Pinky and the Brain (1995) s03e25 Episode Script

The Megalomaniacal Adventures Of Brainie The Poo

Gee, brain, What do you want to do tonight? The same thing we do every night, pinky, Try to take over the world.
they're pinky and the brain yes, pinky and the brain one is a genius the other's insane they're laboratory mice their genes have been spliced they're dinky they're pinky and the brain brain, brain, brain brain, brain, brain, brain, brain before each night is done their plan will be unfurled by the dawning of the sun they'll take over the world they're pinky and the brain yes, pinky and the brain their twilight campaign is easy to explain to prove their mousey worth they'll overthrow the earth they're dinky they're pinky and the brain brain, brain, brain brain, brain, brain, brain Narf! warner bros.
Narrator: this could be the vivisection land Of any young boy, But it just happens to belong To a boy named christopher.
Like most small boys, Christopher has toy animals To perform heinous experiments on, And they all live together In a place called the acme woods.
brainie the poo Stop.
* brainie the poo * Must you sing? * surly, often churly * ♪ he loves to grouse ♪ The word is "churlish.
" brainie the poo What is this "poo" business? brainie the poo oof! power-Crazed, embittered old mouse There's an "e" in "home," you know? Narrator: now, one blowsery day, Brainie was sitting in his pondering spot.
Ponder, ponder, ponder.
Aah! Oof! Oh, sorry, brainie.
Narf! It's just such a blowsery day.
It would be if "blowsery" were actually a word.
I prefer to think of it As a perfect day to take over the world.
Observe.
Oh, brilliant, brainie.
You're going to start an army of mercenaries Led by tyne daly and shelley long.
Has it ever occurred to you, pinklet, That your scarf is constricting the blood flow to your head? Yes! And it keeps my neck all cozy warmy.
My plan is so simple, Even you will understand it, pinklet.
As you know, People in today's body-Conscious society Are obsessed with losing weight.
My plan is to secretly replace All the artificial sweeteners in the world With real ones, Thus rendering the world's population fat, Slow-Moving, and completely toothless.
You mean like the guests on jerry springer? Exactly, pinklet.
Oh, it is a happy plan, brainie.
Everyone will get to eat cakes and candy And chocolate and lovely packets of refined sugar.
Sugar is too expensive, pinklet.
Luckily, i know the location Of a veritable fort knox of honey Right here in acme woods.
Ooh, a fort.
Fort! Ha ha ha! Oh, can we play cowboys and indians? No, but we can play geniuses and numskulls.
Hmm.
How do you play that? Like this.
Troz! Who won? The hive led by the scariest, Most intimidating bee of all.
Bea arthur? No, pinklet, the queen bee.
Oh, wish i was as smart as you.
I wish you were as smart as a tree stump.
There has to be some way to get up that tree, pinklet.
Oh! Oh! I know.
First we capture a hundred fruit flies, Yoke them to our heads, dress them up as milkmaids, And tell them the cow they have to milk is way at the top of the tree.
And how do you propose we capture these fruit flies? Oh.
Well i mean, everyone knows that flies love honey, brainie.
I see.
And where do we get this honey? Hmm brainie, we're in luck.
There's a huge supply of honey At the top of this very tree.
All we have to do is find a way to get to it.
May i hurt you now? Ok.
Zort! Hmm.
That surge of testosterone Has given me an idea.
Me, too, brainie.
Well, not an idea So much as a large, painful lump on my head.
Well, pinklet, how do you like my disguise? Oh.
Um Good, brainie.
Yeah.
You look just like, um someone who rolled around in the mud For a very long time? I'm supposed to be a cloud of smog.
Smog? Yes, pinklet.
Camouflaged as a cloud of smog, I can get close to the beehive Without arousing suspicion.
Now all i need is something to propel me skyward.
Oof! [As mick jagger] hello.
I'm jagger.
J-A-Guh-Guh-E-R.
Pinklet, get him off me.
Hey, you! Get off of my smog! Sorry, mate.
No requests.
the wonderful thing about jagger is that i'm still swingin' my hips i can prowl on the stage like a cat half my age and i have my original lips i'm richer than adnan khashoggi my records are platinum, not gold but the grooviest thing about jagger is i'm really, really old Yes, very entertaining.
Now, why don't you go gather some moss While i figure out a way To get to the top of that tree? Well, why didn't you say so, mate? I'll get you up there quicker Than you can say "collagen injection.
" No, thank you.
That won't be--Gah! Narrator: and so jagger sent brainie flying right toward The honey tree, And he would have hit it, Had the wind not started to blow him Right past the tree, And he began to fall through A complicated passage in the story Until he finally landed in a hole.
There is far too much violence in this story.
Narf! Brain, why is your head stuck in a rabbit hole? The question is, why isn't your head stuck in a rabbit hole? Oh.
Ha.
My head wouldn't stay stuck.
Narf! [Mockingly] "my head wouldn't stay stuck.
Narf!" [Gasps] Brainie, when you said "narf," Your head shrunk.
Poit! So it did.
Narf.
Poit.
Egad.
That explains a lot.
Narrator: sometime later, Brainie and pinklet decided to visit their good friend christopher To see if he could help.
Hello, christopher.
Hello, pinklet.
[As christopher walken] brainie, let me confess something.
I tell you this because, As a megalomaniacal genius, I think you'll understand.
Well, actually, we have to get some honey from a-- Sometimes, when i'm riding my bike around dusk, And i see the 2 rotating reflectors Of another bike coming towards me i have this sudden impulse To swerve into this oncoming bike.
Ha! I can anticipate the horrible skid, The sound of my bell hitting the pavement, The milk flowing out of the carton All over the bread that my mom asked me to pick up at the store.
Narf! You know, i once fantasized About a giant noodle with the face of alex trebek.
Hoo ha ha ha ha! [Sighs] Well, i'd love to listen to more psychotic ramblings, But i've got to fly up a tree.
Well, why didn't you say so? I know who can help you.
Narrator: so they took their friend christopher's advice And went to see algore the donkey, Who lived on the next page.
Um, when does this scene start to animate, brainie? It already has, pinklet.
The question is, when does algore start to animate? [As al gore] the president and i are pleased with the manner In which we are moving toward the 21st century.
By building a very long bridge algore's just going to keep on talking, isn't he, brainie? Yes, pinklet, But at least we know where all that wind was coming from In the last chapter.
Narf! The warm breeze is rather restful.
Warm breeze.
Hot air.
That's it! Pinklet, are you pondering what i'm pondering? Um, i think so, brainie, But why would anyone want to pierce brosnan? As remarkable as this fact may be, pinklet, You've missed the point.
Algore is full of hot air.
We shall use him to levitate us to the upper stratosphere.
Algore: as we cross the bridge we have built To stand upon a platform built by contributions narf! Oh, we're finally going back to kansas.
I think i'll miss the scarecrow most of all.
Wrong book, piglet.
Oh.
Narf! Brain: yes, pinklet.
We're almost there.
[Buzzing] It is bea arthur.
Ow! Though in building this bridge To the 21st century no! No! Shoo! The president and i urge caution To guard against unfounded worries about inflation brainie the poo Brain: right now, it's deflation i'm worried about.
surly, often churly, he loves to grouse Pinky: whee! Wow! brainie the poo, brainie the poo That singing, it's incessant.
Oh, i think it's catchy.
I particularly like the "poo" refrain.
You would.
Narrator: brainie and pinklet Flew up and out of the book, Across christopher's room, And out of the window, Until finally they landed in my den.
And that is a whole other story.
Brain, where will we go, And what will we do? Frankly, my dear pinky, I don't give a-- dinky they're pinky and the poo, poo, poo, poo Poo! [Wailing] Alas, poor ghost.
Pity me not, But lend thy serious hearing To what i shall unfold.
Speak.
I am bound to hear.
So art thou to revenge When though shalt hear-- Narf! Narf? Uh, never mind that.
I am your father, luke.
Ha ha ha ha! Quiet, pinky.
Sorry, brain.
Poit! Pinky, methinks i shall have to smite thou.
Unh! Um, shouldn't it be "smite thee"? What say you of this "pinky," ghost? It soundeth strange to mine ears.
Never mind pinky.
I am thy father's spirit, hamlet, Doomed to walk the night Till thou shalt revenge My most unnatural murder.
Murder? Murder most foul.
The serpent that did sting thy father's life now wears his-- Pinky: pants.
Pants.
Wears his pants? I don't know, brain.
Where did you see them last? Wears his pants? What mean you by this? Not his pants.
His crown.
Sorry.
I am bewitched By spirits of the nether world.
Stop pulling that lever, pinky.
The hour grows late, ghost.
Get thee to the point.
Me thinks thou, uh thee--Thine uhyou rrr! I'm the ghost of your father.
Your uncle killed me, And i want you to get revenge, ok? My uncle? Oh, villain, smiling villain.
Yet will i sweep to my revenge.
Aah! Aah! Something is rotten in the state of denmark.
Oh, sorry, brain.
Must be this cheese danish I've been saving since the ides of march.
Narf! I must be cruel only to be kind, pinky.
Troz! Tell me again, brain, Why do we want to take over A tiny little country like denmark? First denmark, pinky, Then all of scandinavia.
I will begin my plan for world domination By opening large stores Filled with flimsy, impossible-To-Assemble wooden furniture.
Frustrated millions, Their minds weakened by years Of following nonsensical instructions, Will automatically follow these instructions-- Narf.
Brilliant, brain.
Umoh, wait.
Um what does this have to do with that omelet fellow? That's "hamlet," pinky.
You see, king hamlet, his father is dead, And his uncle claudius has married queen gertrude, his mother, And is now the king, usurping prince hamlet's place.
I shall set one against the other, And then, in the ensuing chaos, Rise to power.
Any questions? Umyes.
Do you have any threes, or should i go fish? Stupidity-- Thy name is pinky.
I am but mad.
North-Northwest.
Well, we've driven hamlet mad.
Now i've got to think of a way To make king claudius think that hamlet has it in for him.
[Bell rings] Look at this huge, tubey bell, brain.
Never mind about that.
And it's not a tubey bell.
It's a tubular bell.
It's tubey.
It is not tubey.
Tubey or not to be.
That is the question.
Narf! Oh, you see that? He's as confused as i am.
No one is as confused as you are.
He's mad.
Well, he should learn to control his anger.
He's not angry mad.
He's crazy mad.
Oh.
I hope he's not mad at me.
No, i'm mad at you.
About my brain.
Hmm.
I have heard that guilty creatures sitting at a play Have, by the very cunning of the scene, Been struck so to the soul That presently, they have confessed their evil deeds.
I wonder what he's up to.
Hark, pinky.
Hark? Um are you sure you don't mean "narf" or perhaps "poit"? I mean, i suppose i could hark, But--Ha--Remember, i'm new at this.
Hark! Hark! The play's the thing, Wherein i'll catch the conscience of the king.
A play? That's the best he could do? A play? Wait a minute.
Pinky art thou pondering that which i am pondering? Me think so, brain, verily, But dost thou think pete rose by any other name Would still smell as sweaty? Mark me, pinky.
I shall replace hamlet's play With a play calculated To make everyone in the palace mad at each other.
Then, in the ensuing chaos, I shall become the great dane.
Ooh.
I hope you're parchment-Trained.
Hark! What's this? Oh, that's the play i wrote.
Play? How did you write a play? With this goose quill.
Ha ha ha ha! Yes, pinky.
Well write it again, And this time i suggest you dip the goose quill into some ink.
That way, you can actually see the words on the paper.
Hark! Oh, good idea, brain.
Um, how do you spell "king"? B-R-A-I-N! [Trumpets playing] How fares our cousin hamlet? Excellent i'faith.
How now, my lord, You must mark this short play i have produced.
Your majesties.
Player, you are tiny of stature.
I am a very good actor, my queen.
I am only acting short.
All: ahh! And now 2 players garbed in lace and chintz Perform, as ordered by the prince, A piece in which we speak and sing entitled the big, fat, stinky king.
What? [People gasping] I must be mad.
What ho, fair maiden? Oh, big, fat, stinky king, I am but a wench named pinky, Yet thou art big, Thou art fat, Andhang on a sec.
Oh, yeah.
Thou art stinky! Say you, damsel, that i am stinky? Hark! And big and fat.
And i, a king.
Imagine that.
Like some other king, me thinks, Whose hugeness is rotund.
And stinks.
stinky, stinky big and fat a stinky king a stinky king oh, stinky king not small and thin oh, stink-- Enough! Away! But, this--This be not the play that i didst plan.
[People groaning] My plan is working perfectly, pinky.
Hamlet hates the king.
The king hates hamlet.
Hark, brain! Hark! Hark! Hark! Hark! Hark! Now we must visit the queen and convince her That both the king and hamlet are plotting against her.
Your majesty we wouldst speak with you about prince hamlet.
Hark! That's enough, pinky.
Hamlet: mother, mother, mother.
Withdraw.
I hear him coming.
Hamlet, thou has thy father much offended.
Mother, you have my father much offended.
Hark! Gertrude: come, come.
You answer with an idle tongue.
Hark! Hamlet: go, go.
You question with a wicked tongue.
Hark! Ok, that's it.
I can't stand it any longer.
Will you stop saying "hark"? How now.
A rat.
Dead for a ducat! Dead! Aah! Aah! Brain: alas, poor pinky.
Pinky: i'm actually not a lass, brain.
That was just a costume.
[Smack] Ow! Or is it "thou"? It is he, the smallish knave Who would sow seeds of discord Among us happy danes.
Happy? B-But-- Defend thyself, varlet.
Ha! [Both grunting] Uhh! Aah.
I am justly killed with mine own treachery.
[Groaning] [Gasps] I am dead, pinky.
Adieu.
Adieu.
[Croaks] Pinky in this harsh world, Draw thy breath in pain to tell my story.
Oh.
I die, pinky.
The rest issilence.
[Bell tolls] Good night, sweet brain, and flights of-- Man: ok, people, take 5.
That's all i can stand.
But what do you think of the play? Billy, billy, billy.
The play's got possibilities, But lose the mice.
They stink.
Second man: all right, i'll be in my dressing room.
Come, pinky.
We must return to the lab And prepare for tomorrow night.
Why, brain? What are we going to do tomorrow night? The same thing we do every night, pinky-- Try to take over the globetheater! they're dinky they're pinky and the brain brain, brain, brain, brain warner bros.
Captioned by the national --Www.
Ncicap.
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