Package Deal (2013) s02e03 Episode Script

Sex, Sex, Sex

He's committing suicide.
I can't watch! I know.
There's no way he can cook a risotto in that little time! There are so many other starches! Get your head in the game! All right, put your clothes on.
Our clothes are on.
They are? Wow! Is everything okay? Of course.
What's wrong with you? Me? Nothing.
It's just every time I come over here, you guys are always in the middle of a four-legged frolic.
I'm talking about sex here, Kim.
Okay.
We got that.
Thanks.
And I know you'll find this hard to believe, but we do other things.
Like watch TV.
Yeah.
And we are totally hooked on Kitchen Death Match.
It's the semi-finals.
Chef Tanaka, Chef Blair finally facing off.
Gee, that sounds like a whole lot of fun there, Dorothy, but I need to borrow your suitcase again.
You never returned it.
What? You've only got one? You know that girl I met at the check-out line at the grocery store? Yeah.
You picked her up buying a jug of wine and a box of condoms.
Well, I'm getting ready to take her away on a weekend getaway to a little place I call "Club Sheldon.
" The Hyatt by the airport? You know it! Put your clothes on.
They are on! Really? Is everything okay? For your information Don't take this the wrong way, Kim, but Well, I don't really care.
I came by to get Danny's creme brule torch.
Wait a minute.
Rat problem? Because, F.
Y.
I.
that doesn't work.
They just run around on fire and it spreads.
No.
I'm making dinner for Julie.
It's only been a few weeks, but whew.
So far so good.
Wait a minute.
You're using the torch? That means you haven't parked the Plymouth in the garage.
Am I right? I'm talking about sex here, Kim.
Look.
Julie's a little reserved, so I thought the fire might loosen her up.
Oh, that's disgusting.
Worked on you, didn't it? I love you.
And then I turned the corner into the alley, and he followed me.
You poor thing! Oh Ever since that day, I've been afraid of poodles.
You've been through so much.
Mm, hold on.
Oh, it's okay.
It's okay.
If you're not ready, we can wait.
I want our first time to be special.
Oh, Ryan! It will be special.
That's the last thing I'm worried about.
Here.
Give me your hands.
Let's make love.
I promise to be gentle.
I won't.
Now get in the bedroom.
Didn't see that coming.
Hey, you remember that bank robbery last weekend? Gunfire, guy took hostages, S.
W.
A.
T.
team had to take him down? Oh, yeah! That was terrible.
Y-Yeah! Terrible.
But guess who's defending the gunman? Sometimes, you make me so proud.
Hey, guys.
This is Emma.
This is my brother, Danny.
And that's his girlfriend I was telling you about.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Totally get it.
How was the hotel? Oh, not bad.
We actually left the room a couple of times.
There was a business centre.
And, well, I don't need to tell you what we did in there.
Let me guess.
A little hide-the-hot-dog? Huh? No.
Faxing.
I had work to do.
We just got back and I am starved.
That's because we just had sex, Kim.
Ryan! What happened to your wrist? It's all red.
Oh, it's nothing.
No, I just you know, slept on it funny.
What do you mean? For God's sakes, stop interrogating me! Julie made me wear handcuffs.
I'm not even gonna tell you where she hid the key.
You're allowed to say "no," Ryan.
Actually, I wasn't allowed to speak until spoken to.
Hey, it's all in your head, baby.
Yeah? Well, screw you! Hey.
Whoa, whoa! Come on.
That was an $8.
00 drink! I don't understand it.
Emma was so much fun at the hotel.
The minute we pull out of the parking lot, she starts complaining.
It sounds like you're dating a deeply troubled person who's only happy when she escapes her own life.
I agree.
I think you know what you need to do here, Sheldon.
You're right.
I've gotta get her back to the hotel.
What? That's absurd! Absurdly smart! That's it, I'm outta here.
Danny - Mwah! - I'll see you tonight.
I'm excited for our special evening.
Getting lucky tonight, huh? Whatever you do, don't use restraints.
What? No, no.
We're watching the season finale of Dunk Chef.
What is that? Chefs playing basketball? No, Ryan.
That would be stupid.
This is chefs in a dunk tank.
So how long have you guys been in this sex slump? Oh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We are not in a "sex slump.
" Okay? Trust me.
We still do it a lot.
Define "a lot.
" Okay.
Let's see.
The last time we did it was none of your business.
Ahem.
I'm sure we'll do it tonight.
After Dunk Chef? No, we're gonna do it during Dunk Chef.
That was a surprisingly sad episode of Dunk Chef.
I guess some chefs can't swim.
On a lighter note, I have a surprise for you.
I love surprises.
Do I get a hint? Well it's gonna make you smile.
Uh-huh? And? And it kinda tickles.
Oh, ho! Tell me more.
And it sounds like this Are we sure this surprise isn't for you? Ta-dah! I got you a new toothbrush! Yeah, you did.
What are you doing? Oh, uh, a little red wine got on the carpet.
It's imported from Egypt, cost me two months' alimony.
But no big deal.
Um, it was it was totally worth it.
Wasn't it? It's just really hard to find that exact color.
But you know what? Who cares? Now was that awesome or was that awesome? That was nice! Would you look at that stain? Ryan, I really like you, but I feel like you're holding back a little bit in the bedroom.
Do you need me to finish faster? 'Cause that's easy.
No.
I mean, you seem repressed.
W-What are you saying? I don't satisfy you? No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, n Yeah.
But you are so great! Wait, okay? Look.
Give me another chance.
'Kay, the truth is I was holding back! Yeah, I just Well, I didn't want to scare you off! Don't worry about that.
There's something I want you to do to me.
Back rub? Oh, it's a little more than a back rub.
'Cause I give really good back rubs.
Okay.
Easy, easy.
Now, get ready to open your eyes in three two one This is not the hotel.
I know, I know, but the hotel was getting a little pricey.
We can pretend this is the hotel room, huh? Look over here.
I got slippers right at the end of the bed, a "do not disturb" sign hanging on the door, and a half-eaten club sandwich under this metal lid.
And I think you might've noticed, housekeeping was just here.
Mm.
These, uh, hospital corners were not easy.
Yeah, this isn't working for me, okay? This is just someone's loft.
No, no, no.
This is my brother's loft, and he's not gonna know.
He's at work.
Okay, come on.
Couldn't you book another hotel room with your credit card? Oh, my credit card's maxed out, baby.
Do you know how much those nightstand cashews cost? I am hypoglycemic! Now, listen! Why don't we do this we'll go halfsies.
Wait! Wait! I've got pillow mints! Hey, Nikki.
Kim's in the back.
Um, actually, I I came to see you.
Nikki, you're a woman of the world.
You've been around the block a few times.
Are you saying I'm slutty? Thank you! Yes! Okay, so, I'm seeing this girl, and-and she's great! She's sweet, she's smart, but in the bedroom, she's a little complicated.
Ah, I get it.
Born with both? What? No! She wants me to Buy her a turtleneck? No! Uh while making love, she would like me to Leave? Oh She wants to be choked! Oh.
I see.
And this request makes you nervous? Well, there's a fine line between giving someone pleasure and a frantic call to 9-1-1.
Besides, do I look like the kind of guy who's into high-risk sexual antics? I wear cardigans! You'd be surprised.
I once dated an accountant who wore nipple clamps Not on his nipples.
What should I do? I mean, I really like this girl, but not enough to go to prison for the rest of my life if I screw this up.
I think you should give it a shot.
Are you sure? Because I have a deceptively strong grip.
People are constantly getting me to open pickle jars.
There's no danger, just as long as you establish a safe word.
Oh a safe word! - Mm.
- Okay.
How does she say the safe word if I'm choking her? Good luck in prison.
Hey, Nikki? Can I talk to you for a second? I need some advice.
Mm! Fire away.
I'm in the zone.
Danny and I seem to be in a little rut in our sex life lately, and I figure, since you're you know.
I know.
Slutty.
Thank you! Yes.
Maybe you need to spice things up, get a little crazy.
You, uh ever thought about being choked? Excuse me? Everyone's doing it! Look, just be the aggressor, take the first step.
Okay.
I can give it a shot.
I don't know why I'm so embarrassed about this.
I mean, I'm sure it happens to everyone.
Oh, it's never happened to me.
Well Well, that's because you're slutty.
Hey! It's one thing when I say it Hey.
I made dinner.
And I brought dessert.
Ooh.
Whip cream.
Strawberries.
And chocolate sauce.
Sundaes! Mm-hmm.
Sundaes off my naked body! Oh, ho-ho! That would be sexy.
If I wasn't lactose intolerant.
Right! Oh, I totally forgot.
No! No, no, no.
I love the idea of spicing things up.
Maybe I could eat dinner off your naked body.
I will never do that again.
So what are we having? Shepherd's pie.
Ew.
Shepherd's pie? No, no, no.
It's vegetarian.
And sexy.
I mean, it's got potatoes, and cubed carrots, and peas Yeah.
Not a turn-on.
I know.
What if we try doing it in public? Ooh! Like the backseat of a cop car? Or a hockey game? Or the cemetery! Yeah, all good ideas, um, but I was thinking maybe the balcony.
Okay.
I like it.
Wow! It's cold outside, huh? Little nippy.
We're in a slump, aren't we? Yes! What are we gonna do? All right.
We're just gonna have to do it, right here, right now.
Get down on the floor.
Aye-aye, Captain.
Oh! Wai Wait.
Let me grab a blanket.
Oh.
A-And some pillows.
You know, it is a little dusty.
We should sweep up first.
Well, why don't we just watch TV, and tomorrow we'll have mind-blowing sex.
Love it! Julie.
I've been thinking a lot about your request and I've decided I'm in.
I will choke you.
Yay! Okay.
I, uh, I didn't buy you a pony, I agreed to hurt you and quite possibly endanger your life.
But I brought some precautions.
A portable defibrillator in case your heart gives out a charged cell phone set to 9-1-1 bottle of lotion to soothe your neck in case of chafing or bruising.
Oh, and a, well, a fake passport for me, just in case this goes sideways.
Ryan clearly, you're uncomfortable with this whole choking thing.
What? Are you kidding? Back in college, they used to call me "The Choker.
" Well, I blew a lot of games in the fourth quarter.
You're a very tender, sensitive lover.
Many women like that in a man.
Just not me.
Okay.
We can do it your way.
Well, thank you for that ringing endorsement, but my penis is feeling a little emasculated right now.
Would it help if I choked you? Would you look at that? It climbed right up inside my body.
Please tell me you're not starting your own airline again.
They're for the mini-bar, Danny.
What mini-bar? Okay.
You made me lose my concentration.
Look.
I've been taking Emma back to the hotel and the mini-bar prices are killing me.
So you're making your own, using my Scotch? Pretty clever, huh? You could just take your own regular-sized bottle.
No, no, no, no, no.
Having a mini-bar adds to the excitement of staying at a hotel.
And besides, these, uh, little bottles make me look like a giant.
So you had another fight with Emma? Yeah, you know, "vacation Emma" was like a glass of sparkling Champagne.
"Regular Emma," a bitch.
Sheldon, you have to end this.
Oh, no, Danny, huh? The sex is far too good.
Can we please not talk about sex? Oh a little trouble down in the, uh, country club? You were right.
Kim and I have hit a slump.
I've got an idea.
Now, if this place can't help spice things up, nothing will.
Oh! How about that? You could be the naughty maid cleaning my apartment.
Excuse me? You don't have to be thorough.
Danny, I don't know about this place.
Don't worry! It's not like we're gonna run into anyone we know.
Hey, guys.
Ryan? W-What are you doing here? Don't ask him that! We don't want to know.
I'm searching for some literature on proper choking techniques.
What? Well, it's a long story.
What are you guys doing here? Uh, getting change.
For the meter.
Let's get outta here.
Whoa! You kids, uh, here looking for something to prime the old pump? Please, don't talk about Danny's pump.
Well, actually, in this scenario, Kim, you're the pump.
Never mind! Look, I thought you were taking Emma back to the hotel.
I am, but I'm gonna rent some adult movies first.
The pay-per-view at the hotel is costing me a fortune.
Huh.
Look at that.
"Bicurious George.
" Danny, I want to get out of here.
Kim? Nikki! I didn't know you came here.
Do you wanna watch a movie with me? No! No, I don't even want to be here.
I love this place.
The selection is awesome and it's a good place to pick up guys.
Okay.
You guys are out of your minds.
Okay, Danny, I'll be in the car Ah! S-S-Sorry, everyone.
I I'll just pick up, uh a few of these.
Wait-wait-wait! Can I have this one? Gross! Those are the rentals.
That was amazing! How do you feel? Uh, like a guy who should be arrested for attempted murder.
Oh, I'm just relieved it's over.
Over? Oh, we're just getting started.
There's more? After that, I feel like I can be myself and really tell you what I want to do sexually.
Okay.
I have an idea.
What is it? Let's role-play.
Yeah.
No.
You came by to fix my cable - Uh-huh? - and now you're leaving and never coming back! Whoo-hoo! I like it! So what do we do now? Here's a thought.
We do nothing.
I think we got that covered.
Hear me out, okay? Before everyone was giving us a hard time about not doing it every night, we were happy just hanging out in front of the TV.
That's true.
I was having fun.
Well, maybe sex in a long-term relationship is like a gourmet meal You're not talking about shepherd's pie again, are you? Not anymore, I'm not.
Look, Danny.
I get it.
And I love you.
Mm.
Mwah.
So Kitchen Death Match? Yes! Tonight there's a dessert challenge.
Ooh! Oh! She's making a cake? Wow look at that cake-piper.
She really knows how to work that thing.
Yeah! It's huge.
I don't know how she gets her hands around it.
It's so thick.
Look at her go.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah! You work that piper! You work it, baby! She's almost done! J-J-J-Just a little more Yes.
Yes! Oh! Wow! That's a lot of icing that came out of there.
Aw.
So you broke up with Emma? No.
That woman's crazy.
I left her in the hotel room, told her I was going to get ice, never went back.
You're gonna make a really good father someday.
Aren't you afraid she's gonna find you? No.
Ryan gave me a fake passport, in case anything went sideways.
Ryan! How about you? Are you over your split with Julie? Yeah.
I'm just glad I got out of it before the sex got too weird.
No.
I'm gonna go stand at the bar.