Package Deal (2013) s02e02 Episode Script

Sloppy Seconds

[] Hey, baby.
Wow! I have about 20 minutes to kill.
Do you have any ideas? I can help you kill five.
Hey, guys.
[Yelps]: Sheldon! Am I interrupting? No, not at all.
We were just making out thinking, - "too bad Sheldon's not here.
" - Uh weird, but understandable.
What is it, Sheldon? A quick question Can I have the rest of the ice cream? What? Yeah, go ahead.
Are you sure? 'Cause there's hardly any left, and I am trying to be a considerate house guest.
Try knocking.
Good note for next time.
I'm gonna eat it.
Last chance.
Just go! Rude.
Where were we? [Chuckles] Seriously? You expect me to go right back to foreplay after that? You're right.
Let's skip the foreplay.
Honey, how long is he staying here? Just a few more days.
Come on, let's forget about him.
[Both chuckling] [Knocking] [Danny gasps] Danny, where do you keep the extra blankets? Sheldon, come on! What? The ice cream made me cold.
It's in the downstairs closet.
Roger that.
And And what about the extra pillows? That couch is killing my back.
Perhaps you'd like to sleep in here.
That's disgusting, Kim.
I'm not gonna sleep with you and my brother.
I meant alone.
Okay? You can have the bed.
Yeah, that sounds great.
I was being sarcastic! - You were? - I did not get that.
You do not do sarcasm well, Kim.
[Frustrated groan] Well, thank you.
I really appreciate your feedback.
Hey, you think I like staying here? It's not my fault they're pulling asbestos out of my apartment.
Just how old is your apartment? Well, now, that's the funny thing.
See, I actually had the asbestos brought in.
It's a long story.
And here it is.
That's it.
I'm out of here.
[Door bangs shut] So, where do we stand on that whole, uh, me-taking-the-bed thing? [] I'm sorry, I just I can't stand another second of Sheldon staying here.
- Hey! - Ugh.
I don't like living with you either, but you don't hear me complaining, okay? I do the respectable thing and complain behind your back.
I can't just kick him out.
He's my brother.
You have two of them.
Give him to the other one.
Oh, no, no, Ryan won't let me stay with him after I used his razor to trim the boys.
Didn't I just lend you my razor? No.
That was Kim's.
I'll be at my place.
Oh, finally.
I can undo my pants.
Wait! I'll go with you.
What? No.
[Nervous chuckle] I have a great idea.
Let's get a nice hotel room.
A hotel on a Tuesday? Why don't we just flush our money down the toilet? That reminds me.
I broke the toilet.
Oh, come on.
It'll be fun.
Why don't you want to go to your place? Are you, uh, stashing your other boyfriend there? What? No! You realize I was being sarcastic, right? See? That's how it's done.
Let's go.
Sheldon, the condo is yours.
Make yourself at home.
Heh-heh, oh Trust me.
I will.
I'm gonna nuke myself some nachos, maybe trim the old tiger-claws.
Weren't you supposed to meet Ryan at the Recess for a drink tonight? Oh, yeah, I was, but I canceled that.
Well, actually, I didn't cancel it, I just didn't show up.
What, so Ryan's just waiting there? That's right.
[] Hey, man.
You wanna move that sweater? Oh, I'm actually saving the seat for my brother.
And, uh, technically, it's a cardigan.
I know it's a cardigan.
You telling me I have no fashion-sense? No! I love that shirt.
Is it an iron-on, or? You know what? Take the seat.
You know what? Now I need two seats.
But you're alone.
I need a seat for my new sweater.
Still a cardigan.
[Chuckles] Is this guy giving you trouble? Nikki! No, no.
We were just discussing recent trends in men's knitwear.
You and that ridiculous sweater can just get the hell out of here.
Well, that's my sweater.
Listen, red.
You don't scare me.
[Glass shatters] And that was my beer.
How 'bout now? Okay.
I was leaving.
Next time.
Wow! That was so emasculating.
I know.
I'm kinda turned on, too.
Wait here a minute while I pick up a few things.
Oh, my God! You've been robbed! Oh, my God, you haven't been robbed! See? This is why I didn't want you to come over.
Usually, I take a few minutes to tidy up.
Is that the Chinese food we had two weeks ago? Now you're being judgmental.
That was observational.
Judgemental would be "e-e-e-ew! That's the Chinese food we had two weeks ago!" Well, you never would've seen it if you had sprung for a hotel room on a Tuesday.
- Ugh! - Don't touch anything! I have a system.
Oh! Did you get a new bra? And bigger boobs? If you must know it's an old bra.
Oh, what? Did you have a breast reduction? Oh, my God, you had a breast reduction! They were these huge double-D's.
Double-D's? Yeah, that sounds awful.
Why didn't you tell me? Oh, I don't know.
Thought maybe you'd be distracted by that information.
Sorry! Okay? There's just a lot to take in.
I mean, significantly less than there used to be, but still! Alright, so there's one or two things you don't know about me.
I used to be a slob with big breasts and now I'm just a slob.
I'm not perfect.
Kim, nobody's perfect.
But you're perfect for me.
You're imagining what they used to be like, aren't you? No! Just a minute more.
You know what's funny, Nikki? Clowns crowding into a taxi cab, but then the taxi cab gets into an accident and the clowns all die? [Laughing] No.
That if Sheldon hadn't stood me up tonight, we wouldn't have spent the last few hours talking.
I know.
But just so you know, you're so not my type of guy.
You're not even my type of woman.
[Laughing] Ahh.
Don't worry.
There isn't enough booze in this bar to make you my type.
[Both thump glasses down] [Both exhaling] [Gasps] Wow! I can't believe you sprung for a hotel room on a Tuesday! [Music: Upbeat] [] Have you seen my other shoe? I'm surprised you could find your foot.
Ah! See? Ha-ha.
Told you I have a system.
[Knocking at door] Oh! What do you want? You, Kim.
Don't pretend you don't feel it, too.
Hey, Danny.
Whoa, whoa-whoa! Looks like you guys had quite the night last night.
No! She lives this way.
She has a system.
What is it, Sheldon? Oh, yeah.
Uh Listen, me and the guys couldn't figure out how to turn on your stereo speakers in your bedroom.
Oh, it's, uh It's this.
And what "guys"? Just some guys.
So if I press this, what does that do? Nothing.
We're six miles from the condo.
[Knocking at door] Of course.
Sheldon told me we were hanging out here now.
Whoa! This place is disgusting.
Danny I'll see you tonight.
Please don't touch anything.
Please don't make us.
You can date a woman who lives like this? You can leave the house in those pants? Meow.
I'm just a little grumpy this morning.
Good Gravy! Who does this belong to? That's Kim's.
Get this She had a breast reduction.
What? What the hell is wrong with women these days? Huh? You don't see me getting a penis reduction.
You know, speaking of large-breasted specimens, I had an interesting encounter last evening.
We're learning a lot of new things about Kim, Danny.
Who knows what else she's hiding.
She's not hiding anything, so stop snooping.
Uh-huh! And here's your first dark, dirty secret right here.
Speaking of dark, dirty secrets What is it, Sheldon? This creepy wooden doll, huh? Oh, and wait, it gets weirder.
There's another one inside.
Look out! There's another one! What the hell is she into? I had sex with Nikki last night! Our Nikki? The redhead? How was it? More importantly, why was it? Well, Nikki and I were at the Recess, and there was this thug hassling people, so, you know, someone had to step in.
So Nikki saved your ass? Yes.
Big time.
Who cares about that? How was the sex? Ugh, it was weird.
She kept screaming, "Let me stick the landing!" And that mouth of hers frankly, she was indelicate.
I guess you won't be going back to that buffet? No.
We just had nothing in common.
The only reason I agreed to do it a third time was because I couldn't think of anything to talk to her about.
and then he wanted to do it a third time.
[Chuckles] I'm telling you, he could not get enough "Vitamin Nikki.
" Please don't feel the need to tell me everything.
Ryan was so whiny and needy.
It was a real turn-on.
Oh, my God, you wouldn't believe his No! Nikki, don't.
I was just gonna tell you about his penis.
Are you two dating now? Who knows? I am seeing him again tonight.
So you're going on another date with her? No.
But you're seeing her tonight? Yes.
The night after you had sex with her? No, man, I'm just gonna go pick her up.
We're gonna get some drinks, some dinner, maybe see a movie Dear God, that's a date.
Well, well, well.
Look what I just found pressed between the pages of a book, in an old antique box, buried beneath her grandmother's letters, for the whole world to see.
"Nick, Josh, Kevin, Damian" That, my friend, is a list of all the guys Kim has banged.
Of course it's not! It's probably an old Christmas list.
Hey! There's three "Daves.
" She has lots of cousins.
Is one of them named "Guy in Italy?" Guys, I'm putting this back.
Okay? Even if this is what you think it is, it's none of my business.
You're right, Danny.
You don't know she slept with all those guys.
Thank you, Ryan.
Maybe some are just oral.
[] Nikki, I've been thinking a lot about this, and you know what? Uh, you are too good for me.
Oh, you're so insecure and hopeless, I could just eat you up.
Uh huh.
Yes, but don't you think what made last night so special was that it just happened the once? Not for me, it didn't.
How do I make this clear? I just can't help but feel that to continue this relationship might be gilding the lily.
Ooh! I'm up for a good lily-gilding.
Nikki, what I'm trying to say is I want you so bad.
[Giggles] [] Hey.
I'm almost ready.
Great! I thought we'd check out this new Ethiopian place.
Sure, whatever.
Bet you didn't know I liked Ethiopian food.
Never really thought about it before.
Man, there is probably lots of stuff we don't know about each other.
[Scoffs] Is this about me being a slob again? What? No.
I've just been thinking about all the things I don't know about you.
Like who's your favorite Beatle, or where you went to middle school, or how many guys you've had sex with.
What? Why do you want to know that? Well, it's just one of those little factoids that couples share.
A "factoid" is fish don't have eyelids.
Anyway, you tell me your number, I'll tell you mine.
I'm not gonna stand here and tell you how many guys I've slept with.
Oh-kay! We'll write it down.
Why can't we just go out and eat? [Snaps]: Because this is gonna be fun! [Forced]: A really neat way to start a date.
Fine, if it'll shut you up.
[Exhales] When did you stop keeping that list? I was joking! [Gasps deeply] You went through my stuff? What? No! I mean, I mean, yes, but Yes.
So Ethiopian? [] I can't believe you and your brothers snooped in my apartment.
Well, I can't believe you hid that you're a slob.
Well, maybe being a slob's a part of my life I'm just not proud of.
But you're proud you kept a list of your conquests? And who's "Guy in Italy?" Well, if I knew that, don't you think I'd write it down? Great.
One day, I'm gonna be on that list.
"Guy with Two Brothers.
" Does my number really freak you out that much? It's not the number.
Okay? I'm freaked out because all of a sudden, I feel like I don't even know you.
Well, I guess we can't sleep together tonight.
I don't have sex with strangers! Ha-ha! "Guy in Italy" would disagree.
[] What the hell is going on? Shh! Keep it down.
They're getting ready to roll upstairs.
You're shooting a movie in my apartment? Yeah, I rented it out to a film crew.
"12 Years a Sex-Slave.
" That sounds like a porno.
Danny, it's not a porno.
It's the erotic adventures of a lost little Okay, it's a porno.
You can't shoot a porno in my place! God, I can't believe I even have to say, "You can't shoot a porno in my place.
" That girl looks familiar.
Well, she should.
That's "Misty" Hmm? Proud star of over a hundred movies.
Good God, a hundred? Yeah, and she's only been in the industry six months.
You've got to admire her work ethic.
Wait a minute.
Danny, what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be over at Kim's? Ugh.
We had a fight.
She knows we found the list.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I can get you Misty's autograph.
Hmm? And you should see how she holds the pen.
Oh, gross, Sheldon.
What? She's a lefty! I'm going to take a shower.
Uh, no, you can't.
They're shooting the shower scene next.
But stick around.
There was a no-show, and they're looking for a ninth.
So [Awkward chuckle] wanna go do it in the bathroom? No.
I have the key to the tea shop.
You wanna go do it in that bathroom? I'll pass.
Look, Nikki.
We clearly don't have anything in common.
All right, well, how about we go to the art gallery? Really? Yeah.
We can do it in the bathroom there.
[Seductively]: Cloth towels.
Nikki, what I'm trying to say is Which stall would you like? [Giggles] Wait! No.
I'm sorry, but it's over.
Look, Nikki, I know this is hard for you to hear, but, well, I just can't do this anymore.
Ryan, but I don't understand.
I've never dated anybody like you.
I thought we had Ooh! A fireman! See you lost your bodyguard.
Uh, I'm not gonna be hiding behind her anymore so, look, man, if you're gonna hurt me, let's just get it over with now.
That works for me.
[Cracking knuckles] Hold it! What happened between you two? Uh, we we just broke up.
You broke up with her? Maybe.
Why? Does that make you angry? Dude! She's awesome! I would totally hit that.
In a very respectful way, of course.
Well, she's single now.
Do you want her number? You don't think that would make things awkward between us? No, we're good.
[] [Knocking] Oh.
I'm sorry.
Did you forget to go through my hard drive? Look, before you slam the door in my face, I brought a peace offering.
[Shuts door] A room at the Four Seasons? But it's for tonight a Thursday.
A-And it's not just a room It's a suite.
A junior suite.
I see you cleaned up a bit.
A bit? This took me all day.
Great! [Chuckles] Hey, you have hardwood floors.
I'm sorry about last night.
Whatever you did in your past is none of my business.
You're right.
I was just spinning out, discovering all these things I didn't know about you.
There's going to be all sorts of things we discover about each other.
And some of them, we're not gonna like.
Like the fact that you have a cheap-streak.
I just got us a hotel! Yeah.
On points.
You weren't supposed to see that.
Besides it doesn't cover room service, parking, resort fee, or taxes.
We're just going to have to be honest and accept each other for who we are.
So is there anything else I should know about? Oh, let me see Oh, I can't snap my fingers.
I secretly watch The Bachelor.
Um Hey! One of my legs is longer than the other.
When I wrote down how many women I slept with, I lied.
I rounded up.
Well, that's okay.
I actually did stop making my list years ago.
We can stop being honest now! [] Danny, is Sheldon actually helping, or is he just pretending to help again? For your information, I am perfectly capable of moving a mattress and texting this chick, Patty, at the same time.
And I just called her "Fatty.
" You're good.
Just keep going.
But watch the walls, 'kay, careful with the painting with the painting! We got it, Danny.
Hey, this is a really nice mattress.
Why are you getting rid of it anyway? Well, it's a, uh a funny story, actually Yeah! Yeah I realized it's been, what, five to seven years? So, time to get a new one! How is that a funny story? Well, it's not "ha-ha" funny.
Actually, while Danny was staying with Kim, I let a film crew shoot a porno on it.
[Chuckles] Okay.
See? That's funny.
I'm serious.
Porn? Oh! Shower! Shower! Shower! - Shower! - [Door slams] You think we should tell him what they did in the shower? Probably not.