Perfect Strangers (1986) s02e19 Episode Script

Snow Way to Treat a Lady (2)

? Last week on Perfect Strangers.
I have great news.
We're going skiing.
No way are you getting me up on that mountain.
Hi, Larry.
Ready to hit the slopes? As soon as we get up there, I'll insist we go for one run before the lifts close.
Then, after about 100 yards, I'll fall in a soft spot, fake an injury spend the rest of the weekend getting sympathy from Jennifer.
Well, in Mypos, we've have a saying.
It says, "He who lies falls into a deep pit.
" I'm skiing.
Ooh! We slide down the wrong side of the mountain wander around for two hours, and now we're stuck in this cabin with the giris for the whole night.
You don't have to thank me now.
I think we just had an earthquake.
They don't have earthquakes in Wisconsin.
It was probably just an avalanche.
Avalanche? BALKl: Cousin Larry! Oh, cousin, we're buried alive.
Not for long.
Very soon we'll all be dead.
We're trapped.
Exactly what do you mean, "trapped"? She means the cabin is buried under tons of snow and we can't get out unless we have an out-of-body experience.
I was afraid that's what she meant.
All right, all right.
Let's not panic.
What are we going to do? - We're gonna die.
I don't wanna die.
I wanna leave, now.
Jennifer, you can't go anywhere.
- Out of my way, blondie.
Jennifer, Jennifer.
Don't talk to your friend like that.
If we're going to meet our maker, we got to make nice.
All right.
Balki's right.
Let's try to accept our fate with dignity.
I don't wanna go out with dignity.
I don't wanna go out.
Won't the ski patrol find us? Jennifer, a mountain just fell on us.
They won't find our bodies until after the spring thaw.
What are you doing? Well, just because I'm gonna die doesn't mean I have to look bad.
Larry, can't you think of a way to get us out of here? I will.
I will.
There has got to be a way.
I am going to find a way out of here.
Larry, there is no way out of here.
Balki, she's right.
There's no way out of here.
We are going to die.
- Cousin, you're being a little negative.
Really? - Now, let's look at the good side.
We're still alive.
We have blankets to keep us warm.
We have the sun in the morning and the moon at night.
We have a nice roof to keep us dry.
The roof is going to collapse.
- So much for staying dry.
Oh, Mary Ann.
- Oh, Jennifer.
Oh, Balki.
- Oh, please.
Listen, forget your troubles.
Come on, get happy.
You've got to chase all your cares away.
Balki has a plan.
Come on.
I knew you'd think of something.
You know, you are brilliant.
You are.
You are.
You are very good under pressure.
No, I am glad you're here.
- Ah Now, what's the plan? - I don't have a plan.
We have got to have a plan.
- Well, I'll think of a plan.
When? - Well, l When will you think of a plan? - Stop blowing on me.
I'm not a dandelion.
- Hi.
Is anything wrong? - Oh-oh-oh.
Wrong? No.
Nope, no.
Uh Why don't you giris entertain yourselves and we'll get right back to you? Because we We have a very, very complicated plan and we need to work out the very fine details.
They're going to be very disappointed, aren't they? No, I don't think so.
Why not? - Because I just thought of a plan.
You did? What's the plan? - We're going to dig a tunnel out of here.
That's the plan? We're going to dig a tunnel through the snow? That is correct.
- Balki if we dig a tunnel, it'll collapse and we will be crushed to death.
All right, here's the plan.
Watch it.
I asked you to keep it on the paper.
We don't wanna make a mess.
- You're expecting guests? Hammer.
- Hammer.
Balki, I don't understand.
How can you whistle at a time like this? I enjoy my work.
Aren't you afraid? Oh, cousin.
Of course, I'm afraid.
But a wise man once said, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself.
" That was President Roosevelt.
He said it too? He must have heard it from my father.
My father taught me how to deal with fear.
He said, "You take that fear and you mush it into a ball and you put it in your pocket.
And then you know where it is, and it can't hurt you.
" Put your fear in your pocket? Yes, cousin, you just mush it up and put it in a ball and put it in your pocket, just like this.
Take this, put it in your pocket.
Well, it's right where I want it.
Hah Cave-in.
Crawl for your life! Feet in the bucket, feet in the bucket, feet in the bucket.
Feet in the bucket, feet in the bucket, feet in the bucket.
Cousin? Cousin.
Come back.
You know, it wasn't a cave-in after all.
It just was a bit of snow falling from the ceiling.
Balki, a little bit of snow falling from the ceiling is a cave-in.
Well, the tunnel didn't close up.
It's It's still open.
See? Right.
Well, I guess we should We should go back and keep digging, huh? Yeah.
What have we got to lose? Let's go.
The giris are depending on us.
- It's our only chance.
Okay? Here we go.
Yes, sir, we're moving now.
I'm sorry I got you into this mess.
You tried to warn me, but I wouldn't listen.
Can you forgive me? Oh, cousin.
Of course, I can.
I always forgive you.
You're my family.
You took me in, you taught me American ways and culture.
If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be where I am today.
Balki, I feel bad enough as it is.
Oh, cousin.
We've been through fat and thin together.
We can lick this.
Guess we've made a pretty good team, haven't we? You got that right.
Except for this ski trip, it's been great.
Come on, let's get back to work.
Where there's a will, there's a way.
Onward and upward.
Oh, cousin.
I had no idea we had come so far.
I'm exhausted.
Balki, Balki.
We're gonna have to start bearing a little bit to the right.
Oh, no, no, no.
- Yes.
- Cousin, we have to go to the left.
No, we're gonna To the right.
We're gonna Cousin, cousin.
Shh, shh.
- Lf we want to All right.
How many times have you dug a tunnel? Ah Eh! - How many? How many? How many times? How many times have you dug a tunnel? - Three.
Through the snow? - None.
None? As in zero? As in never, ever, have you dug a tunnel through the snow? That is correct.
- All right, there you go.
Balki, I am from Wisconsin.
I have been digging tunnels through snow since I was 5.
I am going to lead, and we are gonna start bearing to the right.
Switch places.
Come on, switch.
- Oh You know, Jennifer, I know we're gonna get out of here but just in case we don't, I'm glad you're my best friend and there's no one else I'd rather die with.
Thank you.
Get ready to catch some snow.
This mountain isn't gonna know what hit it.
Cousin, you're a lean, mean, digging machine.
I found it.
- You found a way out? No, I found my ChapStick.
I lost it in the avalanche.
Mm Cousin, we've been digging for hours, and we have gotten nowhere.
I still think we should have turned left.
Well, you're wrong.
- No, I'm not.
Balki, there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
Yes, and every rolling stone has a silver lining, doesn't it? No, no, Balki, there is a light at the end of this tunnel.
Look, look.
Oh, cousin.
- We made it.
We made it.
It's Larry.
We're saved.
Hi, Larry.
Oh, no, no, no.
How did you guys get over here? - I'll let you field that one, cousin.
It's all my fault.
I tunneled in a circle.
I can't do anything right.
I'm an albatross.
A Jonah.
A bad-luck charm.
I'd tell you to cast me outside if we could just get outside.
You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, Larry.
Oh, yes, I should.
I am dirt.
If it wasn't for my snowball of lies, we wouldn't be stuck in this pit.
Jennifer, I lied to you about skiing at Innsbruck.
I've never raced a giant slalom.
The truth is, I can't ski at all, I just I just wanted you to like me as much as I like you.
Larry, I don't know what to say.
I'm I'm flattered that you would go to so much trouble to impress me yet repulsed at the thought that it might cost us our lives.
L Don't be too angry with him, Jennifer.
Think of him as one who loved not wisely, but too well.
I think that's Shakespeare.
Or Moonlighting.
I forgive you, Larry.
Thank you.
I just want you to know I think you're a fine group of people and it's an honor to die with you.
Wait a minute.
I can't believe the babasticki that I'm hearing.
You're giving up.
And you call yourselves Americans? What ever happened to, "I have not yet begun to fight"? "Don't give up the ship.
" "Have it your way.
" Americans aren't quitters.
If George Washington had given up at Valley Forge we'd all be speaking English today.
Now, I'm going back in that tunnel, and I'm going to make a sharp left.
Are you coming with me? Balki's right.
We're Americans.
If we're gonna go down, we're gonna go down fighting.
It's just that I am so tired.
Oh, cousin, cousin, it's okay.
It's okay.
Listen, everybody gets tired.
George Washington got tired.
That's why he slept everywhere.
Now, I'm going to go back in the tunnel and do some digging.
You take a nap, and when it's time for you to relieve me, I'll wake you up.
Good luck, Balki.
Here's something to keep you warm.
Oh Be careful.
Be careful back there.
Ice Station Zebra? Good morning.
Where's Balki? - He must still be in the tunnel.
What a guy.
He didn't even wake me up to relieve him.
Oh, no.
Balki? Balki? Oh, no.
I can't be Balki! Balki! Balki! Oh, God.
Balki! Balki.
- Larry, there's too much snow.
The tunnel's collapsed.
No, no, I gotta save him.
I've got to save him.
Balki, Balki.
Balki, Balki.
The tunnel must have collapsed hours ago.
That's why he didn't wake you up.
Oh Oh Oh, this can't be happening.
I belong in the pit, not him.
Oh Oh, why Why didn't I listen to him instead of to my own hormones? Why do you have to be so damned attractive? I'm sorry, Larry.
- Oh Oh Listen to me.
L I have just killed the sweetest, bravest man I have ever known and now I'm trying to blame it on you.
He came to America, looking for a new life.
He moved in with a cousin he didn't even know.
I thought I was doing him a favor, no.
I was the lucky one.
If I know anything about the goodness and purity in life it's because Balki Bartokomus taught me.
We're gonna miss him too, Larry.
- Oh I will never forgive myself for this.
I think Balki would forgive you.
- Of course, he would.
Even dead, he's a better man than me.
If I could just hear his voice one more time.
BALKl: Cousin Larry? If I could just see him again and tell him how much he meant to me.
I think he's up there.
Of course he is.
He was a saint.
No, no, no.
I mean, I think he's on the roof.
BALKl: Cousin, can you hear me? Balki? Balki? He's alive.
He's alive.
Balki! You're alive! Well, of course I am, don't be ridiculous.
What am I gonna be? Dead? I can see the search party from here.
They're coming soon.
It's a wonderful day.
Yes, it sure is.
We're saved.
Ooh We're saved.
We're saved.
All right, listen.
Live and learn.
Live and learn.
Oh, cousin, no.
Well, no, I agree with you there.
Well, no, no, no.
I don't know about that.
Well, of course not, don't be ridiculous.
Oh, cousin, I know, I know what it is.
You're still feeling like a big slime ball.
You're too kind.
- Oh Oh, no, cousin.
Listen, listen, I know how to cheer you up.
No, no.
I don't think that's possible.
Oh, yes, it is, cousin.
Now, listen to me.
Jennifer told me that she thinks you are brave.
No, you're the one that saved us.
Well, that's a very good point.
- Oh She told me she thinks you are clever.
No, you're one who came up with all the ideas.
Well, that's true.
That's very, very true.
- Oh She told me that she thought that you were cute.
Did she really say she thinks I'm cute? Well, of course she did.
I don't lie.
No, I'm the one who lies.
But I'm basically an honest man.
L I never lied to my parents, I never cheated in school.
It's just that when I'm around Jennifer, l You lose your mind.
- Yeah.
You're getting better.
You told her the truth.
Yeah, I guess I did.
And do you know why? - No.
Because, if you know anything about the goodness and purity in life Balki Bartokomus taught you.
Wait a minute.
How long were you up on that roof? Saint Balki.
I like that.