Plebs (2013) s04e08 Episode Script


1 Hurry up.
I mean, this is torture.
If people can't use the pump quickly, they shouldn't be allowed to use it at all.
She can see there's a queue.
That's about the speed I go at, to be fair.
That's it.
Now, pick up the bucket.
And walk away.
And we're in, if the water hasn't evaporated by now.
Fire brigade! Coming through.
No, come on.
Out of the way, fella.
Fire brigade! We need to use the well.
Yeah, sorry, it's just we've been queuing for ages and there's loads of you.
Because of the fire and we need water.
- So - Well, so do we.
We're thirsty.
Well, that's not an emergency, is it? - It could be.
In time.
- I am pretty parched.
- You see? He's parched.
- Remove your bucket, fella.
- Fire brigade! - No.
You can't just wear red clothes and shout "Fire brigade" at people to avoid queuing.
Just wait your turn like everyone else.
You arsehole.
Come on.
Actually, Grumio, will you do the honours? Sure thing, boss.
Yeah! When in Rome Do as the Romans do Far from home All I got is you I can't believe how arrogant those red pricks are.
Tell me about it.
All they do is tip water on stuff.
I know, even a cloud can do that.
Evening, Romans.
Ooh, it's pretty banging in here not.
You're early is all.
We're only empty cos our punters are still at home, - having a bath.
- Or having a snooze.
- Or having a shave.
- Or having a poo.
Or they're drinking at the sexy new bar across the road.
- What? Another bar? - Yeah.
It's this Germanian place called Wunderbar.
They serve these big sausages and this cold broth called beer.
Oh, shit.
This is bad.
We need to see what we're up against.
- We need to try the sausages.
- Aurelius, you're in charge.
Really? Right.
I mean, it'll probably be jizz, right? What do Germanians know about bars? OK.
So it's not jizz.
Hallo, guten Abend.
- Yeah, hello.
- Hello.
- Hallo.
- Willkommen.
Welcome to Wunderbar.
My name is Lucas.
Here is my sister Stefanie.
Three beers for the gentlemen, Stefi.
- Yeah, great.
- And a sausage.
No, no, we can't stay.
We have our own bar across the road.
Yeah, if anything, we should be willkommen you to the area.
I thought that bar was closed.
No, that's just the look we're going for.
Inside it's heaving.
Here you go.
Our signature drink.
All the way from Germania.
You got it here quick then.
No, no, we brew it here.
It would not be efficient to make it in Germania and then transport it all the way to Rome.
No, it was a joke.
Very funny.
- Enjoy.
Nice to meet you.
- Bye-bye.
Ooh, now then.
- Oh, God, this is awful.
- No, it's not, it's delicious.
No, I know it's delicious.
For us, I mean.
Oh, yeah.
No, it's definitely awful for us.
- How do we compete with this? - Yeah, we don't.
We just reinvent our place.
It's like I've been saying, find a new angle.
We are not turning it into a strip club.
That is what you mean by "new angle"? No.
But we've got to do something.
Two words.
Puppet theatre.
Yeah, that.
Or the strip club.
- Or both.
- Sexy puppets.
No, that's appalling.
And weird.
Let's just think.
Try and come up with something for our bar that is fresh and cool and totally unique.
We can do this.
In fact, let's just copy these guys.
- This drink is incredible.
- Nice, yeah, that's way easier.
And I can figure out the recipe - with my highly sensitive palate.
- Mm-hm.
This is the same sensitive palate that confused salt beef with tree bark, is it? That was some very beefy bark.
Or barky beef.
Yeah, and while he does that, I can try and shag Stefi.
And that's relevant how? You know, like bang some secrets out of her.
So drinking and humping? That's the plan? You two really are so noble, aren't you? - OK, so you got a better idea? - Er No, fair enough.
Mission approved.
- Hey, Gloria.
- Oh, hi, Marcus.
- What's going on? - Lucas is giving me his piss.
I need the ammonia for a bumper-load of laundry.
And I have plenty from my "bumper-load" of customers.
I thought I was your piss supplier.
Oh, I didn't know we were exclusive.
Oh, dear.
I'm sorry if I'm taking your place, Marcus.
It's an informal agreement.
Forgive me if this is not how you do things here.
No, it is.
He's just being weird.
Also, Gloria, I wanted to ask you for a date this Saturday.
- Oh, um - What? Saturday Let me have a think.
Yeah, Lucas, that is really not how we do things here.
We don't just ask someone out direct, we get to know them, and try and gauge if they like us back.
- But I find her very attractive.
- Oh.
That's I mean, this is extraordinary stuff.
Sure, why not? Wunderbar.
- That's a yes from you, is it? - It is.
Yeah, why? Got a problem with that as well? - No, no.
That's wunderbar.
- Wunderbar.
I'm very happy for you both.
Right, you're no longer in charge.
Yes, sir.
She's all yours.
Not much to report.
Got a few chaps from the fire brigade in.
What? Why are they here? They wanted somewhere quiet and sombre to drink.
Well, they came to the right place.
Yeah, they lost one of their men earlier.
Apparently they were held up getting to a house fire, so by the time they arrived it was a bloody inferno.
On the plus side, they are really putting it away.
Right, and you're back in charge.
- I'm going somewhere else.
- Wow.
Oh, my Jove, it's him.
- Hello.
- You arsehole.
Hey, no, thank you, mister.
Do not call him an arsehole.
We lost one of our good men and true today thanks to you.
You see, your bullshit at the well, it made us late.
Yes, I I mean, I was waiting for some time but, no, you're right.
I was out of order.
I was "well" out of order, if you will.
I should rip your arms off for what you did.
- He was a good man.
- And true.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Please don't do that.
I tell you what, this is my bar, so how about, as a gesture of goodwill, I get you guys a round of free drinks? - A round? A man died! - A night, then.
One night of - Are you serious? - A week.
Seven nights of free drinks.
Plus bar snacks, yes? - Mm-hm.
- Yeah.
Plus bar snacks.
Salve, Grumio.
All right, big lad? You've discovered beer too, then? I haven't discovered what's in it.
That's the problem.
Want to make it at our gaff, if you've got any ideas.
Now you're asking.
I'd say water.
And, well, brown.
Yeah, that's what I'd got.
Water and brown.
After that I'm blank.
You're gonna have to keep on drinking, then.
Ugh, it's hard graft this research business, innit? What? What are you smiling at? Ah, nothing.
I just really like it here.
- Oh, ja? - Ja.
It's got everything, hasn't it? Music, beer Whatever it is you call that barmaid's linen blouse.
We call it a Bardameleinenbluse.
It's another world, innit? Tell me everything about your country, and the beer, and your culture and how you make beer.
Ach, nein, Germania's boring.
I couldn't wait to leave, you know.
Exploit the freedom of movement you get from being part of the Empire.
I had a real wanderlust.
- You know this word? - No, but I can guess.
Wanted to meet guys like me basically.
You want to try one of my special wurst, Jason? - Homemade.
- Yeah, go on, then.
What's the wurst that could happen? Oh, wow.
- That's gonna be tight.
- Ja.
All right.
Oh Oh, shut up! I hate that bloody hen.
- It's a cock.
- You're damn right it is.
Running its beak off at this time of the morning.
So did your sensitive palate deliver the goods, then? Well, here's the thing.
The more I drank, the less sensitive my palate became.
- Yeah.
Funny, that.
- I know.
In the end I couldn't get much further than water and brown.
- Hallo.
- Hallo, hallo.
- Nice threads.
- Dankeschon.
Please tell me you didn't buy those.
I borrowed 'em off Lucas.
My tunic was in a bit of a state this morning.
I really don't want to know.
Absolutely splattered in sausage juice.
God, that's revolting.
No, I mean the juice from an extra large wurst.
Although I did get jizz on 'em as well.
- Smashing.
- I tell you what, I totally get why Germanians wear leather shorts now.
- You just wipe everything off.
- Like a bib for your body.
- Like a body bib, exactly.
- I want a body bib.
So, sorry, you did it, then? - You honey-trapped the barmaid? - Yeah.
I didn't just sit there eating sausages and jizzing myself.
And? What did you find out? Oh, loads.
She is fascinating.
Her and Lucas are from this beautiful little town called Furstenwalde of the Spree, which is one of the largest carrot producing areas - in the whole of Germania.
- Oh, it sounds wicked.
And they have this kite festival as well.
- What about beer? - Uh? What did you find out about beer? Oh, yeah.
Nah, nothing.
- That was the whole point.
- Yeah.
We did have some well noisy Germanic sex, though.
- How does that help? - No, I know, it doesn't.
You know, it helps me.
In terms of my overall mood and fitness.
But Sorry.
Well, I expected you both to fail, obviously, but this is pretty spectacular.
Why not, Grumio? Fart on.
You can't really make things worse.
Oh, sorry, that is yeasty.
Hang on.
That's an ingredient, in't it? Ha-ha! Who's failing now? So, all in all, we've got 47 Denari and 20 sesterces.
Plus 33 bottles of wine and 79 peanuts.
78 peanuts.
Which means, barring a sudden upsurge in customers, we can only afford to stay open for another nine days.
We've a customer.
Maybe don't shout "customer", Grumio.
It's a bit desperate.
Also, this one's not a customer in the strictest sense as he's getting free drinks all week.
What? Why? Because, you know, we have to support the good men and true of the fire brigade.
And because you murdered one of them.
Well, murdered's a bit strong but I guess I helped kill a man, so, what are you having? Oh, don't worry, I'm not after a drink.
Oh, good news.
I just wanted to book in our annual fire brigade party.
On Friday.
- This Friday? - Mm-hm.
Could we make it next Friday? Would that work for you? No, because then it wouldn't be free, would it? Yeah, but come on, the free drinks thing wasn't meant for massive parties.
That's a bit of a piss-take.
Well, you should have let us in at the well, shouldn't you? Arsehole.
Mm? I mean, that is a huge booking for us.
I realise we're paying for it, so it's even worse, but still.
Yes, it's much worse.
We're done for.
It's over.
We are officially all out of options.
Book overboard.
So, guys, I am interested in buying your bar.
Is it for sale? We should at least hear them out.
No way.
I ain't hearing shit.
We can't give up on our dream.
You see, I'm thinking maybe we can.
We could have a new dream: one where we're not selling shit wine to invisible customers in a converted toilet.
But I can make beer.
Trust me.
Now I've got water and yeast, I've almost cracked it.
Yes, but, wet yeast aside, Grumio, The Crown and Toga's hardly a roaring success, is it? And Wunderbar's coining it in.
Think about it.
With the amount they're earning, they're bound to make us an offer that we can't refuse.
800 Denari.
800? You must have missed off a couple of C's, mate.
- We think that's a fair price.
- Well, it isn't.
Our bar is worth way more than that.
This is what we take in a month.
Or a week.
We happen to know that you have almost no customers these days.
Oh, no, how do you know that? As in, that is not true.
We have plenty of customers, - thank you.
- But things are so bad now that you plan to turn the bar into a puppet strip club, right? - Did you tell her that? - I Yes, clearly.
You were meant to be banging things out of her! She kept feeding me sausages.
- Ah, that explains it.
- No, it doesn't.
I can't believe you tricked me, you dickbag.
You tried to trick me too, you dickbag.
Look, guys, it is obvious that your bar is in trouble and you have no business plan to speak of beyond stealing our beer recipe or setting up some kind of Handepuppestripteaseklub.
But because we protect our secrets, and you do not, I suggest you take the 800.
No deal.
We are not selling, not now, not ever.
We may not be turning much of a profit per se but soon our bar is going to make some serious Denari.
Oh, yeah? How? By watering down your drinks? No, by making it the best bar - in the whole goddamn city.
- Mm! You're looking at the guys who took a rundown toilet and turned it into a slightly less run-down bar.
So if anyone here is opening a chain, it is us.
Fucking A! And you can keep your leather shorts.
I'll bring 'em back later.
We should definitely water down our drinks.
I know.
Why didn't we think of that before? Salve, boys.
- All right, Landlady? - I'll say.
I just bagged myself a nearly-new hydrangea.
From a memorial? Don't judge me, Beaky, it's just some dead fireman wanker.
Yes, I heard all about that.
Well, I watched it happen.
Stupid pricks only went to the wrong house.
Ooh, now, I did not hear about that.
That tosspot captain only took 'em to No.
12 instead of No.
They chucked half their water before he realised.
By the time they got here, it was blazing like a bastard.
So, it was the captain's fault? That's why they were late? Yeah.
That's why I got a free hydrangea, so, you know, every cloud.
- Danke for the ledertrouser.
- Bitte.
No, I'm not bitter, actually.
I'm disappointed if anything.
That you could pump me for information like that.
As I recall, Jason, you were the one pumping me.
Did you even mean any of it? Were any of those ja's and sort of yodelling noises real? Ja, Jason.
Naturlich they were real.
What about all of those times you said "unk"? Yeah, you see, I didn't know I said "unk" during that sort of thing, so, yes, they would have been very real.
Do I really say "unk"? Yes.
You say it a lot.
You see? Our minds might have been faking it, our bodies weren't.
And we should listen to our bodies.
So, she's like, "That's not the only thing that's on fire around here," if you know what I mean, And I go, "Oh, right, well, let me put that out for you.
" Hi there.
Sorry to interrupt while you're so hard at it.
Yes, we're between fires at the moment, fella.
I'm glad you came by.
I wanted to talk to you about our party.
Yes, me too.
We were thinking cocktails out of little red buckets.
Oh, what a witty idea.
And I'd love to.
But you're not having your party at my bar any more.
Seeing as your good man and true died not because I held you up at the well but because you clowns went to the wrong bloody address.
Well, it was a combination.
Oh, come off it, mate.
I know that's why you were late.
And it was your strop at the well that got me so narked that I read the numerals the wrong way round.
You shouldn't be doing such a highly skilled job, then.
That requires both splashing things and reading.
But, come on, the party's all planned for tomorrow.
- I've booked a dog-sitter.
- Couldn't give a shit.
Why don't you find another bar owner to accuse of murder, get drunk on his tab.
Mm, that's woody, like a stroll through a meadow in autumn.
- How many more do you need? - Pop it down, dickhead.
The Germanians are getting suspicious.
- What? "Dickhead"? - Shut up.
We're conducting vital research over here.
Oh, yeah.
I'm getting woody too, and farmland and maybe just a hint of the ocean.
Nah, that's I had calamari for lunch.
Just ignore that.
I'll try my best.
Hit me again.
Sorry, that came right from the bottom of the barrel.
Yeah, I can tell.
That is This is absolutely appalling.
- It's bloody barley.
- It's barley? - He's only gone and done it.
- It's barley! Oh, yes.
Actually, I'm a bit light-headed after that.
Hey, Gloria.
Sorry if I was being weird earlier.
You can get your piss from whoever you want.
Oh, OK.
I don't really need your permission but thank you.
Also, er, do you want to go on a date tonight, with me? I didn't think that was how we did things here.
I'm experimenting with the whole Germanian "saying what you mean" thing.
It feels quite weird.
You do know I've got a date with Lucas tomorrow? Or maybe not, if tonight goes well.
- What do you say? - I say, you'd better take me somewhere nice.
Oh, of course.
I know this fantastic converted toilet.
Sounds terrible.
See you there at 8:00.
Oh, unk.
I love immigration.
I have a wurst on the grill that I made specially to remind me of your shvontz.
Oh, Stefi, you're spoiling me.
Pah! Ooh, my Jove.
That tastes like pure evil.
Oh, I think I'm going blind.
And deaf.
- Why can't I hear anything? - Too much barley maybe.
There's still summat missing.
Damn you, beer! - Why is it so strong? - We've over-cooked it too.
It's become a sort of potcheen.
- A what, sorry? - You know, fire-water.
Devil's piss.
It's about 70% proof.
- We'll get there eventually.
- I know we will, Grumio.
You know why? Cos we are resourceful go-getters who can achieve anything we put our minds to.
- I believe that.
- Oh.
- That's quite a new belief.
- Well, I've got a date tonight.
With a woman I really like, who is aware that it's a date and has agreed to it anyway.
- Nice one.
- Thank you.
I feel like we're entering a new phase, you know? - Like we're finally growing up.
- I got the recipe book! Nicked it from Stefi's while she was grilling a sausage shaped like my dick.
- Boom-ting.
- Or maybe not.
- Go on.
Read it out, then.
- Oh, no, turn around first.
OK, so it's water, yeast, barley and hops.
- Hops.
It's hops! - Get in! - Hops! That's what it is! - Yeah! It's hops, it's hops, it's hops It's hops, it's hops, it's hops It's hops Hops, hops, hops Whoa, whoa, whoa, careful.
It's OK, I've got it.
I've got it.
- Whoa! - Agh! - Fire! - Fire! Fire! Our bar's on fire! Agh! Can we borrow some piss, please, Gloria? We'll pay you back in bursts.
Yeah, I've a load left over from the Germanians.
- Come on, I'll help you.
- Fire! Fire! Help! - Well, well, well.
- Oh, hi there.
Um, I realise you guys may not be my biggest fans right now but we've got a bit of a fire situation going on.
Oh, dear.
Well, that is a shame.
And if your good men and true could please put it out for us, we would a: be very grateful and b: give you free drinks for, I don't know, a month.
Or more? I'd probably take the boys to the wrong address, wouldn't I? Yes, very good.
You definitely wouldn't.
It's that one there with all the smoke.
Well, we'd love to help you out but we're in the middle of our party.
How about next Friday? Ah, wie schade.
Um, maybe we will take you up on that offer after all.
800 Denari, right? Well, that seems a little high now.
Mm, 700? - Mm.
- Oh, no, come on.
Oi! Where's my notebook, you pigdog? Yeah, sorry, it's in the All right, 400.
The offer is now 200.
We're out of piss from the jugs.
Let's see what we've got.
Yeah, I could go now.
I take it our little drink's not happening.
No, of course it's happening.
We just might have to find a venue a bit less hot.
I know this cool Germanian place.
It sounds perfect.
I'll just help with that first.
Budge over, boys.
Look, I think it's working.
Yes, come on!