PhoneShop (2009) s01e05 Episode Script
Salesman of the Month
Tea? Are you making it? Yeah.
Nah, we're good, see.
No, I'm good, bruv.
Lance, man, your back! What? Nothing.
You got "slut" written on your back, blud.
Have I? That's Shelley's writing, ain't it? Yeah.
It's her latest thing.
She's covered me in swearwords, she saw it on Sex And The City.
Bruv! Lance's girl getting busy with the Sharpie, innit? It's not funny.
That's indelible ink, I can't get it off.
Come on now, bruv! You should see what she wrote on my arse.
Whoa! Just tell us.
"No hole barred.
" Oh, man.
That's what I'm living with.
I'm scared to go home, to be honest.
She hid in the loft last night, I thought we had burglars.
She dropped down, completely naked apart from the strap-on.
Snap! It's like living with a dirty Cato.
What's she doing all that for? Oh, she'll want something.
It's what she always does.
She bombards me with sex until I give in.
You know when we got the conservatory done? Yeah.
Three weeks of 69s.
Every single night.
In the living room.
I had to see a specialist after that.
What, because of your neck? No, the chafing on my nose.
I lost two layers.
OK, guys, it's two minutes till the morning meeting, so pens and paper, please.
I'll be giving notes you'll want to take.
It keeps her happy.
Oh, God! Bullet point 14.
I will need them typed up, OK? What font are you using? Probably just the normal.
Comic Sans 12 point, please.
It's informative and fun, like a clown with a thesaurus.
Now, order forms.
If they are not countersigned, the order won't be processed, OK? They need to be signed front and back, so let's all repeat after Janine, that is Front and back.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Janine, what's that ring? That's called an engagement ring, Jerwayne.
So what, like, you're engaged? Almost.
It's either you're engaged or you ain't.
You're either straight or you're gay.
No, you can be bisexual.
Bisexual is gay.
Can I just say that I've been, you know, and I'm not gay.
I'm just saying! And can I just say minute this, Christopher that I am deeply in love with an incredible man who has changed my life, my outlook and my world, and for the first time in my life I am deliriously happy so Right, well, great meeting, Janine, well done.
OK, everyone take five for a fruit break.
All right? Brilliant.
Huh! So what about us? There is no us, Jerwayne.
Who's this man that's taking away my unborn children? His name is Don.
Is he high-street? No.
No, he's a businessman.
A real businessman.
He services a portfolio of at least 12 international blue-chip companies.
Blue chip? What does that even mean? You can't stand it, can you? Hmm? "Oh, look at Janine, look at what she's managed to do.
" What? Find a successful businessman that wants to make her his wife, mother to his children, the very same Janine they all laughed at.
Old Janine who's going to die alone and childless? Well, I won't I will die with a very successful 40-year-old businessman, and do you know what, Jerwayne? This is exactly what Don said you'd say.
What?! Janine, listen! Baby! Look, this is not the end, you know, this is just the beginning.
I am so proud of you.
There's not many people could have done what you did there.
Go and take a meeting for the first time, hold them like that.
I've got the best teacher.
Yes, you have.
Look at that chief.
He's putting me off my game today, you know.
Oh, my God, he's talking about me to her, innit? Look, look.
Don't look, don't look, don't look.
Look now, look now, look, look.
Numes, man, you're doing good this morning.
What's going on with you? Yeah! Front and back, front and back.
Better not be trying to take man's "salesman of the month" title.
God, no! Although this is my fifth sale of the morning.
Look at what this dickhead's doing now.
What, Don? Ah, he's great, isn't he? Really smart.
"Christopher, people don't buy products.
" "People buy people.
" Oh, my God.
I-I've never heard nothing like that before.
What about, "An objection is simply a" "A request for more information," that's one of his as well.
That's another one of not his, bruv! That's just standard motivational sales bullshit, Newman, from the Ladybird Book Of Selling.
Man's fraudulent, cuz, I can feel it.
I know I know this bredder from somewhere, I can't place it, but the guy looks so familiar.
Oh, my God, here we go, here we go, here we go.
Oh, my fucking days.
Hi, Shelley, how is your day today? How are you doing? You good? What have you done this morning? Er went gym, paid council tax online, plussed up at Mor What business you done? I done three and a upgrade.
I had two held from yesterday, so that's like three.
Three and a half, yeah.
Yeah, and I've just done five.
Bullshit! I've got the figures, Lance tells me everything.
You and you better pull it out! Because looking this good does not come cheap.
You don't want me coming in here looking rough, do you? Shel, you could never look rough, innit? You're a princess, you know that.
What's that? Oh.
Hiya, I'm Christopher.
Is it? You old enough to drive, Christopher? Yes.
Park that.
She's rude.
Black X5 parked in the disabled, "Powered by fairy dust" sticker on the back.
Do not move the seat.
Lance, just so you know, Shelley's on her way up to you.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Thank you for that, Brian.
Very kind of you.
Hello, Lance.
Shelley.
I've got something for you.
Have you? Is that bigger? Just wider.
Namaste.
Likewise.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
It's just it's quite It's quite intense sometimes.
Well that's basically it.
Phew! It's all about honouring the goddess within, Janine.
Any sign of that water? Oh.
Stop! Wait, Jesus.
Please don't move.
No Shh What's the game, bruv? I ain't got no game, friend.
Games are for players, and that's not my style.
Hmm! You know what I see here? I see a poorly cut blazer, a Clarkson jean and pointed brogue combination, all finished off with a dandruff epaulette.
Tshh! She don't see it but I do.
You ain't no businessman.
What kind of business you in? I got you there, innit, you chief? If I might, erm posita suggestion, chief why don't you do yourself a favour and keep your nose out of my business? That way, it won't end up being cut off and shoved up your fucking ass.
Know what? Take your hand off me, yeah? Hey! Sweetheart! Jermaine and myself were just having the most fantastic conversation, weren't we, Jermaine? Oh, this this guy You're funny, you know.
No, you're funny.
No.
You're funny.
No! You're funny.
No, you're funny.
You're both very funny.
I knew you two would get on.
I was concerned that there might be some sort of grrr.
What? Between us?! Yeah.
Never that! Never! Never.
That's ridiculous! This is great, we could all hang out.
Why don't we do Come Dine with Me at my flat? Do you ever stop having great ideas? Shut up.
Yeah shut up.
No, you shut up.
No, you shut up.
Jermaine Janine and I are going to pop upstairs for a spot of lunch.
I've baked an organic lasagna.
Can you believe it? Why don't you keep an eye on pay-as-you-go while we're gone, mmm? Fucking pussy.
I'll fuck someone up.
Yesterday's paper? That's why man could do crossword so easily.
Man's a fraud.
Organic lasagne? Man's a Findus man, believe.
Oh.
I ain't feeling it.
You have it, you have it.
Go, go, go, go.
You and Ash should grab some lunch.
I'll cover.
With Shelley upstairs it's safer down here.
She's refusing to leave until it all gets sorted out in the old Down there.
I thought it was just night-time.
Now it's happening during the day.
Thumping prostate.
No pride.
It's humiliating.
Christ almighty.
It's an exit, not an entrance.
Well, in my book it is.
You go to lunch.
Go on, hop it.
Tell you what, man needs that rice and pea power today, boy.
Gonna steal that Little Gary P Salesman of the Month crown, innit? I'm not feeling the walk.
I got to stay here and fix things up with Janine, innit? Tell me one man that ever fixed up on a empty belly.
Ghandi.
Not like you, bruv.
Come on.
Don't make me do it.
Don't make me do it! Right, take them hearing aids out.
Take them out.
Both of them.
I love you! Fuck off, idiot.
Come on.
Hey, hey.
And I pretended to do a shit, you laughed, and now we're cool.
Newman, let's go.
I'm with a cust You go to lunch.
Oh, thanks.
She's pay as you go.
Oh.
Oi, don't watch that.
All right, then.
You know I taste better than milkshake, innit? I do, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, man's been on the pineapple ting, innit? Trust me.
All right, we need to get in to some like reciproc What? Thank you, Jesus! Tell me I'm seeing what I think I'm seeing.
Don! It's Don! Shhhhhh! What's he doing? That's not blue Is that what blue chip is? I knew I knew that guy, fam.
I've seen him at the shop.
He's always there like six in the morning.
Seriously? Come in, grab his business, leave.
Always whistling.
What days he come in? Er, Tuesday, Wednesday, Femi Night shift Hannah! Thursday.
Thursday? That's tomorrow.
For me that's good.
Come, patties on me.
Sybs.
Three patties, one for yourself four.
I am the King.
I am the King.
I am the King? I am the King! Yes.
No, that's brilliant advice, Don.
Thank you very much.
Good luck with the meeting.
You stick it to 'em.
Hey! Sorry.
Yup.
All right, bye.
Bye, Don.
Bye.
Ah, he's an incredible man, isn't he? Yeah.
Like Mandela in a blazer.
Ah, he's told me exactly what to do with Shelley.
Must be another picture message from her.
Oh Look at that.
No, don't.
Ooohhh That's going to go rusty now.
What are you going to do, then, Lance? I'm not going to stir my tea with that any more.
Look what she's done to my mouse mat! That's a Top Gear mouse mat! That's enough, Janine.
This king is in exile no longer and he's returning to take his throne! Go and have a word with her upstairs.
See, to me and you, yeah, this Don thing ain't a thing.
What man does ain't what man is.
I had a girlfriend Bruv, lower it, lower it.
I'm philosophising.
To me and you, all man are equal.
Trouble is, not all man have that enlightened view, innit? See Jerwayne.
My man won't consider dating anyone on less than 15k a year.
And Janine.
Boy, she's so snob, she even takes her own cutlery to McDonald's, fam.
It's not good, is it? Nah.
I've seen Jerwayne like this before, you know.
Right now he's got that vulnerable shoe bomber mentality.
He's going to go in hard, take every fucker out, including himself.
Nah, man.
Certain boy better get busy with the digits, innit? What? Make some phone calls.
Oh, a phone call.
Listen, Janine, I just wanted to say that I was very intrigued by your sales meeting this morning.
There were a couple of things that was very intriguing to me.
And I'd very much like to know more about those things that was intriguing, as I think they could prove to be very compelling.
OK.
We can go through them now if you want.
What about tomorrow morning? OK.
After the sales meeting? Before work? I am impressed.
It's the new me.
We could get in half an hour early.
Say half eight? What about six o'clock? That's early.
It's the new me.
Only take half an hour.
I'm a slow learner.
No, you're not.
You know how long it took me to learn my nine times table? No.
Four years.
You know how long it took me to learn my 12 times table? No.
I still don't know it.
Friends? Friends.
So I'll see you tomorrow about six? This has got to stop! Oh, shut up.
You love it! I do not love it! Yes, you do.
You treat me like a sex object.
When have I ever treated you like a sex object? New Year's Eve! Who was up till five in the morning with half a bag of Minstrels stuck up his arse, waiting for them to melt? How many times do I have to tell you, there was no Maltesers in the selection box! Now, choose a safe word.
No! I can't take it any more.
I give in.
What do you want? And so, Shelley and I are very pleased and excited to announce that we'll be renewing our wedding vows on the 14th.
The 14th I think I'm busy that evening.
Is that a Saturday, like, because I think? It's all right.
Shelley doesn't want you there.
Why not? On to business.
The final votes are in and we're about to find out who's going to make it on to the wall of fame! Stand by your beds.
By the way, Christopher, the reason Janine's not involved in this is not because she's a woman.
The company's come a long way since 2008.
It's because she's just pay as you go.
Right? So, in third place i-i-i-i-is It's not you! I-i-i-i-i-i-is Fuck off, Tarrant! Just tell us who's won, innit? I-i-i-it's Christopher! Yes! Well done, Christopher.
Thank you.
First month.
Well done.
Good boy.
Fantastic work.
Right.
Now, in second place and this is very interesting because there are only three orders separating first and second.
In second place i-i-i-i-i-i-is It's you.
Seriously, Lance, come on! I-i-i-i-i-i-it's Hello, Gary.
Yeah.
Just doing it now, yeah! Got them all lined up here.
Not the same without you.
Not as tense.
Sorry.
Yes.
I'll have a look.
Yeah, it's much bigger.
Yeah, still in the same house, yeah.
Still got the same old patio doors, yeah.
Why's that? Yes.
No, you've made your point, yeah.
All right, I understand.
Thanks very much.
Bye.
Uh Gary's salesman of the month! Who'd have thought that? I've got to get on.
Who did this? That's very childish.
You've just drawn cocks coming out of my thumbs.
I'm not looking forward to it, to be honest.
It's going to cost a fortune.
I think a vow renewal's a lovely idea, Lance.
Who's doing your catering? Well, according to Shelley, Gordon Ramsey.
According to me, Iceland.
You should come here.
It's brilliant.
How come we've never been here before? One-fifty! Change of scene does you good, innit? Oh, Janine, ain't that your man? It's Don! Donny.
Don! Donny! Don! Donny! Don! Donny! Donny! Don! Ah he's gone.
That's not blue chip.
This is you, innit? Don't know what you're talking about, your honour.
It's a complete coincidence.
Like a little white Uno, in a little French tunnel.
This way, bruv, you're clean as a whistle.
Ain't no shit on you.
Just two guys coching, sipping on the yak.
How elegant.
Cheers! Cheers! Ashley, give us a go with that pork scratching.
Mmm.
I can't believe you did this, Don.
I can't believe you lied to me.
All right.
Maybe I did mislead you.
Maybe I did pretend to be something I'm not, but I've got my reasons.
Look Janine, I know what people think of me of this job.
I see the way they look at me as I walk past them in the street.
"What kind of man does a job like that?" I'm a victim of misogyny, Janine! I see the look in their eyes as I wander through their bars and clubs.
That mixture of disgust and pity.
I didn't think I could bear to see it in your eyes.
Don't let me see it in your eyes, Janine.
Stop it, Don.
OK.
No more lies.
Yeah, yeah, yeah no more lies.
Hey, I've got something to show you.
Come here.
No! Come on! It's just around the corner, you'll love it.
You'll love it! Janine I like it.
I am launching a hostile takeover for you.
Oh Be my bride.
What the fuck is that? Are you already engaged? Almost.
Sorry, Don.
I Oh.
No! Sorry.
Oh, fuck it.
MemoryOnSmells
Nah, we're good, see.
No, I'm good, bruv.
Lance, man, your back! What? Nothing.
You got "slut" written on your back, blud.
Have I? That's Shelley's writing, ain't it? Yeah.
It's her latest thing.
She's covered me in swearwords, she saw it on Sex And The City.
Bruv! Lance's girl getting busy with the Sharpie, innit? It's not funny.
That's indelible ink, I can't get it off.
Come on now, bruv! You should see what she wrote on my arse.
Whoa! Just tell us.
"No hole barred.
" Oh, man.
That's what I'm living with.
I'm scared to go home, to be honest.
She hid in the loft last night, I thought we had burglars.
She dropped down, completely naked apart from the strap-on.
Snap! It's like living with a dirty Cato.
What's she doing all that for? Oh, she'll want something.
It's what she always does.
She bombards me with sex until I give in.
You know when we got the conservatory done? Yeah.
Three weeks of 69s.
Every single night.
In the living room.
I had to see a specialist after that.
What, because of your neck? No, the chafing on my nose.
I lost two layers.
OK, guys, it's two minutes till the morning meeting, so pens and paper, please.
I'll be giving notes you'll want to take.
It keeps her happy.
Oh, God! Bullet point 14.
I will need them typed up, OK? What font are you using? Probably just the normal.
Comic Sans 12 point, please.
It's informative and fun, like a clown with a thesaurus.
Now, order forms.
If they are not countersigned, the order won't be processed, OK? They need to be signed front and back, so let's all repeat after Janine, that is Front and back.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Janine, what's that ring? That's called an engagement ring, Jerwayne.
So what, like, you're engaged? Almost.
It's either you're engaged or you ain't.
You're either straight or you're gay.
No, you can be bisexual.
Bisexual is gay.
Can I just say that I've been, you know, and I'm not gay.
I'm just saying! And can I just say minute this, Christopher that I am deeply in love with an incredible man who has changed my life, my outlook and my world, and for the first time in my life I am deliriously happy so Right, well, great meeting, Janine, well done.
OK, everyone take five for a fruit break.
All right? Brilliant.
Huh! So what about us? There is no us, Jerwayne.
Who's this man that's taking away my unborn children? His name is Don.
Is he high-street? No.
No, he's a businessman.
A real businessman.
He services a portfolio of at least 12 international blue-chip companies.
Blue chip? What does that even mean? You can't stand it, can you? Hmm? "Oh, look at Janine, look at what she's managed to do.
" What? Find a successful businessman that wants to make her his wife, mother to his children, the very same Janine they all laughed at.
Old Janine who's going to die alone and childless? Well, I won't I will die with a very successful 40-year-old businessman, and do you know what, Jerwayne? This is exactly what Don said you'd say.
What?! Janine, listen! Baby! Look, this is not the end, you know, this is just the beginning.
I am so proud of you.
There's not many people could have done what you did there.
Go and take a meeting for the first time, hold them like that.
I've got the best teacher.
Yes, you have.
Look at that chief.
He's putting me off my game today, you know.
Oh, my God, he's talking about me to her, innit? Look, look.
Don't look, don't look, don't look.
Look now, look now, look, look.
Numes, man, you're doing good this morning.
What's going on with you? Yeah! Front and back, front and back.
Better not be trying to take man's "salesman of the month" title.
God, no! Although this is my fifth sale of the morning.
Look at what this dickhead's doing now.
What, Don? Ah, he's great, isn't he? Really smart.
"Christopher, people don't buy products.
" "People buy people.
" Oh, my God.
I-I've never heard nothing like that before.
What about, "An objection is simply a" "A request for more information," that's one of his as well.
That's another one of not his, bruv! That's just standard motivational sales bullshit, Newman, from the Ladybird Book Of Selling.
Man's fraudulent, cuz, I can feel it.
I know I know this bredder from somewhere, I can't place it, but the guy looks so familiar.
Oh, my God, here we go, here we go, here we go.
Oh, my fucking days.
Hi, Shelley, how is your day today? How are you doing? You good? What have you done this morning? Er went gym, paid council tax online, plussed up at Mor What business you done? I done three and a upgrade.
I had two held from yesterday, so that's like three.
Three and a half, yeah.
Yeah, and I've just done five.
Bullshit! I've got the figures, Lance tells me everything.
You and you better pull it out! Because looking this good does not come cheap.
You don't want me coming in here looking rough, do you? Shel, you could never look rough, innit? You're a princess, you know that.
What's that? Oh.
Hiya, I'm Christopher.
Is it? You old enough to drive, Christopher? Yes.
Park that.
She's rude.
Black X5 parked in the disabled, "Powered by fairy dust" sticker on the back.
Do not move the seat.
Lance, just so you know, Shelley's on her way up to you.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Thank you for that, Brian.
Very kind of you.
Hello, Lance.
Shelley.
I've got something for you.
Have you? Is that bigger? Just wider.
Namaste.
Likewise.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
It's just it's quite It's quite intense sometimes.
Well that's basically it.
Phew! It's all about honouring the goddess within, Janine.
Any sign of that water? Oh.
Stop! Wait, Jesus.
Please don't move.
No Shh What's the game, bruv? I ain't got no game, friend.
Games are for players, and that's not my style.
Hmm! You know what I see here? I see a poorly cut blazer, a Clarkson jean and pointed brogue combination, all finished off with a dandruff epaulette.
Tshh! She don't see it but I do.
You ain't no businessman.
What kind of business you in? I got you there, innit, you chief? If I might, erm posita suggestion, chief why don't you do yourself a favour and keep your nose out of my business? That way, it won't end up being cut off and shoved up your fucking ass.
Know what? Take your hand off me, yeah? Hey! Sweetheart! Jermaine and myself were just having the most fantastic conversation, weren't we, Jermaine? Oh, this this guy You're funny, you know.
No, you're funny.
No.
You're funny.
No! You're funny.
No, you're funny.
You're both very funny.
I knew you two would get on.
I was concerned that there might be some sort of grrr.
What? Between us?! Yeah.
Never that! Never! Never.
That's ridiculous! This is great, we could all hang out.
Why don't we do Come Dine with Me at my flat? Do you ever stop having great ideas? Shut up.
Yeah shut up.
No, you shut up.
No, you shut up.
Jermaine Janine and I are going to pop upstairs for a spot of lunch.
I've baked an organic lasagna.
Can you believe it? Why don't you keep an eye on pay-as-you-go while we're gone, mmm? Fucking pussy.
I'll fuck someone up.
Yesterday's paper? That's why man could do crossword so easily.
Man's a fraud.
Organic lasagne? Man's a Findus man, believe.
Oh.
I ain't feeling it.
You have it, you have it.
Go, go, go, go.
You and Ash should grab some lunch.
I'll cover.
With Shelley upstairs it's safer down here.
She's refusing to leave until it all gets sorted out in the old Down there.
I thought it was just night-time.
Now it's happening during the day.
Thumping prostate.
No pride.
It's humiliating.
Christ almighty.
It's an exit, not an entrance.
Well, in my book it is.
You go to lunch.
Go on, hop it.
Tell you what, man needs that rice and pea power today, boy.
Gonna steal that Little Gary P Salesman of the Month crown, innit? I'm not feeling the walk.
I got to stay here and fix things up with Janine, innit? Tell me one man that ever fixed up on a empty belly.
Ghandi.
Not like you, bruv.
Come on.
Don't make me do it.
Don't make me do it! Right, take them hearing aids out.
Take them out.
Both of them.
I love you! Fuck off, idiot.
Come on.
Hey, hey.
And I pretended to do a shit, you laughed, and now we're cool.
Newman, let's go.
I'm with a cust You go to lunch.
Oh, thanks.
She's pay as you go.
Oh.
Oi, don't watch that.
All right, then.
You know I taste better than milkshake, innit? I do, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, man's been on the pineapple ting, innit? Trust me.
All right, we need to get in to some like reciproc What? Thank you, Jesus! Tell me I'm seeing what I think I'm seeing.
Don! It's Don! Shhhhhh! What's he doing? That's not blue Is that what blue chip is? I knew I knew that guy, fam.
I've seen him at the shop.
He's always there like six in the morning.
Seriously? Come in, grab his business, leave.
Always whistling.
What days he come in? Er, Tuesday, Wednesday, Femi Night shift Hannah! Thursday.
Thursday? That's tomorrow.
For me that's good.
Come, patties on me.
Sybs.
Three patties, one for yourself four.
I am the King.
I am the King.
I am the King? I am the King! Yes.
No, that's brilliant advice, Don.
Thank you very much.
Good luck with the meeting.
You stick it to 'em.
Hey! Sorry.
Yup.
All right, bye.
Bye, Don.
Bye.
Ah, he's an incredible man, isn't he? Yeah.
Like Mandela in a blazer.
Ah, he's told me exactly what to do with Shelley.
Must be another picture message from her.
Oh Look at that.
No, don't.
Ooohhh That's going to go rusty now.
What are you going to do, then, Lance? I'm not going to stir my tea with that any more.
Look what she's done to my mouse mat! That's a Top Gear mouse mat! That's enough, Janine.
This king is in exile no longer and he's returning to take his throne! Go and have a word with her upstairs.
See, to me and you, yeah, this Don thing ain't a thing.
What man does ain't what man is.
I had a girlfriend Bruv, lower it, lower it.
I'm philosophising.
To me and you, all man are equal.
Trouble is, not all man have that enlightened view, innit? See Jerwayne.
My man won't consider dating anyone on less than 15k a year.
And Janine.
Boy, she's so snob, she even takes her own cutlery to McDonald's, fam.
It's not good, is it? Nah.
I've seen Jerwayne like this before, you know.
Right now he's got that vulnerable shoe bomber mentality.
He's going to go in hard, take every fucker out, including himself.
Nah, man.
Certain boy better get busy with the digits, innit? What? Make some phone calls.
Oh, a phone call.
Listen, Janine, I just wanted to say that I was very intrigued by your sales meeting this morning.
There were a couple of things that was very intriguing to me.
And I'd very much like to know more about those things that was intriguing, as I think they could prove to be very compelling.
OK.
We can go through them now if you want.
What about tomorrow morning? OK.
After the sales meeting? Before work? I am impressed.
It's the new me.
We could get in half an hour early.
Say half eight? What about six o'clock? That's early.
It's the new me.
Only take half an hour.
I'm a slow learner.
No, you're not.
You know how long it took me to learn my nine times table? No.
Four years.
You know how long it took me to learn my 12 times table? No.
I still don't know it.
Friends? Friends.
So I'll see you tomorrow about six? This has got to stop! Oh, shut up.
You love it! I do not love it! Yes, you do.
You treat me like a sex object.
When have I ever treated you like a sex object? New Year's Eve! Who was up till five in the morning with half a bag of Minstrels stuck up his arse, waiting for them to melt? How many times do I have to tell you, there was no Maltesers in the selection box! Now, choose a safe word.
No! I can't take it any more.
I give in.
What do you want? And so, Shelley and I are very pleased and excited to announce that we'll be renewing our wedding vows on the 14th.
The 14th I think I'm busy that evening.
Is that a Saturday, like, because I think? It's all right.
Shelley doesn't want you there.
Why not? On to business.
The final votes are in and we're about to find out who's going to make it on to the wall of fame! Stand by your beds.
By the way, Christopher, the reason Janine's not involved in this is not because she's a woman.
The company's come a long way since 2008.
It's because she's just pay as you go.
Right? So, in third place i-i-i-i-is It's not you! I-i-i-i-i-i-is Fuck off, Tarrant! Just tell us who's won, innit? I-i-i-it's Christopher! Yes! Well done, Christopher.
Thank you.
First month.
Well done.
Good boy.
Fantastic work.
Right.
Now, in second place and this is very interesting because there are only three orders separating first and second.
In second place i-i-i-i-i-i-is It's you.
Seriously, Lance, come on! I-i-i-i-i-i-it's Hello, Gary.
Yeah.
Just doing it now, yeah! Got them all lined up here.
Not the same without you.
Not as tense.
Sorry.
Yes.
I'll have a look.
Yeah, it's much bigger.
Yeah, still in the same house, yeah.
Still got the same old patio doors, yeah.
Why's that? Yes.
No, you've made your point, yeah.
All right, I understand.
Thanks very much.
Bye.
Uh Gary's salesman of the month! Who'd have thought that? I've got to get on.
Who did this? That's very childish.
You've just drawn cocks coming out of my thumbs.
I'm not looking forward to it, to be honest.
It's going to cost a fortune.
I think a vow renewal's a lovely idea, Lance.
Who's doing your catering? Well, according to Shelley, Gordon Ramsey.
According to me, Iceland.
You should come here.
It's brilliant.
How come we've never been here before? One-fifty! Change of scene does you good, innit? Oh, Janine, ain't that your man? It's Don! Donny.
Don! Donny! Don! Donny! Don! Donny! Donny! Don! Ah he's gone.
That's not blue chip.
This is you, innit? Don't know what you're talking about, your honour.
It's a complete coincidence.
Like a little white Uno, in a little French tunnel.
This way, bruv, you're clean as a whistle.
Ain't no shit on you.
Just two guys coching, sipping on the yak.
How elegant.
Cheers! Cheers! Ashley, give us a go with that pork scratching.
Mmm.
I can't believe you did this, Don.
I can't believe you lied to me.
All right.
Maybe I did mislead you.
Maybe I did pretend to be something I'm not, but I've got my reasons.
Look Janine, I know what people think of me of this job.
I see the way they look at me as I walk past them in the street.
"What kind of man does a job like that?" I'm a victim of misogyny, Janine! I see the look in their eyes as I wander through their bars and clubs.
That mixture of disgust and pity.
I didn't think I could bear to see it in your eyes.
Don't let me see it in your eyes, Janine.
Stop it, Don.
OK.
No more lies.
Yeah, yeah, yeah no more lies.
Hey, I've got something to show you.
Come here.
No! Come on! It's just around the corner, you'll love it.
You'll love it! Janine I like it.
I am launching a hostile takeover for you.
Oh Be my bride.
What the fuck is that? Are you already engaged? Almost.
Sorry, Don.
I Oh.
No! Sorry.
Oh, fuck it.
MemoryOnSmells