PhoneShop (2009) s03e01 Episode Script
Baking Bad
1 Lovely! So you told her to keep her shoes on? Nice.
Yeah, I didn't want to see her dry foot, innit.
You boys all right? Yeah.
You all right? Oh, yeah.
Couldn't be better.
I was cleaning out the shed on Sunday and guess what I found? Fiesta Girls of Summer? No! Fat, Forty and Freckled? Reader's Wives' Sisters? No! They're in the loft.
I found this.
What, man found a empty bag? Well done.
Oh, it wasn't empty.
It was full.
Full of ganj! What? Weed? No, Jerwayne.
Ganj.
What are you doing with a bag of weed? I was saving it for the day that UB40 got back together, but I can't wait for that.
Have you boys heard of the skunk? It's a very, very strong kind of ganj.
Shut your mouth! Man grew up on that.
That was like breast milk to me.
No, this is the strong stuff.
This is double skunk.
Very, very naughty gear.
What you doin', Lance? You start shottin' weed, rude boy? Nah.
I've been beeykin'.
What? I've been beeykin'.
What you talkin' about, bruv? I've been beeykin'.
Beeykin'! Beeykin' what? Beeykin' a fuckin' barm cake? He's beeykin' a barm cake? He been beeykin' a barm cake, like a big bloody bugga! No, no, no, no.
Beeykin', bakin'.
Baking.
Baking cakes to celebrate the fact that I've finally been accepted into the WMRC! You sayin' that like we should know what it is.
The WMRC? You don't know what the WMRC is? No.
You should do.
Why me? It's the White Man Reggae Club! What? The White Man Reggae Club? Yeah.
It's a place where white men can go and listen to reggae in the company of other white men, and dance without embarrassing themselves in front of black men.
It was set up with a grant from Aswad in 1989.
It's a fabulous idea.
I've finally got in! I'm being enrolled tonight.
Fuckin' hell! This bakin' you've been doin'? Yeah? What exactly was you bakin'? Muffins.
Skunky Muffins.
Skuffins.
I'm taking them along tonight.
You're supposed to take an offering to Jah.
Well, Jeremy, he's the bloke who runs it.
I left them cooling down over there on the wire rack.
Where've they gone? Bruv, I thought they was room cakes? Room cakes? Cakes for the room.
Cakes for the room? You leave food in a room, it's gonna get ate.
To me, that's fair game.
It's like fruit on a fuckin' tree.
Yeah, but where've they gone? It got ate.
It got ate? It got ate.
What? You've? It got ate.
I ate it.
You ate it.
She ate it.
He ate it.
We ate it.
It all got ate.
Ate ate.
It's ate.
I made a bloody load of them.
There's only two left.
Bruv, it's a bit of weed in a bun.
Why you stressin'? Jerwayne, that was a lot of very strong ganj! Bruv, shut your mouth.
When us man was youts, yeah, man a blaze a quartz a day, standard.
That was just a slow day.
I'll wax that off and run a mile still, rude boy.
Trust me.
Man can take this all day long and still smash target.
SOS! Stoned on shop floor.
Listen, it ain't us you gotta worry bout, bruv, trust me.
It's dem weak ones der you need to be looking at.
Good luck, boss.
Oh, God! Have a can o' Lilt and just chill, mon.
Yo, Lance.
Free da weed, yeah? I beg you don't leave me.
Don't leave me.
I beg you.
Don't.
Leave.
Me.
I thought I could cope but I can't, I can't cope.
Jerwayne? Yeah? I've been here for an hour and a half.
No! I've got to go.
I know, but I'm goin' through things right now that I can't deal with.
I beg you.
I.
Beg.
You.
Jerwayne! Yeah? Da, da, da, da, da.
Da, da, da, da, da.
Good boy.
Da, da, da, da, da, da.
Da, da, da, da, da.
No! It's nice.
Nice, nice.
It's nice.
It's nice.
It's nice.
Close your eyes.
Yeah.
Close your eyes.
Good boy.
There.
No, it's nice! Nice! Boo, doo, da, da, da, da.
Boo, doo, doo, doo.
Boo, doo, da, da, da.
Boo, doo, doo, da, da, da, da.
Boo, doo, da, da, da.
Boo, doo, do, do.
Boo, doo doo, doo, da, da.
Boo, doo doo, do, da, da, da, da.
Da, da, da, da.
Boo, doo, da, da, da, da, da Boo, da, da, da, da.
Boo, da, da, da.
Boo, da, da, da.
Boo, da.
Lance? Oh, shit! Lance, is that you? Yes.
Lance I can't believe it's you.
Oh, Christ! I gotta tell you, bruv.
Conversation fragments my mind.
Yeah, course it does.
I beg you, don't leave me, bruv, I beg you.
Ashley, I've got a million things to do, I've got no bloody ganj for tonight.
Blood.
Yes? Can I talk with you again, please? Yes.
I know I've run you down and I've boyed you off a number of times.
I boyed you off well I boyed you off well, but I love you, bruv, And it would help me immeasurably right now to know that you love me too.
Oh, Christ! Lance! Can you hear that? What? I think it's a police siren.
Oh! Might be a couple of them.
What? What's happenin'? It sounds awful.
Boo, doo, da, da, da, da, da.
Boo, doo, da, da, da, da.
Boo, doo, da, da, da, da, da.
Boo, doo, da, da, da, da, da.
Thank you.
Boo, da, da How you feeling, Janine? You all right? Terrified.
I've never done drugs.
Well, once I took ketamine to impress a vet.
Anyway, I've gone through it and the best thing is just hunker down and ride out the first phase.
I know what's coming, I've spoken to Frank.
We're talking tetrahydrocannabinol induced anxiety, dilation and long-term fertility risks.
I thought I detected nerve damage numbness earlier, but I was just sitting on a copy of the Thomson Local.
Right? Yeah, but it won't be long.
We're in countdown now, Lance.
I've stockpiled ten tins of cling peaches, a fiddler-sized pack of snide Haribo, a little panic whistle and a cloth to bite down on.
A cassette copy of Bridge Over Troubled Water, and I'm not gonna bother with the adult nappies.
Janine.
I just want to say, before I go under You're a good man, Lance.
See you on the other side.
Right.
Don't worry about me, I'm fine.
I've got it all written down.
Uhhh.
You all right, Christopher? Yeah.
Fine.
You feeling all right? Feeling fine.
Why? Oh, nothing.
You sure? Positive.
You didn't, er You didn't have any of those muffins this morning? Yeah! I did, they were lovely.
I had two.
Well, two and a half Best part of three.
Greedy guts! And you're feeling all right, are you? Yeah, fine.
Well, a bit full but Yeah.
Well, you would do.
Thank God for that.
Chris.
Oh, right.
Hello, ladies.
Welcome to PhoneShop Sutton.
How's your day doing today, please? Can I interest you in a phone or a Oh, you've dropped this Christopher! This is it - I'm a junkie! He's a junkie.
You're not a junkie.
I'm on the gear! He's on the gear.
Christopher, you're not on the gear, you've accidentally eaten some Reggae cake.
I'm off it.
I'm doolally.
He's on one.
He's not on one.
What is being "on one"? He's just getting right on it.
What? I'm wearing eyeliner.
I did it for him.
That's not eyeliner, it's biro.
Shit.
And I'm dangerous.
You're not dangerous.
Show him how dangerous you are.
Watch this.
Classic self-harmer.
Didn't hurt! Immune to pain.
Junkie.
Christopher, are you all right? I've got a head full of dreams and an armful of holes, Lance.
No, you haven't.
You've just winded yourself.
He'll be shitting himself in the doorway of the KFC next.
Janine, stop it! You can't stop the hustle, Lance.
Christopher, I think you need to go home and have a little lie down.
Home, Lance? Home is where the hatred is.
What? Gil Scott-Heron.
Another junkie.
Oh, it's so dead around here! So dead.
I'm just hemmed in by you lot.
Look at you all! You'll never do nothing, and you've never done nothing.
You're so fucking dead.
That's the junk talking.
Watch this! Da da! And with that phhhh! He was gone! Still here.
He's still here.
Then he was gone.
Now I'm going.
And now I'm gone.
Shhhh.
Phhhh! You're not going with him? I would, but I can't be arsed.
Is this phase two? Ooh, it might be! Hello, Lance.
I was just wondering if perchance you might be able to advance me a mere £20? Offset against my future earnings, of course, dear boy.
What? No! Oh, fuck off, then! How dare you? Christopher! What? Put it back.
What? Put it back.
I haven't Uhhh, ha ha! What's that doing in there? Weird.
I didn't want it anyway.
Do it yourself.
Skins make it seem so glamorous.
Yeah.
Breathe.
Breathe, yeah? I can't breathe! I'm dying.
I am dying! This is it.
This is really it, I'm dying.
Tell my mum I love her! No, don't do this, don't do this.
You've got to stay positive, bruv.
Breath, breathe, breathe.
I can't breathe either! I can't breathe either! I think I'm having a heart attack.
I'm having a heart attack, I'm actually having a heart attack.
I'm having a heart attack, I'm going.
I swear, I'm going, bruv.
Tell your mum, yeah, tell your mum I love her! You've got to breathe, though, bruv.
You've got to breathe, bruv.
Breathe, breathe! Breathe, bruv! Oh, no! Oh, no! It's happening again, I'm going this time.
I'm really dying.
Grandma! Grandma! Grandma! Tell Grandad I'm coming! Put the kettle on Grandad, put the kettle Oh, not the tongues! Not the tongues, man, not the tongues, man! You've got to snap out of it, man.
Come on, come on, come on! I'm sorry, bruv, I'm sorry.
Oooh! I'm so sorry! I'm sorry! Thank you! Thank you! What's happening to us, man? The drugs are tearing us apart! I can't get through this! Just get through this, man.
I can't get through this! Gotta Just focus, man.
You've gotta get through this, man.
I gotta get through this.
I gotta get through this! Bom, bom, bom! I gotta get through this! Bom, bom, bom.
I gotta make it, gotta make it gotta make it through I gotta get through this Bom, bom, bom.
Gotta get through this Bom, bom, bom.
I gotta make it, gotta make it gotta make it through Bom, bom, bom! Gotta get through this Gotta get through this Bom, bom, bom Gotta make it gotta make it through Bom, bom, bom Bom, bom, bom! Right! Right! I'm gonna go do something very facking 'orrible! Yeah? Who wants Ah, you You can off.
Who wants some of it? Yes? No? Shithouses! It's true, he shouts.
Aaaaaah! That's mine! Look at me! Look at me! Don't look at me! Suck out, you brats! Cheerio, caaaaaa! All right? Hello.
Aah! Oh, God! Oh, God! Lads! Lads! It's me! Janine! Oh, you've missed a lot.
Christopher's a junkie.
Another soldier lost in this crazy war we call life! Yeah.
He's changed.
Running around, boasting about not washing his hands after using the toilet.
Mine's not kicked in yet.
I had a Berocca this morning, so I think that's delayed things.
Janine! Janine! Can I tell you something? Yes, poppet! I keep on thinking that I'm a twin.
No! Yes! And you know what's weird is so does my twin! Mate! I know I'm going to get that! I put a photo of myself by the mirror in the staff toilet in case I forget who I am.
Oh! I done a fart, but I didn't know what it was.
I started crying cos I couldn't understand it.
Textbook.
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen! I don't mean to embarrass anyone.
I don't drink, I don't take drugs.
I do.
I've got the cunning of a junkie.
Phhh.
I'm just trying to get a little bit of train fare to get back to Hastings for the night.
I'm not.
I'm going to spend it on gear.
So if you could see your way to sparing me a couple of pennies, ladies and gents, it would be most appreciated.
God bless you.
Please.
Just a couple Junior! Junior! That's where you are! All right! All fuck I've had it up to here with your fucking mouth! Don't you fucking talk to me like that! Have a little bit of fucking respect for me! Cunt! Aaaahhh.
Who's she? It's Lorraine! All right? It's Lorraine.
It's Lorraine.
I love her.
But I hate her.
It's the junkie's paradox, Lance.
I met her round the back of the bus station, yeah? We had a bit of a cuddle up.
And now she's got her fucking hooks right into me! I tell you I tell you something.
She don't own me.
You don't fucking own me! I do own you! I own you.
I own that.
I'm getting that later! Yeah? Oh, shit.
Lance! Hello, Lance.
Can you give us 20 can you lend us 20 qu Make it 40 Fuck it, £50! Eh? There's a good boy.
No, Christopher.
No? No! Is that how you want to treat me, Lance? Is that how you want to treat Junior? Cos I tell you what, Lance, you do not want to fuck with Junior.
Junior! The baby's hungry, yeah? Oooh! Right! What are you doing, Christopher? I'm a one-man crime wave! That one, pick that one there! This is how riots start, mate! Get the contract.
.
the contract ones are the most expensive! Summer 2011! Croydon for life! Nice to meet you! Bye! Lorraine! Stop flirting! He's nice! Stop flirting! Fucking! Fuck off! Cash Converters! Come on! And so, he put the advert in the classified section of the newspaper and it turns out that the woman who turned up to meet him at a bar called O'Malley's was actually his wife.
So the woman who liked makin' love at midnight In the dunes, on the Cape was his wife?! Yeah.
That is the most beautiful story I ever heard in my life.
Tell nobody about these tears.
Shh, please! What's that?! Any problems at all, just give me a ring.
I'm the manager, so I'll sort Excuse me, Sir.
Do you know this gentleman? He says he's one of yours.
Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
Good.
Because he's in a lot of trouble.
A lot of trouble.
And now you are too.
Is there somewhere we could talk, Sir? Yeah.
We found him in Phones4U demanding refunds on 25 non-functioning, plastic display phones.
He was fairly aggressive.
That makes a change.
That was after we'd tracked him on CCTV defecating in the doorway of the KFC.
Ooh! I don't know what to say, officers, he's gone off the rails.
I think it might be drugs.
So it would seem, Sir.
Muffin? Ooh.
Lovely.
Yes, please.
I'm a bugger for a muffin.
Aren't you, Kerry? Ooh, I do like a muffin.
It's moist.
I didn't know you were in the White Man Reggae Club.
I've just had my membership accepted.
Congratulations, brethren! You going along tonight? Well, I was, but I've got nothing to take with me, if you know what I mean Oh you mean a bit of the A bit of the old Yeah, exactly.
You know the old Oh, really? I think you'd better come with us, Sir.
Oh, God, they've got Lance.
Janine, what we going to do? They're coming for us next.
Look, I can't go prison.
I'm too good-looking.
Look at me.
Look at this! Men get torn apart in there like a Peshwari naan on a rugby club curry night.
Oh! Oh! Jesus Christ.
Look at that! People go on about Stop and Search, but we don't have any problems with it.
Have you heard of the skunk, Lance? I'll say.
Yeah? Well, THIS is triple skunk.
Oh! Very naughty gear.
What?! Piss off! This is the best night of my life! Africaaa! As part of my ongoing commitment to sobriety and a life without drugs, I have to apologise to those people that I've hurt and caused distress to.
So, Jerwayne, I apologise to you.
It's cool, bruv.
Thank you.
Ashley, I apologise to you.
Safe, safe Janine Save your apologies till mine kicks in, there's no, there's no telling what I'll do, so Right, thank you.
Ain't seen him.
He hasn't been answering his phone.
Ladies and gentlemen, I don't mean to embarrass anybody, I do drink, I do take drugs.
I just need a few pennies to help me get back to Sutton for the day.
God bless.
Senior! Aw! That's where you are! Retort is a FremantleMedia company.
Stop eating chips on a bus! And take your feet off the seat!
Yeah, I didn't want to see her dry foot, innit.
You boys all right? Yeah.
You all right? Oh, yeah.
Couldn't be better.
I was cleaning out the shed on Sunday and guess what I found? Fiesta Girls of Summer? No! Fat, Forty and Freckled? Reader's Wives' Sisters? No! They're in the loft.
I found this.
What, man found a empty bag? Well done.
Oh, it wasn't empty.
It was full.
Full of ganj! What? Weed? No, Jerwayne.
Ganj.
What are you doing with a bag of weed? I was saving it for the day that UB40 got back together, but I can't wait for that.
Have you boys heard of the skunk? It's a very, very strong kind of ganj.
Shut your mouth! Man grew up on that.
That was like breast milk to me.
No, this is the strong stuff.
This is double skunk.
Very, very naughty gear.
What you doin', Lance? You start shottin' weed, rude boy? Nah.
I've been beeykin'.
What? I've been beeykin'.
What you talkin' about, bruv? I've been beeykin'.
Beeykin'! Beeykin' what? Beeykin' a fuckin' barm cake? He's beeykin' a barm cake? He been beeykin' a barm cake, like a big bloody bugga! No, no, no, no.
Beeykin', bakin'.
Baking.
Baking cakes to celebrate the fact that I've finally been accepted into the WMRC! You sayin' that like we should know what it is.
The WMRC? You don't know what the WMRC is? No.
You should do.
Why me? It's the White Man Reggae Club! What? The White Man Reggae Club? Yeah.
It's a place where white men can go and listen to reggae in the company of other white men, and dance without embarrassing themselves in front of black men.
It was set up with a grant from Aswad in 1989.
It's a fabulous idea.
I've finally got in! I'm being enrolled tonight.
Fuckin' hell! This bakin' you've been doin'? Yeah? What exactly was you bakin'? Muffins.
Skunky Muffins.
Skuffins.
I'm taking them along tonight.
You're supposed to take an offering to Jah.
Well, Jeremy, he's the bloke who runs it.
I left them cooling down over there on the wire rack.
Where've they gone? Bruv, I thought they was room cakes? Room cakes? Cakes for the room.
Cakes for the room? You leave food in a room, it's gonna get ate.
To me, that's fair game.
It's like fruit on a fuckin' tree.
Yeah, but where've they gone? It got ate.
It got ate? It got ate.
What? You've? It got ate.
I ate it.
You ate it.
She ate it.
He ate it.
We ate it.
It all got ate.
Ate ate.
It's ate.
I made a bloody load of them.
There's only two left.
Bruv, it's a bit of weed in a bun.
Why you stressin'? Jerwayne, that was a lot of very strong ganj! Bruv, shut your mouth.
When us man was youts, yeah, man a blaze a quartz a day, standard.
That was just a slow day.
I'll wax that off and run a mile still, rude boy.
Trust me.
Man can take this all day long and still smash target.
SOS! Stoned on shop floor.
Listen, it ain't us you gotta worry bout, bruv, trust me.
It's dem weak ones der you need to be looking at.
Good luck, boss.
Oh, God! Have a can o' Lilt and just chill, mon.
Yo, Lance.
Free da weed, yeah? I beg you don't leave me.
Don't leave me.
I beg you.
Don't.
Leave.
Me.
I thought I could cope but I can't, I can't cope.
Jerwayne? Yeah? I've been here for an hour and a half.
No! I've got to go.
I know, but I'm goin' through things right now that I can't deal with.
I beg you.
I.
Beg.
You.
Jerwayne! Yeah? Da, da, da, da, da.
Da, da, da, da, da.
Good boy.
Da, da, da, da, da, da.
Da, da, da, da, da.
No! It's nice.
Nice, nice.
It's nice.
It's nice.
It's nice.
Close your eyes.
Yeah.
Close your eyes.
Good boy.
There.
No, it's nice! Nice! Boo, doo, da, da, da, da.
Boo, doo, doo, doo.
Boo, doo, da, da, da.
Boo, doo, doo, da, da, da, da.
Boo, doo, da, da, da.
Boo, doo, do, do.
Boo, doo doo, doo, da, da.
Boo, doo doo, do, da, da, da, da.
Da, da, da, da.
Boo, doo, da, da, da, da, da Boo, da, da, da, da.
Boo, da, da, da.
Boo, da, da, da.
Boo, da.
Lance? Oh, shit! Lance, is that you? Yes.
Lance I can't believe it's you.
Oh, Christ! I gotta tell you, bruv.
Conversation fragments my mind.
Yeah, course it does.
I beg you, don't leave me, bruv, I beg you.
Ashley, I've got a million things to do, I've got no bloody ganj for tonight.
Blood.
Yes? Can I talk with you again, please? Yes.
I know I've run you down and I've boyed you off a number of times.
I boyed you off well I boyed you off well, but I love you, bruv, And it would help me immeasurably right now to know that you love me too.
Oh, Christ! Lance! Can you hear that? What? I think it's a police siren.
Oh! Might be a couple of them.
What? What's happenin'? It sounds awful.
Boo, doo, da, da, da, da, da.
Boo, doo, da, da, da, da.
Boo, doo, da, da, da, da, da.
Boo, doo, da, da, da, da, da.
Thank you.
Boo, da, da How you feeling, Janine? You all right? Terrified.
I've never done drugs.
Well, once I took ketamine to impress a vet.
Anyway, I've gone through it and the best thing is just hunker down and ride out the first phase.
I know what's coming, I've spoken to Frank.
We're talking tetrahydrocannabinol induced anxiety, dilation and long-term fertility risks.
I thought I detected nerve damage numbness earlier, but I was just sitting on a copy of the Thomson Local.
Right? Yeah, but it won't be long.
We're in countdown now, Lance.
I've stockpiled ten tins of cling peaches, a fiddler-sized pack of snide Haribo, a little panic whistle and a cloth to bite down on.
A cassette copy of Bridge Over Troubled Water, and I'm not gonna bother with the adult nappies.
Janine.
I just want to say, before I go under You're a good man, Lance.
See you on the other side.
Right.
Don't worry about me, I'm fine.
I've got it all written down.
Uhhh.
You all right, Christopher? Yeah.
Fine.
You feeling all right? Feeling fine.
Why? Oh, nothing.
You sure? Positive.
You didn't, er You didn't have any of those muffins this morning? Yeah! I did, they were lovely.
I had two.
Well, two and a half Best part of three.
Greedy guts! And you're feeling all right, are you? Yeah, fine.
Well, a bit full but Yeah.
Well, you would do.
Thank God for that.
Chris.
Oh, right.
Hello, ladies.
Welcome to PhoneShop Sutton.
How's your day doing today, please? Can I interest you in a phone or a Oh, you've dropped this Christopher! This is it - I'm a junkie! He's a junkie.
You're not a junkie.
I'm on the gear! He's on the gear.
Christopher, you're not on the gear, you've accidentally eaten some Reggae cake.
I'm off it.
I'm doolally.
He's on one.
He's not on one.
What is being "on one"? He's just getting right on it.
What? I'm wearing eyeliner.
I did it for him.
That's not eyeliner, it's biro.
Shit.
And I'm dangerous.
You're not dangerous.
Show him how dangerous you are.
Watch this.
Classic self-harmer.
Didn't hurt! Immune to pain.
Junkie.
Christopher, are you all right? I've got a head full of dreams and an armful of holes, Lance.
No, you haven't.
You've just winded yourself.
He'll be shitting himself in the doorway of the KFC next.
Janine, stop it! You can't stop the hustle, Lance.
Christopher, I think you need to go home and have a little lie down.
Home, Lance? Home is where the hatred is.
What? Gil Scott-Heron.
Another junkie.
Oh, it's so dead around here! So dead.
I'm just hemmed in by you lot.
Look at you all! You'll never do nothing, and you've never done nothing.
You're so fucking dead.
That's the junk talking.
Watch this! Da da! And with that phhhh! He was gone! Still here.
He's still here.
Then he was gone.
Now I'm going.
And now I'm gone.
Shhhh.
Phhhh! You're not going with him? I would, but I can't be arsed.
Is this phase two? Ooh, it might be! Hello, Lance.
I was just wondering if perchance you might be able to advance me a mere £20? Offset against my future earnings, of course, dear boy.
What? No! Oh, fuck off, then! How dare you? Christopher! What? Put it back.
What? Put it back.
I haven't Uhhh, ha ha! What's that doing in there? Weird.
I didn't want it anyway.
Do it yourself.
Skins make it seem so glamorous.
Yeah.
Breathe.
Breathe, yeah? I can't breathe! I'm dying.
I am dying! This is it.
This is really it, I'm dying.
Tell my mum I love her! No, don't do this, don't do this.
You've got to stay positive, bruv.
Breath, breathe, breathe.
I can't breathe either! I can't breathe either! I think I'm having a heart attack.
I'm having a heart attack, I'm actually having a heart attack.
I'm having a heart attack, I'm going.
I swear, I'm going, bruv.
Tell your mum, yeah, tell your mum I love her! You've got to breathe, though, bruv.
You've got to breathe, bruv.
Breathe, breathe! Breathe, bruv! Oh, no! Oh, no! It's happening again, I'm going this time.
I'm really dying.
Grandma! Grandma! Grandma! Tell Grandad I'm coming! Put the kettle on Grandad, put the kettle Oh, not the tongues! Not the tongues, man, not the tongues, man! You've got to snap out of it, man.
Come on, come on, come on! I'm sorry, bruv, I'm sorry.
Oooh! I'm so sorry! I'm sorry! Thank you! Thank you! What's happening to us, man? The drugs are tearing us apart! I can't get through this! Just get through this, man.
I can't get through this! Gotta Just focus, man.
You've gotta get through this, man.
I gotta get through this.
I gotta get through this! Bom, bom, bom! I gotta get through this! Bom, bom, bom.
I gotta make it, gotta make it gotta make it through I gotta get through this Bom, bom, bom.
Gotta get through this Bom, bom, bom.
I gotta make it, gotta make it gotta make it through Bom, bom, bom! Gotta get through this Gotta get through this Bom, bom, bom Gotta make it gotta make it through Bom, bom, bom Bom, bom, bom! Right! Right! I'm gonna go do something very facking 'orrible! Yeah? Who wants Ah, you You can off.
Who wants some of it? Yes? No? Shithouses! It's true, he shouts.
Aaaaaah! That's mine! Look at me! Look at me! Don't look at me! Suck out, you brats! Cheerio, caaaaaa! All right? Hello.
Aah! Oh, God! Oh, God! Lads! Lads! It's me! Janine! Oh, you've missed a lot.
Christopher's a junkie.
Another soldier lost in this crazy war we call life! Yeah.
He's changed.
Running around, boasting about not washing his hands after using the toilet.
Mine's not kicked in yet.
I had a Berocca this morning, so I think that's delayed things.
Janine! Janine! Can I tell you something? Yes, poppet! I keep on thinking that I'm a twin.
No! Yes! And you know what's weird is so does my twin! Mate! I know I'm going to get that! I put a photo of myself by the mirror in the staff toilet in case I forget who I am.
Oh! I done a fart, but I didn't know what it was.
I started crying cos I couldn't understand it.
Textbook.
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen! I don't mean to embarrass anyone.
I don't drink, I don't take drugs.
I do.
I've got the cunning of a junkie.
Phhh.
I'm just trying to get a little bit of train fare to get back to Hastings for the night.
I'm not.
I'm going to spend it on gear.
So if you could see your way to sparing me a couple of pennies, ladies and gents, it would be most appreciated.
God bless you.
Please.
Just a couple Junior! Junior! That's where you are! All right! All fuck I've had it up to here with your fucking mouth! Don't you fucking talk to me like that! Have a little bit of fucking respect for me! Cunt! Aaaahhh.
Who's she? It's Lorraine! All right? It's Lorraine.
It's Lorraine.
I love her.
But I hate her.
It's the junkie's paradox, Lance.
I met her round the back of the bus station, yeah? We had a bit of a cuddle up.
And now she's got her fucking hooks right into me! I tell you I tell you something.
She don't own me.
You don't fucking own me! I do own you! I own you.
I own that.
I'm getting that later! Yeah? Oh, shit.
Lance! Hello, Lance.
Can you give us 20 can you lend us 20 qu Make it 40 Fuck it, £50! Eh? There's a good boy.
No, Christopher.
No? No! Is that how you want to treat me, Lance? Is that how you want to treat Junior? Cos I tell you what, Lance, you do not want to fuck with Junior.
Junior! The baby's hungry, yeah? Oooh! Right! What are you doing, Christopher? I'm a one-man crime wave! That one, pick that one there! This is how riots start, mate! Get the contract.
.
the contract ones are the most expensive! Summer 2011! Croydon for life! Nice to meet you! Bye! Lorraine! Stop flirting! He's nice! Stop flirting! Fucking! Fuck off! Cash Converters! Come on! And so, he put the advert in the classified section of the newspaper and it turns out that the woman who turned up to meet him at a bar called O'Malley's was actually his wife.
So the woman who liked makin' love at midnight In the dunes, on the Cape was his wife?! Yeah.
That is the most beautiful story I ever heard in my life.
Tell nobody about these tears.
Shh, please! What's that?! Any problems at all, just give me a ring.
I'm the manager, so I'll sort Excuse me, Sir.
Do you know this gentleman? He says he's one of yours.
Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
Good.
Because he's in a lot of trouble.
A lot of trouble.
And now you are too.
Is there somewhere we could talk, Sir? Yeah.
We found him in Phones4U demanding refunds on 25 non-functioning, plastic display phones.
He was fairly aggressive.
That makes a change.
That was after we'd tracked him on CCTV defecating in the doorway of the KFC.
Ooh! I don't know what to say, officers, he's gone off the rails.
I think it might be drugs.
So it would seem, Sir.
Muffin? Ooh.
Lovely.
Yes, please.
I'm a bugger for a muffin.
Aren't you, Kerry? Ooh, I do like a muffin.
It's moist.
I didn't know you were in the White Man Reggae Club.
I've just had my membership accepted.
Congratulations, brethren! You going along tonight? Well, I was, but I've got nothing to take with me, if you know what I mean Oh you mean a bit of the A bit of the old Yeah, exactly.
You know the old Oh, really? I think you'd better come with us, Sir.
Oh, God, they've got Lance.
Janine, what we going to do? They're coming for us next.
Look, I can't go prison.
I'm too good-looking.
Look at me.
Look at this! Men get torn apart in there like a Peshwari naan on a rugby club curry night.
Oh! Oh! Jesus Christ.
Look at that! People go on about Stop and Search, but we don't have any problems with it.
Have you heard of the skunk, Lance? I'll say.
Yeah? Well, THIS is triple skunk.
Oh! Very naughty gear.
What?! Piss off! This is the best night of my life! Africaaa! As part of my ongoing commitment to sobriety and a life without drugs, I have to apologise to those people that I've hurt and caused distress to.
So, Jerwayne, I apologise to you.
It's cool, bruv.
Thank you.
Ashley, I apologise to you.
Safe, safe Janine Save your apologies till mine kicks in, there's no, there's no telling what I'll do, so Right, thank you.
Ain't seen him.
He hasn't been answering his phone.
Ladies and gentlemen, I don't mean to embarrass anybody, I do drink, I do take drugs.
I just need a few pennies to help me get back to Sutton for the day.
God bless.
Senior! Aw! That's where you are! Retort is a FremantleMedia company.
Stop eating chips on a bus! And take your feet off the seat!