PhoneShop (2009) s01e04 Episode Script
Bear Bad Man
Third time this week.
First shish, then doner, now omelette.
They're all having a go.
Oh, Lance! I hear your shop's going down the pan.
So when you going to get your security guard then? Fuck off, Sandra.
Up yours.
No, I've got no idea who did it, mate.
No.
Probably kids.
You know what they're like round here, the little cu Morning.
Just put a new menu up there.
Last one gave me the shits.
OK.
Today, for one day only, Super Sales Wednesday.
Who'd have thought it? Right.
What? What's that? Super Sales Wednesday.
What does that even mean like? Super Sales Wednesday.
What makes it super? Well, we'll have some balloons, streamers, face pai face face to face customer interaction.
Ooh! Yeah.
Just a bit of fun.
It's a family fucking fun day, innit? That's what it is, innit? Say what you mean, Lance.
Family Funday? Are you saying face paints? Is that what you're saying? No.
Maybe a little bit.
Listen, bruv.
I ain't downgrading this with no paint, yeah, trust me.
Who was that fat woman that done it last time? Rosemary.
Rosemary.
Yeah, I told her, do me Darth Maul and keep it low level.
I ended up looking like a Emile Heskey Birthday Cake.
Boys, good news.
Rosemary won't be back.
She's lost an arm.
I don't care, I ain't doin' no fuckin' facepaint, trust me.
Getting paint up on this? Nah! Janine? No, I can't.
I've got a very delicate Ph.
My doctor would be livid.
Janine, I got something that's very good for your skin.
Very nourishing.
Rich in protein, innit.
OK, are you going to do anything about this, because he's now suggesting I either swallow or wear his semen.
What's the matter with you? Why you got to be so rapid with it? I'll phone Evelyn.
Tell her her son's got a mouth full of sex ex.
It's sex ex just for you, baby.
That's a gentle lover, right.
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
Ah! That's enough.
Jerwayne, apologise.
No.
We beat the other stores today, there's a 200 bonus in it.
Face paints? All day long I could do that.
Face paint's good for me.
As a lion, I look strong, yeah.
Grr.
Now, as we all know, there's some people inside and outside this company who think the loss of Little Gary Patel is going to be the death knell for this shop.
Bollock talk! And here is our secret weapon.
Ahhh.
Yes.
It's heavy.
What is it? A surprise! Go on, open it! OK! Oooohhhhh! Oooohhhhhh-arghhhhhh! Wow.
What's this for? That's for you! You're going street fighting.
Listen, they call it street fighting to make it sound glamorous.
It ain't.
Basically you're just handing out leaflets and talking to kids dressed as a prick.
What's that? What? It's you, fam! I give him ten minutes.
Half that.
Janine? I've got confidence in him.
An hour.
Would you like a leaflet for PhoneShop? Tears? Like a lollipop lady's funeral.
Would you like a leaflet for PhoneShop? Free face painting Blood, in and out, yeah? Yo, open the till! I said open the fucking till if I have to light you up, man! Do it! Do it! Do what man says, man! That's right, blood.
You looks confused, cuz.
This ain't a fucking quiz show Deal Or No Deal? Deal! No Deal! I swear that's my man, innit? Course it is, the eyes are a dead give away.
Allow this.
Ian, innit? It's Little Ian Berry.
Look at him all grown up.
I ain't see this boy since he was in Huggies, you know! How they know your details? Shut up, man.
I'm not Ian Berry, blood.
Man is a badman, yeah? Ian, you ain't no bad man, yeah, you still live with your nan.
That's not my nan, bruv, that's my mum, yeah.
What, your mum's 75? My mum's not 75, she's a mature-looking 50, yeah.
And she's still my mum, you bitch.
You have to admit, she is more like a nan than mum, innit? Police please.
Nah, nah, nah, nah, Janine, lower it, we know this boy, we went to school with his brother, Trevor.
You know Trevor? Trevor Trevor.
Oh, hello! They've got the same eyes.
Haven't you got lovely eyes.
This is a hoax.
Grrrr Fuck his eyes, man, just shut up and give us the money.
Is your hand cold, bruv? Ooh, where's it gone? There ain't no gatt in the hat, fam.
Right, Little Britain, here's a pound, fuck off to Greggs.
And you, Berry Boy, come with me.
We're going to have a chat.
Hey man, what you slap me for? Hey, stay strong, fam! I'm sorry about all that nonsense and foolishness.
I was just wondering whether you could maybe give me one more pound, you know, because steak bake gets stuck in your teeth and you need a drink to wash it down or something, so Right, and get me a black grape, yeah? Oh, you'd like something as well? Because I'm going to need an extra pound or something, you know, prices Blah blah blah Just fuck off, bruv.
All right, then I'll pick up a Snickers Duo or something.
Do one! Woah.
That was all a bit high wire for a Wednesday.
Look, Lance was right, people think this shop's losing it without Little Gary.
They think they can take the piss.
Frittata on the window? Yeah, and I swear down someone done a human shit in the delivery bay.
And Dawn Louise Kelly from marketing keeps referring to us as the Slutton Branch.
Evil Whore.
You know, Michael Chew out of Maplins said that Fat Sara out of Clintons told Warehouse Lee out of River Island that she'd heard out of our Head Office that we was getting a security guard.
Mmm.
The buzzards are circling.
Somewhere in a bedsit not far from here, an overweight, underqualified man is packing a PVC holdall, couple of nudie mags, flask of Big Soup, and when he gets here actually that's the end for all of us.
Why you looking so comfy? Go back to your area, innit? Bounce! I'm taking that.
Fam, what the eff you doin'? You going to get yourself in trouble, you know.
You can't contain this.
Look, I'm a force of nature.
You ain't a force of nature, you're a fuckin' idiot.
Look, I'm trying to help you.
I don't hear you listening to me.
Why should I listen to Shopman, huh? I mean what, Mr Ten Grand A Year? Look, I'll be celebrating with champs and weed, while you're on Birds Eye and Tango, wanking to the Five O'clock Show.
Yeah, that's right! I said it! What? It was me.
Huh? Get in the cage.
What? Get in the fucking cage.
Would you like a leaflet for PhoneShop? You're an idiot, mate.
You can get your face painted.
I'm still a badman, y'know.
And you don't tell nobody that you seen me like this, right? Yeah, yeah, Nan don't need to know, yeah? I told you, yeah, that's not my nan, bruv that's my mum! Boss, hey boss, don't turn out the light, yeah? I got asthma, innit? Look man, you can't contain me, bruv.
And you know I'm going to break out of here anyway, man, you dickhead! Bear Man coming down here for you, you pussy.
Yeah, that's right, what? Huh? Huh? What have you done with the youth then? I had to think like Little Gary.
I caged him.
Oh, cage! Cage is back.
I had no option.
I had to manage the youth.
I don't really miss Little Gary.
Not one bit, trust me.
Hey, hey, Gary, go on, take the piss out of my receding hair line now, innit? Sorry, bruv, can't hear you from D Wing.
Go on then, shoot me with your crossbow through your tiny prison window, you chief.
Hello, I'm Gary and I'm an arsehole.
You little prick.
Hello, PhoneShop Sutton, Jerwayne speaking, how's your day today please? Oh, hello, Gary! You! Don't do impressions! No! How are you? How's prison? Is who here yet? A security guard? Nah, nah, we ain't had nothing from head office.
Don't worry about it, trust me.
Me and Ash've got this place on lock.
Yeah, but me and Ash Well, if you just listen to Tell him.
OK, Gary.
Yes.
Nah nah, it's Yes.
It's Yes.
Look, it's Yeah, no-one's taking the Bruvs, bruvs.
Hello? Hello? Security guard coming down here.
Watching us, man.
Overseeing us.
Lance'll go mad.
Oh, we can't let him see that, it's We're losing respect.
Man can't have that.
Man's got a rep to maintain, yeah? This is messed up.
What we going to do? I tell you what we're going to do.
We are going to start with you two manning the fuck up.
We lock this shit down.
We pack out the shop today and we send a message to the rest of the high street that we are still ever so much in business and then we win this competition.
And we are going to show PhoneShop Group that we are still every teensy bit as dynamic and effective as when Little Gary was here.
Understand? OK.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You know where we're going? Where are we going? Oh! We're going to that place! We're going to that place.
Hello, Christopher.
How's it going? It's horrible.
I just got called a lotion man by a five-year-old.
I don't even know what a lotion man is.
Might be nice.
Probably isn't.
What you've got to remember is, most of these kids have never seen a bear before.
They attack what they don't know.
Desperate times, eh Lance? Having to rely on the mascot? Uh-uhhhhh! Fuck off, Sandra.
Arsehole.
Ah, we're going to that place are we, gentlemen? Well done.
It's a little ritual we have, a tie straightener, a little helping hand when we need to smash the target.
Dig in, bruv.
These must have cost you a fortune.
Perks of the job, Numes, trust me, listen.
I ain't bought a hot beverage on this high street since Fern Britton had belly.
Really? You know when you buy a coffee, and they give you a loyalty card? Yeah.
And when you got eight stamps on that card, you get a free coffee? Oh, so we must have loads of completed cards? No, blood.
We got the stamp.
OK, what we're working with today is under the counter quad shot ristretto.
This shit right here, banned in Milan, it killed a priest.
It's heavy blood.
Right, here we go! Not yet! Usual terms and conditions.
Anything said or done under the influence of this doesn't count.
Agreed? Agreed! Uh uh uh.
Christopher, this might get a bit bumpy, you all right with that? Yeah.
Right.
Three, two, one, let's go! Let's do it! Let's sell some fucking phones! Come on! Come on! Stop throwing food at me.
Ow! That's what happens if you don't do well at school.
Stop How's it going, Chris? Horrible.
You doing well? No.
I'm not.
It looks like you're doing well.
Everyone's circling, kicking and punching me, shouting, "Teddy Fuckspin!" What's wrong with these people? These people don't respect the bear.
They don't respect the costume and they don't respect the bear.
You need to man up, Christopher.
Yeah? Man up.
If they smell a scared bear they'll take you to the woods and shit all over you.
I've seen it.
Eugh.
Where? Holiday in Magaluf.
Don't go there again.
Go on, get out there.
I don't want please don't.
Go on.
Go on.
Don't make me do it.
Go on.
They'll punch me.
I don't want to Go! GOK, I'm going.
Hello.
Hello.
I'm Barry from Trident Sec Why don't we go and find somewhere for that heavy bag? Just wait here, yeah? All right, mate? All right, yeah, I'm Barry from Trident Sec Hey! A Scouser? Nice one! Let's get you cup of mantunna and a nice jam buttie! Stop it! Yeah, I've seen a lot of heavy shit go down.
It's all part of the job, really.
People like to take the mick out of us guys, saying we're fat, stupid, shithouses that couldn't make it as firemen.
Listen, anyone can sit around reading porn and drinking tea all day.
And don't get me wrong that's a big part of our job, too.
But we are every bit, if not more, essential to the well-being of society as those snooker-playing pricks.
Janine, I need a shit! Not now Lance, I'm with a customer.
I'm bursting.
No! Oh, I'll use the toilet.
That's not the gaffer is it? I should be on the shop floor by now.
Sorry! If I didn't know better, I'd say you did that on purpose, little lady.
Yeah, I did, yeah.
I'm sure we can get that cleaned up for you.
Really? Mmm hmmm.
I think we both know where this is heading.
Do we? Welcome to the gun show! Urghhhhh.
What do you think of these? Infected? Would you like a tour of the basement? Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting? Because if you are, I'd be more than happy to, m'lady.
Great.
Oh, and uh shaved.
Ooh Thanks very much.
Thanks, thanks.
Christopher! Put your fucking helmet back on! You're breaking the magic.
Magic? Look at me! Does this look like magic to you? Is this magic? Never, ever mock the mascot! Helmet! Helmet! Helmet! Helmet! Oh, shit.
Oh, boy, I used to read about shit like this when I was on nights.
And now, I'm living it.
Thank you Fiesta! Right, a bit of quiet, please.
Face painting lady's here.
She's over there in the corner.
Your face, paints, one arm Two face painters with one arm should have booked both of them.
Right, who wants their face painted? Come on! You do! Ah, you miserable bastards.
She's come up from Kent for this! In an automatic.
Ah, fucking hell.
This is unbelievable.
Can't believe I'm getting paid for this.
She's probably gone off to get a bag of dildos or something.
So who do you work for, shop security or mobile with dogs? Ah, mystery shopper.
What soup you got? Ashley, Jerwayne.
Have you had your faces painted? What are you talking about? I thought not.
As your manager I order you to have your faces painted.
Dizzy.
Stop that.
Right.
Fuck the lot of you.
Fuck all of you.
Fuck you.
Not you, sorry, Val.
OK, I'll have it done, then you'll be jealous.
Yeah, I'll have a monkey here and a lighthouse here.
You'll be saying, "I wish I looked like Lance.
" You two have let me down.
Val, achtung! Val, run! Run, Val.
This might get a little uncomfortable.
Dressed as a prick.
Respect the bear, don't respect the bear.
Dressed as a prick.
They'll shit all over you.
Come on, young'un, let the Topshop lads go.
Don't try to be a hero.
Piss off, you fuck nugget.
Oh, really? Come on then, you old tosser.
You want it, do you? Where do you want it? There! Come back, you shit! There! Respect the bear! Dude! Hang in there, bruv.
Everything's going to be all right, Christopher, OK? Sorry! Sorry.
I did I did good, didn't I, guys? It's all right, noobs, we got you, yeah? We got you now.
We're going to look after you, bruv.
Les, man, I thought you was on parole? Yeah, Iamon parole, but I didn't know he was one of yours, did I? He's dressed up like a fucking nonce.
Guys, guys, guys, guys Look, I'm sorry.
It ain't really, is it, hey? Try and put the nose back on.
What's the matter with you, then?! Respect the bear.
Respect the bear.
You're OK, fam, yeah? Got to get you back to the shop.
You need to rest, innit.
I'm fine Just leave I've spoken to the bear and he's fine Yeah! Still a new man, blud.
So to solve your problem, I'd say this is definitely the best phone for you.
Laters, woman.
Is the manager about? He's upstairs.
We've had some reports of an assault involving a bear.
That's ridiculous, officer.
What you been smoking? Cheaps! Are you the manager? No.
Well, then I suggest that you run along and get him for me, son.
OK.
One, I ain't your son.
Lance, the police are here.
Two, just so you know, I pay both your wages.
And three, what? Is this about the hoax call earlier, because there wasn't one and it wasn't me.
But I think you do a brilliant job under very trying circumstances.
Am I too tall to be a special? I am so sorry.
What seems to be the problem, officers? Just mind your step there.
And last of all, the stock room.
Oh, this just gets better and better.
Come on in, lads, and join the party.
I've got a bottle of poppers in me bag.
I should be in there really, chewing a bit of bamboo.
Just trying to lighten the mood.
200 for you.
Yes, Lance.
200 for you.
Blessed.
Thank you.
200 for you.
Well done.
200 for our street fighter.
Wow, 200 quid! Uh-da-da-da-da-da.
200 for the Topshop lads.
200 for the security guard.
200 for Mr Berry.
200 for our brave boys in blue.
Hey, bruv, we smashed that target, innit? You'll still get the commission.
Shit, it's Little Gary.
Hello? Hello, Gary.
Yeah, how are you? Yeah? Really? Is that what they're saying? OK, yeah, thank you, Gary.
Thank you.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Bye.
What's he saying? PhoneShop Sutton is once again the most feared shop on the High Street, thanks entirely to the Bearman! Christopher, never ever mock the mascot.
Respect the bear.
Indeed.
Bearman.
Bad man.
Feels nice, doesn't it? Yeah, when they let you do it.
All right, Sandra? Fuck off, Lance.
MemoryOnSmells
First shish, then doner, now omelette.
They're all having a go.
Oh, Lance! I hear your shop's going down the pan.
So when you going to get your security guard then? Fuck off, Sandra.
Up yours.
No, I've got no idea who did it, mate.
No.
Probably kids.
You know what they're like round here, the little cu Morning.
Just put a new menu up there.
Last one gave me the shits.
OK.
Today, for one day only, Super Sales Wednesday.
Who'd have thought it? Right.
What? What's that? Super Sales Wednesday.
What does that even mean like? Super Sales Wednesday.
What makes it super? Well, we'll have some balloons, streamers, face pai face face to face customer interaction.
Ooh! Yeah.
Just a bit of fun.
It's a family fucking fun day, innit? That's what it is, innit? Say what you mean, Lance.
Family Funday? Are you saying face paints? Is that what you're saying? No.
Maybe a little bit.
Listen, bruv.
I ain't downgrading this with no paint, yeah, trust me.
Who was that fat woman that done it last time? Rosemary.
Rosemary.
Yeah, I told her, do me Darth Maul and keep it low level.
I ended up looking like a Emile Heskey Birthday Cake.
Boys, good news.
Rosemary won't be back.
She's lost an arm.
I don't care, I ain't doin' no fuckin' facepaint, trust me.
Getting paint up on this? Nah! Janine? No, I can't.
I've got a very delicate Ph.
My doctor would be livid.
Janine, I got something that's very good for your skin.
Very nourishing.
Rich in protein, innit.
OK, are you going to do anything about this, because he's now suggesting I either swallow or wear his semen.
What's the matter with you? Why you got to be so rapid with it? I'll phone Evelyn.
Tell her her son's got a mouth full of sex ex.
It's sex ex just for you, baby.
That's a gentle lover, right.
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
Ah! That's enough.
Jerwayne, apologise.
No.
We beat the other stores today, there's a 200 bonus in it.
Face paints? All day long I could do that.
Face paint's good for me.
As a lion, I look strong, yeah.
Grr.
Now, as we all know, there's some people inside and outside this company who think the loss of Little Gary Patel is going to be the death knell for this shop.
Bollock talk! And here is our secret weapon.
Ahhh.
Yes.
It's heavy.
What is it? A surprise! Go on, open it! OK! Oooohhhhh! Oooohhhhhh-arghhhhhh! Wow.
What's this for? That's for you! You're going street fighting.
Listen, they call it street fighting to make it sound glamorous.
It ain't.
Basically you're just handing out leaflets and talking to kids dressed as a prick.
What's that? What? It's you, fam! I give him ten minutes.
Half that.
Janine? I've got confidence in him.
An hour.
Would you like a leaflet for PhoneShop? Tears? Like a lollipop lady's funeral.
Would you like a leaflet for PhoneShop? Free face painting Blood, in and out, yeah? Yo, open the till! I said open the fucking till if I have to light you up, man! Do it! Do it! Do what man says, man! That's right, blood.
You looks confused, cuz.
This ain't a fucking quiz show Deal Or No Deal? Deal! No Deal! I swear that's my man, innit? Course it is, the eyes are a dead give away.
Allow this.
Ian, innit? It's Little Ian Berry.
Look at him all grown up.
I ain't see this boy since he was in Huggies, you know! How they know your details? Shut up, man.
I'm not Ian Berry, blood.
Man is a badman, yeah? Ian, you ain't no bad man, yeah, you still live with your nan.
That's not my nan, bruv, that's my mum, yeah.
What, your mum's 75? My mum's not 75, she's a mature-looking 50, yeah.
And she's still my mum, you bitch.
You have to admit, she is more like a nan than mum, innit? Police please.
Nah, nah, nah, nah, Janine, lower it, we know this boy, we went to school with his brother, Trevor.
You know Trevor? Trevor Trevor.
Oh, hello! They've got the same eyes.
Haven't you got lovely eyes.
This is a hoax.
Grrrr Fuck his eyes, man, just shut up and give us the money.
Is your hand cold, bruv? Ooh, where's it gone? There ain't no gatt in the hat, fam.
Right, Little Britain, here's a pound, fuck off to Greggs.
And you, Berry Boy, come with me.
We're going to have a chat.
Hey man, what you slap me for? Hey, stay strong, fam! I'm sorry about all that nonsense and foolishness.
I was just wondering whether you could maybe give me one more pound, you know, because steak bake gets stuck in your teeth and you need a drink to wash it down or something, so Right, and get me a black grape, yeah? Oh, you'd like something as well? Because I'm going to need an extra pound or something, you know, prices Blah blah blah Just fuck off, bruv.
All right, then I'll pick up a Snickers Duo or something.
Do one! Woah.
That was all a bit high wire for a Wednesday.
Look, Lance was right, people think this shop's losing it without Little Gary.
They think they can take the piss.
Frittata on the window? Yeah, and I swear down someone done a human shit in the delivery bay.
And Dawn Louise Kelly from marketing keeps referring to us as the Slutton Branch.
Evil Whore.
You know, Michael Chew out of Maplins said that Fat Sara out of Clintons told Warehouse Lee out of River Island that she'd heard out of our Head Office that we was getting a security guard.
Mmm.
The buzzards are circling.
Somewhere in a bedsit not far from here, an overweight, underqualified man is packing a PVC holdall, couple of nudie mags, flask of Big Soup, and when he gets here actually that's the end for all of us.
Why you looking so comfy? Go back to your area, innit? Bounce! I'm taking that.
Fam, what the eff you doin'? You going to get yourself in trouble, you know.
You can't contain this.
Look, I'm a force of nature.
You ain't a force of nature, you're a fuckin' idiot.
Look, I'm trying to help you.
I don't hear you listening to me.
Why should I listen to Shopman, huh? I mean what, Mr Ten Grand A Year? Look, I'll be celebrating with champs and weed, while you're on Birds Eye and Tango, wanking to the Five O'clock Show.
Yeah, that's right! I said it! What? It was me.
Huh? Get in the cage.
What? Get in the fucking cage.
Would you like a leaflet for PhoneShop? You're an idiot, mate.
You can get your face painted.
I'm still a badman, y'know.
And you don't tell nobody that you seen me like this, right? Yeah, yeah, Nan don't need to know, yeah? I told you, yeah, that's not my nan, bruv that's my mum! Boss, hey boss, don't turn out the light, yeah? I got asthma, innit? Look man, you can't contain me, bruv.
And you know I'm going to break out of here anyway, man, you dickhead! Bear Man coming down here for you, you pussy.
Yeah, that's right, what? Huh? Huh? What have you done with the youth then? I had to think like Little Gary.
I caged him.
Oh, cage! Cage is back.
I had no option.
I had to manage the youth.
I don't really miss Little Gary.
Not one bit, trust me.
Hey, hey, Gary, go on, take the piss out of my receding hair line now, innit? Sorry, bruv, can't hear you from D Wing.
Go on then, shoot me with your crossbow through your tiny prison window, you chief.
Hello, I'm Gary and I'm an arsehole.
You little prick.
Hello, PhoneShop Sutton, Jerwayne speaking, how's your day today please? Oh, hello, Gary! You! Don't do impressions! No! How are you? How's prison? Is who here yet? A security guard? Nah, nah, we ain't had nothing from head office.
Don't worry about it, trust me.
Me and Ash've got this place on lock.
Yeah, but me and Ash Well, if you just listen to Tell him.
OK, Gary.
Yes.
Nah nah, it's Yes.
It's Yes.
Look, it's Yeah, no-one's taking the Bruvs, bruvs.
Hello? Hello? Security guard coming down here.
Watching us, man.
Overseeing us.
Lance'll go mad.
Oh, we can't let him see that, it's We're losing respect.
Man can't have that.
Man's got a rep to maintain, yeah? This is messed up.
What we going to do? I tell you what we're going to do.
We are going to start with you two manning the fuck up.
We lock this shit down.
We pack out the shop today and we send a message to the rest of the high street that we are still ever so much in business and then we win this competition.
And we are going to show PhoneShop Group that we are still every teensy bit as dynamic and effective as when Little Gary was here.
Understand? OK.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You know where we're going? Where are we going? Oh! We're going to that place! We're going to that place.
Hello, Christopher.
How's it going? It's horrible.
I just got called a lotion man by a five-year-old.
I don't even know what a lotion man is.
Might be nice.
Probably isn't.
What you've got to remember is, most of these kids have never seen a bear before.
They attack what they don't know.
Desperate times, eh Lance? Having to rely on the mascot? Uh-uhhhhh! Fuck off, Sandra.
Arsehole.
Ah, we're going to that place are we, gentlemen? Well done.
It's a little ritual we have, a tie straightener, a little helping hand when we need to smash the target.
Dig in, bruv.
These must have cost you a fortune.
Perks of the job, Numes, trust me, listen.
I ain't bought a hot beverage on this high street since Fern Britton had belly.
Really? You know when you buy a coffee, and they give you a loyalty card? Yeah.
And when you got eight stamps on that card, you get a free coffee? Oh, so we must have loads of completed cards? No, blood.
We got the stamp.
OK, what we're working with today is under the counter quad shot ristretto.
This shit right here, banned in Milan, it killed a priest.
It's heavy blood.
Right, here we go! Not yet! Usual terms and conditions.
Anything said or done under the influence of this doesn't count.
Agreed? Agreed! Uh uh uh.
Christopher, this might get a bit bumpy, you all right with that? Yeah.
Right.
Three, two, one, let's go! Let's do it! Let's sell some fucking phones! Come on! Come on! Stop throwing food at me.
Ow! That's what happens if you don't do well at school.
Stop How's it going, Chris? Horrible.
You doing well? No.
I'm not.
It looks like you're doing well.
Everyone's circling, kicking and punching me, shouting, "Teddy Fuckspin!" What's wrong with these people? These people don't respect the bear.
They don't respect the costume and they don't respect the bear.
You need to man up, Christopher.
Yeah? Man up.
If they smell a scared bear they'll take you to the woods and shit all over you.
I've seen it.
Eugh.
Where? Holiday in Magaluf.
Don't go there again.
Go on, get out there.
I don't want please don't.
Go on.
Go on.
Don't make me do it.
Go on.
They'll punch me.
I don't want to Go! GOK, I'm going.
Hello.
Hello.
I'm Barry from Trident Sec Why don't we go and find somewhere for that heavy bag? Just wait here, yeah? All right, mate? All right, yeah, I'm Barry from Trident Sec Hey! A Scouser? Nice one! Let's get you cup of mantunna and a nice jam buttie! Stop it! Yeah, I've seen a lot of heavy shit go down.
It's all part of the job, really.
People like to take the mick out of us guys, saying we're fat, stupid, shithouses that couldn't make it as firemen.
Listen, anyone can sit around reading porn and drinking tea all day.
And don't get me wrong that's a big part of our job, too.
But we are every bit, if not more, essential to the well-being of society as those snooker-playing pricks.
Janine, I need a shit! Not now Lance, I'm with a customer.
I'm bursting.
No! Oh, I'll use the toilet.
That's not the gaffer is it? I should be on the shop floor by now.
Sorry! If I didn't know better, I'd say you did that on purpose, little lady.
Yeah, I did, yeah.
I'm sure we can get that cleaned up for you.
Really? Mmm hmmm.
I think we both know where this is heading.
Do we? Welcome to the gun show! Urghhhhh.
What do you think of these? Infected? Would you like a tour of the basement? Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting? Because if you are, I'd be more than happy to, m'lady.
Great.
Oh, and uh shaved.
Ooh Thanks very much.
Thanks, thanks.
Christopher! Put your fucking helmet back on! You're breaking the magic.
Magic? Look at me! Does this look like magic to you? Is this magic? Never, ever mock the mascot! Helmet! Helmet! Helmet! Helmet! Oh, shit.
Oh, boy, I used to read about shit like this when I was on nights.
And now, I'm living it.
Thank you Fiesta! Right, a bit of quiet, please.
Face painting lady's here.
She's over there in the corner.
Your face, paints, one arm Two face painters with one arm should have booked both of them.
Right, who wants their face painted? Come on! You do! Ah, you miserable bastards.
She's come up from Kent for this! In an automatic.
Ah, fucking hell.
This is unbelievable.
Can't believe I'm getting paid for this.
She's probably gone off to get a bag of dildos or something.
So who do you work for, shop security or mobile with dogs? Ah, mystery shopper.
What soup you got? Ashley, Jerwayne.
Have you had your faces painted? What are you talking about? I thought not.
As your manager I order you to have your faces painted.
Dizzy.
Stop that.
Right.
Fuck the lot of you.
Fuck all of you.
Fuck you.
Not you, sorry, Val.
OK, I'll have it done, then you'll be jealous.
Yeah, I'll have a monkey here and a lighthouse here.
You'll be saying, "I wish I looked like Lance.
" You two have let me down.
Val, achtung! Val, run! Run, Val.
This might get a little uncomfortable.
Dressed as a prick.
Respect the bear, don't respect the bear.
Dressed as a prick.
They'll shit all over you.
Come on, young'un, let the Topshop lads go.
Don't try to be a hero.
Piss off, you fuck nugget.
Oh, really? Come on then, you old tosser.
You want it, do you? Where do you want it? There! Come back, you shit! There! Respect the bear! Dude! Hang in there, bruv.
Everything's going to be all right, Christopher, OK? Sorry! Sorry.
I did I did good, didn't I, guys? It's all right, noobs, we got you, yeah? We got you now.
We're going to look after you, bruv.
Les, man, I thought you was on parole? Yeah, Iamon parole, but I didn't know he was one of yours, did I? He's dressed up like a fucking nonce.
Guys, guys, guys, guys Look, I'm sorry.
It ain't really, is it, hey? Try and put the nose back on.
What's the matter with you, then?! Respect the bear.
Respect the bear.
You're OK, fam, yeah? Got to get you back to the shop.
You need to rest, innit.
I'm fine Just leave I've spoken to the bear and he's fine Yeah! Still a new man, blud.
So to solve your problem, I'd say this is definitely the best phone for you.
Laters, woman.
Is the manager about? He's upstairs.
We've had some reports of an assault involving a bear.
That's ridiculous, officer.
What you been smoking? Cheaps! Are you the manager? No.
Well, then I suggest that you run along and get him for me, son.
OK.
One, I ain't your son.
Lance, the police are here.
Two, just so you know, I pay both your wages.
And three, what? Is this about the hoax call earlier, because there wasn't one and it wasn't me.
But I think you do a brilliant job under very trying circumstances.
Am I too tall to be a special? I am so sorry.
What seems to be the problem, officers? Just mind your step there.
And last of all, the stock room.
Oh, this just gets better and better.
Come on in, lads, and join the party.
I've got a bottle of poppers in me bag.
I should be in there really, chewing a bit of bamboo.
Just trying to lighten the mood.
200 for you.
Yes, Lance.
200 for you.
Blessed.
Thank you.
200 for you.
Well done.
200 for our street fighter.
Wow, 200 quid! Uh-da-da-da-da-da.
200 for the Topshop lads.
200 for the security guard.
200 for Mr Berry.
200 for our brave boys in blue.
Hey, bruv, we smashed that target, innit? You'll still get the commission.
Shit, it's Little Gary.
Hello? Hello, Gary.
Yeah, how are you? Yeah? Really? Is that what they're saying? OK, yeah, thank you, Gary.
Thank you.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Bye.
What's he saying? PhoneShop Sutton is once again the most feared shop on the High Street, thanks entirely to the Bearman! Christopher, never ever mock the mascot.
Respect the bear.
Indeed.
Bearman.
Bad man.
Feels nice, doesn't it? Yeah, when they let you do it.
All right, Sandra? Fuck off, Lance.
MemoryOnSmells