PhoneShop (2009) s02e01 Episode Script
Lance Got Game
£20? £20 to last man a week? What's man buying with a 20? I'm on rations out here.
Man's operating on less money than Kerry Katona.
I'm going to have to take the Xbox back to Crack Converters.
For the shamefaced Payday Loan? Don't know.
Think you got problems with the cashflow, bruv? Check this out.
Oh, my days! Is that sandwiches? Shh, bruv! Man's on a value thing here, yeah? I'm tasting the difference in reverse.
I feel for you, Ash.
Men like Ashy Ash should be on a lunchtime salmon teriyaki rice bowl thing, standard.
Like, coarsely cut coriander, lime wedge.
You do know mine's a Wagamama, man, innit? Is, blud.
Mine's a Wagamama, man, every day.
Or M&S Simply Food on a slow day.
You want to go to the Simply game? Yes, bruv.
OK, I remember the days I used to pick up a spiced bun, pack of cashews and some Percy Pigs on my way to the till like it was nothing.
Vulgar! Like it was nothing, fam.
"You want a plastic bag for 5p?" "Yes, please, give me three and a Bag For Life to put them in.
" Eat my lunch, bin the lot.
Senseless waste! Get me.
We need to start making some extra curricular cash out here, fam.
We need to up our P game, you know? Got to get that cash moving, like, move that paper like origami.
Got to have some ideas, innit, really? We need to brainstorm that, you know.
Yeah, man.
Brainstorm.
Oi, oi! Brainstorm! You all right? Just get in, bruv.
What did I tell you about running? And you have to ask yourself, "Is this a good deal for me? "Do I deserve a better deal than the one I'm currently getting?" And the answer, ladies, is a resounding yes.
Yes, I do deserve better.
We have a laugh, Janine.
We hang.
Carol, we're the three most unpopular women on the High Street.
We don't hang, we cling.
We do fun stuff.
We go ice-skating.
We went ice-skating once and we had to leave after 10 minutes cos you had a premonition someone was going to get stabbed during the under-17s disco.
We go to Millie's Cookies and shout at the fat girls who work in Superdrug.
Carol, you work in Superdrug.
Girls, haven't you ever wanted more than this? I do! I want adventure, excitement, and, yes, glamour.
And now, I've got my chance.
I've been invited to a VIP Divorce Party at The Powder Room in Croydon.
Let me go.
Prepare the way, scout it out.
Yeah? I will come back for you.
I don't think we're ever going to see you again, Janine.
You probably won't, no.
It ain't all about Croydon, Carol.
It ain't all about Croydon.
Well, what are we going to do now, though? I'm in charge now, Carol.
Pin back your ears and listen to me.
Babies dressed as Roman soldiers delivering pizzas! Oooh, I've got a really good one.
A magazine for, like, upper class prostitutes called What-Ho? I was going to say that.
Can we try and keep it realistic, please? Don't inhibit the business vision.
It's a brainstorm.
Anything goes in a brainstorm.
Yes, but within reason.
What ain't within reason? Right, an energy drink for the rastas? Dread Bull gives you tings, fam.
Big idea! That's money in the bank.
That.
Spunk Invaders.
Say something.
A website called Hot Guys With Lazy Eyes.
Really? Boom! Money maker, bruv.
Trust me - niche product.
Niche! Ashley, Jerwayne.
Got any cash on you? That's a good idea.
Website, yeah? Niche.
I got, like, 20 quid to last me to the end of the week.
That'll do.
I'll sort you out later.
I've got to pay off the milkman.
Shelley's gone raggy.
Ragga? Oh, my God.
Bruv.
Help me out here.
Raggo.
Raggo? Thank you.
What was it again? Raggo.
Raggo? You sure? I've got to pay off the milkman, Shelley's gone raggo.
Raggo? Mental, Christopher! Yeah, Shelley got hold of him this morning.
Gave him a dig, bundled him into the pampas grass.
I don't know what's going on.
She's got that look in her eye, though.
Please tell me she ain't coming down here.
No, no, no, no.
She might do.
OK, you know the drill.
Check all exit and entrance points to the building are secure.
Shall I seal off the air conditioning vents? (ALL) Yes! Yeah, these are the sort of circles I'm moving in now, Christopher.
"Where you going tonight, Janine?" "Oh, I'm just going up Croydon for a VIP Divorce Party.
" "Cor, whose party is that?" "I don't know, I just get invited to these exclusive boutique events like I'm Claire Sweeney or the cast of Emmerdale.
" Uh-huh.
What is the matter with you? What? Oh, nothing.
I get it.
Mmmm.
Jealousy.
Janine's on the up, yeah.
Making headway out the retail swamp, getting invited to the other side of the VIP rope and certain people, they don't like that.
No, it's not that.
It's They're the people I've named the haters.
They've been odd all day.
I wouldn't have thought it of you, though, Christopher.
Not with your BA Honours and your middle-class family dog.
I haven't got a dog.
I don't want to go home.
Who fancies a drink? I'm meeting Wheelchair Dave in the Mariners.
We're bruk-pocket right now.
Come on.
Yeah, I gave him my last 20 quid.
Christopher? No, I think I'm just going to head home.
Batten down the old hatches.
No-one asked for peanuts! I asked for them! Now you ask for Student loan! Peanuts! Peanuts! That's how broke we are, bruv.
We'll open till ten, then.
Are you mad, bruv? Think man works in a kebab shop? Fuck off! It's all right, Leslie.
He's with us.
I'm with them.
All right, David.
Sorry, mate.
I thought he was a fucking nonce.
No, no It's quite obvious.
Shelley is displaying all of the classic symptoms of the midlife crisis.
I thought it was only men that had the midlife crisis.
Bruv, Shelley's got bigger balls than all of us, innit! Essentially, she is dissatisfied with Lance's current version of his masculinity.
She does not respect Lance as a man.
What? I believe that you need to man up, Lance.
Look at you, you're 70 per cent of a woman.
But Mr Wheelchair Dave, I know why they call you that, by the way.
Yes, it's cos I haven't got an arsehole.
You don't know no arsehole.
The fact The thing is The fact of the matter is Shelley's going to get us.
Every one of us.
With her big old fucking balls.
I guarantee, Christopher, that Shelley is not in the least bit interested in any of you.
Welcome to my VIP Divorce Party, Janine.
Shelley, I didn't think you was even married.
Free party, innit? Graduations, 21st, divorces, all get a free party.
I graduated twice last year.
Champagne? Ooh, Cava.
That's French for champagne.
Where's all the other VIPs? In the hot tub? Oh, no.
It's just me and you, Janine.
You want to make quick money these days, boys? Yeah.
Two words - es-corting.
No, no, no.
That ain't me.
I ain't going to that place.
What, like, hooking up with older men in arcades? Getting paid in tracksuit and trainers, woodland breaks in Rotterdam? Bun that.
He means escorting women, innit? Affirmative, Ashley.
Jerwayne, there's an incredible amount of lonely women out there who yearn for the well-groomed companionship of a real man.
OK.
Plus, you can earn up to £100 an hour.
Each.
I'll do it! I'll do it for £100.
I'm a nice guy, a good-looking fellow.
Hello, Nanny.
You all right? Fancy hooking up? You're a cheeky little monkey, aren't you? Come here.
You ticklish under there, you little sauce pot? Oooh, oooh, oooh, ooooh! Christopher, stop it! What's the matter with you? OK, OK.
Do you have to, you know, sex them? No.
Not every time.
I used to make quite a good living from it before I lost my arsehole.
Then, I went niche and it dried up.
Oh, well.
Basically, you split your clients into two groups.
The ladies that yearn for a bit of companionship and someone to talk to.
And then, the ladies who crave the thrill of the physicality.
Gentlemen, in the escorting game, it's all about the Ts and the Ps.
The talkers and the porkers.
Don't take your love to town BASS-HEAVY ELECTRONIC MUSIC I wanna see your body work Work, work, work Work, work, work.
Best night of my life.
This is just the beginning, Janine, yeah? I never thought you liked me.
Who said that? Who said that?! I will fucking fight them.
You said that.
I said that? I said that? Well then, I am a cunt, yeah? And I apologise.
It's Lance's fault.
It's all Lance's fault.
We used to have fun, and I mean fun.
He was dangerous.
I used to really fancy that man.
Now it's gone.
It's gone.
It's on.
What's on? The ting, bruv.
Tonight.
The ting ting? Wheelchair Dave runs a discreet little agency for uncomplicated encounters called Chitty Chatty Bang Bang.
There's a gig tonight if we want it.
You up for it? Are you up for it? Are you up for it? In theory, course man's up for it.
Man's got to get to his P game up, but man's spent a lifetime getting his love game up to a certain level.
Can't just dash that away with some Widdecombe woman bolting up my leg.
Ash, I'm with you all the way on that.
You know what my policy is.
It's like what wheelchair Dave said.
A lot of these women are just lonely and require the company of a handsome, intelligent, intellectual young man.
All they want is for someone to make them feel special.
For a hour.
Just a hour? Just a hour.
A hour? A hour.
This ain't no fucking accident.
We're fucking beautiful and blessed.
Yeah, man, I guess we've been like gifted, really, innit? True dat.
And we've got to gift it on.
Let us not succumb to selfishness.
Let us pass the gift on to those less fortunate, let us make these poor women feel wanted, feel special, feel desired, if only for a hour in their very sad day.
Plus, we do this a couple of hours a night, Monday to Friday, we're pulling in a grand, each.
Say something.
Jee-sus Christ! Hallelujah.
Thank you, Jesus.
You don't seriously expect me to have sex with someone for money? Bruv, you was all for it last night.
Just think of this, yeah.
Like Elton John's first marriage, no one is having sex with no one.
All we're doing is providing a service, just for a hour.
It's like babysitting, yeah, but with swords.
With swords? Single, Widowed Or Recently Divorced.
No, it's not for me.
OK, look.
Ash, come and show new man how easy this ting is, yeah? You go handsome you and I'll go the spinster.
I'm in a hotel room, waiting for you.
I'll probably be wearing a shawl.
Dum-dum-dum.
Come in.
Hello.
Oh, hello.
Not looking at you, eyes on the floor.
Tell me, have you read the books of Patricia Cornwell? Yes! That is very intelligent of you.
Oh, thank you! You are very special, do you know that? No, no I didn't.
I've just been so lonely for so many years now.
At this point, yeah, I'll probably hover the arm just here, just let her feel the heat.
Probably don't touch me, cos I'll want to be with you if you do that.
Did you know that you, my love, are a very beautiful, creative woman? Please can I have my £100 now, please? Course you can.
You've earned every penny.
Thank you.
Boom! That's all it is, bruv, you're just putting on a show, yeah, it's like a Take That concert.
Robbie don't fuck none of that audience.
But every one of that audience go home feeling like they've been fucked by Robbie.
All right, I'll do it, but I'm not doing any of the dirty stuff.
I'm a talker, not a porker.
Bruv, it's kosher night, strictly no pork.
What's Lance going to do? What?! We ain't having Lance! What, that's our spin? We got a fat old man on our team?! He'll have bigger tits than the clients.
All right? Where's Janine? What the fuck is that? What, this? Yeah, slept in the garage.
Too scared to go in the house.
Jogged in, keeping fit.
Man up.
Now we know why they call man Lance, innit? Secret weapon? Yeah, I like the sound of that.
What shall I wear? Officer And A Gentleman? Nah, wear what you wore this morning, bruv.
What? Those old cycling shorts? Bruv, whilst not being a gay man in myself but simultaneously not judging the lifestyle choices of others, Peter Tatchell, bad man, you look fine in them shorts, boy.
Yeah? Yeah.
Well, thank you very much.
You're sure we don't have to do anything? Strictly kosher.
Take That, Genesis.
You'll be needing them.
Why? Not saying.
What have you got planned? Couldn't possibly say.
This is like Sex And The City, isn't it? No, it's better than that, it's like Sex And The City 2.
Ahhh How can I say this, yeah, we offer an unparalleled service when it comes to the finer things in life.
Mmmmmm.
Ideal for if you're elegant but a little bit lonely.
So lonely.
But we know that as ladies of refinement, you deserve so much more than what you're currently receiving.
Nnnnnn Complementary.
But don't get greedy.
That's just a joke, yeah? Excuse me.
Sip a glass of cold champagne wine The rug that we lay on feels divine And there's no now now now Ay, yay Ya-ay (ALL) There's nothing like this.
No! You said they were talkers, they were fucking porkers.
No, they wasn't.
They were.
The blonde was evil.
She grabbed my balls by the bidet.
That's just standard horseplay! In prison.
Come on, Lance, we need this.
You're part of our crew now.
You're our secret weapon.
No.
I'm not a piece of meat.
Er, you kind of are.
OK, bye.
Yeah, bye.
We're on to a big ting, family.
Shaq's got us lined up another one for tonight, proper money.
No, I'm not doing it.
Lance, man, why g'wan? Nah g'wan.
It's not for me, actually.
It's like fisting.
You think you're going to like it till you try it, then you spend the next two days bleaching the sheets.
Bruv, think of the money, innit! I promise, Lance, just tonight and that's it.
We're done.
It's a big money night tonight, I beg you, Lance.
Come on, bruv! No.
What if Shelley finds out? Bun Shelley.
Yeah, bun Shelley.
Janine, are you taking the piss? I've left you messages, I've texted you, I've rung your house.
'Low it.
'Low it? I'm perfectly confident that term's correct.
Double-checked it on urban dictionary, so Hurry up, Janine, the cab's waiting.
Shelley? And where was you last night? Where I was the night before.
And where was that, in the garage? Yeah.
In the garage.
Look at yourself, you're like a badly-dressed gammon.
Janine, where are you going?! She's coming with me.
Yeah, I meant to say, I won't be in next week, so What, why? Were going to Ayia Napa.
Oi oi! See you, shithouse.
Come on, Jans.
What time tonight? You done what? Exciting enough for you, Janine? These guys are special.
They put on a bit of a show.
You paid them? Yeah, you are aroused? No, I'm not aroused, I've fucking appalled.
What's wrong, Janine? You a talker, not a porker? You all mouth? I never thought you was a shithouse.
I'm not, I just Well, what is the matter, Janine? You scared? I thought you and me was alike.
I thought you was the second daughter I never wanted.
Yeah, I am.
Either you walk through this door with me or you fuck off back to the shop with your loser mates.
Yeah? What's it going to be? It is now or never.
Well, I thought it through, and do you mind if it's never? Shelley.
Janine.
Run! We're here because We're here We're here because this is where we hold our monthly business meetings, where we discuss moving the business on, forward, whilst drinking champagne.
Is it? There are two types of people in this game, Ashley.
There's the talkers, and then there's the porkers.
Guess what we are.
DOOR OPENS LOUDLY Nnnnn! Nnn? Oh, dear.
Come on, Janine, let's get out.
Lance? Shelley.
What are you doing here? Just having a run.
Hello, Shelley.
Can I just squeeze past? With the boys.
You're coming home with me.
That got rid of my hiccups.
You didn't tell me you still had them shorts.
You didn't ask.
1, 2, 3, up! You're looking at the floor! I'm not looking at the floor! You are! Remember who you're talking to! Just keep your head up.
Remember who you're talking to, bruv.
That's it! That's what I wanted.
Yeah? My eyes are watering, bruv, hurry up! Ah, that's lovely!
Man's operating on less money than Kerry Katona.
I'm going to have to take the Xbox back to Crack Converters.
For the shamefaced Payday Loan? Don't know.
Think you got problems with the cashflow, bruv? Check this out.
Oh, my days! Is that sandwiches? Shh, bruv! Man's on a value thing here, yeah? I'm tasting the difference in reverse.
I feel for you, Ash.
Men like Ashy Ash should be on a lunchtime salmon teriyaki rice bowl thing, standard.
Like, coarsely cut coriander, lime wedge.
You do know mine's a Wagamama, man, innit? Is, blud.
Mine's a Wagamama, man, every day.
Or M&S Simply Food on a slow day.
You want to go to the Simply game? Yes, bruv.
OK, I remember the days I used to pick up a spiced bun, pack of cashews and some Percy Pigs on my way to the till like it was nothing.
Vulgar! Like it was nothing, fam.
"You want a plastic bag for 5p?" "Yes, please, give me three and a Bag For Life to put them in.
" Eat my lunch, bin the lot.
Senseless waste! Get me.
We need to start making some extra curricular cash out here, fam.
We need to up our P game, you know? Got to get that cash moving, like, move that paper like origami.
Got to have some ideas, innit, really? We need to brainstorm that, you know.
Yeah, man.
Brainstorm.
Oi, oi! Brainstorm! You all right? Just get in, bruv.
What did I tell you about running? And you have to ask yourself, "Is this a good deal for me? "Do I deserve a better deal than the one I'm currently getting?" And the answer, ladies, is a resounding yes.
Yes, I do deserve better.
We have a laugh, Janine.
We hang.
Carol, we're the three most unpopular women on the High Street.
We don't hang, we cling.
We do fun stuff.
We go ice-skating.
We went ice-skating once and we had to leave after 10 minutes cos you had a premonition someone was going to get stabbed during the under-17s disco.
We go to Millie's Cookies and shout at the fat girls who work in Superdrug.
Carol, you work in Superdrug.
Girls, haven't you ever wanted more than this? I do! I want adventure, excitement, and, yes, glamour.
And now, I've got my chance.
I've been invited to a VIP Divorce Party at The Powder Room in Croydon.
Let me go.
Prepare the way, scout it out.
Yeah? I will come back for you.
I don't think we're ever going to see you again, Janine.
You probably won't, no.
It ain't all about Croydon, Carol.
It ain't all about Croydon.
Well, what are we going to do now, though? I'm in charge now, Carol.
Pin back your ears and listen to me.
Babies dressed as Roman soldiers delivering pizzas! Oooh, I've got a really good one.
A magazine for, like, upper class prostitutes called What-Ho? I was going to say that.
Can we try and keep it realistic, please? Don't inhibit the business vision.
It's a brainstorm.
Anything goes in a brainstorm.
Yes, but within reason.
What ain't within reason? Right, an energy drink for the rastas? Dread Bull gives you tings, fam.
Big idea! That's money in the bank.
That.
Spunk Invaders.
Say something.
A website called Hot Guys With Lazy Eyes.
Really? Boom! Money maker, bruv.
Trust me - niche product.
Niche! Ashley, Jerwayne.
Got any cash on you? That's a good idea.
Website, yeah? Niche.
I got, like, 20 quid to last me to the end of the week.
That'll do.
I'll sort you out later.
I've got to pay off the milkman.
Shelley's gone raggy.
Ragga? Oh, my God.
Bruv.
Help me out here.
Raggo.
Raggo? Thank you.
What was it again? Raggo.
Raggo? You sure? I've got to pay off the milkman, Shelley's gone raggo.
Raggo? Mental, Christopher! Yeah, Shelley got hold of him this morning.
Gave him a dig, bundled him into the pampas grass.
I don't know what's going on.
She's got that look in her eye, though.
Please tell me she ain't coming down here.
No, no, no, no.
She might do.
OK, you know the drill.
Check all exit and entrance points to the building are secure.
Shall I seal off the air conditioning vents? (ALL) Yes! Yeah, these are the sort of circles I'm moving in now, Christopher.
"Where you going tonight, Janine?" "Oh, I'm just going up Croydon for a VIP Divorce Party.
" "Cor, whose party is that?" "I don't know, I just get invited to these exclusive boutique events like I'm Claire Sweeney or the cast of Emmerdale.
" Uh-huh.
What is the matter with you? What? Oh, nothing.
I get it.
Mmmm.
Jealousy.
Janine's on the up, yeah.
Making headway out the retail swamp, getting invited to the other side of the VIP rope and certain people, they don't like that.
No, it's not that.
It's They're the people I've named the haters.
They've been odd all day.
I wouldn't have thought it of you, though, Christopher.
Not with your BA Honours and your middle-class family dog.
I haven't got a dog.
I don't want to go home.
Who fancies a drink? I'm meeting Wheelchair Dave in the Mariners.
We're bruk-pocket right now.
Come on.
Yeah, I gave him my last 20 quid.
Christopher? No, I think I'm just going to head home.
Batten down the old hatches.
No-one asked for peanuts! I asked for them! Now you ask for Student loan! Peanuts! Peanuts! That's how broke we are, bruv.
We'll open till ten, then.
Are you mad, bruv? Think man works in a kebab shop? Fuck off! It's all right, Leslie.
He's with us.
I'm with them.
All right, David.
Sorry, mate.
I thought he was a fucking nonce.
No, no It's quite obvious.
Shelley is displaying all of the classic symptoms of the midlife crisis.
I thought it was only men that had the midlife crisis.
Bruv, Shelley's got bigger balls than all of us, innit! Essentially, she is dissatisfied with Lance's current version of his masculinity.
She does not respect Lance as a man.
What? I believe that you need to man up, Lance.
Look at you, you're 70 per cent of a woman.
But Mr Wheelchair Dave, I know why they call you that, by the way.
Yes, it's cos I haven't got an arsehole.
You don't know no arsehole.
The fact The thing is The fact of the matter is Shelley's going to get us.
Every one of us.
With her big old fucking balls.
I guarantee, Christopher, that Shelley is not in the least bit interested in any of you.
Welcome to my VIP Divorce Party, Janine.
Shelley, I didn't think you was even married.
Free party, innit? Graduations, 21st, divorces, all get a free party.
I graduated twice last year.
Champagne? Ooh, Cava.
That's French for champagne.
Where's all the other VIPs? In the hot tub? Oh, no.
It's just me and you, Janine.
You want to make quick money these days, boys? Yeah.
Two words - es-corting.
No, no, no.
That ain't me.
I ain't going to that place.
What, like, hooking up with older men in arcades? Getting paid in tracksuit and trainers, woodland breaks in Rotterdam? Bun that.
He means escorting women, innit? Affirmative, Ashley.
Jerwayne, there's an incredible amount of lonely women out there who yearn for the well-groomed companionship of a real man.
OK.
Plus, you can earn up to £100 an hour.
Each.
I'll do it! I'll do it for £100.
I'm a nice guy, a good-looking fellow.
Hello, Nanny.
You all right? Fancy hooking up? You're a cheeky little monkey, aren't you? Come here.
You ticklish under there, you little sauce pot? Oooh, oooh, oooh, ooooh! Christopher, stop it! What's the matter with you? OK, OK.
Do you have to, you know, sex them? No.
Not every time.
I used to make quite a good living from it before I lost my arsehole.
Then, I went niche and it dried up.
Oh, well.
Basically, you split your clients into two groups.
The ladies that yearn for a bit of companionship and someone to talk to.
And then, the ladies who crave the thrill of the physicality.
Gentlemen, in the escorting game, it's all about the Ts and the Ps.
The talkers and the porkers.
Don't take your love to town BASS-HEAVY ELECTRONIC MUSIC I wanna see your body work Work, work, work Work, work, work.
Best night of my life.
This is just the beginning, Janine, yeah? I never thought you liked me.
Who said that? Who said that?! I will fucking fight them.
You said that.
I said that? I said that? Well then, I am a cunt, yeah? And I apologise.
It's Lance's fault.
It's all Lance's fault.
We used to have fun, and I mean fun.
He was dangerous.
I used to really fancy that man.
Now it's gone.
It's gone.
It's on.
What's on? The ting, bruv.
Tonight.
The ting ting? Wheelchair Dave runs a discreet little agency for uncomplicated encounters called Chitty Chatty Bang Bang.
There's a gig tonight if we want it.
You up for it? Are you up for it? Are you up for it? In theory, course man's up for it.
Man's got to get to his P game up, but man's spent a lifetime getting his love game up to a certain level.
Can't just dash that away with some Widdecombe woman bolting up my leg.
Ash, I'm with you all the way on that.
You know what my policy is.
It's like what wheelchair Dave said.
A lot of these women are just lonely and require the company of a handsome, intelligent, intellectual young man.
All they want is for someone to make them feel special.
For a hour.
Just a hour? Just a hour.
A hour? A hour.
This ain't no fucking accident.
We're fucking beautiful and blessed.
Yeah, man, I guess we've been like gifted, really, innit? True dat.
And we've got to gift it on.
Let us not succumb to selfishness.
Let us pass the gift on to those less fortunate, let us make these poor women feel wanted, feel special, feel desired, if only for a hour in their very sad day.
Plus, we do this a couple of hours a night, Monday to Friday, we're pulling in a grand, each.
Say something.
Jee-sus Christ! Hallelujah.
Thank you, Jesus.
You don't seriously expect me to have sex with someone for money? Bruv, you was all for it last night.
Just think of this, yeah.
Like Elton John's first marriage, no one is having sex with no one.
All we're doing is providing a service, just for a hour.
It's like babysitting, yeah, but with swords.
With swords? Single, Widowed Or Recently Divorced.
No, it's not for me.
OK, look.
Ash, come and show new man how easy this ting is, yeah? You go handsome you and I'll go the spinster.
I'm in a hotel room, waiting for you.
I'll probably be wearing a shawl.
Dum-dum-dum.
Come in.
Hello.
Oh, hello.
Not looking at you, eyes on the floor.
Tell me, have you read the books of Patricia Cornwell? Yes! That is very intelligent of you.
Oh, thank you! You are very special, do you know that? No, no I didn't.
I've just been so lonely for so many years now.
At this point, yeah, I'll probably hover the arm just here, just let her feel the heat.
Probably don't touch me, cos I'll want to be with you if you do that.
Did you know that you, my love, are a very beautiful, creative woman? Please can I have my £100 now, please? Course you can.
You've earned every penny.
Thank you.
Boom! That's all it is, bruv, you're just putting on a show, yeah, it's like a Take That concert.
Robbie don't fuck none of that audience.
But every one of that audience go home feeling like they've been fucked by Robbie.
All right, I'll do it, but I'm not doing any of the dirty stuff.
I'm a talker, not a porker.
Bruv, it's kosher night, strictly no pork.
What's Lance going to do? What?! We ain't having Lance! What, that's our spin? We got a fat old man on our team?! He'll have bigger tits than the clients.
All right? Where's Janine? What the fuck is that? What, this? Yeah, slept in the garage.
Too scared to go in the house.
Jogged in, keeping fit.
Man up.
Now we know why they call man Lance, innit? Secret weapon? Yeah, I like the sound of that.
What shall I wear? Officer And A Gentleman? Nah, wear what you wore this morning, bruv.
What? Those old cycling shorts? Bruv, whilst not being a gay man in myself but simultaneously not judging the lifestyle choices of others, Peter Tatchell, bad man, you look fine in them shorts, boy.
Yeah? Yeah.
Well, thank you very much.
You're sure we don't have to do anything? Strictly kosher.
Take That, Genesis.
You'll be needing them.
Why? Not saying.
What have you got planned? Couldn't possibly say.
This is like Sex And The City, isn't it? No, it's better than that, it's like Sex And The City 2.
Ahhh How can I say this, yeah, we offer an unparalleled service when it comes to the finer things in life.
Mmmmmm.
Ideal for if you're elegant but a little bit lonely.
So lonely.
But we know that as ladies of refinement, you deserve so much more than what you're currently receiving.
Nnnnnn Complementary.
But don't get greedy.
That's just a joke, yeah? Excuse me.
Sip a glass of cold champagne wine The rug that we lay on feels divine And there's no now now now Ay, yay Ya-ay (ALL) There's nothing like this.
No! You said they were talkers, they were fucking porkers.
No, they wasn't.
They were.
The blonde was evil.
She grabbed my balls by the bidet.
That's just standard horseplay! In prison.
Come on, Lance, we need this.
You're part of our crew now.
You're our secret weapon.
No.
I'm not a piece of meat.
Er, you kind of are.
OK, bye.
Yeah, bye.
We're on to a big ting, family.
Shaq's got us lined up another one for tonight, proper money.
No, I'm not doing it.
Lance, man, why g'wan? Nah g'wan.
It's not for me, actually.
It's like fisting.
You think you're going to like it till you try it, then you spend the next two days bleaching the sheets.
Bruv, think of the money, innit! I promise, Lance, just tonight and that's it.
We're done.
It's a big money night tonight, I beg you, Lance.
Come on, bruv! No.
What if Shelley finds out? Bun Shelley.
Yeah, bun Shelley.
Janine, are you taking the piss? I've left you messages, I've texted you, I've rung your house.
'Low it.
'Low it? I'm perfectly confident that term's correct.
Double-checked it on urban dictionary, so Hurry up, Janine, the cab's waiting.
Shelley? And where was you last night? Where I was the night before.
And where was that, in the garage? Yeah.
In the garage.
Look at yourself, you're like a badly-dressed gammon.
Janine, where are you going?! She's coming with me.
Yeah, I meant to say, I won't be in next week, so What, why? Were going to Ayia Napa.
Oi oi! See you, shithouse.
Come on, Jans.
What time tonight? You done what? Exciting enough for you, Janine? These guys are special.
They put on a bit of a show.
You paid them? Yeah, you are aroused? No, I'm not aroused, I've fucking appalled.
What's wrong, Janine? You a talker, not a porker? You all mouth? I never thought you was a shithouse.
I'm not, I just Well, what is the matter, Janine? You scared? I thought you and me was alike.
I thought you was the second daughter I never wanted.
Yeah, I am.
Either you walk through this door with me or you fuck off back to the shop with your loser mates.
Yeah? What's it going to be? It is now or never.
Well, I thought it through, and do you mind if it's never? Shelley.
Janine.
Run! We're here because We're here We're here because this is where we hold our monthly business meetings, where we discuss moving the business on, forward, whilst drinking champagne.
Is it? There are two types of people in this game, Ashley.
There's the talkers, and then there's the porkers.
Guess what we are.
DOOR OPENS LOUDLY Nnnnn! Nnn? Oh, dear.
Come on, Janine, let's get out.
Lance? Shelley.
What are you doing here? Just having a run.
Hello, Shelley.
Can I just squeeze past? With the boys.
You're coming home with me.
That got rid of my hiccups.
You didn't tell me you still had them shorts.
You didn't ask.
1, 2, 3, up! You're looking at the floor! I'm not looking at the floor! You are! Remember who you're talking to! Just keep your head up.
Remember who you're talking to, bruv.
That's it! That's what I wanted.
Yeah? My eyes are watering, bruv, hurry up! Ah, that's lovely!