Package Deal (2013) s01e09 Episode Script

A Few Good Muffins

Okay, I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna call her.
Right now! - You can do it.
- What if she says no? Well, then you're no more of a loser than you were before you asked her.
- Not a confidence-builder, Sheldon.
- Ryan, she's gonna say yes.
Think positive.
You're a great catch.
Thanks, buddy.
Sydney Forbes speaking.
You don't know me But my name is Ryan White.
Well, what can I do for you, Ryan White? - She sounds friendly.
- Go get her! Anyway Uh, Edward DeLucca told me I should call you.
He thought we might get along, so Well, I guess I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to get together sometime.
Well, I'm a little busy, but Of course.
What was I thinking? I'll hang up now.
No, wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wednesday, 2:00.
Yeah! That's great! Wow! I have a really good feeling about this.
Me too.
See you then.
She said yes.
I did it! Guys! I have a new therapist! Season 1, Episode 9 "A Few Good Muffins" Thanks.
Put it on his tab.
- I don't have a tab.
- Yeah.
You do.
So what are we celebrating? Well, I am officially in the kids' party-planning business.
Oh.
All done selling big-and-tall caskets? Oh, yeah.
Way too depressing.
- Mm.
All that death, huh? - Actually, not enough death.
I'm tellin' ya, kids are very popular these days.
They're the latest thing.
I'm so pissed, I could strangle someone.
- Well, Sheldon's here.
- Maybe later.
You're not gonna believe what they opened up right above my tea shop.
- What, a bookstore? - Why would I be upset about a bookstore? Who knows, with you.
They opened up a zumba exercise studio.
Oh! That is supposed to be so great for the core.
Whatever that is.
Well, it's bad for business.
It's so loud, that it's driving away my customers.
I don't think your landlord can do that, Kim.
If you can find your lease, I'd be happy to take a look for you.
That's so great! Oh! Found it.
Hey, guys.
Oh! Sorry, I'm late.
They opened up this great zumba studio right above Kim's shop.
Man, you are so lucky! You must go every day.
It's really good for the core.
Check it out.
Brr-rr-rr-rr! This is insane! Actually, I'm enjoying the peace and quiet.
- This is quiet to you? - I meant the lack of customers.
- Wow! They are really loud, huh? - This is nothing.
Wait till you hear their "big and beautiful" class.
Oh, good.
They're on a break.
So, what does my lease say? Well, it's pretty technical, but, basically, you're screwed.
It can't be that bad! No, it might actually be the worst lease I've ever seen.
According to this, the building "must" contain asbestos.
I'm afraid there's nothing you can do.
- What kind of a lawyer are you? - The free kind.
But I know how stressed you are, so, I bought you a massage, and a day of pampering at the spa.
Aww! Thank you! Oh! I could use that.
Oh, can I come? Oh.
I was hoping to enjoy myself.
Fine.
Don't worry, your shop will be in good hands.
Oh! I just got a great idea.
Why don't you join me? Really? That's so nice of you! Excuse me? Get outta here, you little ewok.
You've got to be this big to talk to me.
Ah.
I was supposed to meet my party planner here.
Hold on there, little buddy.
Hang on just a second.
I was only kidding.
You're Zachary Abrams, right? I, uh, I was expecting your parents.
It's my bar mitzvah.
I pick the party planner.
And, so far, I'm not impressed.
Mazel tov, buddy! Sit your little ass down.
- Now, can I get you something to eat? - Not in this dump! There's a great sushi place just up the street.
My parents take me there all the time.
Yeah, but they're rich.
So? You gotta spend money to make money.
Besides, the waitresses are ridiculous.
Okay, let's do this.
But those waitresses better be primo.
Dr.
Forbes? - Hi.
You can call me Sydney.
- Whoa 'Kay.
Sydney.
Wow.
You You are not what I was expecting.
I get that a lot.
I seem to be sweating.
I get that a lot, too.
I'm sorry.
I'm just really nervous.
Um, I haven't had a new therapist in a few years.
- Did Dr.
Nickman send you my files? - Yeah.
All three boxes of them.
Here.
Have a seat.
- So.
What's up? - Well, let's see.
I guess the main reason I'm here is marriage trouble.
- And when did that start? - Uh, since the divorce.
Maybe a couple of years before that.
I don't know.
I mean, I knew things weren't perfect.
Alison kept a list of grievances on the fridge.
Right next to "get milk" was "Ryan's a douche.
" Stop.
I'm not feeling a connection yet.
Would ya look at that? I seem to be sweating again.
Aw, you know, I sense a lot of sadness from you, Ryan, and I want to try a re-parenting exercise.
Um, what's that? Tell me about a time when you felt most vulnerable.
Well, uh I arrived at my new therapist's office and she wrapped her arms around me.
Aw, you poor baby.
How do you feel now? Safe? Excuse me.
Can I get a Dewar's on the rocks? Nikki, this is a spa! Just drink your cucumber water.
Fine.
This is ridiculous.
Our appointment was two hours ago.
You're really tense.
You should get a massage.
Hi.
I'm sorry.
Is there a problem? We're just running a tad behind.
Please be patient.
- I have been.
Very.
- No.
I don't believe you have.
Can you believe this place? I know.
They kicked me out of the smoking section.
- That was the steam room.
- I know what's going on here.
We got bumped for somebody more important.
- Katy Perry's in town! - That's so unfair.
Tell me about it.
What kind of stress can she have? She's rich, she's famous, she's talented God, I hate my life.
I'm gonna take care of this.
Excuse me.
May I please speak to your manager? Please, ma'am.
There is no need to shout.
After all, this is a spa.
I'm not shouting.
Ma'am, please.
Look.
I know Katy Perry's a big star, but I had a reservation.
I assure you, media sensation Katy Perry is not here right now, enjoying a full-body salt-scrub.
So I have been bumped for a celebrity.
You need to calm down.
Why don't you just relax and have a muffin? Fine.
Now will you please check on my massage? Of course.
And I'll put that muffin on your bill.
I'm sorry, what? The muffin.
It's $20.
$20? For a muffin? - Look, you offered it to me.
- Yeah, and you accepted it.
I'm not paying for a muffin I never ordered.
First, you didn't want to wait two hours for a massage.
Now you don't want to pay $20 for a muffin? What do you want? I want to get my clothes and get out of here.
- Not with that muffin.
- Fine.
Take it back.
I am so sorry.
I did not mean to do that.
Accidents happen.
Like this, for instance.
Yeah, well, it wasn't quite as relaxing as we thought it'd be.
So, honey, um, do you think you could pick me up? No.
No Not at the spa.
And I'm going to need bail.
No, I totally understand.
That's very reasonable.
I'll run it by her and get back to you.
I owe you one.
- Well? - Well, luckily, I hooked up with the prosecutor at a Christmas party and it went well.
Not that that's important right now.
We can plea the assault-and-battery charges down to a misdemeanor.
Oh, thank goodness.
Now, you will have to serve No problem.
And make restitution to the spa for the damages.
That's reasonable.
And of course, just pay for that muffin you threw.
Over my dead body.
- Then I'll pay for it! It's only $20.
- No! It's about the principle.
I'm with you, Kim.
That's outrageous.
What are we talking about? Look.
This is unfair.
I feel like I'm being taken advantage of.
It's just like the zumba studio, and I'm not gonna take it! Look.
Kim.
I am on your side, but these are serious charges.
Once the jury hears how much they charge for a muffin, they'll throw my case out.
Yeah.
Don't back down, Kim.
Especially in prison, you back down in prison, they own you.
Although, in chick prison, that could be pretty hot.
What are you doing, anyway? Ah, still trying to land that Abrams' bar mitzvah.
You know, that kid cost me and got us kicked out of a cigar bar.
Now he wants to go to a strip club.
I put my foot down.
I said, "No way! Topless only.
" Sheldon.
He's 13.
Yeah, well, that's why I'm making him a fake I.
D.
Hi, guys.
Hey, Ryan.
Did you get a haircut? It's my new therapist's idea.
I'm not supposed to worry about what people think of me.
Well, I think you look like a tool.
Yeah.
Still hurts.
What kind of therapist is this, anyway? I don't know.
I'm still trying to figure that out.
She's pretty unorthodox.
Okay.
Like this.
She's trying to make me be more decisive, so she wants me to pick out her new bathing suit.
- I think I'm gonna have to fire her.
- Whoa, that's her? I should go to therapy.
Too bad I'm the picture of mental health.
Whoa! She is - Not that attractive.
- Please! I'd switch teams for that.
I'm joking! Sort of.
Come in.
Can Sheldon come out? Oh, there he is.
Hey there, little buddy.
Any, uh, progress on making a decision about that bar mitzvah yet? Any progress on my I.
D.
? Hello, Dr.
Kawasaki.
Yes! I can write prescriptions! But responsibly.
How long have you known the defendant? A few months.
I just started working for her.
And how would you say she is as a boss? Great.
She tends to talk an awful lot about nothing, but I like her.
She ever lose her temper? - I'll take that as a "yes.
" - It's not like she yells.
Unless she catches you sleeping one off in the back, then watch out.
I see.
So she yells at you for taking breaks Breaks to which you are legally entitled.
Hmm.
What else am I legally entitled to? and you say Miss Mattingly attacked you for no reason? Completely out of the blue? Yes.
She just lost it.
Out of nowhere! It was not out of nowhere! Ask her about the muffin! Just a I was getting to the muffin! Okay.
What? Go.
Mr.
White, is there a problem? No, Your Honor.
Just getting an evidence bag Which contains the muffin in question, which the defense will submit as exhibit "A.
" Now, you testified that the defendant threw that muffin at you.
- Is that right? - Yes, a blueberry-bran.
It nearly took my eye out! They have a lot of roughage.
Your Honor, this is a farce! Miss Mattingly, sit down.
Mr.
White, will you approach the bench, please? Danny, if you can't control your client, I'll have to.
If you would, I think that'd be very helpful.
I take it Miss Mattingly is your girlfriend? We're in love.
Good luck with that.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Now, Miss Taylor, what does the spa charge for these Muffins? We charge $20.
I know, it's a lot.
But they're made by a group of deaf orphans who donate the proceeds to several worthy causes.
I didn't know that! I didn't know.
And people who can afford luxury spa packages are usually happy to help those less fortunate.
It was a gift certificate! Thank you.
That'll be all.
Did that go as badly as I think it did? Don't worry, we're gonna be fine.
You honor, the prosecution would like to call Timmy Edmonds to the stand.
He's one of the deaf-orphan bakers.
I guess I was naive to think that just because I was in the right that I would win.
Well, we still do have closing arguments, but I couldn't even turn this around if I bribed the judge.
And he's not opposed to that.
You should see his house.
Wow.
That was fun.
You are a very good paint-ball player, my funny little friend.
Double-shot of anything.
Please.
You really suck at it.
Yeah, well, luckily for you, I'm still a great party-planner.
About that I've decided to go with another guy.
Are you kiddin' me? I took three dozen paintballs to the sack for this bar mitzvah.
Yeah? Well, I found an Internet party planner in India.
What? You're out-sourcing me? - That's the Internet chick! - What are you talking about? I gotta tell you, your video rocks! I think you have me confused with someone else.
No.
No, I don't.
Here.
I can't believe this.
It's from the spa! "Mud sluts"? Wow! 220,000 hits.
Your boobs look way bigger on my computer.
See, doesn't this feel nice? Yeah, it's pretty relaxing.
Okay.
Now, imagine yourself emerging from your mother's vagina.
I am covered in imaginary placenta! Oh! That's good.
We're making progress.
No, we're not! I've seen you five times.
So far, you've made me groom myself like a monkey to get in touch with my primal self.
You wouldn't let me kill spiders for a week.
You even took away my hand-sanitizer! This is nonsense! OK.
Well, if you call making papier-mache sculptures out of your feelings "nonsense," fine, but you haven't talked about your ex-wife even once.
But that's not ev You're right.
And that's all you ever did with your last therapist.
- You're still right.
- Yeah.
A man who has feelings like this Deserves more.
You're a genius.
You are more than Alison's ex-husband, and I'm gonna get you past this.
I am so sorry I ever questioned you.
I mean, what now? I'm up for anything! Get down on all fours and give me your best "proud lion!" I am a proud lion! Raw could you hold my glasses, please? We will now hear closing arguments.
Your Honor.
A new, and somewhat embarrassing piece of evidence has come to light.
Objection.
This is clearly a stunt.
Your Honor, this video of the altercation only recently came to my attention.
There's a video? Of two women fighting in a spa? I think we will allow time for that.
Look, I'm not paying for a muffin I never ordered.
Well, you're not leaving here without paying.
Fine.
Take it back.
I am so sorry.
I did not mean to do that.
Accidents happen.
Like this, for instance.
My smock! - It's on! - Whoo! You spoiled princess! You spa hobbit! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! First thanks for that.
Secondly, since both parties are complicit here, I'm gonna dismiss the assault-and-battery charge.
Case dismissed.
We did it! Aw, thank you! It was nice to represent someone I believed in, for a change.
- I'm sorry that I was stubborn.
- That's okay.
You fight for what you believe in.
And you look hot doing it! - Hey, baby.
- Hey.
For a pervy 13-year-old, you really saved my butt.
I don't know I could thank you.
Well, your being Zachary's date at his bar mitzvah will be thanks enough.
Whoa, whoa.
What? Oh, don't worry, it's gonna be fun.
I'm the party planner.
And wear something low-cut.
You'll have a lot of fans there.
All right Hand over the flask.
It's not that.
I decided to take a zumba class.
Unfortunately, I slipped and fell doing a hip-shimmy.
And you broke your leg? It seems someone left water on the floor.
I threatened to sue.
He agreed to go elsewhere.
You did that for me? That's so unlike you.
I know.
But I felt bad about boning you on the stand.
- Aw! You're the best.
- I'm way too sober for intimacy.
How can I thank you? I'll think of something while I'm napping.
Wake me for lunch.