Package Deal (2013) s01e04 Episode Script

Kim vs. Karaoke

Hey, Danny.
Ryan a Hello! Oh, hey.
I didn't realize we'd be interrupting a romantic evening.
Aren't you gonna introduce us to your little balloon friend? Actually, I'm recreating the McKenzie murder scene.
I'm trying to prove it wouldn't have been possible from this angle.
[Boom] I think those breasts might have been fake.
What are you guys doing here? The karaoke competition is in less than two weeks.
We haven't even rehearsed once! We can't just hop up on stage and sing anything, man! It's karaoke.
I've been swamped with work.
Please! You're swamped with Kim.
And just remember, bro, no matter how sexy she is now, eventually, that new-car smell wears off.
Or even worse, a tall handsome man might steal your car, after you put it through med school, leaving you divorced, with nothing to drive on a cold, lonely night.
Hey! Why don't you get your own analogy? We're talking about Kim here, not your ex-wife.
Yeah, I thought we were talking about karaoke.
We are! And we have stiff competition this year.
Dick Gombert, the 85-year-old Tony Bennett wanna-be got a pacemaker put in, and he's gunning for us.
Very slowly gunning for us.
We haven't even picked a song yet.
Now, I'm thinking anything by Adele.
I don't know who that is and it sounds gay.
I'm thinkin' queen.
Let me guess, you get to be Freddie Mercury? No, I'm gonna be Brian may.
Have we met? Freddie Mercury wore suspenders with no shirt.
No one wants to eat a platter of wings while looking at your nipples.
Especially the third one.
It looks like it's winking.
That's my belly-button.
I don't know how it got up here.
Look, guys, I would love to rehearse, but Kim's coming over.
Well, no, look.
We all have to make sacrifices here, Danny, okay? I'm willing to reschedule my date.
You're going on a date? Not yet.
What I meant to say was, I joined an online speed-dating site.
Online speed-dating? Huh.
So now you can get rejected from the comfort of your own home? Look, I had no choice.
My shrink gave me an ultimatum either start dating, or find a new doctor.
Get this he thinks I'm hung up on Alison.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Poppycock! I know, right? Anyway, this has nothing to do with Alison.
It's about getting a photo on Facebook with a really hot girl That Alison can see.
You know what, Danny? Forget about it, okay? Ryan and I have been working on this Sonny-and-Cher thing anyhow.
I'm not gonna be Cher! Whoa Are you saying I'm out of the fake band? I'm saying You're not taking our fake band seriously enough.
How can you say that? [Cell phone rings] No one is more dedicated to this than Oh! Hey, honey.
Yeah, I'll buzz you in.
All right, tell you what, we'll rehearse tonight.
Kim was just coming over to watch a movie anyway.
I'm sure she'll understand.
It's official.
[Door bangs] I hate everyone.
[Kicks inflatable doll] Tell her.
Tell her.
So what happened? My best friend, Linda, dumped me.
Out of the blue? More or less.
I was helping her shop for this dress I'm riveted.
Anyway She picks out this red-striped, skin-tight dress.
You know Linda, she's Huge.
And she turns around and she asks me if it makes her ass look fat.
Oh, crap.
You didn't! That's hilarious.
Well, what was I supposed to say? You could've just said it wasn't her colour.
Oh! I never thought of that.
Or it was last season, or a knock-off, or the stitching looked cheap.
I'm just saying.
You know I can't lie.
You know what I do when I have a day like that? I like to go home, have a nice, long hot bath, and let us rehearse.
What are you talking about? Ahem.
We're competing in a karaoke competition.
[Cracking up] Oh, you're serious? You know, whatever.
You guys go rehearse.
I don't want to do anything tonight.
Are you sure, honey? You guys have fun.
You see? I told you she was understanding.
- Now let's go rehearse.
- Yeah.
[Kim sobbing] We'll see you later, then? Yeah, I'll call you tomorrow.
[*] Okay, one more time before court.
Let's go over your testimony.
Relax! I'm just gonna be telling the truth exactly the way I memorized it.
Hey, Mac.
Looking good.
You, uh, you been working out? Yeah! I've been training with a gang-banger.
I help him with his portfolio.
You know, for a man who cheated the Colombians out of a million dollars in cocaine, he's surprisingly risk-averse.
What are you doing here, Sheldon? Well, somebody cancelled another rehearsal, and we still haven't nailed down a song.
Now? In case you haven't noticed, I'm working.
Yeah, and when you're not working, you're busy being Kim's fat-ass girlfriend.
No, I'm not.
Did you or did you not take a hot, steamy bubble-bath last night? Yeah But that was Kim and me.
So, you know.
So you had sex, then? We were too tired from talking.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case.
He's a woman! He's good.
Sit down.
Listen, Danny.
You gotta grow a sack, man.
A great, big hairy sack, just like the kind that dangles from the throat of a moose.
Now, I need a little commitment here.
Even Ryan moved around his speed-dating for this.
Ryan's dating again? - Yeah.
- Oh, good for him.
I always got right back on the horse after each one of my wives mysteriously died.
You know what? I'm not leaving until we pick out a song.
I don't think you understand.
I am trying to save a man's life here! [Whispers] And it's really not looking very good.
I don't think you understand! I got I got a lot of money riding on this, okay? Who bets on karaoke? I got a local bookie who covers everything student elections, reality shows, haircuts.
I lost a lot of money on pee-wee basketball.
You don't think I would rather be hanging out with you guys than going to another farmers' market with Kim? [Gasps] Great, a $12 apple.
Yay! Don't listen to me, I'm just the allegedly-insane alleged wife-killer, but, um Find Kim a new best friend.
Wait a minute You know how Ryan's speed-dating to find a new girlfriend? What about speed friending? What, get a bunch of women together and let Kim take her pick? It's like a farmers' market for chicks.
Well, we would be Helping, right? And if she did find a new friend, I'd finally have time to rehearse.
Well, let me know if she's cute.
I could use a new wife.
[*] All I know is, I'm glad the marriage is over.
I mean, what did I see in Alison anyway? Besides, being single is way more fun.
Is that your wedding picture behind you? Of course not.
That came with the frame.
They look so happy.
which brings me to this point.
I suppose I'm lucky I don't have to work anymore, thanks to the divorce settlement, but still I'd much prefer to be married and in love.
I just think Do you wanna have cyber-sex? Who's the guy in the background? Oh, that's Pete.
He likes to watch.
I guess you could call me a homebody.
I haven't been outside in 10 years.
You're an agoraphobic? Do you want to come over? Oh, and could you pick up some groceries? I'm really hungry.
I'm a little nervous if you can't tell.
[Blows nail] Truth is I'm still getting over my husband.
He cheated on me with a doctor.
Oh, my God! Me too.
Gastroenterologist? Podiatrist! Oh! So how about dinner? Well you do look photogenic enough to make someone jealous.
How do you feel about teeth-whitening? Excuse me? You're totally right.
That's what Photoshop is for! [*] How do you know Danny? I'm a parole officer.
Okay! Vicki is great.
You guys actually have a lot in common.
You're both from California.
Really? I'm from L.
I hate L.
But Kim's a girl, and you like girls.
She didn't like the parole officer either? I don't get it.
Vicki is actually really funny.
We got to practice.
Dick Gombert just got a hip replacement.
He's more machine than man.
Can I talk to you for a second? Can we get out of here? But the party's just starting.
Lots more women are coming.
And men! Are you looking for a three-way? What? No! Are you? No.
It's just that you keep introducing me to all these weird women.
Weird? What? You think they're all weird? Even bernice the court reporter? I'll be at the bar.
Hey I gotta tell ya, Kim's awful picky for a girl with no friends.
Hey, guys! This is Janice.
Oh! Hey.
The Internet chick.
Hey, I have an idea.
Sheldon, could you take a photo of us, please? Hey, let's do one of those funny ones, where you're nibbling on my ear I just think that'd be so cute for Facebook.
Whoa! You are rockin' that bag.
Where did you get that? It's this little outlet next to the yoga studio on main.
Is that near "the loose leaf"? That's my tea shop! I love that place! Yeah! You look really familiar.
Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner! Morning, Mac.
Morning, Danny.
Boy, I am telling you, I am loving these workouts.
If I ever make it outta here, I'm going to be a real lady-killer.
Rephrase that, please! How are things working out with Kim and her new friend? It's great.
Kim's happy again.
I've had time to rehearse with the guys.
You know, I even found a way to get that video of you hiring a hit man thrown out.
Hey, I didn't hire that guy, okay? It was just a joke.
Well, his rate was a joke.
Yeah, it's nice.
Although, last night, she did watch "The bachelor" with Janice, which sort of hurt.
It was a rose ceremony.
Danny, it's me.
How long have we been friends? I guess ever since you might have killed your wife.
Seems longer.
Anyway, I think I know you well enough to see that you're not happy.
Okay, I didn't think Kim would be spending this much time with Janice, but it's fine.
[Phone buzzes] We're actually having dinner tonight, so.
I guess we're not.
She just cancelled.
To spend the night with Janice.
You know, Danny I know someone might be a little expensive who can make this problem Go away.
Oh, my God! What are you saying? A therapist.
Oh good.
[Both laughing heartily] What do you think, I'm a monster? Oh, no.
You care for Kim! No! Sheesh.
Now, this Janice woman Do you have an address? Look, I've been doing a lot of thinking about this, okay? I hear what you're saying.
But I think we should do Adele.
We all got your little emails, Ryan.
Now man up and put on your wig! This better not be human hair.
Or synthetic.
It's not.
Well, what is it, then? They're 100% pure awesome! You know, I still say the Beatles would be together if Paul and Ringo had just found a little friend for yoko.
About that we need to talk about Janice.
Wait a minute.
She doesn't like Kim? No, she likes her too much.
Yeah, well, I'm glad someone does, 'cause, guys, I cannot stand Janice! Oh, my God.
She tells the same stories over and over! On top of that, she spits when she gets excited.
I keep feeding her crackers, hoping it'll dry her up.
Nothin'! I gotta break up with her.
You know, that is a great idea.
No, no.
You can't! Who's gonna keep an eye on Kim? I don't know.
Maybe her boyfriend? Ridiculous! You've gotta help win this competition so I can pay off my bookie.
Am I the only one thinking about me here? What if she wants to have sex with me? Huh? I can even imagine how much spitting that'll involve.
[Thumps table] Let me tell you what a wise man once said to me.
[Off-key]: * Risin' up * * back on the street * did my time took my chances [*] I was an army brat! Yeah? First, we lived in spokane Then we moved up to Sault-Ste.
Marie Saskatoon [Slowing down ominously]: Sausalito [Spittle whooshing] and finally, Cleveland.
Oh! Ohio! No, Mississippi! [With music, off-key]: * Risin' up * straight to the top had the guts had the glory went the distance now I'm not gonna stop just a man and his will to survive it's the eye of the tiger Ugh! Those are men's! Ah! Oh! I haven't been this turned on since I had a threesome with the Foo Fighters.
You had sex with the Foo Fighters? Well, actually, the faux fighters.
These guys sold insurance or something, but, man, they did a hot "Long road to ruin.
" So, a karaoke groupie, huh? Sounds, uh, kind of desperate.
Oh, that's a compliment.
Oh! Do you feel what I feel? Well, if you feel like watching msnbc, then yes.
[Spit-laughing] I want you now! [Unnerved]: Okay.
Just let me grab some protection first.
[Tv announcer]: Next up on Lacrosse the Country," we're in winnipeg for the women's amateur semi-finals.
That face, that face - * that wonderful face * - Look at him! He should be embarrassed, wearing an outfit like that, at his age.
Oh, hey! Uh, Kim's here.
Which means Janice isn't far behind.
She's not coming.
We had a fight.
You're not gonna believe this.
She asked me if she spits when she talks.
What was I supposed to do, lie? Yeah.
That's how men survive.
You guys know I can't lie.
Now she never wants to talk to me again.
Oh, yeah! Now can I break up with her? Why are you asking them? Yeah! Why are you asking us? Yeah, what are you? Stupid or something? Right, no, of course.
I mean, what was I thinking? I'm the one dating her.
Of my own free will.
What the hell is going on here? Okay, here's the thing.
You are gonna laugh when you hear this.
You had that fight with Linda.
Right? And wewe had to rehearse, and you needed me to go look at purses with you wanted to get rid of me, so you set me up with Janice? Look no, no, no, no.
We just gave you the options.
You chose her.
Come on, Ryan.
Let's go do a shot before we go on.
I don't want a shot.
I need you to pay.
I don't believe this.
You pawned me off on that-that spitter just so you could have more time with your brothers? Well, when you say it like that, of course, it sounds bad.
Now, why couldn't you just be honest? Really? Honesty? Look how well that's worked out for you so far.
Let's go, we're on.
Can we just talk about this after? You know, you said you wanted more space? Kim [Host taps mic]: And now, coming to the stage, our three-time champions Sheldon White and his little brother band! "Sheldon White and his little brother band?" I thought we agreed on "White here, white now"? Come on! I can't believe we lost.
How do you forget the lyrics to "Eye of the Tiger?" Those are the lyrics.
I'm sorry, guys.
Okay? I don't know what happened.
It's this whole thing with Kim, it just threw me off my game.
Look, I will pay off your debt with the bookie.
It's all right, I already gave him your credit card.
Come on, let's go crash Dick Gombert's victory party.
I hear his grand-daughter's hot.
Although she's 60.
I'm good.
Hey, guys.
You're back.
I thought about what you said, and I understand why you set me up with Janice.
Well, it was still a pretty crappy thing to do.
From now on You'll always be my boyfriend, not my girlfriend.
Are those my tights? Yes.
Come here.
What? Oh, my Gno! No, no, no, no.
Oh, come on, it's fun! ["I got you, babe" karaoke track plays] They say we're young and we don't know we won't find out until we grow [Horribly off-key]: * Well, I don't know * if that is true 'cause you got me and, baby, I got you [Shuts track off] You're awful.
Hey you know I can't lie.