Our Cartoon President (2017) s03e05 Episode Script
Hillary 2020
1 - Welcome to tonight's - Democratic Debate in Las Vegas, Nevada.
Good evening.
I'm Lester Holt.
And after a party, you know I'm gonna help clean up.
Thank you, Lester.
I'll take it "form" here.
From here, obviously.
First question do you all wanna answer a question or just dogpile Michael Bloomberg? - Bloomberg! - BLOOOOMBERRRRG!! Wow.
Okay.
It looks like we're starting, and I haven't even said the rules you're going to ignore.
Mike Bloomberg epitomizes the lawless oligarchy corroding the foundations of our democracy! Liz Warren's back on the map, baby! Why do I feel like I'm already off the map? Hey, Bloomberg! You can't buy this election! You gotta earn it! Like me! By keeping your eyes from rollin' out of your head - till November! - Hey, I'm not perfect, but at least I'm not a bloodless corporate shill posing as a humble mayor! Hey! Oh, you meant Bloomberg.
Mr.
Bloomberg, what do you say to those who point to your stop-and-frisk policy as evidence of your racial bias against minorities? The point of this debate is to make me appear likeable, not to discuss my undeniably racist past as mayor.
Hey! Oh, you meant Bloomberg again.
You know what? Just let me know when it's my turn.
Since this is my first debate and my entrance fee was $300 million, at least give me a chance to introduce myself.
Ahem.
I like the one who did the money! Listen, Amy.
I may not have foreign-relations experience, per se, but I have ordered huevos rancheros at brunch multiple times! Are you mocking me? Because the last guy who mocked me was Kirk Douglas! And look what happened! Okay, I may own three houses, but let me assure you I do not heat them, and the rugs are unbearably itchy.
And now a message from tonight's sponsor.
- Hi.
I'm Mike Bloomberg.
- - Oh, come on! - Hey, Bloomberg! The best way to defeat Donald Trump is to vote for someone nominally different than him so you can feel better about yourself while the world stays exactly the same.
Hey! What the Shh.
Amy wants to play a little game! Hey, folks! There's a lady up in the rafters! Okay, enough folksy adages, Mr.
Vice President.
I'm trying unsuccessfully to moderate.
Hey, Pete! How do you say "do not resuscitate" in Español?! - Huevos rancheros.
- That's all from Nevada.
Only 48 states to go before the brokered convention.
Hey, folks! Give me a heads-up if my ears start bleedin', would ya? That debate was a nightmare.
Gentlemen, I have to be honest.
I'm having second thoughts about buying this election.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't tell me American hero Michael Friggin' Bloomberg is throwing in the 10,000 thread count towel! Us billionaires are counting on you to keep the lights on in our summer homes and the lights off in our sensory deprivation tanks! I'm just not sure I have it in me.
My campaign manager said I might have to shake a hand.
But without you, we can kiss the dream of liberal, socially conscious oligarchy goodbye! I need some fresh air.
- Whew! - Yikes.
Anyone here have a good grotto cleaning guy? Pushed mine off my balcony.
And billionaires We need to stop flat wages and strengthen the middle class! They're radicalized! Something must be done! Watch where you're going, billionaire! - Hillary! - A billionaire's only hope.
I'm Jake Tapper, and I ask people what they got on their SA hoping they'll immediately toss the ball my way.
- Donald Trump's back in the news today, - this time for attacking the Kurds.
Here to cover for him, Kellyanne Conway and Larry Kudlow.
I think Trump's really unraveling.
- Shut the fuck up! - Hey, Jake! No one understands the plight of the Kurdish people like Donald Trump.
Then, how do you respond to this? I don't know jack shit about the Kurds except that they're a proud people that the United States bears a moral responsibility to abandon.
That was taken way out of context.
He'll support the heck outta the Kurds and their battle to defeat ISIS.
- Then, how do you respond to this? - Ah, shi I'm not really vibing with the Kurds or ISIS.
I'm kinda hoping Robert Kraft goes over there and starts his own tribe.
If you can defend that, you must be unhealthily obsessed with being on television.
- Coming up, I interview myself - about the time I serenaded my wife at our wedding.
Hi, Bill.
Is Hillary home? Hillary? She's out in the barn.
I'd take you, but I'm not allowed out of the house.
- Peep the shock collar.
- No problem, I'll head aroun It's because of my storied, criminal history of sexual Bill, the less we know about your deal, the better.
Bill, back in the house! Hillary, it's Michael Bloomberg! I spoke at your convention between Henry Kissinger and Lena Dunham.
Oh! Hi! You can be the first to try some of my homemade hot sauce, - a non-calculated passion of mine! - Forget the sauce.
The billionaires need a voice.
You need to run for president.
I'm much happier spending the rest of my life writing books about courageous women with my daughter, Chelsea, who I, um - Love? - Exactly.
Thank you.
But the people want you.
Just look at these polls I planted in Bloomberg News.
With my money and your politics for hire, there's nothing stopping us from stopping socialists from stopping me from hoarding wealth.
Imagine if we could go on television without having to defend that teetotalin' wet ass.
Without the mic guy purposefully electrocuting me with a white-hot frayed wire? I used to rule TV ranting about the Dow, lit as all hell, with the Jim Cramer! Knocky-knocky! I need you to dress to the Tapper tens because I just had my most grounded and rational idea yet.
To wrap up this trade war, what if we rammed naval ships into don't judge yet Chinese shipping freights? It's brilliant in its stupidity, but I'm just not sure that Aaaand tweeted.
All right.
Choppy-choppy! You're on at 4 p.
m.
No way! I'm goin' viral! When my mother and I wrote "The Book of Gutsy Women", it wasn't all work.
- Ha ha! - Wow! Sometimes, we took a break to live, laugh, and gossip about entertainment news.
- Right, Mom? - It's fun writing books with my daughter, who I, uh - Love.
- Right.
So say it, silly! What is it your birthday? Yes, it is.
I'm 40.
Happy birthday.
There.
I said it! - Run, Hillary! - Yeah! Go for it! No, that's behind me.
I'm now focused on being toured around like a book-slinging circus monkey.
But all of us who stood in line for four hours just to get a glimpse of the back of your head agree you're the best candidate! Yeah! All of you? Larry? Connie? It's Tapper O'Clock! Why aren't you defending me?! I've thought of a thousand ways to justify this battleship ramming scheme, and all of them are war crimes! Shh! It's ringing.
I also made it so it can fart.
That's what mine sounds like! Hello? This is the GOA of all time, Elon Musk.
Hey, lame guy the science guy pack your solar-powered luggage or whatever 'cause your country needs you.
As long as the country is not Thailand, I'm in.
Here's what I'm thinking for the next five years.
We pen the story of a racially ambiguous daughter named Lakelynne White, who opens a small, diverse hedge-fund.
Lakelynne courageously uses her earnings to run an inclusive smear campaign against Ilhan Omar.
Hillary, we need you.
Jeffy?! Mother! Chime in.
Uh, I, guess, Lakelynne can meet a barista? Mother, don't pluck my tulip.
I know you're thinking about being President again.
You know how sometimes when you're talking to me, I pause for a few seconds then say, "Interesting"? That's because I'm thinking about being President.
As much as I like copy-pasting Wikipedia articles on suffragettes into Microsoft Word with my mother, at the end of the day, I'm with her! Go, Mother! Chase your dream for the third time! Interesting.
It's time we brace ourselves for the looming class revolution.
Thursday's usual 24-ounce wagyu strip will have to be replaced by a 14-ounce wagyu filet.
- No! - They're treating us like human beings.
We're billionaires, damn it! Order that strip, Michael! And get one for me, with a side of hot sauce, a condiment I enjoy independently of its relation to the black vote.
Because I'm running for President! Thank you, rich God.
If we're going into battle, we need our breathable rayon armor.
Blue.
Hillary Clinton.
Connotes leadership, power, rigidity.
Brownish-grey.
Chelsea Clinton.
Connotes subservience, laughing when it's not that funny, walking behind me when the sidewalk gets too narrow, peeling an orange so ridiculously slow, you have to go take a walk - just to not scream.
- Okay, thank you, Mother.
Green.
Huma Abedin! Connotes poise, perfection, daughterliness.
Didn't Huma's husband, Anthony Weiner, single-handedly annihilate your last campaign? We all have a perverted husband whose sexual addiction dissolves our political career.
But this time, we are playing it safe.
You can do whatever you want to each other! Just don't leave the yard! Fresh air, acorns, sprinkler I've done way worse with way less! Okay, Elon, this better be worth the billion dollars we siphoned from CHIP.
What is that? It's an Oval Office simulator.
It will deadass make the President think all his orders are being followed A-F as fuck.
But no transmissions will go in or out.
You can say "Bye, Felicia" to defending him on television.
- Go ahead.
Say it.
- Bye, Felicia.
Lé cool.
I'm here for this.
Cue the simulator! Ass-ass, Captain! The key to any successful campaign is small-dollar donors.
Let's split up.
You take the Bronx.
Remember no donation is too small.
Here's a coin pouch! Yeah, let me rap my 70-year-old knuckles on a million doors, or ? Add as many zeros as it'll take to win.
The campaign announcement is tomorrow.
Are you available to volunteer for our "Count Me In" phone bank in Gowanus? Hillary, uh, who is this? Go wait in the stairwell, Chels.
Mommy's panhandling.
Was there always a freezing-cold elevator ride to the Oval Office? Uh, yeah, you built it.
They gave you the Nobel Prize for it.
Yeah, and you guys said I couldn't build it! - Remember? - Uh-huh.
Stand by.
That feeling when the eagle has landed goals.
What's this joystick doing here? Uh, that's the same joystick George Washington used to fight the Pilgrims.
Fight the Pilgrims.
Yeah, I know.
Howdy, Mr.
Trump! I'm Charlie! Are you ready for your day as President? Wa-goo! Who's Charlie? He's kinda scary.
Only the coolest White House mascot on Earth! What the fuck am I even saying? Select a mission! Lunch or de-escalating Turkey's military operations in Northern Syria? Well, you can't eat Syria.
You've selected "Lunch".
How many pounds of lunch would you like? No one's ever asked! I stayed up all night writing the speech because I was so excited and because you only booked a two-bedroom so I had to sleep in the lobby with a bag of Minute Maid apple juice as a pillow.
Lordy, was that the speech? Mom, I'm gonna rock this.
Check this out.
"The degradation of norms has never been more" Boring! Check this out.
"A lot of people are using their apps to listen to Lizzo".
Pause for woo-woo's.
"But I think they should Lizz-show up on Election Day and vote for Hillary Clinton!" If you can brilliantly interweave pop culture with revolutionary status-quo ideology like that, you got the gig.
"The cruelty and incompetence of this administration has never been more Riverdale?" That's a Lizz-no from me, dawg! Wait! "A lot of teens are watching The C-W My God.
but I wanna know how can we have those teens 'C' Hillary to the 'W' House?" Huma, could you go get Chelsea the purple pant suit? The one that connotes tolerability? Waaaa-goo, Mr.
President! You've rammed a Chinese ship, received a public apology from Bette Midler, inspired a standing ovation at the Teen Choice Awards, and planted Jim Acosta in the path of a lawnmower! Ahh! Gotta pop open a window, and hear that Acosta squeal! - Oh, my God! We're done for! - Not the window! Oh, he's being extra, and it's, like, low-key not a mood.
Release the golden hat! Congratulations! Your ninth lunch has somehow brokered peace between the Kurds and the Turks! I had a feeling it might.
You've unlocked a golden hat! Whoa, ho, ho, ho! I've always wanted this thing I just found out about.
Holy crap! It worked! We've trapped the President in a glorified phone game! Who's to say we're all not living in a phone game? Who's to say we're all not simply living in a phone game? Yeah, we heard you.
Breaking news.
As has been long-rumored and instinctually feared, - Hillary Clinton is officially - entering the race for the Democratic nomination.
- The Beast of Benghazi, - the Satan of the Servers has awoken from her four-year volcanic slumber! Rise all ye minions to battle! How entitled do you have to be to try and steal the presidency I'm entitled to? I'll start drafting my passive-aggressive endorsement.
It's 63 degrees today she'll get a sun stroke and drop out.
A lot of people are using Instagram.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy! But this President's domestic policies have me sliding out of his DMs and into the voting booth! In fact, I think he can't honor his sacred oath to the Constitution because he's too busy eating hamberders! - Whoo! - I love politics! This speech will seal the deal.
I think we're looking at our next Deputy Press Secretary for North African Digital Outreach.
Without further ado, please welcome the winner of the 2016 popular vote and the winner of the 2020 electoral vote Uh-huhhh! and the only candidate whose campaign will be funded entirely by the billionaire class! Ha ha yeah! Yes, sir! Michael Bloomberg is bankrolling her campaign as long as she continues to keep his tax bracket at a rate of zero or below! Uh, what's this? In the words of my mother not one hour ago Don't quote me, don't quote me.
quote, "I can rap my 70-year-old knuckles on a million doors, or I can strut into the Bloomberg building and sell America's soul to the ninth-richest man in the world!" Lizz-oh my God.
Hillary Clinton seems to be alienating - the coveted "voter" demographic, - while President Trump hasn't had a single recent controversy.
Here to comment, Kellyanne Conway and Larry Kudlow.
We're proud to announce that, this week, the President hasn't tweeted a single genocidally complicit tweet.
Ba-ba-da-ba, ba-ba-baaaa! That's great.
Okay.
Bye-bye! Wait! No questions or condemnations or anything? Eh, since the President hasn't said or done anything reprehensible, there's nothing to discuss.
In other news, j Did the President just do something outrageous? I j I just wanted to, uh Are you caught up on The Masked Singer? Kelly, the interview's over.
I'm a serious newsman, and you're wasting my precious air time.
- Nooooooo! - Coming up, I'll share one of the cartoons I made during office hours.
Billionaires buying my influence is for us to know and for the American people to find out when they're forced to buy their own surgical tools off Amazon.
I just wanted to be a leader like you, but I'm a no-good sole heir to the most un-killable political dynasty in the modern era.
Don't worry.
Your father's proclivities have made me an expert on quashing scandals.
Thank you, Mother! I knew you'd always be there for Chelsea Clinton is no longer associated with this campaign or family! It's sick, what she did! She's the bad Clinton now.
Everyone write that down.
In her stead, we will be adopting a new daughter, Huma Abedin! We look forward to a peaceful transition.
What's all this? We'll talk about it later, Chels! Awk-ward Tapper, baby, wassup, man? You need some guests for the show today? You can roll your eyes while Larry and I rationalize the President fracking an inner-city playground! The President's old hat.
No one's heard from him in days.
And you two are getting on a Tapper's last nerve! I'm so glad he said yes.
I can't wait to go on television Oh, God! Someone call 9-1-1! Actually, hold on.
Sorry.
I had to flush my old drugs down the toilet.
It was from an old jacket.
You know, I'm off that stuff now.
That's old Kudlow.
New Kudlow clean Kuds! Anyway, let's get you some help.
Okay.
Now someone can call! I hope you're happy, Mother! I am so politically toxic, Simon & Schuster said "Color-Blind Hedge-Fund: The Lakelynne White Story" - has been shelved! - Take a step back.
I did what's best for Americans, specifically one American, me.
I was so wrong to spend my every waking minute admiring you! - Dad, let's go.
- Sorry, Chels! Your mother has a manilla folder that makes our arrangement extremely binding.
I need to get out of this house.
I'm getting a four-star hotel.
I'll charge the foundation.
Yeah, I know how to charge the foundation myself! If you're gonna Lizz-go, then just Lizz-go! Welcome to tonight's Democratic Debate.
I'm Anderson Cooper, and I've never once felt a hint of imposter syndrome.
Hi, Andy.
How's your new Springer Spaniel? Please refrain from revealing we all know each other socially.
Secretary Clinton, what do you think your voice brings to the 2020 primary election? I'm just here to represent the issues of my constituents.
And billionaires, according to your own daughter! Boom! Oooohhhhh! I can take the heat.
Otherwise, why would my bag contain hot sauce? Hey! Cultural appropriation is my gaffe.
Get your own! Look, Hillary, w-we don't need you.
We got your whole thing covered.
I'm the billionaire shill, Warren's the pissy mom, Bernie's the one with a hospital bracelet, and Pete's the one who wants it too bad! Hey! Hey! Can I say something? I just wanted to say that there's still some work to be done in Iraq.
I'm still mad at her, but she's got a point about Iraq.
Hey, let's just watch Tapper until the cops get here.
Pretend he's scolding you! Hillary Clinton's back in the race, which brings us to tonight's - President Chump: Hillary Edition.
- Hillary Clinton is racing for the Democratic nomination.
But without Chelsea Clinton, her political boat has started to rock, a genre of music made famous by British celebrity Keith Richards.
No comment has been made by President Chump, which seems fishy? Perhaps the President is out to sea, aboard his favorite vessel, the USS Unaccountable.
And that's our show.
Sorry we didn't get to any news at all.
Stay with me, Kellyanne! Losing relevance fast! Broadcast television! Hurry! A chardonnay and a shot of hot sauce, please? Stop it.
Is this seat bought by the oligarchal class? I just don't get it, Bernie.
I thought everyone wanted me to run again.
You ever love someone, but sometimes some of the things they say make your skin crawl? Chelsea! Is yours Chelsea, too? What I'm saying is that's how America feels about you.
Just because everybody retweets you calling Donald Trump "Lord Voldo-moron" - So true! - doesn't mean they trust you to stand up to Wall Street executives when you're sharing an au pair with them! Maybe people would've liked me if I had someone's "grassroots" endorsement! Don't start.
I campaigned for you more than anyone else! "Oh, I don't know.
I guess if you have to vote, vote for, uh, Hillary something".
It was a full-throated endorsement! The throat was full! Thirty-six hours on, fifteen minutes off.
- Time to get back to work.
- Mr.
President, you need to come out of the Oval Office and do something racist or start a fire or something.
- Charlie?! - No, idiot! Charlie's not real! We created a whole fake Oval Office so we didn't have to defend you when you tweet stuff like "Happy Labor Day to Whites and non-Whites alike".
I'd rather live in a simulated perfect world where everything I say goes than a sometimes rainy real world where everything I say goes.
- Waaa-goo! - But, Kellyanne, man.
S-She needs broadcast television, stat.
She's gonna wither away! Oh, no! One of my employees is in peril! There's no words you could say, Kudlow not one string of words in the world that could possibly pull me out of this incredibly stinky paradise.
Hillary Clinton's - running for President.
- You say what now? Chelsea? It's Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Go away, Mother! I'm drinking my pillow! I wanted to say I'm sorry.
Sure, writing books with you never made me happy, and, sure, I still wish I could fuse some of my blood into Huma's and slap your name on her, but at the end of the day, the daughter I've been given thinks I'm pretty cool, and that's been great for my ego.
And I'm sorry, too.
It was selfish of me to try and make you proud.
From now on, I'll stick to elevating your image, no matter how passed out in an unmarked van from heatstroke you are.
I forgive you, Chelsea.
Now, what do you say we call off this campaign and get back to scouting Craigslist for desperate ghostwriters? Hillary! Must roast Hillary! No bars! Can't tweet! Hillary!!! Breaking: Hillary Clinton - has suspended her campaign, the shortest - and most whip and nae-nae filled in history.
Let's take it live.
I have bad news for the 200 million Americans who planned to vote for me this November Turn on the cameras! I have to insult Hillary! This campaign was never about me.
It was about the millions of Americans who idolize me.
But it's time for me to make room for the new Blue wave.
That's why I'm endorsing fresh-thinking up-and-comer Jeff Bezos! A chicken in every pot, a crap in every pants.
And now my nice daughter, Chelsea, - will say a few words.
- I n And we're cutting away from Hillary's campaign suspension to the White House, where Donald Trump has emerged a little worse for wear.
- Ohh! - Crooked Hillary needs to be locked up! She's colluded with John McCain, with Benghazi because she's inside the Ukraine! Rehr-rehr! Don't let her get away! Now, who on Earth would defend this kind of behavior from the President? Well, helloooo, Jake! - Aaggghhhhh! - It's great to be back.
The fake news media are once again spreading baseless lies.
The President wishes Hillary well.
Public trial! Town square! You're really gonna stand by that, even though it directly contradicts the live feed we have of him yelling? That's right! We may be permanently eroding America's faith in its sacred institutions, but at least we're on TV.
Amen to that! Always a pleasure, Jake, you lying fuck! "And then Lakelynne White realized she should remain secretary of her mother's trust fund and lived happily ever after.
- The end".
- Interesting.
It's so good to be writing again now that this whole "running for President" thing is behind you.
I don't need to be President to be happy.
All I need is my bulletproof ego telling me that I could easily be President if I wanted, and my daughter, Chelsea, who I love! - Mom! You said it! - Yes, I did.
Now go fetch mommy's Saudi burner phone.
2024 is around the corner! Trump!
Good evening.
I'm Lester Holt.
And after a party, you know I'm gonna help clean up.
Thank you, Lester.
I'll take it "form" here.
From here, obviously.
First question do you all wanna answer a question or just dogpile Michael Bloomberg? - Bloomberg! - BLOOOOMBERRRRG!! Wow.
Okay.
It looks like we're starting, and I haven't even said the rules you're going to ignore.
Mike Bloomberg epitomizes the lawless oligarchy corroding the foundations of our democracy! Liz Warren's back on the map, baby! Why do I feel like I'm already off the map? Hey, Bloomberg! You can't buy this election! You gotta earn it! Like me! By keeping your eyes from rollin' out of your head - till November! - Hey, I'm not perfect, but at least I'm not a bloodless corporate shill posing as a humble mayor! Hey! Oh, you meant Bloomberg.
Mr.
Bloomberg, what do you say to those who point to your stop-and-frisk policy as evidence of your racial bias against minorities? The point of this debate is to make me appear likeable, not to discuss my undeniably racist past as mayor.
Hey! Oh, you meant Bloomberg again.
You know what? Just let me know when it's my turn.
Since this is my first debate and my entrance fee was $300 million, at least give me a chance to introduce myself.
Ahem.
I like the one who did the money! Listen, Amy.
I may not have foreign-relations experience, per se, but I have ordered huevos rancheros at brunch multiple times! Are you mocking me? Because the last guy who mocked me was Kirk Douglas! And look what happened! Okay, I may own three houses, but let me assure you I do not heat them, and the rugs are unbearably itchy.
And now a message from tonight's sponsor.
- Hi.
I'm Mike Bloomberg.
- - Oh, come on! - Hey, Bloomberg! The best way to defeat Donald Trump is to vote for someone nominally different than him so you can feel better about yourself while the world stays exactly the same.
Hey! What the Shh.
Amy wants to play a little game! Hey, folks! There's a lady up in the rafters! Okay, enough folksy adages, Mr.
Vice President.
I'm trying unsuccessfully to moderate.
Hey, Pete! How do you say "do not resuscitate" in Español?! - Huevos rancheros.
- That's all from Nevada.
Only 48 states to go before the brokered convention.
Hey, folks! Give me a heads-up if my ears start bleedin', would ya? That debate was a nightmare.
Gentlemen, I have to be honest.
I'm having second thoughts about buying this election.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't tell me American hero Michael Friggin' Bloomberg is throwing in the 10,000 thread count towel! Us billionaires are counting on you to keep the lights on in our summer homes and the lights off in our sensory deprivation tanks! I'm just not sure I have it in me.
My campaign manager said I might have to shake a hand.
But without you, we can kiss the dream of liberal, socially conscious oligarchy goodbye! I need some fresh air.
- Whew! - Yikes.
Anyone here have a good grotto cleaning guy? Pushed mine off my balcony.
And billionaires We need to stop flat wages and strengthen the middle class! They're radicalized! Something must be done! Watch where you're going, billionaire! - Hillary! - A billionaire's only hope.
I'm Jake Tapper, and I ask people what they got on their SA hoping they'll immediately toss the ball my way.
- Donald Trump's back in the news today, - this time for attacking the Kurds.
Here to cover for him, Kellyanne Conway and Larry Kudlow.
I think Trump's really unraveling.
- Shut the fuck up! - Hey, Jake! No one understands the plight of the Kurdish people like Donald Trump.
Then, how do you respond to this? I don't know jack shit about the Kurds except that they're a proud people that the United States bears a moral responsibility to abandon.
That was taken way out of context.
He'll support the heck outta the Kurds and their battle to defeat ISIS.
- Then, how do you respond to this? - Ah, shi I'm not really vibing with the Kurds or ISIS.
I'm kinda hoping Robert Kraft goes over there and starts his own tribe.
If you can defend that, you must be unhealthily obsessed with being on television.
- Coming up, I interview myself - about the time I serenaded my wife at our wedding.
Hi, Bill.
Is Hillary home? Hillary? She's out in the barn.
I'd take you, but I'm not allowed out of the house.
- Peep the shock collar.
- No problem, I'll head aroun It's because of my storied, criminal history of sexual Bill, the less we know about your deal, the better.
Bill, back in the house! Hillary, it's Michael Bloomberg! I spoke at your convention between Henry Kissinger and Lena Dunham.
Oh! Hi! You can be the first to try some of my homemade hot sauce, - a non-calculated passion of mine! - Forget the sauce.
The billionaires need a voice.
You need to run for president.
I'm much happier spending the rest of my life writing books about courageous women with my daughter, Chelsea, who I, um - Love? - Exactly.
Thank you.
But the people want you.
Just look at these polls I planted in Bloomberg News.
With my money and your politics for hire, there's nothing stopping us from stopping socialists from stopping me from hoarding wealth.
Imagine if we could go on television without having to defend that teetotalin' wet ass.
Without the mic guy purposefully electrocuting me with a white-hot frayed wire? I used to rule TV ranting about the Dow, lit as all hell, with the Jim Cramer! Knocky-knocky! I need you to dress to the Tapper tens because I just had my most grounded and rational idea yet.
To wrap up this trade war, what if we rammed naval ships into don't judge yet Chinese shipping freights? It's brilliant in its stupidity, but I'm just not sure that Aaaand tweeted.
All right.
Choppy-choppy! You're on at 4 p.
m.
No way! I'm goin' viral! When my mother and I wrote "The Book of Gutsy Women", it wasn't all work.
- Ha ha! - Wow! Sometimes, we took a break to live, laugh, and gossip about entertainment news.
- Right, Mom? - It's fun writing books with my daughter, who I, uh - Love.
- Right.
So say it, silly! What is it your birthday? Yes, it is.
I'm 40.
Happy birthday.
There.
I said it! - Run, Hillary! - Yeah! Go for it! No, that's behind me.
I'm now focused on being toured around like a book-slinging circus monkey.
But all of us who stood in line for four hours just to get a glimpse of the back of your head agree you're the best candidate! Yeah! All of you? Larry? Connie? It's Tapper O'Clock! Why aren't you defending me?! I've thought of a thousand ways to justify this battleship ramming scheme, and all of them are war crimes! Shh! It's ringing.
I also made it so it can fart.
That's what mine sounds like! Hello? This is the GOA of all time, Elon Musk.
Hey, lame guy the science guy pack your solar-powered luggage or whatever 'cause your country needs you.
As long as the country is not Thailand, I'm in.
Here's what I'm thinking for the next five years.
We pen the story of a racially ambiguous daughter named Lakelynne White, who opens a small, diverse hedge-fund.
Lakelynne courageously uses her earnings to run an inclusive smear campaign against Ilhan Omar.
Hillary, we need you.
Jeffy?! Mother! Chime in.
Uh, I, guess, Lakelynne can meet a barista? Mother, don't pluck my tulip.
I know you're thinking about being President again.
You know how sometimes when you're talking to me, I pause for a few seconds then say, "Interesting"? That's because I'm thinking about being President.
As much as I like copy-pasting Wikipedia articles on suffragettes into Microsoft Word with my mother, at the end of the day, I'm with her! Go, Mother! Chase your dream for the third time! Interesting.
It's time we brace ourselves for the looming class revolution.
Thursday's usual 24-ounce wagyu strip will have to be replaced by a 14-ounce wagyu filet.
- No! - They're treating us like human beings.
We're billionaires, damn it! Order that strip, Michael! And get one for me, with a side of hot sauce, a condiment I enjoy independently of its relation to the black vote.
Because I'm running for President! Thank you, rich God.
If we're going into battle, we need our breathable rayon armor.
Blue.
Hillary Clinton.
Connotes leadership, power, rigidity.
Brownish-grey.
Chelsea Clinton.
Connotes subservience, laughing when it's not that funny, walking behind me when the sidewalk gets too narrow, peeling an orange so ridiculously slow, you have to go take a walk - just to not scream.
- Okay, thank you, Mother.
Green.
Huma Abedin! Connotes poise, perfection, daughterliness.
Didn't Huma's husband, Anthony Weiner, single-handedly annihilate your last campaign? We all have a perverted husband whose sexual addiction dissolves our political career.
But this time, we are playing it safe.
You can do whatever you want to each other! Just don't leave the yard! Fresh air, acorns, sprinkler I've done way worse with way less! Okay, Elon, this better be worth the billion dollars we siphoned from CHIP.
What is that? It's an Oval Office simulator.
It will deadass make the President think all his orders are being followed A-F as fuck.
But no transmissions will go in or out.
You can say "Bye, Felicia" to defending him on television.
- Go ahead.
Say it.
- Bye, Felicia.
Lé cool.
I'm here for this.
Cue the simulator! Ass-ass, Captain! The key to any successful campaign is small-dollar donors.
Let's split up.
You take the Bronx.
Remember no donation is too small.
Here's a coin pouch! Yeah, let me rap my 70-year-old knuckles on a million doors, or ? Add as many zeros as it'll take to win.
The campaign announcement is tomorrow.
Are you available to volunteer for our "Count Me In" phone bank in Gowanus? Hillary, uh, who is this? Go wait in the stairwell, Chels.
Mommy's panhandling.
Was there always a freezing-cold elevator ride to the Oval Office? Uh, yeah, you built it.
They gave you the Nobel Prize for it.
Yeah, and you guys said I couldn't build it! - Remember? - Uh-huh.
Stand by.
That feeling when the eagle has landed goals.
What's this joystick doing here? Uh, that's the same joystick George Washington used to fight the Pilgrims.
Fight the Pilgrims.
Yeah, I know.
Howdy, Mr.
Trump! I'm Charlie! Are you ready for your day as President? Wa-goo! Who's Charlie? He's kinda scary.
Only the coolest White House mascot on Earth! What the fuck am I even saying? Select a mission! Lunch or de-escalating Turkey's military operations in Northern Syria? Well, you can't eat Syria.
You've selected "Lunch".
How many pounds of lunch would you like? No one's ever asked! I stayed up all night writing the speech because I was so excited and because you only booked a two-bedroom so I had to sleep in the lobby with a bag of Minute Maid apple juice as a pillow.
Lordy, was that the speech? Mom, I'm gonna rock this.
Check this out.
"The degradation of norms has never been more" Boring! Check this out.
"A lot of people are using their apps to listen to Lizzo".
Pause for woo-woo's.
"But I think they should Lizz-show up on Election Day and vote for Hillary Clinton!" If you can brilliantly interweave pop culture with revolutionary status-quo ideology like that, you got the gig.
"The cruelty and incompetence of this administration has never been more Riverdale?" That's a Lizz-no from me, dawg! Wait! "A lot of teens are watching The C-W My God.
but I wanna know how can we have those teens 'C' Hillary to the 'W' House?" Huma, could you go get Chelsea the purple pant suit? The one that connotes tolerability? Waaaa-goo, Mr.
President! You've rammed a Chinese ship, received a public apology from Bette Midler, inspired a standing ovation at the Teen Choice Awards, and planted Jim Acosta in the path of a lawnmower! Ahh! Gotta pop open a window, and hear that Acosta squeal! - Oh, my God! We're done for! - Not the window! Oh, he's being extra, and it's, like, low-key not a mood.
Release the golden hat! Congratulations! Your ninth lunch has somehow brokered peace between the Kurds and the Turks! I had a feeling it might.
You've unlocked a golden hat! Whoa, ho, ho, ho! I've always wanted this thing I just found out about.
Holy crap! It worked! We've trapped the President in a glorified phone game! Who's to say we're all not living in a phone game? Who's to say we're all not simply living in a phone game? Yeah, we heard you.
Breaking news.
As has been long-rumored and instinctually feared, - Hillary Clinton is officially - entering the race for the Democratic nomination.
- The Beast of Benghazi, - the Satan of the Servers has awoken from her four-year volcanic slumber! Rise all ye minions to battle! How entitled do you have to be to try and steal the presidency I'm entitled to? I'll start drafting my passive-aggressive endorsement.
It's 63 degrees today she'll get a sun stroke and drop out.
A lot of people are using Instagram.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy! But this President's domestic policies have me sliding out of his DMs and into the voting booth! In fact, I think he can't honor his sacred oath to the Constitution because he's too busy eating hamberders! - Whoo! - I love politics! This speech will seal the deal.
I think we're looking at our next Deputy Press Secretary for North African Digital Outreach.
Without further ado, please welcome the winner of the 2016 popular vote and the winner of the 2020 electoral vote Uh-huhhh! and the only candidate whose campaign will be funded entirely by the billionaire class! Ha ha yeah! Yes, sir! Michael Bloomberg is bankrolling her campaign as long as she continues to keep his tax bracket at a rate of zero or below! Uh, what's this? In the words of my mother not one hour ago Don't quote me, don't quote me.
quote, "I can rap my 70-year-old knuckles on a million doors, or I can strut into the Bloomberg building and sell America's soul to the ninth-richest man in the world!" Lizz-oh my God.
Hillary Clinton seems to be alienating - the coveted "voter" demographic, - while President Trump hasn't had a single recent controversy.
Here to comment, Kellyanne Conway and Larry Kudlow.
We're proud to announce that, this week, the President hasn't tweeted a single genocidally complicit tweet.
Ba-ba-da-ba, ba-ba-baaaa! That's great.
Okay.
Bye-bye! Wait! No questions or condemnations or anything? Eh, since the President hasn't said or done anything reprehensible, there's nothing to discuss.
In other news, j Did the President just do something outrageous? I j I just wanted to, uh Are you caught up on The Masked Singer? Kelly, the interview's over.
I'm a serious newsman, and you're wasting my precious air time.
- Nooooooo! - Coming up, I'll share one of the cartoons I made during office hours.
Billionaires buying my influence is for us to know and for the American people to find out when they're forced to buy their own surgical tools off Amazon.
I just wanted to be a leader like you, but I'm a no-good sole heir to the most un-killable political dynasty in the modern era.
Don't worry.
Your father's proclivities have made me an expert on quashing scandals.
Thank you, Mother! I knew you'd always be there for Chelsea Clinton is no longer associated with this campaign or family! It's sick, what she did! She's the bad Clinton now.
Everyone write that down.
In her stead, we will be adopting a new daughter, Huma Abedin! We look forward to a peaceful transition.
What's all this? We'll talk about it later, Chels! Awk-ward Tapper, baby, wassup, man? You need some guests for the show today? You can roll your eyes while Larry and I rationalize the President fracking an inner-city playground! The President's old hat.
No one's heard from him in days.
And you two are getting on a Tapper's last nerve! I'm so glad he said yes.
I can't wait to go on television Oh, God! Someone call 9-1-1! Actually, hold on.
Sorry.
I had to flush my old drugs down the toilet.
It was from an old jacket.
You know, I'm off that stuff now.
That's old Kudlow.
New Kudlow clean Kuds! Anyway, let's get you some help.
Okay.
Now someone can call! I hope you're happy, Mother! I am so politically toxic, Simon & Schuster said "Color-Blind Hedge-Fund: The Lakelynne White Story" - has been shelved! - Take a step back.
I did what's best for Americans, specifically one American, me.
I was so wrong to spend my every waking minute admiring you! - Dad, let's go.
- Sorry, Chels! Your mother has a manilla folder that makes our arrangement extremely binding.
I need to get out of this house.
I'm getting a four-star hotel.
I'll charge the foundation.
Yeah, I know how to charge the foundation myself! If you're gonna Lizz-go, then just Lizz-go! Welcome to tonight's Democratic Debate.
I'm Anderson Cooper, and I've never once felt a hint of imposter syndrome.
Hi, Andy.
How's your new Springer Spaniel? Please refrain from revealing we all know each other socially.
Secretary Clinton, what do you think your voice brings to the 2020 primary election? I'm just here to represent the issues of my constituents.
And billionaires, according to your own daughter! Boom! Oooohhhhh! I can take the heat.
Otherwise, why would my bag contain hot sauce? Hey! Cultural appropriation is my gaffe.
Get your own! Look, Hillary, w-we don't need you.
We got your whole thing covered.
I'm the billionaire shill, Warren's the pissy mom, Bernie's the one with a hospital bracelet, and Pete's the one who wants it too bad! Hey! Hey! Can I say something? I just wanted to say that there's still some work to be done in Iraq.
I'm still mad at her, but she's got a point about Iraq.
Hey, let's just watch Tapper until the cops get here.
Pretend he's scolding you! Hillary Clinton's back in the race, which brings us to tonight's - President Chump: Hillary Edition.
- Hillary Clinton is racing for the Democratic nomination.
But without Chelsea Clinton, her political boat has started to rock, a genre of music made famous by British celebrity Keith Richards.
No comment has been made by President Chump, which seems fishy? Perhaps the President is out to sea, aboard his favorite vessel, the USS Unaccountable.
And that's our show.
Sorry we didn't get to any news at all.
Stay with me, Kellyanne! Losing relevance fast! Broadcast television! Hurry! A chardonnay and a shot of hot sauce, please? Stop it.
Is this seat bought by the oligarchal class? I just don't get it, Bernie.
I thought everyone wanted me to run again.
You ever love someone, but sometimes some of the things they say make your skin crawl? Chelsea! Is yours Chelsea, too? What I'm saying is that's how America feels about you.
Just because everybody retweets you calling Donald Trump "Lord Voldo-moron" - So true! - doesn't mean they trust you to stand up to Wall Street executives when you're sharing an au pair with them! Maybe people would've liked me if I had someone's "grassroots" endorsement! Don't start.
I campaigned for you more than anyone else! "Oh, I don't know.
I guess if you have to vote, vote for, uh, Hillary something".
It was a full-throated endorsement! The throat was full! Thirty-six hours on, fifteen minutes off.
- Time to get back to work.
- Mr.
President, you need to come out of the Oval Office and do something racist or start a fire or something.
- Charlie?! - No, idiot! Charlie's not real! We created a whole fake Oval Office so we didn't have to defend you when you tweet stuff like "Happy Labor Day to Whites and non-Whites alike".
I'd rather live in a simulated perfect world where everything I say goes than a sometimes rainy real world where everything I say goes.
- Waaa-goo! - But, Kellyanne, man.
S-She needs broadcast television, stat.
She's gonna wither away! Oh, no! One of my employees is in peril! There's no words you could say, Kudlow not one string of words in the world that could possibly pull me out of this incredibly stinky paradise.
Hillary Clinton's - running for President.
- You say what now? Chelsea? It's Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Go away, Mother! I'm drinking my pillow! I wanted to say I'm sorry.
Sure, writing books with you never made me happy, and, sure, I still wish I could fuse some of my blood into Huma's and slap your name on her, but at the end of the day, the daughter I've been given thinks I'm pretty cool, and that's been great for my ego.
And I'm sorry, too.
It was selfish of me to try and make you proud.
From now on, I'll stick to elevating your image, no matter how passed out in an unmarked van from heatstroke you are.
I forgive you, Chelsea.
Now, what do you say we call off this campaign and get back to scouting Craigslist for desperate ghostwriters? Hillary! Must roast Hillary! No bars! Can't tweet! Hillary!!! Breaking: Hillary Clinton - has suspended her campaign, the shortest - and most whip and nae-nae filled in history.
Let's take it live.
I have bad news for the 200 million Americans who planned to vote for me this November Turn on the cameras! I have to insult Hillary! This campaign was never about me.
It was about the millions of Americans who idolize me.
But it's time for me to make room for the new Blue wave.
That's why I'm endorsing fresh-thinking up-and-comer Jeff Bezos! A chicken in every pot, a crap in every pants.
And now my nice daughter, Chelsea, - will say a few words.
- I n And we're cutting away from Hillary's campaign suspension to the White House, where Donald Trump has emerged a little worse for wear.
- Ohh! - Crooked Hillary needs to be locked up! She's colluded with John McCain, with Benghazi because she's inside the Ukraine! Rehr-rehr! Don't let her get away! Now, who on Earth would defend this kind of behavior from the President? Well, helloooo, Jake! - Aaggghhhhh! - It's great to be back.
The fake news media are once again spreading baseless lies.
The President wishes Hillary well.
Public trial! Town square! You're really gonna stand by that, even though it directly contradicts the live feed we have of him yelling? That's right! We may be permanently eroding America's faith in its sacred institutions, but at least we're on TV.
Amen to that! Always a pleasure, Jake, you lying fuck! "And then Lakelynne White realized she should remain secretary of her mother's trust fund and lived happily ever after.
- The end".
- Interesting.
It's so good to be writing again now that this whole "running for President" thing is behind you.
I don't need to be President to be happy.
All I need is my bulletproof ego telling me that I could easily be President if I wanted, and my daughter, Chelsea, who I love! - Mom! You said it! - Yes, I did.
Now go fetch mommy's Saudi burner phone.
2024 is around the corner! Trump!