Plan Coeur (2018) s01e02 Episode Script

The Sloppy Plan

1 He's a hooker.
What do you mean? Jules! Her super date.
He's a hooker, a male hooker.
What are you saying? Was she good in bed? - What? - That girl tonight.
We didn't fuck.
- Wasn't it a "full"? - It was.
Actually, her friend booked me to help her get over her breakup.
You have no idea, she gave me a whole scenario, like, perfect guy.
But the sweet part? It's two dates and she paid up front.
- Two paid up front and a scenario? - Yeah.
Not too shabby.
Who are you playing? Schoolteacher.
Cool, normal, charming.
Fucking cool! I've never had a gig like that.
Relax, it's fine! What could go wrong? What about she gets gonorrhea, herpes and? Shush! What about she just falls in love? This isn't Pretty Woman.
She won't fall in love with a male hooker.
But she has no idea your plan is a male hooker! Are you dumb or what? In Pretty Woman, he knows, he's the one who's paying.
Here, she's not, you are, so Actually, are you? Yeah.
Know what? Honestly, there's a 0% probability of her falling in love.
Listen, he's the kind of guy who goes like, "Bon appétit!" Enough, shut up! Change of destination, sir.
- Emilie - Shut up! A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES THE LAME PLAN THE CRAZY PLAN THE BOOTY PLAN THE HOOK-UP PLAN We'll get there faster on foot! Sorry, she can be rude, but give her a good review.
Ciao, Amine! - You know, you're losing your shit.
- Shut it until we get to her place.
- Then you can tell her everything.
- Just trust me for once! I briefed the guy.
I did an amazing job.
I gave him all the clues to turning her on.
You met him in person, you prick? - It's ringing, it's her! - What should I tell her? Dinner Friday night.
Of course, you found it.
Where? In Charlotte's purse? No, on the bar at the puff party.
ROGER LA GRENOUILLE, 8 P.
M.
? - Can I swing by and get it? - I can drop it off.
- I'd like to see you again.
- You're wasting my time.
Smile! - Like that? - That's the shit! - By the carousel? - Perfect.
See you then.
All right, listen, from now on, this is your new phone.
How could you do this to her? She took enough shit from Max, didn't she? It's disgusting! It's not what you think.
It's a new app, like Deliveroo for your pussy.
You can find anything you want.
It's full of cocks! - No.
No.
No.
- These cute dicks are all men.
- I thought you wanted to help her? - I'm done listening to you.
And it's illegal and you know it.
Wait! Seriously? How can you be so boring? I'm all about giving! You know that! For real? How do you pay for what you give? You've been squatting upstairs for two years because you're broke! - That was not classy.
- I hope you're ready to explain yourself.
Christ, stop being such a control freak! Just let it go.
Think about Elsa.
"I really enjoyed hanging out with this guy.
OK, I did freak out but it really felt good, that's crazy.
Good night now, love you, girls, El.
" Stop sulking! It's no big deal! I just paid for two dates, he loosens her up a bit and it's done.
If I see the tiniest ounce of feeling for this man from Elsa Yeah? What are you going to do, stop talking to me? You'll be miserable, I'm your BFF.
Get us an Uber.
Oh, you bitch.
We are not walking home! Milou! You're such a pain! - Such a pain in the ass! Milou! - You are the pain.
Tonight, at the station bar Igor is down, feeling blue Always having a brew As his Katie, his pretty Katie She just chucked him out His Katie chucked him out And he's drawn a blank This old grand duke with his schemes And his white Russian tips and tricks My tactic was tacky Says Igor in a snore Blind drunk on the bar counter A white Russian feeling blue Strange stroke of fate! The ribald revelers chuckle away Igor, once more, emits a snore But here by his ear Marvel! It's a silver clock Giving him hints and tips In his deep slumber Tick-tock, tick-tock NEW MESSAGE TO: JULES DUPON WHERE ARE YOU? Your Katie chucked you out I'M COMING! Lame.
Come on, one bite for Mommy - Come on.
- Hm Not sure about your sugar-only diet for him.
I'm not feeding him sugar only.
I give him French fries, pasta, kebabs.
And even pâté.
Give me a break.
So, have they left yet or what? Wait.
Hear the waterfall down there? - It's morning pee time for Milou.
- Antoine! Now she's yelling at my brother for some very serious stuff like a spoon he put in the dishwasher the wrong way.
Listen.
Shit, there's nothing! We can go grocery-shopping later if you want? And then go antiquing in a fancy neighborhood and brunch with your friends who have kids.
That's how you're going to get me fucking wet! You curse like a sailor! You need to make an effort at your interview later, OK? Yeah, but I'm not positive this job is the right fit for me.
Cream puff boutique manager? - And the boss is a kinky sex fiend.
- Well, then, you better press charges.
- Hello? - Who is it? Wait a sec.
It's your dad.
- I'll meet you before your Eurostar? - OK, sounds good.
Bye! Hello? I can't talk right now but let's meet at the same place at 11.
OK, that works, perfect.
- Was that the guy? - My brother's not home? You need to stop doing this! Looks like you haven't had your good-mood trimester yet? He has.
Don't! Antoine, she's doing it again.
She's doing it again now! No, that's enough.
Stop putting your keys here, we'll get broken into.
Yes, they'll steal your set of non-stick pans.
- Enjoy your yoga, sweetie! - Yes, I will! - Thanks.
- Have a nice day! - Antoine? - In the bathroom.
- Did you get my Weetabix? - Morning.
- Morning.
Did you get my Weetabix? - I did, it's in the kitchen.
Ah! Bestest bro del mundo! See you later! - You didn't flush! - No time! NEW MESSAGE TO: JULES DUPON FANCY A DRINK WITH MADAME PORK ON FRIDAY? That's so lame Hello.
Hello.
Morning.
- You seem to be doing better? - Yeah, yeah, totally, yeah.
Yeah.
- So, you heard about the sports center? - Vaguely, yeah.
The issue is so touchy.
The mainstream media is already on it.
Nightmare.
I don't know what to say.
Tell the truth? Oh, no, wait, you're not good at that.
You're not going to kick them out? Why not do that? That's your solution for fixing problems.
Goodbye.
Goodbye to you.
Yes, technically, they went in, but the center has been closed for three months.
Listen, last night, it was freezing, they had nowhere to go.
Sir, migrants are also human beings, do you know that? OK.
Honestly, besides you, who gives a shit if they sleep there? So, your complaint, you can fold it up and shove it up, deep inside your ass.
Thanks for your call.
Aah! - Hello.
- Hi.
What the fuck is going on? I paid you for the full show, not for a mixed plate and bed.
I'm sorry but your friend is like Fort Knox.
She's just nervous, dude.
I'm paying you to get inside her fortress.
Normally, when I show up, I find the door wide, wide open.
- Nuh-uh.
- If she doesn't want to, we don't.
Golden rule.
You're supposed to eat this with milk.
Can you stay focused for two seconds, please? So, step two.
This is the plan.
Stick to it exactly as it's written there.
And then you're going to make her eat this.
She'll spill on herself, for sure.
Then, take her top off Well, you know how it works.
- OK, I'm going to try.
- No, not "try".
You make it happen! You make it happen, dude! Memorized your script about your dad, the doorman story? Yeah.
- You're not convincing.
Did you? - Yes.
Do you trust me? Yeah? Yeah.
I guess I do.
Good.
Ah, embarrassing detail.
Your credit card payment didn't go through.
You sure? Pay me before tonight, if not, this picnic is just for me.
Seriously? I must have 1,000 credit cards.
That's not a problem.
Who do you think I am? Ah, Jules, Jules, Jules! What do you think of her? She's adorable, isn't she? - Is she adorable or not? - Really, does it matter? You have a crush? You have a crush on her? I knew it.
Hey, make it happen, OK? I know you can do it! I'm a genius! Benjy, my little buddy! How is it going? - Did you like it? - He's improved a lot, really.
- Hi, Manon.
- Nice to see you.
How are you? - Are you coming to Karine's party? - I'm not really sure yet.
Maybe.
Sounds like you're popular.
Yeah, right.
To-do list from my girlfriend.
- And this.
- Ah.
Oh, wow Yeah - Well, see you later.
- Yeah, see you.
Now, in Weetabix boxes, there's 16 biscuits.
It used to be 32 or even 34 sometimes.
Isn't that crazy? - That's marketing.
- Marketing? What they do is give you half as much Weetabix so that you buy twice as many boxes.
It makes sense.
Yeah.
Uh, by the way, do you have 200 euros to lend me now? Right away, before, like, 6:30? - Uh - It's for Elsa's birthday.
My card was But I already gave a good amount on your website.
- You're right, her birthday fund.
- Let me check if I have No, no, don't worry, it's fine.
OK, I'm not walking you to the train, this is not Titanic.
PROBLEM WITH YOUR CONTRACT.
STAY IN PARIS.
CALL ME.
- Are you OK? - Uh, yeah.
All good.
- Yeah.
- OK, got to go! - See you! Bye, friend! - See you when I see you! Oh, it's you.
That's a wrap for the snow! Hey, you want to have lunch with me? I know I seem unaccessible but, actually, I'm an awesome guy.
Or so they say.
My friend is running super late so I have a little time.
- Have we met? - Maybe you've seen me somewhere.
Oops.
That commercial.
The thing for Carole! - Yeah? - The extra.
He's in that commercial.
- The one who farts in the elevator.
- No way! - Yeah, you know, Flatuline! - Flatuline? That's part of being famous, man.
- So, did you kill it? - Wait a sec, I'm still in character.
It's a deep hole.
This will never be done before the baby arrives.
What, are you an architect now? OK, break time is over, guys, let's go! How long do I have to lie to my brother about your maternity leave? Antoine still thinks you're going to yoga? With all the supposed yoga, I could teach the Dalai Lama.
So, what's up with Jules? When are you going to call him? - Uh, well, I don't know, I'm stuck.
- Then, don't push it.
- You're not feeling it.
- Really? - Yeah.
- No.
Just send him a text.
- No.
- Yes.
- Hell no.
- Yes.
- Yes! - No! - She told you she's stuck.
- Yes.
Yes! But what? You want her cut up in pieces and eaten by pigs? Yes.
The guy who killed a girl he met on Tinder.
- What? - Wait! That's an episode of Black Mirror.
You're just rusty.
Let Chacha work her magic.
- Come on, wait, get off me.
I'll do it! - Stop! Hold on.
One sec.
Like this.
Simple, direct cute and sent.
- Oh, no! - You actually sent this? Oh, no, no, no! Shit, you're saying all this is potato starch? - The magic of movies, man.
- Pff! - We're not going to wait for it to snow.
- Yeah, it makes sense.
What's that? Is it a walkie-talkie? No, it's from Elsa's friend.
To get me into character.
- So, she's Elsa now? - I don't get her text.
Look.
- Don't mess with it.
- This thing can't read emojis.
I'll forward it directly to my phone so we can decode it.
So? Peach, corncob, heart.
- Nasty chick, Miss Elsa.
- Not really.
So, what do we answer? Here.
- A theater? - Hm.
I have to turn her on with a theater? You're not turning her on, she's a client.
Just type what's on the paper.
All right, but I'm still adding eggplant and eggplant peach, tongue.
- Classy.
- Seriously? I'll see you at the backstage entrance.
Déjazet Theater.
6:30 p.
m.
And then, because you're a pro: corncob, donut, drip, drip.
Done.
- And you're sure this will display OK? - Man, am I a geek or not? Send it.
- He replied! - Mm! - What did he say? - Alien, alien, poop, baby.
Backstage entrance.
Déjazet Theater.
6:30 p.
m.
Santa Claus, hospital, hospital.
A psychopath's reply.
It's positive, right? It's not negative.
You've got a second date, babe! - The aliens must be a metaphor for us.
- Hm.
And the Santa Claus means you're a gift from Heaven.
- You think? - I don't.
- Déjazet Theater.
Intriguing place.
- Yeah! - He's so unique, I love that.
- Calm down, it's a theater! But the poop part, I don't get that.
I know! Maybe it means him and I are like two aliens who met on this poopy planet.
Who gives a fuck! Just write back.
Don't play hard to get.
- It's slutty.
- Is it? - Yes.
- Nonsense.
- You're right.
Slutty.
- Yep.
- It's not! - Your last date was before the Internet.
- So what? - OK.
- So, you don't know shit.
- You make no sense.
DEJAZET THEATER I'm sorry, I'm always late.
Three minutes late isn't a big deal.
How are you? - Ready? - Yeah.
What is it? A surprise? Are you willing to trust me? Yes.
It's Jules.
- Hello, sir.
OK.
- Shush.
EMERGENCY EXI Where are we going? What's that? - This is so nice, you brought a picnic? - Yeah.
- What are we having? - Meatballs.
- No way! Meatballs? - Is that OK? - Meatball sandwiches? - Yes.
Really? I'm obsessed with meatballs! Oh, wow, the backstage door! That's so cool! - How do you know this place? - Come on.
Have you always lived in Paris or? I have but, you know, I think that I no longer look at the city I no longer We always go to the same places, it's boring.
We are - It's incredible! It's beautiful! - Come on.
And, you know, I really think it's a shame because we should act like tourists.
- Whoa! - Shush! Wow! Oh, my gosh! - Over here.
This way.
Come! - OK.
MANON: LUNCH TOMORROW? WITH PLEASURE - Is that you? - No, it's Catherine Deneuve.
- Wait, you closed the place down? - No, we hung out after the class.
Pregnancy chat.
- What are you doing? - I'm going to shower.
Can I join you? No, no, no.
No, I'm fat, I don't want you to see me naked.
I need some me time, I'm going to explode.
- Oh, my little popcorn! - No.
Put it on vibrate at least.
I hate those beeps, you know that.
We live in a world of constant beeps.
Beep on the dishwasher, on the TV, beeping washers and phones.
It's fucking annoying! Fucking annoying! - You're not mad at me, right? - No, not at all.
- OK, I love you.
- Me too.
I love this song.
Hm.
I can't be the first one you brought here.
Excuse me? I mean, the theater surprise, the concert, the picnic.
- Ah - Huh.
You You want to try a sandwich? Excellent diversion technique.
Well, OK, it's true.
I used to come here as a kid.
My dad was a big fan of music and theater and He couldn't afford tickets but had a deal with the doorman.
Yeah? So, it's not the first time I've come with someone.
But, with a girl, it is.
In my family, music is like a religion.
Shit! Shit.
- No big deal.
- I'm such an idiot! Why can't I just stay clean like all those girls with their perfect layered bobs and their slim jeans with zero creases? I'm such a mess, I look dirty.
Even clean, I look dirty.
What are you on about? Who cares? You know what? Let's take it off.
No, wait, wait, one second.
No, I - What? What's going on? - I - I can't.
I just can't.
- What do you mean? I just can't.
I'm going to leave, sorry.
- Wait, you're leaving? - Yes, I have to go.
What are you doing? We've got an hour left.
Elsa! Elsa! Elsa, wait.
Elsa! Just wait! Damn it, I'm so sorry.
- I'm so sorry, tell me what's wrong.
- Oh, everything, I mean I'm totally useless.
No, you're not.
You're everything but useless to me.
You're gorgeous.
You are.
You are so pretty you make me forget your shirt is disgusting.
Don't leave like that.
It all sounds good to me but you fuck on your next date.
There won't be a next date.
OK, what's going on here? What's up with you two tonight? Are you hiding something from me? Huh? OK, there's something that we need to tell you.
That Charlotte needs to tell you.
Are you coming? We haven't found a place for your surprise birthday party.
Oh, holy fuck! You freaked me out.
And And And And And And don't expect a joint gift, because no one contributed to your birthday fund.
For now.
Yes, for now.