Package Deal (2013) s01e08 Episode Script

Ryan's Therapist

Hello! Oh, hey, Danny.
You, uh, busy? As a matter of fact, Kim is waiting for me in lingerie at a hotel suite.
Oh, good.
Nothing that can't wait, then.
Listen, Danny, I want you to come to one of my overeaters support groups with me.
What are you talking about? Oh, it's gonna be a gold mine for my big-and-tall casket business.
All those clogged arteries in one place.
You never know when one of those chubbies is gonna drop dead.
Taking advantage of people at their most vulnerable, really? Oh! Says the man that defended the serial killer that made suits with his victims' skin.
The guy was found guilty.
And he did a hell of a job hemming my pants.
- All right.
Come on, let's go.
- What do you need me for? Come on, look at me.
I got the body of an Adonis.
Nobody's gonna buy it.
I need someone who's pudgy.
What? I'm not pudgy! I'm solid.
Look, it's not your fault.
You're in a relationship, okay? People like you don't have to work for sex anymore, so, you know, you let yourself go.
- Come on, let's move.
- Tempting, but I can't.
I told you, I'm going to meet Kim.
She's not done fattening me up yet.
How long you been standing there? Well, he was there when I walked in.
And you didn't think to see if anything was wrong? I lost my therapist.
Well, where was the last place you saw him? Dr.
Nickman just said this was our last session.
He's moving tomorrow.
All the way across the country.
Well, I'm surprised you're not going with him.
You don't think I asked that? Uh, Ryan? Look, I'm sorry you lost your therapist.
I'm just on my way out, but we can definitely talk later.
Actually, now's perfect.
Nickman said his parents are older and not doing so well, so he's moving his entire practice to be near them.
Didn't he see enough of them when he was a kid? I'm real sorry to hear about all this, but I've got a business meeting, okay? And I'm pretty sure you'll still be just as miserable when I get back.
[Door closes] Look, Ryan, you'll find another therapist.
Excuse me? Do you think I'm the type of guy that just jumps from one couch to the next? I have standards.
You told the cashier at Jamba Juice you were afraid of dying alone.
She asked me how my day was.
And I got a free protein booster out of it.
Well, have you talked to anybody else in your support network? Your life coach? Your acupuncturist? Your colonic technician? Well, obviously, we're meeting tomorrow.
But Dr.
Nickman and I were together for five years, and we just started making progress! I know you did.
And that was a big step you took last week when you finally admitted you and Alison were divorced.
Ah! Separated! Okay, divorced! How could Dr.
Nickman do this to me? I just feel so abandoned.
No one is abandoning you.
[Phone chimes] I gotta go.
What? You're leaving me, too? Wait! Where are you going? - A hotel.
- Well, how come? - A romantic evening.
- Well, do you need some company? I'm meeting Kim.
For sex! Oh.
Well, do you think maybe I could Wait in the lobby? Yeah, okay.
Come on.
Don't ask.
Season 1, Episode 8 "Ryan's Therapist" That's five tins of mint leaves, six tins of rose hips.
- Nikki, how much green tea is there? - A butt-load.
Not to be all corporate and everything, but exactly how much is a butt-load? Eight.
[Door opens] Hey, guys.
How's it going? Are you having fun with Danny at work? Well, I sure am.
"Take Ryan to Work Week" is a blast, right, Ryan? [Grunts feebly] Did you see we have the new deepak chopra book in? [Gasps] You love him.
- You should go check it out.
- Yeah? - You bet! - Super idea! Okay.
[Whimpers wearily] - You look exhausted.
- I'm barely getting any work done.
I spend all my time trying to find stuff for Ryan to do.
If I don't keep him busy, he just sits there, sighing, like a whale caught in a fishing line.
[Sighs woefully] Excuse me? Could you tell me which of these creative visualization CDs is best? I prefer porn.
But a lot of people buy this one.
You don't want that one.
I mean, I guess it depends on what kind of energies you're trying to channel into your life.
This one's for inner peace, but this one is for channeling lots of money, but, you know, in a spiritual way.
I'll take the money one.
Well, then you should also take "The Zen of Tax-Evasion.
" - This is fantastic.
Thank you.
- Good luck on your spiritual journey.
The shop-girl will ring you up.
Right, Samantha? It's Nikki, and I'm assistant manager.
He really knows his stuff.
That is the least miserable I've seen him in weeks.
You know what? I have an idea.
Why doesn't Ryan work here? I don't think that this is a good idea, but if it will let you finally get some work done, sure.
You are a life-saver.
Thank you.
Ryan? How would you like to work here with Kim? Oh, I don't know.
I'm pretty busy hanging out with you.
Yeah, but She could really use your help.
Hmm? Maybe you could make the time? Well, I-I guess I do have a few hours to kill between napping and crying.
That's the spirit! Oh, hey.
Looks like we're working together now.
You get in my way, I'll cut you.
Oh, hey, Dale.
Big milestone today.
Look, I know you're gonna beat this eating thing, but if you don't Fridge magnet.
Big-and-tall caskets.
Oh, Jan.
Can you inspire.
But if you ex-pire Please.
Fridge magnet.
Frank? Great share today.
Hmm? For your fridge.
I, uh, I know you'll be looking at it often.
What? Hello! 'Scuse me? What's a hot chick like you doing hanging around here? It's sort of how I stay a hot chick.
- You're kind of cute yourself.
- "Kind of cute"? Come on.
I'm like a bunny snuggled up next to a kitten.
Anyways, I'm, uh, I'm Sheldon.
So how come I've never seen you here before, Sheldon? Oh, you know, I used to go to meetings uptown.
You know, I guess I knew I had a problem when I hit, like, 320.
Beat you.
I had, like, eight boobs.
That is hard to imagine.
So I guess I won't.
- So, do you want to grab a bite to eat? - Oh, I'd love to.
I know a great pizza joint right around the corner.
We could share a couple of pies, throw back a couple of frosties.
It is great that you can joke about your disease like that, but seriously, there is this great new raw vegan place I've been dying to try.
Sounds delicious.
Hey, I'm so hungry, I could eat a whole carrot.
- What's next? - Uh, what's next on the list? Well, I finished the list.
Display cases wiped.
Wobbly tables de-wobbled.
Floors, swept and mopped.
Shelves Organized by colour, category, size, alphabet, and, as you can see, aura.
Yeah, I even managed to remove all the gum from under the tables.
- All the gum? - Yeah.
- You said it couldn't be done.
- I said it couldn't be gum.
- Ryan, you're amazing.
- Oh, well, gold star for me.
Oh, Nikki.
Look! You finished all the inventory.
Hey, with actual numbers.
I did? Actually, after I finished all my work, while Nikki was taking a bit of a nap, I finished the inventory for her.
Guess that's two gold stars for me.
Yeah, and I'll tell you where you can stick 'em.
Hey, buddy.
How's my favourite second-oldest older brother doing? Great.
Honestly, I feel like a new man.
Huh? A working man! I mean, I'm standing on my own two feet, earning my keep.
Well, I'm just glad you've learned that you can be great on your own.
I know.
It's - Dr.
- Yeah.
You don't need him.
No, no.
That's Dr.
What? I thought you said he moved? Well, I guess he missed me and came back.
Nickman! Ryan? [Thud] Wait! No! Dr.
Nickman! Dr.
Nickman! [Car accelerating, tires screeching] I, uh I guess he didn't see me.
I'm gonna try his cell.
I can't believe it.
He lied to me just to get rid of me.
My own therapist ran away from me! You don't know that, Ryan.
He saw you, he turned, and he ran, that's all.
Don't go jumpin' to conclusions.
No, man.
He was right to run from me.
- I'm too needy and self-involved.
- That is ridiculous! You're exactly the right amount of needy and self-involved.
All right, I know what'll cheer you up.
We could go to that snooty hipster lounge you like.
Huh? The one with the really rude waiters? What's the use? They'll probably just be polite.
Oh, boy.
How's our patient? Still got ovaries? Thank God, you're here.
I don't know what to say to him.
Okay? This is bad, Sheldon.
I haven't seen him this bad since Alison.
All right, you know what? Let me handle this.
Fine, but you've got to go easy on him.
I will.
I will.
Hey! You.
Turn around.
I told you, therapy is a waste of time.
Okay? We just got to get you a girl.
What's the point? No one will ever love me! Awesome.
Get in and get out.
You know what? I want you to come to my next Overeaters United meeting.
Okay? It's a smorgasbord of desperate women with low self-esteem and poor impulse control.
And They're not all fat.
You know, I believe that's their slogan.
Now, un-tuck your man-parts and quit crying like you were just stood up for prom.
I was stood up for prom! Ryan is very delicate right now.
Whatever, man.
You know what? I got my own fish to fry.
I gotta fry up this fish before I go on my date tonight with Stacey.
I thought you guys were going for dinner? Yeah, we are.
Some restaurant that specializes in juice.
The Nectary? Yeah.
Well, of course, she would know.
You know, I gotta tell you, it's a good thing this Stacey girl is hot, because I am starving.
You know what her favourite bread is? Huh? Kale! Actual kale.
She wraps stuff in it like it's a sandwich.
Oh, but the sex! Holy former-cow.
You know what? I think she's substituting sex for food, the way she tears at my pants like a grizzly going after a trout in a frosty mountain stream.
That doesn't sound healthy.
Oh, hey, it's the best workout I've ever had in my life.
And the bonus is, she's really cool.
Sounds like you like her.
Well, you know, call me a romantic, but I think I could stick it to her for a while.
Oh, great, now I got fish juice all over my clothes.
Now she's gonna know that I've been eating.
- Well, just flip it inside out.
- I already wore the other side.
I usually carry a stain-remover pen around with me, but it just seemed so optimistic.
Wait a minute, you know what? I'll just tell her it's blood, that I cut myself shaving my stomach.
Well, the problem with that, Sheldon, is that you're going to actually have to shave your stomach so she won't know you're lying.
Oh, I already shaved my stomach.
And in case you're wondering, yes, I also gave myself a "bro-zilian.
" Excuse me, young man.
This is not what I ordered.
Really? Well, we don't always get what we want in life, do we? I am so sorry.
[Ryan sighing] I have an idea.
Why don't you go sweep the floors? If you want, but they're just gonna get dirty again! You gotta get rid of that guy.
He's stealing my job.
- He's not stealing your job.
- It's my job to alienate the customers! He's doing it way better than me.
How's he doing? Yeah! Life sucks, doesn't it? That's actually an improvement.
I'm sorry, but I have to fire him.
It can't be that bad.
Come back again, I'll refund your mother.
Point taken.
But please, you don't have to fire him, okay? I will take care of this.
I have a plan.
- Okay.
Do it fast.
- I promise.
And, look, I think he's getting better.
How is this stress ball supposed to work anyway? Let me show you.
[Whack-crash-thudding] Wow, that actually works.
Well, I don't see a "Dr.
Nickman" anywhere.
My detective says he's in this building.
He's using an alias.
Oh, there he is.
Nice alias.
" You know, this better not take too long.
I have a date with Stacey.
Don't you feel bad for sleeping with her under false pretenses? Well, I don't know, I'd have to have something to compare it to.
Wait a minute.
Now that you mention it, I have been feeling a little weird lately.
Maybe you're developing a conscience.
Or maybe it's just gas.
You know, after all that roughage we've been eating, I feel like I've been in mid-fart for two whole days.
- No, no, no! - No, no.
- I'm Danny and - Yeah.
I know who you are.
You're the lawyer with the domineering girlfriend and you're the casket-salesman who shaves his stomach.
- Wait a minute! He talks about us? - What doesn't he talk about? - Hey! Whoa.
Not so fast there, doc.
- Don't hit me! Please! - Why would I hit you? - Well, you hit Ryan all the time.
Is that what he told you? You know what? Remind me to hit Ryan when I see him.
Nickman, our brother is devastated.
I feel really badly about that, I do, but he wasn't supposed to find out.
But he did, and now he's a mess, and it's all your fault.
- You have to take him back.
- No! Sorry, no.
My own therapist told me this relationship was killing me.
Look, I can't help Ryan.
I have tried.
Two hours a day, six days a week.
He-he bought me a second phone! Just for the two of us.
- Wow.
Alison really messed him up.
- It's not Alison! - It's you guys! - What? He said that? No, I'm saying that.
You coddle him, and-and you bully him.
Oh, I can't see that.
Really? You gave him a wedgie for his birthday.
That was for Christmas.
Actually, Danny, you're the worst.
What? Me? Ever since Alison left, all you do is coddle him.
Your inability to tell the truth just enables his neuroses.
You're the reason he can't move on.
I tried to tell him.
I had no idea.
All I was trying to do was save him from any more pain in his life, and all I did was emotionally cripple him.
I can't even look at you right now.
Nickman, thank you.
I know what I have to do now.
- Yes.
- Right.
[Sheldon farts] Finally.
- Please tell me you fixed this.
- I'm about to.
I'm going to show him how much I love him.
- I'm going to fire him.
- Thank God.
He is the worst employee I've ever seen.
I need a drink! Oh! Good.
All right, here I go.
You guys look so-o-o happy together.
Of course, statistically speaking, one of you is already cheating.
It's you, isn't it? It's always the woman.
Ryan! This isn't gonna be easy for me to say, okay, but you have got to listen.
- And, remember, it's for your own good.
- Okay.
It's about your working here.
[Starts humming loudly] - What are you doing? - It's a technique called "self-soothing.
" Oh, that's good.
No, no.
Self-soothing is good.
But I need to be frank with you.
Okay? I know you've enjoyed your time at the tea shop, but Oh.
This job Has been really good for me.
And that-that-that's good.
I'm-I'm glad you've had such a great experience here, but the point Honestly, I don't even know if I'd still be alive today without it.
You're an amazing person! You're a gift! No.
No, no, no.
I have to say this.
The point is, not everybody can be good at everything.
Except you! If it were legal to marry your brother in any part of this country, I would seriously consider it.
What I'm trying to get at, and I think everyone here does feel the same way Just keep doin' what you're doing.
You're right! [Chair creaks] Kim, I want a raise.
Oh, for Pete's sake! You're fired! You pathetic excuse for a man! [Takes a deep breath] You are the most annoying, whiney, stuck-up, self-involved pain-in-the-ass I've ever met in my life! You sicken me.
That was the most [Shaky breath] Amazing experience of my life! I mean, no one has ever been that honest with me before! I mean, finally, someone respected me enough to tell me the truth.
Hey, I was going to tell you the truth.
What did you think? I was just gonna crumble because I got fired from a crappy job I'm not even getting paid for? You have to stop coddling me, Danny! You know, I've talked to Dr.
Nickman about this.
I know.
I'm sorry I underestimated you.
I won't do it again.
From now on, I'm gonna treat you like a grown-up.
- Now, let's get you some ice cream! - You're coddling me again! What about a snow-cone? You know I think I'm ready to move on.
I'm going to get a new therapist.
I got a lead on a guy named "Dr.
" I seriously think you should keep looking.
Oh, hey, there, sugar-substitute bear.
Sheldon We have to talk.
My sponsor doesn't want us dating anymore.
What? And, as hard as it is to find an amazing guy like you, it is, like, way harder to find a good sponsor.
Whoa! Wait a minute.
You're breaking up with me? I thought I was your frosty-mountain trout.
I'm sorry, Sheldon, but I can't date anyone in the program.
I can't believe you're saying this to me.
Look, I've been waiting to tell you, I'm not even in this stupid program.
I was just sticking around so we could date.
Huh? Isn't that great? Sheldon I have seen the way you eat.
God sent you here for a reason.
[Deflating sigh] - I take it you heard Ted died.
- "Big Ted"?