Package Deal (2013) s01e02 Episode Script

Prank Wars

[Crying out]: Ahh! [Groans] Not the face! Not the face! Are you kidding me? [Grunts, braces himself] I give you permission to die.
Oh! Eat my shorts! [Whump] Timeout! Untied shoelace! Unsafe playing conditions.
[Whump] Hey! You can't shoot a guy on a timeout.
Oh, really? Let me look that up in the Geneva underwear convention.
Danny, you're the lawyer! Tell him.
Sheldon, I'm gonna have to rule with Ryan on this one.
[Whoosh] That is low! You dog! [Whoosh] [Whump] Is this a bad time? Oops! We're doing laundry.
We're playing "under-wars.
" We've been playing this since we were kids.
It makes laundry day way fun! Cool.
Can I play? Uh [Pretends to load and fire rapidly] Uh, that's not even a machine gun.
We had these custom-built.
I'd like to introduce you to "the sheldonator 5.
" [Whoosh-whack-groan] What did I do? Nothing.
That's why it's funny.
That was a quick six hours.
When are we gonna do the actual laundry? You mean these are dirty? Why would we use clean ones? This is war.
Ew! I'm gonna go wash my hands.
Can I borrow your underwear? I'm out of ammo.
What if I'm not wearing any? Wow.
She's no fun.
All right, guys.
Girlfriend's here.
Game over.
I thought I taught you better.
Actually, you did.
Say hello to my little tighty-whities.
[Both]: No-o-o-o-o-o-o! [Audio slows dramatically] You cheated.
That can't count.
All's fair in love and under-war.
[Air hissing from gun] [] [] Well? It tastes like Tea.
But would you describe it as earthy, or smoky, perhaps playful? Yeah, I would describe it as Tea.
Try sucking in air when you sip.
[Slurping loudly] [Gargles, then spits] [Slurps softly] [Spits] Well? Tea.
[Phone chimes] [Gasps]: Avery Jones is coming to my tea-tasting! -[Squeals] -That's great.
Who is he? Only the most influential tea blogger in the universe.
Have you been living under a rock? Well, I try to stay informed.
He heard that I was serving the rarest tea in the world, "golden monk.
" But I'm having trouble smuggling it out of Tibet.
You don't think bribery is wrong, do you? Not for a cause this important.
So what now, more tea tasting? Unfortunately, you're hopeless.
But a good sport.
A reward of some kind is in order.
[He growls, she giggles] Whoo! Forget it.
Just rip it.
Wait! It's a $30 shirt.
Really? Okay, fine, just rip it.
Whoo! Yeah, I don't know if it was the slurping or the spitting, but I am so turned on right now! And yet you're still talking.
[Splash] "All's fair in love and under-wars.
" [Chuckles] Oh, man! Sheldon and Ryan are getting me back.
And these are the men that raised you? You okay? Yeah, just some water in my ears.
It's my fault.
I insisted on condoms, when, clearly, I should've brought a sponge.
You know, I've never done it in a pool before.
[Laughing] Seriously? I mean-- neither have I.
I just had a wild idea.
Yeah, I'm having a bunch of those.
I know exactly how to get them back.
[Splash] [Loudly]: Can you speak up? My ears are plugged.
What do you mean, you lost it? That tea has to be here by Thursday! Hello? Hello! Argh! [Fumes] What happened? I don't know! Either he shipped it to Australia, or he's coming down with malaria.
Hey, Danny.
You're looking refreshed.
Nothing like a midnight swim, right? Just so you know, I built that pool myself and supplied the rubber ducky.
You still have it, right? I need that back.
You forgot to check for innocent bystanders.
Did I? Because I'm pretty sure I put an extra flotation device under the duvet.
What? Who's going to a play? She can't hear very well.
She's got water in her ears.
You're ruining my brother's life! Oh, sorry, I didn't hear that, my ears just popped.
What? Oh.
You're ruining my brother's life.
Sit down.
It's Margarita night.
In these conveniently-placed chairs? What are we, stupid? We'll take yours.
Can they be serious? Just humor them.
Have some chips.
Uh, no, thanks.
We brought our own.
Paranoid much? No, actually, I always bring my own chips.
There's so many additives.
Yeah, and your boyfriend here isn't exactly trustworthy.
I still keep my shoes in a safe.
Why? Inside joke.
You wouldn't get it.
Try me.
A couple of years ago, I stole Ryan's shoes and kept switching them for larger sizes.
He thought his feet were shrinking.
[Laughing] Okay, that was not funny.
Do you know how many diseases pop up when you Google "shrinking feet"? You know, I've pulled a few pranks in my day.
Oh, really? Oh, yeah.
[Cracks up] When I sold girl scout cookies, I would sometimes remove a cookie first! [Squeals] [Cracking up again] And then what? [Stops laughing] I'd eat the cookie.
You got them! Right, guys? Oh, man, huh? That was scorching.
Whoa! Huh.
This is odd.
I just got a text from Ryan's toothbrush.
It looks like he took a little vacation last night.
Look, look, here he is, posing on a bus bench.
Oh, yeah.
Look, there he is, drinking water out of a doggie bowl at the dog park.
How did he get there? Oh, my God! Let me see that.
What? He's at the train station! But how? That's impossible! I brushed my teeth This morning! Oh, my God! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh-ahh-ahh.
Ahh! Ahh! Wait.
So you and Sheldon pranked Ryan? That doesn't even make sense.
Well, maybe we should all stop laughing, then.
You know, maybe I shouldn't laugh, but this is just so easy, right? [Clink] [Snickers and laughs] [Covers laughter with coughing] is checking you out.
"Hell" followed very quickly by "oh" is "hello.
" If you'll excuse me.
Don't forget to smile.
[Brothers laughing] So Ryan and Sheldon prank you, but Sheldon was in on pranking Ryan.
Were you in on the Margarita thing? I don't even know anymore.
I almost left my drink with you guys.
Close call.
(Flapping) Oh, if that's Ryan, tell him I'll give him the duck back tomorrow.
[Phone keeps ringing] Where's my phone? [Ringing] Hey! It's cold! I can't find my phone! [Ringing] It's probably about my tea.
[Ringing] [Kim shrieking in terror] [Ringing] [Ringing] Holy crap! I know.
This is awesome! [Ringing] Ooh, I gotta find that phone! Hey-hey! Is that my phone? No, Ryan wrapped up the first-aid kit, just in case I got a paper cut.
[Ringing stops] Great.
Now I don't know where my tea is.
When do these stupid pranks end? Typically, after one of us goes to the emergency room.
If I send you to the emergency room, will that end this? Come on, honey, it's just fun.
No! It's cruel.
But that's just how we say "I love you" without having to say the uncomfortable parts.
I'm sick of you guys having all the fun while I get caught in the crossfire.
What do you want me to do? Tell them to knock it off? Oh, yeah, that'll make me popular.
Well, then you're just going to have to accept this is what brothers do.
Hold on.
Oh, I see Ryan in all of this.
Sheldon wouldn't know how to curl a ribbon.
Be very careful.
The wrapping may not be the whole prank What's in the wrapping might be the prank.
You hear that? That's a text.
My whole business relies on that text.
[Text chiming] [Chiming] Got it! [Relieved sigh] "Dear miss mattingly, "your package has been located.
"We apologize for any inconvenience "and will be shipping it at our own expense back to you in Tibet.
" Uh-oh.
It's okay.
At least they found it.
[Critter trilling] Might still get here in time.
No, I think I found the real prank.
Okay, very slowly, go to the kitchen And see if you can find anything that looks like a long pole with a hook on the end.
[Critter hisses] [] Okay, we got your high-pitched girlish message.
Are you really throwing in the towel? Five hours in the emergency room, boys.
Yes! We won! You know, I had that thing bathed and deloused.
I should've had it de-fanged.
It's like pranking with your mother.
Come on, I'll buy you lunch.
Oh, hey, Danny.
Hey, Millie.
You have a brother named Sheldon, right? Yeah.
I'm Sheldon.
I'm with social services.
This young man ran away from home and ended up in my custody.
He says he's looking for a Sheldon white who was in belleville in 2001.
Yeah, I was selling sauna slimming pants.
Now, wait a minute.
If this is about that settlement, the court said that I am not responsible for any fertility issues.
Well, maybe you were.
This boy says he's your son.
Nice try, bro.
Oldest prank in the book.
Hey, it wasn't me.
You swear on your vinyl collection? Yeah, I swear.
And what about you? Do you swear on your wedding photo of you and Alison? The one she cut me out of, or the one of both of us? Either.
I swear.
Well, if you guys didn't Then that means-- my son! Oh, ho, ho! Oh, ho, ho! Surprise! [Laughs] Hah.
I got ya! Whoo! [Awkward silence as Kim keeps laughing] Got ya? How come no one's laughing? This is a prank? Are you saying he's not my son? I'm not his fun-loving Uncle? Ew.
[Thud] Okay, see, this is the part where you're all supposed to be relieved, because it's a prank.
Close one, huh? That's not funny.
It's cruel! [Sheldon sobs] I don't get it.
Danny? Sheldon had a girlfriend that walked out on him.
He always suspected it was because she was pregnant.
We've been looking for years.
How was I supposed to know that? Because it's your job to know that.
We don't just pull pranks Willy-nilly.
It takes work, planning, meticulous attention to detail.
Safety first, Kimberly! [Sobbing] What's wrong with you? [Still crying] Aw In a different context, it might have been funny.
So, golden monk, miss mattingly.
I've only had it once-- on a rainy night in Singapore.
And today you'll have it again.
It'll be here in a minute.
In the meantime, why don't you check out our collection of tea pots? Miss mattingly, I'm up to my ass in tea pots.
You came! Well, you know me and tea-tastings.
I thought you'd be with Sheldon tonight.
Yeah, he wanted to be alone.
[Groans] I'm so sorry.
What were you thinking? You guys always seem to be having so much fun, and then I walk in.
It's like you have your own little club and I'm not a member.
Yeah, it's a penis-only club.
As irritating as your brothers are, I just want their acceptance.
Well, you got to give it time.
A lot of time.
It's here! Thank you! Attention, everyone.
The finest tea in the world has arrived.
I give you golden monk.
[Applauding] That doesn't look like golden monk.
Unless that boy in Singapore lied to me.
Yeah, what is this? Police! Everyone stay where you are.
Who's Kim Mattingly? This one.
Ma'am, I'm placing you under arrest for trafficking in marijuana.
This isn't marijuana! Whoa.
That is some strong weed.
Kim, don't say another word.
I'm her lawyer.
Oh, good, 'cause she's gonna need one.
Turn around, place your hands behind your back.
This can't be happening! This can't be happening! Now, that's a "got ya.
" [Guys laughing] Whoo! Oh, my God, you should see your face.
Or not.
For the record, I had nothing to do with this.
Wait a minute You destroyed a crucial event, that could very well make or break my business, to play a joke on me? That is so sweet! But why? I thought you guys hated me.
Well yeah.
But that kid-thing you pulled was priceless.
I mean, no one's gotten Sheldon that good, since the prank war of '07, when we told him our parents were still alive.
I cried like a baby.
Your emotionally crippling prank kind of earned our respect.
Yeah, and I even have to admit, you finally grew a little sack-ette.
[Laughs] I mean, it seemed so real.
Oh, it is real.
All these are real cops.
See, I met Jack here when he removed Ryan from his ex-wife's property.
And just to make sure every detail was authentic, I even went out and found real pot-- medicinal, fair-trade and organic.
So you're saying this is actual marijuana? Of course.
Well, I hate to say this, but I really am going to have to arrest you.
Now, wait a minute, Jack.
This was a prank.
You're all in possession with intent to distribute.
Everyone, assume the position.
Come on, officer.
I know how this goes down.
I'm sure we can do something to work this out.
And now we can add bribery.
I was never here.
[] Well, spending the night in jail, that wasn't too humiliating.
On the upside, I landed a new client.
Yeah, she was cute.
I, uh, I got her number.
Sheldon, she sold her last boyfriend's kidney.
So I'll put her in the "maybe" file.
All I know is, thank God you knew the judge and his wife.
And the cross-dresser he sees on Fridays.
Who's up for underwear-wars? That doesn't even make any sense.
It's not laundry day.
Try and stay with us here, Kim.
[Whump] What did I do? Nothing.
That's why it's funny.
That was a blow-out.
Sheldon, you owe me Ah, put it on my tab.
Meaning I'm not gonna get it? Exactly.
Well, boys, what do you want to do now? I don't know, want to play the spoon game? I'd love to play the spoon game.
What's the spoon game? Seriously? You don't know what the spoon game is? I mean, I know what the spoon game is, but someone should explain it to Kim.
It's simple.
Put the spoon in your mouth, and hit me on the head, as hard as you can, like this.
Well, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Sounds easy.
Me first.
[Tap] Not bad.
My turn.
[Crack] Ow! Oh! How did you do that? Practice.
It's all in the jaw.
-[Tap] -Oh! Easy.
It's a friendly game.
Be careful.
[Whack] [Cries out]: Ow! Son of a-- okay, you're doing something.
Go sit over there! It wasn't me, bro.
Come on! - Okay.
- Ready? Yup.
[Thump] Better! [Chop!] Oh! Oh! Ow! Ow! Ahh!