PhoneShop (2009) s03e05 Episode Script

Was the author justified in his use of pejorative language? In a way, and I've said this to you many times before, Charlotte, it's about how we respond to ourselves.
But it's not, though, is it? I think that if you start throwing about pejorative terms in that kind of context, then you're in trouble.
Two words.
Salman Rushdie?! Know what I mean? And we all know what happened there! So true, such a good point.
Oh, Christian, Rafe, what do you guys think? Pejorative or nay? Pejorative or nay? Pejorative or nay? Nay.
Nay, nay.
I'm just You know, in here, but I think you should just Really, you do? Why don't you just take the floor and you speak? Say what you want to say, innit? Mmm, mmm, mmm Ah! Mmm, Rio-ja! Rio-ja.
Rio-ja.
Nay.
I'm going to get some more.
Nay.
I'm going to get some more.
Nay Yay! Where you going? Rio-ja.
Where you going? Ow! I didn't know we was supposed to read the book! I should have known when we got in there.
There was people sitting' on the fucking floor! On the floor! It's 2013, bruv! No-one needs to sit on the floor no more! There's fucking IKEAs everywhere! It's the third time this week you flopped.
Where you finding these women from? Farmers' market.
Farmers' market?! Shut up, man! You're a lost youth, you know.
You're a lost youth.
Took me to a place where people are sitting on the fucking floor.
On the floor! On the floor, bruv! You took me to a place with people sitting on the fucking floor.
Now you want me to go somewhere else with you, are you dizzy? What are you being like that for? I beg your trust one last time, bruv.
I ain't going down your mum's church for the all-day, all-pray gospel brunch! It ain't dat.
And there's no way I'm going to be hanging round the self-harm section of Waterstones.
A, it ain't that, B, that's a real shame, cos there's opportunities in there, you know, and C boom! Yeah, what are you saying now, rude boy? My youth's gone mute.
OK This could just about work for me, you know.
Open now, bruv! Open now! In that shopping centre, just there, the green shoots of recovery are pokin' through.
Like Posh Spice in a flimsy tee.
"Oh! Can you see them?" Tell me, when was the last time a new hairdresser's opened up around here? Boy, probably when you could still have 200 felt tips for a pound outta Woolworths, innit? And you know it's our duty to drop by and say, "Hi", innit? Oh, you look like a slut! I love it.
It's chocky.
"Chocky"? Cheeky and cocky.
Is it? Yeah.
Like an Italian street urchin who steals your sunglasses on the transfer from the airport and then winks at you whilst licking his lips.
How do you feel about it? Vibey.
Uh-huh.
The thing with this, vamp it up with a low-cut tee.
Strip it right back down with an oversized watch or a Hindley wig.
I know what you need - accessories.
What kind? You tell me.
Er, goggles? Fuck it! Is that a no? Yes.
Skateboard? Bullshit.
No? Yes.
Yes? No.
Hanky? Yes Yes? Yes Hanky with a horse on? Equine! Hanky with a young horse on, being watched over by an older horse? You nutter! I love it.
I love you like this.
I love it! I know what you need to finish it off.
What? A set of black rosary beads.
Really? Spiritual.
Think Hammond on holiday in Haiti.
Damn, I'm fine, you know? Man comes like Sky Box Office.
Women should be paying to view this.
I can't do this.
Can't do what? I can't come with you.
What are you talkin' about? You know what I'm talkin' about.
It'd be like I'm going to get measured up for a coffin.
Bruv, that's stupid.
Come on, man.
You still got it, you know? Bruv, there's untold riches waiting in there to be claimed.
Remember when we were kings of the new store opening? Any new place opened up, we were in there from day one.
"Free balloon and goody bag?" "Yes, please.
" "Free glass of wine and shake hands with oversized mascot?" "Yes, please.
" "Free after-hours tour of the stockroom "and complimentary finger buffet?" "Yes, please!" I know, I know, but I can't go somewhere like that with something like this.
Seriously, who's going to be interested in that?! Just going to Oh, I love it! Really?! Yeah.
You give off a sense of dangerous fun.
You're like a pissed-up jockey with a stun gun.
God, it's taken years off me.
Feet.
Too much? Never too much.
It's not about the excess, Lance, it's all about the sex-cess.
Where's that from? Gok Wan? No, Eduardo - he's a genius.
Janine, is it is it wrong for a young-acting, middle-aged man to be attracted to Gok Wan? No, course not.
Eduardo knew him when he was fat.
Lovely guy.
Here, Janine, do you know what you get if you take the K from the end of Gok and you put it on the end of Wan? Yeah.
And I did! Oh, I did! Quite a lot.
Janine, Janine, can I tell you something? Sure.
I've always, uh I've always I've always wanted to wear a hat.
I knew it.
Yeah! A hat says so much.
It says I'm an individual, a man confident in his own abilities.
Lance, look at yourself.
You'll be dead soon.
What? We all will but in the few years you've got left, you know, be the man you've always wanted to be.
Don't die with regrets.
Je n'regrette tres bien, yeah? Yes, Janine.
I want to do something exciting, I want to make a statement, I want to say, "This is me, Lance Crisp, "I might run a shop on a suburban high street "but you scratch the surface, and I'm a "I'm a" Well, you're a free thinker, aren't you? A free thinker, yes! You're an urban guru.
Urban guru.
You're a retail rebel, Lance.
Oh, I like that, retail rebel.
That's going straight on my LinkedIn.
Oh, shit! Shelley? Holding you back again? No, it's the drain man.
Disabled toilets are blocked.
You'll have to tell the pay-as-you-gos you can't flush nappies, Janine, or chips.
Get Christopher to let him in.
Then we can carry on doing this.
No, he's on a half day.
Another one? Yeah.
Mmm I tried it earlier, it stinks.
Oh.
Deep breaths, bruv, yeah? You can do this.
I can do this, man, I can do this, I can do this, can't I? What are you doing? I was just fixing There's no need! Why are you going to draw attention to yourself? Why would you do that? It looks OK, yeah? You sure it looks OK? Yeah.
Got a hat I could wear? What are you doing with a? I got it off of Lance.
I think he's having a breakdown, realised how old he's Bruv, it's fine, let's roll! Good morning, my darling, how are we doing today? Please, accept this gift of a bottle of the finest frizzante as a welcome to you and your colleagues.
Oh, prosecco! Oh, that's lovely.
Thank you.
It's Italian for champagne.
And these are also for you.
Oh, my God, it's like Christmas.
I'm so excited! Ooh, fruit flavoured and "Ribbed for your pleasure.
" That's right! Oh, that's so sweet.
Actually, they are quite sweet, so if you or any of your team are diabetic, you probably want to be careful.
Oh, yeah, thank you.
That's really considerate.
It's nothing, it's nothing.
Just get my bag back.
So, um welcome to our new styling hub and creative hair-cutting experience.
We offer a comprehensive range of sophisticated technologies, incorporating the latest plant-based active ingredients, specifically created for you, the individual, or individuals, as part of your re-energising organic treatment ritual.
Wow! Really, wow! Wow! Hey, why don't you guys come and hang with our creative team? Creative team? Yeah, we've got such a funky crew.
Please, follow me to the cutting-room floor.
Oh, yeah! Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Yes! Yes! Congratulations, everyone! Look at this place! Whoo! I can't believe it.
And to think this used to be a day centre for people with learning disabilities, wow! Fuck that lot, yeah? You heard Cameron - pull the ladder up, have a hair cut.
You lot have really turned this place around.
Well done, everyone.
Congratulations.
Great vibe, great energy Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! What the fuck, man? What are you doing here? Fuck are you doing here, bruv? Hey, are you guys friends of Christopher? Yeah! Isn't he great? Oh, I'm all right.
We just adore him here.
We're so blessed.
He's made such an impression on the guys here.
It's like he's one of us.
He looks that way, man.
You guys friends of Christopher? Yeah! Yup.
I just love this motherfucking guy's style, the motherfucker! Look at you! Look at you! Look at you! Look at you! Look at you! No, look at you! Whoo! Look at the both of you, there's a pair of you! Eduardo is our technical director of aesthetics and cosmecutology.
OK, say that What? I'm the technical director of aesthetics and cosmecutology here.
I know! It's fucking crazy, right?! Loco, loco! Running the academy here.
And I'm Winston, the executive associate creative director.
Thanks for coming along, guys.
It means so much.
Wow.
Hey! How about some drinks? Yes! Thunderbird twists all round? Yes! Want pineapple juice? Yes.
OK.
Soon come! Soon come! Soon come! These guys! Wow, what about these guys, eh? What about you, rude boy? What about you, rude boy? What about me? What the fuck is going on? Is this where you been creepin' off to in your lunch hours? I foolishly thought you was heading off for some kind of rub and tug.
I was almost proud of you.
But now we know what the truth is.
You kept this to yourself? And then you head in there like a lone wolf, operatin' solo behind enemy lines? We work as a team, bruv.
There's no P-R-I-C or K in team.
Next t'ing you're going to tell us you're seeing someone from in there, innit? What? No? What? Who? Eduardo? No! Not Eduardo.
No, Lettuce.
Lettuce? Yeah.
Lett It's not her real name.
What's her real name then? Paula.
They made her change it.
What she do? What does that matter? Listen, Andy McFuckin' Scab, it matters.
All right.
She's the client facing team liaison director.
What? Receptionist.
Receptionist! Fuuuck! And a she's a Level 5 technical stylist.
What does that mean? It means, when they're busy, she gets to wash the clients' hair.
Shut up.
And she's fully qualified in Anglo-Indian cranial head massage and all aspects of microdermabrasion aquatherapy.
I don't give a fuck if she qualified in two-girl Thai ball-bag massage, what you doin' seein' a receptionist for? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! This is not happening.
I refuse to believe that this is happening.
Call her.
Kill it.
Dun it.
Bun it! What? No! You seriously think it's OK for you to see a receptionist? Yes.
What's wrong with that? She's a receptionist.
Receptionist? Jesus Christ! Christopher, do you work Pay As You Go, yes or no? No, you know I don't.
Then why you seein' a receptionist for? Oh, I don't know.
Maybe cos we like each other? Oh! If only life were that simple, Christopher.
Chris, what you have to remember is the high street has a very strict social hierarchy.
This is a ecosystem so fragile that you, a contract phone salesman, cannot be seen to be fraternisin' with someone of a lower status than yourself, rudeboy! Do you feel that? OK, OK, OK.
Let me frame it up for you, yeah? It's like a girl from Maplins shop datin' a man from the Apple Store.
Yeah? You see it? Maplins girl, yeah? Apple man.
No.
Maplins girl, yeah? Apple man.
No.
Maplins girl, yeah? Yeah.
Apple man.
No.
Yeah? Yeah? Look, Apple Man, yeah? Yeah.
Maplins girl.
No.
Yeah? Apple man, yeah.
Maplins girl.
No.
Yeah.
Apple man, yeah? Maplins girl.
No.
Yeah.
Look, Apple don't grapple the Mapple, rudeboy.
I'm speechless.
SO AM I! Oh, makes me queasy.
I don't believe this.
I can't believe it myself, Christopher.
Now go and do the right thing.
Call it off before the rest of the High Street finds out.
Exactly! No, this is bullshit.
Look at you.
Look at you all obsessing over the petty little bullshit politics of a high street that means absolutely nothing to anybody apart from your stupid, superficial selves.
Christopher! I'm your manager.
Show some respect.
Respect? You got fucking moonboots on and you want me to respect you?! Those moonboots are a very bold style statement, Christopher, and you'd do as well to remember that.
Oh, god, I've had enough.
I can't No, I can't do it.
And do not expect me to finish with her or bun her off or suck her out, or whatever it is you want me to do, because I will not.
I will not let your stupid, petty, high street class system come between two people who are very much in love with each other.
What, you love her? Yeah, I love her.
You heard me the first time.
Love.
Done though.
I'm done.
Here, what do you reckon to these? You look like a prick.
What? I think you are the most ironic person I've ever met.
Well, you know, that's just how man do! Oh, my god, even your drink is havin' a laugh.
What is it? What's in that? That, my darling, is a lager top.
I love it.
Oh, lager top! Is that what Terry McCann used to drink in Minder? It most certainly is.
Later, I might grab myself a doner kebab.
Chilli sauce? Yes, please, boss! Yes, please, boss! I love it.
Do it again.
Chilli sauce? Yes, please, boss! Would you like salad with that, my friend? No, just the three from the front.
No tomatoes.
I hate tomatoes.
Oh my god, I love it.
Look at this place.
Woo! It's so fucking camp.
Yay! So fucking trashy.
Look at this shit.
Ay.
Pay As You Go? Girl?! Ouch! What your customers like? I bet they're a bunch of real fuckin' assholes.
Oh, my god, how do they dress? It's housing benefit chic, right? "I'm on the dole, mate.
I got no money.
I'm so skint.
"Give us a ciggy, you bastard mam!" Ha! I'm so jealous.
It's such a Crashion-Fest in here.
Baby, you know Crashion, right? Yeah No, I don't, no.
Car-crash fashion.
You need to keep up, Girlfriend.
Yeah, car-crash fashion.
Zz-umm Fucking buses.
Oh, my god, this is Lance? LANCE?! Look at you! You look so cool, motherfucker.
Woo! You look like a crazy shit Doctor Who on acid, baby! What? I styled him.
He's my project.
Sorry, Lance, this is Eduardo, my best fashion friend.
We met on Grindr.
I just love you, man.
For such an old guy, you're like such a young guy, but with such a sad old face.
It's like you've frozen in time and unlocked your younger self.
You're the dollocks, baby! Dollocks? The dog's bollocks.
Harr! Grr! Thank you very much.
Lovely to meet you, Eduardo.
You all right? What's the matter? It's the jeans.
One of me balls has gone up inside meself! Oh, my god, you cool motherfucker.
Trapped bollock chic is SO in.
Oh, he had testicle trouble way before it was mainstream.
Ah, hey, it's out.
Ooh, it's in gone back in again! Oh.
Oh, it's out again.
You hokey cokey motherfucker! Ooh, that's better.
Hey, listen, what you doin' this weekend? You want to go Pound Store shopping? Or we could go to Wimpy, then hang out in Argos and drink cheap cola till we're sick through our noses.
Hey, Lance, you like Um Bongo? Oh yeah, I love it.
I've got an idea.
You got an idea? Tonight after work After work.
We can go for a quick drink.
Go for a quick drink.
You can come back to mine.
We go back to your's.
And I Mmmm? Cut your hair.
Oooh, innit soft? I didn't think it was going to be that soft.
She didn't want me for me.
She wanted me for this.
All of this.
Look at all of that! Bruv, don't do that.
Superficial.
That's what these people are, you know.
Superficial.
You all right, Janine? Yeah.
Where's Lance? He's over at the salon with Eduardo.
He's had a tangerine enzyme peel and he's going to have a complimentary creative cosmocutological facial treatment.
What? I don't know.
But I imagine there'll be laughs involved.
Hey! Hey! Come here! Oh, Chris, I've had the best news.
I'm so excited.
I think I'm going to have to have an Oxygen Therapy Skin Blast! Why? What is it? OK, are you ready? Yeah, go on.
I've only gone and been promoted! Oh, my god, that's amazing.
I'm off reception.
I have been promoted to a Level 3.
5 stylist and an associate colour technician.
Oh, I can't believe it! This is better than getting through to the second audition on X Factor.
Oh, my god, I'm so proud of you.
No! What you doing? I-I was congratulating you? Oh, oh, bless.
Christopher, do you not understand? Erm, I am now a Level 3.
5 stylist and an associate colour technician.
You are still a contract phone salesman, so we can't do this.
Oh, god, no.
What? It's like a Maplins going out with a Apple.
A? All right? Be honest.
What do you think? No? Shit! So, let me get this straight, yeah.
If I was to get baptized, yeah, I'd be completely naked, right? Right.
And I'm getting washed from top to toe.
Top to toe.
Can I ask, would it be you that's doing the washing? Um Cos I think that could be a truly spiritual experience I'd be prepared to open myself up to, you know.
You got to hold me.
You got to hold me.
I'm going! Ooh, shall we call someone? Oh, then it just comes and goes.
I'm just dipping in and out.
Tell me, do you like the writings of John the Baptist? Hold me tight.
This is it! Hallelujah!