Packed to the Rafters (2008) s03e04 Episode Script
A Good Husband
(OH YEAH BY YELLO PLAYS) Oh, yeah Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah The moon B eautiful Oh, yeah Chika-chikahhh! BEN: (NARRATES) Not looking too bad "for a married man.
I'm.
.
.
man'ied.
How weird does that sound? Seriously - I'm a husband who hasa wife.
A sexy wife who's waiting in bed for me right now.
And I know exactly what's expected of a good husband.
Hey.
Have I ever told you how hot you are? And there they were, out of the blue - the words I didn't expect to hear for at least another 40 years.
Not tonight, Ben.
I've got a really bad headache.
I know that sounds like a line, but I've just had a hell of a day at work, so OK.
Oh, get a room, you two! Yeah, says the newlywed.
Like you and Mel aren't going at it like rabbits.
âOoohoooh Oh, Mel" So, we'll be down at the Boat Club later on to finish up that job.
Uhyeah, OK.
Everything alright? What Rachel just said, the rabbits thing.
It's about more than that, yeah? Uh Being married? It's not just aboutgoing for it? I mean, I know that's part of it, but it's not everything.
No.
It's not.
Like, when you and Mum were first married how often did you you know.
Oh.
Ohuh Well, mate, I think that's different for everyone.
There's nono real quota system.
That all depends on what's happening in your life.
When Jules and I got married, we'd already had Rachel and a baby means not too much action for a while.
Which is probably why I'm not the one you should be talking to right now.
Is there a problem? No.
No, it'sjust a a future reference sort of thing.
Alright.
I've got some invoices to do, so Yeah, yeah, no worries.
Like I said, it's not as if it's an issue.
Do you think it's an issue? Mate, there's no set rule for this sort of thing.
What you got to remember Yeah, I know, everyone's different.
And you can never believe what anyone says.
Not when it comes to the bedroom.
Yeah, it's justyou hear about those couples who've been married for ages, and then suddenly realise they haven't had sex for five years.
And if they're happy with that, does it matter? Is this a senior moment? Do I really need to spell that one out for you? How many times do you think your grandmother and I had sex the last few years of our marriage? Mental health seriously at risk here! I could count it on two hands.
You're kidding! You guys - you were Really happy.
And I wouldn't swap those last few years for anything.
That's my point - it's not about a number.
Being a good husband is about how much you care, not about how many times a night you can do it.
Is this some kind of a survey? No, it's.
.
.
I'm just interested, that's all.
There's no problem.
It's about putting your wife's needs before your own.
I know, Dad.
Emotional, not just physical.
Thank you.
And romance, that's the key.
That's what I keep telling him.
When Jules and Iyou know, again Dad, please.
And I'm not putting her under any pressure, but when we doit's gonna be TED: Romantic! DAVE: Yes.
OK.
I get the point.
Thank you.
Loud and clear.
Hey, Mac! Walla-walla-wa-wincha! You see that'? Yep.
He looked at me like I was a freak.
It's a weird way to talk to someone you barely know.
I'm yesterday's news, mate.
I'm finished.
I mean, it wasn't even 15 minutes of fame.
It was more like6.
5.
I nowhere near made the most of it.
I didn't think it was gonna be over so soon.
You and me both.
What? Honeymoon period.
I thought it was never going to end.
Oh.
I need to do something for Mel.
Something that's really gonna knock her socks off.
What sort of something? Like stuff they do in the movies.
Not those sort of movies, Carbo.
What's the most romantic thing you guys can think of? You guys are useless.
I don't really think I'm an expert on this.
What sort of loser doesn't even get 15 minutes of fame'? Walla-walla-loser.
Ruby's asleep.
So I know you're due at work Yeah, already running late.
You could tell Jake to get started.
You'll be there soon.
Where's Ted? Gone to get the paper.
He'll probably stay for a coffee.
So we've got 15 minutes? Better than nothing.
What? What? oh, it's just Just not very special, rushing like this.
What? (RUBY owes) Hold that thought.
I'm holding.
Coming! You gonna be home late tonight? Hopefully not.
Depends how busy we are.
I should go.
I wanna drop in and see Sammy on the way.
You still worried about her? I can't help it.
She's not her old self.
I hope she doesn't freak when I tell her you know.
Is that what you were thinking about last night? Ben Are you upset with me? Just 'cause there's one time I don't feel like it, it doesn't mean there's something wrong.
This is really bothering you, isn't it? No.
Not at all.
I'm justjust checking.
That's all.
Seriously, that's all it was.
Anyway, I was thinking, how about I cook us some dinner tonight? Putting takeaway on plates is sort of like making it.
It sounds perfect.
I should be home around 7:00.
See you later.
Oi.
Hey.
Oh.
O.
oh! I! Sorry.
Stay back, I stink.
See ya.
Yes, you do! See ya.
Yo! Hey, you guys have to get out of the house tonight.
I want it to be just me and Mel.
You've got a door on your bedroom, Ben.
Use that.
No arguments! I'm serious.
Tonight is just the two of us.
I'm keeping the romance alive.
Good plan.
Thank you.
Says the marriage expert.
Do you want one? Sure.
(SIGHS) You OK'? Yeah, justhad a couple of drinks last night, that's all.
How about you jump in the shower and I'll make the coffee? Umyeah, OK.
I'll just be a sec.
I have to tell you something and I'm scared you'll be mad at me.
But can I just say, first up, it's not gonna be a problem, I swear.
You've told Nathan.
No, no, no.
But I have told Ben.
Mel! He won't say anything, I promise.
Well, what if he does'? No, he won't.
I trusted you! I cannot believe that you I don't want to fight with you! Nathan still has no idea you're in Sydney.
But sooner or later, he'll (PHONE BEEPS) (SIGHS) Hello? Yeah, thanks for calling back.
This afternoon? Um Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can see him then.
OK.
That was just my lawyer's office.
Lawyer? Divorce lawyer.
Don't I just love those words.
I'm so glad that I can apply them to my life.
It's just what I always wanted, really.
I know you know this, but I just have to say it.
Alcohol won't be helping right now.
Have you thought about talking to someone about all of this? What, a shrink? Well, there's a psychologist I know ofby reputation, and she's meant to be fantastic.
Yeah, well, I don't need to sit on some random's couch.
No, it's not like And I don't need someone I thought was my friend coming around here patronising me.
Fine.
I'll leave you to it.
But seriously, just think about it.
It's not wrong to ask for help.
So you guys reckon you'll be finished today'? Oh, sorry.
Forgot about that.
Forgot'? Mate, should we be worried'? BEN: It's for a magazine shoot.
You reckon you can work around them? I think we'll find a way to cope.
Yeah, not that we'd even think about looking, eh? Not for a second.
Enjoy.
(YOU SEXY THING BY HOT CHOCOLATE PLAYS) I believe in miracles Where you from, you sexy thing? Sexy thing, you I believe in miracles Since you came along You sexy thing Got a bit of a fan there, mate.
It's not me she's looking at, sugar daddy.
Come off it.
Not exactly into subtlety, is she? Look, it's a bit of a change from bum-pinching geriatrics.
Yeah.
Not a bad one, either.
BEN: Not looking was proving hard "harder than Dad could have imagined.
You alright, mate? Yeah.
Just looking forum this.
Just trying to It was like being 14 again and back on the school bus.
You know, you're sitting there and you've got the vibrations and then suddenly, it's like away it goes! A mind of its own! (LAUGHS) Is that it? You had enough laughing? Are you done yet'? No, I haven't even started, darling.
And, hey, for the record, you should be happy that I'm laughing.
A lot of wives wouldn't think this is very funny.
She wasn't even that attractive! Oh, please! No, she wasn't! She looked like she needed to eat a whole lot of lamb chops.
Anyway, it's your fault.
That she needed to eat lamb chops'? No, because you got my mind on it this morning.
And how you managed to resist, I've no idea! Well, buggerlugs put paid to that.
Is there anything wrong with wanting more than five minutes? At this point, we have to take what we can get! Dad, don't you have to do something with Friend Finders tomorrow night? Yeah, double feature at the pictures, then a late supper.
Oh Who said old farts don't know how to party? So, if Rachel goes out with Jake, we'll have the place to ourselves.
We'll make a night of it.
I'll cook lamb chops.
And I'll keep everything crossed that Ruby stays asleep.
Is it a date? Hell, yeah! Ah! Oh! Till tomorrow.
BEN: Dad wasn't the only good husband getting his hopes up.
Is Nathan home? No.
We got the place to ourselves.
First she dumps the biggest secret ever on me then attacks me for trying to help.
Who? Sammy.
I know she's having a hard time but it's not fair.
And her hangover didn't help.
I'm guessing she knows I know'? Yeah, not happy.
And not in a good place at all.
Compared to her, Nathan is doing fine.
Hey, come here.
Come here.
She'll come round.
She just needs some time.
Yeah, how much time? We can't sit on this forever.
Oh, that is great! You've got takeaway.
I can smell it.
Waiting to go, whenever you're ready.
I ran you a bath too.
Oh, you're the best.
You wanna go and have your bath and then some dinner? Yes.
A bath is just what I need.
And then I'm going to get into something more comfortable.
(SIGHS) What? Oh, it's just when you said âsomething more comfortable" How was your bath? Perfect.
Just what I needed.
Sorry about before.
I just came in and vented all over you.
What are husbands for'? I spent the whole day thinking about Sammy.
Well, you can let that go now.
Yeah, I guess so.
Thank you so much for going to all this trouble.
I didn't get a chance to scratch myself today.
So you were saying you were tired? Mmm.
Like, really, really tired? Sorry.
I wish I was better at turning my brain off.
It isn't my brain I wish I could turn off.
I brought up the idea of Sammy going to see someone.
A psychologist.
But she took it the wrong way.
Sorry, I need to stop talking about it.
Grandad was right.
A good husband performs in all rooms of the house, not just the bedroom.
Talk about it as much as you like.
Really? Just over dinner, I swear.
I'll bring it in.
Now it was me who had a headache.
RACHEL: (ON PHONE) OK, what's he like'? Spunk? He's not here yet.
Mum's vacuumed the house three times.
She's nervous.
She's not the only one.
What if I don't like him? Why wouldn't you? What if he's a freak? Give Grace some credit.
Like she got it so right with Dad.
OK.
Good point.
Can you come over? No.
I'm not gonna gatecrash your mum's date.
And I told you - I've got heaps of work to get through.
Bring your computer.
Work here.
Please? Hang on.
Jake, is this OK'? Great.
Great.
You sure? Yeah? She's changed more times than she's vacuumed.
Jake You've gotta come over, please! OK, OK.
I'm coming over.
You happy? Alright, I'll be there soon.
Bye.
Jake's meeting Grace's new boyfriend tonight for the first time and he's very, very nervous, so I think I'm gonna go over there and make sure he doesn't get all protective and stuff things up.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's a really good idea.
Are you going to stay there overnight? Dunno.
I'll let you know if I am.
See ya! Thanks.
OK.
Bye.
Sorry I can't stay for dinner.
So, how about the date for tomorrow night, we move up to tonight? Mmm.
Looks like I'll be heading down the club tonight.
Ohh Oh! Oh, sorry, Dad.
Would you mind? After dinner.
She's obviously going through some anger stage and I'm a safe person to take it out on.
Still, it's not fair to shoot the messenger.
Maybe I'll just text her the number of the psychologist and then it's up to her.
Yeah, but you can't force that sort of thing on people.
I know.
But I really think it might help her.
I think you're caught up in this enough.
I gotta say, it feels weird being around Nathan.
It's like I'm watching everything I say for fear of spilling something.
(DOOR OPENS) You're back.
How was the pub? Dud band, dud crowd.
Well, there's other pubs.
No way, I'm stuffed.
Still Hey, leave the plates.
If you're tired, you should go to bed.
I'll take care of them.
Ohthank you.
I'll see you guys tomorrow.
'Night.
What are you guys doing back? Keep your hair on.
Not like much was happening.
She's got a lot on her mind.
What, work stuff'? Something like that.
Maybe the problem is you're not taking it far enough.
I mean, OK, dinner's nice, but in terms of a big, passionate statement Mmm.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe to be romantic, I've got to go way over the top.
Hey, I can do you a deal with some flowers.
Just had a big order cancelled for a funeral today.
How does anyone cancel a funeral? Was the guy not dead anymore? No, no, no.
There's a funeral, just no flowers.
The rellies found out they got left out of the will.
White lilies.
Beautiful.
Nothing says romance like a dead man's cancelled flowers.
Nah, it's gotta be bigger than that, anyway.
Everybody does flowers.
You could at least try leaving the house.
Then there's less chance of Mel ending up in her trackie daks.
True.
Or take her hot-air ballooning.
This guy once organised that for one of Sammy's girlfriends.
Apparently she was 'grateful' for months.
Grateful? Very appreciative.
You know, that's not such a dumb idea.
We could go at sunset.
Oooh.
Yeah.
It'd be perfect.
And then we come home and Mel would be Grateful! Grateful! Grateful! You shouldn't do yourself down on the old 'marriage expert' thing.
It's a good idea.
Hey, we could help old Benno out.
What do you mean? We can have the most romantic surprise Mel's ever had in her life waiting for her right here.
At home! What are you talking about? We got the rest.
Don't we, Nath? Uhyep.
Yes.
BEN: Thanks, mate.
Nathan! What? That's a terrible idea.
Shhh! Keep it down, OK'? No, it's not.
Have some faith.
I have absolute faith that it's a terrible idea.
It's a little bit retro, isn't it, Carbo? It's not retro, it's classic.
Some things never go out of style.
I thinkjust leave it to Ben.
If he does the hot-air ballooning, it'll probably be enough.
In fact, I'm sure it'll be enough.
Anyway, I'm going to bed.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Hey! Tula.
Yeah, it's me.
Yeah, listen.
No, no.
Look, shhh.
I got a mate.
He's having a few problems in the bedroom.
Yeah, yeah.
Nah.
A mate.
And I thought you could help me out.
Hi! Thank you.
There's something really suss about the guy.
You make him sound like a serial killer.
How do we know he's not? Oh, hi, Rachel! Hi, Grace! I'm sorry to barge in like this.
I need to talk to Jake about some stuff for work.
No, that's fine.
Come in.
My friend Doug's here.
I'm just watching a movie with him.
Oh.
So, Doug.
Mum tells me you've been married before.
That's right.
Didn't work out, then? Jake, I've told you all of this.
No, it's OK.
I'm fine with it.
We're divorced.
It wasn't easy.
But we managed to stay friends.
Best for the kids that way.
The kids? Yeah, two.
They're great.
Handling it really well.
So how did you and your ex-wife meet? Was she one of your staff as well? Jake! Umwould anyone like a drink? I'll get them.
I'll give you a hand.
Are you right?! There's something about him.
He's just He's too smooth.
Oh, please! You heard him! What? He's into rental DVDs, he likes bushwalking and he knows a lot about cleaning products.
He's a regular lounge lizard, Jake.
Anyway, listen.
It does not matter what we think.
Your mum really likes him.
Don't stuff this up for her.
Don't.
That'll be another beer for you, mate.
No, it's alright.
Thanks, mate.
Jakeyou've no need to worry.
My intentions are honourable.
BEN: While Jake was grappling with being a good son, Dad was ticking all the boxes in the 'good husband' checklist.
She is finally asleep! We have the most well-behaved daughter in the world.
You sure you're ready? What part of this makes you think I'm not? Just because there was an incident today Oh, is that what we're calling it? You shouldn't feel pressured.
I don't at all.
(DOOR OPENS) Mmm? It must be Dad.
He must have forgotten something.
RACHEL: Hey, Mum! Or the other daughter, not so well-behaved.
JULESI Hello! Hi! I thought you were staying at Jake's tonight.
We were.
Yeah, till Jake glassed Doug.
Then things got a bit awkward.
So, we thought No, Rachel thought.
It was best to give Grace and her friend a bit of space.
Oh.
How nice for them.
Who's up for a DVD? Now'? Yeah, it's apparently very funny.
Oh, yeah, no, your father and I are about to turn in.
No, the review of this said it's a real cracker.
Dave.
.
.
The 40-Year-Old Virgin.
We'll get it started.
JAKE: I thought you had work to do.
JULES: Hey, what are you doing? They're here now.
We can't kick them out.
We don't have to watch it.
Come to bed.
I'm not going to hide in our room! RACHEL: It's about to start.
Coming? No! BEN: But unlike Dad, at least I had a plan in place.
And I was expecting big returns on my investment.
If all goes to plan, this time tomorrow, Melissa would be .
.
grateful.
And I'd be 'husband of the year'.
Who would have thought there is a world outside my lounge room'? God, do you have any idea how much I've missed you? RACHEL: Does someone have the 12-step program on speed-dial'? Oh, shut up.
I'm not even a little bit tipsy.
No-one gets drunk on half a glass.
They do if they haven't touched the stuff in a year! Or overtired from sleep deprivation Yeah, anyway, here's to Ruby's first pub lunch.
(ALL TOAST) And here's to Mum! RACHEL: Yay, Mummy! Oh, thanks, darling.
Yes, to me! To reclaiming my life! Absolutely! Here's to leaving the house on a regular basis! (ALL CHEER) And here's to having sex again some time before I die.
No, no.
Your father doesn't want me anymore.
Oh, come on, Jules.
You know that's not the case.
Why don't you just throw me down on the bed, then, and have your wicked way with me? Suddenly, I'm not hungry anymore.
Let me take that from you.
Go ahead.
It's your fault, anyway! We were good to go when you two interrupted! Wow! You didn't have to watch the movie.
I told him that but he wouldn't listen.
I was practically begging him for it.
Yeah, I got that, Jules.
So did everyone else in about a five-mile radius.
Oh, no-one can hear me.
OK, maybe I'm a bit tipsy.
Sorry I'm late.
What? What did I miss? Ah! I'll have water, thanks.
Since we're all here, I I've been giving a bit of thought to Tom.
I'm thinking that what's best for me is let sleeping dogs lie for now.
It was so long ago and the bottom line is that he didn't come looking for me.
If he wasn't interested when I could get away with a miniskirt, he's not gonna jump up and down now.
Anyway, the thing is, I'm just speaking for myself.
I hope everybody understands that.
Mmm.
RACHEL: Isn't anyone the slightest bit interested? I mean, this is our grandpa we're talking about.
Trust me when I say this, Rach.
It's not exactly a huge loss.
Yeah, well, you can say that, Nathan, because you've met them.
I met one of them.
Well, Tom is meant to be the spitting image of you.
If I wanna see someone who looks like me, I'll walk past a mirror.
It's not a good enough reason to go against what Chel wants.
I know.
I know that.
Of course I'll be supportive.
It's just weird to think there's a whole bunch of people out there that we're related to and we'll never get to meet any of them.
What do you think, Benny? Well, Chel's made her mind up.
Right now, we've got to bail.
Where are you two off to? He won't tell me.
It's some huge surprise.
That's the way it's gonna stay until we get there.
See ya.
Bye.
NATHAN: See ya.
Is it just me or does he get weirder every day? If you tell me where we're going, maybe I could help you.
Oi! It's a surprise.
You'll find out when we get there.
If we get there.
Oi.
I know exactly where we are.
We've got another1O k's and then we'll hit the turn-off.
(PHONE RINGS) It's Sammy.
Hi! Sammy? Hey, um Look, I'm really sorry about yesterday.
Oh, it's fine.
No, it's not.
Life just seems a little out of control at the moment.
I shouldn't have taken it out on you.
Honestly, it's cool.
Well, if you're not doing anything today, maybe Oh, um Oh, you're busy.
No, no, Mel.
It's fine.
I shouldn't have called.
I'm sorry.
Just forget about it.
(SOBS) Hey, Ben and I are just in the car.
Can you hold on a sec? Hey, she wants to see me.
No! I've got the whole afternoon planned.
(WHISPERS) She's really upset.
How about I come past tomorrow and maybe we could go out for breakfast? Sammy? Look, I don't want to burden you.
It's fine.
Just forget it.
You're not.
Honestly.
How about (HANGS UP) Sammy? Is she OK'? No.
She sounds terrible.
Look, I'm sure she'll be fine.
Really.
Trust me.
And you're gonna love where we're going, I just know it, and it'll be special and worth every cent.
It's nothing over the top.
There's no point throwing money down the drain.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's OK.
I'll justuh I'll call her later and check in.
OK! Fun, secret, romantic activity, here we come! Benny's gonna kill us! No, he won't! He'll be too busy bobbing up and down the SS Love Boat.
Hey, have you got the instructions'? What do I do with this? It says if it's H, then it goes with D and if it's not D, then it goes I've got H.
No, I have no idea.
Mate, great help you are.
I hate to say this, but how sexy can a bed be if a major component of it is called the 'bladder'? My cousin Tula's never had any shortage of takers.
Then why has she given you her waterbed? 'Cause the husband found out about the other takers.
Ohh Look at this! What? Are you quite sure this bladder is continent? Tula told me about that.
That's where the stiletto went through.
She forgot to take off her stilettos? Who says she was the one wearing them? Oh, my God.
I feel like I have to wear rubber gloves.
It's fine, OK'? It's been patched, it's sterilised, it's fine.
Are you gonna sit there whingeing all day or help me finish it? OK, what do you want me to do? I'll go downstairs, throw the hose through the window.
You wait there and give me a yell when you're ready for me to turn the water on.
Wow.
I wonder what could possibly go wrong.
Ben, if you won't let me help, then at least ask for directions.
It's not that.
You don't you don't think she might do something stupid? Uhl don't know.
No.
Look, I'm sure she's fine.
Don't worry about it.
If she's that upset, we can't leave her alone.
What about the surprise? It's fine.
Honestly.
We'll just go over to her place and make sure she's OK.
Wow.
There's nothing like a bit of leopard print to class it up, Carbo.
Yeah, that's what Tula says! Nice of her to throw it in, eh? Ooh - the heater thing must be working.
It's getting warmer.
Yeah, you're right.
Ooh, this feels weird.
I think it's something you have to get used to.
Yep.
I hope they like it.
After all the trouble we've been to.
While we're on that point, how dumb are we'? Here's two single guys helping Ben, who's a married guy, who really shouldn't need our help (TRICKLING) Carbo? Yeah? What's that noise? What noise? (TRICKLING CONTINUES) Why is the floor wet? It must be leaking! Well, of course it's leaking! What are we gonna do? The instructions said something about a repair kit.
There's gaffer tape downstairs.
I'll get that.
And a hairdryer for the shag pile! He's still here.
He stayed the night! You don't know that, honey, OK'? He might have come back over this morning.
It's cold.
The car hasn't been driven.
Does it matter? She's stayed at his place heaps of times.
Exactly.
His place, not ours! Shhh! Doug went home at 10:30 last night.
He came back this morning and we went for a walk.
Any other questions? Anything else you need to know'? Mum, I just want you to be careful.
I don't want you to get hurt.
Good.
We want the same thing, then.
Alright! For God's sake, give me a bit of credit, please! I wasn't born yesterday.
I really like Doug.
I mean, as far as I can see, he's a really decent man.
Yeah, that's the impression I got.
I mean, I know I've only just met him, but I I'm sorry, it's the truth.
I like the guy.
Cleaning products?! Oh, sweetie.
Look, I know this is hard for you.
It's just been you, me and Alex for such a long time.
Look, it's weird for me too.
I haven't been with anyone since your father.
That's an awfully long time to be alone, Jake.
I've asked Doug for dinner and, look, it's highly likely that his car's going to be here tomorrow morning.
I'm sorry if that raises your protective hackles, darling.
But maybe in this case I don't need to be protected.
Eugh.
It really was a mistake letting you off the leash too soon.
Do I have to call everyone to apologise? No, but you better prepare for the fact that today has entered the realm of âRemember that time.
âWhen Mum got smashed on half a glass of wine âand told everyone she wasn't getting any?" Great.
Julesl just didn't want you to think I was rushing you.
You know'? After Nathan was born, and we tried and it was all too soon and you know, it was uncomfortable for you Oh, I'd completely forgotten about that.
Yeah? Well, I hadn't.
Oh, darling, why didn't you say something? Why didn't you tell me? I just wanted you to set the pace.
And don't think for a moment that I haven't been thinking about it.
Aww God! How I've been thinking about it.
Well, are you thinking about it now'? Um TED: Organic chicken breasts! On special, would you believe? Couldn't pass that up.
(CH UCKLES) What happened to the movie night? Cancelled.
Right.
Call of nature, then I'm onto it.
Anyone for chicken cacciatore'? I think you better hold that thought.
Mmm.
(MEL KNOCKS) Ben! I know.
I'm sorry.
I wanted to see you too.
Can I come in, please? Yeah.
I already know what you think of me.
So if you're here to give me some kind of lecture No, Sammy.
Neither of us are here to do that.
I walked out on Nathan.
I gave up.
I gave up and I ruined his life because I didn't care enough about him.
Oh, Sammy You know, Ted was here.
He came to see Mum.
He didn't know I was listening.
He'd never say a bad word about you.
I know he wouldn't.
I could hear it in his voice.
I know what he was thinking about me.
And if you're here to tell me the same, then I justl don't want to hear it.
Sammy, the only one saying any of this is you.
Nathan stuffed up.
Big-time.
And it would be really great if you guys were back together and you were part of the family.
That's not gonna happen.
You're not listening! I'm not saying any of this to try and pressure you.
Honestly.
We just want you to be happy.
I feel like a failure, you know'? No, but you're not.
And I hate it! Because I had this whole life and now look at me - I don't know who I am anymore.
Well, I know who you are.
You're thistotally awesome chick, who's really smart and together and beautiful, who can do whatever you set your mind to.
And at the moment, I guess, you're just taking some time out to figure out what you want that to be.
That's who you are and that's what we all think of you.
You just need to get back to believing that yourself.
I could write it all down on Post-it Notes if that would help.
(SOBS) I'm sorry.
I shouldn't make dumb jokes - they're not funny.
Look, whenever you're ready, come around or call, whatever.
I know Mum and Dad would love to hear from you.
(SOBS) I never, ever, ever want to break up with you.
That's good, 'cause I never, ever, ever want to break up with you.
Apparently it goes better if you turn the key We were gonna go up in the sky in a hot-air balloon and it was gonna be perfect and romantic and perfect and romantic and now we're going home to wah-wah-wah-wincha.
Pizza, pyjamas and I'm sorry.
Hot-air ballooning? Yeah.
Really? I wanted to do something romantic.
Oh, it would have been.
I know! Ben What was that for'? I thought if you were trying to be romantic, it might be allowed.
Trying and failing badly.
The whole afternoon's stuffed.
Are you joking? The way you were with Sammy I was there thinking how lucky I am to be married to such a beautiful, caring man who gave up his whole afternoon to help someone else.
Really? Hot-air ballooning would have been great.
But it's not what makes me love you.
It's just who you are and the things you do without even thinking about them.
So, would you describe yourself as âgrateful? BEN: OK.
So the day hadn't gone to plan.
But I was still up for 'husband of the year' after all.
Ho! What are you doing here?! What happened to the hot-air balloon? Change of plan.
Oh! That's cool.
I can roll with it.
Doesn't matter.
Because the second part of the surprise is waiting right here.
Upstairs.
What'?! Don't look at me.
What are you talking about? Did you fix it? I'd give it another half an hour.
Oh, my God.
Uh, is there a reason we've walked into a '70s porno? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! (LAUGHS) I can't believe this is Carbo's idea of romance.
I can't believe you've been talking to him about our love life! Um Can we just go back to how gorgeous I was this afternoon with Sammy and forget about this part of it? Yeah, luckily it was pretty gorgeous Wait! No, we can't! Nathan said not for half an hour.
What?! Nathan? You knew as well? I tried to tell Carbo it was a dumb idea.
Did you hold a forum or something? I was confused.
I needed advice.
Obviously! Tea or coffee? No, thank you.
Tea, please, lovely wife.
Hey, what happened with the ballooning? Ohwe got lost.
Oh.
It would have been too late when we got there.
Bummer.
Yeah.
Am I the love god, or am I the love god? Kettle's on.
Tea, Carbo? Haven't you got more important things to do right now than that'? Yes, frankly.
That's the point where we make ourselves very scarce, Carbo.
OK, just make sure something happens this time, 'cause, frankly, we're sick of having to leave for no reason.
OK, this is getting really creepy now.
Just Come here I hate that I have to lie to Nathan.
I feel like such a traitor.
Oh, listen to me - now I'm doing More important things to be thinking about.
Maybe you're more female than you think.
I don't think so! Oooh! (LAUGHS) BEN: Carbo, on the other hand, was definitely feeling male.
Check it out! Oh! What does it say? âLet me put the wah-wah in your wincha.
" Is this you? Really?! Yeah.
No! Carbo, you idiot.
I was busy doing the waterbed, remember? You know what this means, don't you? What? It's not over! Some secret admirer's got the hots for me.
(BEEPS CAR HORN) Whoo! Ha ha! Ruby's asleep.
That's good.
Yeah Darling, but Dad's awake.
And Rachel and Jake are still Wellthey can just get earplugs or just put up with it because I really don't care anymore! (SQU EALS, LAUGHS) Not in my parents' house.
Rules are meant to be broken.
It's too quiet.
They can hear us.
Oh, of all the nights Ruby could be asleep.
What? When she cries, it's a sound barrier.
What are you doing? (SLAMS DOOR) (RUBY owes) (YELLS) Whoever made that happen, you can deal with it! TED: I've got her! You know, there is one way around all this, don't you? What's that'? Go to a motel? No.
Let's get our own place.
Are you serious? Well, it's about time, isn't it? OK, it's not that I'm not in the mood.
Are you feeling as sick as I am? Yes.
I really am.
Bloody Carbo.
Come on.
(GIGGLES) Oh, that's so much better! I love dry land.
It's not! The carpet's wet! What? (GAS PS) The bed must be leaking.
(WATER SQUIRTS) Arggh! Quick, get a towel! Oh, no! Use this! Use this! Use this! (SQUEALS) BEN: OK, so it wasn't quite what I had in mind.
But it seems Grandad was right again.
It's not about how much or how often or how hot it is - a good husband just loves being with his wife.
I'm.
.
.
man'ied.
How weird does that sound? Seriously - I'm a husband who hasa wife.
A sexy wife who's waiting in bed for me right now.
And I know exactly what's expected of a good husband.
Hey.
Have I ever told you how hot you are? And there they were, out of the blue - the words I didn't expect to hear for at least another 40 years.
Not tonight, Ben.
I've got a really bad headache.
I know that sounds like a line, but I've just had a hell of a day at work, so OK.
Oh, get a room, you two! Yeah, says the newlywed.
Like you and Mel aren't going at it like rabbits.
âOoohoooh Oh, Mel" So, we'll be down at the Boat Club later on to finish up that job.
Uhyeah, OK.
Everything alright? What Rachel just said, the rabbits thing.
It's about more than that, yeah? Uh Being married? It's not just aboutgoing for it? I mean, I know that's part of it, but it's not everything.
No.
It's not.
Like, when you and Mum were first married how often did you you know.
Oh.
Ohuh Well, mate, I think that's different for everyone.
There's nono real quota system.
That all depends on what's happening in your life.
When Jules and I got married, we'd already had Rachel and a baby means not too much action for a while.
Which is probably why I'm not the one you should be talking to right now.
Is there a problem? No.
No, it'sjust a a future reference sort of thing.
Alright.
I've got some invoices to do, so Yeah, yeah, no worries.
Like I said, it's not as if it's an issue.
Do you think it's an issue? Mate, there's no set rule for this sort of thing.
What you got to remember Yeah, I know, everyone's different.
And you can never believe what anyone says.
Not when it comes to the bedroom.
Yeah, it's justyou hear about those couples who've been married for ages, and then suddenly realise they haven't had sex for five years.
And if they're happy with that, does it matter? Is this a senior moment? Do I really need to spell that one out for you? How many times do you think your grandmother and I had sex the last few years of our marriage? Mental health seriously at risk here! I could count it on two hands.
You're kidding! You guys - you were Really happy.
And I wouldn't swap those last few years for anything.
That's my point - it's not about a number.
Being a good husband is about how much you care, not about how many times a night you can do it.
Is this some kind of a survey? No, it's.
.
.
I'm just interested, that's all.
There's no problem.
It's about putting your wife's needs before your own.
I know, Dad.
Emotional, not just physical.
Thank you.
And romance, that's the key.
That's what I keep telling him.
When Jules and Iyou know, again Dad, please.
And I'm not putting her under any pressure, but when we doit's gonna be TED: Romantic! DAVE: Yes.
OK.
I get the point.
Thank you.
Loud and clear.
Hey, Mac! Walla-walla-wa-wincha! You see that'? Yep.
He looked at me like I was a freak.
It's a weird way to talk to someone you barely know.
I'm yesterday's news, mate.
I'm finished.
I mean, it wasn't even 15 minutes of fame.
It was more like6.
5.
I nowhere near made the most of it.
I didn't think it was gonna be over so soon.
You and me both.
What? Honeymoon period.
I thought it was never going to end.
Oh.
I need to do something for Mel.
Something that's really gonna knock her socks off.
What sort of something? Like stuff they do in the movies.
Not those sort of movies, Carbo.
What's the most romantic thing you guys can think of? You guys are useless.
I don't really think I'm an expert on this.
What sort of loser doesn't even get 15 minutes of fame'? Walla-walla-loser.
Ruby's asleep.
So I know you're due at work Yeah, already running late.
You could tell Jake to get started.
You'll be there soon.
Where's Ted? Gone to get the paper.
He'll probably stay for a coffee.
So we've got 15 minutes? Better than nothing.
What? What? oh, it's just Just not very special, rushing like this.
What? (RUBY owes) Hold that thought.
I'm holding.
Coming! You gonna be home late tonight? Hopefully not.
Depends how busy we are.
I should go.
I wanna drop in and see Sammy on the way.
You still worried about her? I can't help it.
She's not her old self.
I hope she doesn't freak when I tell her you know.
Is that what you were thinking about last night? Ben Are you upset with me? Just 'cause there's one time I don't feel like it, it doesn't mean there's something wrong.
This is really bothering you, isn't it? No.
Not at all.
I'm justjust checking.
That's all.
Seriously, that's all it was.
Anyway, I was thinking, how about I cook us some dinner tonight? Putting takeaway on plates is sort of like making it.
It sounds perfect.
I should be home around 7:00.
See you later.
Oi.
Hey.
Oh.
O.
oh! I! Sorry.
Stay back, I stink.
See ya.
Yes, you do! See ya.
Yo! Hey, you guys have to get out of the house tonight.
I want it to be just me and Mel.
You've got a door on your bedroom, Ben.
Use that.
No arguments! I'm serious.
Tonight is just the two of us.
I'm keeping the romance alive.
Good plan.
Thank you.
Says the marriage expert.
Do you want one? Sure.
(SIGHS) You OK'? Yeah, justhad a couple of drinks last night, that's all.
How about you jump in the shower and I'll make the coffee? Umyeah, OK.
I'll just be a sec.
I have to tell you something and I'm scared you'll be mad at me.
But can I just say, first up, it's not gonna be a problem, I swear.
You've told Nathan.
No, no, no.
But I have told Ben.
Mel! He won't say anything, I promise.
Well, what if he does'? No, he won't.
I trusted you! I cannot believe that you I don't want to fight with you! Nathan still has no idea you're in Sydney.
But sooner or later, he'll (PHONE BEEPS) (SIGHS) Hello? Yeah, thanks for calling back.
This afternoon? Um Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can see him then.
OK.
That was just my lawyer's office.
Lawyer? Divorce lawyer.
Don't I just love those words.
I'm so glad that I can apply them to my life.
It's just what I always wanted, really.
I know you know this, but I just have to say it.
Alcohol won't be helping right now.
Have you thought about talking to someone about all of this? What, a shrink? Well, there's a psychologist I know ofby reputation, and she's meant to be fantastic.
Yeah, well, I don't need to sit on some random's couch.
No, it's not like And I don't need someone I thought was my friend coming around here patronising me.
Fine.
I'll leave you to it.
But seriously, just think about it.
It's not wrong to ask for help.
So you guys reckon you'll be finished today'? Oh, sorry.
Forgot about that.
Forgot'? Mate, should we be worried'? BEN: It's for a magazine shoot.
You reckon you can work around them? I think we'll find a way to cope.
Yeah, not that we'd even think about looking, eh? Not for a second.
Enjoy.
(YOU SEXY THING BY HOT CHOCOLATE PLAYS) I believe in miracles Where you from, you sexy thing? Sexy thing, you I believe in miracles Since you came along You sexy thing Got a bit of a fan there, mate.
It's not me she's looking at, sugar daddy.
Come off it.
Not exactly into subtlety, is she? Look, it's a bit of a change from bum-pinching geriatrics.
Yeah.
Not a bad one, either.
BEN: Not looking was proving hard "harder than Dad could have imagined.
You alright, mate? Yeah.
Just looking forum this.
Just trying to It was like being 14 again and back on the school bus.
You know, you're sitting there and you've got the vibrations and then suddenly, it's like away it goes! A mind of its own! (LAUGHS) Is that it? You had enough laughing? Are you done yet'? No, I haven't even started, darling.
And, hey, for the record, you should be happy that I'm laughing.
A lot of wives wouldn't think this is very funny.
She wasn't even that attractive! Oh, please! No, she wasn't! She looked like she needed to eat a whole lot of lamb chops.
Anyway, it's your fault.
That she needed to eat lamb chops'? No, because you got my mind on it this morning.
And how you managed to resist, I've no idea! Well, buggerlugs put paid to that.
Is there anything wrong with wanting more than five minutes? At this point, we have to take what we can get! Dad, don't you have to do something with Friend Finders tomorrow night? Yeah, double feature at the pictures, then a late supper.
Oh Who said old farts don't know how to party? So, if Rachel goes out with Jake, we'll have the place to ourselves.
We'll make a night of it.
I'll cook lamb chops.
And I'll keep everything crossed that Ruby stays asleep.
Is it a date? Hell, yeah! Ah! Oh! Till tomorrow.
BEN: Dad wasn't the only good husband getting his hopes up.
Is Nathan home? No.
We got the place to ourselves.
First she dumps the biggest secret ever on me then attacks me for trying to help.
Who? Sammy.
I know she's having a hard time but it's not fair.
And her hangover didn't help.
I'm guessing she knows I know'? Yeah, not happy.
And not in a good place at all.
Compared to her, Nathan is doing fine.
Hey, come here.
Come here.
She'll come round.
She just needs some time.
Yeah, how much time? We can't sit on this forever.
Oh, that is great! You've got takeaway.
I can smell it.
Waiting to go, whenever you're ready.
I ran you a bath too.
Oh, you're the best.
You wanna go and have your bath and then some dinner? Yes.
A bath is just what I need.
And then I'm going to get into something more comfortable.
(SIGHS) What? Oh, it's just when you said âsomething more comfortable" How was your bath? Perfect.
Just what I needed.
Sorry about before.
I just came in and vented all over you.
What are husbands for'? I spent the whole day thinking about Sammy.
Well, you can let that go now.
Yeah, I guess so.
Thank you so much for going to all this trouble.
I didn't get a chance to scratch myself today.
So you were saying you were tired? Mmm.
Like, really, really tired? Sorry.
I wish I was better at turning my brain off.
It isn't my brain I wish I could turn off.
I brought up the idea of Sammy going to see someone.
A psychologist.
But she took it the wrong way.
Sorry, I need to stop talking about it.
Grandad was right.
A good husband performs in all rooms of the house, not just the bedroom.
Talk about it as much as you like.
Really? Just over dinner, I swear.
I'll bring it in.
Now it was me who had a headache.
RACHEL: (ON PHONE) OK, what's he like'? Spunk? He's not here yet.
Mum's vacuumed the house three times.
She's nervous.
She's not the only one.
What if I don't like him? Why wouldn't you? What if he's a freak? Give Grace some credit.
Like she got it so right with Dad.
OK.
Good point.
Can you come over? No.
I'm not gonna gatecrash your mum's date.
And I told you - I've got heaps of work to get through.
Bring your computer.
Work here.
Please? Hang on.
Jake, is this OK'? Great.
Great.
You sure? Yeah? She's changed more times than she's vacuumed.
Jake You've gotta come over, please! OK, OK.
I'm coming over.
You happy? Alright, I'll be there soon.
Bye.
Jake's meeting Grace's new boyfriend tonight for the first time and he's very, very nervous, so I think I'm gonna go over there and make sure he doesn't get all protective and stuff things up.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's a really good idea.
Are you going to stay there overnight? Dunno.
I'll let you know if I am.
See ya! Thanks.
OK.
Bye.
Sorry I can't stay for dinner.
So, how about the date for tomorrow night, we move up to tonight? Mmm.
Looks like I'll be heading down the club tonight.
Ohh Oh! Oh, sorry, Dad.
Would you mind? After dinner.
She's obviously going through some anger stage and I'm a safe person to take it out on.
Still, it's not fair to shoot the messenger.
Maybe I'll just text her the number of the psychologist and then it's up to her.
Yeah, but you can't force that sort of thing on people.
I know.
But I really think it might help her.
I think you're caught up in this enough.
I gotta say, it feels weird being around Nathan.
It's like I'm watching everything I say for fear of spilling something.
(DOOR OPENS) You're back.
How was the pub? Dud band, dud crowd.
Well, there's other pubs.
No way, I'm stuffed.
Still Hey, leave the plates.
If you're tired, you should go to bed.
I'll take care of them.
Ohthank you.
I'll see you guys tomorrow.
'Night.
What are you guys doing back? Keep your hair on.
Not like much was happening.
She's got a lot on her mind.
What, work stuff'? Something like that.
Maybe the problem is you're not taking it far enough.
I mean, OK, dinner's nice, but in terms of a big, passionate statement Mmm.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe to be romantic, I've got to go way over the top.
Hey, I can do you a deal with some flowers.
Just had a big order cancelled for a funeral today.
How does anyone cancel a funeral? Was the guy not dead anymore? No, no, no.
There's a funeral, just no flowers.
The rellies found out they got left out of the will.
White lilies.
Beautiful.
Nothing says romance like a dead man's cancelled flowers.
Nah, it's gotta be bigger than that, anyway.
Everybody does flowers.
You could at least try leaving the house.
Then there's less chance of Mel ending up in her trackie daks.
True.
Or take her hot-air ballooning.
This guy once organised that for one of Sammy's girlfriends.
Apparently she was 'grateful' for months.
Grateful? Very appreciative.
You know, that's not such a dumb idea.
We could go at sunset.
Oooh.
Yeah.
It'd be perfect.
And then we come home and Mel would be Grateful! Grateful! Grateful! You shouldn't do yourself down on the old 'marriage expert' thing.
It's a good idea.
Hey, we could help old Benno out.
What do you mean? We can have the most romantic surprise Mel's ever had in her life waiting for her right here.
At home! What are you talking about? We got the rest.
Don't we, Nath? Uhyep.
Yes.
BEN: Thanks, mate.
Nathan! What? That's a terrible idea.
Shhh! Keep it down, OK'? No, it's not.
Have some faith.
I have absolute faith that it's a terrible idea.
It's a little bit retro, isn't it, Carbo? It's not retro, it's classic.
Some things never go out of style.
I thinkjust leave it to Ben.
If he does the hot-air ballooning, it'll probably be enough.
In fact, I'm sure it'll be enough.
Anyway, I'm going to bed.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Hey! Tula.
Yeah, it's me.
Yeah, listen.
No, no.
Look, shhh.
I got a mate.
He's having a few problems in the bedroom.
Yeah, yeah.
Nah.
A mate.
And I thought you could help me out.
Hi! Thank you.
There's something really suss about the guy.
You make him sound like a serial killer.
How do we know he's not? Oh, hi, Rachel! Hi, Grace! I'm sorry to barge in like this.
I need to talk to Jake about some stuff for work.
No, that's fine.
Come in.
My friend Doug's here.
I'm just watching a movie with him.
Oh.
So, Doug.
Mum tells me you've been married before.
That's right.
Didn't work out, then? Jake, I've told you all of this.
No, it's OK.
I'm fine with it.
We're divorced.
It wasn't easy.
But we managed to stay friends.
Best for the kids that way.
The kids? Yeah, two.
They're great.
Handling it really well.
So how did you and your ex-wife meet? Was she one of your staff as well? Jake! Umwould anyone like a drink? I'll get them.
I'll give you a hand.
Are you right?! There's something about him.
He's just He's too smooth.
Oh, please! You heard him! What? He's into rental DVDs, he likes bushwalking and he knows a lot about cleaning products.
He's a regular lounge lizard, Jake.
Anyway, listen.
It does not matter what we think.
Your mum really likes him.
Don't stuff this up for her.
Don't.
That'll be another beer for you, mate.
No, it's alright.
Thanks, mate.
Jakeyou've no need to worry.
My intentions are honourable.
BEN: While Jake was grappling with being a good son, Dad was ticking all the boxes in the 'good husband' checklist.
She is finally asleep! We have the most well-behaved daughter in the world.
You sure you're ready? What part of this makes you think I'm not? Just because there was an incident today Oh, is that what we're calling it? You shouldn't feel pressured.
I don't at all.
(DOOR OPENS) Mmm? It must be Dad.
He must have forgotten something.
RACHEL: Hey, Mum! Or the other daughter, not so well-behaved.
JULESI Hello! Hi! I thought you were staying at Jake's tonight.
We were.
Yeah, till Jake glassed Doug.
Then things got a bit awkward.
So, we thought No, Rachel thought.
It was best to give Grace and her friend a bit of space.
Oh.
How nice for them.
Who's up for a DVD? Now'? Yeah, it's apparently very funny.
Oh, yeah, no, your father and I are about to turn in.
No, the review of this said it's a real cracker.
Dave.
.
.
The 40-Year-Old Virgin.
We'll get it started.
JAKE: I thought you had work to do.
JULES: Hey, what are you doing? They're here now.
We can't kick them out.
We don't have to watch it.
Come to bed.
I'm not going to hide in our room! RACHEL: It's about to start.
Coming? No! BEN: But unlike Dad, at least I had a plan in place.
And I was expecting big returns on my investment.
If all goes to plan, this time tomorrow, Melissa would be .
.
grateful.
And I'd be 'husband of the year'.
Who would have thought there is a world outside my lounge room'? God, do you have any idea how much I've missed you? RACHEL: Does someone have the 12-step program on speed-dial'? Oh, shut up.
I'm not even a little bit tipsy.
No-one gets drunk on half a glass.
They do if they haven't touched the stuff in a year! Or overtired from sleep deprivation Yeah, anyway, here's to Ruby's first pub lunch.
(ALL TOAST) And here's to Mum! RACHEL: Yay, Mummy! Oh, thanks, darling.
Yes, to me! To reclaiming my life! Absolutely! Here's to leaving the house on a regular basis! (ALL CHEER) And here's to having sex again some time before I die.
No, no.
Your father doesn't want me anymore.
Oh, come on, Jules.
You know that's not the case.
Why don't you just throw me down on the bed, then, and have your wicked way with me? Suddenly, I'm not hungry anymore.
Let me take that from you.
Go ahead.
It's your fault, anyway! We were good to go when you two interrupted! Wow! You didn't have to watch the movie.
I told him that but he wouldn't listen.
I was practically begging him for it.
Yeah, I got that, Jules.
So did everyone else in about a five-mile radius.
Oh, no-one can hear me.
OK, maybe I'm a bit tipsy.
Sorry I'm late.
What? What did I miss? Ah! I'll have water, thanks.
Since we're all here, I I've been giving a bit of thought to Tom.
I'm thinking that what's best for me is let sleeping dogs lie for now.
It was so long ago and the bottom line is that he didn't come looking for me.
If he wasn't interested when I could get away with a miniskirt, he's not gonna jump up and down now.
Anyway, the thing is, I'm just speaking for myself.
I hope everybody understands that.
Mmm.
RACHEL: Isn't anyone the slightest bit interested? I mean, this is our grandpa we're talking about.
Trust me when I say this, Rach.
It's not exactly a huge loss.
Yeah, well, you can say that, Nathan, because you've met them.
I met one of them.
Well, Tom is meant to be the spitting image of you.
If I wanna see someone who looks like me, I'll walk past a mirror.
It's not a good enough reason to go against what Chel wants.
I know.
I know that.
Of course I'll be supportive.
It's just weird to think there's a whole bunch of people out there that we're related to and we'll never get to meet any of them.
What do you think, Benny? Well, Chel's made her mind up.
Right now, we've got to bail.
Where are you two off to? He won't tell me.
It's some huge surprise.
That's the way it's gonna stay until we get there.
See ya.
Bye.
NATHAN: See ya.
Is it just me or does he get weirder every day? If you tell me where we're going, maybe I could help you.
Oi! It's a surprise.
You'll find out when we get there.
If we get there.
Oi.
I know exactly where we are.
We've got another1O k's and then we'll hit the turn-off.
(PHONE RINGS) It's Sammy.
Hi! Sammy? Hey, um Look, I'm really sorry about yesterday.
Oh, it's fine.
No, it's not.
Life just seems a little out of control at the moment.
I shouldn't have taken it out on you.
Honestly, it's cool.
Well, if you're not doing anything today, maybe Oh, um Oh, you're busy.
No, no, Mel.
It's fine.
I shouldn't have called.
I'm sorry.
Just forget about it.
(SOBS) Hey, Ben and I are just in the car.
Can you hold on a sec? Hey, she wants to see me.
No! I've got the whole afternoon planned.
(WHISPERS) She's really upset.
How about I come past tomorrow and maybe we could go out for breakfast? Sammy? Look, I don't want to burden you.
It's fine.
Just forget it.
You're not.
Honestly.
How about (HANGS UP) Sammy? Is she OK'? No.
She sounds terrible.
Look, I'm sure she'll be fine.
Really.
Trust me.
And you're gonna love where we're going, I just know it, and it'll be special and worth every cent.
It's nothing over the top.
There's no point throwing money down the drain.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's OK.
I'll justuh I'll call her later and check in.
OK! Fun, secret, romantic activity, here we come! Benny's gonna kill us! No, he won't! He'll be too busy bobbing up and down the SS Love Boat.
Hey, have you got the instructions'? What do I do with this? It says if it's H, then it goes with D and if it's not D, then it goes I've got H.
No, I have no idea.
Mate, great help you are.
I hate to say this, but how sexy can a bed be if a major component of it is called the 'bladder'? My cousin Tula's never had any shortage of takers.
Then why has she given you her waterbed? 'Cause the husband found out about the other takers.
Ohh Look at this! What? Are you quite sure this bladder is continent? Tula told me about that.
That's where the stiletto went through.
She forgot to take off her stilettos? Who says she was the one wearing them? Oh, my God.
I feel like I have to wear rubber gloves.
It's fine, OK'? It's been patched, it's sterilised, it's fine.
Are you gonna sit there whingeing all day or help me finish it? OK, what do you want me to do? I'll go downstairs, throw the hose through the window.
You wait there and give me a yell when you're ready for me to turn the water on.
Wow.
I wonder what could possibly go wrong.
Ben, if you won't let me help, then at least ask for directions.
It's not that.
You don't you don't think she might do something stupid? Uhl don't know.
No.
Look, I'm sure she's fine.
Don't worry about it.
If she's that upset, we can't leave her alone.
What about the surprise? It's fine.
Honestly.
We'll just go over to her place and make sure she's OK.
Wow.
There's nothing like a bit of leopard print to class it up, Carbo.
Yeah, that's what Tula says! Nice of her to throw it in, eh? Ooh - the heater thing must be working.
It's getting warmer.
Yeah, you're right.
Ooh, this feels weird.
I think it's something you have to get used to.
Yep.
I hope they like it.
After all the trouble we've been to.
While we're on that point, how dumb are we'? Here's two single guys helping Ben, who's a married guy, who really shouldn't need our help (TRICKLING) Carbo? Yeah? What's that noise? What noise? (TRICKLING CONTINUES) Why is the floor wet? It must be leaking! Well, of course it's leaking! What are we gonna do? The instructions said something about a repair kit.
There's gaffer tape downstairs.
I'll get that.
And a hairdryer for the shag pile! He's still here.
He stayed the night! You don't know that, honey, OK'? He might have come back over this morning.
It's cold.
The car hasn't been driven.
Does it matter? She's stayed at his place heaps of times.
Exactly.
His place, not ours! Shhh! Doug went home at 10:30 last night.
He came back this morning and we went for a walk.
Any other questions? Anything else you need to know'? Mum, I just want you to be careful.
I don't want you to get hurt.
Good.
We want the same thing, then.
Alright! For God's sake, give me a bit of credit, please! I wasn't born yesterday.
I really like Doug.
I mean, as far as I can see, he's a really decent man.
Yeah, that's the impression I got.
I mean, I know I've only just met him, but I I'm sorry, it's the truth.
I like the guy.
Cleaning products?! Oh, sweetie.
Look, I know this is hard for you.
It's just been you, me and Alex for such a long time.
Look, it's weird for me too.
I haven't been with anyone since your father.
That's an awfully long time to be alone, Jake.
I've asked Doug for dinner and, look, it's highly likely that his car's going to be here tomorrow morning.
I'm sorry if that raises your protective hackles, darling.
But maybe in this case I don't need to be protected.
Eugh.
It really was a mistake letting you off the leash too soon.
Do I have to call everyone to apologise? No, but you better prepare for the fact that today has entered the realm of âRemember that time.
âWhen Mum got smashed on half a glass of wine âand told everyone she wasn't getting any?" Great.
Julesl just didn't want you to think I was rushing you.
You know'? After Nathan was born, and we tried and it was all too soon and you know, it was uncomfortable for you Oh, I'd completely forgotten about that.
Yeah? Well, I hadn't.
Oh, darling, why didn't you say something? Why didn't you tell me? I just wanted you to set the pace.
And don't think for a moment that I haven't been thinking about it.
Aww God! How I've been thinking about it.
Well, are you thinking about it now'? Um TED: Organic chicken breasts! On special, would you believe? Couldn't pass that up.
(CH UCKLES) What happened to the movie night? Cancelled.
Right.
Call of nature, then I'm onto it.
Anyone for chicken cacciatore'? I think you better hold that thought.
Mmm.
(MEL KNOCKS) Ben! I know.
I'm sorry.
I wanted to see you too.
Can I come in, please? Yeah.
I already know what you think of me.
So if you're here to give me some kind of lecture No, Sammy.
Neither of us are here to do that.
I walked out on Nathan.
I gave up.
I gave up and I ruined his life because I didn't care enough about him.
Oh, Sammy You know, Ted was here.
He came to see Mum.
He didn't know I was listening.
He'd never say a bad word about you.
I know he wouldn't.
I could hear it in his voice.
I know what he was thinking about me.
And if you're here to tell me the same, then I justl don't want to hear it.
Sammy, the only one saying any of this is you.
Nathan stuffed up.
Big-time.
And it would be really great if you guys were back together and you were part of the family.
That's not gonna happen.
You're not listening! I'm not saying any of this to try and pressure you.
Honestly.
We just want you to be happy.
I feel like a failure, you know'? No, but you're not.
And I hate it! Because I had this whole life and now look at me - I don't know who I am anymore.
Well, I know who you are.
You're thistotally awesome chick, who's really smart and together and beautiful, who can do whatever you set your mind to.
And at the moment, I guess, you're just taking some time out to figure out what you want that to be.
That's who you are and that's what we all think of you.
You just need to get back to believing that yourself.
I could write it all down on Post-it Notes if that would help.
(SOBS) I'm sorry.
I shouldn't make dumb jokes - they're not funny.
Look, whenever you're ready, come around or call, whatever.
I know Mum and Dad would love to hear from you.
(SOBS) I never, ever, ever want to break up with you.
That's good, 'cause I never, ever, ever want to break up with you.
Apparently it goes better if you turn the key We were gonna go up in the sky in a hot-air balloon and it was gonna be perfect and romantic and perfect and romantic and now we're going home to wah-wah-wah-wincha.
Pizza, pyjamas and I'm sorry.
Hot-air ballooning? Yeah.
Really? I wanted to do something romantic.
Oh, it would have been.
I know! Ben What was that for'? I thought if you were trying to be romantic, it might be allowed.
Trying and failing badly.
The whole afternoon's stuffed.
Are you joking? The way you were with Sammy I was there thinking how lucky I am to be married to such a beautiful, caring man who gave up his whole afternoon to help someone else.
Really? Hot-air ballooning would have been great.
But it's not what makes me love you.
It's just who you are and the things you do without even thinking about them.
So, would you describe yourself as âgrateful? BEN: OK.
So the day hadn't gone to plan.
But I was still up for 'husband of the year' after all.
Ho! What are you doing here?! What happened to the hot-air balloon? Change of plan.
Oh! That's cool.
I can roll with it.
Doesn't matter.
Because the second part of the surprise is waiting right here.
Upstairs.
What'?! Don't look at me.
What are you talking about? Did you fix it? I'd give it another half an hour.
Oh, my God.
Uh, is there a reason we've walked into a '70s porno? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! (LAUGHS) I can't believe this is Carbo's idea of romance.
I can't believe you've been talking to him about our love life! Um Can we just go back to how gorgeous I was this afternoon with Sammy and forget about this part of it? Yeah, luckily it was pretty gorgeous Wait! No, we can't! Nathan said not for half an hour.
What?! Nathan? You knew as well? I tried to tell Carbo it was a dumb idea.
Did you hold a forum or something? I was confused.
I needed advice.
Obviously! Tea or coffee? No, thank you.
Tea, please, lovely wife.
Hey, what happened with the ballooning? Ohwe got lost.
Oh.
It would have been too late when we got there.
Bummer.
Yeah.
Am I the love god, or am I the love god? Kettle's on.
Tea, Carbo? Haven't you got more important things to do right now than that'? Yes, frankly.
That's the point where we make ourselves very scarce, Carbo.
OK, just make sure something happens this time, 'cause, frankly, we're sick of having to leave for no reason.
OK, this is getting really creepy now.
Just Come here I hate that I have to lie to Nathan.
I feel like such a traitor.
Oh, listen to me - now I'm doing More important things to be thinking about.
Maybe you're more female than you think.
I don't think so! Oooh! (LAUGHS) BEN: Carbo, on the other hand, was definitely feeling male.
Check it out! Oh! What does it say? âLet me put the wah-wah in your wincha.
" Is this you? Really?! Yeah.
No! Carbo, you idiot.
I was busy doing the waterbed, remember? You know what this means, don't you? What? It's not over! Some secret admirer's got the hots for me.
(BEEPS CAR HORN) Whoo! Ha ha! Ruby's asleep.
That's good.
Yeah Darling, but Dad's awake.
And Rachel and Jake are still Wellthey can just get earplugs or just put up with it because I really don't care anymore! (SQU EALS, LAUGHS) Not in my parents' house.
Rules are meant to be broken.
It's too quiet.
They can hear us.
Oh, of all the nights Ruby could be asleep.
What? When she cries, it's a sound barrier.
What are you doing? (SLAMS DOOR) (RUBY owes) (YELLS) Whoever made that happen, you can deal with it! TED: I've got her! You know, there is one way around all this, don't you? What's that'? Go to a motel? No.
Let's get our own place.
Are you serious? Well, it's about time, isn't it? OK, it's not that I'm not in the mood.
Are you feeling as sick as I am? Yes.
I really am.
Bloody Carbo.
Come on.
(GIGGLES) Oh, that's so much better! I love dry land.
It's not! The carpet's wet! What? (GAS PS) The bed must be leaking.
(WATER SQUIRTS) Arggh! Quick, get a towel! Oh, no! Use this! Use this! Use this! (SQUEALS) BEN: OK, so it wasn't quite what I had in mind.
But it seems Grandad was right again.
It's not about how much or how often or how hot it is - a good husband just loves being with his wife.