, Fox News! Say yes! It just feels right! Look, you've gotta let us interview Democrats! The more fair and balanced we appear, the more we can do for you! Nope.
Sorry.
Too insecure.
- Ah! What do you say, Rupert? - It's moot now.
His propeller ruined the damn jet! Invoice me! I'll ignore it! Trump, you son of a bitch.
Let's do it! Let's reestablish our destructive co-dependent relationship.
Come here, you boot-licking garbage slingers! Come on, Democrats! You gotta stick with me! Let's try running on popular policies for once.
Let's say the things that actually got my lazy, unshaven supporters off their couch-beds! And let's follow through with some of it! No more shopping at Disheveled Dan's.
And screw your stupid pledge! I only spill other people's blood! Fine.
But do me a favor.
When you repeat my ideas word for word, try to defend them even after someone raises the slightest concern? - Fine.
- No one's happy.
Great! And one more thing.
Disheveled Dan's just rebranded as Fancy Dan's Dirty Suits for Dapper Gents, so you can't stop me, baby! One percent of one percent of one percent of one percent We're so glad you're back, President Trump.
Thanks for being my unrepentant mouthpiece.
So, what do you want to talk about? The North Korea nuclear threat? I've no idea what you're talking about.
Let's just be.
Sounds good to me.
Oh, my God.
Rupert is freaking out about his jet.
Shut up! What kind of asshole cares only about material wealth? Oh, did you hear I got my catheter gilded? Ooo! Trump!
I'm Chuck Todd, and I prefer the middle seat.
The results are in from the New Hampshire primary, and Bernie Sanders is the winner.
I said it now you Bernie Bros can stop Photoshopping me in the shower with the devil.
Here's how the candidates addressed their supporters.
Uh, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh! Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh! Keep it down! - We cannot let the DNC know that I won! - Everyone, very quietly, walk to Nevada.
If anyone asks, you're throwing a surprise bachelor party for our work friend Steve.
Congratulations to Senator Sanders on his victory tonight.
It's clear now it's a two-man race between me and Donald Trump! You all thought my campaign was dead.
Turns out I'm the corpse in a horror flick that snaps back to life and bites your fuckin' face off! Rawr-rawr-rawr-rawr-rawr-rawr! This race ain't over! I just gotta pick myself up by my bootstraps and look forward to South Carolina! - Holy crap! I'm already here! - My bus quantum leaped me! I, Andrew Yang, am suspending my campaign and endorsing Bernie Sanders, who will advance my message of limitless cash for doing nothing.
Hey, Bernie? Which way is Nevada? - West! - Okay.
Is west left or right? It's that way! Now shut up! I have the names of everyone who didn't vote for me! What am I gonna do to the people on this list? Oh, I don't know, but I'm excited to find out! Wait! I've figured out my path to the nomination! Ah, crap! I forgot about the votes! Anytime I eat a ham-and-turkey sandwich, I imagine a turkey and a pig fightin' it out in my guts! Anyway, vote for me, Barack Obama.
We all know where this is goin'.
Let's do this.
I, Peter Paul Montgomery Buttigieg, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of the Hey, Pete! I see you didn't vote for me! Everyone run.
Go! Go! Go! Okay.
Who broke the TV? It's not playing my face.
Oh, this? It's my diploma from Harvard.
What a great fundraiser, huh? We've already raised enough to cover your legal fees for three weeks! Let's get week four covered where's the NRA? Hold on.
Is that Brett Kavanaugh I smell? Hey, girlfriend! I shouldn't even be here, but I owe my entire career to your ignorance of my much-publicized crimes! GLGLGLGLGLG! Why is this straw doing this?! I'm a good man! Hey! Ted Cruz! You here to lick my ass? It's what I do! Say, I've been lookin' everywhere.
Where are your adoring media sycophants? Oh, Fox News? You know those guys work, work, work.
Is everything alright? It sounds like when my wife found out the true nature of my character and started sleeping in the garage.
Everything's fine.
We're in such a healthy relationship I say and do whatever I want, and they tell me I'm great.
I've been told I was great my whole life, and now I'm perfectly well-adjusted.
Waiter! Why are your straws trying to destroy my family?! Oh, my God, Fox News, what a night.
The bartender cut off Brett Kavanaugh, so he chugged the contents of a fire extinguisher and Fox News! Americans are tired of politicians attempting to improve their lives.
You're cheating on me with a Democrat?! Does me transcribing your entire day's programming into my tweets mean nothing to you?! I'm sleeping at my lawyer's! Welcome back to the Nevada Presidential Forum.
You already know my stump speech by heart, so I'm gonna skip the words and just hit the notes.
In my view For far too long! Dude, you gotta speak at Red Rocks! That was tremendous.
They gave a standing ovation to my five-minute coughing fit.
You had them eating expired lozenges out of the palm of your hand.
Way to go, Bernie! That's the sort of grassroots energy that carries you straight to the White House.
Thank you.
And might I add that I dig your new look.
Let me guess you also got that jacket at Disheveled Dan's Fabric Dump Off the I-91 on the way to Brattleboro! Precisely! Oh, Liz, this is my brilliant wife, campaign manager, and mother to our apricot tree, Jane.
Hi, I'm Bernie Sanders' wife, campaign manager, and apricot mother.
Bernie and I appreciate the enthusiasm across the country.
I told ya, she's brilliant.
Well, if you'll excuse me, my cardiologist has to run a pipe cleaner - through my heart.
- Tremendous! One percent.
And Of the one percent.
O-Of the one percent.
Don, Ivanka, Don's brother you've probably noticed that me and Fox News have been fighting a lot, and Fox News has had some special visitors lately.
We know you're breaking up with them.
Just promise that Jesse Watters can still watch Kimberly and I do it gorilla-style.
Is it because I whizzed in my hamper? It certainly didn't help, but you guys don't need to worry.
Fox News and I will get through this.
We've invested so much in each other.
I always thought Obama was the Lockerbie bomber.
- Right! Me too! - I also always thought that right now, too! It's like we're meant for each other.
This may sound forward, but do you want kids in cages? For a long time I didn't, but then I met the right president, and now I think I just might.
What are you doing? Ah, I'm just watching TV.
What are you doing? Ah, just doing the show you're watching.
Everything will be fine.
Fox News is the only love I've ever known.
There's no way this guy's a hedge-fund manager at 23.
Swipe left.
I've worked my whole life to advance democratic socialism, and now the party is finally coming around on Medicare for All.
Maybe it's time to escape the hustle and bustle of downtown Burlington and settle somewhere in upstate Vermont.
I think we should downsize anyway.
I'm not the Queen of Versailles; I don't need one and a half bathrooms.
After Bernie, it was Elizabeth Warren's turn to woo Nevada voters.
One percent of the one percent! We need to take steps towards Medicare for All! She appropriated Native Americans, and now she's appropriating me! Remember what the doctor said "Too much arm flailing, and your heart will squirt out of your nose like soft serve".
Don't get me wrong.
I am happy to have my issues out there.
- But come on! - Don't stress.
Let's just go sleep on our rock-hard Murphy bed with two inflatable camping pillows.
I just feel like you need to tell me if you're going to see other candidates.
Whoa! I mean, we gave him a forum, but it didn't mean anything! Yeah, we were talking about you the entire time.
Sometimes it feels like you don't support my passion for extorting foreign governments to destroy my political rivals.
That's ridiculous! Tell you what first thing tomorrow morning, - we're having a phoner.
- Really?! Just you, the three of us, and a million old people descending into madness and isolation.
One percent of the top one percent of the one percent Bernie, how come you're not asleep? I got the five space heaters on just how you like it.
Jane, I am okay with my opponents jacking my swag, but we all know they're just gonna ditch my policies - when the primary is over.
- Don't be silly.
Didn't Joe Biden pledge to raise taxes on billionaires? Yes! But then he winked both eyes and screamed, "Psych!" thinking he was whispering.
You'll see at the debate.
I bet more than one of them answers a question on wealth inequality by whipping out a landlord's severed head.
Are you almost ready? Yes, Mr.
President.
Coming to you in 3, 2, 1.
And let's bring on the President! I Oh, no, Mr.
President! We have breaking news! North Korea has just tested a nuclear-tipped intercontinental ballistic missile! Stay tuned to Fox News for wall-to-wall coverage! We will be monitoring and escalating the situation as it unfolds.
That's all for today.
Mr.
President, we are so sorry we stood you up.
If you never want to talk to us again, we totally understand.
Also, I think I left a microfleece vest in your office.
Could you send it back? It's my favorite microfleece.
You know, never mind.
Keep it.
Actually, no, send it back if you could.
Welcome to tonight's debate in Nevada, home of the greatest movie in the world Hangover.
I'm Chris Cuomo, and I've read every issue of Men's Journal.
The first question goes to Vice President Biden.
Do you support Medicare for All or what? Of course.
I will fight to my last breath for whatever the hell you just said.
I have a plan that promises Medicare for all who don't read past the plan's title page! I agree.
Medicare for All, Medicare for Some, Medicare for None.
I support any of the above.
Sounds like everyone's in complete agreement.
Let's go out and steal some stop signs, ah? - Whoo! - Wait! Yeesh! What do you want, Mr.
Yackety-Yack? Well, Chris, these candidates are yacketing my yack.
And the question is, do they believe in these policies or are they simply appropriating them when it's convenient? What did you say? I was thinking of a naked lady.
It is now my mission to hold you all to the socialist promises you've made during this primary campaign so we can finally bring compassion to America! Va-va-voom.
She is perfect! Sir, according to the intelligence reports, the North Koreans are days from being able - to strike the United States.
- You know what, I'm so over Fox News.
I'm sick of them treating me like trash.
I'm smart, I got an ass you can bounce a quarter off, and any network would be lucky to have me.
Ooooooooo! If you're so over Fox News, call Rupert Murdoch and break it off right now.
Do it! Do it! Do it! No, I'm busy.
I'm hearing about Pompeo's nuclear whatever.
Nuclear threat to the homeland.
- I knew you weren't over them! - Oh, my God.
Fine! It's ringing! G'day.
How ya goin'? You can keep all your quarters rolled up because you're never gonna bounce them off this ass again.
Who's this? And now the spotlight's on me! Whooaaa I'm an angel in disguise And it's time to set me free Put the spotlights on me Spotlight! Obviously, I take care of my body.
I have a demanding job, but I don't take it too seriously.
I have stupid kids.
I hope that's okay.
What else? Oh, on the weekends, I like to get out of the city and visit my lawyers in prison.
What's your deal? We usually don't have the President on our network.
It's mostly just me yelling at a 400-inch iPad.
Or passing along debate questions to whoever the DNC tells us to.
This is all new to me, too.
I mean, I just got out of a really toxic relationship.
It's like I do everything right, and they still criticize me 24 seconds a day, seven days a year.
I'm sorry I'm not perfect! I'm sorry I tweet out their home addresses if they use the wrong adjective to describe my jaw line.
I'm just quirky! I'm sorry.
I-I-I promised myself I wouldn't talk about my ex! Hey, look at me.
I see you.
You're the President.
And you deserve a network that respects you through every one of your public manic episodes.
- Thank you.
- Why don't we bring you home? Okay.
I live in the White House.
And it's hell! It's Sunday morning.
It's Meet the Presley.
It was Elvis Presley's birthday last month.
We're here with Bernie Sanders after he made there's no other way to say it a splash in the latest Democratic debate.
Good morning, Senator.
And he is on satellite.
Good morning, Doctor Sanders Senator Sanders.
- And how are you this fine S - Chuck, I'm gonna cut you off so you can get ahold of yourself.
In my hand, I hold a pledge that I am very politely asking all Democratic candidates to sign in blood stating that, in the general election, they will support socialist priorities, namely Medicare for All and sky-high taxes for anyone who uses multiple forks at a single meal.
Wow.
Two splashes.
What are you, jumping in a pool twice? And you know what? I'm tossing in here "ending Chuck Todd's reign on terror on Meet the Press".
Okay.
Wow.
That happened.
So it was awkward with CNN.
My first date with my mistress was brutal.
My other mistress came in and sat on my lap, and they started pulling each other's hair, smacking each other with floor lamps.
It was a weird day at the office.
I guess, worst case, I'll get a fun live shot out of it.
That's the spirit! Hey, while you're there, can you ask Anderson Cooper if he's got a chunky aunt for me to go nuts on? Joey, bubby, are we signing my socialism pledge or what? Think how fantastic you're gonna look with this albatross around your neck.
Yeah, no, I'm not going left, pal.
If anything, I'm thinking about coming out against public schools! Liz, it's got the socialism, the Medicare for All, the Seizing the Means of Production How is that thing gonna play in Florida? Let me tell you something about old voters they love change and upheaval.
Hello? Young man? - Is your father home? - Excuse me? Amy, Joe Biden is on the other line begging to sign this.
Oh, he's with you? Okay, I lied.
Ask if he's changed his mind.
Well, what's it gonna take to get your bloody signature on my pledge?! So, how left can I put ya down for? I'll take out the Medicare for All, but you gotta give me the Green New Deal.
It's a steal at 50 trillion.
Tulsi, I didn't wanna have to go there, but I am dying.
You gotta sign this.
It is my dying wish! What about North Korea's continued aggression? - Do you have a statement?! - Not really.
I've been pretty much focused on putting me first for a change.
Oh, h-h-hey, Wolf.
- Hey.
How you been? - Good.
- That dinner the other night went - terrible.
So awkward! What was that? It's been a while.
We haven't given you an unchecked platform for months.
Totally.
Hey you wanna see a great view of the Washington Monument? - What do you think? - It's gorgeous.
I don't take any ol' news network up here.
- You're special.
- You too.
Hey, I have a live shot later.
Wanna join? I haven't done a live shot with another network in a while.
Don't worry.
We'll take it slow.
Lights on or off? I like it with the lights on, so our viewers can see us, you know.
I'm into it if you are.
This is fucked up.
We're on in three, two, one! - I'm here with President Trump.
- Mr.
Trump, how does it feel to be on C NN? Feels like I got my groove back.
Spotlight on me Spotlight! So you're going to espouse socialist policies but not sign the pledge? That's like driving all the way down to Disheveled Dan's and only buying the itchiest scarf on Earth! Bernie, this is America, folks! We spit lefty nonsense, then once we win the primary, claim amnesia and run hard right! Maybe you all need a little encouragement.
In you go.
The Democrats pay lip service to progressive ideas, yet they won't sign a pledge to classify every Patagonia vest-wearer as an enemy combatant.
Makes you wonder are they beholden to some shady, vaguely named Political Action Committees? Paid for by Americans for Good Americans Like You Don't Worry About It PAC.
This airs nationwide unless you sign by midnight.
And, yes, I will be awake, trying to take a piss.
Thanks to my fellow Democrats' signatures on this pledge, soon every American will have the same quality of life as the unemployed Italian guys sitting around the palazzo.
And I've just been informed by Disheveled Dan himself that each candidate will receive one free weird brown sweater with a zipper down the middle so you're not sure if it's a sweater or a jacket.
Anyways, it's too dangerous for tourists to visit the Washington Monument for at least a decade.
Soooo is anyone gonna ask about my live shot with CNN? Ooh, how'd it go? Spill, bitch.
Amazing.
I feel alive again My amphetamines taste better, I want to watch CNN even when I'm not on it.
Someday I can see me and CNN having a show together.
- Ooooooo! - Oh, now, that's nice! I'm very proud of you for moving on, especially after what Fox News did with Joe Biden last night.
- What is wrong with you?! - What the hell, man?! W-What did they do with Joe Biden? Oh, my God.
You opposed bussing? You are so funny! Whoa.
Me? No.
You're the funny one! Wait a minute.
Hannity used to say the same thing to me! Get a new line, you dog! Dude, you should revoke Fox's FCC license.
Oh! Or tweet a picture of my nads and say they're Hannity's.
No.
That's just what we wants.
We're all going to sit down and be adults about this.
Jane, we did it! It's only a matter of time before we are dining on the vital organs of Wall Street executives.
That'll be almost as cool as this Democratic shindig.
- Everyone looks hot tonight! - What the hell?! You guys are ripping off my Bernie rip-off! Did all yours come with cigarette butts in the pockets? Yes.
Jeff Bezos? How the hell did you get in here? I'm the richest person ever.
I can do whatever I want.
Yesterday, I bought my car a gift.
I don't know what you Democrats think you're doing with this pledge, but you better knock it off! And I do mean same-day.
Yes, Mr.
Bezos.
Good.
Now I must go explain to authorities why I shouldn't have to pay workers in between footsteps.
Oh, and get him! I just want to reiterate that this pledge is the right thing to do.
I'm sure that's more important than your donor money, power, and run! - Here's your microfleece.
- Thank you.
See? There's no reason that an autocrat, his old media arm, and his new media arm can't all be friends.
I'm so happy to hear you say that.
Fox News is really happy, and we're happy you're happy, too.
Oh, we're so happy.
Tell him, Wolf.
Tell him how happy we are.
I shouldn't have ordered scallops.
They're hit or miss.
I feel like such a bozo.
Ha ha ha ha! Isn't he funny?! Tell 'em that funny thing you said before.
No, it was just funny in the moment.
Oh, it was pretty funny.
He's so funny.
- Don't be shy.
- I'm not shy.
I just don't think it will live up to the hype.
Oh, tell 'em! I saw a dog and said, "He should run Congress".
- I am humiliated.
- Delivery was better before.
So, Biden, tell me about you You tried to destroy me, you son of a bitch! Joe, you promised! Ooh, sounds like you guys are doing sooo well.
Wolf, you're skin and bones.
Let me feed you.
I told you, I'm allergic to nightshade vegetables.
Wolf, you're embarrassing me.
I can't believe Fox News moved on so quickly! Did you see how every time Biden said a talking point, Hannity winced? Honeymoon over.
Wow.
You really talk a lot about Fox News.
It was a really special thing.
I mean, I introduced Roger Ailes to my parents' graves, but I am so over them.
You know what? I'm gonna revoke Fox's FCC license right now.
I don't have time to play games.
Do us networks out here on the scene a favor don't mess with our hearts until yours is open for business.
Let me out here.
Oh, come on, Wolf! You don't even know where you are! Your eyes are swollen shut! Oh, he always gets like this around the holidays.
Damn it! That's perfectly good wine.
Bernie, are they going to kill us? Don't worry.
We'll be fine as long as this hatchback behaves for the next mile as it has for the first 250,000.
God damn it! One percent, one percent, one percent! One day we should try filling up the tank enough to make the little gas light turn off.
Some nights are cold Don't be upset! You got your live shot! Go find another network.
OAN's been asking about you.
They want it too bad.
It's gross.
Those ones are the most fun! And don't worry nobody's gonna find out you're on OAN.
Are you kidding me?! Kim Jong-un escalating tensions with the U.
S.
North Korea just openly threatened to nuke Honolulu.
They're acting like I don't even exist! I'm two seconds away from swearing off TV forever.
Uh! No! Don't do it! You're gonna regret it for the rest of your life! My mind's telling me no, but my desire to be on television is telling me hubba-hubba hamana-hamana-hamana awooooga! Good morning, sunshine! That live shot was amazing! You fell asleep the moment it was over.
Ugh! Lou Dobbs? I can't believe I appeared on Fox Business.
No, no, no.
I get what this is.
So, do you want to get breakfast or ? Uh, I-I gotta run.
Security briefings and all that.
Oh, well, I have to sand down some dead skin anyway.
Y-You have my number.
If you ever want to get coffee or demonize an entire race Yeah, yeah.
I-I'll call ya.
- Great.
W-When? - Uh ya duh red uh I think they're gone.
Sleeping under the glovebox made me miss our rock-hard bed.
Before we leave, grab the Tupperware and squeegee some of that wine into it.
I left the Tupperware at home to soak our weekly lentil portion.
Okay, don't panic! How do we get Tupperware to the middle of nowhere fast? I am so sorry.
Bernie, no! Oh! No! We have to.
We can't waste this wine.
It is sustainable, organic, and locally sourced! No one can know that we did this.
Hey.
Hey, Wolf.
Here's your microfleece.
These things are so forgettable, huh? I "forgot" it so I could see you again.
Look, what you have with Fox News is special.
It's not every day that a president finds a network who repeats what he says unconditionally.
But I can't go back to them.
What if they hurt me again? State and media relationships are hard, but knowing you're in it for something bigger than either of you pulls you through, and that something is enriching yourselves.
You're so right, Wolf.
Hey, is Fox News still in Midtown Manhattan? Breaking news with Fox's FFC license revoked, they're moving to London to try their luck stoking nationalistic paranoia overseas.
Their flight leaves first thing in the morning.
- Thanks for the ride, Barack.
- Uh, not a problem.
I was in the area location scouting for a Netflix show about a guy who thinks he has it all figured out, uh, but get this he doesn't.
So, shifting the party to the left.
You think it's a mistake? If it were 2008, I'd say, "Big mistake".
- Well, screw you! - But - Oh, there was more.
- 2008 was a long time ago.
Back then, Mitch McConnell hadn't fully latched onto the devil's teat.
So now, I want the party to move so far left that to get anything done, Mitch will have to reach across the aisle and shake hands with a bong.
That's what I've been saying! Now I just need to convince my party that I caucus with reluctantly.
Better go quick.
They're in Washington right now, figuring out how to boot you out of the Beltway.
A North Korean nuclear-armed submarine has been detected off the coast of Hawaii, which is romantic even for a solo traveler.
The President has yet to respond because he is attending to a matter of far greater importance true love.
Oh, God.
I'm crying.
Ah ah-ah-ah.
Ah.
Are we sure this is the right move? As sure as I am that whenever I'm in public, someone is giving me the finger one inch behind my head.
You're right.
Wait! Stop the boat or plane or whatever! Don't go, Fox News! It's over, Trump! We've been DM'ing with Boris Johnson, and he's just so passionate about destroying multiculturalism! And he's got an accent, baby! I know the mutually beneficial financial relationship between the White House and corporate media makes things complicated, but if you're willing to give me another chance, I'm willing to shred the First Amendment! Are we sure we should expel Bernie from the caucus? Fuck him! Not one of the extremely nice Minnesota racists like him.
I'm convinced, mostly because Amy said if I defied her, she'd beat me with my own femur.
Wait! Now, this might be the wine-windshield wiper fluid cocktail I just drank, but hear me out! If we stay left, the people will follow us off the cliff onto the utopian rocks below.
We're Americans, Bernie, and that means we cherish the freedom to die in the emergency-room lobby, begging to see a doctor! That's what Republicans want you to think because they want you to compromise even though they have zero intention of doing the same.
So screw compromise! I didn't compromise on my bed being made of hickory, and I haven't regretted it since! Come on, Fox News! Say yes! It just feels right! Look, you've gotta let us interview Democrats! The more fair and balanced we appear, the more we can do for you! Nope.
Sorry.
Too insecure.
- Ah! What do you say, Rupert? - It's moot now.
His propeller ruined the damn jet! Invoice me! I'll ignore it! Trump, you son of a bitch.
Let's do it! Let's reestablish our destructive co-dependent relationship.
Come here, you boot-licking garbage slingers! Come on, Democrats! You gotta stick with me! Let's try running on popular policies for once.
Let's say the things that actually got my lazy, unshaven supporters off their couch-beds! And let's follow through with some of it! No more shopping at Disheveled Dan's.
And screw your stupid pledge! I only spill other people's blood! Fine.
But do me a favor.
When you repeat my ideas word for word, try to defend them even after someone raises the slightest concern? - Fine.
- No one's happy.
Great! And one more thing.
Disheveled Dan's just rebranded as Fancy Dan's Dirty Suits for Dapper Gents, so you can't stop me, baby! One percent of one percent of one percent of one percent We're so glad you're back, President Trump.
Thanks for being my unrepentant mouthpiece.
So, what do you want to talk about? The North Korea nuclear threat? I've no idea what you're talking about.
Let's just be.
Sounds good to me.
Oh, my God.
Rupert is freaking out about his jet.
Shut up! What kind of asshole cares only about material wealth? Oh, did you hear I got my catheter gilded? Ooo! Trump!