Our Flag Means Death (2022) s02e04 Episode Script

Fun and Games

Yes, I'm here!
- What is it? What is it?
I thought I lost you.
- (WAILS) Ahh! Ahh.
Oh, God! Did you mean to do that?
Think you broke my nose!
- Was that on purpose? Ed?
Alright, everyone. Great to
see us all together here again.
What happened to your face?
Bet Blackbeard did that, didn't he?
Uh, it was an accident.
- Okay? I think Ed just sat up too quickly.
That's what they all say.
As you know, he's gone
through quite the ordeal,
and he does need to regain his strength.
Yeah. He'll probably get around
to killing you after he's rested.
LUCIUS: Yeah, I'd say it's
a pretty obvious mistake
- letting him get strong again.
- Yes. Hello?
Kick him off the ship already!
- Facts, facts!
- STEDE: Hey, hey, hang on.
We don't just banish people, do we?
That's not us.
Let's give him some time,
perhaps to rebound a bit.
Uh, medically speaking,
the man can't speak,
and his brain is maybe couscous.
Also, gonna need that steak back.
- It's dinner.
- Right. Yes, aye.
Uh, maybe we should put it to the vote.
(SIGHS) Do we have to do this now?
Hello there, traveler.
You've been down to the
gravy basket, haven't you?
Been down there a few times myself.
Did ya have a vision?
Oh he's seen better days, hasn't he?
At least he's still got both legs!
Oh, he can't hear you, he's got no head.
You've got a head, though,
which you should
- look after.
- What do you want, Bonnet?
Uh, well, here's the thing.
The crew, they're in a bit
of a deadlock over the whole
banishment of Ed thing,
and I just thought, seeing as, well,
you were the one
who kept his body aboard,
maybe you should weigh in.
You've already murdered him once.
Seems like a pretty
good payback. (CHUCKLES)
So, what do you think?
My vote?
A rotten leg's got to come off.
Just to confirm, was that a
nay or yay on the banishment?
So! We, the crew of "The
Revenge," have voted
and we've chosen
banishment, unfortunately.
So, uh, yeah. Effective immediately.
Your complimentary dinghy
awaits you portside.
- Now leave, please.
- Fuck off.
Alright. Rude.
- OLUWANDE: Uh, uh
- (LAUGHS) Fuck you.
It's the first time I've been on
this side of a walk of shame.
- Way to make this awkward, bruh.
- Shitty sailing with you.
You're making it really
hard to look up to you, man.
Hey, made you this
sandwich, uh, for the trip.
Don't you want your sammie?
Ed? Say something, at least.
You're not a fuckin' mermaid.
- What?
I'm no mermaid? What does that mean?
(SCOFFS) Pay him no heed.
He's still half dead.
Here. Walk with me over yonder.
I'll explain.
I'm huntin' for a vessel.
So's I can turn into a bird.
Alright. Fine. Yeah.
Let's do it.
here I go again on my own.
Fuck off, nature.
Walkin' down the only road
I've ever known.
Like a gyp
A wolf.
Are you a friend, Wolf?
I don't even know why I
got this one. It's a big spider.
I don't even like spiders,
but I thought maybe
I'd be able to get over
my fear of spiders
if I got a big spider on my hand.
But every time I look
at it, I freak out.
So that's why I wear
those black leather gloves.
God, look how much
I'm opening up to you.
(SIGHS) I feel like I've just
found my new best friend.
We're just like two lone
wolves, you and me.
It's a very rare thing,
to find someone who understands you.
You'll always be safe with me. Okay?
What the fuck? What the
fuck?! Who the fuck did that?!
- Teach?
- Read?
- What the fuck? (LAUGHS)
- Oh. Oh, my God. (LAUGHS) Ah!
STEDE: Well, it really
does sound like hell,
this gravy bucket thing.
Betwixt hell and high
heaven, to be more precise.
So he escaped, but now
he's sort of unmoored?
Aye. Can't tell what's real
and what's the basket anymore.
They'll have a beaut
of a vessel in there.
Hello! Are these things for sale?
They are available, yes.
For lovers of beauty.
Well, uh, my friend
is looking for a bowl.
Specifically, somethin' suitable
for an avian transmogrification ceremony.
STEDE: Ah, yes, he's, uh,
turning into a bird, apparently.
Huh. Well, you might wanna check
down yonder by the headboards.
Have a little dig around.
- Superb.
Oh, my God. This is a
Louis XIV Giltwood console!
Look at the detailing!
That is exquisite.
Don't you have an incredible eye?
Anne Bonny. Collector.
Stede Bonnet. Lover of beauty.
- MARY READ: Annie!
Look who I fuckin' found.
Where's my Annie fuckin' Bonny?
Eddie motherfucking Teach!
- Oh!
- Oh, my darling! Fuck.
- (SING-SONGY) Good to see you. Yes, it is.
Hello, Edward.
(SIGHS) Jesus Christ. Here we go.
I wasn't looking for you, by the way.
- Uh
- Oh, mate, I don't care if you were.
Wait, you two know each other?
- What are the fuckin' odds?
- Very high, apparently.
- Shipmates. (LAUGHS)
- Former.
- Well, you should both stay for dinner.
- MARY: Yeah.
Oh, I, I don't wanna make
him feel uncomfortable.
Him? Hey, look, you do whatever you want.
You're good at that.
Um, I mean, I could.
Potentially, I could have dinner.
- Whatever.
- Whatever.
Is it just me or does the
energy around here seem off?
By "the energy," do we mean him?
ROACH: Or him?
Well mythical creature?
Anything to say for yourself?
(YELLS) Fuck you!
Or them?
FRENCHIE: Do you still see blood?
Yeah. We'll get it. Just keep scrubbing.
(SHUSHES) They're lookin' this way.
- They've got a feral quality.
- ROACH: Mm-hmm.
I hate to say it,
but I think Blackbeard
really messed them up.
I think I know what
we should do for them.
They just need to be reminded
that they have value.
- WEE JOHN: Mm-hmm.
- And that this is a safe space.
Sea la madre, they're
definitely planning something.
- Yeah.
- Sharp, innit.
It's gonna be really disappointing
if we kill them in self-defense.
- (SIGHS) Yeah.
- Great scrubbing.
- So clean. (LAUGHS)
- Oh.
MARY: So, the jail guard,
with the most beautiful
eyes I've ever seen,
pulls his entire fuckin' face off.
Turns out, this one had
sliced the face off some Brit
- and come to my rescue. (LAUGHS)
Now that-that's, that's romance.
The trick is, you gotta
slice, cut while ya peel.
Most people, they try to muscle it,
and that's how ya tear a face.
Quite the shift, going
from wearing people's faces
to becoming antique collectors.
So, what about you two?
How did you meet?
Well, I'd been gut-stabbed,
and he just so happened upon the ship
I was bleeding out on.
- Nice.
- Yes. Ed saved my life, actually.
Well, actually, um, I was
planning on killing him myself.
- ANNE: Mm.
- BLACKBEARD: Burning his face off,
taking his identity, the whole lot.
But he decided I wasn't
going to doggie heaven.
More like I relented.
And for a short time
after that, at least,
we sailed the seas happily.
Until he completely boned it.
(WHISPERS) Can we not do this now?
(WHISPERS) Can do it anytime I like.
- Fuckin' clock.
Bollocks! I gotta go check on dinner.
- What happened to your beard?
I liked it when it was longer better.
Well, I got the crazy
notion to shave it off.
- Immediately regretted it.
Come and help me. This rabbit is fucked!
- MARY: Coming!
Fuckin' have to do
everything around here.
Fuckin' kill the rabbit,
fuckin' cook the rabbit.
Fuck's sake.
For what it's worth, I like your beard.
The length.
(SOFTLY) Thank you.
Buttons was saying
something about a, a gravy bowl,
and you're half-dead or something.
- MARY: You really screwed it up this time.
- I'm fine.
And maybe don't listen
to a man who's becoming a bird.
- MARY: Don't touch me!
- ANNE: Oh, I do as I please.
- There ya go, how's that?
What the hell?
Sorry. Sorry. Dinner's gonna be a minute.
Uh, someone forgot to take
the intestines out of the rabbit.
Nobody minds a bit
of shit on their rabbit.
- Top up?
Ooh. Uh, you've, you've got a thing.
- Huh?
- On your In your back.
You got something sticking
outta your shoulder.
Oh. Fuck me. (CHUCKLES)
Do you want a hand with that?
No. Annie put it in there,
Annie can take it out.
you want me to take it out now, do you?
(FLIRTATIOUS) Aw, is there a fuckin' echo
in the room, is there?
- (LAUGHS) Get over here.
- Ooh.
- Flick it.
- Ow!
- Yeah. Flick it.
- Ooh!
- ANNE: How's that? How's that?
- MARY: Ow. Ooh!
- ANNE: How's that?
ANNE: Six inches of silver
- in your scapula.
- Um
- ANNE: Ooh, it's inside.
- Oh.
ANNE: How lovely and deep that is.
We could leave if you want some
- MARY: Oh! Oh.
- privacy.
Alright, you lot. Just this way.
Oh, you gotta close your eyes
- 'cause it's a surprise.
- Oh, yeah, right.
We're not too much
into surprises these days.
Fair enough.
Anyway, brace yourselves.
(INHALES) Ta-da!
- Fuck!
Guys, it's called a pine-ata.
Yeah. Y-You So, you
just pull this string and then
And then ya try to hit it with a stick!
- Time for blindfolding.
- (SCREAMS) Stay the fuck away from me!
You won't want to stay the
fuck away from this cake!
- God's sake, take it away!
STEDE: There's quite
a bit of rabbit poop,
but I think we can salvage it.
You're sensitive, aren't you?
Hm? You appreciate things.
You have taste.
Eddie was crazy to let you go.
(INHALES) I'm not sure either of us
have let go, exactly.
Real smooth. (COUGHING)
Slowing down, old man.
So (EXHALES) what was
up with all the stabbing?
Just something we do.
Keeps things fresh.
- Stede stabbed me once.
- Had to make him do it.
(INHALES) He's so fragile.
- You've got a type.
- Type?
- No, I don't.
Artsy outsider was always your thing.
- Bullshit.
- You're caught up in this whirlpool,
- just like me and Annie.
I just didn't belong
back with my old life.
Mary and the kids.
And that was the second
time you left your wife,
- was it?
- (SOFTLY) Ex-wife.
It feels funny to say that.
You're a heartbreaker, Stede.
Oh, I, I don't know about that.
I mean I may have
wounded a heart or two.
Coy boy. Wound this.
- Oh, they're gonna be so jealous.
- Um, I'm Look,
- I-I honestly I-I
- Mm.
Nah. Knock off. Pile of junk Ooh!
STEDE: Buttons! U-Uh, you're still here?
- Um, th-this is not what it looks like.
I-I had a sore back
and she's, she's, uh
- medically trained?
- Are you alright?
- I don't feel good.
(GROANS) Aw, look, she poisoned me.
- What?
One half of this room has some
serious emotional problems.
- And it's not us.
- Well, it's not us!
Right, so, is everybody else's
arms and various limbs getting tired?
- ROACH: Mm-hmm.
- Yep.
Alright, look. Look, look, look.
I think there's actually an
easier way to resolve this.
Yes? Right. So, you all think
that we're plottin' against you?
Which, in hindsight,
m-maybe was inaccurate.
- I don't know. You tell me.
- Okay. So, can we all agree
to just, to just not jump the other crew
and-and solve this as fuckin' adults?
You're saying this is like
a space that is safe?
- Yeah, babe.
- WEE JOHN: I love that.
- A safe space.
A lot has gone unsaid.
I think now is a great time to discuss
- lingering issues. Mm?
- Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Um, can we talk about the, the
fucked up sleeping arrangements?
- Because, ugh!
- WEE JOHN: Excuse me.
Do you even have a name, new guy?
Yeah, "Fuck You" is her name.
Hey, stupid name for a person.
You know my name is Archie.
Ah! It's done!
Maybe next time he'll think twice about
not doing his fucking j (GRUNTS)
Fuck off, twats! Leave me alone.
I'm already gone.
You're born alone, you die alone.
You're born alone, you die alone.
Yeah, he's definitely
more disturbed than any of us.
- IZZY: You're born alone, die alone
Rabbit's delicious, hon.
- So tender.
- Mm.
So glad you love it, my darling.
- Mm.
- Oh, and I got the gift you left me
in my glass, earlier.
How's the rabbit, guys?
It's lovely.
- I can barely taste the shit.
I can tell this rabbit was
actually quite intelligent, huh?
From the texture.
So, Stede what's it
like being back at sea?
- It's really nice. Yeah.
- MARY: Mm.
I-I missed it.
Yeah, you must have.
'Cause you left your wife twice.
Wait, what?
You left me for Mary.
Look, I-I was going
to tell you. It's just
- Ed.
- One second. (CLEARS THROAT)
(WHISPERS) I told you in confidence.
can I please explain?
Please, take the blanket off.
BLACKBEARD: Fuck off. Go away.
You can't blame me for
not telling you about Mary.
Yes, I can. I'm blaming you right now.
- I'm blaming the fuck outta you.
- Well, it's not fair.
You hardly gave me a
chance to say anything.
Fair?! Know what's not fair?
You ditching me without
a note or anything,
then expecting me to just
melt back into your arms
soon as you pop your fuckin' head up.
I never expected that.
I never expected a headbutt either,
- but I received one.
- Ugh, God. Yeah, throw that back
- in my face now, too.
- I will actually
- because it bloody well hurt!
- Nice. Nice one. Good!
I'm glad it fuckin' hurt!
It was supposed to hurt!
That's the point of headbutts!
- Alright.
- Ugh, I'm such a fuckin' idiot.
(SIGHS) I trusted you.
(SNIFFLES) I trusted us. (SCOFFS)
But I was just a whim.
Yeah, just a whim to you.
Another plaything like your, your
fancy toy unicorn boat and your wife.
I was a whim to you Yeah.
You were gonna burn
my face off, remember?
I got over that pretty quick, didn't I?
(SIGHS) We were moving so fast.
We're both whim-proned.
And two people prone to whims
shouldn't just run off to China.
I was all in, mate.
- I was all in.
- (SIGHS) I panicked.
Then you shaved your beard off, for me,
- and
- Again with the beard.
I'm sorry if my horrible,
naked chin disgusts you
- so much.
- I love your chin.
Naked or otherwise.
- Ed.
- Don't.
- I love
- No, don't.
You don't get to say that to me.
- I love everything about you.
You don't have to say it back to me.
I'm not about to.
I love being near you.
It's nice. It feels good.
Breathing the same air.
"Breathing the same"
Oh, my God, it was so fucking earnest.
Oh, it worked. Have you
guys even had sex yet?
- (SCOFFS) That is private.
- That's none of your business.
- Oh, I called it! I fucking called it!
- You fucking called it!
MARY: You've not even
given each other a handy?
A little tickle?
Excuse me. Our private lives
are our private lives, alright?
- What are you talking about?
- ANNE: I'll tell you what, though, Ed.
I think he might like the ladies
'cause he gave me a proper tonguing
- in the kitchen.
- MARY: Ooh!
No, she kissed me
right before she threw up.
- Oh! You bloody devil.
- (LAUGHS) I know.
- I'm sorry, love.
- I know exactly what's happening here.
I know what's goin' on. It's a game.
This is just a sick game for them,
and now we're part of it.
I would've expected as much from
Anne here, who's a fucking psycho!
- Hey!
- STEDE: Come on!
- Ya steal people's faces.
- That's right.
And you, Mary, what
the fuck happened to you?
We moved to a swamp
to sell fucking antiques
to fuckin' no one.
We get our fun where we can!
We can leave any time.
It's you who is scared that
you're too old to go back to pirating.
- I never fuckin' said
- Yes, she did!
- Bitch!
- Don't you say that fucking word!
Bitch, please. Why don't
you go and dust some
- end tables or something?
Been wanting to do that
for fuckin' years.
- Nice. Really healthy.
- Well done, Mary.
I bet Anne really loved
that ugly piece of shit clock.
Oh. Are you a united front now?
You lightweights.
You fuckin' 14-year-old boys.
(PANTING) Me and Annie,
we're what an adult
relationship looks like.
- Adult? The fuck you talkin' about?
Really? I mean, she stabbed you,
you poisoned her, and
then she jumped on my face.
Just you watch.
You're hot for each other now,
but eventually, your charms'll lose
impact and become annoyances.
The mystery? Gone.
The magic? In the wind.
Fun and games are all that's left.
The only distraction to the last
unknown in your relationship:
which of you will slump over first?
There. I torched it all.
- ANNE: We're free.
You didn't Y-You
Even the little posh tables
and that big cupboard thingy?
Yeah, the armoire.
Everything must go.
You are so fucking hot right now.
I know.
Yeah. Your house is on fire!
- Oh, shit. Come on.
- See you, guys.
- Hold it.
- I am holding it.
Uh, um, sorry, and
twist it a bit, please?
- Yeah, that's the one.
- Ooh, yeah, yeah.
- Ah. Alright.
Well, that's quite lovely, innit?
Yeah. Gold paint's a nice touch.
I thought it'd be overkill, but.
Yeah, but will it be load-bearing?
'Cause (SCOFFS) that
would be embarrassin'.
And you? What's your excuse?
I mean, what even are you?
- Fuck off.
- Fuck off!
- You are harassing a cripple!
Fucking twats! (PANTING)
Fucking cocksuckers.
Goddess, devour me.
Balmy water. Balmy water.
Slick my bones. Spoiled boiled eggs.
Wa-ka-ka-ka. Wa-ka-ka-ka. Wa-ka-ka-ka.
Lotta your friends are
troubled, aren't they?
Yeah. Ya know, they're all pirates.
What are you gonna do tonight?
Tonight? I don't know.
I was gonna stay with them,
but I don't know.
Maybe I'll just crash
in the trees or somethin'.
- Well, I mean
- Well, I was thinking if you wanted to,
- I mean, I could ask
- Well, no, you shouldn't have to
- Sorry, you go.
- Oh, no, you go. No, sorry.
- Nah, you. No, you.
- Um, okay. (INHALES)
I was just gonna say I
could put it to the crew,
and if you wanted to stay
one more night on the ship,
ya know, extenuating
circumstances and all that.
- (SOFTLY) Yes.
- What's that?
Uh, it might be nice.
- Yeah.
- (NONCHALANTLY) I mean, yeah. Wait there.
- The sea is my love.
- Jesus Christ.
You're still here. I forgot about you.
But there is a cruel limit
to the passion I can share
with Her Majesty in this current form.
No offense, man, but, uh, I just
need you to not be weird right now.
To love the sea as she must be loved,
- requires change.
- Oh, my God.
That's what I learned
down in the old gravy basket.
Here, hold that.
Earth, wind, and fire,
reassemble upon Her Majesty.
I wanna go higher.
Buttons, people don't change,
not into birds or otherwise.
- Buttons?
Buttons? Hey.
Enough fuckin' around, mate.
You're not a fucking bird.
There's a road I know I must go ♪
Fuck yeah, brother.
Oh, Ed.
- Ooh.
- Hey, um, can you come with?
It's getting a bit dark,
and I-I can't, actually
I can't find my way back to the ship.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, comin'.
Hey! Buttons turned into a seagull!
- What?
- Yeah, he flew off.
I don't listen to the news no more ♪
Like an unwound clock,
you just don't seem to care ♪
This world isn't big enough
to keep me away from you ♪
Oh, from you ♪
- Seabird, seabird, fly home ♪
Seabird, seabird, fly home ♪
Like a lonely seabird ♪
You've been away from land too long ♪
Oh, too long ♪
Suddenly, you're with me ♪
Turn and you're not there ♪
Like a ghost, you haunt me ♪
You find warmth in a one-night bed ♪
Sunsets, full moons
don't turn you on ♪
Like an untied dog,
you just had to run ♪
Like a lonely seabird ♪
You've been away from land too long ♪
Oh, no, too long ♪
Sail on, seabird ♪
Seabird, seabird ♪
I won't be eatin'
this way when I'm a bird.
- You won't, will you?
Pescatarian, he calls it.
So there's another Mary?
(EXHALES) You ask me,
it's like a non-stop
knockin' shop on that ship.
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