Perfect Strangers (1986) s02e02 Episode Script

Oh, nice job.
- Thank you.
You finally found a task worthy of your talent.
Cousin Larry, congratulate me.
Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Why? Because today, I joined a healthy club.
Why did you have to do something like that? Because, you see this? Body fat.
You don't need it.
But with aerobic exercise and weight resistance you can whittle away that disgusting body bag of fat you got and reap cardiovascular benefits.
Whatever those are.
And if you join today Balki, some of these clubs are just out to rip you off.
What does that mean? Turnip, turnip, turnip.
They sell memberships to maroons like you and then, uh, split town with all the dough.
Wish I had thought of that.
Do you want to join with me? - Not on your life.
This river runs too deep.
You would meet women in tight leotards.
Balki, think about it.
Women who go to those clubs aren't interested in guys like you and me.
You're wasting your money.
- Well, if you say don't join, I don't join.
Don't join.
- Don't say that.
Okay, I call and cancel my membership.
Good.
- But how I'm going to get exercise? Hey, hey, hey.
You want exercise? I got 50 cases of motor oil in the stockroom.
Why don't you work out on those? And you say he doesn't care about me.
May I help you? - Hi.
I'm looking for Balki Bartokomous.
Well, I'm Balki Bartokomous' cousin.
Larry Appleton.
Jennifer Lyons.
I sold Balki a membership to the Perfect Body Health Club.
He was so excited, he forgot to sign the application.
You're with Perfect Body? - Part-time.
Are you a member? Uh, me? Uh, no.
But I was thinking of joining a health club again.
Well, Reuben's Perfect Body is the place.
- I can see that.
I mean, I would hope so.
Jennifer.
That was quick.
I didn't even call you yet.
- What do you mean? Well, what he means is, he was gonna call you to tell you that I wanted to join the club with him.
No, cousin, you said - Balki, I think you better let me explain this.
Balki.
Excuse me.
- This river This river runs so deep - Could I talk to you for a moment? We'll be right back.
What are you trying to do? I'm trying to unjoin Reuben's Perfect Body.
You can't.
I am in love with her.
Did I miss something? I think we are going to spend the rest of our lives together.
Not you and me.
Well, did you ask her out? You can take the boy out of Mypos Women like this are only interested in jocks.
I can't just ask her out.
I have to deceive her first.
Uh, excuse me, guys, but I have to get back to work.
Could you sign this? Why don't you come with Balki tomorrow and see if you like the club? Well, I guess I could.
I'll have to skip my 15-mile run.
Good.
Well, I'll see you both tomorrow morning.
Okay.
- Thanks.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
BALKl: Bye, Jennifer.
You run 15 miles every day? What do you do, get up real early before I'm awake? Yes.
So many women.
So little body fat.
All right, look.
Here are the ground rules.
Jennifer is mine.
I saw her first.
- But I lusted after her first.
This is America.
Learn the customs.
I never heard of that custom.
- It's new.
Come on.
All right.
Now, I'm gonna hit the weights.
Watch and learn.
There's a lot of weight on there.
You probably wanna lower it.
No.
No pain, no gain.
Okay, let me give you a hand.
That other man must have been doing it wrong.
That's right.
Now, help me down.
This is fun.
- Don't Just get me down.
Hi, guys.
Hi.
- Hi.
I'm about to start an advanced aerobics class but there's a beginning one in five minutes.
Well, uh, Jennifer, I think we can handle the advanced class.
Okay, let's all start off by doing a little jogging in place.
And jog, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Jog, two, three, four Six, seven, eight, jog, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Jog, two, three, four This is an advanced class? Ha.
It's a joke.
So, Jennifer, you're not going with anyone, are you? And arms.
Hi.
I'm Mary Ann.
I'm a Sagittarius.
I'm Balki.
I'm a Bartokomous.
Do you want to go out with me? - I'd love to.
I think I just reaped a cardiovascular benefit.
You guys look tired.
- Tired? Ha-ha! Jennifer, tired is a state of mind.
Ha-ha.
And my mind is oatmeal.
Cousin, we have been here four hours.
Are you going to ask her out or what? I'm going to.
I'm going to.
I'm not here for my health, you know.
I just haven't found the right moment yet.
Well, we had a lot of spare moments during that 400 sit-ups we had to do.
I feel like I gave birth to an ox.
Well, I can't ask her now.
I'm all sweaty.
One, two.
Sixty-eight, 69.
Before I tell you what I just did I want you to know, in Mypos, we have a saying.
It says, "He who hesitates sleeps with the goats.
" I thought you all slept with the goats.
We do.
And this goat sleeper just asked Jennifer if she'd go out with you.
You You what? I am going to deport you in pieces.
Help me unbuckle this.
- I don't think so.
Yah! What? How dare you interfere with the sanctity of a man's right to date.
You scheming, girl-poaching She said yes.
- Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Boy.
Never knew a workout could make you feel so good.
I feel massive.
I feel pumped up.
I am Conehead the Barbarian.
Well, nothing like a tough workout to make you feel alive.
BALKl: Ha-ha-ha! So you thought the workout was tough, huh? Did I say tough? I meant challenging.
In fact, I found myself wanting it to be more challenging.
Didn't you? - Oh, yes.
You're not tired, are you? - Oh, no.
I'm chock-full of energy.
Ha! You know, Balki, in six hours, two women Let me amend that.
Two gorgeous women are coming to this apartment.
You know what that means, don't you? What are we talking about? Okay.
Balki, for your benefit I think we should identify our objective.
Is this where you talk down to me? - Yes.
Now, here's the plan.
What we are trying to achieve is physical contact.
Now, how do we achieve physical contact? Begging? Dancing.
Cousin Larry, you are a genius.
We'll dance, we'll eat, we'll drink with visitors.
But first, we'll rest.
Rest? Why? I'm not tired.
Ha! Neither am I.
But since we probably won't be getting any sleep tonight We better stockpile some right now.
Well, if we have to.
- Hey, this is no fun for me either.
I just hate sitting around like a bump on a frog.
Well, we'll give it five minutes.
And if we can't sleep, we'll go for a run.
Ow.
Ow.
Oh, my gosh.
What time is it? Ow.
Ow.
Oww.
Oh! Oh! Oh! It's almost 8:00.
Balki.
Oh.
Balki.
We overslept and died.
Balki.
A little sore? I think we overdid the workout a little.
Or you threw me out the window.
Balki, it's almost 8:00.
The giris are gonna be here any minute.
Ow.
I have to call and cancel the date.
- Are you crazy? No, are you? Where are you going? - I'm going to call and cancel the date.
Oh, no, you're not.
- Oh, yes, I am.
Oh, no, you're not.
No, you don't.
Ow! Ow! Ow! It's too late.
They're here.
I'll tell them we're too sore.
I'll tell them to come back in a month.
If they find out we're this sore after one workout, they'll drop us like that.
Ow.
I am supposed to act like I am not in the worst pain of my whole young life? Yes, please.
I want Jennifer.
Okay.
If you really want Jennifer.
Help me open the door.
All right.
You get the top, you get the top, you get the top.
Turn, turn.
Open, open.
Hi, hi, hello.
Hello.
Come on in.
- Hi.
Why is it so dark in here? Oh, hey, Balki, don't be shy.
Turn on the lights.
Okay, Balki, come on.
You guys are walking funny.
Are you sore from your workout? Yes - Oh, of course not.
Not at all.
So, uh, why don't we just sit down and talk and get to know one another? Karate.
Karate yells.
We're into, uh, many, many sports.
We have wine and cheese.
- Oh, well, well, why don't we? Why don't we see if the ladies wanna wait before plunging into the old feed bag? I'm starving.
Well, uh, Balki, why don't you go get it? You brought it up.
Why don't you help me go get it? Excuse us.
You guys do everything together, don't you? Need any help? BALKl: Yes No, no, no.
- No, of course not.
You just, uh, make yourselves comfortable.
All right, all right, Balki.
You get the cheese.
I'll get the wine.
BALKl: Aah! Ow.
Ow.
Out of cheese.
Help me open the wine.
Where's Larry? - Oh, he's on the floor.
Doing sit-ups.
Thirty-seven, 38, We have wine and no glasses.
Couldn't you just pass the bottle around? Oh, here we go, here are some glasses.
Here we go.
Wine? We don't drink.
Hey, why don't we dance? We can dance.
- No, we can't.
Yes, we can.
- No, we can't.
We can dance.
- We can't dance.
We can dance.
We can dance.
- No.
We will dance.
- No dance.
You're not gonna fight over this, are you? - Fight? We can hardly move.
I have a confessión to make.
We are not the jerks you thought we were.
- Jocks.
Well, we figured the way you guys overdid it this morning, you'd be pretty sore.
We're surprised you didn't call and cancel the date.
Well, we were worried that if you thought You didn't think just because we work out, we're only interested in hunks? Well, yes.
We did.
Well, I did.
And I tried to deceive you, and I'm slime.
And I guess you'll probably want to leave now.
I'm sorry.
We can't walk you to the door.
Well, maybe we'll stay.
As long as you've learned your lesson.
Oh, yes, I have.
I have, I have.
Tell you what.
Why don't you guys sit down? We'll go get the cheese out of the trash.
BALKl: Good night.
Bye-bye.
Now, you see, those were two nice ladies.
They were not just interested in our semi-hard bodies.
They really liked our insides too.
- Yeah.
Why did you think they would not like you for who you are? Oh, I don't know.
I guess it's because in high school the cheerleaders always dated the jocks instead of guys like me.
I mean, the giris in the Latin Club were fine.
But just once, I wanted a cheerleader.
I mean, I really wanted a cheerleader.
I mean, I really wanted a cheerleader.
Cousin, calm down, you're going to hurt yourself.
Well, what do you wanna do now? Well, we could watch TV.
- Who's gonna turn it on? We could listen to a record.
- Stereo is way over there.
We could go to sleep.
Good night.
Ow.