Paradise PD (2018) s02e03 Episode Script

Tucker Carlson Is a Huge D**k

1 [news theme plays.]
I'm Tucker Carlson, and I don't like you either.
Tonight, the most devastating assault yet on our American way of life: A rampaging mob of women violently protest at a Hooters.
[dog barks.]
Them women are right.
Hooters is sexist.
Every time I apply, they say my tits is too big.
Help me! I hate to interrupt this important "police work," but I'm taking the day off.
It's a black holiday.
What is it? Ashy Wednesday? Come on, Hopson.
That's racist.
Hmm, you're telling me.
Chief only gave me a half day off for Ashy Wednesday.
Uh, no, today's, uh Martin Lawrence King day.
All right, all these black holidays sound like a crock of [he stutters.]
I feel like I'm walking on eggshells here.
Oh, those are mine.
A celebrity we can't mention has a health website and she said puttin' a couple eggs up your keister balances the chakras.
But they won't stay put.
I guess there's too many miles on my turd tunnel.
[eggs squelch.]
[he farts.]
These feminist terrorists, or as I call them, "Gal-Qaeda," won't stop until they take our manhood.
Well, if they want to take my tiny inverted penis they'll have to pry it from the pink Barbie salad tongs I use to hold it when I urinate.
Gal-Qaeda's coming after my favorite sexist restaurant and the sad remains of my precious manhood.
Dad, that's just more Tucker Carlson bullshit.
Like when he said zombie raccoons were on the loose.
Or that pandas were sex-crazed killing machines.
Or craziest of all, that Kanye West has said some genuinely interesting things.
Don't talk smack about Tucker Carlson.
He's right.
Women have nothing to complain about.
They can be anything they want these days.
Like that celebrity we can't mention who's clearly a doctor.
- [Hopson farts.]
- [chick tweets.]
I agree with Chief.
Sexism isn't that bad anymore.
It's not like I have a lower salary than the male officers.
They just also get a 22% penis bonus.
Penis bonus? How about I solve pay inequality by ripping your dongs off? Randall, what is this? Gina gets paid less than you idiots? She's your best cop.
I insist you pay her equally.
No can do, Karen.
Women's equality is dangerous.
Tucker said so.
- How does that even make sense? - Glad you asked.
Women get the vote.
Women start wearing pants.
Women get equal pay.
Skipping ahead, skipping ahead Pile of Terminator skulls.
Okay, then.
Apology accepted.
If you won't raise Gina's pay, I'll do something to prove women are just as valuable as men.
I'm starting an all-women police force! [Karen yells.]
[Gina yells.]
Is this really all the women we could find in this town? A receptionist, a circus freak That's a car.
And what's the celebrity we can't mention doing here? I'm just here to sell my diarrhea to this old man.
She says it cures dandruff.
[murmurs and chatter.]
Everybody, shut up! The Kingpin is coming to update us on Operation DD, or at least tell us what "DD" stands for.
I hope it's Operation Double-D and we get implants so we can titty-fuck each other is what the devil would say.
It is probably Operation Dilly-Dally because we have been waiting here for one, two, three days! Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Laugh is just coping mechanism since wife died.
She had stage one, two, three cancer.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
[door opens.]
All right, Legion of Dooooom.
Today, Operation DD goes into overdrive.
Introducing houndstooth meth.
It's ten times more potent than argyle meth - and 100 times more fashion-forward.
- [zipper loosens.]
I've got the recipe, but to make it, we need a tanker truck of methylamine.
So let me introduce our new supplier, but let me warn you, he's the lowest of the low.
An evil, slimy motherfucker.
[rats squeak.]
Brett DeMarco, pharmaceutical sales rep.
Oh, dear God! [croaks.]
We know you have many choices when choosing a soulless money-obsessed drug company.
We appreciate your business.
Brett, I can assure you, we're using this chemical for legitimate scientific purposes, not to kill people.
Ha! Like we care.
My company makes opioids.
We killed 300 people in the time it just took me to say "300 people.
" [chuckles.]
Killed one, two, three hundred people! Ha, ha, ha.
This is a crippling form of OCD.
Alrighty! Welcome everybody to Paradise's new all-men police force.
Karen took over the police station, so, uh, thanks for letting us use your crib, hobo cop.
- [Hopson snores.]
- [slurred.]
Well, uh, I want you guys to feel at home here.
Alexa, play some salsa music.
I don't understand why we have to work outside.
What am I supposed to do, just shit on the ground and kick dirt at it like some kind of animal? Most dogs shit outside, Bullet.
Yeah, well most people don't sweat when they think.
Oh, yeah? Well, most dogs Hold on, let me think.
Look, we don't need no police station, or Karen, or no TWAT team, right? "TWAT" team? Like "SWAT"? Nobody? Alright, I'll think of something better.
It's not just the station, Dad.
Instead of giving up a few dollars for Gina, you gave up the uniforms, the squad cars, and all the weapons.
So? We'll get new man uniforms and get new man squad cars and we'll get man weapons, crossbows, ninja stars, t-shirt cannons! - [they cheer.]
- [Hopson.]
What the hell's going on? All right, Thester.
This stuff is explosive, so drive carefully.
Save three seconds by taking unfinished, dangerous pothole road on left.
- All right, then.
- [engine revs.]
[they groan and stutter.]
Thester! You're gonna kill us! No, I'm not.
Those masked bandits behind us are going to kill us.
What? - [gunfire.]
- I spent every penny I have on this truck.
Do something, Thester! I'm trying, but there's no "bandit ambush" in the dropdown menu.
How will I warn the other Wazers? [tires squeal.]
- [brakes screech.]
- [Thester gasps.]
[brakes screech.]
Who are you? The Russians? The Chinese? Mumford and Sons? Oh, no! We're Gal-Qaeda.
You're real? Holy shit! Tucker Carlson was right about something? All right, motherfucker.
Give me everything out the register.
[register dings.]
And hand over two job applications.
We noticed you're hiring.
[sirens approach.]
[rock music plays.]
Freeze! Paradise PD Men's Force.
- [rock music.]
- Get 'em! [Hopson groans.]
[Hopson farts.]
[Dusty munches.]
Mmm! Hopson, your ass eggs are better than Denny's.
Well, do something! Ninja star 'em, Kevin.
Fuck!! I forgot to let go.
Boys, I'm going in.
Now, that's a good cop.
No, I just want to take a shit indoors.
May I please get the restroom key? I don't know how I can thank [Bullet groans.]
uh, you.
Everyone relax.
The real cops are here.
[Gina grunts.]
Hey, Carla.
You're looking really good.
I see you're waxing now.
My entire body, from my grill to my gas hole.
[he stammers.]
[punching and groans.]
I think I got the worst end of this.
I beg to differ.
This is a fucking disaster! The women's force was supposed to get me good publicity.
But it's overshadowed by your violent rage-fest.
I do not need this in my life! On it! Fuck you, dying media.
Violence is not the answer! It is for nine across, hun.
Gina, I need good press, so you need to learn to be more ladylike, and I know the perfect teacher.
Someone poised, polished and the epitome of feminine grace.
- Anton.
- [Anton squeals.]
Fear not, liebling.
If I can teach Nancy Pelosi to stop cupping her farts, I can work with anyone.
You hired a man to teach me how to be a lady? Well, I could've hired a woman for 22% less, - but I wanted someone good.
- [bristling sound.]
Can you not do that? What? I got gum stuck in it.
I can't believe a woman made us look like idiots! - You mean Gina? - No, I mean Kevin.
Don't worry.
I've got the hang of these ninja stars now.
- Fuck! - You throw like a fetus! A girl fetus! But I am going to fix that.
I'm going to teach you how to be more unladylike.
I am going to make you a man.
Will you make me a man, too? He should be 6' 4 ", look like Charlton Heston and have three assholes.
Where'd you get this houndstooth meth? - The Legion of Dooooo - Enough of your lies! Nein! A lady never interrupts a man when he is speaking.
But he's a piece-of-shit criminal.
Ja, und if you interrupt him, he will never ask you to marry him.
Robbie always says why marry the cow when you can plow the cow for free? You can find that quote and many more in my book, Proverbs for Perverts, available now at Barnes & Noble.
All right.
Here's lesson one of how to be a man's man.
Dad, what the hell are you doing? I'm going to teach you how to make a campfire by rubbing two dicks together.
You rub two sticks together.
Okay, then.
Apparently, I was molested in the Boy Scouts.
Many times.
Help! That man stole my purse! I'll get him.
- That's it! Back straight, shoulders up.
- [Gina grunts.]
[she grunts and sighs.]
Nein! From the top.
[she groans.]
Holy shit, Gina! You bought my book.
Let me sign this for you.
Who should I make this shit out to? Next I'm going to teach you the most manly thing a man can do.
Headbutt a ram.
What? No, I'm not gonna do that.
What? Okay, sure, no problem.
That's reasonable.
- Hey, your shoelace is untied.
- [ram snorts.]
Oh, shit! [he stammers.]
Five second rule.
Attaboy! Your first ram coma.
Ooh, got a little brain-bleed there.
Nothing a testosterone patch won't fix.
- Come on! - [rustling.]
Ha! Kevin, you don't know shit.
[she yells.]
Operation DD is in the shitter and all my money is gone.
Not to worry, boss.
I've got lots of ideas that will make us money.
Like decorative, non-functioning trampolines for people who hate their kids, but still want the high status of a trampoline owner.
Shut the fuck up, Thester! Where are we? Why are you doing this? Because we as a sex are tired of not being heard, so our plan is to Okay.
Let me stop you right there.
The first thing you need is a plan, little lady.
If you could stop mansplaining, we do have a plan.
We Okay, whoa.
I can hear you.
You don't have to shout, tootsie.
- [she groans.]
- I think what you're trying to say is [he groans.]
- What's her problem, then? - I don't know, I wasn't listening.
Okay, ladies.
Listen up.
We've got a very serious crime in progress.
A jaywalker.
Don't worry.
I'll stop him from jaywalking.
Or any walking.
Nein, Gina.
Be a lady.
If you want to kill him, kill him with kindness.
Oh, fine.
I'll try talking to him.
Uh, hey there.
[she stutters.]
Uh, you having a bad day? Wow! Your words have really put me in touch with my feelings.
Feelings of homicidal rage! [screaming.]
- [engine revs.]
- [rock music plays.]
[Crawford laughs, then groans.]
Hey, Karen, your "vag-es with badges" Sick burn, Crawford.
can't even handle a simple jay-killer.
We are doing fine, thank you very much.
[she screams.]
[she continues screaming.]
Don't worry.
The men'll handle it with our new secret weapon.
[engine revs.]
Is that Kevin? Kevin Rides two motorcycles at the same time Doesn't understand a self-checkout line Attends funerals in cargo pants Impregnates women with a single glance Takes a dump but doesn't wash his hands Doesn't clap when the plane la-a-ands Kev Man Ha, you missed.
Kev Ma-a-an! [Fitz grunts.]
We'll never escape with three guards to distract.
I gotta pee.
I'll come with you.
Me too! [he scoffs.]
Now, if we could just get out of these Oh, they just tied a bow.
There's the exit! No way.
We are not leaving until we find that truck and get my investment back.
But we're two men in an all-lady compound.
They'll notice us.
Yeah, but they won't notice Mrs.
Doubtfire and Madea.
Hey! Why are you two idiots dressed as men dressed as women? Let's get out of here! In these heels? What the hell is all this? I'll tell you exactly what this is.
- This is where we - Make meth.
Ladies do like to cook.
Shop and cook.
Now maybe I can speak without you being condescending.
[muffled speech.]
We're not making drugs.
Methylamine can also be made into a chemical that dissolves penises.
Oh, look who's listening now! We just needed the perfect delivery method.
Hot wing sauce.
There are two things no man can resist.
Buffalo wings and touching their dirty, dirty ding-dongs.
Since wing sauce stays on your fingers for three days and no man can go half a day without jerking it, we will rid the world of all penises! [laughs.]
[buzzer sounds.]
We call our plan to dissolve dicks "Operation DD.
" What? Operation DD? You can't dissolve my dick and steal my evil plan name.
Let me handle this, boss.
Here's our offer.
You dissolve our dicks, but we get to keep the name.
- That's not a good deal, Thester.
- Then it's settled.
You will dissolve our dicks and keep the name.
Now, that is a great headline.
How is it great? It says, "Male cop saves the day.
" Not that headline.
This one! Ooh, and look at your hips in this photo.
Perfect for childbearing.
Another 50 lessons with Anton and we'll make you the best female cop yet.
What? Fuck that noise! I didn't join the police force to balance a book on my head.
I joined to shoot people and make lifelong friends like creepy old guy and Dog the Talking Dog.
I quit! Congratulations! You're out of the workforce.
You're now the ideal woman.
You can finally marry Tits-Hat Hillbilly Man.
My only request is that, when we do our baby-making, you wear this here Delbert mask, 'cause if you don't, I'll be soft as a noodle.
What'd I say? Ow! I am so proud of you, Kev Man.
[gruff voice.]
[he sniffs.]
Look at me, I'm crying.
From now on, we are gonna use all of our resources on you.
Time for more training.
[Kevin grunts.]
Ah, that's enough heavy work, Kevin.
Move on to the speed bag.
Gimme my damn balls back.
I cannot believe you're making me do this, Chief.
Kev Man, can you go half speed, maybe? Ow! You know some poor fellow in Korea had to animate that? Great training session, men.
Let's meet back here for the next session in, say, two minutes.
Oh, to hell with this.
I quit.
I'm gonna start my own police force.
If he can quit, I quit, to start my own police force.
[they wheeze.]
Well, in the interest of the gag, I guess I can make a few calls.
Who needs them? Kev Man, you're more man than all of 'em combined, or at least you will be.
I need to, uh, re-open your head wound and change the dressing.
No problem.
[ram snorts.]
You know what? I don't think this is going to turn out well for Kevin.
There! A double bow.
Now it's time to meet our leader.
Tucker Carlson? You'rebehind Gal-Qaeda? That's right! Spouting insane bullshit for years was all part of my master plan.
By saying Gal-Qaeda existed, I ensured no one would believe it.
But why would a bunch of feminists work for the likes of you? Because we're not feminists.
We're the complete opposite.
Women who work for Fox News! Woo-hoo! Once I dissolve every dick, I will have the biggest dick on Earth.
No one will make fun of my tiny inverted penis again.
[he laughs.]
[he laughs.]
Damn, look at that thing! Looks like a pimple on John Goodman's ass.
Looks like a, uh, oh Come back to me.
Looks like a peach Jelly Belly stuck in quicksand.
You're telling me! It looks like a, uh Uh, pass.
Looks like a caterpillar coming out of a bad melon.
- [Fitz laughs.]
- Yep, we got him good, the both of us.
[engine revs.]
Kev Man Puts ranch dressing on everything Kev Man His bed is just a box spring [he scats.]
[radio hisses.]
A maniac is destroying Paradise.
All assorted ridiculous police forces respond.
Copy that.
Man Force, on the way.
- [radio hisses.]
- Kev Man, come in.
Kev Man? Must already be on the scene.
[he gasps.]
Kevin! [screaming.]
[Kevin yells.]
Oh, no! He's too much man.
I've created a "manster.
" Manster! His theme song doesn't even need words Manster! [sings nonsense words.]
[sirens wail.]
All right, you washed-up cartoon characters, take him down.
[Kevin yells.]
Get in there, Porky.
[Porky stammers.]
Fuck that.
What the hell did you do to our son? What? It's the same old Kevin.
[he sniffs and grunts.]
Where's he going? Oh, there's only one place he's going.
Tits and wings! [munching.]
Mmm, these are good wings.
Hey, you wanna masturbate here or wait until we get home? [screaming.]
[Kevin growls.]
[he grunts.]
[Kevin growls.]
He won't kill us, will he? He loves us, right? Oh, he loved Heathcliff way more than he loves us.
Call Gina.
She's the only cop tough enough to save us.
Gina quit.
I I don't know where she is.
I'm right here.
I get more respect at this job.
Honk honk! I stand by my statement.
Great, now beat the living shit out of my only child and save us! - [Kevin growls.]
- Nah, I don't think so.
Not until I get an apology for the way I've been treated.
Randall, apologize to her, and give her equal pay, for fuck's sake! Uh, I guess we're gonna die here, Karen.
Randall! I don't want an apology from him.
I want an apology from you.
You made it seem like the new force was about empowering women, but it was just about you.
Gina, you're right.
I'm sorry.
Women shouldn't hold women back from being violent psychos.
So go full-on Real Housewives of New Jersey.
Thank you.
Now, I have a ham-faced knuckle-draggerto punch out.
And now to deal with Kevin.
[he growls.]
Huh? Can you put on this Robbie mask and do that to me? [growling.]
Now to make you eat chicken wings.
You'll get the sauce on your hands and then touch yourself and dissolve your dick.
Man, that seems unnecessarily complicated.
Wouldn't it be simpler if we ate the wings and then jerked each other off? No, that would not be simpler, Thester.
Or, since the sauce will already be on our lips, a little [lip smacks.]
Shut up! I spent a lot of time on my plan.
You have no idea how hard my life is.
Tucker, so what if you have a tiny inverted penis? You have a great life.
You're famous everywhere I'm not welcome.
It's not just the penis.
I was born with other defects, like this bald head, and the vein running down my chest, and my weird bulbous hairy feet.
Tucker, you don't need an evil plan to have the world's biggest dick! You are the world's biggest dick! Oh, my god, you're right.
How did I not notice this? I'm magnificent! You fucked with the wrong guy.
[Tucker moans.]
Oh, no! He's a grower! [squeals.]
Finish him, boss! Rub him out! Thester, you're not helping! D-don't talk.
I'm close.
[Fitz groans.]
What? It's my day off.
I do what I want.
[Gina yells.]
Tits and wings! Tits and wi [Gina grunts.]
What the hell's all this? Huh? H-how'd that get there? Kevin, say something.
[normal voice.]
Tits And Wings.
[birds tweet.]
I love that bird sanctuary.
Remind me to renew my annual pass.
Oh, great.
He's back.
Full-face mushroom stamp.
- [Tucker grunts.]
- [Fitz groans.]
[Tucker grunts, then screams.]
[Fitz chokes and stutters.]
I can't see! [laughs.]
You weren't expecting a pig in a blanket.
Time to dissolve this dick.
He's too big! Thester, crank the AC.
[he screams.]
[he screams.]
What a world! This has got to be the strangest Martin Lawrence King day I've ever had.
Sorry I mutated you, Kevin.
I should've liked you the way you were: After one ram coma, when you were Kev Man and you had a cool theme song.
Thanks, brain, Dad, damage, umbrella.
Hey, everyone, I'm back! And happy to say, I'm finally making the same as all of you cocktarts.
Because Chief lowered everyone else's pay to match yours.
Like I had a choice.
Do you know how many hundreds of dollars it takes to rebuild a Hooters? Two.
Well, I'm glad you're back, Gina.
No one can replace you.
Not like that stinker Tucker Carlson.
Tonight, filling in for an MIA Tucker Carlson, making his triumphant return to Fox News, Bill O'Reilly.
Not that asshole! My mask isn't on yet.
- Fuck it, we'll do it live! - [woman screams.]
We'll do it live! Kev Man Rides two motorcycles at the same time Doesn't understand a self-checkout line Attends funerals in cargo pants Impregnates women with a single glance Takes a dump and doesn't wash his hands Doesn't clap when the plane la-a-ands Kev Man! Kev Man! Kev Ma-a-an!
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