Paper Girls (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

Growing Pains


Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up.
Hey. Hey, it's me.
Um, will you call me back when you get this?
[QUIETLY] I-I think someone's, uh,
I think someone's broken into the house.
You call me back, okay?
[GIRL QUIETLY] I don't know how.
Who's there?
I'm calling the cops.


- Won't you please let me go
Hey, rise and shine, kiddo.
- It's time to join the rat race.
Inside me hurt me so ♪
And I'm not the kind
that likes to tell you ♪
Just what I want to do ♪
I'm not the kind who needs to tell you ♪
Just what you want me to ♪
I saw you this morning ♪
I thought that you might like to know ♪
I received your message in full ♪
A few days ago
Mac. Mac, where's my fucking Walkman?
How should I know?
If I catch you with it again,
you're fucking dead.
Piss off, Dylan. You're gonna wake her up.

Mom, you didn't have to get up.
It's gonna be fine, Mom, okay?
Two hours, tops.
And I want to do this.
- We've been over this.
It's a first job, and I'm all yours
for at least six more years
before college, okay?
Then, after that, you and Missy
can visit me in the White House.
- I will.
- Okay.
You want to know how
I get away with everything? ♪
I work all the fucking time ♪
From Monday to Friday, Friday to Sunday ♪
I love it ♪
I work ♪
Work ♪
Work it ♪
Work, work to be a winner ♪
Winners work it good ♪
Sweat, sweat to be a winner ♪
Work ♪
Yeah, work it ♪
Work, work to be a winner ♪
Winners work it good ♪
Sweat, sweat to be a winner ♪
See you later ♪♪
Put it down.
I'm sorry, sir, but
you aren't on my list.
[MAN] You're trying to steal my paper.
I know a dirty thief when I see one.
Bad enough you Japs are
running the plant out of town.
I'm Chinese.
I don't give a shit!
Here's your paper, sir.
My colleague here was confused.
I'm not confused.
Get off my porch.
Both of you.
You really want to get
your head split over a quarter
by a racist jerk?
You're welcome, by the way.
Hey, I would have been fine.
What's your name?
- Erin.
- Tiff.
You really picked a stupid morning to start.
Hell Day. The day after Halloween?
So what?
So Halloween only ended four hours ago.
You'll see, New Girl.
What's your route?
Uh, it's
Marion, then Caroline.
Marion is two streets over.
You're not even on the right block.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
These beauties cost me $49.99,
not counting tax or batteries.
- And check out the auto-modulation on
- Hello?
Okay, let's maintain
proper distance during use.
- Sorry.
- You hold onto that one.
Buzz me if you run into any trouble.
- [MAC] Yo, Tonya.
- Tiffany.
- What?
- My name is Tiffany.
We delivered together last year.
Yeah, whatever.
I just saw Wally Becker
and his dipshit buddies
- chase some paper girl down Hemlock.
- Shit.
Come on, New Girl. We need backup.
- [MAC] Keep up, Tiny.
- [TIFF] I'm coming.
[TIFF] All right. Come on.
- Stop. Come on.
Please, stop.
- Let me go.
- [TIFF] Teenagers
Hey, look, it's the Cabbage Patch Kids.
Cool costumes, dick breath.
What'd you just call me?
[MAC] You heard me, asshole.

- [FREDDY] Boo!
- [TIFF] Hey, leave her alone, you creep!
[TIFF] Come on! Hurry up, New Girl!

See ya, losers!
- [MAC] Whoa!
- [TIFF] Watch out. [LAUGHS]
[TIFF] That was amazing.
Did you guys see Wally's face?
- He was pissing in his pants.
[MAC] Bunch of limp dicks.
They have, like, two beers and
they think they're so tough.
Thanks for the backup, by the way.
So you're Mac, right?
Yeah. So?
Look, I got a fan.
So, um, you were the first
paper boy around here
who wasn't, you know
A boy?
Yeah, job pays half what it used to,
which is probably why
they got a bunch of chicks
doing this shit now.
And you
you must be the Brandman kid
that covers the route over on Maple.
- KJ.
- Yeah.
Like Brandman First National Bank.
And Brandman public library.
[MAC] Hmm.
My grandfather, he's kind of, I
- He was a big fucking deal, right?
- Mac
Nice to meet you. Tiff.
It's very nice to meet you, Tiff.
Yeah. My dad says you people own everything.
"You people"?
She's new. First ride.
[MAC] Yeah, I can tell.
[MAC] Well, anyway,
Brandman, Tonya, New Girl,
this has been real, but I gotta get moving.
So, see ya around.
Or we could stick together.
It is Hell Day.
Yeah, no thanks.
You Girl Scouts can team up if you want.
[TIFF] Come on, Mac.
I don't see what's wrong with it.
Maybe we even get our full routes delivered.
What, you looking for a promotion?
[TIFF] No, I'm looking to get
my route finished in one piece.
I got better stuff to do.
Plus, we could use my TRC-218s
so we can split into two groups.
- What?
- [ERIN] She has walkie-talkies
so we can stay in touch.
All right. Fine. If it'll keep you three
from pissing your panties.
We'll ride up to Sunnydale together,
and then we'll split off into twos.
Walkie-talkie freak and preppy,
you're team one.
New Girl, you're with me.
All right, Big Mac.
My God.
I'm not gonna, like, bite you or something.
Come on.
[TIFF] Why are these old dorks
still dressing up?
I grew out of trick-or-treating
when I was eight.
It's a school night, for Pete's sake.
- Hell Day, bitches! Yeah!
- Yeah! Losers!
[KJ] Well, what was your last costume?
Before you decided to devote yourself fully
to the honor roll.
Astronaut. You?
I was Wayne Gretzky.
What were you, Mac?
[QUIETLY] I was a Care Bear.
[CHUCKLING] What was that?
- I said I was a Care Bear.
Oh, well, isn't that sweet?
I was fuckin' four!
What about you, New Girl?
Oh, um
Well, technically, I've only been once.
- Seriously?
- [ERIN] Yeah.
Well, it's stupid, but my mom used to think
it was, like, too dangerous
for me and my sister
to go out at night.
But I really think she was just scared
to talk to our neighbors 'cause, my mom
I mean, her English isn't so good.
But then I tried it, and I was like,
"I'm too old for this. No, thanks."
Oh, you guys can call me Er
[TIFF] Hold up, New Girl.
I need you to try out channel three.
Just press the big button
on the side to talk
if anything goes down, okay?
Come on, Tiff, let's go.
Testing. Check, check. Sibilance.
- I can hear you.
- Good.
Come on, we don't have all day.
Is it supposed to rain?
[TIFF] KJ, we need to take
the shortcut to Oswald.
No, this way's faster.
Let go of me! Get off. Get off me!
Hey. Hey!
Hey, get off her.
- Hey, get back here!
- Be afraid, tough guys!
Get back here!
- Oh, God!
- [KJ] Hey, where you going?
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Where's my walkie?
I'm so sorry. I promise
I'll get you another one.
Impossible. Do you have any idea how many
Christmas bonuses that cost me?
Kid just got jacked on her ass, Tonya.
Can you go a little easier on her?
Were those the same assholes?
I-I don't know. I couldn't see. I think so.
- [MAC] I bet it was Wally.
- It's okay. [HISSES] Ooh.
You'll be all right, okay? Just walk it off.
- Thank you.
- I think Mrs. Carson down the street
is usually up by now;
we should call the cops.
Piggies in this town aren't gonna do shit.
So, what, we just take it?
I'm so sick of being
messed with this morning.
[TIFF] Same.
I mean, we're just trying to deliver papers.
It's a public utility.
Well I'm not scared of
Wally Becker and his buddies.
Me neither.
[VOICE OVER WALKIE] Four, one, six, six.
Hey, ass clowns, if you can
hear this, get ready,
'cause we're coming to get our shit back.
Come on, let's do this.
Trust me, they went this way.
My brother and his friends party
over here all the time.
Must be some parties.
Yeah, you seem more like the champagne
and toast type, huh?
All right. Lights off.
Lights off. Leave 'em here.
Come on, come on, come on.
All right, five bucks says
Wally and his buddies
are hiding out in there.
So we're really going to fight these guys?
That's our plan?
If Tiff's walkie is broken,
we're murdering them.
Damn straight.
[QUIETLY] What is that smell?
Something stinks like
old gym socks and barf.
You ever been in a fight, New Girl?
You have? All right, show me your fists.
No, no. You gotta keep
the thumb on the outside,
or else you'll break it.
You can always just kick 'em.
Biting works, too.
- Hey.
You guys hear that?
[MAC] Come on. They're in the basement.
Super creepy basement?
Sure. Why not?

[WHISPERING] Turn it off.
[WHISPERING] Let's smoke these posers out.
Wait. I'll get it.
Okay, go for it.
- [TIFF] Are you ready?
- Okay. Okay.
- Hello, dickweeds!
- Give us back our
- You're gonna get your ass kicked, Wally!
- Give us back our walkie!
- I know it's you, asshole!
- Tiff, grab it!
- [MAC] Tiff!
- [KJ] Tiffany!
- [ERIN] Mac, look out!
Are you okay?
- Who the hell were they?
I don't know, but that sure as shit
wasn't Wally Becker.
Okay, guys, we should not be here right now.
They still have my walkie.
Who gives a shit about your walkie, Tonya?
- Did you see his face?
- Tiffany. - [KJ] Shh!
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Whoa, whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- Power's blown!
- Go! Go! - Go, go, go, go, go!
- [TIFF] Go! Go, go, go, go!
- [MAC] Come on, hurry!
- How do we get out of here?
- What was wrong with that guy's face?
- What time is it?
- [TIFF] Thirty minutes
- till sunrise.
- [ERIN] But it's so bright.
Or, at least, it's supposed to be.
I have to get home.
- Same.
- [MAC] Yeah, screw this. Run!
- Guys, come on, let's go.
- Come on! Let's get out of here.
- [MAC] Come on, hurry up.
- [TIFF] Go, move it.
What's going on?
All right, come on, my house isn't far.
Move, move! Let's get out of here!
Go faster.
- Mac, where's your phone?
- Just let me think. Just let me think.
Why does the sky look like that?
[TIFF] Calm down, everybody.
[MAC] All right.
What are you doing?
- Okay. New Girl, sit.
- [ERIN] Did you guys
You guys saw the sky, right?
[TIFF] There's no power.
[MAC] Dylan?
- Maybe they're at work?
- [MAC] What?
No. No, the factory's not open yet.
My brother couldn't get hired
to dig a ditch.
Are these yours?
[MAC] Whatever.
Not all of us get to live
in a JCPenney catalog.
[TIFF] I didn't mean to
Yeah, whatever. This is weird.
My dad doesn't go anywhere
without his smokes.
Maybe everybody has already been evacuated.
That's standard procedure
when there's a nuclear attack.
We don't know there's a nuclear attack.
You think it could be aliens?
I'm just saying we don't know.
Where my walkie?
- What the heck language is that?
- I think it's Russian.
- That's not funny.
- Come on.
I'm not trying to be funny.
Okay, guys, something
is seriously wrong here.
I know this is gonna sound insane,
but did anyone see any actual
people on our ride over here?
Come on, it's "fuck you o'clock"
early in the morning.
No, no, she's right.
'Cause, come to think of it,
I didn't see cars moving, either.
Did you?
- I have to go.
- [MAC] What?
- [KJ] Whoa. Hey.
- [MAC] Sorry, kid. Not an option.
We have no fucking idea what's going on
out there, and I'm not coming out
to save you when shit hits the fan.
All right, Mac. Take it easy on her. Jesus.
Make me.
You don't understand, okay? It's
I can't wait.
My mom-my mom can't even
go to the bank by herself.
I'm not like you guys.
People need me.
- [SCOFFS] The fuck's that supposed to mean?
- Yeah.
I'm-I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.
It's just
Her English.
- If it is some kind of
- Invasion.
emergency, she's not gonna
understand, okay?
Now let me go.
Whoa. No. New Girl, I'm sorry.
No. But Mac is right.
The best thing to do is stay put.
- Duck and cover.
- Tiffany.
Then it's decided.
Nobody in.
- Nobody out.
We wait here.
Well, if it is some kind of invasion,
at least I don't have to wear
that dumb dress
my mom bought for my bat mitzvah.
The hell is a bat mitzvah?
Don't worry about it.
[TIFF] I've only been doing this a year,
- but the stories I could tell you.
- [ERIN] No way.
Worse than baseball bat guy
thinking I stole his paper?
Way worse.
Like this one time, I went
to collect over on Marion.
Guy's a longtime subscriber for, like, ever.
I ring the doorbell,
get my whole spiel ready,
and when the door swings open,
he's completely naked.
- No underwear or anything?
- Butt naked.
- That's gross. God. - [ALL LAUGH]
Turns out he had somnambulism.
Is that contagious?
No. It-It's sleepwalking.
- Oh.
- [TIFF] He was asleep the whole time.
[KJ] Hmm.
- Guess his subscription got canceled.
- [LAUGHS] Sure did.
- [MAC] Dude, that's nothing.
You know, when I first started,
there was this bunch of younger guys
who'd get off the overnight shift
at the factory, and they'd throw, like,
full cans of beer at me on Amherst.
- That's messed up.
- [MAC] So messed up.
It was a total waste of good beer.
Here. Have some.
- Where'd you get that?
- Thanks.
We hand them out every year for Halloween.
Full size?
My family only hands out the little ones.
My mom's trying to make
our neighbors like us.
Our neighbors don't really like us.
[KJ] I like you.
- Same.
- Think fast.
Nice throw, dipshit.
Nice reflexes.
Thank you.
Guys, do you hear that?
[KJ] What is that?
What is that?
Whoa! What is that?
- [TIFF] Guys, hurry.
- [MAC] Shh!
- [TIFF] Stay away from the window.
- Down, down, get down!
- Okay, shh, shh.
[MAC] Fuck this.
It's the Soviets.
Is anybody out there?
[MAC] Are there people out there?
Are there people out there?
- Mac, what is that?
- [MAC] What does it look like?
- It's my dad's.
- Mac.
- Let's not do that.
- Put the gun down, Mac.
showed me where it was
in case shit ever hit the fan.
- Mac. Mac, put the gun down.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Keep it down. Keep it down.
- There is a goddamn invasion
- going on outside. We are on our own.
- I don't care.
- Please put the gun down.
- Put it down, Mac.
- It's not even loaded yet.
- Mac, stop it.
- Get your hand off of it.
- [TIFF] Guys!
Is is any is anybody hurt?
Oh, my
What did you do?
- [KJ] Erin?
[TIFF] Hey, Erin? Erin?
You got to stay with us.
Come on, come on, it's okay, Erin.

[TIFF] Is she okay?
[COUGHS] Who's driving?
[KJ] Tiffany. Tiffany's driving.
We're going we're going to the hospital.
We're gonna go to the hospital
for you, okay?
Stay with us, Erin.
What's-what's the theme song
of the show you love?
- What's that show, what's that show?
- Come on, Erin.
- Growing Pains.
- Growing Pains, yeah.
- I love that show.
- [KJ] Okay, sing it. Sing it for me, okay?
Show me that smile again ♪
Yeah, that's it. That's it.
Come on, let's keep going.
- Let's keep going.
- She-She's fading, Tiff.
Can't you drive any faster? Please, just go.
[TIFF] My mom only let me drive
once in a parking lot, okay?
Okay, you just got to stay awake, okay?
She's gonna be okay, right?
- She'll be okay, right?
- Where's my mom? Where's Missy?
- [TIFF] Hold on!
- [MAC] Stop! Brake, brake!
- Who the hell are these guys?
What's happening?
Okay, Tiffany, please,
drive, drive, drive!
- I'm trying!
No! No!
Hello there, kiddo.
Are we dead?
Not everyone who gets shot dies.
The future doesn't belong
to the fainthearted.
It belongs
to the brave.
[MAC] Get her up, get her up!
Erin, come on,
- come on, let's get up!
- [TIFF] Where are we going?
- [MAC] What the hell?
- We stopped moving.
[MAC] Come on. Come on.
- Come on, come on, come on, let's go.
- [TIFF] We have to go, now!
- Move! - [KJ] Where did you take us?
- [MAC] Nice and easy.
Where the hell are we?
[TIFF] Let her down. Easy. Easy,
easy, easy.
[KJ] Did we just fly?
[HECK] [STATICKY] Listen, okay?
Your friend's gonna be
all right, but we have traveled
Do you understand "traveled"?
What do you mean, "we traveled"?
- This stupid thing.
- Who's this guy, E.T.?
But you're caught up in
something here that-that
[MAC] You really picked
- the wrong time to fuck with us.
- I knew it was the Soviets.
- Not the time, Tiff.
- [MAC] That's funny, give me another.
[HECK] Just get back
in the capsule. Please.
Look, I can explain more once you're safe.
She's gonna fucking die!
- They're gonna be here soon.
- Who's gonna be here?
- We've all Please
- Get back! I am warning you!
I don't think you realize this,
but you're a long way from home.
[GRUNTS] They're here.
Help me get her up! Help me get her up!
Go, go, go.
This can't be real. This can't be real.
[GASPS] Oh, my God! This is real!
This is real!
- Come on!
- Come on, come on, come on!
- [MAC] Whoa!
- [KJ] You're alive!
[MAC] How are you still standing?
- Keep moving!
- [MAC] Go!
Come on.
That'll get you Underground.
Go to home.
I don't understand. What is this?
What do they want?
[KJ] Tiff, come on, we got to go.
Go, go, go! Come on, come on. Come on.
- Let's go, Erin! Come on.
- [KJ] Come on! Let's go!
Stop! Guys, stop!
They-they murdered them.
Wait. How-how are you not dead?
It's not
It's not possible.
Thank God. I thought I killed you.
You almost did!
New Girl, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
My name is Erin. It's not New Girl.
[SHOUTING] My name is Erin, okay?!
Erin. Okay. Fine.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Erin.
All right? I didn't mean to.
It was an accident. All right?
Is anybody else hurt?
I don't know what I am.
If we-if we are where we think we are,
my house isn't far, okay? We just
we just gotta keep going.
No argument there.
- None of you move!
Are you Underground?
What's what's Underground?
What's Underground?
- Come on, man, please. No, please.
- [KJ] Stop. Just stop!
Please, please don't shoot her!
Hey! Is it this?
Is this what you're after? Here.
Is he is he is he
is he dead? Is he
[MAC] Holy shit.
- He's not moving.
[TIFF] He was gonna kill us.

[ERIN] This is it, right here.
[MAC] Come on. Come on, open the door.
I'm trying.
Mom? Missy?
- Take your shoes off.
- Good, the power's back.
- Mom?
- [MAC] Thank God.
Mom! Missy!
[WOMAN] Hey! Who's there?
I'm calling the cops.
- [MAC] That your mom?
- No.
What are you doing in my house?
Wh-What are you doing in my house?
- I live here.
- No, I live here.
Erin, are you sure this is the right house?
Erin, you need to see this.
[WOMAN] How do you know my name?
Who the hell are you kids?
No! No, no, no, no, no. That's not possible.
Wait a minute. That's her.
The fuck are you talking about, she's her?
Look at her.
[ERIN] Oh, my God.
This can't be.
Time, time, time ♪
See what's become of me ♪
While I looked around ♪
For my possibilities ♪
I was so hard to please ♪
Look around, leaves are brown ♪
And the sky ♪
Is a hazy shade of winter ♪
Hear the Salvation Army band ♪
Down by the riverside ♪
There's bound to be a better ride ♪
Than what you've got planned ♪
Carry your gun in your hand ♪
Look around, leaves of brown ♪
And the sky ♪
Is a hazy shade of winter ♪
Hang on to your hopes, my friend ♪
That's an easy thing to say ♪
But if your hopes should pass away ♪
Simply pretend ♪
That you can build them again ♪
Look around, grass is high ♪
Fields are ripe ♪
It's the springtime of my life ♪
Seasons change with the scenery ♪
Weaving time in a tapestry ♪
Won't you stop and remember me? ♪
Look around, leaves are brown ♪
There's a patch of snow on the ground ♪
Look around, leaves are brown ♪
There's a patch of snow on the ground ♪♪
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