Package Deal (2013) s02e07 Episode Script

Two Half Men

Then the guy standing next to us at the art gallery says, "I prefer Kandinsky to Dali.
" So then Chelsea says "Kandinsky? Who else do you like Rothko?" Wow.
How'd you keep a straight face? It was really hard.
Well, it sounds like this Chelsea girl is a lot of fun, Ryan.
Oh yeah, Chelsea's great.
I mean, we have we have tons of chemistry.
Do tell.
What kind of experiments have you two been performing between the sheets? Actually, we haven't quite made it between the sheets yet.
And you're still dating her? You know, it's hard to believe we're related.
There is nothing wrong with taking it slow.
Exactly.
You guys took it slow, right? Absolutely.
Oh, yeah.
Just for the record, though you and Chelsea have gotten to first base, right? Of course, we've been to first base.
First base is kissing, right? Kissing's not even baseball.
It's more like rowing or tennis.
You know, the stupid sports.
Look, you guys are missing the point.
Chelsea and I are taking the time to get to know one another on a deeper level, okay? We share a lot of things besides sex.
Sounds like you share a lot of things instead of sex.
Look, I mean, she's smart.
She's sophisticated.
And you know what they say the biggest sexual organ is between your ears.
Oh, my God it's been so long, he doesn't remember how to do it anymore.
So, is this a social visit, or are you in trouble with the law? I'm in trouble with the law.
Oh.
Oh, it's not a huge thing.
I'm just in a bit of a pickle.
How big of a pickle? Smaller than a dill, bigger than a gherkin.
My license got suspended.
Tell me what happened.
I was speeding down the parkway Allegedly.
I got pulled over for going a 90 in a 40 zone Allegedly.
and the cop wanted to give me a ticket, so I flashed him.
Alle I'm sorry, what? I did this.
Stop! I know what flashing is.
Why would you do that? Because it gets me out of tickets.
Except this time.
The cop was obviously gay.
Do I wanna know what happened next? I told him he was obviously gay.
For some reason, that got him madder.
I guess I can look into it for you.
But you cannot talk about this with anyone else.
First rule of criminal defense is, "never admit to anything.
" Got it.
You're not going to tell Kim about this, are you? She gets all uptight when I break the law.
I can't tell Kim.
Communications between lawyers and their clients are privileged.
So everything I tell you is confidential? Yeah, anything you say stays between us.
This one time, when I was a teenager? I made out with my cousin.
I don't mean second or third cousin, either.
I'm talkin' firsties.
Excuse me.
How long do you think a man and a woman should wait before having sex? Should they wait two weeks, two days, or by the time I finish this drink? Depends.
Are we talking about a mature man, or some overgrown frat boy? Well, why don't we tap the kegger and talk about it? You realize you don't even know my name.
Do I need to? Not really.
But you could buy me a drink.
Do I need to? Not really.
Ugh.
Great.
I see it still stinks in here.
Yeah, sweaty Pete stopped by.
You'd think a guy that sweats that much would stop drinking hot tea.
It's that new barbecue restaurant next door.
They park in my spot, they use my dumpster, and their ventilation system pumps that meat stink right into my store.
On the upside, their pulled pork is outstanding.
So I hear.
They're obviously ignoring my strongly worded letter.
Yeah, I mean, who wouldn't feel threatened by words like "please," "thank you," and "if it wouldn't be too much trouble?" If they would read between the lines, they would see that I was being passive-aggressive.
You should let me handle it Chicago-style.
All I need is a thousand bucks and a shovel.
Or I can go over there and handle it Kim-style polite but firm.
Gotta hand it to ya.
You pick something that doesn't work for you, and you stick with it.
You ordered a pulled pork sandwich? Shh! My boss will kill me if she sees you in here.
Go! What the hell? I'm sorry, it's just so good.
I think it's the sauce.
Someone smashed into my car! It must've been those barbecue jerks! Oh, those bastards.
Those juicy, tasty sandwich bastards.
I bet you this was payback for that letter I sent.
They broke my side mirror right off! I'm going to go write them such a letter, and I'm not even gonna say, "thank you!" Pfft.
Uh, my boobs are clearly larger than they appear.
Okay there we go.
Calm down.
Drink your wine.
Mm.
Wine! Yummers.
I'm not a crazy person, Danny.
I just need to figure out how to lower the fist of vengeance on my new enemies.
Well, you know what they say.
Nothing says "not crazy" like a fit of biblical rage.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
How's things going with Chelsea? Oh, amazing.
She's actually gonna be here in a few minutes.
Ooh! So we finally get to meet Chel-Chel.
What? I'm just trying to think of a new nickname for her.
Oh, ho ho here's a nickname.
Don't.
So I guess things are getting pretty serious between you two.
Yeah.
As a matter of fact I'm thinking about popping the question.
You mean? Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna ask her permission to discuss our relationship in therapy.
Wow, that is serious.
So any movement on the ol' physical front? Danny! That is none of our business.
But if you feel comfortable talking about it, spill.
No, we haven't had sex, but you know what? I like that she's old-fashioned.
I'm willing to wait as long as she wants, and I don't care who knows it.
Except for Sheldon.
He's super mean.
Well, Danny, Kim Turtle.
And I call him "Turtle" because his sex life moves at a snail's pace.
Well, Ryan, it looks like I win.
The other night, I had phenomenal sex with a hot chick within half an hour of saying "hello.
" Oh, and I didn't even get her name.
Pay up.
I never made any bet with you.
Besides, you do that every week.
Yeah, you're right.
I guess I do.
Well, a little anonymous sex never hurt anyone, right? Pretty sure that's not true.
Can we please talk about this another time? Or never again? Chelsea's here.
Chelsea! Hi! This is the gang.
- Hey.
- How are you? Sweet Junebugs on a hot summer night! Nice to meet you stranger.
Listen, woman, what the hell? You're dating my brother? I didn't know he was your brother! You guys are very different.
You are I know smarter, sexier, taller.
Yes, yes, yes.
It's not easy for him.
It's okay! I haven't had sex with him.
So what do you say? Wanna meet up for Round Two in about an hour? Uh, there's not gonna be a Round Two.
What? Why not? Hello? My brother, Ryan? He's more important to me than filthy, nameless sex.
Don't look so sad.
We're always gonna have that magical night in the back of my truck behind the taco place.
So it was me and some Wall Street big shots, playing an epic game of Truth or Dare, and next thing you know the sub-prime mortgage crisis.
Can you please just sign here? It feels really amazing to get all this off my chest.
Yes, because you're usually so discreet.
This is different.
You don't judge me.
It's a safe place.
Like a warm blanket, or the inside of a bottle of vodka.
Nikki I'm glad you feel free to share your deepest, darkest, most truly disturbing secrets with me.
Aw, that's sweet.
But I think you're missing the point of attorney-client privilege.
Maybe you should just talk to a friend, like Kim, or anyone but me.
Oh! Speaking of Kim, funny story I'm the one who smashed her car.
Hang on.
That was you? She thinks it was the barbecue place next door.
Nikki, you have to tell her! I can't.
I don't know if you noticed, Danny, but she's pretty pissed off about it.
So, uh how are things? Good.
You? Good! Good.
Things at home are good? Like at my apartment? Like with anyone who might be spending time at your apartment.
My cleaning lady? Well, we did have a recent spat over the fabric softener, but I think we're past that.
Ryan, I'm asking about your lady friend.
Oh, yeah.
Bad news.
I ended that.
You did? Oh, no, that's horrible.
Please tell me more.
We always had so much to talk about, but things went downhill really fast.
I mean, she was tense and distracted, like she had all this pent-up frustration.
So it's done now? Yup.
It's a fait accompli.
We're donezo.
Oh.
Good.
I mean bad, but in a good way.
I suppose.
So if you guys, you know, are 100% completely done then it'd be okay for maybe me to ask her out? What, are you nuts? She's not your type.
What's that supposed to mean? I mean she's cultured.
She likes fine wine and good books, not downing a six pack and doing it in the back of your truck out behind a burger place.
Uh, it was a taco place.
Wait a second.
What are you saying? Did you already go out with her? It was before I knew you were dating her.
But as soon as I found out, I ended it.
And it's the same girl? You're sure? Loves opera, abstract impressionism And being spanked.
Very same girl.
I don't get this.
Why would she wait to have sex with me but not you? Ryan, now is not the time for stupid questions.
The important thing is that Chelsea and I can now pursue a relationship of meaningless sex.
You know what? Fine.
You have my blessing.
She's obviously not the girl I thought she was anyway.
Oh, thanks, Ryan.
Because I gotta tell ya, the sex we had Oh, I think we're done here.
If you're not gonna pay, then you're gonna pay.
That flesh peddler is denying it! Please tell me you're not at war with a pimp.
Yeah, trust me, that never ends well.
No, I'm talking about the owner of the barbecue place.
"I didn't hit your car.
Nope, you have no proof.
" Sounds like someone doesn't understand how the law works.
Actually, it sounds like he understands it pretty well.
You know, maybe we should just let this one go, huh? Isn't living well the best revenge? No.
The best revenge is murder.
They broke the side mirror off your car, Kim.
They didn't wipe out your whole family.
Yeah, well, they're gonna have to pay somehow.
An eye for an eye.
Again, not how the law works.
What are you doing? The guy next door is innocent.
Oh, I see, he's innocent just because he didn't do anything.
Suppose that makes sense.
You have to tell her! I can't.
My lawyer advised me to never admit to anything.
Oh, I love how the dying fire mirrored the end of their love.
What did you think of the movie? I think if God had wanted us to read, he would have made movies books.
Look what are we doing here? We're on a date.
Yeah, but why? Think of it as foreplay.
Do you like opera? Not since she got her own network.
So sex? I can't just "do it.
" I need a little romance first an art gallery, some good food, some interesting conversation.
We never did that before.
No me and Ryan did.
Oh so Ryan's lighting the fuse and I'm firing the cannon.
What was that? I was just saying, in your movie, the whole battle scene when everything spiraled Oh, forget it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, where are you going? I'm going to talk to Ryan about something totally unrelated to us, obviously.
Okay, well, will you call me later? Maybe.
Depends on how things go with Ryan.
Regular sugar? Don't you have anything sustainably grown? What do you need sugar for? There's a lot of reasons.
There's tea, there's coffee, and pouring it into someone's gas tank.
So you're okay with vandalism, but your sugar needs to be fair trade.
They may have won the battle, I'm gonna win the bigger battle.
You mean "the war?" That's even better.
It wasn't the barbecue place! They didn't hit your car! How do you know? Because it was me.
It was you? Why didn't you tell me? Why does it matter? Okay? Mystery solved.
I am so sorry.
But there's no damage to your car.
To the what now? You're hiding something.
Wha? Wha? Wha? Yeah I can tell you're lying 'cause you're making that gaspy "wha? wha?" sound.
Wha? Okay, fine! I know who hit your car.
But I have a very good reason for not telling you.
It was one of your brothers! Why would I cover for my brothers? Because I already don't get along with them, and you're afraid this would just add fuel to the fire.
Actually, that's pretty good reasoning.
You know what? Tell Sheldon he's in a lot of trouble.
What makes you think it was Sheldon? Only Sheldon would be a big enough jerk to hit my car and try to get away with it.
Again, I cannot fault your logic.
So that's it, then? It was Sheldon.
Okay, fine it was Sheldon.
Come on, just take Chelsea out a few more times, huh? For me.
No, okay? Look, it's weird.
Just do it! - Make me! - Okay! Ouch! Ow! Come on! This might have worked when I was 10, but I'm a grown man now Ow-ow-ow! Hey, hey! Guys, hey! Come on, Ryan, just do it.
It could work.
It did work! When both of us were dating Chelsea, she was happy, I was happy, Mr.
Happy was happy! I wasn't happy! Oh, why is it always about you? No, no, guys, guys! Stop! Just stop! Grow up and act like adults! Fine.
Thank you.
Sheldon, I need you to pretend you hit Kim's car.
But I didn't.
I know you didn't.
I just need you to say you did and that you didn't bother to tell her.
Well, now, that does sound like something I would do.
Wait a minute.
Why am I doing this? I can't explain.
Just trust me, okay? I will pay for the damage.
You just need to pretend the money is yours.
Don't worry.
I got your back, bro.
Because that's what some brothers do.
They get their other brother's back.
All right, fine! I'll take Chelsea out again.
But you're paying for the date, and I'm getting the steak, the shrimp and the blueberry confit.
The ol' surf, turf and smurf.
Well-played, my friend.
Danny, looks like I'm gonna need a little more repair money.
You're a couple hundred short.
I thought it was an old beater! How much could it be? I drive a brand-new hybrid.
Figures only you would drive a car that runs on sunshine and hugs.
Sheldon what color is my car? You know, the one that you hit? Red! It's silver.
Reddish-silver.
You didn't hit my car, did you? Okay, well, I guess the jig's up.
Can I take off now, buddy? For someone who lies so much, you'd think you'd be better at it.
Why did you get him to lie to me, hmm? Who are you protecting? Is it Ryan? Oh, please.
Like Ryan would park anywhere near a dumpster.
It's true.
So if it wasn't you and it wasn't you and it wasn't Ryan there's only one other person it could possibly be.
Nikki? Did you hit my car? Oh, what, you're gonna pin this on me just 'cause no else could've possibly have done it? Then fine! You know, I guess I did do it! Seriously, though, I did.
So you hit my car and let someone else take the fall for it? That is exactly what I would expect from you.
I'm sorry.
Just didn't want you to be mad at me.
Great! Now that we've solved that problem, who wants ice cream? Not so fast.
Why are you protecting her? It's not his fault.
Danny's my lawyer.
Why do you need a criminal lawyer? It's not a huge thing.
I just got in an altercation with a gay cop allegedly.
No, you did.
And then this came up, and I couldn't say anything due to attorney-client privilege.
It's pretty awesome.
Best money I never spent.
Wait a minute.
You do know I'm not doing this for free? All right, I'll show you the girls.
Pro-bono will be fine.
No, no, no.
A deal's a deal.
Better pay the man.
I still don't think we're spending enough money.
I think we should order another couple mains.
So I watched this fascinating documentary Yeah, movies are fun.
Ooh, chipotle chicken quesadilla.
Is something wrong? You seem kind of distant.
And hungry.
It's just look, there's something I don't get.
Why would you wait to have sex with me, but be willing to just jump right into bed with Sheldon? Oh, Ryan it's not like that at all.
It isn't? Phew.
I feel much better now.
Yeah.
Truth is, I was never going to have sex with you.
Well, that was short-lived.
You satisfy me emotionally, intellectually.
You are like the main course.
And Sheldon is dessert.
Oh, so I'm like an old plate of whitefish, and Sheldon is a delicious eclair.
Mm more like a lump of fudge.
But yes.
Together, you make the perfect man.
You mean you were just using me for my personality? It's not that simple.
Oh, it's that simple, sister! Yeah! No, this was all just a come-on so you could get your cheap thrills discussing music, poetry and the early films of Francois Truffaut.
Wham, bam, thank you, thoughtful, intelligent man.
Can we just I will say good day to you, miss.
But I said good day.
Hey, baby.
Listen, now that Ryan's stimulated your frontal lobe, why don't we work out your limbic system? Goodbye, Sheldon.
What the hell did you do? Get this! According to Chelsea, we were each just half a man! So? That's twice the man I usually am.
Sorry, buddy.
I had to end it, okay? For us.
I don't know.
This hurts.
I'm gonna need time to heal.
You want a shrimp plate? And I'm healed.
Come on, you can tell me.
What other things has Nikki done? Kim, I told you, I can't say anything.
Attorney-client privilege applies in perpetuity.
Whatever.
Did she ever steal a car? I can't say.
Did she ever rob a bank? I can't say.
Was she involved in the sub-prime mortgage crisis? I can't say.
Here you go, Kim.
Picked up your car from the shop, had it washed and waxed, and I even shampooed the floor mats myself.
Aw, thank you, Nikki.
So am I out of the doghouse now? Yes.
Good.
Oh, by the way, someone accidentally broke the knob off your car stereo.
Someone? Was it you? Just because I picked up your car, and I was the only one that drove it, you think it was me? It was me.