PhoneShop (2009) s02e02 Episode Script
It's Training Men
Bruv! My girl finished with me.
Boom! In the street! I swear like phones4u was walking past.
Man felt shame, you know.
Blud, that is heartless.
No respect for man's feelings, innit? Dun know.
Finishin' with you? Finishin' with me! It happened to me! Fuuuu nah, you not goin' on that depressive ting again, are you? What? Na, na, they ain't mine, bruv.
Bruv? They ain't.
You been on the Haribo, innit? What? You got Haribosis, innit? Look, bruv don't make a thing of this, yeah, but does it look bigger to you? What? What the the ting, man, does it don't play! Does it look bigger to you? What am I doin' What ting, bruv? Does it look bigger? The ting ting.
The ting What ting, bruv? Oh Does it look bigger? You're gonna have to hold it down for longer.
Wow.
No.
Um Fuckin' hell.
It is, innit? It is! Fuckin' hell! I knew it, my hair's becoming a myth! Listen, I sent them milkshakes to them girls over there, yeah? Complimentary milkshake manoeuvre.
Standard.
You don't know.
Bruv, they come straight back.
What? True.
Straight fucking back.
Cos of fuckin' this.
What you lookin' at, grandad face? Who the fuck you talkin' to? Now who is this fool? Why is your old face lookin' at my young self? Spin round, Heskey man, go to your boy Rooney, innit What's the matter with these girls? Please turn around or I'm gonna call Childline, yeah? It's all changin' bruv.
It's like, we're gettin' older these girls are gettin' younger.
What you sayin'? Man's on his way to Glittertown? Nah bruv, banda.
I'm just saying gotta think about switchin' up.
You sayin' what I think? The "M" word? Sayin' "mature", that what you sayin'? All's I'm saying, we gotta like, realign our targets, yeah? Like, identify new territories.
We gotta switch up go for the more mature woman.
Done a knob, innit.
Seriously though, we gotta go mature.
I so want to see you tonight.
And I so want to see you tonight, but I can't, you know I can't.
I know, I know you're working late, it's Emma's birthday and you promised her, and bla-bla-bla-bla-bla You are so cheeky! But I promised her and we've been mates since we were six, and she's had a rough time since splitting with that lying, cheating, arsehole of a boyfriend blummin' shit! Ooooh! I like it when you're feisty! Yeah? Only when I'm feisty? Because I happen to like you all of the time Tomorrow night, I'm all yours.
What? All of you? All of me.
Even my Oh, that's filth Well you have fun at work.
I'll call you later.
Yeah, call me.
All right.
Bye.
All man wants to know is, did you beat it? This is fucking shit! What is it? I don't fucking need this.
Shit.
Shelley? What she done this time? Left them Chinese love eggs in you again? You got toxic shock, bruv? Stop pissing about.
Fancy a staff training day? Yes! What? Today? Hold up.
Not with that fat, northern prick? Tony the toucher? Yes, Tony the toucher.
Tony the fuckin' toucher, bruv.
(NORTHERN ACCENT) Come on gang, who wants a group hug? Man's always on that grip suck ting.
They spring this shit on me on the day! All right.
Calm down, just a bit of training.
Oh, he'll like you, Christopher.
He likes the keen ones.
He'll wrap you up, take you home for Christmas.
(THEY LAUGH OMINOUSLY) Y'all right, Janine? No, not really.
I've only gone and got a bloody stalker.
She ain't got a stalker! How can a woman be stalked by another woman? Eff that.
Bruv, that ain't a stalker, that's just, like, an opening scene from Ashley's home porn cinema of the mind.
Bruv, she saw this girl starin' at her what, like, twice, at a bus stop or somethin' Man does that 24/7 on the regs.
Bus stop, cake shops, the Co-Op.
Am I a sex pest, because I like to comprehensively appreciate the form of a beautiful, young woman? Does that make man a stalker? Ummm I've gotta say, Janine, does sound like more of a coincidence.
Remember where I saw the same bloke, every day, outside the post office, for two weeks? Turns out he wasn't a stalker.
He was an armed robber, doing his homework.
Do you want another cup of tea? No.
I'm shaking too much to hold the cup.
I'll just have another eclair.
Yeah you finish the three packs.
Well, come downstairs when you're ready.
We've got a staff training day.
Oh, fucking training day! Yeah, well, I'd better You believe me, don't you, Christopher? Yeah no yeah, of course I do.
Thank you.
It's OK.
Sit down.
Bethany Pimlett.
How old? No, bruv, too young.
Look at this A 20-year-old can't comprehend this.
She ain't got language for it.
Shannon Banks outta Miss Selfridges, what? Bruv, I beg of you we was at her 21st last month.
Look, we gotta step up.
Go for the more refined woman who appreciates the mature man.
That's where our game's at now.
Ahhh, bruv, bruv.
Little Big Denise! She must be 30 by now! Little Big Denise who? Little Big Denise! Perry outta Thomas Cook was engaged to her.
She got run over by a squaddie on a quaddie.
You know Denise, had a baby born with a full set of teeth.
Oh, that Denise? Yeah.
But, no! Look at me.
I'm a shadow of my former self.
I'm a wreck.
Where's Janine the party girl? Oh, she's over there, shaking in the darkness.
No! I won't let it happen, Christopher.
I'm gonna take the power.
I'm gonna find her and say You be the girl.
What? You be her.
Look at me.
She looks at me all the time.
No, like this.
That's it.
Um.
I say "Hey, lady I am so bloody flattered that you want to break off a piece of this so much you're willing to stalk me, but I am not a lesbian.
" "I've had my opportunities, you know, had a cuddle off a lady vicar at my Nana's funeral.
" "Nothing stirred.
" "But if I was lock yourself up, cos you wouldn't be safe!" Yeah, what do you think? Yeah, no, it's good.
Do you not think it might just be a coincidence? No, I don't, Christopher! I know a stalker when I see one.
I've put the hours in.
You ask Gary Barlow's mum.
Yes, she's beautiful, yes, she's the right age, but she's got three kids, bruv.
Bruv, she's peng! Listen, I ain't in the market for becomin' a spuncle, you get me? Tony the fat training prick not arrived yet? He should teach himself to arrive on time.
Man better not try and touch me, this time.
I'm gonna take it legal.
Serious.
I ain't gettin' involved in no group hug bullshit, yeah? Man treats it like some fucking Scissor Sisters mosh pit.
I tell you what.
I'm not doing it.
We're not doing it.
We are the second most successful store in the area.
We do not need any soppy bollocks, one-on-one training by a useless, fat prick, who's never worked a day on the shopfloor.
Screw the training day, we're open for business, yeah? Yeah! Yeah! Yes, bruv! Yes, bruv! Yeah! Yes! Manager's decision! Is that all right? The M-bomb just dropped.
Hello.
How is your day? I'm here to help with everything you could possibly desire.
Je m'appelle Jerwayne Sinclair.
Scorpio.
Excuse me, I go by the name of Ashley, yeah.
Please be welcome into our well-appointed store.
Feel free to browse, no commitment to purchase nuffink.
Thank you, please, yeah? Thank you.
I'll deal with this.
Go on.
There's some Twiglets back there, you like those.
I'm Lance, Store Manager, entirely at your disposal.
Do with me as you will.
Wow! I'm impressed! I'm genuinely pleased to meet you.
Oh, and I'm very pleased to meet you.
I'm Davinia St John Brown.
I'm Tony De Mille's business partner.
Fat Tony? Unfortunately, Tony was involved in a car accident this morning.
Fucking hell! No! It's nothing to worry about, it's just that I'm going to replace him for your training session today.
That's terrible! Please, Jah, tell me he's OK! Thankfully, nothing too serious.
A bit shaken, bit of whiplash So definitely no Tony? No.
Good god! Poor Tony, I think I speak for the entire staff, when I say we all think so much of him.
Do you know what, my man's double inspiring, yeah.
He's like an Obamandela.
Obamandela! Yes, yes, very good! You know, it was Tony what taught me, that there's no I-and-I in team.
Right! I love him.
Oh, that's nice! I'm sorry, but in the meantime, I'm afraid you'll have to make do with little old me.
You ain't old, that's crazy.
I don't think that will be a problem, Divine.
Oh, it's Davinia.
Sorry! I was right the first time! Excuse me, people say I have a very dry sense of humour.
They say that about me as well, yeah? I love him.
Great.
I would just like to say, that we'll all be praying for the great man's speedy recovery, yeah, and I hope we can get to share in his immense knowledge of the industry, and its best practices very soon, really.
Oh, I'll be sure to pass your best wishes on to him.
Do you know what? Forgive my sentimentality, but I think it'd be a fitting tribute to Fat Tony Tony if we were to start today's session with the great man's trademark.
(NORTHERN ACCENT) Come on gang, group hug! Group hug! Group hug! Group hug! Right, guys.
Great morning's role-play.
Janine, you were excellent as the customer who was stalking the young salesperson.
Thank you.
I drew on personal experience so, yeah, it got pretty real.
And Christopher, amazing reactions to the stalker.
Well done! Thank you.
Davinia, can I just say, I simply live for role-play.
I became lost in that character.
Yes, your portrayal of Professor Thuglife was very powerful.
And thought-provoking.
I made the line between thuggery and philosophy sheer edu-tainment.
Chase! Woo! Wow.
Do you know what, I've been, like, reborn, re-energised, renaissance-ified.
You know the thing I mean, yeah, like two words, wow wee.
Can we do that thing again, where you're the customer who has the in-store heart attack Sorry, I'd love to, guys, but we don't have enough time.
But if you want to get some fresh air, grab some lunch, have a stretch and be ready for those one-on-one's this afternoon.
Jerwayne, you're up first.
That would be a pleasure for me.
And most definitely for you.
And then for me and you after, innit? OK! See you in a bit.
Christopher? Yeah? You shone in that.
Oh, thank you.
I need your help.
Oh, God.
Right, Christopher, we need to stalk the stalker.
Oh, I thought we were going to grab a fruit break.
No.
We need to get inside the stalker's mindset.
Think, "What would a lesbian have for lunch?" Right, I think you've made that more than clear over the last hour and ten minutes.
I'd like to thank you, Davinia, for teaching me, and I'd like to humbly remind you that teaching is a two-way street.
And that, given the opportunity, I can teach you so much.
Perhaps we can meet this evening and I can give you a masterclass on what my role-play is all about? Thank you, that's very sweet of you, but we really must press on.
Everything all right? I look forward to tonight, Davinia.
There is no tonight, Jerwayne.
Yeah, there's no tonight.
Shut your mouth.
You shut your mouth.
Shut your mouth, bruv.
Lance, aren't I due to see you at 3pm? Yeah.
So would you like to come back then? Yeah, absolutely.
I've got a bit of reading to do, anyway.
I think he gets out in the end.
I love Walking books.
I've got all of Ian Botham's.
Well done, you! Yeah, well done, me.
Tonight Davinia, please forgive my colleagues, they are but Philistines.
Come, sit yourself down, yeah? It's OK.
You can relax now, innit, yeah? I trust the subtle aroma of cinnamon will be mutually conducive to our business explorifications? Well It wasn't exactly what I was expecting.
You know what, a man like me never is.
Davinia, can I ask you a question, please? Just a little something that's been playing on my mind since this morning's session, yeah? Do you like the films of Meryl Streep? So, what's Davinia been saying, then? We didn't talk much, it was more bedroom than boardroom, you get me? Bedroom in your mum's house? Nah Hotel Bedroom.
Mmm! Best Western? Travel Lodge? Single room, no minibar? What you on about? She's not interested in you.
She wants a bit of maturity.
Sophistication.
Someone who knows their way around an Italian salad.
You're so old you'll put your back out drawing down my girl's panty.
Real talk.
Oh? Is that what you think I am? Some sad, old sack? Some grey-haired, old bloater in a pink jumper, who hasn't listened to pop music since the 20th June 1993? Right.
Right.
It's exhausting being me.
This is ridiculous.
It's like looking for a needle in a haystack.
I'll see you back at the shop.
Lance, I've one or two concerns about the teamwork ethic of some of your staff.
It seems that they're rather individualist.
Da da da da da Davinia.
Yes? Do you like the music of Dubstep? No.
I bet you like a lovely Italian salad? Oh, nn-nn-nn-nn! I really think that some of your staff are not on message with the teamwork ethic, Lance.
Rocket! Lance, I Chicory! Maybe, mix it up a bit handful of pine nuts Right.
Lance.
Would you like to take me for a drink? What? A drink.
Would you like to take me for a drink this evening? Really? It's only a drink.
Yeah, of course it is.
What are you scared of? Ghosts.
Nothing! Isn't this what you wanted, Lance? No, no, God, no.
I've got to go to the shop floor, want anything? No.
Two minutes.
Just got to make a phone call.
And so when I confront her, I'll say, "I am so flattered that you find me attractive, yeah, however, I'm not a lesbian".
And then That's the standard, liberal, gay defence.
The old, "I'm really flattered you're attracted to me, however", blah, blah, blah speech.
Janine, this ain't gonna happen.
There is no stalker.
You seein' this woman is like.
.
Pure coincidence.
And, so, that's why she's followed me here twice, is it, Jerwayne? Oh, my God, really? In that case, I got a stalker Seriously for you, baby, yeah! Janine, you know what.
Is he hiding down there, between two rocks in the bushes, just winking at me? Thought so.
I won't bother confronting him, it'll only be a disappointment.
You just got anti-bantered, bruv.
I've got Davinia on lock.
Trust me! Don't lie.
Bruv, I ain't lyin'.
When man turns his swag on, resistance is futile, bwoy! Yeah? Well, maybe Uncle Ashy will be getting busy with a certain mature lady this evening, exchanging sophisticated laughter and bon fucking mots whilst sippin' on 'yac in front of a open fire.
Bruv, don't hype Your mum ain't got no open fire, innit.
Oh! OK, we're going to Mum's, yeah? Play it your way, bruv, let's see who comes in tomorrow with grey pubes in his teeth.
Let's, bruv.
No.
I'm not going.
But you're my best friend.
I've only been your "best friend" since this morning.
Why do I have to go? Because I could be vulnerable.
And because you look like a lesbian.
I don't look like a lesbian! Do it for the girl.
What's the matter with you? Why you being so heartless? Go on.
POUNDING MUSIC I am so flattered that you find me attractive, yeah? However Yeah! I don't think that would work, would it? Hello.
What do you think of this? I am so flattered Fuck it! Lance! Davinia! You're here.
Yeah! Come join the gang.
Gang? Yes.
The gang.
The gang? Bruv, what you doing here? What you doing here? Yeah, what you both doing here? Nah, man, what you doing here? Yeah, what are you doing here, and you! Davinia? And how is my favourite team this evening? Come on, gang.
Group hug! See, Janine, it was just a coincidence He's so adorable.
The other day Look on the bright side, we've made some lovely new friends! He surprised me after work and took me for a picnic.
Come on then, all up Chicagos! Christopher? It's Uh No it's just girlfriends don't wave at her Just having All girls, out together Why? ARGUING Why you always like that with a banner, innit? Bruv, shut your mouth! I got in quite early.
Just caught the arse end of the Richard Hammond Story on Channel Five.
It was shit.
It's her.
That's the stalker excuse me! Excuse me! No, no, please don't go I need to speak to you.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry, I just got carried away, I've never It was just a silly, stupid crush.
Look I am so flattered that you find me attractive.
What? It's not you! Why would it be you?! (WHISPERS) It's the other girl.
(WHISPERS) What other girl? The one who wears the suits.
Her.
Look, I'm really, really flattered that you find me attractive, however no.
Just No.
Boom! In the street! I swear like phones4u was walking past.
Man felt shame, you know.
Blud, that is heartless.
No respect for man's feelings, innit? Dun know.
Finishin' with you? Finishin' with me! It happened to me! Fuuuu nah, you not goin' on that depressive ting again, are you? What? Na, na, they ain't mine, bruv.
Bruv? They ain't.
You been on the Haribo, innit? What? You got Haribosis, innit? Look, bruv don't make a thing of this, yeah, but does it look bigger to you? What? What the the ting, man, does it don't play! Does it look bigger to you? What am I doin' What ting, bruv? Does it look bigger? The ting ting.
The ting What ting, bruv? Oh Does it look bigger? You're gonna have to hold it down for longer.
Wow.
No.
Um Fuckin' hell.
It is, innit? It is! Fuckin' hell! I knew it, my hair's becoming a myth! Listen, I sent them milkshakes to them girls over there, yeah? Complimentary milkshake manoeuvre.
Standard.
You don't know.
Bruv, they come straight back.
What? True.
Straight fucking back.
Cos of fuckin' this.
What you lookin' at, grandad face? Who the fuck you talkin' to? Now who is this fool? Why is your old face lookin' at my young self? Spin round, Heskey man, go to your boy Rooney, innit What's the matter with these girls? Please turn around or I'm gonna call Childline, yeah? It's all changin' bruv.
It's like, we're gettin' older these girls are gettin' younger.
What you sayin'? Man's on his way to Glittertown? Nah bruv, banda.
I'm just saying gotta think about switchin' up.
You sayin' what I think? The "M" word? Sayin' "mature", that what you sayin'? All's I'm saying, we gotta like, realign our targets, yeah? Like, identify new territories.
We gotta switch up go for the more mature woman.
Done a knob, innit.
Seriously though, we gotta go mature.
I so want to see you tonight.
And I so want to see you tonight, but I can't, you know I can't.
I know, I know you're working late, it's Emma's birthday and you promised her, and bla-bla-bla-bla-bla You are so cheeky! But I promised her and we've been mates since we were six, and she's had a rough time since splitting with that lying, cheating, arsehole of a boyfriend blummin' shit! Ooooh! I like it when you're feisty! Yeah? Only when I'm feisty? Because I happen to like you all of the time Tomorrow night, I'm all yours.
What? All of you? All of me.
Even my Oh, that's filth Well you have fun at work.
I'll call you later.
Yeah, call me.
All right.
Bye.
All man wants to know is, did you beat it? This is fucking shit! What is it? I don't fucking need this.
Shit.
Shelley? What she done this time? Left them Chinese love eggs in you again? You got toxic shock, bruv? Stop pissing about.
Fancy a staff training day? Yes! What? Today? Hold up.
Not with that fat, northern prick? Tony the toucher? Yes, Tony the toucher.
Tony the fuckin' toucher, bruv.
(NORTHERN ACCENT) Come on gang, who wants a group hug? Man's always on that grip suck ting.
They spring this shit on me on the day! All right.
Calm down, just a bit of training.
Oh, he'll like you, Christopher.
He likes the keen ones.
He'll wrap you up, take you home for Christmas.
(THEY LAUGH OMINOUSLY) Y'all right, Janine? No, not really.
I've only gone and got a bloody stalker.
She ain't got a stalker! How can a woman be stalked by another woman? Eff that.
Bruv, that ain't a stalker, that's just, like, an opening scene from Ashley's home porn cinema of the mind.
Bruv, she saw this girl starin' at her what, like, twice, at a bus stop or somethin' Man does that 24/7 on the regs.
Bus stop, cake shops, the Co-Op.
Am I a sex pest, because I like to comprehensively appreciate the form of a beautiful, young woman? Does that make man a stalker? Ummm I've gotta say, Janine, does sound like more of a coincidence.
Remember where I saw the same bloke, every day, outside the post office, for two weeks? Turns out he wasn't a stalker.
He was an armed robber, doing his homework.
Do you want another cup of tea? No.
I'm shaking too much to hold the cup.
I'll just have another eclair.
Yeah you finish the three packs.
Well, come downstairs when you're ready.
We've got a staff training day.
Oh, fucking training day! Yeah, well, I'd better You believe me, don't you, Christopher? Yeah no yeah, of course I do.
Thank you.
It's OK.
Sit down.
Bethany Pimlett.
How old? No, bruv, too young.
Look at this A 20-year-old can't comprehend this.
She ain't got language for it.
Shannon Banks outta Miss Selfridges, what? Bruv, I beg of you we was at her 21st last month.
Look, we gotta step up.
Go for the more refined woman who appreciates the mature man.
That's where our game's at now.
Ahhh, bruv, bruv.
Little Big Denise! She must be 30 by now! Little Big Denise who? Little Big Denise! Perry outta Thomas Cook was engaged to her.
She got run over by a squaddie on a quaddie.
You know Denise, had a baby born with a full set of teeth.
Oh, that Denise? Yeah.
But, no! Look at me.
I'm a shadow of my former self.
I'm a wreck.
Where's Janine the party girl? Oh, she's over there, shaking in the darkness.
No! I won't let it happen, Christopher.
I'm gonna take the power.
I'm gonna find her and say You be the girl.
What? You be her.
Look at me.
She looks at me all the time.
No, like this.
That's it.
Um.
I say "Hey, lady I am so bloody flattered that you want to break off a piece of this so much you're willing to stalk me, but I am not a lesbian.
" "I've had my opportunities, you know, had a cuddle off a lady vicar at my Nana's funeral.
" "Nothing stirred.
" "But if I was lock yourself up, cos you wouldn't be safe!" Yeah, what do you think? Yeah, no, it's good.
Do you not think it might just be a coincidence? No, I don't, Christopher! I know a stalker when I see one.
I've put the hours in.
You ask Gary Barlow's mum.
Yes, she's beautiful, yes, she's the right age, but she's got three kids, bruv.
Bruv, she's peng! Listen, I ain't in the market for becomin' a spuncle, you get me? Tony the fat training prick not arrived yet? He should teach himself to arrive on time.
Man better not try and touch me, this time.
I'm gonna take it legal.
Serious.
I ain't gettin' involved in no group hug bullshit, yeah? Man treats it like some fucking Scissor Sisters mosh pit.
I tell you what.
I'm not doing it.
We're not doing it.
We are the second most successful store in the area.
We do not need any soppy bollocks, one-on-one training by a useless, fat prick, who's never worked a day on the shopfloor.
Screw the training day, we're open for business, yeah? Yeah! Yeah! Yes, bruv! Yes, bruv! Yeah! Yes! Manager's decision! Is that all right? The M-bomb just dropped.
Hello.
How is your day? I'm here to help with everything you could possibly desire.
Je m'appelle Jerwayne Sinclair.
Scorpio.
Excuse me, I go by the name of Ashley, yeah.
Please be welcome into our well-appointed store.
Feel free to browse, no commitment to purchase nuffink.
Thank you, please, yeah? Thank you.
I'll deal with this.
Go on.
There's some Twiglets back there, you like those.
I'm Lance, Store Manager, entirely at your disposal.
Do with me as you will.
Wow! I'm impressed! I'm genuinely pleased to meet you.
Oh, and I'm very pleased to meet you.
I'm Davinia St John Brown.
I'm Tony De Mille's business partner.
Fat Tony? Unfortunately, Tony was involved in a car accident this morning.
Fucking hell! No! It's nothing to worry about, it's just that I'm going to replace him for your training session today.
That's terrible! Please, Jah, tell me he's OK! Thankfully, nothing too serious.
A bit shaken, bit of whiplash So definitely no Tony? No.
Good god! Poor Tony, I think I speak for the entire staff, when I say we all think so much of him.
Do you know what, my man's double inspiring, yeah.
He's like an Obamandela.
Obamandela! Yes, yes, very good! You know, it was Tony what taught me, that there's no I-and-I in team.
Right! I love him.
Oh, that's nice! I'm sorry, but in the meantime, I'm afraid you'll have to make do with little old me.
You ain't old, that's crazy.
I don't think that will be a problem, Divine.
Oh, it's Davinia.
Sorry! I was right the first time! Excuse me, people say I have a very dry sense of humour.
They say that about me as well, yeah? I love him.
Great.
I would just like to say, that we'll all be praying for the great man's speedy recovery, yeah, and I hope we can get to share in his immense knowledge of the industry, and its best practices very soon, really.
Oh, I'll be sure to pass your best wishes on to him.
Do you know what? Forgive my sentimentality, but I think it'd be a fitting tribute to Fat Tony Tony if we were to start today's session with the great man's trademark.
(NORTHERN ACCENT) Come on gang, group hug! Group hug! Group hug! Group hug! Right, guys.
Great morning's role-play.
Janine, you were excellent as the customer who was stalking the young salesperson.
Thank you.
I drew on personal experience so, yeah, it got pretty real.
And Christopher, amazing reactions to the stalker.
Well done! Thank you.
Davinia, can I just say, I simply live for role-play.
I became lost in that character.
Yes, your portrayal of Professor Thuglife was very powerful.
And thought-provoking.
I made the line between thuggery and philosophy sheer edu-tainment.
Chase! Woo! Wow.
Do you know what, I've been, like, reborn, re-energised, renaissance-ified.
You know the thing I mean, yeah, like two words, wow wee.
Can we do that thing again, where you're the customer who has the in-store heart attack Sorry, I'd love to, guys, but we don't have enough time.
But if you want to get some fresh air, grab some lunch, have a stretch and be ready for those one-on-one's this afternoon.
Jerwayne, you're up first.
That would be a pleasure for me.
And most definitely for you.
And then for me and you after, innit? OK! See you in a bit.
Christopher? Yeah? You shone in that.
Oh, thank you.
I need your help.
Oh, God.
Right, Christopher, we need to stalk the stalker.
Oh, I thought we were going to grab a fruit break.
No.
We need to get inside the stalker's mindset.
Think, "What would a lesbian have for lunch?" Right, I think you've made that more than clear over the last hour and ten minutes.
I'd like to thank you, Davinia, for teaching me, and I'd like to humbly remind you that teaching is a two-way street.
And that, given the opportunity, I can teach you so much.
Perhaps we can meet this evening and I can give you a masterclass on what my role-play is all about? Thank you, that's very sweet of you, but we really must press on.
Everything all right? I look forward to tonight, Davinia.
There is no tonight, Jerwayne.
Yeah, there's no tonight.
Shut your mouth.
You shut your mouth.
Shut your mouth, bruv.
Lance, aren't I due to see you at 3pm? Yeah.
So would you like to come back then? Yeah, absolutely.
I've got a bit of reading to do, anyway.
I think he gets out in the end.
I love Walking books.
I've got all of Ian Botham's.
Well done, you! Yeah, well done, me.
Tonight Davinia, please forgive my colleagues, they are but Philistines.
Come, sit yourself down, yeah? It's OK.
You can relax now, innit, yeah? I trust the subtle aroma of cinnamon will be mutually conducive to our business explorifications? Well It wasn't exactly what I was expecting.
You know what, a man like me never is.
Davinia, can I ask you a question, please? Just a little something that's been playing on my mind since this morning's session, yeah? Do you like the films of Meryl Streep? So, what's Davinia been saying, then? We didn't talk much, it was more bedroom than boardroom, you get me? Bedroom in your mum's house? Nah Hotel Bedroom.
Mmm! Best Western? Travel Lodge? Single room, no minibar? What you on about? She's not interested in you.
She wants a bit of maturity.
Sophistication.
Someone who knows their way around an Italian salad.
You're so old you'll put your back out drawing down my girl's panty.
Real talk.
Oh? Is that what you think I am? Some sad, old sack? Some grey-haired, old bloater in a pink jumper, who hasn't listened to pop music since the 20th June 1993? Right.
Right.
It's exhausting being me.
This is ridiculous.
It's like looking for a needle in a haystack.
I'll see you back at the shop.
Lance, I've one or two concerns about the teamwork ethic of some of your staff.
It seems that they're rather individualist.
Da da da da da Davinia.
Yes? Do you like the music of Dubstep? No.
I bet you like a lovely Italian salad? Oh, nn-nn-nn-nn! I really think that some of your staff are not on message with the teamwork ethic, Lance.
Rocket! Lance, I Chicory! Maybe, mix it up a bit handful of pine nuts Right.
Lance.
Would you like to take me for a drink? What? A drink.
Would you like to take me for a drink this evening? Really? It's only a drink.
Yeah, of course it is.
What are you scared of? Ghosts.
Nothing! Isn't this what you wanted, Lance? No, no, God, no.
I've got to go to the shop floor, want anything? No.
Two minutes.
Just got to make a phone call.
And so when I confront her, I'll say, "I am so flattered that you find me attractive, yeah, however, I'm not a lesbian".
And then That's the standard, liberal, gay defence.
The old, "I'm really flattered you're attracted to me, however", blah, blah, blah speech.
Janine, this ain't gonna happen.
There is no stalker.
You seein' this woman is like.
.
Pure coincidence.
And, so, that's why she's followed me here twice, is it, Jerwayne? Oh, my God, really? In that case, I got a stalker Seriously for you, baby, yeah! Janine, you know what.
Is he hiding down there, between two rocks in the bushes, just winking at me? Thought so.
I won't bother confronting him, it'll only be a disappointment.
You just got anti-bantered, bruv.
I've got Davinia on lock.
Trust me! Don't lie.
Bruv, I ain't lyin'.
When man turns his swag on, resistance is futile, bwoy! Yeah? Well, maybe Uncle Ashy will be getting busy with a certain mature lady this evening, exchanging sophisticated laughter and bon fucking mots whilst sippin' on 'yac in front of a open fire.
Bruv, don't hype Your mum ain't got no open fire, innit.
Oh! OK, we're going to Mum's, yeah? Play it your way, bruv, let's see who comes in tomorrow with grey pubes in his teeth.
Let's, bruv.
No.
I'm not going.
But you're my best friend.
I've only been your "best friend" since this morning.
Why do I have to go? Because I could be vulnerable.
And because you look like a lesbian.
I don't look like a lesbian! Do it for the girl.
What's the matter with you? Why you being so heartless? Go on.
POUNDING MUSIC I am so flattered that you find me attractive, yeah? However Yeah! I don't think that would work, would it? Hello.
What do you think of this? I am so flattered Fuck it! Lance! Davinia! You're here.
Yeah! Come join the gang.
Gang? Yes.
The gang.
The gang? Bruv, what you doing here? What you doing here? Yeah, what you both doing here? Nah, man, what you doing here? Yeah, what are you doing here, and you! Davinia? And how is my favourite team this evening? Come on, gang.
Group hug! See, Janine, it was just a coincidence He's so adorable.
The other day Look on the bright side, we've made some lovely new friends! He surprised me after work and took me for a picnic.
Come on then, all up Chicagos! Christopher? It's Uh No it's just girlfriends don't wave at her Just having All girls, out together Why? ARGUING Why you always like that with a banner, innit? Bruv, shut your mouth! I got in quite early.
Just caught the arse end of the Richard Hammond Story on Channel Five.
It was shit.
It's her.
That's the stalker excuse me! Excuse me! No, no, please don't go I need to speak to you.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry, I just got carried away, I've never It was just a silly, stupid crush.
Look I am so flattered that you find me attractive.
What? It's not you! Why would it be you?! (WHISPERS) It's the other girl.
(WHISPERS) What other girl? The one who wears the suits.
Her.
Look, I'm really, really flattered that you find me attractive, however no.
Just No.