Perfect Strangers (1986) s02e20 Episode Script

Up on a Roof

While? Larry adores the minuet The Ballet Russes And the crepe suzette But Balki like to rock n roll The hot dog makes him lose control What a wild duet Still, theyre cousins Hi, cousin.
Identical cousins and youll find If you're hungry, there's some din-din machmud on the bottom shelf.
What's din-din machmud? Pig snout with saffron.
No, thank you.
I'm on a low-saffron diet.
Mm.
Ah.
What's this? I'm doing a Myposian lint painting.
A lint painting? Well, exactly.
On Mypos, we waste nothing.
Interesting story.
The first one The first one was done by Brektos, our spiritual leader, in the storybook days.
And the legend says that he went up on the mountain for 60 day and 60 night to contemplate his navel.
And when he came down he had a lint painting.
We've been doing it ever since.
How do you like it? Uh Well, uh, what can I say? You could hang this under any rug in the worid.
Oh, cousin.
Oh You don't mean that.
- Oh, I do.
Thank you.
You know, it's because of you I got back into lint painting.
I see you take these pictures for the photo contest and it makes me want to do something creative too.
Well, I'm glad one of us benefited from all my hard work.
What the matter? Can't you pick which picture to put in the photo contest? Yes.
None of them.
What? You're not going to enter the photo contest? Ugh, who am I kidding? The Chicago Gazette photo contest is one of the most prestigious.
It was just a crazy dream.
I thought if I won, my photojournalism career would have been launched.
Well, it would be nice if you were launched.
It would have been wonderful.
- But I don't understand.
You've been taking pictures for three months.
You must have a hundred here.
- A hundred and six.
And they all stink.
- No, they don't.
They are very, very good.
Balki, "very, very good" will not win this contest.
I need that one special picture.
I need something extraordinary.
Something that will make the heart of man leap within him.
Something that sums up the meaning of life.
You know what I mean? Well, of course I do.
Don't be ridiculous.
You need something a little different.
Yes, that's right.
Well, what about this one of the kitty cat being carried away by the big bird? That's different.
Balki, look at the kitty cat's face.
What do you see? Fear.
Sure.
Sure, you see fear.
But the keen eye of the photographer sees a kitty cat with three whiskers on the left side of his face and two on the right.
There's no symmetry.
Okay, what about this one of the fireman catching the baby that was thrown from the burning building? It's been done.
Why am I even talking to you about this? You probably don't have photographers on Mypos.
Well, no, we don't.
But we have a guy named Nicholai who has a very good memory.
Whenever we have a fire, Nicky's the first thing we save.
Well, good.
Why don't we enter Nicky in the contest? He's got a better chance than me.
Oh, cousin, I see what you're doing.
You had a crazy dream and you spent three months taking pictures.
And now with only one day left, you're just going to roll over and die? That's basically what I had in mind, yes.
Well, let me tell you a story about an immigrant boy who had a crazy dream to come to America.
Wait.
- And he got on the tramp steamer.
Wait.
- Tramp, tramp, tramp.
Wait, I've heard this story.
It's not gonna do you any good.
I'm feeling sorry for myself.
If you were a real friend, you'd join in.
Well, I do feel sorry for you.
Poor little Larry Appleton.
He could have been a great photographer but he'll never know because he gave up.
Oh, I hate it when you do this.
In the years to come, you'll look back on what you might have been and you'll remember that your best buddy, Balki, said: "Keep trying, Larry Appleton.
" But you didn't.
Can't you just let me accept failure? Over my dead battery.
All right, all right, I don't know what I'm gonna find in just one day but I'll give it a shot.
- Now you're talking, turkey.
Now we are so happy, we do the dance of joy.
Balki.
Balki.
Why don't we hold up on that? At least let me find a picture.
Cousin, somewhere out there is the perfect picture.
I know it.
And you're going to find it.
Yeah.
Yeah, and pigs can fly.
That would make a great picture.
The man just needed a little push.
Thank you.
Larry, guess what.
I got your mail again.
It's an easy mistake.
I'm in 302, you're in 203.
Perhaps the mailman has lysdexia.
That's dyslexia.
Is that it? I always get that word turned around.
So did you send a picture for the photo contest yet? No, but I'm going to.
I was gonna give up, but Balki wouldn't let me.
Sure enough, I found the perfect shot.
I'm gonna take it this afternoon.
- What is it? It's a church with a cross on the steeple, but that's not the shot.
I am so proud of myself.
There's not a photographer in a million who would have even seen the shot.
At exactly 6:02, the setting sun drops between these two tall buildings and a shaft of light hits the cross, turning it this brilliant gold and it glows like something supernatural.
It only lasts for a second and then it's gone.
It's beautiful.
- Yeah, churches are nice.
See you.
Hi.
- Hi.
Cousin, I'm sorry I'm late, but wait until you hear why.
Mrs.
Twinkacetti asked me to move some furniture in her house and behind the dresser, I found a gold mine in dust balls.
Forget the dust.
- Mm-hm.
You were right, I did it.
I found the award-winning photograph.
Oh, cousin, I'm so happy for you.
It's a church with a cross on the steeple, but that's not the shot.
I am so proud of myself.
There is not a photographer who would have even seen the shot.
Wait a minute.
This isn't the church where the setting sun falls between two tall buildings and casts a shaft of light on the cross that makes it glow a brilliant gold as if it had taken on a life all of its own, is it? Well, it's the angle that's important.
What I'm gonna do Is get on the roof of the building across the street.
The address is 2 - 2831 Garfield.
Can I tell this? - Oh, well, I wish you would.
I have to get the shot this afternoon, otherwise, the jig is up.
I'm gonna get the owner's permissiĆ³n.
You're gonna have to help get equipment on top of the roof.
Balki, I have this contest in the bag.
I'm on my way to the good life.
What means "the good life"? It means the, uh, good life.
Wow.
I am so happy for you.
Now we can do the dance of joy.
- You bet.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
- Hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
Hey! - Hey, hey.
Hey! Fred and Ginger, front and center.
I'm taking the day off to be with my lovely wife, my lovely children at my less than lovely mother-in-law's.
Appleton, this is what I want you to do.
I'll get there around 4.
Call my wife and tell her the store is on fire.
That way I gotta come back and spend the rest of the weekend playing poker.
See you.
Uh, Mr.
Twinkacetti.
I can't tell your wife there's a fire in the store.
Right.
I've used that excuse before.
Tell her the turnip locked himself in the safe.
Who wouldn't believe that? I can't tell her that either.
- What is it? Make something up, Appleton.
Cousin - Not now, Balki.
Mr.
Twinkacetti, I will not lie to your wife for you.
Appleton, someday, you will want something from me and no matter how small that something is my response will be a well-known gesture.
That building you want to get on the top of so you can take the picture of the church? Yes, I know it.
I know the building.
I know it well.
What about it? It's Mr.
Twinkacetti's house.
Oh, don't cry.
- All right.
That was easy.
You know, you're bouncing back better all the time.
Balki, you and I are gonna get on that roof and we are going to get that picture even if it kills us.
BALKl: Cousin, can you give me a hand? I don't like this.
We're not supposed to break into somebody's house.
We're not breaking into Twinky's house, we're breaking onto his house.
Besides, he's not even home.
Just try to act like you belong here.
How do I act like I belong on a roof? Will you stop worrying? We'll be off of here in five minutes.
It's pretty far down.
- Only two stories.
The roof is pretty steep.
- I hadn't noticed.
Balki, get that for me, would you? I don't think so.
Cousin, I don't understand.
You're the one that's afraid of heights.
You scream if you stand up in the bathtub.
Balki, I have to get this picture.
My whole future depends on it.
Nothing's gonna stop me.
There are no obstacles, and absolutely nothing can go wrong.
I know that nothing can possibly go wrong but have you noticed that it's getting a little windy? It's a little breezy.
Fortunately, I have everything in my bag that you could possibly need in a photographic emergency.
Here, hold this.
Sandbags.
We can't have the tripod blowing off in the wind, can we? Well, of course we can't, don't be ridiculous.
What about me blowing off the roof? You're not a photographic emergency.
- I'm human.
That's not good enough.
Just hang on.
We'll be off here in two minutes.
Okay, give me the camera.
Balki, give me the camera.
No.
I have the camera, and I say we get off the roof.
Balki, give me that camera.
Uh-uh.
Look, there's the Wicked Witch of the West.
- Where? Ha-ha! You tricked Balki.
There was no witch.
Ha! No way am I getting off this roof now.
No, I've taken this shot a thousand times in my head.
I've planned every minute detail.
Where'd that chimney come from? - I bet it came with the house.
What idiot architect would put a chimney where it blocks the view of the church? Where have the good craftsmen gone? - Blown off the roof.
Cousin, you've flipped your coin.
You have plenty of good pictures at home.
If I can get on top of the chimney, I can still get my shot.
No, cousin, cousin.
Cousin.
Cousin, will you? Whoa! Whoa.
Yeah, hi, Ralph.
Yeah, I can make the card game after all.
I told my wife the turnip got locked in the safe, ha-ha, and she bought it.
Who wouldn't? See you at 8.
Balki, help, I'm in trouble here.
Help! - Hush.
Never hush a man who's hanging by his fingertips.
Help! Help! Mr.
Twinkacetti's home.
Help.
Help.
We have to get off the roof before Mr.
Twinkacetti catches us.
Later.
I still have 50 seconds to get this picture.
If I hold on to this TV antenna I can hold the camera in one hand and lean out past the chimney.
That picture of the kitty cat is looking better all the time.
I can see it.
You know, I'm getting an optical illusiĆ³n.
It looks as if the church is getting closer and closer.
Cousin.
Cousin, the antenna is bending.
Come back here.
No, no.
It'll hold for five more seconds.
I've got to get this shot.
Three, two, one, zero.
Minus one, minus two, mi Where is the shaft of light? Where is the sun? Maybe it's behind those big black clouds over there.
Cousin, don't panic.
Just slowly come back here.
The weather report said it was to be sunny.
Now the picture is gone.
What am I gonna do? Cousin, just to get an idea of where you are, you might look down.
Now we're talking on the same channel.
- Thank you, thank you, thank you.
All right, you didn't get your picture, now we get off the roof.
I can't.
I just remembered, I'm afraid of heights.
Well, you picked a fine time to remember that.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, we're going to wait until it gets dark and then you won't see how far down it is.
Did I mention I'm afraid of the dark? Cousin? Cousin, don't do that.
Cousin, it's dark now.
We can get off the roof.
I can't believe it.
I didn't get my picture.
This is all Twinkacetti's fault.
Boy, the next time I see him, he's in trouble.
What are you two doing up on my roof? Mr.
Twinkacetti, this is all my fault.
That goes without saying.
I was trying to get a picture of the church for my contest.
But he didn't get the picture.
- Cry me a river! Okay.
Now get off my roof.
Okay.
The ladder! - The ladder! Now I'm stuck up here and it's your fault! - My fault? You wouldn't be up here if you were with your wife and kids.
I wouldn't have come up here if you weren't playing Tarzan on my antenna.
I wouldn't have had to if you'd put your chimney where it belongs.
I'm gonna put my fist where it belongs.
BALKl: No, wait, Mr.
Twinkacetti.
Stop, stop, stop.
Will you stop? Whoa! BALKl: Whoa.
TWINKACETTl: Let go.
Let go.
BALKl: Ow.
We've got to stop fighting and find a way to get off the roof.
What did you have in mind? Help! - Save your voice.
No one can hear you.
Their windows are closed.
And do you know why their windows are closed? Because it's starting to freeze? - Bingo.
I'm sorry I got that right.
What else could possibly go wrong? It was a rhetorical question.
You know, this might be a good chance for us to just chat and get to know one another.
I'm gonna throw the turnip off the roof.
And if we're lucky, he'll drag himself to get help.
And if we're unlucky, we're still lucky.
What was that? - Thunder.
Ah! I hate thunder.
You know there's something aesthetically pleasing about your face when you're terrified.
I want my wife.
Edwina.
Edwina! That's great.
I think I got your face framed by lightning.
Ooh, you're cruel, Appleton.
No, I'm not.
Hold that whimper.
Yes.
Aah! What's that? - I don't know.
Is this another TV antenna? - It's a lightning rod! That draws lightning? - It's a real good one too.
If we stay up here, we'll die.
Help! Help! Help! "Larry Appleton, 10th place.
" - Yeah, I'm good, all right.
I even helped somebody else win first prize.
I think it was very nice of someone to take that picture of the fireman rescuing us from the roof.
It's a terrific picture, if you call that composition.
Cousin, you won 10th place.
That's wonderful.
Well, thank you for making me keep trying, and for helping me get the picture.
And for saving your life.
That too.
Cousin, I couldn't let you quit.
Or die.
And if you ever see me giving up, you must stop me too.
That's what friends do for each other.
Yeah.
Why don't we go to Curly's newsstand and buy every newspaper he has to send to everyone you know? Just like the time Mary Ann got in the paper because she got her head stuck in a chainlink fence.
It was her hair.
Balki, I don't need to buy newspapers because I don't need to brag.
But this is a great accomplishment.
You should be proud.
Ah, I don't need to send a newspaper to anyone.
The important thing is that I know.
Wow.
You're some humble guy.
Balki, a lot of it was blind luck.
I didn't get the picture I was after.
But if you hadn't risked your life, and mine, trying to get the picture of the church you never would have gotten this picture of Mr.
Twinkacetti framed by lightning.
It is pretty good, isn't it? - Good? Good? - Yeah.
Good? - Ha-ha-ha.
What was the question? The picture.
It's pretty good.
Well, of course it is, don't be ridiculous.
And I'll tell you what.
To celebrate, I'm gonna take you to your favorite place.
Not the petting zoo? - You got it.
Oh, boy! Are you going to ride the camel with me this time? No.
The camel always spits at me.
Can I chase the chickens? - No, you can't chase the chickens.
Question: Am I wrong, or is that closet full of newspapers? Not full, only head-high.
Oh, I see.
All right, so I got a few for my family, friends.
And a lot for my enemies.
My high school graduation class, Time? Life