Pinky and the Brain (1995) s03e24 Episode Script

Broadway Malady

Gee, brain, What do you want to do tonight? The same thing we do every night, pinky, Try to take over the world.
they're pinky and the brain yes, pinky and the brain one is a genius the other's insane they're laboratory mice their genes have been spliced they're dinky they're pinky and the brain brain, brain, brain brain, brain, brain, brain, brain before each night is done their plan will be unfurled by the dawning of the sun they'll take over the world they're pinky and the brain yes, pinky and the brain their twilight campaign is easy to explain to prove their mousey worth they'll overthrow the earth they're dinky they're pinky and the brain brain, brain, brain brain, brain, brain, brain Narf! warner bros.
And so i am honored to stand before you tonight To present the minnie fiske award For distinguished achievement in the theater To the one and only pinky.
[Applause] Narf! Pinky: to those of you who do not attend the theater Or know anything about mice who plan to take over the world, Um, perhaps i should tell you how i got here.
It's all on account of a mouse named brain.
Broadway was so different then.
How long ago was it? Troz! Oh, at least a week or 2.
Brain had another one of those plan thingies.
I will add one simple little word To the label on every bottle of shampoo in the world.
The directions will now read: "Repeat endlessly.
" Then while everyone in the world Is lathering their way to oblivion, I will rise to power.
"Gee, your hair smells peculiar.
" I beg your pardon, pinky? Oh! Sorry, brain.
That's just the name of this shampoo.
Naturally, it will cost a great deal of money To print and apply all the new shampoo labels.
You need special waterproof glues, Many colors of crayons To mimic the various label designs, And one of those crayon sharpeners That only comes in the really expensive boxes of crayons.
Oh, and extremely sharp, tiny scissors, Not to mention, Translation into 188 languages.
I calculate the final cost To be $162 million And 43 cents.
What are the 43 cents for? A pack of gum, pinky.
Why? Can't i have gum if i want it? Now, if i could only think of a way to raise the money.
Too bad you can't write One of those big broadway musicals.
They make lots of money.
That's it, pinky.
Are you pondering what i'm pondering? I think so, brain.
But why would anyone want a depressed tongue? I think you need a depressed head, pinky, But i have business here on planet earth, For i will write and produce a musical play Calculated to run forever! Oh, wonderful, brain! Just like one of albert floyd webster's shows.
Bah! Albert floyd webster.
That hack! Every play is the same.
" The wise old pussycat Sings to the brash young pussycat.
"Moonlight express.
" The wise old roller skate Sings to the brash young roller skate.
Drivel for the mindless masses.
Oh, i love those shows, brain.
Narf! My point exactly.
Anyone can regurgitate that kind of pap.
No, pinky, i shall create a new form Of musical theater.
Searingly real.
Filled with the turmoil of life and death.
But with dancing? Yes, pinky, with dancing.
A story of one mouse's fight for recognition In a heartless world.
Tearing the skin off his own primal fears and doubts, Revealing the ugly, naked truth.
But with songs? Yes, of course.
With songs.
Millions will flood to the theater, Grateful to finally see The stinking, festering stench of real life.
Oh, i do love a musical! Out of my way, pinky.
I must get to work on my creation.
Angst--The musical.
Pinky: it was a decision that would not only change our lives forever, But our cage.
No, no, no.
I can't be satisfied with cheap convention.
This song must cry out From the depths of my tortured soul In a way that never before has been set to music.
Pinky, what rhymes with june? I'm busy, brain.
Well, what are you doing? Oh, just hitting a balloon with a spoon While i croon a tune to this baboon By the light of the moon.
Well, will you be finished soon? Oh, about noon.
Why? What rhymes with june? No, it doesn't.
Ahh i'll make it april.
There! Finally, After pouring my blood, sweat, and tears onto these pages, My masterpiece is complete, pinky.
And unsanitary.
But who is "norman brain"? That is my pen name, pinky.
My pen's name is bic.
Where are we going, brain? That's norman brain, pinky.
We are about to get herbert schneiderlander To finance our show.
Is that because he's a fairy? That's angel, pinky.
An angel gives you money.
Oh, well, so does a fairy, brain.
I once got 23 cents for one of my teeth.
Oof! Pinky, i think i see Another 46 cents in your future.
I may be small, mr.
Schneiderlander, But i have big ideas.
I hope so.
I'm tired of all these albert floyd webster musicals.
I need something new and different.
I believe, mr.
Schneiderlander, That my show fulfills both those prerequisites.
Imagine a large cage, Representing man's inhumanity to me.
The play opens In the existential wheel of life As i am dragged down to ignominy By the malfeasance of inadequate assistants, As is achingly revealed in the haunting ballad, I'm going to have to hurt you.
i'm going to have to hurt you hurt you hurt you have to, have to, have to hurt you, hurt you, hurt you I'm gonna have to stop you.
Too new, too different.
But wait! I haven't told you about the big hymn to humiliation.
You know, audiences don't come to a musical To see humiliation.
What do you think they got daytime tv for? Um, excuse me.
I--I know what your show needs, brain.
Not now, pinky.
What about the schadenfreude polka? Maybe you need a scene where the wise old mouse Sings a song to the brash young mouse.
Don't be ridic-- Aah! That's it! That's brilliant! It's got that albert floyd webster touch.
[Sputters] But i thought you wanted something different Than albert floyd webster.
I do-- That is, different enough so we don't get sued.
We'll call it mice--The musical.
Ooh, i smell big b.
Narf! I think that's just my shampoo.
I'm writing a big, fat check.
Funny, you don't look like a fairy.
That's angel.
I can see it now.
Busload after busload of baseball-Capped tourists All dying to see broadway's latest sure-Fire people-Pleaser.
The t-Shirts alone will make millions! Sign here, And you'll be the richest hack on broadway.
That's what i want isn't it? No.
No, i--I won't do it.
I won't lower myself to that level.
But, brain, You could finally have all the money you need For that plan thingie.
This is about something more important Than money, pinky.
This is about suffering, About what's in here.
It's about art.
I'll be a success on my own terms.
I'll show you all! Angst--The musical Will be the biggest success since-- Ouch! The door! I don't remember that show.
I searched everywhere, But i couldn't find brain.
He just walked out the door.
No wonder.
Pinky: that nice mr.
Schneiderlander Still wanted to put on a show Because he was, after all, a fairy.
That's angel.
Pinky: i made my theatrical debut In mice--The musical.
I shall never forget the opening night.
[Orchestral music playing] are the seats filled with tourists? are the songs all the same? is the acting absurd? is the plot really lame? do you sell lots of t-Shirts? for a really high price? if you can and you do you're a show about mice because musical mice like to dance they don't wear any pants and the people all come back for more musical mice are musically nice and they're musical mice [Applause] Pinky: the audience threw things at us poit! But apparently that is considered a compliment.
The show was a huge hit.
Mice is the feel-Good, anthropomorphic musical animal hit of the season.
I laughed, i cried.
I ate.
We give mice Or make that [Laughter] I still don't like you.
Pinky: i was a huge success, Living in the lap of luxury.
Woman: i gotta get up now, sir.
Oh, ok, mrs.
Call me thelma.
That's my name.
I'll just play in my new gilded cage.
Pinky: then i saw it.
Brain was appearing at the shoe box theater.
[Orchestral music playing] what if i don't take over the world? angst! when will my plan be unfurled? angst! but, no, i am absolutely deserving of the position for which i am destined regardless of the unfortunate accident of my birth into the wrong species so you see i don't have any angst any angst! [Music stops] Thank you.
Thank you.
[Clapping] Brilliant, brain! Brilliant! Oh, the music, the lyrics-- They became a part of me.
I think this part.
Oh, no.
I already had an elbow.
Pinky, what are you doing here? I was looking for you, brain.
Excuse me, pinky.
I must acknowledge the standing ovation.
Brain, this is so sad.
Saturday night audiences Are notoriously unresponsive.
And thin.
Brain, come back with me.
Mice--The musical is a big success.
Why, in a few more weeks, We can buy all the shampoo labels you need.
I need more than shampoo labels, pinky.
I need gum? No, pinky.
You can't tempt me with the glitter of success.
Soon, very soon, Angst--The musical Will be triumph of the theatrical world! I have many offers pouring in.
And rain.
Spielberg wants to produce my show on broadway.
[Gasps] Steven spielberg? Well, no, actually, it's murray spielberg.
He owns the candy store on the corner, But he's got some extra cash.
Oh, and scorsese has agreed to direct.
[Gasps] Martin scorsese? Uh, no.
Stanley scorsese.
He's the elevator operator at the plaza, But he's got a good eye.
And i just signed goulet to play the lead.
Robert goulet? Yes! Poor brain.
He has so obviously lost his grip on reality don't you think? Oh, i suppose this isn't grand enough for you, Mr.
Mice-- The musical, Mr.
Big broadway star, Mr.
I'll take a stick of gum And wave it in brain's face Just to make him feel like a failure! But, brain there's the door, pinky.
Actually, brain, it's just a hole in the shoe box.
Whatever it is, use it.
I have to give notes to my cast.
Nigel, you have to emote more in the fourth act.
Pinky: i left brain there Talking to that nice actor fellow.
That was the last time i saw him.
Brain: now, everybody, from the top! This time make me feel it! Pinky: and that night, I gave the performance of my life.
Then i went to the theater and sang in a show.
[Gentle piano music playing] i'm pinky all alone, and it's stinky on my own, i'm so dinky since i've lost my best friend we were lab mice who thought we could take over the world but without brain i'm really sad narf! poit! egad! i sure feel bad since i'm all on my own people listen while the rooftops glisten and santa rides through the snow Ooh.
Poit! Huh.
Wrong song.
Ah, yes.
wandering all alone, i am wandering when i'd rather be pondering 'bout a duck and a hose how i miss when you'd use all of those really big words then you'd grab me by the nose! [Music stops] [Applause] Pinky: and that's how i won this really big award oof! And how i got this really big headache.
Thank you--Narf-- From the bottom of my heart.
But i'm not accepting this award for my performance, But as someone who misses norman brain! [Grunting] Mmm.
Whoa! Will there be anything else, sir? Narf! I would like some more of those lovely olives.
Waiter, more olives for mr.
Your olives, sir.
Why, thank-- Brain! [Gasps] Brain! I can't believe it.
What can't you believe, That i'm forced to support my art By working as a lowly, subservient waiter? You're a waiter? Ha.
I thought that was just a new hat.
You're awfully small to be a waiter.
Actually, i'm a laboratory mouse Trying to raise money to produce a hit play So that i can replace all the shampoo labels and take over the world! Oh, brother.
Ain't anybody just a waiter anymore? Brain i can't see you like this.
Of course not, pinky.
You've got your eyes covered.
You know, i thought it was something like that.
Pinky: i knew then That i would have to do something to help brain.
Brain, i'll help you.
Wha--Oh! [Guests murmuring] No, pinky! That door goes outof the kitchen! Oh! You're fired! Now you've done it.
You've gotten me fired.
Is that bad? Farewell, pinky.
I'll see you next year, When i shall receive the minnie fiske award.
Right now i must check the trade papers For a position that suits my great talent.
I'm here for the liebowitz bar mitzvah.
I'm the busboy.
Don't kid me.
You're a mouse planning to take over the world.
Hi! Pinky? Oh, i can't believe it.
You? Here? At the liebowitz bar mitzvah? Well, not exactly, brain.
I, um sort of tricked you.
Oh, i see it all now.
You're trying to make yourself feel better By giving me some kind of phony job in your show.
Well, i don't need your pity.
I never want to see you again! Aw, give the kid a break.
He rented out this entire theater just for you.
You did? But why? So you could present angst--The musical To every important critic in the world.
They're all here? Mm-Hmm.
I sent them each a lovely gift And a ticket to tonight's premiere.
Well, i i don't know what to say, pinky.
You just go out there and make me proud, brain.
You're going out there a busboy, But you've got to come back a star or at least a waiter.
Pinky: that night i witnessed the greatest performance I've ever seen in a theater.
Then i watched brain do his show.
i'm going to have to hurt you hurt you, hurt you have to, have to, have to hurt you, hurt you, hurt you baboon, spittoon, balloon harpoon, typhoon, lagoon boon, dune, goon, noon loon, prune, soon it must be april it's the schadenfreude polka the schadenfreude polka when they fall upon the ground you just laugh and dance around that's the schadenfreude polka and now i don't have any angst any angst! [Crickets chirping] Pinky, where-- Where is everybody? Poit! Uh, i don't know, brain.
And i sent them such lovely gifts.
Pinky, exactly what did you send them? I love it! The feel-Good shampoo of the season.
I lathered, i rinsed, I repeated over and over and over.
I'm sorry no one appreciated your play, brain.
Well, one day attendance will be mandatory, pinky.
Until then, i'll have to content myself With the quest for absolute power.
Good idea, brain.
Yes, pinky.
And to achieve that goal, We'll start with all the money you made From starring in a hit musical.
Oh, no, brain.
I invested it all in a sure thing.
Water-World--The musical! Um, does "sure thing" mean you lose all the money? Pinky why didn't you invest in my musical? Because yours was really stinky.
Well, perhaps you're right, pinky, But we'll ponder that back at the lab As we prepare for tomorrow night.
Why, brain? What are we going to do tomorrow night? The same thing we do every night, And twice on wednesdays-- Try to take over the world! Man: * is one of them smart? * Woman: * is the other insane? * Together: * they're dinky * they're pinky and the brain brain, brain, brain, brain warner bros.
Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.