Package Deal (2013) s02e05 Episode Script

Danny's New Job

I would like to propose a toast to a very special person.
A young man a maverick, really, heh, a guy who looked destiny hard in the eye and said Way more than he needed to? Sorry.
To me! Congrats on the new gig, Danny.
I knew you could do it.
I'm still a little surprised.
I didn't think you liked the big law firms.
Oh, come on, Kim.
I mean, MacKenzie, Cromwell, Sharpe, Silverstein, Grebs, Lopez, and Moss isn't that big.
Well, it's smaller now, since Carpenter and Schmidt died.
And the best part is, I'll attract a better class of criminal.
Goodbye, drug dealers and hookers, hello, pharmaceuticals and escorts! I was thinking of, uh, heading outside to make out.
Care to join me? Is it just me, or is it them? And feel free to be honest, because I know it's not me.
It's obviously them.
I mean, who wouldn't be turned on by cheap bodyspray and a denim dress shirt? Exactly.
See? Kim gets it.
Maybe you just need a new angle.
You could try one of those new hookup sites like Findr.
Or you could talk to her like she's a human being and not a slab of meat.
I like the first idea.
What was that? "Findr.
" It's an app that uses your GPS to find people close by who want to hook up.
My therapist suggested it.
Your therapist suggested you have random sex with strangers? I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what to do with me anymore.
It's just busy work.
Sheldon, please tell me that you're not Downloaded! Yay.
That's so great.
Whoa! Whoa.
I just felt a major disturbance on the Internet, as if a million single women all cried out in terror.
Sweet Mother of Invention, I already got one.
She's not as attractive as her picture, but she's only 15 feet away! Man! Why didn't they have this thing when I was single? I could have met you so much sooner.
There he is! Hey, come on, no more pictures.
You've been doing it since the parking lot.
It's embarrassing.
Oh! Nice one.
Come on.
Well, well, well.
Look at this, huh? Nice digs here, Danny.
But you should think about getting a new assistant.
What's wrong with my assistant? Well, for starters, he's a dude.
For enders, you know, the dude thing still.
Here ya go, Danny.
Brought you lunch for your first day.
Wow.
Peanut butter and banana with Nutella.
Are you trying to get him beaten up? It's tradition! I made that for him on his first day of elementary school, middle school and college.
Well, interestingly enough, he got beat up his first day of elementary school, middle school and college.
That's very sweet, Ryan, but I'm actually hoping to have lunch with my new boss, Jillian.
Wait a minute.
A chick boss, a dude assistant? Have I just woken up in the 25th century? Jillian is not a "chick.
" She's a legend, and the reason I took this job.
She even got the "Red Valley Killer" off, and he bludgeoned 13 people! So, because of her, there's a serial killer on the loose? Thanks to Jillian, there are several serial killers on the loose.
If you ever talk to me that way again, it'll be your sorry ass.
Alright, John, stop crying.
Because it's embarrassing! You know what? Why don't you call me back when you grow a pair? Stupid judge.
Jillian Sharpe.
Oh, I know who you are.
I'm Let me guess.
Danny White.
Guilty as charged.
I didn't mean that as a law pun.
Not that there's anything wrong with law puns.
I mean, unless you object then sue me.
So you're the newbie they hired while I was in Maui.
Uh, did he also tell you that they hired a new dude assistant while you were gone? I have to say, it is a real honor to meet you.
I am such a huge fan of your law career.
Your argument on Larken V.
Is that a peanut butter and banana sandwich? Oh, yeah! With, uh, with Nutella.
Yeah, I was just getting rid of this.
Yeah? I used to beat kids up for those in grade school.
I haven't had one in years.
Oh, well, take it, please.
Well, thank you.
These are my brothers, Ryan and Sheldon.
They were just leaving.
Not before I pop a selfie! Everybody say "new boss!" Make sure you send me a copy of that.
Ryan, Sheldon, nice to meet you both.
New guy.
Wow.
That did not go quite as well as I'd hoped.
I don't know, I think she's amazing.
Yeah.
She can examine my briefs any time.
Now, that's a law pun.
I'm back from lunch.
It's 4:00.
Damn! I missed my coffee break.
Well, I see you've been swamped.
We will be soon.
I took a marketing seminar this weekend on how to "crush social media and rock your business.
" What, they charge you 300 bucks to tell you how to use Twitter? No! It was 289.
I'll be in the back, updating my resume.
I wish I could invent some kind of app to help drum up business.
Like a dating app, but for customers.
Oh, like an escort service? I tried that.
The margins are razor thin.
No, I mean like "Findr," but instead of having sex, you drink tea.
Really? And would it send me tea-related news? That's a good idea! No.
It's terrible.
Why don't we just use Findr? Nikki, hook up on your own time.
Oh I do.
No, we find a photo of a hot girl and open an account under an alias.
Then we use it to lure men into the tea shop to "meet her.
" Okay, and by "meet her," you mean "drink tea.
" Wow, you catch on slow.
What happens when they find out she's not actually here? Too late! We'll have their money.
Seems kind of unethical.
No.
We're merely promoting the virtues of tea to legions of perverts.
And you might get your 289 bucks back.
I'm in.
So we're all getting ready to sit around the conference table, and I pull out a chair for Jillian, and I swear, she purposely sat in another seat.
Ohh! But you always pick such good seats! I'm telling you, Ryan, she doesn't like me.
Well, that's ironic, considering she was the whole reason you took the job.
You see it, right? The irony? Yes, I see it.
Look, it's probably just in your head.
Were you nice to her the rest of the day? Did you compliment her blazer, like I suggested? Yes.
Just before I realized she wasn't wearing one.
No blazer? What is she, a dirt-farmer? Well, evening, gents.
Beautiful night to take a stroll through the park, meet a depraved nympho who wants to have sex on a swing set like I just did.
So I take it you're enjoying Findr? Ha.
It is amazing.
You know, I just can't figure out if the site has caused women to lose their morals, or just finally given them a forum.
Sounds like an interesting sociological experiment.
That's exactly what I said to the sociologist I banged last night.
Ooh.
Look at that.
A stockbroker.
And I do like to play the market.
Can we just bring it back to me for a second here? Okay? I really do have a problem.
Danny, calm down.
Your boss likes you.
She's probably just that way with everyone.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm sure it's in my head.
Oh! Here we go.
There's my stockbroker.
I'm off, gents.
And believe me, the old "NASDAQ" will be going up tonight.
And down.
And up.
And down.
Wow.
He really is good with those puns.
So I said, give it to the Dubai office, let them deal with it.
Ow.
Ow! That sounds hysterical! I mean, screw Dubai, am I right? Danny, this is Bryce.
He runs the Dubai office.
Oh, no, see see, when I said "screw," I meant so, hey.
I bought an apple fritter this morning, but I'm too full.
Did you Did you maybe want it? It's no big deal.
You eat crap like that, with the hours that we keep? No! No-No, no, I would never eat that.
But you would give it to me? Of course not! No, I mean not that you couldn't get away with it.
I mean, you look fantastic for your age.
No, no, no, not that you look old or-or anything What's your cholesterol? I think we're done here.
Yeah, yeah.
No, look forget the fritter.
Um, I was on my way out, and I thought, "Hey, great idea" Why don't you and me go grab a cup of coffee? Together? Danny, I make it a policy not to socialize with people who work for me.
Hey, Boss.
Just going to go grab some coffee.
You want to come? Great! I would love one.
I can't believe how low I've sunk.
You think this is low? I once sucked tequila out of a bar rag.
Check to see if anyone's responded to Sonata's invitation.
I'm not sure about that name.
"Sonata"? "Sonata.
" As in "'S-Not-A Real Girl.
" Get it? It's my little joke.
And it's "Sonata" very funny.
I feel like this whole plan is setting the women's movement back 100 years.
Hey! 100 years ago, women weren't allowed to own businesses.
If anything we're heroes to feminists everywhere.
You're right! We're trailblazers! Great.
Now, which of these ass shots do you like better? Whoa! Sonata's getting a lot of replies! Oh, my God! What? This guy just sent me a picture of his thing.
Men are so predictable.
Let me see.
Aww! That's a cute one.
Okay what should I say? Just tell him to pack up his junk and come to the loose leaf.
Oh, and probably mention you're horny.
Okay.
Here I go I guess.
Hey! I think this guy is here for Sonata.
He is! He just texted to say he arrived.
Looks like we got our first fly in the web.
Hi there.
Can I help you? No.
Thank you.
I'm meeting someone.
Oh, let me guess.
Tall, blonde, leggy.
Nice set of cans? Actually, yes.
She said she'd be right back.
- Yep.
- She had to Run to Victoria's Secret to buy some panties.
Yes.
Panties.
Dirty, dirty panties.
Here, why don't you have a seat while you wait? Now, what would you like to order? I overheard the woman say scones make her hot.
Really? What kind of scones? Better just order one of everything, to be safe.
Look, I may not technically be a psychologist, but after 20 years of very intense therapy, I'm pretty damn close, and I think I know what's going on with you and your boss.
I'm all ears.
This morning, I was so nervous, I started talking to her in an Irish accent.
Look, it's apparent that you are desperate for her approval, so much so, in fact, that you're misinterpreting her opinion of you based on your own inner-feelings of self-loathing.
So she doesn't hate me? No.
You just hate yourself.
Oh, thank goodness.
She's here.
Why is she here? Oh, it's the universe trying to help you! Wait.
That, or it's wing night.
Either way, man.
Go talk to her.
You're right.
This is stupid.
Hey stranger! Can I buy you a drink? Danny, are you stalking me? Good one.
Can I grab two greyhounds over here, please? Read an article once where you said that that was your favorite drink.
And I was like, "Get outta town! Mine too.
" I don't mean to be rude, but I have a lot of work to do.
Perfect! Can I help? Don't know if you know this about me, but I'm a lawyer.
Jury's still out on that one.
Nice law pun.
I was being serious.
No! No, of course, no, I-I didn't mean Well, you're Jillian Sharpe.
You definitely don't need my help.
So, heh enjoy your night! I'll, uh I'll see you in the A.
M.
Can I ask you something? No! I just I-I get the sense that maybe you don't care for me.
Now, I know this sounds crazy I don't like you.
Why? Did I do something? 'Cause if this is about the smell in the copy room, that was an intern who had just left.
Danny, I'm a busy woman.
I run a law firm, I have three ex-husbands to support, and a shih tzu that won't crap outside.
I don't have time for insecure lawyers kissing my ass.
You know, I have a very funny story about a shih tzu.
I'll just go.
Wow, that is a nice blazer! Thanks for staying past close.
I've never seen this place so busy.
No problem.
I kinda like the primal energy of a room full of frustrated, horny guys.
It reminds me of gym class.
Everyone is asking where Sonata is.
Just tell them she had to pop out for a quick bikini car wash.
For charity! Okay, I've already have her running home to get her baby oil, sexy handcuffs, and her personal massager.
Now you got her stuck in the bathroom? Well, I don't know! The scones didn't agree with her? You suck at this.
How long do you think these guys are gonna be here till they give up? In the words of Oscar Wilde, there's no optimism greater than that of a dude with a boner.
Whoa! Nachos, pizza, and fries? Looks like somebody's eating her feelings.
My boss hates me.
Well, keep eating.
Maybe she likes fat guys.
Truth be told, I'm feeling a little depressed myself.
I just scored with twins.
I don't know how you get up in the morning.
Yeah.
You know, it's weird.
You'd think I'd be happier.
I've been on Findr for two days, and, already, - I've completed my bucket list.
- But Your bucket list is just sex? That's what a bucket list is.
"Scoring with a contortionist.
" Check.
"Scoring with twins.
" Check and check.
"Scoring with a trumpet player" A trumpet player? Strong lips.
Nimble fingers.
Spit valves? Ryan, that's gross.
You know, this stupid Findr app has taken all the fun out of scoring.
Well, I mean, no, not all of it, obviously, but just the thrill of the hunt.
It's like fishing with sonar.
I mean, where's the sportsmanship? You once went fishing with dynamite.
Yeah.
Dynamite fishing.
It's a sport.
I think somebody may be trying to get in touch with you.
Men keep texting me.
They see a pretty girl and they won't quit.
Well, someone thinks highly of themselves.
Why are men texting you? Don't worry, I'm just leading them on.
What's with the sad-sack buffet? Don't tell me you're still down about your boss.
She clearly has issues.
Danny, you're the best.
So there are some people that don't like you.
That's just life.
Are you saying you know other people that don't like me? I mean, a few.
What's the big deal? I mean, sometimes, you can come off as a little overeager.
Don't listen to her, Danny! No one likes her.
Do you remember Rob and Katie? Yeah, we went out with them a few times? Yeah! Yeah, they don't call anymore.
What happened? You complimented them so much, that they thought that we wanted to swing.
That's ridiculous.
I'd be honored to swing with Danny! You can't shield him from the truth.
We don't have to! Why? Because, Danny, you're the best.
Look, I mean, at the end of the day, isn't it more important that you like yourself? Yeah.
Of course.
But in order to do that, I need everyone else to like me, too.
Excuse me.
You like me, don't you? Oh, yeah.
I love customers who bus their own tables and make me look bad in front of my boss.
So, what, I should just leave all this on the table? Yeah, but now she's giving you the finger.
Uh, that's probably for me.
We did it in the stock room.
"Doing it in the stockroom with a waitress.
" Check.
There's so much cash in this register.
I could steal some and you wouldn't even notice.
Yeah, but this isn't what I wanted.
I mean, I'm supposed to be selling tea balls, not blue balls.
Hello, ladies.
Oh, no.
Please tell me you're just here looking for Danny.
Actually, I'm here for a date.
A sweet blonde from Switzerland who likes to sunbathe in the nude.
And give lap dances to Aerosmith songs? Yeah, we know.
She just stepped out for a quick hot oil massage.
Can I get you anything? Nikki.
Okay, we can't do this anymore.
Sheldon, she's not real, okay? We just made it up to attract customers.
Well, first of all, well played, and second of all, what the hell? How could you do that? Oh, please! You're the one running around screwing anyone with boobs and a data plan.
Touché.
This Findr app is ruining my life.
Would you like a $6 scone? Always helps.
No.
Enough is enough.
Everybody? I need you to put down your phones.
Sex isn't about clicking "yes," sex is about hitting on real women, plying them with booze, and telling them whatever you need to tell them in order to score.
Are we men? Or are we machines? Or are we man-machine hybrids? "Manchines," perhaps.
The point is, what I need you to do is join me now and delete your Findr app.
Seriously? Nobody? Okay.
Well, just so you know, Sonata's not real.
You've all been played.
What? She's not real? But how can that be? Look, even though that speech was loud and offensive, and chauvinistic, I've got to say, it was oddly inspiring.
Well, even though you toying with my emotions was cruel, annoying and manipulative, I got to say, bite me.
Kim, isn't that The real Sonata! Excuse me, but, apparently, somebody has been using my photo to meet men here.
Excuse me.
Detective Sheldon White, S.
V.
U.
I've been assigned to your identity-theft case, and, uh, I'm gonna have to ask you a few questions.
Over drinks.
Jillian Ugh! I'm gonna have to put a bell on you.
I just wanted to let you know that I am done caring what you think of me, that, sure, you're an incredible lawyer, and the reason I joined this firm, but I'm here to do a job, and I'm going to do it.
You can dislike me all you want.
To be honest, I could care less.
"Couldn't care less.
" Dammit! I always screw that up.
But you know what? That's the first thing that you've said that makes me like you.
Now, that I can respect.
Really? Oh! 'Cause if you like that, there's plenty more where that came from.
So you have a dog? Listen, if you ever need a sitter, I am just a phone call away! And it would by my honor to try and train him to crap outside.
Did you get that top on sale? Because, at my house, it would be 100% off.
Nice try.
Are you from Tennessee? You're the only "10" I see.
Get lost.
Uh, there's something on your chest.
My eyes.
Oh, what the hell.
It's late.
The classics never go out of style.
Are you wearing space pants? Because your booty You got the job.