Package Deal (2013) s01e03 Episode Script

I Love You?

Yes! Yes! Right there.
There? There? No.
No.
Left.
My left! That's it! Yeah! Yes! Yes! Yes! I love you! Yeah.
So Yeah? You want pancakes? - You want help? - No! Good.
Oh, guys.
I'm glad you're here.
I really need to talk to you a-- already bored.
Plus, I have news.
I'm officially in the "big and tall" business.
Aw, God.
It's sick, isn't it? What's sick about big-and-tall clothes? No, no, no.
Not clothes.
Caskets.
Big-and-tall Caskets.
Yeah.
Check it out.
If you're too big to fit in a regular casket, they actually break your bones and stuff you inside.
It's like trying to cram a chicken into a water bottle.
And there goes my appetite.
Look, I'm tellin' ya, this is a growing industry.
Literally! I mean, people across this country are eating themselves right into the grave.
And I'm just here to box 'em up.
You know, dignified and everything.
Well, every family needs a moral compass.
Now, listen, guys.
There's something really important I need to talk to you about.
What happened to selling meat out of the trunk of your car? Huh? At least that was something we didn't have to be embarrassed about.
Well, where do you think I got the idea for this, huh? One of my regular customers had a heart attack.
Too much cholesterol.
They couldn't fit him in the casket.
Had to use a bungee cord to keep the lid on.
Anyway, speaking of bad days, I've got a serious problem with Kim.
I just think it's really bad karma to be making money off death like this.
Oh, really? Then why'd you give me the $5,000 to do all this? Whoa.
Wait a second.
No.
You said you were getting in the import-export game.
I am.
I'm importing the caskets from Samoa and exporting the people into the afterlife.
I can't believe it! You're the one that brought me into this, and now I have bad karma too? Hey! You're divorced, you're hung up on your wife, and you're living alone.
How much worse can your life get? I just think we're gonna pay for profiting from death like this.
Yeah, and until then, I'm gonna be driving a Ferrari.
A death Ferrari.
A cherry-red death Ferrari with a bumper sticker that says, "honk if you love all-you-can-eat buffets.
" I told Kim I loved her during sex! You said what? During sex? To Kim? I didn't mean to say it.
At least not then.
It was an accident.
No, an "accident" refers to something harmless, like clipping a bike messenger.
What would possess you to say that? I don't know.
Because I was thinking it? Wait a minute.
Are you saying you actually love this granola-cruncher? Yeah.
I do.
No.
That's ridiculous.
I mean, come-- you just blurted it out in the heat of passion.
That's all.
Would you have said it any other time? Like, if you guys were playing a game of parcheesi.
Or monopoly, or clue, or stratego? What is with the board games? They're fun! I-- it would not have slipped out on game night, but just because I didn't mean to say it doesn't mean I don't mean it.
See? I warned you.
This is exactly what happens when you keep dating someone! The problem isn't that I told Kim I love her, the problem is that she didn't say it back.
Yes! There's hope! Well, what did she say? Nothing, really.
She said she wanted pancakes.
Regular or buttermilk? It's probably not important.
Guys, you just don't understand.
I'm freakin' out here! Okay? Please tell me I'm overreacting.
Sorry, Danny.
Once you tell someone you love 'em and then they talk to you about pancakes, it's over.
Now, wait-wait-wait just a second here, guys.
There is nothing wrong with a one-way I-love-you.
Okay? I told Alison "I love you" every day for five years.
She never said it back once.
I didn't want to scare her off.
You guys have to help me fix this.
Okay, look.
I don't like to do this, but I think I might have your "out".
People say crazy things during sex.
What do you mean? You know, all those funny little things couples say when they're in the throes of passion.
Like if you were to call Kim a whore.
I've never called Kim a whore.
Did you speak that way to Alison? No.
Can I ask you a personal question, Nikki? I had one drink, and it was before I started work.
On second thought, I just hired you.
We should keep our relationship professional.
Good choice.
Have you ever had a guy blurt out "I love you" during sex? Pfft, yeah.
What did you say? The last time? I said, "listen, senator.
You don't love me, you love your wife.
" Why? What'd you say? I said I was going to go make pancakes.
Why didn't you just kick him in the nuts? Maybe it was two drinks.
I was caught off-guard! Imagine you're finishing a marathon, trying to make it past the finish line, and right at the end, someone asks you a math question.
First of all, I'm not sure you're doing sex right.
Second of all, how do you really feel about the guy? I think I love him.
That never goes well.
But, if that's what you're into, you're gonna have to tell him.
Oh! What if it was just a sex I-love-you, not "I love you" I-love-you? Honey, where have you been? They're all sex I-love-yous.
You're right.
Danny wouldn't say it unless he meant it.
I'm gonna tell him tonight.
Okay, fill me in tomorrow.
But make sure you recap what we just talked about.
I don't always remember everything day-to-day.
You know what, Nikki? This has been good.
Thank you.
What do you think I should wear? Not that.
Look, if you really love Kim, you're gonna have to tell her you don't love her.
How am I supposed to say that? Just tell her it slipped out because she's so good in the sack.
She'll be flattered, and it'll save your relationship.
Huh.
That's good advice.
Thanks, guys.
Well, of course.
It's not like we're idiots.
That'll be my casket! You had that delivered here? Why didn't you just have it delivered to your own place? And then bring it over here? That makes no sense.
Oh, what the crap? Come on! I can't fit a fat guy into this.
Yeah, ironically, you'd have to break his bones and cram him inside.
"Some assembly required.
" Oh, that's okay.
I got the instructions right here.
And look at that.
They're in samoan.
You know, I speak samoan.
It means "whore.
" I've been wanting to talk to you.
- You first.
- Why don't I go first? About the other night.
When I said Well, you know Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry if I put you on the spot.
No! I'm the one who should apologize.
I should've said something right away.
No.
No need.
I'll say it for both of us.
I take it back.
And I love-- what? You take it back? Yeah.
Yeah.
I didn't mean it.
It was too soon, don't you think? Yeah.
Way too soon.
It's just you were so great at having sex with me.
Tried to bring my "a"-game.
You sure did.
It left me speechless.
Well, I mean, not-- not speechless, obviously.
It's just that I was caught up in the moment.
People often say things they don't mean during sex.
Like "whore.
" Excuse me? No! No-no-no.
No.
I mean, sometimes people say things during sex they absolutely don't mean.
Like "I love you.
" Exactly! So what you're trying to say is you un-love me? Yes! Thank you.
I un-love you.
I feel so much better.
Don't you? Oh, yeah.
Thank God.
Dodged that bullet.
Okay, good.
I'm glad we talked.
Yeah, I mean, what a relief, you're not in love with me.
Man.
I'm gonna sleep better tonight.
Well, oh-- yeah.
Okay.
Great.
Yeah.
In fact We should celebrate! Hey, everyone! Drinks on me! Yay.
What are you doing? Writing cheques to charities.
Trying to balance out that karma.
Oh, good.
Well, write out one to e Sheldon white foundation, and hand me that wrench.
Seriously? You're still scared of this thing? What do you expect? When I was a kid, you used to lock me in grandpa's old trunk.
Oh, the coffin game? You know, that was fun.
I'm not going anywhere near that death-trap.
It's not a death-trap.
It's just a box that you put dead people in.
And they never get out of.
This isn't a joke.
I have been haunted by dreams of death ever since you started that stupid business.
Like last night, I dreamt we got in a plane crash.
Yeah.
Only you were Alison and I was Alison and the pilot was also Alison.
And what about the plane? Alison.
Look, this is ridiculous, okay? I'm gonna prove to you that there's nothing to be scared of, okay? Look.
I get inside It's just a box, made out of sweet bevelled mahogany, satin-pillowed interior.
Look at this.
It's like I've died and gone to heaven.
See? Karma's after you, and I'm next! The problem isn't karma.
The problem is I can't read samoan.
Man, that thing is huge.
Yeah, well, when you have a fat person in it, it's a lot more proportional.
Huh? So? How'd it go? Great.
She bought a round of drinks for the house.
So she's happy.
Of course she's happy! No one wants to hear that kind of talk.
Especially in the bedroom.
Well, some of us would've liked to hear it a little more.
Or once.
In any room.
It's all good? No.
I feel horrible.
She couldn't have been more thrilled if I'd asked her to not marry me.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Language! I hear that word once more, and I'm gonna wash your mouth out with soap.
Yeah.
You know what they say.
It's better to have loved and un-loved than to have never loved at all.
You know, not for nothing, but Ryan's not really into this relationship, I'm not really into this relationship, and now Kim's not into the relationship.
You get the feeling the world's trying to tell you something? You guys are not helping.
Okay.
You know what? How about this, little bro? Let's have some fun.
Who wants to play the coffin game? Maybe one round.
So let me get this straight.
He took you out to dinner to tell you he un-loves you? That's my guy.
Are you sure he didn't say "gotcha!" Or anything? I really appreciate you coming tonight.
I promised I'd come, but I just couldn't face Danny alone.
No worries.
I'm happy to do it.
I'm still on the clock, right? Speaking of which.
He looks like a moron.
That's Sheldon.
Danny's the one in the middle.
Oh.
He's cute.
I know.
He's adorable.
I feel like smashing him in the face.
Hi, Hon.
Hey, sweetheart.
Danny, this is Nikki.
Nikki, this is Danny.
Hey, Nikki.
How's it going? I thought you'd be taller.
Flyin' in with the wings.
Sheldon, Ryan, this is Nikki.
Oh, Nikki, huh? You a vegetarian too, like granola-brain here? I'd eat you if I had to.
Man, I just love the wings here.
You "love" these wings? Yeah, they're awesome! Are you sure you're not just caught up in the moment? Excuse me? He's known these wings a long time, missy.
If he says he loves the wings, he loves the wings.
Yeah, but what if he doesn't love them tomorrow? Well, maybe the wings love him back.
Are we still talking about chicken? Welcome, everyone, to karaoke roulette! Let's get started with our first singer of the night So, wait.
Kim, are you upset that-- Danny white! Come on up to the big stage, buddy! That's okay.
No, no, wait a minute.
This is karaoke roulette.
You got no choice, bro.
Give it up for Danny white, everyone! Come on, Danny! All right.
And the first song of the night is Olivia Newton John's "I honestly love you"! Oh, that's bad karma right there.
Oh, my Maybe one more spin? Give him another song? Oh my God.
This is gonna be bad.
I guess he won't be wanting these wings anymore, right? Hey! It's me again.
Look, I know we've had a little miscommunication lately, so just to be clear, could you call me back and let me know if you're not speaking to me? Well, that was dignified.
Well, it was better than the one he left five minutes ago.
I cannot believe I listened to you guys again.
Ever since I un-loved Kim, she'll barely have anything to do with me.
Have barely anything to do with Kim, and we're doing great.
Why don't you let that motivate you? I never should have told her I un-love her.
Yeah! That was so stupid.
That was your idea.
Okay, but it wasn't our idea for you to listen to us.
If you'd listened to me, you wouldn't have this problem.
You'd be single.
Look, I love Kim, okay? And I'm tired of playing games.
So I am gonna go and I am gonna tell her that I love her.
I don't even care if she doesn't love me back.
Okay, little bro, but just remember, once you go down that road, there's no taking it back.
Except for taking it back.
You're right.
I've got to show her I love her in a way I can't undo.
You know, Alison and I got matching tattoos.
At least, they would've been matching if she'd actually gone through with it.
I just had an idea.
And you guys are going to help me.
Okay.
It's your funeral, bro.
Which reminds me, Ryan.
Help me get this thing down to my rental hearse.
Finally! This thing's getting the hell out of here and taking its bad karma with it.
Um, Sheldon Yeah? Did you measure the door before you built that? Well, I eyeballed it.
Oh.
Hey, Nikki.
I got your message.
What's the emergency? Oh, yeah.
What time do I start tomorrow? What? They made me do it.
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Tank you very much.
Danny, I don't understand.
I wanted to show you how I feel so you'd know I mean it, and I meant it the first time.
I love you, Kim.
No take-backs.
Danny, the other day I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure.
Whore.
But now I am.
I love you, Danny White.
Oh, man That one's gonna be a bitch to take back.
Can you hand me the salt? Here it is.
Thanks.
I love you.
I love you too.
Don't you just love saying it? I love saying it almost as much as I love you.
I just love loving you.
I love it that you love me.
Dinner will be ready in just a sec, guys.
I've lost my appetite.
How does it taste? It tastes like love.
All right! I'm done.
What about your fear of caskets? I just conquered it.
Oh, God.
Thank God there's room for two.
So, lowering the casket down the side of the building, that was Sheldon, right? Yes.
Should have stretched first! And it's gonna end Not well.
- I can't hold 'er.
- Careful.
Careful! It's slipping! Please tell me that was a shrub wearing a hat! If anyone asks, it wasn't us.