Paper Girls (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

Weird Al Is Dead

Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
There's no way that was me.
How the fuck did she get in the house?
Okay, okay. Come on!
I know what to do. I know what to do.
And then, and then,
you're gonna tell them what?
Erin, what are you gonna tell them?
That the the 12-year-old
version of yourself broke
into your house with her
punk friends you never had?
You know, maybe time travel's
just a normal thing in 2019?
Oh, yeah. That makes sense.
'Cause back home, we were
meeting friendly future robots
and Civil War soldiers all the time.
- This is fucking insane.
- I know.
That was future me.
That-That's who I become.
And I just I just ran away like a child.
This isn't real.
Oh. This is a psychotic break.
There has to be some explanation.
Um, I-I-I don't still
live in the same house.
I'm supposed to be
Is my husband coming home soon?
Are my kids asleep upstairs?
Maybe we're dead.
What? Time travel is so much
more likely than we're dead?
If we're dead, then we're in hell.
Do you guys think that he's okay?
I mean, I know that
that he-he wasn't
moving, but he could be okay, right? He's
I don't know.
I think just all
of this has to be undone.
Or we have to undo this
or reverse it somehow or
- Oh, fuck.
- Okay.
- So we go back to that space capsule thing.
- No.
No, no-no, stop. No, anything.
We're not going there.
If we really did time travel
Which we don't know is a fact.
Makes more sense than we're dead.
- Whatever.
- This has to matter.
Whatever this is.
Dude, for all we know, it could
be a futuristic drink coaster.
Drink coaster?
Well, what about what about her? You?
You, if that really is future you up there,
then maybe she can call someone.
Who's she gonna call? Time travel 911?
Do you want to call 911?
Oh, good Lord, there are future robots.
What the? What is that thing?
Do you want to call 911?
Do you want to call 911?
Oh, shit.
Please open the door.
I'm right here. I'm just
Just hold on for a second, okay?
Just open the door, please.
Okay, this isn't real. This isn't real.
This is real.
Oh, fuck.
Please don't swear right now.
Are our kids asleep?
What happened to Mom?
The important thing is that
she's not suffering anymore.
Did something happen to Missy, too?
- Is she dead?
- What?
Well, where is she?
Don't we still hang out?
I, uh
I basically had some struggles, and
Missy wasn't exactly there for me.
You know, and then everything
with Mom, and, uh
The answer to your question is "no."
People grow up, and things change, you know?
Missy has her whole life, and, uh
I have mine.
So we're married?
Oh, you sound just like Mom.
We're still single.
Are we, um you, happy?
That's a
loaded word when you're my age, kid.
Let's see. I bet you are,
uh, obsessed with Growing Pains right now.
Well, uh, surprise.
The Tiengs aren't the Seavers.
We never were, and, uh,
it's just me, so it's not even plural.
I mean, Missy's got her whole fucking life,
and, uh, you know, me, I
I've just got my house, my job,
my dumb little car, and, uh,
my Xanax.
Seems like the only thing
that's gotten better is
that people in town have stopped
assuming I own a laundromat.
What is your job?
I, uh, work in the court system.
- A lawyer?
- Paralegal.
Yes, a paralegal.
What do you want me to say?
Yeah, I-I don't even remember
what I wanted to be when I was your age.
A U.S. senator and a mother of four.
Wow. Well, as you can see,
that did not transpire.
We need to stay here with you
at least for the night.
Sure, yeah. Of course.
Also, are we sick?
That's very unclear at the moment.
Oh, my God.
May I ask you why you're covered in blood?
Oh, um,
one-one of the other girls
downstairs shot me
in the stomach, but I'm okay now.
Yeah, I got it.
I don't really got it, but
I mean, you seem okay.
Here you go.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Oh. You guys ate all my pickles.
I kind of have a thing for pickles.
Yeah. I know.
I'm good.
Uh, Mac? Mac?
Mac! Hello?
Yeah, do you do you
at least want a blanket
or some clothes to sleep in?
My brother tells me to never wear anything
that you wouldn't be comfortable
passing out in.
Sounds like quite a guy.
Maybe you should give him my number.
In this time you fall,
here you rest for all infinity.
What update for Grand Father?
But this causality
It be over.
I'm sorry about your mom.
Me, too.
Yeah. Thanks.
Is that your dad?
He died when I was nine.
My mom never got over it.
It's nice to have such
a special place for pictures.
It's a thing in China, to remember people.
There's all these rules.
Like, it has to face a window or a balcony.
And be a certain height.
I used to think it was stupid.
Do you guys think all our parents are dead?
Tiff, God.
Our pets are definitely dead.
That's horrible.
I have a hamster.
You mean "had."
Weird Al is dead.
What? He's probably just old.
My hamster's name is "Weird Al."
Weird Al?
Okay, KJ, do you have any pets?
Yes, I do.
I have a dog,
and I had sea monkeys.
You're making that up.
Oh, man. Missy and I used
to have sea monkeys, too.
There was this boy in first grade,
and his name was
- Weird Al?
- No, stop.
It was Craig Wick some.
I brought in our sea monkeys
to show everyone.
And then when I opened up
the plastic lid, you know,
the top and it smelled like
it smelled like pee.
The smell was always so bad.
I am seen,
and I am worthy.
Emotionally, I'm gonna win.
I'm gonna win.
And in my life,
I'm I'm
I'm gonna.
Home sweet home.
What are you doing out here?
Jesus Christ! You could have killed me!
Ugh! I almost caved your skull in.
Seriously, what are you doing?
Why do you have a wrench?
In case somebody sneaks up
on me in the dark.
Where the hell are we?
You don't recognize it?
I live here.
Mac, I'm really sorry.
You know
if you squint,
future Stony Steam still
looks pretty much the same.
Except I passed where my school
was, back on Amhearst
it's totally gone now, which is excellent.
Mrs. Carson's house is for sale.
What? She'd be, like, what? 116 now?
Yup. She's bones.
Oh, my God, that is so messed up.
That's the auto plant.
My dad works there.
Worked, now, I guess.
It's bones now.
- Sorry.
- Yeah, it's fine.
Between the Japs and the Jameson,
he barely had a job anyway.
Hey, would you stop with all that?
Why? Because they're not coming
for your dad's bank job?
Mm, nuh-uh. You know, "they" aren't coming
for anyone's dad's jobs.
And you can't really say that stuff.
It's not it's not okay, okay?
I don't even want to go near
what else you probably say
- Get off my case.
- No, really.
How I'm the rich girl with the banks
- and the champagne and
- What's the big deal?
Explain to me, what is the big deal?
Have you ever heard of the Holocaust?
Oh, give me a break.
Ask my grandmother about it sometime.
I'm sure she really enjoyed it.
- This isn't Nazi Germany.
- And yet,
someone wrote "Jew Bitch"
on my locker last year.
Well, um
I wouldn't I wouldn't
do anything like that.
Good to know.
Whose is this?
Easy. Easy now.
Is this yours?
Yeah, yeah, it's mine.
You know, me and the boys had
a real good scrimmage going
before you dorks showed up
and started blasting away.
Who's KJ Brandman?
Is KJ Underground?
That's-that's enough. Yes, yes.
Is he working alone?
Lou is the leader.
Lou? Good. How many more in the cell?
You got John Cale.
Sometimes even Andy Warhol gets
This is the problem with you teenagers.
So much confidence, such bad judgment.
Now tell me the truth.
We're heading out to the woods
where we arrived,
but we need you to take us.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
What-what-what time is it?
Like I was saying, we need to go back
to where the time capsule thing was.
Can you take us?
Um, back to where the
intergalactic battle happened?
Um, I'm still coming around on, uh
time traveling.
Yeah. One thing at a time.
You know, the slower you move,
the longer we're going to be living here.
This is it.
So where'd he go?
Maybe he just got up
after-after we left, and he's fine.
Who's okay?
You know what? Don't worry about it.
But what I'm stuck on is
where's all the blood?
- Excuse me?
- She's right.
Someone must have mopped it all up.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit.
My hockey stick, where is it?
Do you see it? Where is it?
Look for it, Tiff.
Where is it? They know who I am.
All right, all right, all right. Calm down.
I can't find it. Where is it?
It's probably just
in the bushes or something.
We were just here. How could it not be here?
What the hell are you doing?
Oh, I'm just documenting this
and hoping it'll help us later on. You know?
Is that a camera?
- Right. So, uh
- Holy shit.
Yeah, so, uh, you know,
in the future, uh,
there are phones with no cords.
We have those already.
Some of us.
No, like, they're phones,
but they're also computers
that you can take out of your house
and carry around in your pocket, and
I knew I recognized this.
This is a computer.
Where would you go if this broke?
I might know someone.
I thought the future would be cooler
I was hoping it wouldn't come to this,
but maybe it's time to call future me.
Do you trust her?
I thought the future would be cooler
But do you think she's capable?
It was rad seeing my house gone.
Only thing that would have made it better
would've been watching that wrecking ball
go right through it.
That seems kind of, I don't know
Now I'm free.
I'm not.
I need to get back to Hell Day.
My mom needs me and my sister.
All right, whatever, it's your funeral.
You know what feels good, though?
What I didn't find.
Some sorry-assed, older me,
alcoholic husband,
not doing shit.
You know, I knew
I got the fuck out of Dodge.
Future's so bright, right?
The point is, I'm just letting that shit be.
Lucky you.
Come on now, that's not
what I was trying to say.
About you getting shot
In this tree
I know you know that it wasn't my fault.
I know you know this, but, it's just,
if there are any hard feelings,
please know that
I'm glad that you didn't die
when the gun went off.
Uh, I'm sorry I shot you.
It won't happen again.
Thank you.
You handled it like a real champ.
My brother would say you have the cojones.
Hell's that mean?
Like, boy nuts, balls.
No, it's means you're tough.
You know?
But then came the day
I always thought I'd grow up
and have a house with two
stories, right next to Missy's.
Our kids are supposed to be best friends
and go to the same private schools.
I just expected more of myself, you know?
Well, future you is not all that bad, okay?
You're just being hard on yourself.
She did give you that rad shirt
I went to the city
which says "dumb" on it.
I mean, it is her shirt.
It fits you.
Shut up.
Just saying.
- Hey.
- Hey.
It's been a minute, huh? How are you?
Uh, good, good.
Yeah, um
How did you handle
the power outage last night?
Oh, uh, you know, just waited
for it to come back on.
Me, too.
It's why I never leave my,
uh, backup drives plugged in.
Good tip.
Got to be honest, I didn't think
I would hear from you,
which was weird because I had a lot of fun.
Yeah, I've you know, I-I've been busy.
I'm just really happy to see you.
- Oh. Yeah.
- Yeah.
I thought that night was great.
We, uh, split that bottle
of wine at Buca di Beppo.
Ah, yeah,
talked the night away.
What is she doing?
Is that her boyfriend?
Those are my nieces.
Over there, yeah.
I bet you're, like,
the hip aunt they want to be
when they grow up.
Oh, yeah, I doubt that.
Um, hey, so, uh, here-here's the issue.
Um, I've got this thing
I need to get repaired.
- It's
- Whoa.
Wow. Where did you get this?
I've never seen anything like it.
I know, right? It's really
Yeah, it's definitely not mass-market.
Not yet.
Are you even supposed to have this?
Well, it's a, uh
Uh, you know, I-I'm working
on this patent case,
and my bosses, down at the firm,
wanted me to run down the specs.
So, anyway,
it's all really kind of top secret, Koko.
Okay, right on. Top secret.
Look at you.
Okay, look, well, let's try,
um, charging it first, right?
- Okay. Yeah.
- Okay.
Could be as simple as a dead battery.
Let's see if it'll, uh,
pull juice wirelessly.
Okay. Okay.
Okay, I think it's fried.
Oh Oh, shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
What are you doing?!
- What did you do?!
- Oh, oh, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Don't-don't worry,
everything's gonna be fine.
Oh, my God.
We're never getting home.
Tiff, yes, yes, we are.
We're gonna get back. It's okay.
It's not okay. I was on track for MIT.
And now we're not getting home.
You'll get home.
- No, I won't.
- You will.
'Cause I'm standing in the
middle of a computer store
where some guy you're boning
just torched and buried our only chance
- to get home.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna go to the back
- Yeah.
- and look for a
- Yeah, okay, Koko.
Thank you so much. Are-are
you Is your hand okay?
- Tiff.
- Oh.
Look at me. Hey.
We're gonna get home.
I don't know, but when we do,
you know who's gonna be there for you?
Weird Al.
And even Weird Al is dead.
Tiffany, come on.
Okay. Okay, okay, you know what? Fuck it.
Tiff, we're gonna find future you.
In fact, we're gonna find future all of you.
Yeah, we need myself.
She'll know what to do.
She'll have a perfect handle on all of this.
- Okay. Yeah.
- Yes. I'm sure she's amazing and brilliant
and in a very high-income tax bracket.
We need a phone book.
They don't have that anymore.
There aren't even phone books?
Relax, relax. We'll go
on the Internet and find her.
What's the Internet?
This is amazing.
- So, this is just, like
- Uh, can you just not.
- You-you
- Everything, like,
all human knowledge, you can
just go to it with a computer?
Well, eh, sort of.
There's also a-a lot of bullshit on here.
- Could I just
- Um, yeah.
Yeah. Go ahead.
Go ahead.
Hey, look, look.
Maybe if you move that to the side.
Mac, get off. You'll break it.
Try hitting that one.
You want to do it? Go ahead.
So, uh, how are you
holding up with everything?
This thing, uh, in the woods that happened,
did-did somebody get hurt?
All I can think about is why was it me?
I don't know how to use this thing.
- Just let me do it.
- Why-why was it me and not one of them?
Why did I just attack him like that?
Have you ever hurt anybody before?
Never? Not even, like,
in sports or anything?
Oh, I I never really played sports, KJ.
And, uh, I don't really
follow sports, either.
Um, although, you know, I-I do
like a good baseball game,
every now and then.
Are the Indians still crap in the future?
No, it gets better.
Pretty soon, it gets better, but, you
know, I don't want to spoil anything.
How much better?
A lot better, but, you know,
they're still the Indians, but, uh
Although that name has
gotten a lot less okay.
What are you guys talking about?
- Enter your name.
- You don't even like baseball.
Try a name.
I have an institute.
I have my own institute.
It's the Quilkin Institute.
See, I told you I knew my shit.
Are you even serious right now?
Future me will know how to get us home.
Seems like you've done everything perfectly
in your life.
She's in Cleveland,
so we need to get on the road, ASAP.
Hey, hey, hey. Stop. Stop.
Everyone, listen.
No one is going to Cleveland.
We need to take a beat, okay?
- Take a beat?
- Yes.
That's your plan?
Oh, Christ. Will you cut me some slack?
Look, I said I was sorry
that-that whatever it is,
- that it
- You mean whatever it was?
Yes. That it fritzed out or whatever.
Look, I'm just saying that,
you-you know, rushing around
We need to get home.
Okay? We have responsibilities.
You're supposed to be an adult, aren't you?
- Why is this so hard to understand for you?
- I'm not saying
you should just give up.
That's funny coming from you.
What's that supposed to mean?
- Guys.
- Remember in the fourth grade
when we had the assembly and they talked
about the year 2000?
Mrs. Anderson said, "Some of you
will have jobs that haven't
even been invented yet."
Why on earth would I remember that?
Did you ever even try to do anything?
Look, I'm sorry
I couldn't get elected to fucking Congress
and shit out four kids.
Or nothing?
And you couldn't even do that right.
I'm sorry, but you
are literally the worst version
of how my life could've gone!
Okay, you know, you-you
you may think that you know what you want,
but the truth is
you have no idea who you even are.
You're-you're a 12-year-old kid.
Jesus Christ, I have DVDs
that are older than you.
Oh, and apparently,
we're the same person, so really,
- you're just taking a shit on yourself.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Okay, well, you know what?
I might become you, but I'm not you yet.
And I'm going to make sure
that never happens.
Oh, well, good luck. 'Cause news flash,
this paper route you're so proud of?
You quit it after one day.
These girls, they
don't even remember your name.
You're no one to them.
New Girl. That's it.
You want to blame me for being a quitter?
Well, I got my start a long time ago.
You're right, Tiff.
I'm sure whoever you turned out
to be is way more helpful.
I'm betting anyone is. Let's go.
At least you have a place.
Some kind of job, too.
- You could've been a crack whore, so
- Really?
- Mac, come on.
- Fine.
Well, I'm sure KJ's the one in prison.
I don't remember
the bus station being this far.
It's been 31 years.
Who knows if the bus station's
even still here.
At this rate, we'll never make it
out of Stony Stream before dark.
We've got to think about a place
we can crash or something.
How much do you think tickets are now?
No idea.
I only got a couple bucks on me.
Wait, where's the device?
That thing is the only clue
we have to get home.
How the fuck should I know?
Nobody took it?
- You mean you forgot it.
- We have to go back and get it.
- Are you kidding me?
- How is future me gonna help us
if we don't have the one device
that could get us home?
- Stupid thing didn't even work anyway.
- Hell no.
- I'm not going back there.
- Hey,
guys, where are we gonna stay tonight?
What the fuck?
STF Unit 953. Enable system?
Yes? Yes.
No. No, no.
Deactivate. Unactivate. Come on, stop!
System arming.
System armed.
These fucking kids.
This is spooky.
What happened to it?
At least it's got a roof.
That everything was fine
I remember these.
I used to play here for hours.
That used to be KB Toys.
Missy and I would beg our mom
to take us in there.
My parents bought me an Atari
four-switch VCS system there.
That was Chick-fil-A.
Man, I could go
for some waffle fries right now.
- That would be awesome.
- Yes. Oh, my God.
With you
Remember when Debbie Gibson played here?
That was amazing. I begged
my mom for weeks to get tickets.
- Me, too.
- That was
the first time I ever heard her music.
I'd only seen her in magazines.
She's so cool.
"She's so cool."
Debbie Gibson fucking blows.
I remember the first time I saw you, Mac.
It was over there by the big fountain,
and your brother, he was fishing out coins,
and you went up behind him,
and you pushed him in.
Here we go.
Mac's brother. I bet he's the one in prison.
Hey, fuck you.
You think you know my family?
And you. What are you, some kind of stalker?
- No. I was just here shopping with my mom.
- Yeah,
- it's fucking creepy.
- God, Mac.
Why do you have to be
such a dick all the time?
You know, I'm kind of sick of
everybody talking about the good ole days
like they were actually good.
You've been to my house, moneybags,
so don't act like you didn't
notice how fucking poor we are.
And I have that route
because I need money for lunch.
Not to buy toys, Inspector fucking Gadget.
- Okay, sorry.
- And, New Girl,
life isn't supposed to be
some perfect sitcom.
- Come on, Mac.
- It's not like we're friends anyway.
We got together for one morning
to deliver papers.
We don't all have to do
the same thing all the time
like cheery best Baby-Sitter Club buddies.
It's fucking stupid, and it's lame.
The thing we're all doing
is trying to get back home.
Fuck that.
I'm not going back.
What are you talking about?
Of course you're going back.
Are you joking right now?
We have to stay together.
Oh. You know, actually,
we don't.
Remember that computer at adult you's house?
Well, I used it to look up my brother.
Guess what, Erin.
Guess what, Tiff?
He's an ER doctor now.
How 'bout them apples.
Maybe future Coyles
aren't dog shit after all.
I'm gonna go stay with him for a while.
Then we'll come with you.
Yeah, you're not invited, dickheads.
- Come on.
- Mac, it's safer
- if we stick together.
- Why?
Future you doesn't even remember any of us.
So you know what that means?
It means that we don't give
a shit about each other anyway.
Just let her go
if she thinks she's so tough.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm.
'Cause you're the stone-cold psycho
who killed a guy with your hockey stick.
- Yeah, so hit me. You gonna hit me?
- Guys, stop it.
- Huh? Yeah, go ahead.
- Fuck you.
That's what I thought.
Anyway, it's been real.
See you in the future, I guess.
Or never.
Which is also fine.
The cheetah utilizes
- short bursts of speed
- Skylar called.
She wanted to know where we stood on hosting
the Homeowner's Dinner this year.
- Ozzie?
- Huh?
Do you want to host
the Homeowner's Dinner again?
Ah, do we need to?
It's 50 people traipsing through the house,
and then we always end up
with two weeks' worth
of leftover bruschetta. It's
- All right. You expecting somebody?
- No.
It's not the end of the world, darling.
The cheetah's night vision is poor,
compared to others in the big cat kingdom.
- Hi, there.
- Hi.
I'm Karen.
- Ozzie.
- What a beautiful home.
We just moved in off Sycamore Road.
Oh, the older development.
Is this yours?
My daughter was playing in
the woods out back and found it.
I saw the name and asked around.
You-you found this out
in the woods over there?
- That's impossible.
- So you do recognize it.
What What are you Ozzie?
- Hold on. Take it easy, now.
- What are
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