Paradise PD (2018) s02e04 Episode Script

Who Ate Wally's Waffles

1 Oooh, it's the day I've been waiting for! The launch of Disney’s new streaming service, Disney+.
It's like I died and gone to heaven.
Just like you, Mr.
What? There's nothing here but forgotten, failed sitcoms.
Oh, Disney, how’d you know I’d eat your garbage? Ooh, let's see.
Dog With A Blog, Cat With A Snapchat, Baby Grandpa, That Dog’s My Sister, Pizza Baby, Vampire Boy Band, Vampire Boy Band On Deck.
Ooh, this looks interesting.
Sometimes in life, you need a friend To be the object of your affection And though his eyes don’t point in the same direction They point at your heart It’s Wall-Eyed Wally! Shaba-da-doo-dee-dah Wall-Eyed Wally was filmed before a live studio audience.
The laughs were added later.
Wally, are you playing video games? I told you to study for your history test.
I'm doing both, Mom.
Ooh! Where’s my bed-sore cream? We gonna binge the fart outta this! Aww.
Hey, who ate my waffles? Tune in next season to see who ate Wally's waffles.
A cliffhanger? Oh, Disney, you naughty bitch.
Ah, I guess I can squeeze in one more season before I gotta empty my pee jugs.
That's the last episode? But I don't know who ate Wally's waffles! Who the fuck ate Wally's waffles? Hey, Bullet, did you do an analysis on that houndstooth meth? Oh, yeah, it's twice as potent as argyle meth.
Ah, good dog.
You get those results from the lab? Nah, the lab couldn’t hang, so I smoked most of it.
Side question, has your head always been made out of giant spiders? Dad, shouldn't we let the FBI handle the Kingpin case? I mean, the last time we tried, Dusty was almost executed.
Well, everyone makes mistakes.
We’ll execute Dusty one of these days.
In the meantime, I’m going to beat Clappers and catch that Kingpin myself! Last time I had a steaming blast to the face like this, I was at a scat party with Jimmy Carter.
That boy could grow peanuts, but he sure couldn’t digest 'em.
Yeah, Thester.
It's me.
Chief's getting too close to us.
I think it's time he had a little meeting with Mr.
Car Bomb.
No, I mean put a bomb under his car.
You actually have a friend named Mr.
Carbomb? He's your dad? So your name is Thester Carbomb? The fourth? Dad, I'm just saying the FBI is more qualified to Kevin, are you all right? You got a weird look on your face.
I got to go mail a letter right now.
Has anyone else noticed that Kevin leaves every day at 9:37 with some lame excuse? Where could he possibly be going? Everybody outta my way! I’ve got a major crime to solve.
Ah, the Kingpin case? Do I look like I give a shit about bullshit? No! I gotta find out who ate Wally's waffles! Ohh, why don’t you forget the waffles and flatten me into a pancake? I already made syrup in my pants.
Don’t further confuse my sexuality with food! Oh, my God! According to the internets, the show was canceled 'cause the kid who played Wally was kidnapped in 1998.
So there’s a child abduction to solve, too time permitting.
Dusty, I am not gonna allocate valuable manpower, or you, to a case that could be better solved with fan fiction.
You wanna live out your days pissing in a bag? Then try me, motherfucker! Okay, do whatever you want! I just gotta run a age-enhancement program to see what little Wally might look like today.
But, because he was kidnapped, we need to simulate years of likely malnutrition and abuse.
Oh, here it is, "Paradise Public School" filter.
Happy birthday, my sweet Robby.
Do you like your pussycake? I wanted a chocolate pussycake! I'll make you another one.
Don't think I forgot you, little adopted Delbert.
Thank you for my bunghole cupcake.
It was 20 years ago today you came to live with us, ever since your mama and daddy died in that snake orgy at church.
That's a believable story that I’m not the least bit dubious of.
Give me that butt muffin, it's my birthday! Hey, Daddy, take a picture of me in Mee-Maw's iron lung! Now, Robby, you know Mee-Maw needs her lung to breathe.
It's my birthday and I get what I want! All right, let me get my wrench.
Hello, Kevin.
- How did your "letter mailing" go? - Fine? Liar! We know you didn’t mail a letter because we confiscated every outgoing letter in town.
You subpoenaed the mail to spy on me? Subpoena? No.
We just had Hopson reach into all the mailbox slots.
Best part about growing old, you get them soft bones.
We know you leave every day at 9:37.
What we don't know is why.
Okay, it's a little embarrassing, but I go home to poop.
Oh, my God, he’s a home-shitter.
I need to sit down.
So I poop at home, what's the big deal? I'll tell you the big deal.
There is no greater honor one peace officer can pay another than to sit in the stall next to him and take a shit.
It's a sign of respect.
Side by side.
It's how police officers show solidarity.
Or liquidarity.
You see? That is a diaper full of respect.
All my true police officers, bring it in.
Group hug.
Not you, home-shitter.
I want in on this! Goddamned soft bones! I like this lung! Makes me look like one of them Egyptians in a suck-off-a-goose.
Now everybody sing! Happy birthday to me! Hey! Why the fuck ain't Mee-Maw singing? 'Cause Mee-Maw's dead.
What? That attention whore thinks she can die on my birthday? Bring her back.
I guess I could take her down to the pet cemetary.
She gon' come out evil, though.
It's my birthday and I get what I want! All right.
Let me get my shovel.
Paradise PD! Nobody move! You! On the ground! You! Cut me a slice of that cooter-cake and don’t skimp on the pubes! You! Tell me who ate Wally's waffles or I'll blow your fucking brains out! What's he talking about, mama? Delbert, I guess it's finally time to tell you the truth.
It was 20 years ago today It’s Wall-Eyed Wally! Shaba-da-doo-dee-dah Robby, what do you want for your birthday? I want him! That little fella on the TV? I can't It's my birthday and I get what I want! All right.
Let me get my windowless van and my chewable roofies.
Where am I? This here's your new home.
I'm gon' call you Delbert and we gon' be best friends.
I already have a best friend.
His name’s Michael Jackson.
Well, you need to forget your time with him.
Michael says that, too.
Here, sniff on this like I do.
I call it "forgetting glue.
" It works like a charm, or my name ain't Shit.
Sure thing, Shit.
I can't believe you all lied to me.
You stole me from my real parents and robbed me of my true childhood.
Not to mention all these years I've been afraid of snake orgies.
What the hell you talkin' 'bout, Delbert? We been to, like, seven snake orgies this week! Yeah, but I had to fake my orgasms.
And them snakes could tell! Don’t be mad, Delbert.
It all worked out, okay? No, Robby.
You were supposed to be my best friend, but you forced me into a life of drugs and crime.
That would've never happened to a child star.
Well, Officer Dusty’s gonna fix all that, 'cause I'm taking you to Hollywood and I'm gonna find out who ate your little waffles! You hear that? I'm going to get my old life back.
Fine, leave! But don't think you can come crawling back.
Not you, evil Mee-Maw.
This is Wall-Eyed Wally? Corey Ramando, this week's Director of Programming.
Ramando, we want Disney to bring back Wall-Eyed Wally and we are not taking no for an answer.
You want us to reboot a show that was a lazy, derivative piece of shit in the first place? You really know how to speak our language.
Yeah, I’m surprised.
Robby said in Hollywood they only speak Jewish.
Jew alert.
Sorry, this is Walt's old office.
The man was a hateful prick.
What happened to Wally? I mean, he looks like a dead blobfish someone left on a 7-Eleven hot dog roller.
You made it work with Raven-Symoné.
That little troll.
Good point, fat man.
Congratulations, you've got yourself a show.
Yes! Ooh! I’m finally gonna see who ate Wally's waffles! You know, we're going to need a creative executive to cover the show.
How'd you like the job? I-I don't think I'm qualified.
This is Disney.
If you can wipe your own ass, you're qualified.
I see.
- Well, thank you for your time.
- Wait, don't go.
How good are you at taking credit for other people's ideas? Uh, I invented that.
Well, welcome to Disney.
Very funny, guys.
You replaced my chair with a toilet? And your police pants with assless chaps.
That was just for me.
Look, I'd go at work if I could.
I'm I'm just not comfortable.
Comfortable? It ain't supposed to be comfortable.
Watch and learn.
Shitting is a white-knuckle ride of terror that leaves your ass in tatters and your toilet full of Ohhh, here we go, I'm crowning.
Painful shitting is the curse of all men.
Dad, when was the last time you saw a doctor? When God expelled Adam from the Garden of Eden, his punishment was to bleed once a month.
That was Eve.
And wait Wait, you only shit once a month? Yeah, once a month.
And always here with my best friends.
How does it keep getting bigger? Okay, it's out.
I'll hurt you like you hurt me! Thanks for letting me start my pube-lice-ity tour on your show, Mr.
So, tell us, what have you been doing for 20 years? Robby and me'd watch WWE to get hard, then play ring-the-peter with Funyuns, and the winner got to eat the Funyuns off the loser's peter.
Robby always let me win.
Welcome, writers, to our first day.
Look around the room, what do you see? Miserable, hackey white guys.
I also see a safe space where there are no bad pitches.
So what do you guys think? Who ate Wally's waffles? Uh, er, maybe Wally's dog ate the waffles? Wally's dog.
I like it.
Just one little question.
How could Toby the Dog eat the waffles when he was DJing a doggy dance party down at the pound? Anybody else say the fucking dog did it? I didn’t think so! And remember, we're all on the same team, okay? Notes are just a conversation.
Still less of a dick than Raven-Symoné.
Little troll.
Thank God no one saw me leave.
“Drop some doots and we’ll drop the boots.
” What? Oh, seriously? Yes, all right.
I just got to connect the red wire to the Why am I the one arming the bomb? 'Cause I threw scissors and you threw paper! I can only throw fucking paper! Sorry, Kevin.
Guess you'll have to crap here! What the No-o-o-o-o! Don’t you dare die on me, Dad! Kevin? Yes, Dad? Son, d-did you shit at work yet? No.
Get your hands off of me, Bene-shit Arnold! This is what matters to you right now? Don't you wanna know who tried to kill you with that bomb? Son, the only bomb that’s killing me is the one that you won’t drop! Fine! You win! I’ll poop at work! Now I know why I survived that blast.
We cannot know his tapestry for we are but a thread.
Shhh! The overture’s starting! Looking to design a website? Squarespace has hundreds of drag-and-drop tools.
No, no, no! He’s a sham shitter! Shame! Shame! “Poop on a Loop!” And he didn’t even pay for ad-free premium.
I can explain.
Help! I'm stuck like this.
Don’t mop me up, I’m a man! We don’t even have a janitor! Man, a snake orgy just ain’t no fun without Delbert.
Great job on the 503rd draft of the script, guys! I did not read it, but not to worry.
I already have tons of notes.
Congratulations! You’re our new little head writer.
I guess somebody didn't know about the suicide nets.
See, this ain't Disney's first rodeo.
Delbert, get up.
I’m taking you home.
He's not going anywhere.
He's a Disney star.
No, he's coming home.
And even though you left on my birthday, I'm gon' still let you play Funyun toss with me.
I don't do that trailer park stuff no more, Robby.
I play double-dong Funyuns with Tom Hanks now.
Oh yeah? Well, good luck ringing his dick.
I bet it ain't as skinny as mine! Come on, Tom Hanks.
Let's finish our game.
I don't need Zoltar to make me big.
Thanks for the private tour of Disneyland, Mr.
It’s no Chuck E.
Cheese, but what is? Well, maybe this will impress you.
Wow, look at that.
Read it to me.
I can't read either.
Now, let me show you a part of the park only special people get to see.
The magical Disney dungeon, and it's your new home.
Wait, you gon' keep me in a dungeon? I can smell your cunt.
Disney let you get away before.
We're not gonna make that mistake again.
We own you.
I got a seven o'clock thing.
When my real parents find out I'm locked up in a dungeon, they won't stand for it.
You don't have real parents, because you weren't born! You were imagineered.
Imagineers, I give you our latest creation.
He's going to be our biggest movie star.
Oh, shit, broke him.
Ah, we'll just stick him on the Disney Channel.
Being locked away in a dungeon is slightly worse than living with Robby.
I sure do miss my friend.
Robby, if you're out there Beneath the starry sky I miss you and I also miss Smoking crack and getting high Delbert, I’m so lonely Since you left me I can’t even get it up In the middle of a snake orgy I’m not sure how we could Get our friendship back But then we’d be together And high as fuck On crack Goodbye forever, Delbert.
At least I know you're happy here.
Damn it! We got a runner! Uh-oh.
Garsh! Shoot to kill We're all prisoners in there.
And that ain't all.
Oh, my God, I gotta save Delbert.
What the fuck is this thing? Excuse me, sir? I finished the script.
It took over 1,500 drafts, but I think you’re gonna like it.
Oh, didn't anybody tell you? We going back to that first draft.
You know, that one I didn’t read? That way, I can be surprised.
We just got picked up for the back ten.
You get your little ghost ass back in that body.
One ticket, please.
I need to get in there and save my friend.
All right, that’s gonna be two ninety-five.
Are you kidding? That’s nearly three dollars! I ain’t got that kind of money.
Yeah, it’s me, uh, everybody’s favorite, Mr, uh, Mr.
Mutant Man Dog.
Hi, Goofy.
Who you calling goofy, you fat little fucker? Hang on, Delbert! Robby’s coming! Whoa, only 95 minutes for Space Mountain? Why won’t he shit with us? What’s he hiding? Maybe he's Internal Affairs.
Maybe he's a Russian spy.
Maybe he has three dicks.
- Dad? - Kevin, thank God you're awake.
- But you know what you have to do.
- What? No.
Please! I-I can't! Kevin, I’m begging you! Just poke out a little-bitty turtle head.
I-I’ll grab on and do the rest.
It's no use.
Oh, fuck this! We do it my way.
No! Someone, please! She's gonna kill me! Dad! Kevin, you won’t shit at work.
My hands are tied.
This can’t be happening! Okay, okay.
Okay! You want me to shit at work? - Yes! - What the hell's going on? I need to make a call.
I came as quick as I could.
Kevin, what's going on? Why is your mother here? You want to know? I'll tell you.
I need my mommy when I go poo-poo.
- What? - I need my mommy when I poo-poo! How much clearer do I have to be? Uhh A lot, I think.
It all goes back to when little Kevvy was two.
Pooping was scary.
So I found a way to make it fun! Mommy and baby would take the train to Boom-Boom station.
We had such a grand time, I just never wanted it to stop! Then it was too late and we couldn't stop, and then it was really creepy, and here we are.
Let's get it over with.
What's that coming down the track? What's that poking out the back? Brown or yellow, green or black It’s the Poo-Poo Choo-Choo Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga Poo Poo! Oh! Did you a make Boom Boom? Uhh, Kevin, uh, you know, if you want to poop at home from here on out, well, uh, I think we can let that slide.
- Oh, God, yes.
- I don't wanna see that again.
I kinda liked it.
I'm finally gonna find out who ate Wally's waffles! Was it you, Mailman Bob? Or you, Deep Sea Debbie? Or you, Ayatollah Khomeini? Somebody's asking for a fatwa! No, the person who ate my waffles was - Robby? - "Robby"? Did we establish him? I got here as fast I could, after I ate ten churros, rode Splash Mountain, and got kicked off the Small World ride for masturbating.
Let’s go! Get 'em! I need to know who ate Wally's waffles! Cease and desist! Disney lawyers.
We're done for.
Like hell we are.
There's worse things than you they don't want getting out.
And Mr.
Mutant Man Dog told me right where they keep it.
In the Disney vault.
Oh, no! They're letting out all our racist characters! Well, sir! Let Uncle Remus tells y'alls that story about this there Br'er Rabbit, and that there tar baby.
Back in the vault! Come on, now's our chance! They're getting away! Don't worry.
We have a fail-safe to be used in the most dire of doomsday scenarios.
It's time to wake up Walt.
Don't want spatter.
Now, let's see.
"Baked potato," "Popcorn," "Brain.
" Robby, look.
Oh, shit.
Hadn’t we better run? Fuck, no.
We waited ten minutes, man.
It's a principle thing now.
You belong to me! Robby, help.
You're going right back to the set and finishing what you started, Mister.
Sorry, Robby.
Looks like you’re gonna have to find a new best friend.
I wish Mister Disney, sir, a long time ago, you said that when you wish upon a star, your dreams come true.
Well, I’m wishing for my best friend Delbert’s freedom.
And one of them dead-eyed sex dolls from the Small World ride, please.
Now, I don’t know much about anatomy, but I think you have a heart in that brain of yours.
And probably some kind of brain penis for when you wanna get nasty with a lady brain.
Like I said, I don't know anatomy.
But I besneech you, look into your brain-heart and honor this wish.
Ha! If you think we're going to let you go just be Turn off that fucking music! just because you made a heartfelt speech? I'm afraid he's right.
We have to let him go.
What? Why? Hello? The whole "wish on a star" rule? It's in our founding constitution.
It's really the only thing in there.
The rest is just a rant about the protocols of Zion.
Thanks for rescuing me, Robby.
Delbert, I'm sorry I had you kidnapped, man.
And I'm sorry that I lied to you all these years.
Don't be.
Turns out, my life with you is pretty awesome.
I'm lucky to have a best friend like you.
Now come on, Robby, let's go have a snake orgy.
And this time, I'm gon' come for real.
What? What's happening? We lost! Walt's letting him go.
But I didn’t find out who ate Wally's waffles! Who ate Wally's waffles? Jesus, just read the script.
Oh, it was the dog.
Aww! I love that! Shaba-da-doo-dee-dah Robby, if you're out there Beneath the starry sky I miss you and I also miss Smoking crack and getting high Delbert, I'm so lonely Since you left me I can't even get it up In the middle of a snake orgy I'm not sure how we could Get our friendship back But then we'd be together And high as fuck On crack
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