Pinky and the Brain (1995) s03e26 Episode Script

Inherit The Wheeze

Gee, brain, What do you want to do tonight? The same thing we do every night, pinky, Try to take over the world.
they're pinky and the brain yes, pinky and the brain one is a genius the other's insane they're laboratory mice their genes have been spliced they're dinky they're pinky and the brain brain, brain, brain brain, brain, brain, brain, brain before each night is done their plan will be unfurled by the dawning of the sun they'll take over the world they're pinky and the brain yes, pinky and the brain their twilight campaign is easy to explain to prove their mousey worth they'll overthrow the earth they're dinky they're pinky and the brain brain, brain, brain brain, brain, brain, brain Narf! by warner bros.
[Coughing] The poor little mouse must have a cold.
It's no cold.
These test results prove that he's addicted To cigarettes made by your tobacco company.
You government scientists are funny.
There aren't any test results.
At least, there wouldn't be, If you came to work for my company.
If you're trying to bribe me, forget it.
I wouldn't work for your tobacco company For all the money in the world.
[Hacking] First i'll take over that world, then that world, Then that world [groans] scientist: enough! How could i work for a company That makes people as sick as this mouse? Playin' hardball, huh? All right, i'll double your salary And throw in all the cigarettes you can smoke.
[Coughing] I must have--[Coughs]-- Caught that poor little mouse's cold.
Don't worry, little mouse.
Tomorrow we'll put you in the addiction recovery program.
Electric shock therapy isn't as bad as it sounds.
H-Hey, i'll give ya a state-Of-The-Art lab-- Human test subjects-- [Coughing] Oh, give it up.
It's rats like you who should be in a cage Instead of those poor little mice.
We've got a free salad bar-- [Coughs]-- And a jacuzzi! Narf! Hello there, stinky, smoky boy.
Do you have a monkey in your pants? The expression is monkey on your back, And the answer is no, I am not addicted to cigarette smoking-- [Hacking cough] Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Look, brain.
You hacked up a lovely necklace of smoke! ring around the pinky brain is really stinky Narf! Very nice, pinky.
Well? Well what? Don't you have a plan to take over That big, round whatchamahoozits thingamabob? Oh, the world.
Uh, yes.
Just a minute.
Uh, i'll be right back.
Zort! Do you smell cigarettes? No.
I do.
Don't be silly.
Now focus, pinky.
Tonight's plan involves space junk.
Ooh! Are you going to make a hit movie with a basketball star And sell jillions of dollars worth of souvenirs? Actually, i considered that, But for my current purpose, I am referring to actual worthless junk.
Poit! So was i.
There are hundreds of discarded satellites orbiting the earth.
Unroll this blueprint, pinky.
I'll be right back.
[Coughing] Um, where did you go, brain? Nowhere.
Were you going nowhere because you smoke? Narf! How many different ways are you going to accuse me of smoking? Hmm oh, now he's gonna count.
Stop that.
I could explain 20 plans In the time it would take you to count to one.
Now listen.
Tonight, as all the discarded satellites Pass within mere miles of each other, I will manipulate the world's largest magnet To move them into position, spelling out, "Brain is your ruler.
" And pinky is your tape measure! Whaah! Hoo hoo ha ha ha! Troz! Look, brain.
I'm a fruit rolly-Thingie.
Brain? Brain! And just what have you been up to, You mouse who says there aren't any monkeys in his pants? I--Eh--Just had to check onsomething.
You were smoking, weren't you? No.
I was just oh, for ptolemy's sake, Yes, i was smoking.
I've been smoking all evening.
Are you happy now? No, i'm not! Look at what you're doing to your chubby, little pink lungs! [Sobs] Ok.
I'll quit smoking.
When? Soon.
Would you like a stick of gum? Stop nagging me, pinky! Now, come.
We must get to acme labs' rival: J.
--The jet repulsion laboratory.
There, the most powerful magnet in the world, The particle-Accelerated magneto-Tron, is housed.
But, brain, it's not polite to go to someone's house empty-Handed.
Or empty-Headed.
But there's not much we can do about either one right now.
Except have a cigarette.
Now, pinky, we must hasten to get The particle-Accelerated magneto-Tron.
Victory is so close i can smell it.
It smells like an ashtray.
The brain: pinky, look! [Pinky gasps] great big shoes! No! A cigarette! Oh, dear.
Zort! The monkey is still in brain's pants.
[Crunch] aah! [Crunch] ooh! [Crunch] eee! [Crunch] argh! Guard: what's on my shoe? Ugh! Oh! I wanted a turn on the big shoe ride! You always have all the fun, brain! Yes, a barrel of monkeys.
In mere moments, pinky, I will make the space junk Spell out, "brain is your ruler.
" You know--Poit-- I don't think they want you to smoke in here, brain.
That's just during the day, when other people are around.
Yes! [Buzzing] Brain! What's happening?! It's just the smoke detector.
I only need [Buzzing] [Zap] yaah! Brain you're still smoking.
Yes, but at least i'm not inhaling.
Buh-Ha ha ha ha ha! Ah-Huh! Ah-Huh! Perfectly good plan ruined by cigarette addiction.
My genius foiled by dreaded nicotine.
This o'tine fellow must be very clever To convince so many people to suck Burny, stinky leaf gas down their throats.
Pinky, that's it! Are you pondering what i'm pondering? I think so, brain.
But wouldn't his movies be more suitable for children It he was named jean-Claude van darn? No, pinky.
Cigarettes are ruining lots of peoples lives.
That tobacco executive stole the test results That prove, once and for all, that cigarettes are addictive.
If i could find those results and show them to the world, I'd be proclaimed a hero! But first i need a smoke.
The brain: this is where that thieving tobacco executive works, pinky-- The paul bunion company, Makers of lumberjack cigarettes.
Poit! These leaves give you cancer and heart disease.
And they are mild.
When we get inside, Look for anything marked "secret papers.
" [Coughing and hacking] That coughing reminds me, pinky, I need a cigarette.
There must be one in here still smoldering.
Now that you've, ahem, Taken care of those test results, We can work on gettin' congress To let us run tv commercials again.
And when they do, we'll be ready.
Take a look at this.
Man: timber! When i need a break from chopping down Those 4,000-Year-Old redwoods, I turn to lumberjack cigarettes.
The pure taste of burning leaves.
When you wanna feel that tar Going deep into your lungs, Try lumberjack cigarettes.
Chorus: * lumberjacks are swell * and they make your clothes smell above and beneath they leave--[Cough]-- Stains on your teeth pick the leaves of dead tobacco chop 'em up for lumberjack-O rolled up tight and lit on fire suck 'em down till you expire so when you get yens for those carcinogens the lumberjacks you bought taste like--[Cough]-- Cigarettes ought What kind of an ad is that?! Well, there's this truth-In-Advertising baloney now.
This is all wrong.
How're we gonna sell these coffin nails If we have to say all that stuff? We need a cuter image For the launch of our new brand.
That's it! Some kinda cuddly, happy character, Like a smoking elf or something.
Come back tomorrow with some ideas.
[Coughs] I want this new brand to launch big! We need to hook more smokers than ever before, And we need to impress the old man.
Look at that! Well, jab my lungs with a hot poker! It's that smokin' elf the boss was talkin' about! He must have had this set up all along! [Coughs] So what's your handle, little elf guy? I am a laboratory mouse with a debilitating addiction Who has come here to find the documentation he needs To take over the world.
My handle, as you put it, is the brain.
The brain! Hmm brainy cigarettes.
I like it! Smoke 'em and get smart! I'm gonna get started on this campaign right away.
[Coughs] i'll get the contracts drawn up.
[Coughs] You are the new spokesman for brainy cigarettes! You'll be a star! Mmm! There was something crunchy in there.
The brain: you're eating sand, pinky.
I must get the recipe.
Narf! This is the opportunity we've been waiting for.
A big, smelly sandbox of our own? No, pinky.
I am going to be spokesman for brainy cigarettes.
[Hacking] But isn't that a bad thing? They're using you to sell their stinky cigarettes.
They won't be using me.
I shall be using them.
Now that i'm an employee, I'll have access to all the secret files.
And the xerox machine! Please, pinky, we don't need any more copies of your face.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Troz! Brainy the elf mania is sweeping the country Through ads, t-Shirts, and toys.
People are lining up weeks ahead of time To buy this new brand of cigarettes.
Tobacco executive: keepin' cigarette commercials off of the tv Goes against the first amendment! But you're targeting these cigarette ads at children.
We're targeting these cigarette ads at adults! Really short, young, immature adults Who happen to like cartoon characters.
Watch this.
la la-La la la la la la la la la la la la la There goes brainy! Always after my pack of smokes.
Now, that's rich, cool, smooth flavor.
[Hacking] Nyaah! Gotcha, brainy.
Now hand over the happy sticks.
Ha ha ha! You kids aren't old enough to smoke.
But when you are, Make your brand brainy cigarettes.
Chorus: * brainy cigarettes * not for kids, but for the kid in you How do you expect us to approve something like that? And where are those missing documents from the addiction studies? You'd better have some answers, mister! All the answers you need Are in those envelopes right there in front of you.
Good answers.
Good answers.
Good answers.
Good answers.
The brain: this is the last box.
Those stolen lab reports must be in here.
[Crying] Oh, who cares? And just what is bothering you now, pinky? How could you, brain? How could i what? Pinky, what is this about? How could you help them sell cigarettes to children? Poit! You're a disgrace to elves everywhere! Brainy cigarettes will never hit the market.
I'm going to find those test results Before that commercial ever airs.
Really, brain? Pinky, where did you get this paper? I unrolled one of your cigarettes.
Do you realize what this means? Umit'll be harder to light now? No, pinky.
The writing on this paper Is a piece of one of the missing documents With the proof that nicotine is addictive.
[Hacks] They're making the stolen test results into cigarettes.
Come on.
We've got to get to the factory.
Elf power! Yay! Somewhere in here, Those research documents are being turned into cigarettes.
Then you must use your elf magic to turn them back.
"Elf magic.
" I think you have elves in your noggin! Ha ha ha ha! That explains the voices.
I can only-- Pinky! Up there! [Clang] Hurry, pinky.
Save the paper.
Be free, little papers! Run! Run! Unh! [Gasps] [clang] Pinky! Jump! Ha ha ha ha! Whee! Oh, this is fun, brain.
Whaah! [Clang] What was that clanging noise, brain? Whaah! Oof! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha! The brain: oof! Ow! Oh! It has become painfully obvious That we can't save those documents, pinky.
I'm going to quit.
Quit smoking? Hooray for you, brain! Wellyes.
But right now, i'm quitting as spokesman.
What do ya mean, you're quitting?! Ya can't quit! The live global broadcast To present brainy cigarettes to the world is tomorrow night! We've got millions of packs of cigarettes with your face on 'em Ready to ship to retailers.
You're already an icon.
He's a magic elf, And he won't do your evil bidding! Zort! Thank you for that ringing defense, pinky, But i can handle this myself.
[Whispering] T.
Is here? T.
? Here? [Hacks] now? Well, perhaps this'll change your mind! The old man is here! Oh, brain! This old man! Will he play knickknack on his--D-Ooh! Brainy the elf, May i present the president of the paul bunion tobacco company, T.
Bunion! [Gasps, whimpers] When i took over this company 20 years ago As a lad of 26-- [Hacking and wheezing] Pinky, that man is only 46 years old.
Look what smoking has done to him.
Tonight is the culmination of my dream--[Coughs] The worldwide broadcast.
With brainy cigarettes, we have the ability To reach every man, woman, and child on the planet.
Reach every man, woman, and child reach every man, woman, and child yes! Then you'll do the broadcast? Does a chimney smoke? Ha ha ha ha! [Coughing] Yahoo! Yahoo! Yahoo! Brain--Poit! What are you doing? A global broadcast, pinky.
Do you realize what that means? A broadcast around the globe? Bingo.
This program will be seen By every man, woman, and child on the planet.
This is my opportunity to take over the world! [Coughing] This is it, pinky.
Once i convince everyone to smoke, I'll put an additive in the tobacco That will make them worship me.
But you said You weren't going to sell to the little kiddies, You hippopotamus! It's not "hippopotamus.
" It's "hypocrite.
" And i'm just taking advantage of a bad situation.
Well, you just tell that to all the children Who end up like that old man, playing knickknack up in heaven.
Announcer: live from the dorothy gale pavilion, The paul bunion tobacco company brings you Brainy the elf! That's my cue.
Aren't you going to wish me luck? [Sobs] la la-La la la la la la la la la la la la la [Squeak] Hold it, mr.
Stop the music.
Ladies and gentlemen, I came out here with an agenda of my own.
But instead, I want to apologize for what i've done.
I'm sorry if i gave anyone the idea That smoking is good.
This tobacco company has gone to great lengths To hide the evidence that cigarettes are addictive, But believe me, they are.
You go, girl! What in blazes is he doing? Call the satellite hookup And pull the plug on this travesty! And to all the children i may have influenced-- [Coughs] This is how you will end up if you smoke.
[Gasps] [Wheezes] i call an ambulance! He can't breathe! You're standing on my air hose! Oh.
[Wheezes] Hurrah! Oh, you did it, brain! You gave up taking over the world To strike a blow against cigarettes! Occasionally, pinky-- Not often, but occasionally-- There is a price that is too high to pay.
Now, come.
We must return to the lab And prepare for tomorrow night.
Why? What are we going to do tomorrow night? The same thing we'll be doing every night In the foreseeable future: Trying to-- [Coughs] Quit smoking.
Hand me that nicotine patch, pinky.
they're dinky they're pinky and the brain brain, brain, brain-- [Singers coughing] by warner bros.
Captioned by the national --Www.