Package Deal (2013) s01e12 Episode Script

Sick Puppy

- What are you doing here? - Isn't that my question? Wait a minute.
You're usually gone by now.
I'm feeling a little sick today.
I think I'm just a little under the weather.
Achoo! Yeah If the weather is a wall of phlegm and S.
A.
R.
S.
! - That's horrible! - Nah, it's probably just a cold.
No, I mean you're really gonna mess up my morning routine.
What "routine"? Well, every morning after you leave, I come here, make myself a nice cappuccino, read the morning paper, and enjoy a freshly baked bear claw.
Achoo! Not anymore.
- Why can't you just go to a Starbucks? - You kidding me? Not only do I save four bucks, but once the coffee kicks in, colon-wise, I've got a nice, clean bathroom to use.
The master bathroom? Well, come on! I'm not gonna use the guest bathroom.
That's for riff-raff.
When I'm in your master bathroom, I feel just like a king.
[Imitates a royal fanfare] [Segues into a fart] You know, maybe I should just work from home.
Come on, Danny! You're just gonna hang around here all day? You know what they say rest is the worst thing you can do for a cold.
I thought you were booking that big Sweet-16 gig.
Yeah that fell through.
I, uh, probably shouldn't have told the girl to call me in two years.
Parents are very, very touchy nowadays.
So you called "dibs.
" Big deal.
You know, Danny, I haven't booked a gig in so long, sometimes, I think it's me.
I mean, come on.
It's not like I'm the only party planner who caused a house to burn down.
You know, I have a great idea, Sheldon.
Why don't you go to Kim's tea shop, huh? There's always moms with strollers hanging out.
You might be able to score yourself some business.
Yeah.
And her bathrooms are always lemony-fresh.
Oh, I have so much work to do.
I have this major brief I have to write, Sheldon.
I cannot afford to be sick! Where are you going with my cappuccino maker? Somewhere that's within [] Season 1, Episode 11 "It's My Party" I'll be okay.
Besides, you have a business to run.
Yeah, but you look terrible.
No, I'm fine.
I'm really not that si Achoo! - Ew.
- Ugh.
Hold on.
Nikki, that stinks! What is it? Pepperoni stick.
Want some? Ew! I told you, I don't want meat in my store.
You know, it's that kind of harping that makes people tune you out.
Danny? No, I'm up! I'm good.
Heh-heh.
I'm good.
Hey, are you sure I shouldn't come over? Yeah.
Yeah, no, I'm sure.
I'd rather be alone anyway.
I have a brief I really have to work on.
Well, call me if you need anything.
- Drink lots of fluids.
- Okay.
But I'll be [Danny huffs] I'll be - ugh! - Achoo! Ew [Thud] [Blowing] Ugh Don't worry, Danny, the first responder's here! I'm fine.
Yeah, of course you'd say that.
You're insane with fever! Just let me get prepped, buddy.
You can never be too careful, I say.
Do you remember the great flu epidemic of '02? Huh? Do you? You and Sheldon puking your brains out.
- Me? Not even a sniffle.
- It's just a little cold.
Yeah, well, that's what they all say, isn't it? Then it's a sinus infection, bronchitis, pneumonia, and, finally, a painful, wracking cough, that'll have you begging for death.
Well Not on my watch, Mister! Let's see how the patient's doing.
Look, Ryan, this is all very nice of you, but I don't need to be taken care of I won't hear of it, Danny! Who took care of you when you had your appendix out? Who was there for you when you fell off the roof and broke both your legs? Who nursed you back to health after that operation to fix the late-descending testicle, and kept Sheldon from cracking jokes about it? [Snapping gloves] - You did, Ryan.
- You're damn right I did! All right, buddy, I've got bad news and worse news.
- What is it? - The bad news is, you're burning up.
The worse news is, this is a rectal thermometer.
Ryan! I'm totally joking.
I always get you with that one, and you always fall for it, because you're too feverish to remember it the next time.
Bedside humor aside, you're running a really high fever.
This is definitely the flu.
It's time to break out the heavy artillery.
All right, we have got you hooked up.
Humidifier, huh? Fever-reducer, decongestant, expectorant, hot packs, cold packs, the makings of my world-famous chicken noodle soup.
All your favorite movies including Jaws 1, 2, 3, 5 Let's be honest, four was crap.
Ryan, I don't want to be babied! [Gasps] Oh! Mr.
Blanky! Assume the position, my friend.
There you go, buddy.
Did you bring ginger-ale? Right here.
[Crack] And a bendy straw? Who do you think you're talking to? - Sheldon, what are you doing here? - I'm, uh, I'm looking for a plug.
You know, you'd really piss Kim off if she knew you brought a coffee maker in here.
Oh, I never thought of that.
I'll leave her a note! Well, luckily, she's taking care of Danny.
He's sick.
Oh, yeah.
I know, huh? I got out of there as soon as I found out.
I hate sick people.
They're so needy.
- And vulnerable.
- Oh, and helpless.
It makes me sick.
You know, I haven't even had my first cup of coffee yet today.
- Feeling a little backed up? - Like there's mud behind my eyes.
I need to drum up some business.
See that hot baby-mama over there? I'm gonna see if I can get her to pony up for a couple of ponies And maybe a pinata.
They have a huge mark-up.
Adorable.
Listen, have you thought about your little Tyke's first birthday party? - Sheldon White, party planner.
- He's only three months old.
What? And you haven't thought about his first birthday party yet? Wow.
I don't want to say you don't love your child, but that could scar him for life.
- Sorry, but you seem kind of desperate.
- Yeah? Well, your kid's ugly.
Damn it, I knew it was me.
I lost my sales mojo.
How much for a cappuccino? - 6.
50.
- I'll take it! Huh, looks like I just put the "jo" back in my "mo.
" I once had a threesome with a Joe and a Moe.
You ho.
[] Would y-y-you stop that! Fine.
Danny! I'm here! Oh, Ryan.
You're here, too? Kim.
Hey, honey.
You'd think you'd call your girlfriend to come take care of you instead of your brother.
Yeah, I wonder what we can learn from that.
- I didn't call him.
- He didn't have to.
I have a sixth sense about these things.
- Sheldon called you! - I was already on my way here.
You're always on your way here.
Come on, Danny.
Let's get you up to bed.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! He can't start servicing you right now, Kim.
He's weak! Guys, would you please I just need a little peace and quiet.
You're right, Danny.
Do you think maybe it would be best if I don't know One of us left? Yeah, there's no need for both of us to stay.
All right.
So, who's it gonna be, Danny? I mean, really, who loves you more? Maybe you could both stay? Sure.
I mean, there's no need to get territorial.
You're right.
Of course.
Getting Danny better is really the goal.
[Starts gasping to sneeze] - Mine's recycled! - Mine's got lotion! Achoo! Yeah! I win! Mornin'! You look like crap.
You sick? I'm a little out of it.
Don't worry.
I hooked up with the judge last night.
You're as good as free.
All rise! [Gavel whumps] That's not the judge I banged last night.
[Awkward chuckle] Oh, well.
L-l-let's get ready To ju-u-u-u-u-udge! [Imitates echo]: Where's where-where-where's the the-the-the prosecution cution-cution? Your honor, I am here, and I apologize for my tardiness, good sirs and sir-ettes.
The line at the donut shop [Case thunks] Was perilously long.
[Whump] Unacceptable! Ooh! A bear claw! Proceed, Ryan.
Your Honor, once you see the facts of the case I believe you will agree that there is but one place for a man like Danny White.
We request he be exiled - To Whoville.
- What? Why? - "Who.
" - "It's true.
" But what did I do? What is the crime? Where is my pillow? The crime, good sir Is dating her! Who are you? It's me Kim.
[Whump] Guilty! Let's have donuts.
- Do something! - Right, of course.
Judge? What are you doing after court? Banging! [Whump] Oh! Oh, good, you're awake.
Hey, babe! How are you feeling? Do you want some soup? Yeah, good old-fashioned chicken noodle? But seaweed broth improves the immune system.
And it doesn't contain murdered animals.
I'm not really hungry.
Whoa, you're looking a little clammy, buddy.
- You're burning up.
I'd say 102.
- Let me see.
You've gotta be kidding me.
It's more accurate.
And affectionate.
That's 102.
5.
I want to bring this down with some ibuprofen.
Oh! No way.
A fever is the body's way of fighting the infection.
He needs to sweat it out.
This is belladonna.
It's homeopathic.
Oh, please.
Those tiny pills? I don't believe in anything you can't O.
D.
on.
Guys, please stop arguing.
You're giving me a headache.
Oh! Oh, here.
Drink this tea.
It's made from slippery elm and several Chinese herbs.
Yeah, I tried it.
It's like swallowing a wino's phlegm.
Try this, buddy.
It's my own little concoction.
There's a lot of ingredients, but it's mostly codeine.
Codeine? You know that's addictive, right? Yeah.
Because it works.
Please! Just leave me alone so I can sleep.
Sorry, buddy.
You're right.
- You just have a nice nap.
- Yeah, have a nice Nap.
[Whispers]: Sit up! Take a little sip good.
Good boy, Danny.
Yeah.
Good job.
A little more.
Good job.
[Danny sighs wearily] [Ryan kicks sofa] Oh, you're awake! Just let it happen.
Shh! Get it down.
One extra foam, a couple of donuts, and that will be $12 even, sir.
Thank you.
I gotta admit, Sheldon, this is brilliant.
Can you imagine if Kim walked in here right now? She'd freak! Don't worry, I can take her.
Seriously.
I can kick her scrawny ass.
Oh, I'd pay to see that.
In fact, I think a lot of people would.
- Make a note, Nikki.
"Girlfights.
" - Got it.
Oh, yes! The pizza's here.
Pizza here! I got pepperoni, sausage, and for you vegetarian-lovers nothing, go to hell! How long is he going to sleep? Seriously.
I mean, he needs his rest, but come on! Damn! False alarm.
So what do you have here, anyway? Ampicillin.
Oxycodone? Don't you need a prescription for these? Of course you do, Kim! They're powerful narcotics.
- A flu shot? - Don't be ridiculous.
It's adrenaline.
In case I overdo it with the narcotics.
Tilty timbers! I love this game.
Excuse me.
That's for Danny.
We always play it when he's sick.
I'll play you.
Betcha I'll kick your ass, too.
Okay.
Winner gets to give Danny a sponge bath.
- You give your brother sponge baths? - That's what brothers do.
[] So, when did you begin the slippery slope from drug-user to drug dealer? [Cape flaps] What? I don't do drugs.
Then how might you explain that? [Gasps] I wondered where that went.
[Door thuds] Did I miss anything? Aw, screw it, I've heard enough.
I sentence you to be tortured By sponge bath! [Whump] I've never even heard of that! [Chuckles] Oh, ho-ho.
On second thought, that doesn't look so bad.
[Water dripping] Ah! Cowardly move.
She places the piece and the crowd is unimpressed.
Perhaps sensing that she is on her way home soon.
Ryan's turn now Pshh the crowd goes wild.
[Imitates cheering]: Ahh-h-h-hh He steps up to the block Nerves of steel [whack-clatter] - Well you lose.
- You cheated! You totally kicked it! [Announcer-like]: And Ryan's being a sore loser.
Kim wins the game! And Danny.
Whatever! I'm the one that can take care of Danny the best.
I'm the one with the maternal instincts.
I am the one who can actually be a mother! Oh wow! How long have you been waiting to throw that in my face? [Kim]: Who left the door open? Oh oh, great, he's gone! Some mother you are! Let me know if you hear from him.
- Thanks.
- I can't find him anywhere.
I even talked to Dave, the guy that lives down by the dumpster.
[Aerosol hissing] Yech.
I called the police.
No one's picked him up.
I can't believe he just got up and walked out.
I can.
He probably couldn't stand the idea of having another glass of coconut water.
It's a good source of electrolytes! Yeah, maybe you should just give Danny another round of antibiotics.
He could have a bacterial infection! - You're not a doctor.
- You take that back.
At least I use scientifically-proven methods.
- [Scoffs] And I don't? - Ho! You're right.
No, I must've missed the Harvard study about rubbing ginger on your feet to bring down a fever.
It works! - And your liver would thank you.
- Well, my liver doesn't talk.
It listens! [Fuming grunt] [] You want the juiciest part, huh? Like it's still alive? - Danny! What are you doing here? - I don't know.
- Ooh! Shawarma! - Wait a minute.
Shouldn't you be at home, in bed, huh? Why are you here at the loose leaf? Loose leaf What a stupid name.
I'm gonna tell my girlfriend.
She owns a place just like this.
- I'm worried about Danny.
- Why? - He's wearing a bathrobe.
- Hey, you're right.
I think he's high as a kite.
[Sniffing] Codeine.
I bet he's having fun.
- You'd better get him home! - Yeah, he looks really out of it.
- Here.
Take my car.
- Oh! I love catch! Just as well.
He probably shouldn't be driving.
I had it all under control, until you swept in with your herbal blend of nagging.
Wha Oh, you're blaming me? I wasn't the one who gave him Tylenol and Motrin at the same time.
Well, if you'd ever read the New Brunswick Journal of Medicine, you would know they don't compete with each other, and in fact, provide longer-lasting, more complete relief.
It's like talking to a magic-brownie-eating hippie.
Oh, you're so neurotic.
[Huffs indignantly] I am not neurotic.
[Sighs] - Not neurotic, huh? - No.
Okay.
Never do that again.
Kim you're really pushing it.
Have you lost your mind? Okay, do you know what you're doing? You could start a super-virus! Well, I'm not the one who wouldn't let Danny's own immune system heal itself! How insane is that? Agh! [Whining pitifully] [Gasps in horror] Get that dead carcass away from me! [Mocks a chicken clucking] Bok-bok-bok-bok bok-bok-bokka! Everything was great, until you came along! Oh, please.
It wasn't great.
He was sick as a dog! Exactly! Look.
Taking care of Danny is what I do.
I look forward to the times he gets sick.
It's our special time.
Look, hey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to step on your toes.
I just didn't realize how important it was to you.
Hey.
Wait a minute.
[Gasps] You gave him that codeine-Satan juice when I wasn't looking! Yeah? So? Wait a second.
You You you gave him that slippery elm nonsense when I wasn't looking.
Uh-oh.
Well, no wonder he wandered off! He as high as dumpster Dave! [Cell rings] This is Ryan White speaking.
He is? Ohh! Thank you.
I know where Danny is.
Bye! One false move, and your client gets life without parole.
Don't worry, Danny, not gonna happen.
- I have a steady hand.
- But you're shaking! [Ryan]: You can never be too careful.
[Multiple Ryans]: You can never be too careful.
You can never be too careful.
[Disinfectant squishing] [Gasps] Elderberry tea.
For your cough.
Why are you dressed as a sexy schoolgirl? Because this is your dream.
And I've been a bad, bad girl! Stop making me say stuff like that! Okay.
[Thump] I've heard enough! I've made my ruling.
I sentence Kim to death! Seems fair.
I'm not even on trial! [Overlapping voices]: We're all on trial! Kim, I'll work on your appeal.
I just want to nap first.
[Table creaking] [Exhales wearily] - Oh, Danny! - Finally.
Hey! What happened? Where am I? You're in the courtroom.
You wandered out of the loft.
The bailiff found you, checked your wallet, and called your emergency contact number.
Which is me.
Geez, I can't remember a thing.
What did you guys give me? - Nothing.
- That's not important.
Come on, let's get you home.
Maybe we should go for a walk.
Some fresh air will do him good.
No, it won't! He needs his rest.
Here, Danny, let me give you a ride.
Come on, hop up.
Are you serious? It's what brothers do.
[] [] - What's this? - My emergency contact card.
I would like you to be my "in case of emergency.
" - [Ryan and danny]: Aww! - You're such a good caregiver.
Aw, thanks, Kim.
That's so sweet.
You'll be on my B-list, but I'll be there for you.
Hi! - Slice of pizza to go.
- What? No, we don't serve pizza here.
Okay, just a coffee and a shawarma plate? Oh-kay, nutty, let's get you right back to the home, shall we? Yeah, there you go.
Right out this way.
Have a nice journey in life.
Freak! []