Package Deal (2013) s01e10 Episode Script

Big Brothers

- Now, Ryan, I'd like to try something.
- Okay, great.
- I just want you to relax.
- Okay.
[Exhales intensely] That's a little distracting.
No, it's part of the therapy.
You'll see.
Now, tell me about the first time you met Alison.
Uh, well, I was ordering a turkey sandwich at this great little bistro, when Alison Ah! What was that for? It's slap therapy.
It's from China.
It unblocks your obstructed meridians.
So please continue.
Okay, um, well, anyway, that's when Alison [smack] But you told me to talk about Alison! [Smack] Go on.
Well, I don't want to talk about her anymore.
- See, Ryan? We're making progress! - We are? Wow.
I got to say, you are the best therapist I have ever had.
Thank you.
- Well, our time's up.
- Oh.
- Okay, I guess I'll see you on Tuesday? - Yes.
Okay, and I will not be mentioning Alison.
[Smack] - I thought you said our time was up! - No charge.
[] Season 1, Episode 10 "Big Brothers" Geez.
Don't you have a home? I could say the same thing about you guys.
Whoa, Kim! No need to be hostile.
Babe, what's wrong? You look awful.
Aw, it's nothing, I just have this raging stress migraine.
He just found out he's getting a big award.
Please, stop yelling.
Why would getting an award give you a migraine? It all started back in middle school.
I won this huge award, and the principal goes to give it to me, and I You know, I don't want to talk about it.
It was bad.
Okay? It was awful.
It was traumatizing.
Were you touched? What? No! Geez, Kim.
You go dark fast.
Some kid pantsed him in front of the whole school.
Everyone was laughing at me.
- Aw, it's not that big a deal.
- Seriously.
Minor embarrassment.
I've had worse traumas today! - Why don't you just skip the ceremony.
- I can't.
It's for some pro bono work I did for Big Brothers.
They're holding this huge ceremony at the courthouse just for me.
[Frustrated sigh] God! Why do I have to be such an amazing person? You know My therapist deals with anxiety issues all the time.
- Maybe you could talk to her.
- I don't know I mean, nothing against therapy, but you've been doing it for 30 years, and, well you know.
Trust me, okay? She's a little unorthodox, but amazing.
You know, you guys should think about getting laid.
That's what I'm about to do.
Best therapy out there.
Are you still dating Jenny What's-her-face? No, it's Laura Something-or-other.
She's the chick from Big Brothers who dropped off the tickets for Danny's award banquet.
She was here for four seconds.
I know.
I'm getting old.
It's embarrassing.
So, you just met her, and you're already planning to hop into bed with her? I feel like you're trying to make a point, but I don't know what it is.
My point is, you're a pig! You don't even know anything about her! Well, I know she had boobs.
Great big, round boobs, like giant owl eyes staring through the night.
Boobs make you so poetic.
You should hear my ass-haiku.
- Come on, give me a ride home, Ryan.
- Feel better, Danny.
I am so stressed out.
What am I gonna do? You know, I hate to even say this, but Sheldon might've had a good idea how to relieve your stress.
How is Sheldon having sex gonna relieve my stress? Oh Danny! It's okay.
This happens to every guy.
It's just the anxiety.
- I'm going to see Ryan's therapist.
- OK, I think you're overreacting.
Where are you going? To take one of my showers.
But you just took a Aw! [] Here, try this.
"Kingpole tea?" - Is that good for my nerves? - It's good for your limp noodle.
You told her about that? It may have slipped out in conversation.
- How does something like that slip out? - We were talking about it? Look, it's nothing.
Really Guys, I'm in trouble.
I think Laura slipped me something last night.
After our date, I've been feeling kind of funny.
- Funny how? - I don't know, it's weird.
I mean, I slept with her, but, for some reason, I'm still thinking about her.
And I'm thinking about her now.
And now.
And now! How about now? Actually yes! I can I can still smell her perfume.
- Oh, no! Maybe it's a brain tumor.
- Yeah.
You'd need a brain for that.
If you weren't Sheldon, I'd say you actually care for this woman.
Don't be ridiculous.
I mean, sure, I haven't checked out another broad all day.
And every time I think about her, I get this dopey look on my face.
Oh, no! I had that exact same look when I met Kim.
That's not funny, Danny! You know, I can't believe I'm saying this, but maybe you're finally ready for a mature relationship.
She's not old, Kim.
- You know that's not what I meant.
- I know what you meant.
I was deliberately making a joke to hide [gulps] To hide my true feelings.
Oh, no.
It's worse than I thought.
Sheldon, maybe you want to tell this girl how you feel.
Yeah! You're right.
Maybe I should.
How's this sound? "Laura I have feelings for you.
" "And not just below the waist.
" - That would work for me.
- "Hello" works for you.
Hey, thanks for letting me take part of your session.
No problem.
I can't wait for you to meet Sydney.
Oh! And Because this is your first therapy session, I made you a starter kit.
Tissues Dream journal.
More tissues.
You never know what kind of weirdos were in here before you.
- Thanks, Ryan.
- Yeah [Door opens] Hello.
I'm Dr.
Sydney Forbes.
[Sanitizer squirts] You must be Ryan's brother? Uh, yeah.
Um, thanks for seeing me.
Danny has been having some anxiety issues because he's getting this award from Big Brothers.
Handsome and a big heart.
Here, have a seat.
Maybe you're right, maybe he is too good for his girlfriend.
Okay, now, I want to try something.
Just relax.
Hell-lo! [Chuckles anxiously] Now, tell me the first time you experienced this anxiety.
Don't mention Alison.
Well, I was in middle school and I just won this huge award Here we go! Chinese reflexology.
[Shoe thuds] - How's that feel? - Unfair? Amazing, actually.
You know, I find, when I'm nervous about public speaking, I like to picture people in their underwear.
- Right! No, I heard about that.
- So why don't we practice with me? Can you picture me in my panties? Whoo You are so cute.
- Don't you want to just smother him? - Yes.
You know, I don't like to throw the word "hero" around, but to be raised by your brothers and turn out so great? Wow.
Okay! Well, thanks for seeing Danny, he's all better now, we should probably get going.
He's so busy being a hero and all.
Actually, Ryan, I'd like to spend some time with Danny Alone.
That's understandable.
It's not personal at all.
So I'll Just get the heck out of here.
Don't want to intrude.
Wow! I am so glad this worked out so well! [Slams door] [] [Making trilling sound] [Breathes deeply] [Trilling louder] I'm telling you, Ryan's therapist was great.
Her techniques have already made me feel so much better.
She even said it would help in the bedroom.
[Resumes trilling] You mean as birth control? - Hey, there he is.
- Hey! So how'd it go with Laura? Did you tell her how you feel? - I did.
- That's wonderful! - Good for you! What'd she say? - She dumped me.
- Oh, no! How're you feeling? - Well, I'm okay, I guess.
Except for this eye allergy.
It it keeps leaking.
So you took her to dinner theatre, everything's going great Yeah, then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, she says [mockingly] "This isn't working out.
" Then she leaves! Look, Sheldon, it's simple.
Was she having a bad day? You mean, was she riding the crimson tide? - That's just another way of saying - I get it, Sheldon.
I mean, did she say anything about her feelings? Probably, but, you know, that's the kind of thing I tend to tune out.
So you were ignoring her.
Aw, come on, look, I'm not Superman, Kim! I can't listen and pay attention at the same time.
Plus, this was dinner theatre.
You're supposed to be paying attention to the horses.
Horses? - What kind of dinner theatre has horses? - Uh Medieval Times? You mean the place where you eat with your hands? Look, if you know of a better way to eat four pounds of turkey teat, I'd like to know about it.
I bet you slapped your waitress on the butt, too.
Uh, first of all, they're called "wenches.
" And second, it would be rude not to.
So, to sum it up you showed no interest in Laura's feelings, didn't listen to a word she said, and fondled another woman right in front of her.
I'm not even a woman, and I'm offended.
Look, it's nothing I haven't done to a million girls before, okay? - Look, women are crazy.
- Did you ever think that it might be you? Go on Some women appreciate things like manners and attentiveness, not slapping wenches on the ass.
Well, that's a hell of a thing to keep to yourself, Kim.
Yeah, doesn't matter now.
It's too late.
I'm never gonna see her again.
Well, actually, since she volunteers for Big Brothers, we're all gonna see her again at the banquet.
Hey, wait a minute! You're right! I might have a chance to win her back.
Do you think you can teach me all that "women" crap before the weekend? You know, I housebroke a dog once.
I can give it a try.
You know, I take back a third of all the horrible things I've ever said about you.
[] [Door thuds] Okay, good.
Next time, try holding the door open for your date.
Right, okay, good.
You don't have a piece of paper, do ya? I should probably be writing this stuff down.
Now, if you brought me here on our date, what would you do first? Well, first of all, I'd probably apologize for taking you somewhere so annoying, and then I'd take you to a bar, so we could get loaded.
Well, thank you, Sheldon, but I like it here.
- Would you go get me a cup of chai? - What? Your legs not working? You've got a lot of work to do.
And the doctor even gave me a lollipop.
Now, let's see if you were listening.
In the story, did I receive for my birthday a) A bike, b) A cow, or c) Nothing? I don't know.
All of the above? I mean, come on! This stuff is hard.
I'm trying to listen, but you're really, really boring.
Okay, let's try this.
What color bra is the woman in the back corner wearing? Key-lime green, push-up, Victoria's Secret catalogue, page 17.
But wrong! You're supposed to be listening to your date.
If you find yourself leering, just use the elastic.
Ow! Now, next question.
Nikki, begin the test.
[Kim]: In the story about my favorite doll Was her dress [Nikki slapping kettle repeatedly] [Snap] Ow ow! You have to be attentive.
Eyes and ears on your date at all times! So, just to be clear not my hands? [Groans irately] We've been over this.
Accidental boob-gropes are never, ever appropriate.
I can't help it! It's not my fault! Women just love to put their boobs into my hand! You're impossible.
Okay, let's just Let's try working on how you look when you're being attentive.
No problem.
You're never gonna guess what happened yesterday when I was at the mall.
I met my best friend Joanna, she was wearing this great dress, and we went to our favorite store, and then she bought me these earrings - I can't do it.
- Wait, wait! - Let's just take a break! - I just See? Danny, where have you been? I've been calling you all day! What happened with Dr.
Forbes? Hello, Ryan.
You're here, with Danny.
Making a house call.
With Chardonnay.
Syd is here interviewing me for a book she's writing.
It's all about exceptional people who have overcome childhood adversity.
You're an exceptional person? Which makes me the adversity.
Can I talk to you for a second? Look, Ryan, I was gonna tell you about it, but I didn't want you to go and get all - "You.
" - Well, I wouldn't worry about me, buddy, because as soon Kim finds out about you and "Syd," I think it's gonna result in some major fireworks! [Gasps] Sydney! How's it going? Hi! My therapist is friends with everyone now.
Oh, Ryan.
My socializing with your brother and your brother's girlfriend has nothing to do with us.
You're one of my favorite clients, and you know that.
Well, thank you.
That's very nice.
And my interest in Danny is as a subject.
He's very unique, brilliant mind.
And he's gone through so much.
- Kind of like Oprah.
- Okay.
Kim, I gotta tell ya, this has been a grueling Sweet, freshly-baked cinnamon bear-claws.
You must be Sheldon.
Sydney Forbes.
Bless the beast and the children.
Sheldon? Sheldon Why don't you try having a conversation with Sydney? - I think it might be a good exercise.
- Yeah! Why don't you, Sheldon? In fact, everyone should talk to her.
It's only my greatest nightmare! And I have no one to talk to about it! Okay.
Sounds like a good idea.
How are you today? Are you two enjoying this wonderful weather? No! - Okay - I know, I know, I went too far.
It's no, you don't worry about it.
It was an unfair test.
Practice makes perfect.
I'm going back in.
Ay-ay-ay-ay! [] Wow, Sheldon! You look great.
Thank you, Kim.
Your kind words mean a lot to me.
- So, are you ready to win Laura back? - Are you kidding? I haven't worked so hard for anything in my whole life.
Well, back to business.
What was my best friend's name when I was 14? Well, you thought it was Christine, but given how she backstabbed you at the winter formal, Monica turned out to be your best friend all along.
Way to go! All right, guys, let's go.
Wow! You look so hot tonight! Danny, please! She's not a wench.
[Buzzing chatter, quiet and indistinct] Oh, look, you guys all came together.
I'm surprised your new best friend, Dr.
Forbes, didn't come with you.
That would be ridiculous.
She couldn't make it.
Oh, if you'll excuse me, I do believe I see my lady friend.
Remember, you can do this.
Just remember Sensitivity, listening, understanding, and trust.
S-L U-T "S.
!" - Evening, Laura.
- Wow, Sheldon.
You look completely different.
Well, I've been thinking about you.
And I know I wasn't the greatest date.
I know I didn't listen to you, I took you to a restaurant with horses and poop.
And I was even staring at other women.
[Snaps elastic] But I've changed.
I promise To treat you right [Snaps elastic] And try to be a better man.
No matter how much it hurts.
[Snaps elastic] Sheldon, that's beautiful.
- Buy me a drink? - Yeah.
You know, I'm just gonna get a drink.
Okay, I can't hold this in any longer.
I don't like that you're friends with my therapist.
You know, I suspected there was a small chance you might overreact.
Oh, ho, ho! And yet, here I am, perfectly calm! You know, Ryan, I had one problem that I needed help with, and somehow you've made it about you.
Are you kidding me? Did you just say that to my face right now? Look at this place, man! It's a Danny-fest! Dan-a-palooza! It's Dan-a-frickin'-rama! I'm drinking a Dan-tini! I'm the guest of honor! Yeah, well, I would like to be the guest of honor in my own therapist's office.
Can we please talk about this later? You're making my anxiety flare up.
[Starts trilling] [Flicks finger] - Stop it! - "Stop it!" [Resumes trilling] [Slap] [Grunts] [Groans] So, uh, enjoying the event? Oh, it's wonderful.
But, to be honest, I'd be more comfortable if there weren't so many colored’s here.
I'm going to the ladies' room.
Make sure one of them doesn't steal my purse.
Mom liked me best until you were born, all helpless and useless! So you wish I was never born? Why do you think I dropped you on your head when you were two? [Gasps in horror] I can never shave my head! [Grunts] [Struggling ensues] - So? How's it going with Laura? - Great.
I've been asking a lot of questions, and it turns out she's a real Human being with emotional depth? Racist.
Wha racist? You stopped listening again, didn't you? Oh, no, I've been listening, and I hear "racist.
" All I'm hearing is you just can't listen to women.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, sweetie.
Oh, can you get that wetback over there to take my drink? I'm pretty sure he's a Supreme Court Justice.
[Speaker]: Good evening! I'd like to introduce tonight's honoree, winner of the Price-Stolberg humanitarian award, the exceptional Danny White.
Stop it.
[Guests applauding] [Ryan cries out victoriously] [Danny gasps] [Fuming and whimpering] Must be Jews.
[Gasps in horror] [] Danny, I'm sorry.
I don't know what came over me.
I guess I was just jealous.
- What? Of me? - Sydney was right.
You do have it all.
Big-ass career, loving girlfriend, awards coming out the friggin' Ying-Yang, I wanna pants you again.
Look, therapy is the one thing I do really, really well.
Well, Sydney did mention that you are a very unique patient.
You're damn right I am! And she's lucky to have me.
Look, if you want to keep seeing her, it's fine.
- Especially after tonight.
- No.
No need.
I was pantsed in front of a room full of people - And it wasn't that big a deal.
- It was pretty funny, though.
Justice Gonzalez laughed so hard, he spit his Dan-tini through his nose.
- Maybe I'll call Dr.
Forbes, after all.
- There you go.