Perfect Strangers (1986) s02e01 Episode Script

Hello Baby

Slowly.
Now you're coming up to the step, so take it slow.
You're getting closer.
A little closer.
You're close.
You're very, very close.
You're down the step.
You don't say.
Now, you wanna bring it straight down here and we'll just swing it in.
Straight down here, we'll swing it right in here.
Come straight down and we'll swing it in.
Cousin, why I make all the push and you are just stand there with Just say: "Just take that baby and swing it on"? Balki, somebody has to be in charge.
Somebody has to have a plan.
That's me.
Somebody else has to carry out the plan.
That's you.
I get it.
As long as it's equal.
All right.
Straight down here and we'll swing it in.
Go easy, go easy.
Take your time.
Good, good.
Okay.
Swing it around.
Come towards me.
Towards me.
Slow, slow.
That's good.
Okay.
Now Balki.
Gina.
- Balki, please, you have to help me.
Of course I help you.
- What about me? You're right, I'm being rude.
Gina, this my cousin, Larry.
And Cousin Larry, this Gina Morelli from my citizenship class.
She's from Italy.
She's Italian.
Oh.
This my cousin, Larry.
- Hello.
I would shake your hand, but I'm being crushed by a refrigerator.
Oh.
- Thank you.
Well, you're very strong for your condition.
Was it something I said? My husband is a truck driver and he's in Texas now.
While he's gone, I get evicted from my apartment.
I have no money and I can't get a hold of him.
Balki is my only friend in this country, so I came here.
Well, you did the right thing, Gina.
We'll take care of you.
Won't we, cousin? - Of course we will.
What did you have in mind? She stay in the apartment until her husband gets back.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Uh I don't know.
Well, where would she sleep? I'll give her the couch.
- Well, that's no good.
She'd have no privacy.
She has to have her own room.
Cousin says that you have to have his bedroom.
Wha? Didn't I tell you he was a prince? Oh, you are more than that.
You are a saint.
You're going to love it at our house.
He has a blanket that plugs into the wall.
You're kidding me.
What's that for? Beats the socks off of me.
BALKl: Good night.
Cousin, you don't mind I put the televisiĆ³n in the bedroom of Gina? She has my room, why shouldn't she have my TV? I'd put her in my will, but she already has everything I own.
Cousin, if you don't want Gina here, why you didn't say so? It's a little inconvenient, but I'll get used to it.
I'm glad we can help out.
Let's hit the sack.
What are those? These are my Spider-Man pajamas.
Let me rephrase that.
Why are you wearing those? Because my He-Man pajamas are in the laundry.
I had to ask.
Do you usually sleep on that side? - Yes.
Why don't I go? - I go to that side.
No, I will go to that side.
I don't mind sleeping on that side of the bed.
I mind arguing about sleeping on that side of the bed.
You know, I really admire you.
Why is that? Well, because, first, you're willing to give up your bedroom to a woman I hardly know.
And then, for me, your friend, you're willing to sleep on the hot side of the bed.
What do you mean, "the hot side of the bed"? Well, about 6:00 in the morning, see that little hole in the drapes? The sun come through that and it bores a hole right through your head like a laser beam.
Okay, other side.
Move.
Let's go.
Good night.
- Good night.
What's in my face? Dimitri.
He always sleeps with me.
Ding-ding-dang Not tonight.
I say my prayers now.
God, bless Cousin Larry and Gina and the new baby.
And please watch over Dimitri, who's sleeping on the floor for the first time in his whole young life.
Amen.
Balki, I'm sorry.
I'm not the one you threw on the floor.
I'm sorry, Dimitri.
Please forgive me.
Well, I just wanted to thank you for what you're doing for Gina.
Well, I guess you have to do whatever you can for someone who's carrying a new life.
A new, overdue life.
- Hm? The baby was two weeks ago late.
Good night.
- Good night.
All right, rest period is over.
All right, now let's go through this plan one more time.
Do we have to? - Yes, we have to.
We have to be prepared when the baby comes.
I'm very unhappy with the time it's taking us to get from the bed out the door.
Cousin, it's 1:00 in the morning.
Already we do Let Gina sleep.
- Okay, okay, all right.
We'll probably make better time without her anyway.
Gina? Gina? Wake up.
You can go to sleep now.
Ohh.
You're a saint.
Yeah, that's good.
Get her up, get her up.
Yeah, swing her around.
Swing her around.
Straight on back.
Just straight on back there.
Good.
Okay.
Yes.
Gina, Balki and me.
Cousin, can you do without me too? I know my part.
You're not bugging out on me now.
This is all your fault, you know.
Why didn't you tell me she was pregnant? What did you think it was, a bee sting? You are wasting valuable rehearsal time.
Cousin, what the big deal is? In my country, every time a woman has a baby, she doesn't run to the hospital.
If every woman did that, we'd have to have two hospitals.
In Mypos, to have a baby is very natural.
The woman is working in the field, she takes a short break she has her baby, and then she cooks dinner for 11 men.
Look, this is America.
We make things a lot more complicated.
When a woman has a baby, she has to go to the hospital.
That is a rule.
And to get to the hospital, you have to have a plan.
Now, do you have a plan? - Well, of course I do.
Don't be ridiculous.
And what is it? I don't know.
Fine.
Then we'll go with mine.
Now, let's take it from the top one last time.
All right, we're in bed.
We're sleeping.
Sleep, sleep, sleep.
Gina comes out of the bedroom.
- Waddle, waddle, waddle.
She says, "It's time.
" Now, what do we do? I get the suitcase out of the closet and you call the hospital.
All right.
Ready? Go.
- Wait.
What? Why do I always have to get the suitcase out of the closet? Because I am the better communicator, so I call the hospital.
You are much better at lifting, so you get the suitcase.
How do you know I'm not the better communicator? Have you ever listened to yourself? Not while I'm talking.
- Well, there you go.
Well I want to make the phone call.
Okay, fine.
You call the hospital.
Now can we get on with this? Ready? Go.
- Wait.
What? I don't know the phone number.
It's on the list of emergency numbers next to the phone.
Take my word for it.
It's there.
Now, can we do this before the kid graduates from college? Ready? Go.
Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep.
Hello, hospital? Baby's coming.
I did it.
- Brilliant.
Now, you get the jackets, I get the map, and we are out.
I was right.
We're much faster without Gina.
Good night.
- All right.
You get some sleep.
- What about you? I won't be sleeping tonight.
Someone has got to be awake, alert, prepared.
I guess I'll have to bear that burden alone.
I guess so.
This must have been how Eisenhower felt just before D-day.
All around him, the troops sleeping.
But not Ike.
He knew that one single mistake could change the course of worid history.
Was this before or after Ike met Tina Turner? Before.
Balki, wake up.
Balki, it's time.
Gina? It's time? - Yes.
Ah, Gina, how exciting.
A little baby.
Mm? Why is the light on? - The baby's coming, Larry.
What baby? Who are you? Why am I holding a sheep? He doesn't wake up well.
Cousin, it's Gina.
Remember the plan? The plan? Yes, of course I remember the plan.
It's my plan.
All right, no need to worry.
First, babies take a long time.
Well, Larry, I've been in labor a long time.
- Why didn't you tell us? Well, I didn't wanna bother you.
You were up so late.
All right.
Don't panic.
Go! BALKl: Are you all right? - Yes, yes.
I'm okay.
What are you doing? - Calling the hospital.
Calling the hospital is my job.
You get the suitcase.
But I called the hospital last time.
I gave you a chance to prove you were a good communicator.
"Hello, hospital? Baby is coming.
" Cavemen are more articulate.
Could you please hurry? Ohh! Hello, hospital? The baby is coming.
Brilliant.
I forgot to tell - Larry, there's no time.
We get to the hospital, they probably figure out why I'm there.
Good thinking.
Okay, all right.
No need to panic.
Everything is under control, all right? I get the map and we are gone.
Yes! My keys, my keys.
Where are my keys? They're in your pants.
- Where are my pants? They're in the closet.
- Where is the closet? Where's the closet? Cousin, cousin.
- Look, look.
We can't get to the hospital without my keys.
BALKl: Cousin.
- Don't "cousin" me now.
Look, look, I don't have my keys.
I don't have my pants.
I can't do this.
She will just have to have the baby at some other time.
Why don't you help me? Oh.
Oh, I see.
You're trying to make me look bad in front of Gina.
Where is Gina? Where is the mother? We can't do this without the mother.
Cousin, someday you'll forgive me for this.
Feel better? No.
Can we go have a baby now? Okay.
I'll follow you.
Where are you going? To the hospital.
- Right, yes.
Gina, there you are.
Thank God.
BALKl: Gina, lay down here and try to relax.
Keep breathing.
Deep breathing.
You're doing good.
I can't keep this up.
I think I'm hyperventilating.
Cousin, I was talking to Gina.
What's the matter, buddy? Late for your accident? Jeez.
Did you see that guy? How does somebody like that get to be a cop? How much further to the hospital, Larry? Look, I am doing the best I can.
I've got my hands full up here.
Every nutcase in town is on the road tonight.
The heater doesn't work and my map reader is back there with you.
I'm sorry.
- What? Do you think you could go a little faster? I think the baby almost here.
I am going as fast as I can.
You can go a little faster.
Just stick your foot on the pedal and push.
I haven't forgotten how to drive.
- Well, you did when you first got in the car.
All right, all right, I'm going faster.
Are you happy now? Wasn't that the turnoff to the hospital? - Go fast, read signs.
What do you people want from me? Watch out for that bump.
- I see it.
Ohh! BALKl: Ohh! Well, that certainly speeded things up.
Cousin, I think I'm going to have to deliver this baby myself.
No.
No, you can't do that.
- Well, do you want to do it? Somebody better do it.
Oh! Aah! All right, I can't see.
We're all going to die.
Gina, let go of Cousin Larry's head.
Cousin.
Cousin, stop.
Stop now.
Gina having her baby now.
Oh, my God.
What is she saying? What's she saying? Would somebody back there talk to me? Who was that? Hello, baby.
Welcome to America.
Oh, my God.
Well, little boy, we've had a big day.
We witnessed the miracle of birth.
You witnessed the miracle of birth.
I took one look and passed out.
Of course, the good news is that while I was unconscious, I couldn't behave like a lunatic.
It was all there.
Ike would've been proud.
A perfect plan to get Gina to the hospital.
Ha-ha.
And what happened? Well, you couldn't find your keys, and then you couldn't find the hospital.
And then you didn't know how to drive.
I know what happened.
I panicked.
I always panic.
Well, cousin, you know Blow.
You know, you had a real good plan.
Don't patronize me.
When somebody really needed me to do something really important I was worthless.
I am worthless.
Well, if you say so.
Did I tell you that I'm going to help Gina find an apartment? I think we're going to look on Delaney Street.
On Delaney Street? Delaney Street is all wrong.
It is? - Absolutely wrong.
Gina needs to be in a neighborhood with good public transportation.
I never thought of that.
She has to be within walking distance of a supermarket.
I never thought of that either.
And what about a daycare center? This takes a lot of planning.
I'd better go with you.
But that's a wonderful idea.
Gina's very lucky to have a worthless person like you to help her.
I see what you're doing.
You're trying to give me a false sense of self-worth.
Dirty trick, huh? Yeah.
And I appreciate it.
Cousin You know, in Mypos, we have a saying: Hits home, doesn't it? It says: "If everyone knew how to herd sheep, there would be no one to write poetry.
" Do you know what that means? It means we can't all be good at everything, and that's okay.
So that's what it means.
What do you say you and I go out and celebrate this baby's birthday? Well, you don't have to ask me once.
Let's go out and paint the town red, white and blue.
But first, let's put on our pants.
Good plan.
Good plan.