Package Deal (2013) s02e06 Episode Script

The Imperfect Storm

I'm thinking of selling off a bunch of my old junk.
How much do you guys think I could get for this watch down at the pawn shop? I bought you that watch for being groomsman at my wedding.
And I'd hate to part with it.
So, what do you say, 75 bucks? Holy crap, is that Storm Chambers? Who's Storm Chambers? Seriously? He's only my hero! Friend to the Little Guy, enemy of the Powerful He's a weatherman.
Your hero is a weatherman? That's like saying your hero is a weatherman.
Oh, he's just so cool and confident.
And that easy back-and-forth with the sports desk? You can't teach that.
I hate that guy.
One time, two years ago, he calls for sunshine.
So I leave my place without an umbrella, show up for a deposition soaking wet.
Dammit, Danny, he's a meteorologist, not a soothsayer.
Well, if he means that much to you, why don't you go say hello? Oh no, I couldn't.
What would I say? Well, how about, "Hi, Mr.
Weatherman! "My name is Ryan, and I have a weird little man crush on you.
" I can finesse that.
You know what? I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna talk to Storm Chambers! And I'll defend you when he files the restraining order.
Excuse me? Uh, Mr.
Chambers? Sorry to bother you, sir.
My name is Ryan White, and I just wanna say I'm a huge fan.
Well, hey, Ryan! Nice to meet ya! Let me buy you a drink.
Waitress, get this man a bourbon, neat.
That's my drink! White wine spritzer.
So what do you do, Ry-man? Uh, well, I'm between gigs at the moment.
I was doing nothing, but I've been seriously considering getting into something else.
Don't be afraid of a career change.
Before I got into weather, I was selling menswear.
You know what I sell now? Bobbleheads with your face on it? I own two.
I sell promise, Ryan.
The promise of a better day.
The promise that no matter how dark those storm clouds may look, there's sunshine up ahead.
Will you adopt me? Cassie and I are about to go hit this hot new club up the street.
You wanna come with? Do cumulus clouds dissipate at high altitudes? If the teleprompter says they do! Looks like it's actually going well.
Come on, this guy thinks he's such a big shot.
What has he got that I don't got? - Great suit.
- Perfect hair.
Dazzling smile.
Someone get a picture of me with him.
Hi there! Can I help you? Yeah, didn't there used to be a pawn shop at this location? Oh, I'm sorry, the pawn shop closed.
First, the methadone clinic, now this.
Whole neighborhood's going to hell.
If it makes you feel any better, a guy was stabbed in our alley last week.
Well, that's something.
So what did you want a pawn shop for? Are you selling something? Well, I was thinking about it, but now that I'm here, maybe I'll just, uh pick something up.
Wonderful! Were you looking to foster or adopt? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down there, sister, okay? I didn't wear protection for 25 years just to buy a baby off the rack.
I was thinking more like a dog.
This is an animal shelter.
Do you like Lhasa Apsos? I dunno.
Some of their earlier stuff was okay.
Wait! I have the perfect little nugget for you.
Oh, no, no, hey, hey don't, uh, don't waste your time.
I'm a busy guy, and a dog won't really fit into my hurly-burly, go-getter lifestyle, you know.
Hold on to your heart! What do you think? Wait a minute, that's a dog? Are you sure it's not a rat or a loofah? Here, hold him.
Oh, God Ooh you look sexy holding a dog.
Oh, yeah? Oh, for sure.
You could foster! There's no commitment.
It would just be until he finds his forever home.
Oh we put my nana in one of those.
Never heard the end of it.
Aw, look at you two.
I have such a weak spot for men who like animals.
Interesting.
And on an unrelated note, what are you doing for dinner tonight? Are you asking me on a date? Well, if I can get a sitter for rover, yeah.
You're on! I'm Katie.
Sheldon.
Now, he's been a little sick, so make sure he gets his pill six times a day, and something for the constipation.
I'll get his hemorrhoid cream.
Nana had those, too.
Hey, baby! Hey! Looks like someone's in a good mood.
I'm pretty pumped.
You know those scratch and win tickets they sell at the deli? Yeah? Well I just bought a couple.
Oh doesn't take much to get you pumped, does it? Oh, I'm sorry, we're closed.
Give me all the money in the register.
Cherry Cherry Ugh, watermelon.
Danny? Kinda getting robbed here.
Whoa okay.
Getting robbed.
Everyone stay calm.
I have a knife.
I don't see a knife.
You will if I don't get what I want, babe.
Babe? If the guy with the knife wants to call you "babe," I say we let him.
Hurry up! I'm going to miss my bus.
Okay, okay.
This is not worth anyone getting hurt over.
I will deal with this.
Then why are you standing behind me? I'm formulating a plan.
That's your plan? There's no trouble here, okay? You seem like a very decent young man, and I'm sure you have a very good reason for doing this.
I need money for drugs.
And I admire your initiative! Do you want my wallet? There's 150 bucks in there, plus a debit card.
He didn't ask for your wallet.
Please, Kim, there's no reason to get hysterical! I know what I'm doing.
Actually, I'd like the wallet.
See? So I'm in Miami, covering for a friend of mine at the local affiliate down there.
The hurricane blows in.
I end up taking shelter in Puff Daddy's penthouse! Drank Hennessy till dawn.
No biggie.
Oh, yeah poor biggie.
You're an odd guy, Ryan.
I like ya.
Excuse me, Mr.
Chambers, do you mind if I get an autograph? Oh, sure, no problem! I don't want to embarrass you, but you're my favorite part of the newscast.
Well, I couldn't do it without the whole team at Channel Six.
After all, there's no "I" in Storm.
Unless it's the eye of a storm! Wow! Did you just think of that? Nah, I've always got a few on hand for the ladies even the bowsers.
Well, I mean, yeah, she did reek of desperation and booze, but I thought she was kinda cute.
She's fine.
She's just not quite hot enough to "ride out the storm," if you know what I'm saying.
Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? I know this driving range.
They always give me a free bucket of balls.
Isn't it supposed to rain tomorrow? Your guess is as good as mine.
Just take the pill, please, for crying out loud.
Hey, so get this Doggie! Oh! Where did you come from, Mr.
Cuddles? Well, you know how I went down to the pawn shop this afternoon? Somebody pawned a dog? People are monsters.
No, no, the pawn shop was closed.
Anyways, long story short, I'm just looking after him until I can score with the chick from the animal shelter.
Well, what's the dog's name? I don't name things I don't plan on keeping, Ryan.
That's why my last three girlfriends were named "hon," "baby," and "there's cab fare on the dresser.
" So get this! Storm wants to hang out with me again tomorrow.
Really? That's, like, the third time this week.
Hmm, maybe he's not as cool as you thought he was.
I mean, you act like he has a white leather jacket and plays the saxophone.
I think you and I have very different ideas of cool.
You guys won't believe what happened at the tea Doggie! Hello, Mr.
Snuggles! It's "Cuddles.
" Where'd you get the dog? Not important, don't get attached.
You either.
So, what happened down at the tea shop? Right, so, I was picking Kim up after work, and we got robbed! Holy crap! Are you guys okay? Well, I don't wanna brag, but I kept a pretty cool head about it.
I could see the guy was rattled, but I stayed calm, resolved the situation peacefully.
So he didn't get anything? No, Danny gave him the money.
And then his wallet.
And then later, my purse.
Well, Geez, was he a big guy? I think he will be, once he's fully grown.
How old was this guy? Think teens.
Late teens! But he had a knife.
We never actually saw the knife.
So some kid just asked you for money? Are you sure he wasn't selling chocolate almonds for a school trip? You guys are missing the point, okay? I was a hero! Kim, tell them.
Yeah.
No.
Absolutely.
I mean well it's not like you chased the guy up a fire escape or anything He ran away so fast! You held the door for him.
I was studying his face for the police report! Are you disappointed with how I handled that? No! I thought that you were very generous.
Waitress, can I get a plate of chicken, please? Oh.
Hilarious.
You guys plan that out, hmm? I come in, you order chicken because I'm a chicken.
No, but now that you said that, I'm kinda mad at myself for not thinking of it.
The chicken is for Noodles.
Oh, I see you're taking the dog out with you now.
I also see the dog has a name.
Someone's getting attached Someone's getting annoying Look, I'm just looking after this thing until I can get that Katie chick in the sack.
Oh, like a scraggly, four-legged wingman.
You could've left him at home.
No, couldn't do that.
His little belly gets cold.
Doesn't your little belly get cold? Doesn't your little belly get cold? Hey, Ry-guy! Oh, Storm! Meet me in the pound, dog! Will do! Storm, this is the gang.
- Hey.
- Hey you heard the news? What news? There's a storm brewing down south.
Hi there! Uh I'm Danny.
Kim's boyfriend.
Oh, the robbery guy! Storm and I were texting last night.
Yeah, heard you folded up like a cheap wallet and then you gave him your wallet! Come on, I'm just joshing.
I'm gonna get some tequila shots.
You guys in? - Actually, we were - Yeah, great! Well, I think I know why that guy's calendar is wide open.
He's an A-hole.
What? No, he's Look, guys, I know he can come on a little strong, but that's just his sense of humor.
Storm selfie! Yikes! Yeah, I can crop you out.
Oh, my gosh he is an A-hole! Hey, you! I hope you're in a good mood because I made big plans.
I am actually in a great mood.
I have awesome news.
Ah! You're not pregnant! We haven't done it yet.
Sorry, force of habit.
I found a forever home for Noodles! My Noodles? I mean Noodles? It's a nice couple with two kids, and they want to adopt him today! - Hold on, today? - Why not? Well, you know, because, uh I lost him.
What? How could you let that happen? I don't know! I was, you know, taking him for a walk, he jumped up, knocked me over, and just bolted.
Sheldon, he only weighs nine pounds! Well, you know how orphans are deceptively strong with a chip on their shoulder.
I entrusted that dog to you.
This is so irresponsible! Hey, you're the one that gave a dog to a guy looking for a pawn shop.
Danny? What's wrong? This guy behind me's kicking my seat.
Maybe one of us should say something.
I'll take care of it.
That is a large man! You know what? Why don't we just trade seats? I find vibrations incredibly soothing.
Never mind.
I'll just find an usher.
No, no I'll deal with this.
Excuse me, sir.
Sorry to bother you, but would you mind not kicking my girlfriend's chair? Jeez, I'm sorry.
My bad.
Oh.
No problem! Thank you.
Aw, my hero.
Did you just wink at that guy? What? No, I just Oh, you know what? Popcorn butter in my eye.
Yeah.
What the hell, Kim? Did you guys plan this out ahead of time for my benefit? Uh No, I I just think he's cute! So what'd she do, buy you popcorn? Goobers.
I was just trying to make you feel better! So your plan to fix my self-esteem was to pay a guy to pretend to be scared of me.
Everything sounds stupid when you summarize it.
Do you two mind? You're giving Noodles an anxiety attack.
You know, it does occasionally bear repeating that you guys do, in fact, still have your own homes.
Oh, I can't take him to my place.
He's not potty trained.
Yeah.
I know.
He left me a little treat behind the couch.
Hey! He's not constipated anymore.
I thought you were gonna give the dog back.
Can't believe you still haven't slept with this woman.
Well, uh, those plans have changed.
Turns out she was gonna give Noodles away to some complete strangers, so I told her I lost him.
Sheldon, do you realize what just happened? You gave up sex for a dog.
Good God on a gravy train you're right.
It's like there was this emptiness that existed inside of me that I didn't even know about until Noodles came along and filled it.
Aw.
That is so sweet.
That, and he's a major pantie-melter down at the dog park.
I hate to say it, Sheldon, but you can't keep this dog, okay? You're gonna have to take him back and face the music.
Says the guy who can't seem to break up with a weatherman.
I'll have you know I marched right up to Storm this afternoon, looked him right in the eyes, and invited him over to hang out with us.
I think I got lost in his eyes.
Seriously, Ryan? I don't wanna see that guy tonight.
He is such a phony.
Hey-hey! How are ya? Hey, Danny.
Hey, listen, Ryan told me about the time you got caught in the rain, so I brought you a little peace offering.
"Storm worthy.
" Clever.
Yeah, I know.
I came up with it.
Sadly, that's my last umbrella, but I have galoshes for the rest of you.
You like men who wear rubbers? Okay, that is it.
Danny, it's okay.
No, it's not.
You know what, Storm? There are people in this room who feel I have a problem standing up for myself.
Now, I'm not gonna name names That would be all of us.
But enough is enough.
That is my girlfriend, and you do not get to talk to her like that.
And here's another thing none of us wanna hang out with you! You're obnoxious, your cologne stinks, and you are terrible at your job! Oh, my God You are so mean! You know what? You are not Storm worthy.
Cloudy today.
Of course.
High of I dunno.
Let's say teens.
I think you broke him.
I didn't mean to ruin his life.
Well, I'm sure he's doing better than he looks.
Is he drinking beer? You think I should call him? No! You have done enough damage.
I will handle this.
Hail in Florida, so the oranges are all gonna die.
Lucky oranges.
Excuse me? Is this the right theatre for "Look Who's Barking"? All right, little buddy.
Now, listen, you're gonna see a lot of talking animals in this movie, but I don't want you to feel inadequate.
It's just really, really good special effects.
Sheldon? Katie! What are you doing here? I know one of the dogs in the movie.
To be honest, he's gotten a little full of himself.
Ah.
Any sign of Noodles? N-N-No, nothing yet.
Not a thing.
Actually, I'm a little broken up over the whole thing.
What's under your jacket? Well, if you didn't break up with me, you'd know.
It's moving.
Well, I bet you're regretting it now.
Sheldon, you're clearly hiding something.
And I think you're seeing things.
You know what? We're leav I mean, I'm leaving.
Clearly, I'm here by myself.
Noodles! I knew it.
Look, I can explain.
You lied to me and told me you lost the dog so that you could keep it! Okay, so no need to explain, then.
Look, I'm sorry, it's just I I got so attached to the little fella.
The family I had lined up to adopt him adopted another dog.
Now I have to start the whole process all over again.
Wait! No, no, no! Let me adopt him.
I'll take good care of him.
I'll feed him.
I'll give him a great home.
No expenses spared.
The adoption fee is $800.
Goodbye, little buddy.
Don't talk about yourself like that, okay? You are not a failure.
It's my fault.
I act like a jerk so people will like me.
What do you do to get them to hate you? I sleep with their wives.
Look, you don't know what it's like to be Storm Chambers, all right? Everyone expects me to be "on," to be "cool," to be unnaturally handsome, even in person.
And yeah, I'm all those things and more.
But it's a lot of pressure.
Yeah, but Storm, what do you care what my brothers and I think? You must have tons of friends.
Who? Hollywood phonies? Runway models? I mean, sure, I've had hundreds and hundreds of sexual partners, but no real friendships.
No one actually likes me for who I am.
Oh, I'm sorry, what was that part after "hundreds and hundreds of sexual partners?" I mean, it was fun for a while, but then I realized there's this emptiness in my life that I never knew was there.
And I don't know how to fill it.
You know, I think I have an idea.
And looking ahead to the weekend, Walter the Weather Dog tells me we're seeing a warming trend! Isn't that right, Walter? Walter says, "No bones about it!" I had that dog for three days and he never said a word.
I don't know if you guys noticed it or not, but that dog had a horrible gas problem.
- That wasn't the dog.
- I took a shot.
How about you, Ryan? Are you sure you're not gonna miss Storm too much? My days of hero worship are over.
Hey! Isn't that that guy from the used car commercials? Jungle Jim Peterson? That guy will not be undersold.
Pfft.
Jungle Jim Peterson.
What's that guy got that I don't got? You wanna start that again? Screw Storm Chambers and his stupid little weather dog.
So he didn't call for "rover"-cast skies? What happened to your umbrella? It's about as reliable as his forecasts.
Hey! I'll see you guys later.
I'm going to the car lot.
Jungle Jim says I can inflate the Giant Gorilla.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!