Package Deal (2013) s01e13 Episode Script

Kangaroo Court

Did miss Babcock poison her husband? Look, my client is innocent.
Regina Mae Babcock loved her husband.
- But he was 95 years old.
- Exactly.
Why else would a beautiful young woman marry a rich old man, if she wasn't in love? Mr.
White, isn't it true you're trying to get the crime scene investigation thrown out? - Will Ms.
Babcock be taking the stand? - Mr.
White! Mr.
White? Will you be coming over for dinner? Ryan, can't you see that I am busy right now? Well, you refuse to return my phone calls.
What do you want for dinner, seriously crab cakes, or the salmon puffs I made for Christmas? Answer the question! What do you want for dinner? Season 1, Episode 12 "Kangaroo Court" Hey G! Don't do that! Nervous, huh? Only the whole world is watching, Sheldon.
Which is exactly why I made you a "Sheldon's party planning" baseball cap.
I am not wearing that.
Look, the media's already turning this into a circus.
Yeah, you're right.
Murder trial.
A woman's life is hanging in the balance.
Oh! There's Dr.
Liebes.
He's one of the world's leading poisoning experts.
He's the only thing that stands between my client and life in prison.
Uh, Dr.
Liebes! Thank you so much for coming.
- How was the flight? - I'm dehydrated.
Oh, can I grab you a glass of water? From the pitcher that everybody has access to? Do I look like a moron? Well, you're probably about sun poisoning, too Especially with that hairline.
Here, have a hat.
Uh, Daniel, I believe you know my lovely wife, Megan.
Hi, Danny.
Megan? I don't think I've seen you since Ryan and Alison's ill-fated wedding? Wow! Sheldon? You remember Megan? - She was one of Alison's bridesmaids.
- I apologize.
I'm pretty sure I did all the bridesmaids at Ryan's wedding, and I don't remember you.
Danny, could you do something about this, please? I definitely requested reserved seating for this trial, now they're telling me it's festival seating? I mean, sweet Mary, Mother of Megan.
Hello, Ryan.
It's been a while.
Kim, this is Megan.
She's Ryan's ex-wife's best friend.
Uh, Dr.
Liebes and I have to go discuss his testimony, so, uh If you'll excuse us.
You know, Ryan, I don't think I've seen you since You testified against me in my own divorce proceedings? I'll just let you two catch up, then.
So, how's Alison doing? Not that I'm deeply invested, I'm just making small talk.
Well, she's with a new guy now.
A pilot.
It's nice to see her with somebody so successful for a change.
A pilot? Well, that sounds Nice, I suppose, though they do have an increased mortality rate.
Well, he's not really a pilot.
He owns a small airline.
I've never seen her so happy.
And what about you? Who's new in your life? Well, I did just recently have a sexual relationship with my therapist, which didn't work out.
So alone again? Well, I'm sure Alison won't be surprised to hear that.
She will be surprised to learn that Ryan has a smoking-hot new girlfriend.
Go ahead, Ryan, tell her.
That's okay.
Let me handle it.
She's hot, she's tall, she's leggy, with the flexibility of a Korean gymnast, and as eager to please as a labrador.
- Sheldon, please - Oh, no, he's so modest.
In fact, sometimes, he can't believe how smokin' she is.
And the sex! Oh, ho, ho Ho-ho, ho-ho! Sometimes, we actually have to unhook her ankles from behind her ears.
She sounds too good to be true.
- I hope I get to meet her.
- Yeah.
Me too.
- Oh, you already have.
It's Kim.
- What? Really? Wow.
You are very pretty.
Getting older's going to be hard for you.
Excuse me? Oh, now, come.
I think she has a few good years.
In fact, I'm surprised you don't recognize her from her Maxim cover.
Go ahead, Kim squeeze those bad boys together, maybe it'll jog her memory.
I think the trial's about to start.
Kim? Good luck.
Well, I don't know why everyone's so bent out of shape.
It's just one little lie.
We're not all natural-born liars like you, man.
I think I wet myself back there.
- Ew.
- Just a bit.
And ankles behind the ears? Do you have any idea how insulting that is? Well, I thought it was a compliment.
Besides, I just couldn't sit by, and watch my brother take it in the nutsack.
Thank you, Sheldon.
I believe that's the first time you've acknowledged I have balls.
And now Megan will report back to Alison that Ryan's been banging a broad from Maxim.
- Hmm? Everybody's happy.
- Except the broad from Maxim.
Okay, I want all the dirt.
Did the maid take the stand? Is she lying about where she found the body? And what about the gardener? Is it true he's a cross-dresser? The world deserves to know! Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.
Nancy cornered me for an interview.
You know, Nancy Grace? CNN? I call her "Nancy" now.
Wow.
You must have the inside track on everything.
Is it true that Regina was sleeping with the poolboy? Can't say a word.
The judge put a gag order on the proceedings today.
Someone has been selling inside information to TMZ.
Do they have any idea who? I mean, that's terrible.
Some people have no respect for privacy.
Ryan, how are you doing? Look, I know this is probably the last thing you need right now, but I had no idea Victor was married to Megan.
I'm surprised anyone is married to Megan.
Well, yeah, considering she never puts out.
Oh, by the way, Victor is incredibly skittish about eating out, so I invited him and Megan over for dinner tomorrow night.
Small problem with that.
Turns out I'm not your girlfriend anymore.
- What? - Sheldon told Megan I'm dating Kim.
Megan's been grinding Ryan about how well Alison's been doing.
I just couldn't leave him standing there like a ball-less wonder.
So you just gave away my girlfriend? Yeah.
And made me a total slut.
Well, that part's kinda nice.
But still, you know, that's no excuse.
What am I gonna do? It's easy.
You just lie.
You tell him your girlfriend died.
Stop trying to kill Kim.
Look, I can't cancel.
Victor's incredibly paranoid.
Devoting his life to studying how people poison each other has given him some major trust issues.
What are you doing? Wait! This isn't my purse.
Well, hello again! I'm surprised.
- You guys are eating here? - Oh, I'm not.
I don't like the way the busboy looked at me, but she's a risk-taker.
We're really looking forward to coming over for dinner.
In fact, it would be great if Ryan and Kim could join us.
I'd just love to hear what could have possibly brought you two together.
You know, I'm not sure that's such a great idea.
Is there some reason you don't want witnesses there? No.
Uh, the more, the merrier.
Oh, honey, looks like our table's ready.
I'm starving.
Fine.
No French-kissing for 12 hours.
What a mess! What am I gonna do? If Dr.
Liebes finds out that we're all lying to him, he'll never testify.
Okay, before everybody freaks out, okay, this is totally doable.
I could convince these guys that Kim and Ryan are a happy, happy couple.
How? I just peed myself again! Oh, just a drop.
Wait a minute.
If we do this Who's gonna be my girlfriend? Fine.
But you're wearing a condom.
Now, if we're gonna pull this dinner off, we need to be prepared.
These are your dossiers.
Know your backstories like your life depended on it.
- Kim, when's your birthday? - April 25th.
No! May 16th.
You're already dead.
What? Why can't I use my real birthday? Mm, mm, no.
Too confusing.
Look, I know what I'm doing.
None of you have told the lies that I have told.
None of you have pretended to have seen the things that I have pretended to see.
Hey! I saved Kim's life? Yes.
In a swimsuit shoot in Southeast Asia.
- I modeled in Japan? - Yeah.
You have quite the following.
There are several websites dedicated to you.
You can check it, I have built them.
I was gay until I met Nikki? That's not the first time I turned a guy.
Wait.
It was the other way around.
Honestly, Sheldon, this is ridiculous.
Why don't you just tell Victor the truth? Because he won't trust me, therefore, he won't testify, and my client will go to jail.
And then Megan will talk to Alison and they'll somehow twist it to make me look like a loser.
Look.
I've never left anyone behind, and I'm not about to start now.
That's why I'm here.
I'm gonna help you, I'm gonna be with you all the way.
That's what I do.
Here you go, doctor.
You didn't expect me to drink that, did you? I just opened it.
That's what the poor tourists in Costa Rica thought, until their wine turned out to be spiked with arsenic.
- I can assure you, it's perfectly safe.
- We'll see! My little pill will tell.
Down the hatch! I gotta say, Kim, I'm surprised by your relationship.
I thought Ryan would go for more of a brainy type.
No.
No, I I like 'em dumb now.
Yeah, dumb and flexible, that's me.
And I need a drink.
Oh, Kim! Are you sure you don't want a sake? Remember? It's your favorite drink, from when you modeled? - Right, in China.
- Japan.
Right, Japan.
I'm so dumb, I get them confused.
Remember? That's where you met Ryan.
There were a couple of yakuza gentlemen who were getting fresh with you? Right! Right.
You swept in, like Superman! But dressed like Clark Kent.
He shoved a chopstick right up their noses, drilled it right into his brain cavity.
He was dead before he hit the floor.
Well, that's not the Ryan I remember.
Once, he and Alison were mugged, and he pushed her and ran.
Well, I didn't have any chopsticks.
Speaking of Alison, um, does she ever mention me or Not that he's interested.
Ryan, sidebar.
What do you think you're doing? You're not in love with Alison, you're in love with Kim.
I don't know who I'm in love with anymore.
Oh, you're gonna be in love with who I tell you you're in love with.
Okay, you're right.
This isn't just about me, it's about helping Danny.
Okay.
God, I love you! Oh Danny! No, no, it's okay, you're gonna be all right.
Early Parkinson's.
- I just gave you Parkinson's.
- What? - Look, what are you doing? - He's kissing my girlfriend! No.
He's kissing his girlfriend for you! You should be kissing his ass for kissing your girlfriend.
You're right.
I have been so selfish.
Come here, babe! Okay, that's enough, that's enough.
That's enough? I'm your girlfriend! Why are you always pushing me away? Uh, because I've been so busy with work and the case.
- And Marcel? - What? Who's Marcel? Geez, does nobody read the stuff I prepared? Don't play innocent! I checked your phone.
You played squash with him twice last week.
Maybe that's why you never make love to me.
So much for praying the gay away! What are you doing? Keeping it real.
Having a couples' fight.
Well, stop it! The whole point of this was to make Victor think he can trust me, and now he just thinks I'm dating a crazy woman.
Of course I'm crazy! I just realized I'm a beard! What are you doing here? Just waiting for the bathroom.
You and Ryan.
Who would've thought? You know, Alison used to tell me some crazy stories.
Does he still sometimes shave his legs? Yeah, and And, sometimes, we like to shave 'em together.
And is it true what Alison said about Ryan's size? His what? You know I've always found it to be - Average.
- That's average to you? How do you even have sex with something like that? Well, when you when you love someone Whether it's too big? Small? You find a way to just make it work.
So he finds a way to satisfy you? Oh, Lord, yes! Uh, he's a tiger in the sack.
And the post-sex crying, that doesn't bother you? I think it's really sweet.
You're a lucky man, Danny.
That Nikki's a real firecracker.
I love a woman who runs hot.
If I were you I'd forget Marcel.
Well, we're Working it out.
It's complicated.
Sheldon I think they're buying it.
How do you all these lies straight under all this pressure? Oh, this is nothing.
There was a time, back in '98, when I got caught with my pants down with another man's wife.
There I was, staring down the barrel of a shotgun.
By the time I left, he thought I'd saved his life in the Navy.
Still get Christmas cards from him.
They should give awards for this stuff.
You know, when I was a kid, he actually had me convinced he was James Bond.
Poor chap didn't figure it out till he was 17.
Kim's nice.
You've really grown.
I'm happy for you.
Oh, I'm happy for you, too.
You know, that Victor's so tall, and Totally not crazy.
And it's great to see that you have finally gotten over Alison.
Pfft.
Well, you know me.
Divorced deceased - Same thing.
- Well, good for you.
'Cause, you know, I thought you were gonna come all unhinged when you heard she was getting married.
Married? Alison? Wow.
Well, that's incredible news! I mean, I can't believe it.
Or move.
Or breathe.
You okay? No, I'm terrific! I'm terrific.
In fact, let's share this wonderful news with the world! Hey, guys! My testicle-crushing ex-wife is getting married! Oh! What a coincidence! Both of you are getting married! Both who? Well, who do you think? Ryan and Kim.
He proposed to her last week.
Where's the engagement ring? Must've lost it while my ankles were behind my ears.
Really? And how did you propose? I don't know.
I said some words, dropped some poetry.
Who cares? Ugh.
He gets so emotional, huh? Let me tell it.
It's very romantic.
It was "Ladies' lane free" at the bowling alley He got down on one knee, in front of the whole bowling alley, and he said, "I've got a spare" "Place in my heart.
" I can't believe it! Your brother's getting married before us And I'm pregnant! I'm gonna go lie down.
Heh.
Pregnant? Nice touch.
Now, don't go off-book again.
How you doing, honey? Congratulations on your engagement.
Ryan is a lucky man.
I used to be a lucky man.
Come on It's almost over.
And as soon as Victor's convinced the chocolate cake isn't laced with rat poison, he'll have dessert and go home.
I guess you're right.
By the way, is there something you want to tell me about Ryan's penis? Oh, you heard? Yeah, it's true.
I appreciate everything you're doing to help me save this case.
Holy Victor? Excuse me.
I-I-I-I just came to use the bathroom.
I-I-I-I was just congratulating Kim on her engagement Perfectly harmless.
I'm gay, you know.
So, Alison's wedding is on July 21st.
How about you guys? Have you set a date? July 20th.
I guess we win.
Great.
By then, my little Tyke will be running around without a dad.
- I need some vodka.
- Uh, Nikki? I don't think it's a good idea for you to drink in your condition.
Why not? I took a cab here.
I am sorry, but I cannot be party to this charade any longer.
Nikki, you're too good a woman not to know this, but while I was upstairs, I saw Danny kissing Kim.
What? So you do like women? - How could you, with a baby on the way? - Yeah! You bitch.
Well, the way you treated Danny, you drove him to me! It's always the people you trust the most.
Ryan, stay calm.
Whatever you do, don't get upset.
Get upset.
Wha-a-a-at? That's terrible! And And I'm very mad! Let's all calm down! Let's go, Megan.
We're gonna catch the morning flight.
No! Dr.
Liebes, you can't leave! You're testifying in the morning.
The only way I would testify tomorrow morning is if Nikki was on trial for murdering you.
- Let's go.
- Stop! Wait.
Look, the truth is, I'm not with Kim.
I find her really, really obnoxious.
We were just pretending to be together, to impress Megan, so she would tell Alison that I'm doing really well.
Look, Danny had nothing to do with this, so don't punish him.
Ryan It's nice that you're covering for your brother But you suck as a liar.
Let's go.
And Cut! - That was incredible.
- What are you talking about? Well, the show! You're on a reality show for a major network.
Look! We're all mic'ed.
Wave to the camera, people.
Eddy, Bill Ping-Lau.
- This was a reality show? - Yeah.
I love reality shows.
Is it like "Real Housewives"? That's my favorite.
See? I knew Kim would never go for a guy like Ryan! See, now, this this all makes sense! Of course, huh? Now, I will need you to sign a release form before we go to air, but, uh Yeah, we can work that all out tomorrow at the courthouse, yeah.
I told you! I'll never leave a man behind.
Mr.
White! How do you feel now that you've won the case? Vindicated.
I've always maintained my client's innocent, and now she's free to marry her new fiance, sir Edmund Dickenson.
Do you feel that Dr.
Liebes' testimony was crucial to the verdict? Of course.
Couldn't have done it without him.
Is it true Dr.
Liebes is starring in a reality show? Yes.
There's a website for it.
You can check.
Is it true you left your pregnant girlfriend for your lover, Marcel? No comment.
Mr.
White! Just one more quick question!