Package Deal (2013) s01e07 Episode Script

Sheldon Pretends to Be Danny

You're sure this guy can do this by Kim's birthday? Absolutely.
The owner of this place loves me.
I spent thousands on gifts for Alison here.
Thousands! - Thousands - I just hope he knows what he's doing.
Kim's had this tea set since she was a little girl.
It's the only thing of her grandmother's that survived the fire.
She was a smoker.
Relax, man.
I'm not gonna let you botch this like you've botched all your other girlfriends' birthday presents.
I don't botch my girlfriends' presents.
Do you remember the "extra-large panty" fiasco of '09? The salesgirl said those "ran small.
" Look.
Don't worry about it, buddy.
That's why I'm here.
Okay? This is a big day, Danny.
I know.
Kim's first birthday since we've been together.
What? No.
This is the first time I've been back in the store since Alison left me.
Boy, I gotta say, it feels so good to finally be over her.
Mr.
White! Where have you been hiding yourself? You haven't been here since Oh, that's right.
Nathan.
I'm fine.
Please.
Okay? It's been 487 days! But who's counting? Good for you.
So, what do we have here? Ah, well, my brother Danny would like to have this re-plated for his girlfriend.
Let me take a look here.
It's funny.
Alison was in here just the other day.
What? Really? I mean Really? So, how'd she look? At least a hundred years old.
Yeah! Ha! I told her to wear sunblock.
Would she listen to me? No.
No.
This.
It's a hundred years old.
Alison looked incredible.
Oh.
Huh.
Well.
Good for her.
You know, it's almost sad to think of her, wandering in here by herself, picking out some random trinket to fill her empty heart.
Oh, she wasn't alone.
She was with her boyfriend.
- That whore! - You know, maybe we should wrap this up? Don't be ridiculous.
I am totally okay.
So who's the, uh, new guy? - Dr.
Irvin.
- Dr.
Robert Irvin? Okay, we should probably get going.
You know what, here's my credit card.
You can just keep it.
Wait.
No.
The same Dr.
Irvin who stole Alison? Huh? The same Dr.
Irvin who shattered my dreams? The same Dr.
Irvin who ruined my life? He didn't say.
Maybe it would be best if you leave.
Dr.
Irvin's supposed to come by this afternoon and pick up a necklace.
- This afternoon? - Oh, look, Ryan! A parade.
You gotta see this.
You know what? I think I'm gonna hang here for a bit.
Yeah.
No, I would love to meet Dr.
Irvin.
Are you sure you're ready for this? I mean, you only got over Alison today.
Are you kidding me? This is Dr.
Robert Irvin, Danny! Two Ph.
D.
's, a private jet.
His own island in Florida! No, I can't wait to get a load of this loser.
Season 1, Episode 7 "Sheldon Pretends to Be Danny" - Come on! Please? Give me a hint.
- No.
You're just gonna have to wait until your birthday.
Besides, you'd never guess.
This present is that good.
Oh, my gosh.
We're going to Paris? A little less good.
Oh, my gosh.
Stockholm? - Your dream is a weekend in Stockholm? - Danny, I'm kidding.
I don't care what you get me.
Is it a puppy? No! - Ooh! Extra-large panties? - Stop talking to Ryan.
- I am so turned on.
- By my birthday? What are you waiting for? Dive in.
What's going on, Danny? Who is this? "Danny"? This is my brother.
"Sheldon.
" - What? - You know Not the highly successful criminal lawyer.
That's me.
Danny.
Who I am.
So that's Sheldon? The weirdo who sells caskets? - Now, I never said he was a weirdo.
- Who the hell are you? - I'm Danny's girlfriend.
- You have a girlfriend? No, no, no, no.
She's just my crazy stalker.
Look.
I told you.
It's over.
Now you're just embarrassing yourself.
- I'm out of here.
- Wait, Stella! I thought we were gonna play star witness.
I was just about to make you crumble under cross-examination! Goodbye, Danny.
- Bye.
- Bye.
How many times have you done this before, "Danny?" Uh, well there's Got the Once? Did you know about this? Okay, yeah, I knew he used my apartment to impress girls, but I didn't know he was using my identity.
So as long as he uses his real name, it's okay for him to have sex on the sheets I sleep on? Well, I didn't Think of that.
Why did you pretend to be me? Come on, Danny.
Casket salesman isn't exactly the panty-peeler you'd think.
Then why didn't you just get another job? I did! I'm a lawyer.
And I tapped into a whole new vein of girls Danny-girls! Now, don't get me wrong, Sheldon-girls are still wicked-wild, but every now and then, a man's got to be with a woman whose hair doesn't smell like cigarettes and desperation.
Then take them to your place.
I don't want women to know where I live! Sheldon, you can't pretend to be me.
It's creepy! - And it exploits women.
- And that, too.
You know, I used seven condoms, and I can only find two.
- Oh! - Now I need a shower.
Oh, yeah! That's where the other ones are.
Promise me you will never do this again.
You know, I paid for your law degree.
It's only fair that maybe I get to use it now and again.
It's not a time-share, Sheldon, it's my life.
Okay.
Look.
If it's wrong to assume someone's identity just to act out my sexual perversions, then sue me! But just remember I am a very competent criminal lawyer.
Then, when her next birthday rolled around, and I wasn't invited, I really started to think we might have a problem.
Seems to me that the relationship turned sour during the trip to the Bahamas.
You know, there was a distance between Alison and I on that trip.
She barely texted me from her suite all week.
You are incredibly insightful.
My talents are squandered here.
Still, that's no excuse to steal another man's wife.
I'm gonna teach the good doctor a lesson in pain.
Oh, yeah? This sharply-worded poem should really put his misdeeds in perspective.
If it were me, I would take a bat to his head.
Excuse me? There would be hair on the walls.
We have very different styles.
Nice place, Danny.
Oh, yeah.
Well, yeah.
It's a little fruity, but I like it.
You know, uh, clearing crime off the streets has been pretty good to me.
I thought you were a defense lawyer.
I defend the truth! Ooh, Danny.
That's beautiful.
Yeah, yeah, well, if you like that, you should see the fancy crap I have up in the bedroom.
Oh, uh, and could you do me one little favor, doll? Could you not call me "Danny"? It's beginning to creep me out.
Karen? Where are you? I, uh found my gavel.
Oh, crap! - Oh, crap.
- That's what I said.
Sheldon! What happened? Well, it's a funny story.
Not "ha-ha" funny, but "you've been robbed" funny.
Ha-ha? I can't believe this.
They took everything! They took my camera, my vinyl collection, my computer.
So get a smart phone.
How can something like this have happened? Well, to be fair, Danny, you did have some really nice stuff.
It's almost as if you were asking for it.
Right, and maybe if I lived in a dump, you wouldn't have been here last night.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you implying that I'm responsible for this? Let's not forget, I'm a victim here, too.
What did you lose? Well, some self-respect, for starters.
And she took my shoes.
Oh, wait.
There they are.
False alarm.
I told you not to bring girls here anymore.
I swear, it was gonna be the last one.
She was a total Danny-girl.
Funny how she turned out to be more of a Sheldon-girl in the end.
Oh, no.
No, no.
No.
No! The tea set.
- They took Kim's tea set! - So get her a new one.
- It was her grandmother's.
- So tell her to get Kim a new one.
She's dead! I can't solve death, Danny.
How can you bring a girl you know nothing about back to my place? I don't have time to get to know the girls I bring back to your place.
This tea set means everything to Kim, and tonight's her birthday.
All right.
- Where did you meet this woman? - Ah, it was at the recess.
I told her I was having a drink to celebrate a big case that I won.
Congratulations on that, by the way.
You need to go to the recess and see if anyone there knows who she is.
Dammit! I'm due in court.
Look.
Meet me there after.
We'll go to the police station and file a report.
Okay, buddy.
Don't you worry about it.
We're gonna get all your stuff back.
I'm all over it.
Oh, you mean now? Pretty much.
Okay.
Well Let Oh, I'll just bring this with.
Morning, all.
Nathan.
Black coffee.
Three sugars.
Sue, here's your sugar-free hot chocolate.
We're gonna get you into that wedding dress on Saturday, come hell or high water.
And, Pete, your apple fritter, my friend.
Aw, it's still warm.
I'm telling ya, I got a good feeling about today, everybody.
I think Dr.
Irvin is finally coming in.
Yep.
Fifth day's the charm.
This place won't be the same without you.
Come on! We'll have Sue’s wedding on Saturday.
- Dibs on the bridesmaids.
- You got it, captain.
Oh, I'll be right with you, miss.
Nathan, I got it.
Ah! The sweetheart pendant, huh? You have a good eye.
We just got that in yesterday.
- Would you like to try it on? - Yes, please.
Sue! Can you open this up, please? They haven't given me a key yet.
I don't really work here.
Danny.
Hey.
So how'd it go at the bar? Well, I talked to the bartender and he agrees, she is smoking-hot, but he still doesn't know who she is.
All right, look.
The police are gonna need a detailed description.
What did this woman look like? Well, she had a B-cup and a tramp-stamp.
That's gonna be an interesting police sketch.
Come on, Sheldon.
You've got to do better than that.
Well, I'm not Sherlock Holmes, Danny.
She looked like like that chick there.
Oh, hey, Danny.
Karen.
Well, fancy seeing you here, although not surprised, all things considered.
- They already got her.
- Oh, they didn't get me for that.
This is about something else I absolutely didn't do.
Well, you'd better give that stuff back, toots, or you're gonna be in way more trouble than you already are.
How about you defend me and I'll tell you where it is? Done.
You just got yourself a lawyer.
Now, what exactly are the charges? - Excuse me.
I'm talking to Danny.
- I am Danny.
That's Sheldon.
Wait.
You're Sheldon? You mean I banged some casket salesman? Well, now I would've said "made love.
" Forget it.
You lied.
Deal's off.
Wait.
No.
No, no.
You've got to help me.
- Look, I'm the good brother here.
- I can't do it.
Your brother lied to me, and I can't tolerate being used like that.
You were used? You had sex with him so you could rob me! - How do you think that feels? - Well, mixed, at best.
All right, look, at least give me the tea set back.
I just had it re-plated for my girlfriend's birthday.
Aw.
What a thoughtful present.
I guess the real Danny would do that.
And a real Danny-girl wouldn't have robbed my fake apartment.
We're done here.
Well, gosh, Danny, you know, I don't know what to say.
You have insurance, right? Yeah.
I got it from you last year.
Ooh! We might want to keep looking.
Great, Sheldon.
That is just great.
Oh, well, excuse me.
I'm sorry, but just remember, without me, you w Oh, yeah, yeah.
If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be a lawyer.
If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be where I am today, which is here, in a courtroom, trying to get my things back from a psychopath! Now the only thing Kim has left of her dead grandmother is gone.
And I get to tell her.
On her birthday.
Wow.
That is harsh.
Why the hell would you tell her on her birthday? They took everything! Your vinyl, your computer, your camera.
I don't know how you're staying so calm.
If I had something very dear to me stolen, I'd feel so violated.
- I don't think I'd ever get over it.
- Sure you would.
No.
I wouldn't.
- They got your grandma's tea set.
- What? I had it re-plated for your birthday.
- Surprise? - You're kidding.
I don't blame you for being mad.
No.
No, I'm not I'm not mad.
It's not your fault.
I mean, it was really sweet.
These things happen.
If it's any consolation, it looked beautiful before they took it.
It isn't.
Kim, I am so sorry I ruined your birthday.
Hey.
At least no one got hurt.
- Yeah.
- And you have insurance.
Right? It's complicated.
For the record, it was the best present I never got.
- Kim.
I need to talk to you.
- No, you don't.
- No, this really isn't a good time.
- Danny, let me do this.
I don't want you to take the fall this time.
Look, Sheldon, Kim is processing her grief over the loss of her grandmother's tea set, which she is okay with.
Really? So she's not mad about me getting the place robbed? No.
But that's probably only because she didn't know that until now.
Of course this is your fault! How did I miss it? You brought another one of your skanks back here, didn't you? Well, to be fair, I didn't think you'd ever find out.
Why didn't you tell me? I just didn't want you to hate Sheldon more than you already do.
What? You hate me? Kim, where is this coming from? You know what? You made this happen.
Now you have to get it back.
I can't.
She's already been arrested.
She won't give it up! - Where are you going? - Weren't you listening? Some bitch got my Nana's tea set! Well, it's about quittin' time.
Another day, another dollar.
- Tell the missus I said hello.
- Right-o.
Dr.
Irvin.
It's him.
I'm going on "break.
" You've got 10 minutes.
I'd like to see if I can get my deposit back.
Did Alison change her mind? Sort of.
Dr.
Robert Irvin.
We meet at last.
I'm Ryan White.
Alison's ex-husband.
She left me.
- She did? - It hurts.
I know.
There, there.
Shh.
Just let it out.
Oh, we have so much to talk about.
Somewhere else, I hope.
Look, I know you're mad at Sheldon.
So am I.
But ever since the fire, that tea set is the only thing I have left to remember my Nana by.
That, and a carton of camels.
This guy played me.
But keeping the tea set isn't going to get you even with Sheldon.
But he humiliated me.
And he feels horrible about that.
Don't you, Sheldon? Well, not horribly enough.
I think what you're saying, Karen, is Ahem if we can find a way to make Mr.
White equally humiliated, you'd be willing to return the stolen merchandise? I guess.
Great.
Now, is there anything specific that you can think of that would cause this level of discomfort to Mr.
White? How about electrocuting his testicles? We're gonna have to take that off the table.
Well He lied to you to get you out of your clothes.
Maybe he should have to take off his.
I like it.
This is a good deal.
We should take it.
Wait a minute.
You want me to strip down? Here? Yeah.
You should leave your socks on until the end.
It'll be funnier.
You can't let them do this, Danny.
I put you through law school.
Thank you for that.
Now strip.
Okay.
I'm about to break the law here.
Does anyone care? Hmm? Is anyone gonna try and stop me? Okay.
Fine.
But could someone turn off the air conditioning, please? Here we go.
You ready? Boom! Boom.
Huh? There's the thunder.
Now let's get ready for the lightning.
Kapow.
"Sheldon's big-and-tall caskets"? You put the logo of your business on your underwear? Big-and-tall.
It's a natural fit.
I'll need the underwear, too.
Aw, come on! I know it's not like being in the privacy of my bedroom.
- Oh, so you think this is funny? - Yes.
Yes, I do.
This is all your fault, stupid penis.
Aw, I can't stay mad at you! Ew.
He shaves! Totally worth it.
Thank you, Sheldon.
The fact that you would do this for Kim means a lot to me.
We'll see you tomorrow.
Wait a minute.
I thought I was getting a ride home with you guys.
Oh, no, no.
I have leather upholstery.
Sheldon.
Stop.
I knew you wouldn't make me do this! You're gonna need bus fare.
Where am I supposed to put it? Happy Birthday, you.
Whoa! That is some strong tea! Yep.
Grandma's recipe.
One tea bag steeped in a bottle of Jack Daniel's.
That might've been what led to the fire.
Ooh! Turn it up! And in more disturbing news today, the world's slowest streaker was arrested on the courthouse steps.
Sheldon White, a local casket salesman, was apprehended for indecent exposure while yelling at his penis.
Danny This is the best birthday I've ever had.
Play it again! And in more disturbing news today