PhoneShop (2009) s03e04 Episode Script
#GoodTimes
1 That there is what success looks like.
The Golden Bowl.
Boom! I don't get it.
What's he doing with his hand down a toilet? Man's reaching for his phone, innit? What's his phone doing in the toilet? And why is there a trophy for it? Man was simply wiping the seat for the benefit of the next toilet user.
Very considerate act in this age of compromised hygienic standards.
When shhlop! The phone slips out of the top pocket of his shirt.
"Oh, my gosh! Where has my precious phone gone?" And bloop! Tu-tu-tu-tu-tu-tu-tu-tu-tu! It lands deep in the U-bend of THA public toilet.
Eurgh! Wooh! Yeah? "Oh, my gosh! "I can't believe my irreplaceable phone has been lost down there.
"What am I going to doooo?" That's a dead phone.
Handset down.
Funeral at sea.
That phone, Newman, is now compromised with what we in the business call OPPAPS.
OPPAPS? Other People's Piss And Probably Shit.
Right.
I still don't understand why there's a trophy for it.
It's the Golden Bowl, bruv.
The Golden Bowl! This is the most coveted trophy amongst all salesmans in the PhoneShop Group nationwide! Yeah? Them Scouseman up PhoneShop Liverpool? They ain't got this! Them Geordie mans up in Manchester PhoneShop? THEY ain't got this! Them Macca Wacca Jockeyman up Glasgow Highlands PhoneShop? They ain't got this! They got a bowl of porridge and fuck all else.
Yeah, right.
But what's it for? Picking phones out of toilets? This trophy is awarded to the store that has consistently excelled at and set new industry-wide standards in the mis-selling of mobile phone insurance.
Right.
Course it is.
Cos if there's one thing we're better at than selling Is mis-selling! Now, you don't need to worry about the cost of tonight's Celebrity Champagne Reception because we won't be using real Cava or any real celebrities.
Err The stuff's started arriving downstairs Here, Janine.
You heard of Twitter? Read that.
"I am watching BBC News 24.
Just off for a wee.
"Might have a snack.
" Read the next one.
"Didn't have a wee.
Did have a snack.
" Carry on.
Next one's a belter.
"I am at Morrisons.
Not a very good fish counter.
" Scroll down.
"A great fish counter.
" Not a very good fish counter A great fish counter! They've got a great fish counter! It's a jokey plug.
I'm playing with the form and trying to get some discount halibut.
Lance, we are going to have a shop full of people in here this evening for the National Association of Insurance Losers' Seminar and we need decisions made.
So, bubble machine or dry ice? Yeah? One says party.
The other says menace.
Read that.
Last one.
"Costa Coffee.
Having a coffee.
"Good times.
" That's a classic.
Yeah, I love that.
It's more laid back than the first two.
I think, as a writer, Janine, I'm really developing my own style.
OK.
After party, Cafe Rouge.
After after party, Subway.
Oh! Richard Hammond's just had a biscuit.
What? Nutter! Ohh! What do you mean, it's dishonest? Everything's dishonest, bruv! You claiming to be a PhoneShop salesman? That's dishonest, bruv.
It's misleading people.
Look, look, look! Newms! OK.
There's a beautiful girl, yeah? And she's interested in you.
Unlikely.
And for some reason, she wants to talk to you.
To YOU, Newms! Now, are you going to be straight with this girl, yeah? You going to be, like, "You know, I live at home with my mum and dad, "and my life ain't really going nowhere, really"? "And I have a problem with premature ejaculation"? That was once and she surprised me by lighting a cigarette while we were still doing it.
So, for the record, not a problem.
There you go.
You're doing it now, bruv! You're talking it up, innit? That's what we do.
That's our job.
Look.
You're in the first world! You're in the West! What you got to worry about? Fuck all, mate! How white your teeth are? Oh, my God! They've run out of soya milk at Starbucks! I don't have soya.
I've almond milk.
That's what we do.
We talk up the worry.
We talk up the risk.
Yeah? It's what we do all day, every day, yeah? Talk up the worry.
Talk up the risk.
Selling insurance ain't no different.
No, bruv.
We're just talking up the risk.
Switch on, bruv! Be a fucking man, innit? Yeah.
Switch on! It's dishonest and it's misleading! They showed me the trophy they won.
Yeah, the Golden Bowl.
They're very proud of that.
Yeah, for mis-selling insurance! Are you not embarrassed by that, Lance, or angry? Between you and I, Christopher, I was furious.
Good! So you should be.
Yes, I should be.
I just missed out on the Golden Eye Patch.
What? The Golden Eye Patch.
It's awarded to managers for consistently turning a blind eye to business malpractice.
I'm not without regrets, Christopher.
I give up.
I tried.
Oh, yeah? Well you can fuck off, then! The one with the glasses from MasterChef.
He won't follow me! And I sent him the recipe for Shelley's Special Sticky Dicky Pudding! Maybe I shouldn't have sent a photo.
Oh, God! How is that even edible? Most of it is.
That bit isn't.
Be with you in just one mo'.
Erm, excuse me.
Hi.
I wonder if you could help me? My phone's frozen and I can't seem to get it to unlock.
How long you had it? Just over a year.
Ah! Just out of warranty.
I did take out the insurance cover.
Took it out here? Yes, yes.
I did, yeah.
What level? Umm The Gold Elite Gold Standard Plus cover.
I did pay an additional fee for the Platinum Payment Protection Plan.
Oh, that's good.
Great! So you can help, then? No.
I don't deal with the Precious Metal packages.
I'm Underwater and Overwater.
If you'd had Squid Care 24 or Seagull Beach Snatch Night-time, you'd have been laughing.
See that bloke over there? Can HE help me? I don't know.
Go and ask him.
Nutter! Calamari? Your phone's in your bag.
It's gone! I don't know what you and your hubby get up to, whether it's, like, snap, snap, snap! All that.
None of my business what you get up to, yeah? But you do not want some 14-year-old in Seattle smashing the life out of himself to you and Hubby in front of the fire, birthday cake all mashed up between your toes, big sheet of white A3 is making you make dirty footprints, that kind of What do you want, bruv? Insurance? My phone's packed up.
What cover? Gold Elite Standard Plus.
Nah! Do you? Why are you still here, bruv? Bounce, man! Bounce! Be dignified.
Bounce! Right.
So, you don't want to be the Swastika dildo lady, do you? Snap! Oh! Snap! Oh! Bathroom mirror, self shot! Snap! All them memories, lying there, scattered on the floor.
I beg you, don't cry! I beg you, don't cry! I beg you, both cry! Mmm! Sorry to interrupt.
Your colleague sent me over.
Insurance? Yeah, I've got the paper Bruv! Shall I bounce? Bye.
Right.
So you're telling me I DON'T need insurance? Exactly.
You're going to be paying through the nose for something you don't actually need.
OK.
Do you go mountain climbing? No.
No.
Are you at risk of avalanche or rock fall? No.
No.
Are you going on a beach holiday, where your precious phone could be targeted by unscrupulous foreign thieves? No.
No.
Then I'd say you're probably wasting your money on insurance.
But what if I accidentally drop my old phone down the toilet just as the new one's coming out? How am I going to get the new one if I don't have insurance? Yeah? Yeah.
Now fill the fucking form in.
All right.
Can I see the phone? Yeah.
Oh! Oh dear! Yeah.
You've been looking at porn on this, haven't you? Sorry? Mmm hmm.
Umm You've got a porn clog, so I'm afraid that totally invalidates your insurance.
Dirty, dirty man.
I bet you use that phone to call your ageing mother as well, don't you, you sick shh-itty? Just go.
Go home to your wife.
Dirty man! Costa Coffee.
Having a coffee.
Good times.
I think that's when I matured as a writer.
Right.
But if I were to lose this phone, that'd be the end of it.
All those tweets of mine and the tweets of the people I follow, be lost for ever.
I thought that was the point of Twitter, that tweets aren't stored on the phone.
Really? Where do you think they're stored, then? They're stored in the I don't know.
In the Cloud.
Up in the clouds? What, next to the rain? No, course not.
We'd better watch the rain doesn't wash all the tweets away, hadn't we? It's not a real cloud.
Oh, it's not a real cloud now? Fuck me! It's cloud computing, isn't it? I don't think I'm going to bother with you.
Doing WHAT, bruv? I'm just having a bit of a tweet.
What you doing that for? I want to be part of the conversation.
Bruv, you ain't never been part of ANY conversation, trust me! Any conversation that wants you as a part of it ain't a conversation worth having.
Head Office said I had to.
Why? So that I can keep in touch with my team.
Bruv, your team's here.
Talk to us! Talk to us here! What you doing? Tweeting a picture of YOU.
#backstage! Bruv, don't be airing up man's business on social nets, yeah? Once again, the socially inept seduced by the illusion of being in the game in order to serve corporate marketing ends.
Mugs! Oh, that's good.
Should I spell mugs with a Z? Be a bit edgy? Costa Coffee? Having a coffee? Good times? Is that you? Pff.
Might be.
"Hey, gang! Who remembers any sweets, cartoons or bands from the '70s?" Wham! No, that was the '80s.
And it wasn't a cartoon.
Shit! That IS you, innit? No! Could be anybody.
PhoneShop manager, Sutton? "I don't put myself in no categories.
I just express myself"? onelove? Wacky Races! Bruv! If you're going to get into this game, you need to bring game to your game.
You get me? If your brand values are vanity, stupidity and incessant banality, then cool! That's what Twitter's all about, but you've got to come correct, bruv.
Sit down.
Sit down, bruv! sitthefuckdown! This is misrepresentation, Janine.
We're going to be party to a fraudulent activity here tonight.
Or we are going to briefly elevate the ordinary.
We're going to put on an incredible free show that the people of Sutton will be talking about for ever.
Where do you get these people from? GIMP database.
GIMP database? Gullible Idiot Mug Punters.
Course it is.
It's a list of people who'll buy anything.
I used to be on it till I was lucky enough to win the opportunity to buy myself off it.
Shall we see the backs now, gentlemen? You've got to rinse out the details, Lance.
You've got to make your dull, moronic life sound exciting, yeah? My life is exciting.
I nearly had a tattoo done last year.
And I had my first outdoor wank.
And my second.
Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh! Secret of Twitter is you've got to hype your life, yeah? Anything you say, you've got to say it like you're a player, yeah? So instead of Costa Coffee.
Having a coffee.
Good times.
We go, man of man's cotching on a flat white ting.
Yeah? You know how we do! It's like, hold tight for the man like Lancey Lance.
Boom! That kind of thing.
Oh, I like that! Yeah.
I can see myself crotching on a fat white.
What does it mean? The GIMPs are in.
Two-minute call, guys.
Let the mis-selling begin.
Boom! Boom! Boom, boom! Don't overcook it, yeah? Welcome! Have the night of your lives.
Please, this way.
Helen Mirren.
Lovely.
Hi, Hello.
And smile and that's great.
Good evening.
Welcome, innit.
Phone, please.
Tonight, have eyes on her and only her, OK? Have a magical evening.
When you go home, you make love to her.
OK? Real love.
Get yourself in there, tiger, go on.
Wonderful.
Stunning.
Enjoy that.
Hello.
Say "cheese!" Welcome.
Hello! Have a wonderful evening.
If you'd just like to step this way and get papped, OK? Ooh! Over you go - beautiful.
Surprise! What are you doing here? I know! Your mother wanted to tell you but I thought it'd be better if it was a surprise.
Ooh, ah! The tie yeah.
How did you find out about this? Well, we signed up to this amazing website where we get all these incredible offers and invites Oh, God.
To events like this.
It's fantastic.
I'm jousting tomorrow and your father's enjoying a discount anal bleach.
Oh.
Mr and Mrs Newman how elegant and jovial to meet you.
Christopher's told me so much about you.
Mrs Newman.
Enchante.
Yeah, all right! All right? Oh! Christopher, it's wonderful to finally see your empire! And well done.
And these must be your fantastic employees? Oh, yes, yes, yes! So good to meet you guys.
Employees? Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi, manager.
Manager, can I have a word with you, boss? What the fuck? It must be very challenging to work for such a gifted graduate like Christopher.
Yes.
Yes, he's a very gifted boss.
Yes.
Isn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah, one of the best.
Isn't he? Yes.
Ah, perhaps you'd like to head over to our drinks reception where our celebrity guests are waiting to meet and greet you.
Is that, um? Nearly.
You can talk me through anal bleaching.
Excuse me Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to an action-packed evening where we're all going to learn some very valuable lessons.
So much so I'm going to be live-tweeting this event.
Erm So, if you're not familiar with tweeting, it's a very effective form of communication.
Let me give you some examples.
Erm, Costa coffee.
Having a coffee Good times! Woooo! Good times.
Good job, there.
Go on, go.
Woo! What a introduction, hey? What a introduction.
Ladies and gentlemen I'm here to talk to you tonight about mobile phones.
These incredible devices not only allow us to speak to our friends and loved ones, they also enable us to take photos and videos, to save and share some of our most cherished memories, be they pictures of our children as they grow or maybe even some more private night-time memories.
I think the lady on the front row there knows exactly what I'm talkin' about.
Cos I took them photos for you, innit, darling! That's a joke.
No really, that's a joke.
Just flipping the script there with some gentle satire.
This lady is in fact beautiful and charming and I want you to enjoy tonight and take full advantage of the comprehensive and elegant insurance packages we're going to be offering for you this evening, OK? Yo, yo, yo.
Yo, yo, yo.
Yo, man, give me your phone, ma-a-a-n! But what is this? It's some kind of street robbery.
Street robbery can happen to anyone, at any time, and it doesn't just happen on the street.
Yo.
Hey, man, you dirty pigshit, you better give up the goods or I'm going to get so rough on your arse.
Apologies for language.
Unfortunately, we live in a violent world and violent language is an inevitable consequence of that.
But 'ang on 'ang on.
Bruv, move the fucking All of my life is 'ere on my precious phone.
What am I going to do? I can't afford to lose this.
Quick, someone call the poli-i-i-ice! In the face.
Call the police! Just keep it down a bit.
Call the Bruv, put the fucking music on! Do the end bit.
Stop spoiling it for me.
I've got my mum and dad here.
I don't know which button.
Do it properly! Take the tape off the button, bruv.
Do it properly! Oh, for fuck's sake.
I visited my cousin in prison and my phone disappeared inside him - gone for ever.
I was on a continental beach holiday with my heavily pregnant wife when, "Oh, no" Down on the floor! Everybody get down and stay down! Down on the floor, now.
Down! DOWN! Get on the floor, now! Oh, how wonderful! Oh, this beats Les Mis hands down.
Well done, Christopher! Dad, get down! Oh, and the team! Not forgetting the team.
Well done, team! Mum! Get That's my son.
He's a graduate.
I said, "get down on the fucking floor, now!" Move! Down! MOVE! We didn't mean it, yeah? It was just a bit of misselling.
It ain't just us.
Everyone's doin' it, bruv.
Everyone.
Down! I said get down on the floor.
Move! Bruv, I beg you, don't shoot me, yeah.
I beg you I beg you, don't shoot me! If yous lot are from PhoneShop Liverpool, yeah, I've got mad love for that city, yeah? The Tories fucked you lot in the '80s.
If you want the trophy, it's yours.
Take the trophy.
Take the trophy! Where's the manager? Who's running this place? I said, "Who's running this place?" It's my son, Christopher.
He's the manager.
Down on the floor.
Come on, Christopher, get up.
Christopher! Get up.
Down on the floor, Mum.
Mum I will not tell you again.
Stand up, sir.
Stand up, sir.
Come on, Christopher, get up.
Mum, shut up.
Down on the floor, Mum.
Stand up, sir.
How do I? Get on your feet! Lance, I Slowly.
Slowly.
Put your hands on your head.
Put your hands on your head or I will shoot you in the face.
On the top.
Look at me.
Look at me! Don't look at me.
You No.
"There's a big bomb be goin' off.
You get me, man? "PhoneShop Sutton, tonight.
We be blowin' up.
"Boom, Boom, Boom! You have been warned!!" ExplosivePackages.
I'm so sorry officer, I I don't know what to say.
I can only think that some sick idiot individual from a rival phone shop is trying to make us look bad.
Me too.
That's exactly what I think.
Yeah, definitely.
Yeah.
Fucking idiots, aren't they? Apologies for language.
Yeah, it makes me so angry though.
Cunts! Oi! Watch your language, sir.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Heat of the moment.
Yeah, makes me bloody sorry.
Right, yeah.
Thank you, Lance.
Actually, do you want to make a start getting all this cleared up, yeah? Lance is new here.
He's our newest member of staff.
Ah! So he's your new man? Yeah.
Isn't that right, Newmes? Yep.
That's me.
Go on then, off you pop.
Yeah, we've got our own new man.
Oh, yeah? Haven't we, Simon? Oh, lovely.
You having fun, Simon? Yeah, I love it.
I shot somebody yesterday.
I only got him in the leg.
He didn't even have a gun! Good lad.
I nearly got him tonight.
What? Quick bastard.
What the fuck? He's very keen.
Yeah, so I see.
Listen, Steve Sorry, you don't mind if I call you Steve? I was just I couldn't help but notice the rather large crack on the screen of your phone.
Yeah, well it's an 'azard of the job, I'm afraid.
You know, I've gone through three of these bastards in the last month and a half.
Oh.
Language.
Can I? You're all right.
So I was just, you know, thinking, due to the nature of your business, would you say that you and your boys are adequately covered when it comes to mobile phone insurance? You you wouldn't be trying to sell me mobile phone insurance, would you, sir? No.
You do know why we are here tonight? I know why.
Yeah, cos of all the stuff on the twee Twitter.
This is a very serious matter.
I know.
It's serious.
These raids cost the tax payer a severe amount of money.
I'm sure they I'm so I'm really sorry, sorry, sorry.
Let's just keep it professional shall we? I'm so really pro So are everyone All everyone professional ism.
In the Good.
I'll be in Saturday.
What? See you Saturday.
Yeah, see you Saturday.
The Golden Bowl.
Boom! I don't get it.
What's he doing with his hand down a toilet? Man's reaching for his phone, innit? What's his phone doing in the toilet? And why is there a trophy for it? Man was simply wiping the seat for the benefit of the next toilet user.
Very considerate act in this age of compromised hygienic standards.
When shhlop! The phone slips out of the top pocket of his shirt.
"Oh, my gosh! Where has my precious phone gone?" And bloop! Tu-tu-tu-tu-tu-tu-tu-tu-tu! It lands deep in the U-bend of THA public toilet.
Eurgh! Wooh! Yeah? "Oh, my gosh! "I can't believe my irreplaceable phone has been lost down there.
"What am I going to doooo?" That's a dead phone.
Handset down.
Funeral at sea.
That phone, Newman, is now compromised with what we in the business call OPPAPS.
OPPAPS? Other People's Piss And Probably Shit.
Right.
I still don't understand why there's a trophy for it.
It's the Golden Bowl, bruv.
The Golden Bowl! This is the most coveted trophy amongst all salesmans in the PhoneShop Group nationwide! Yeah? Them Scouseman up PhoneShop Liverpool? They ain't got this! Them Geordie mans up in Manchester PhoneShop? THEY ain't got this! Them Macca Wacca Jockeyman up Glasgow Highlands PhoneShop? They ain't got this! They got a bowl of porridge and fuck all else.
Yeah, right.
But what's it for? Picking phones out of toilets? This trophy is awarded to the store that has consistently excelled at and set new industry-wide standards in the mis-selling of mobile phone insurance.
Right.
Course it is.
Cos if there's one thing we're better at than selling Is mis-selling! Now, you don't need to worry about the cost of tonight's Celebrity Champagne Reception because we won't be using real Cava or any real celebrities.
Err The stuff's started arriving downstairs Here, Janine.
You heard of Twitter? Read that.
"I am watching BBC News 24.
Just off for a wee.
"Might have a snack.
" Read the next one.
"Didn't have a wee.
Did have a snack.
" Carry on.
Next one's a belter.
"I am at Morrisons.
Not a very good fish counter.
" Scroll down.
"A great fish counter.
" Not a very good fish counter A great fish counter! They've got a great fish counter! It's a jokey plug.
I'm playing with the form and trying to get some discount halibut.
Lance, we are going to have a shop full of people in here this evening for the National Association of Insurance Losers' Seminar and we need decisions made.
So, bubble machine or dry ice? Yeah? One says party.
The other says menace.
Read that.
Last one.
"Costa Coffee.
Having a coffee.
"Good times.
" That's a classic.
Yeah, I love that.
It's more laid back than the first two.
I think, as a writer, Janine, I'm really developing my own style.
OK.
After party, Cafe Rouge.
After after party, Subway.
Oh! Richard Hammond's just had a biscuit.
What? Nutter! Ohh! What do you mean, it's dishonest? Everything's dishonest, bruv! You claiming to be a PhoneShop salesman? That's dishonest, bruv.
It's misleading people.
Look, look, look! Newms! OK.
There's a beautiful girl, yeah? And she's interested in you.
Unlikely.
And for some reason, she wants to talk to you.
To YOU, Newms! Now, are you going to be straight with this girl, yeah? You going to be, like, "You know, I live at home with my mum and dad, "and my life ain't really going nowhere, really"? "And I have a problem with premature ejaculation"? That was once and she surprised me by lighting a cigarette while we were still doing it.
So, for the record, not a problem.
There you go.
You're doing it now, bruv! You're talking it up, innit? That's what we do.
That's our job.
Look.
You're in the first world! You're in the West! What you got to worry about? Fuck all, mate! How white your teeth are? Oh, my God! They've run out of soya milk at Starbucks! I don't have soya.
I've almond milk.
That's what we do.
We talk up the worry.
We talk up the risk.
Yeah? It's what we do all day, every day, yeah? Talk up the worry.
Talk up the risk.
Selling insurance ain't no different.
No, bruv.
We're just talking up the risk.
Switch on, bruv! Be a fucking man, innit? Yeah.
Switch on! It's dishonest and it's misleading! They showed me the trophy they won.
Yeah, the Golden Bowl.
They're very proud of that.
Yeah, for mis-selling insurance! Are you not embarrassed by that, Lance, or angry? Between you and I, Christopher, I was furious.
Good! So you should be.
Yes, I should be.
I just missed out on the Golden Eye Patch.
What? The Golden Eye Patch.
It's awarded to managers for consistently turning a blind eye to business malpractice.
I'm not without regrets, Christopher.
I give up.
I tried.
Oh, yeah? Well you can fuck off, then! The one with the glasses from MasterChef.
He won't follow me! And I sent him the recipe for Shelley's Special Sticky Dicky Pudding! Maybe I shouldn't have sent a photo.
Oh, God! How is that even edible? Most of it is.
That bit isn't.
Be with you in just one mo'.
Erm, excuse me.
Hi.
I wonder if you could help me? My phone's frozen and I can't seem to get it to unlock.
How long you had it? Just over a year.
Ah! Just out of warranty.
I did take out the insurance cover.
Took it out here? Yes, yes.
I did, yeah.
What level? Umm The Gold Elite Gold Standard Plus cover.
I did pay an additional fee for the Platinum Payment Protection Plan.
Oh, that's good.
Great! So you can help, then? No.
I don't deal with the Precious Metal packages.
I'm Underwater and Overwater.
If you'd had Squid Care 24 or Seagull Beach Snatch Night-time, you'd have been laughing.
See that bloke over there? Can HE help me? I don't know.
Go and ask him.
Nutter! Calamari? Your phone's in your bag.
It's gone! I don't know what you and your hubby get up to, whether it's, like, snap, snap, snap! All that.
None of my business what you get up to, yeah? But you do not want some 14-year-old in Seattle smashing the life out of himself to you and Hubby in front of the fire, birthday cake all mashed up between your toes, big sheet of white A3 is making you make dirty footprints, that kind of What do you want, bruv? Insurance? My phone's packed up.
What cover? Gold Elite Standard Plus.
Nah! Do you? Why are you still here, bruv? Bounce, man! Bounce! Be dignified.
Bounce! Right.
So, you don't want to be the Swastika dildo lady, do you? Snap! Oh! Snap! Oh! Bathroom mirror, self shot! Snap! All them memories, lying there, scattered on the floor.
I beg you, don't cry! I beg you, don't cry! I beg you, both cry! Mmm! Sorry to interrupt.
Your colleague sent me over.
Insurance? Yeah, I've got the paper Bruv! Shall I bounce? Bye.
Right.
So you're telling me I DON'T need insurance? Exactly.
You're going to be paying through the nose for something you don't actually need.
OK.
Do you go mountain climbing? No.
No.
Are you at risk of avalanche or rock fall? No.
No.
Are you going on a beach holiday, where your precious phone could be targeted by unscrupulous foreign thieves? No.
No.
Then I'd say you're probably wasting your money on insurance.
But what if I accidentally drop my old phone down the toilet just as the new one's coming out? How am I going to get the new one if I don't have insurance? Yeah? Yeah.
Now fill the fucking form in.
All right.
Can I see the phone? Yeah.
Oh! Oh dear! Yeah.
You've been looking at porn on this, haven't you? Sorry? Mmm hmm.
Umm You've got a porn clog, so I'm afraid that totally invalidates your insurance.
Dirty, dirty man.
I bet you use that phone to call your ageing mother as well, don't you, you sick shh-itty? Just go.
Go home to your wife.
Dirty man! Costa Coffee.
Having a coffee.
Good times.
I think that's when I matured as a writer.
Right.
But if I were to lose this phone, that'd be the end of it.
All those tweets of mine and the tweets of the people I follow, be lost for ever.
I thought that was the point of Twitter, that tweets aren't stored on the phone.
Really? Where do you think they're stored, then? They're stored in the I don't know.
In the Cloud.
Up in the clouds? What, next to the rain? No, course not.
We'd better watch the rain doesn't wash all the tweets away, hadn't we? It's not a real cloud.
Oh, it's not a real cloud now? Fuck me! It's cloud computing, isn't it? I don't think I'm going to bother with you.
Doing WHAT, bruv? I'm just having a bit of a tweet.
What you doing that for? I want to be part of the conversation.
Bruv, you ain't never been part of ANY conversation, trust me! Any conversation that wants you as a part of it ain't a conversation worth having.
Head Office said I had to.
Why? So that I can keep in touch with my team.
Bruv, your team's here.
Talk to us! Talk to us here! What you doing? Tweeting a picture of YOU.
#backstage! Bruv, don't be airing up man's business on social nets, yeah? Once again, the socially inept seduced by the illusion of being in the game in order to serve corporate marketing ends.
Mugs! Oh, that's good.
Should I spell mugs with a Z? Be a bit edgy? Costa Coffee? Having a coffee? Good times? Is that you? Pff.
Might be.
"Hey, gang! Who remembers any sweets, cartoons or bands from the '70s?" Wham! No, that was the '80s.
And it wasn't a cartoon.
Shit! That IS you, innit? No! Could be anybody.
PhoneShop manager, Sutton? "I don't put myself in no categories.
I just express myself"? onelove? Wacky Races! Bruv! If you're going to get into this game, you need to bring game to your game.
You get me? If your brand values are vanity, stupidity and incessant banality, then cool! That's what Twitter's all about, but you've got to come correct, bruv.
Sit down.
Sit down, bruv! sitthefuckdown! This is misrepresentation, Janine.
We're going to be party to a fraudulent activity here tonight.
Or we are going to briefly elevate the ordinary.
We're going to put on an incredible free show that the people of Sutton will be talking about for ever.
Where do you get these people from? GIMP database.
GIMP database? Gullible Idiot Mug Punters.
Course it is.
It's a list of people who'll buy anything.
I used to be on it till I was lucky enough to win the opportunity to buy myself off it.
Shall we see the backs now, gentlemen? You've got to rinse out the details, Lance.
You've got to make your dull, moronic life sound exciting, yeah? My life is exciting.
I nearly had a tattoo done last year.
And I had my first outdoor wank.
And my second.
Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh! Secret of Twitter is you've got to hype your life, yeah? Anything you say, you've got to say it like you're a player, yeah? So instead of Costa Coffee.
Having a coffee.
Good times.
We go, man of man's cotching on a flat white ting.
Yeah? You know how we do! It's like, hold tight for the man like Lancey Lance.
Boom! That kind of thing.
Oh, I like that! Yeah.
I can see myself crotching on a fat white.
What does it mean? The GIMPs are in.
Two-minute call, guys.
Let the mis-selling begin.
Boom! Boom! Boom, boom! Don't overcook it, yeah? Welcome! Have the night of your lives.
Please, this way.
Helen Mirren.
Lovely.
Hi, Hello.
And smile and that's great.
Good evening.
Welcome, innit.
Phone, please.
Tonight, have eyes on her and only her, OK? Have a magical evening.
When you go home, you make love to her.
OK? Real love.
Get yourself in there, tiger, go on.
Wonderful.
Stunning.
Enjoy that.
Hello.
Say "cheese!" Welcome.
Hello! Have a wonderful evening.
If you'd just like to step this way and get papped, OK? Ooh! Over you go - beautiful.
Surprise! What are you doing here? I know! Your mother wanted to tell you but I thought it'd be better if it was a surprise.
Ooh, ah! The tie yeah.
How did you find out about this? Well, we signed up to this amazing website where we get all these incredible offers and invites Oh, God.
To events like this.
It's fantastic.
I'm jousting tomorrow and your father's enjoying a discount anal bleach.
Oh.
Mr and Mrs Newman how elegant and jovial to meet you.
Christopher's told me so much about you.
Mrs Newman.
Enchante.
Yeah, all right! All right? Oh! Christopher, it's wonderful to finally see your empire! And well done.
And these must be your fantastic employees? Oh, yes, yes, yes! So good to meet you guys.
Employees? Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi, manager.
Manager, can I have a word with you, boss? What the fuck? It must be very challenging to work for such a gifted graduate like Christopher.
Yes.
Yes, he's a very gifted boss.
Yes.
Isn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah, one of the best.
Isn't he? Yes.
Ah, perhaps you'd like to head over to our drinks reception where our celebrity guests are waiting to meet and greet you.
Is that, um? Nearly.
You can talk me through anal bleaching.
Excuse me Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to an action-packed evening where we're all going to learn some very valuable lessons.
So much so I'm going to be live-tweeting this event.
Erm So, if you're not familiar with tweeting, it's a very effective form of communication.
Let me give you some examples.
Erm, Costa coffee.
Having a coffee Good times! Woooo! Good times.
Good job, there.
Go on, go.
Woo! What a introduction, hey? What a introduction.
Ladies and gentlemen I'm here to talk to you tonight about mobile phones.
These incredible devices not only allow us to speak to our friends and loved ones, they also enable us to take photos and videos, to save and share some of our most cherished memories, be they pictures of our children as they grow or maybe even some more private night-time memories.
I think the lady on the front row there knows exactly what I'm talkin' about.
Cos I took them photos for you, innit, darling! That's a joke.
No really, that's a joke.
Just flipping the script there with some gentle satire.
This lady is in fact beautiful and charming and I want you to enjoy tonight and take full advantage of the comprehensive and elegant insurance packages we're going to be offering for you this evening, OK? Yo, yo, yo.
Yo, yo, yo.
Yo, man, give me your phone, ma-a-a-n! But what is this? It's some kind of street robbery.
Street robbery can happen to anyone, at any time, and it doesn't just happen on the street.
Yo.
Hey, man, you dirty pigshit, you better give up the goods or I'm going to get so rough on your arse.
Apologies for language.
Unfortunately, we live in a violent world and violent language is an inevitable consequence of that.
But 'ang on 'ang on.
Bruv, move the fucking All of my life is 'ere on my precious phone.
What am I going to do? I can't afford to lose this.
Quick, someone call the poli-i-i-ice! In the face.
Call the police! Just keep it down a bit.
Call the Bruv, put the fucking music on! Do the end bit.
Stop spoiling it for me.
I've got my mum and dad here.
I don't know which button.
Do it properly! Take the tape off the button, bruv.
Do it properly! Oh, for fuck's sake.
I visited my cousin in prison and my phone disappeared inside him - gone for ever.
I was on a continental beach holiday with my heavily pregnant wife when, "Oh, no" Down on the floor! Everybody get down and stay down! Down on the floor, now.
Down! DOWN! Get on the floor, now! Oh, how wonderful! Oh, this beats Les Mis hands down.
Well done, Christopher! Dad, get down! Oh, and the team! Not forgetting the team.
Well done, team! Mum! Get That's my son.
He's a graduate.
I said, "get down on the fucking floor, now!" Move! Down! MOVE! We didn't mean it, yeah? It was just a bit of misselling.
It ain't just us.
Everyone's doin' it, bruv.
Everyone.
Down! I said get down on the floor.
Move! Bruv, I beg you, don't shoot me, yeah.
I beg you I beg you, don't shoot me! If yous lot are from PhoneShop Liverpool, yeah, I've got mad love for that city, yeah? The Tories fucked you lot in the '80s.
If you want the trophy, it's yours.
Take the trophy.
Take the trophy! Where's the manager? Who's running this place? I said, "Who's running this place?" It's my son, Christopher.
He's the manager.
Down on the floor.
Come on, Christopher, get up.
Christopher! Get up.
Down on the floor, Mum.
Mum I will not tell you again.
Stand up, sir.
Stand up, sir.
Come on, Christopher, get up.
Mum, shut up.
Down on the floor, Mum.
Stand up, sir.
How do I? Get on your feet! Lance, I Slowly.
Slowly.
Put your hands on your head.
Put your hands on your head or I will shoot you in the face.
On the top.
Look at me.
Look at me! Don't look at me.
You No.
"There's a big bomb be goin' off.
You get me, man? "PhoneShop Sutton, tonight.
We be blowin' up.
"Boom, Boom, Boom! You have been warned!!" ExplosivePackages.
I'm so sorry officer, I I don't know what to say.
I can only think that some sick idiot individual from a rival phone shop is trying to make us look bad.
Me too.
That's exactly what I think.
Yeah, definitely.
Yeah.
Fucking idiots, aren't they? Apologies for language.
Yeah, it makes me so angry though.
Cunts! Oi! Watch your language, sir.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Heat of the moment.
Yeah, makes me bloody sorry.
Right, yeah.
Thank you, Lance.
Actually, do you want to make a start getting all this cleared up, yeah? Lance is new here.
He's our newest member of staff.
Ah! So he's your new man? Yeah.
Isn't that right, Newmes? Yep.
That's me.
Go on then, off you pop.
Yeah, we've got our own new man.
Oh, yeah? Haven't we, Simon? Oh, lovely.
You having fun, Simon? Yeah, I love it.
I shot somebody yesterday.
I only got him in the leg.
He didn't even have a gun! Good lad.
I nearly got him tonight.
What? Quick bastard.
What the fuck? He's very keen.
Yeah, so I see.
Listen, Steve Sorry, you don't mind if I call you Steve? I was just I couldn't help but notice the rather large crack on the screen of your phone.
Yeah, well it's an 'azard of the job, I'm afraid.
You know, I've gone through three of these bastards in the last month and a half.
Oh.
Language.
Can I? You're all right.
So I was just, you know, thinking, due to the nature of your business, would you say that you and your boys are adequately covered when it comes to mobile phone insurance? You you wouldn't be trying to sell me mobile phone insurance, would you, sir? No.
You do know why we are here tonight? I know why.
Yeah, cos of all the stuff on the twee Twitter.
This is a very serious matter.
I know.
It's serious.
These raids cost the tax payer a severe amount of money.
I'm sure they I'm so I'm really sorry, sorry, sorry.
Let's just keep it professional shall we? I'm so really pro So are everyone All everyone professional ism.
In the Good.
I'll be in Saturday.
What? See you Saturday.
Yeah, see you Saturday.