Plebs (2013) s05e01 Episode Script

Jizz, I think we might have missed our turnoff.
- Well, have we all haven't we? - This map's a total dickhead.
There's tons of shit that's just not on it.
Like that tree.
Or that plough over there.
- Do I need to turn the cart around or not? - We'll be fine.
Fine? As in we'll definitely end up in Tuscany? Yeah, I reckon.
All this blue bit's at the side.
Blue bit? Do you mean the sea?! Oh, yeah, I do like to be beside the seaside.
- No, that is not what - Oh, yes! I'll have a pint of prawns and a nap on the beach.
Or a shag on the beach with a local hottie.
- That's what I call a holiday! - It's not a holiday! How many times?! It's a business trip.
To buy wine from a vineyard in Tuscany.
All right, chill, got it.
Tuscany.
Not a holiday.
- So are we going the right way or not? - We've missed our turnoff.
- Oh, you howling prick! - Hey! - Give it here! - Get off! That pig weren't on the map either.
Well, the wheel's a write-off.
Oh, good.
Because there's bound to be a mechanic around here.
The pig's a write-off and all, by the sound of things.
Oh, dear.
Let's do the decent thing and put it out of its misery.
Sure? I'm happy to eat it.
No, there is nothing decent about that.
Let's just give it a quick, painless death and press on.
- Yeah, cool.
Go on, then.
- I'm not doing it, you do it.
Your shitty map reading's the only reason we're on this road.
All right, aggy, I will.
All right, come on, Mr Piggy, let's get this over with.
I wish I'd got that extra collision cover now.
- It's a right old rip-off, though, isn't it? - This is how these rental companies get you.
If you want to be fully insured, you have to pay a fortune up front.
So you decide to risk it, and then, if you do have an accident, you have to pay 'em even more.
It's just brutal.
I feel your pain, boss.
- It's a bit sleepy, innit? - Don't oversell it, it's deader than that pig.
In the end.
Yeah, sorry, it put up a bit of a fight.
Do you reckon they know how to fix carts here? I doubt they know how to make fire here, Grumio.
Or walk on two legs.
- You fellas lost or summat? - Hey.
Yeah, we had a bit of a prang in the road back there.
- So I see.
You're a right old state.
- He's fine.
It's actually our wheel we're more concerned about.
That's a nasty one, that is.
Dad! Come look at this here.
Oh, that's a nasty one, that is.
Yes, thank you, we're aware of how "narsty" it is.
We're more trying to get it repaired so we can get onto Tuscany before dark, ideally.
All, right, well, we'll give it a go.
You'll need some new spokes, mind.
- Really, you can fix this? - Yeah, I'll get my man onto it.
I don't know if he can do it by nightfall, though.
Thanks so much.
I'm Marcus, by the way.
- This is Jason and Grumio.
- Hey.
I'm Atlas, this is my daughter, Calypso.
Welcome to Soggy Ditch.
Here, if you're hanging about, you boys should join us for dinner.
We should, I completely agree.
Right, Cally, tell Nanna we've got three more need feeding.
I believe she's down vineyard.
- Right you are.
- Sorry, you have a vineyard? Yeah, we make the best wine in the valley, if I do say so myself.
Here, bide where you be, and I shows you.
Come on, you.
Let's get to you seen to and all.
Oh, yeah, do see to me.
- You a wine lover, then, are you, Marcus? - You could say that, Atlas.
Full disclosure, we actually run the swankiest wine bar in Rome.
That's why we're on our way to Tuscany, to stock up the old cellar.
Oh, well, then, you'll need to give me your expert opinion.
I don't know bugger all about all that.
By all means.
Oh, yeah.
That's got a lovely big nose.
- Yeah.
- Long legs, a good body, generally.
Right-oh.
I don't know how it compares to your lush Tuscan stuff, mind.
Apart from the difference in price.
Yeah, well, Tuscan stuff is lush, you're not wrong, but is it too lush? I honestly wonder whether my customers wouldn't prefer something more earthy and cheap, - like, well, this.
- What?! Well, I ain't never sold my wine outside the village before.
You think them snooty, shitty folks might go for it? If it came with a personal recommendation from Marcus Gallo, they would.
I tell you what, you do me a deal for a few barrels now, and if it sells, I'll come back for a few hundred later.
A few hundred?! God! I'll drink to that! You're one of them Roman buggers joining us for dinner, then, are you? I am, yeah.
Grumio.
- What is for dinner, please? - Beef and truffle stew.
Now, then, that is extremely scrummy.
- Beef and what, sorry? - Truffle.
Our local treasure.
Don't tell me you never had 'em.
I have not, no.
This is not a food I recognise.
What are you playing at?! You're only meant to have shavings.
Oh, well, shavings aren't really a quantity I recognise.
- Go on, give us another bite.
- No, get off with you.
Shoo! Go on! So then I said, "How about I take 20 barrels for 200?" Which is half of what we'd have paid in Tuscany.
- Magic.
And what's the wine like? - Yeah, seems fine.
- I mean, I have no idea, obviously.
- It's red, it's wet, it's getting me lashed, what's not to like? Beef and truffle stew! With roast tatties and buttered cabbage.
If it's okay with you boys, we like to offer thanks before we eat.
To Mother Earth for giving us the fruit of our soil and the flesh of our flock that we'll enjoy together tonight.
Amen.
And also to, not Mother Earth, per se, but, well, our lucky stars we had a prang so close to Soggy Ditch and this wonderful family.
- Love it! - To new friends.
And to no more chitchat so I can eat my truffly stew.
- Master? - Sorry to barge in like this.
That's all right, Vulcan, what is it, lad? I just wanted to say I'm done mending the wheel - if your guests care to be leaving.
- Oh, right, fantastic.
That's okay, though, thanks.
We're in no rush now we've got our wine.
As you are, then.
I've not seen Caesar lately.
I'm worried something's happened to him.
Caesar? He was stabbed to death 20 years ago.
- Did the news not make it here? - No, no, no, Caesar's the name of our pig.
He's not come in for his tea, sir.
Oh, it's unlike old Greedy Guts to skip a meal.
Don't you worry, he'll be snuffling away in his trough come morning.
I'm sure he will.
Maybe we should get going now, - in fact, while it's still light.
- It won't stay light for long.
Sun drops fast round here.
You boys should stay over, I say.
- Very sensible.
Yeah, I agree.
- And you've too much wine in you, lad.
We don't want you having another prang, now, do we? So this area here, we call "the forum".
No way! We've got one of them in Rome.
Go on! I dunno what you do in your one, but here's where we have all our big get-togethers.
We once had 25 people here.
That's Old Tree there.
Then, down by here is our famous Soggy Ditch.
No way! This is it? Cor, I'm starstruck! So is it always soggy, like, even now in summer? You tell me.
Really?! You want to do this here, now? We've reached the end of our tour, so there's bugger all else to do.
But, I mean, in the actual ditch? Yeah, it is quite soggy, to be fair.
Stop hogging the covers, Grumio.
- I like having summat between my legs.
- And I like having something on my body.
Can you stop making that weird sucking noise? - It's like sleeping in a sink.
- Soz.
I'm just searching my teeth for bits of truffle.
I want more.
- I'm gonna get more.
- No, you're not.
You're going to sleep so we can leave first thing.
Just dream about truffles instead.
With less covers.
Bingo.
So you had your roll in the hay, then? It was more like a fuck in the mud, but, yeah.
Oh, lovely.
Pack up your things, we're off.
- What? Why would we leave now? - Why wouldn't we? I've got my wine, Grumio got his stew, you got your hottie, we all got what we came for.
Well, I'd like to get mine again if poss.
Maybe a few times.
Can we please, for once, leave somewhere before everyone hates us? Before Atlas finds out you drove a spoke into his pig.
And then did something similar to his daughter.
This isn't just some holiday fling, mate.
I really like this girl.
Me and Cally could be together forever.
Or some of forever, you know, like a couple of weeks maybe.
Look, either way, I'm staying here till it's run its course.
You boys head back without me.
Cally?! You all right, dude? You haven't seen Cally around, have you? Cally is mine.
Do you hear me, city man? I loves her, I do.
I loves her since we was babies.
All right, chill, I don't want any agg, okay? Like dirt, you don't.
Why you got to be doing it by my cottage, then, eh? Squelching around down in Soggy Ditch and making animal noises right under my face, it be! The position was Cally's idea in every sense.
Don't you dare blame Cally, you wormer.
We've got code round here.
Never heard of a country code? Yes, sure, like, er, don't start fires, always shut the gate Two men after the same girl have to fight for her.
To the death.
Oh, right.
Not heard of that one.
Well, now you know.
Forum.
Sundown.
And bring a bleed.
Cos I am gonna gut you, city man.
I'm gonna gut you like a badger.
- And how much for the wheel? - Oh, no, no, no, that's on me.
- A token of our growing friendship.
- Oh, wow, that's incredibly kind.
You lads, you're welcome here any time.
- Especially to buy all that wine.
- Then you'd better get making it.
Atlas! You move my truffles somewhere? I need 'em for market.
Now, Nanna, why would I go and do a thing like that? Well, someone's moved 'em.
- Right, well, we should get going.
- We really should, yeah.
I thought you wanted to let your relationship run its course.
Yeah, it did, it sort of sprinted its course in the end.
It were you, weren't it, shorty? You snuffled my truffles.
Bye, then.
Thanks for having us.
Hold up, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on up.
Oncoming! Atlas! It's Caesar! We found him on the road.
Oh, dear.
That is a nasty one.
Right So by my reckoning, you owe me another 250 denarii.
- 250? You out of your mind? - Grumio, please.
Are you out of your mind, though? You got all your wine back.
Yeah, and we only killed, like, one pig.
That weren't any old pig, though.
Caesar were a prized truffle hunter.
He'd earn us a fortune every show with what he'd snuffle out.
Then there's the truffles your man-child stole, and the cart repairs Well, I thought that was a token of our growing friendship.
Yeah, but now that friendship's shrunk down to fuck all.
Sure, and I get that, just we don't have that kind of cash.
You told me you own the swankiest bar in Rome.
Yeah, that was a bit of a porky.
If you'll pardon the expression.
What a surprise.
Well, you'll just have to work off the debt, then, won't you? - On the farm.
- Okay.
That might not be so bad.
Sure, we can pick some grapes or summat, one for you, one for me.
No, no, no, no.
You'll be tilling the south field down by there.
It should only take a month or so.
I'll fetch some tools directly.
Morning.
Hey.
Cally, hi.
All right, my lover? Last night were lush, weren't it? Yeah, it was Well, quite a lot like that, I guess.
Get on all fours tonight, and we'll try and fill the bucket.
Yeah, I might not make it through till then, your talking scarecrow ex-boyfriend wants to kill me at sundown.
Bleeding hell, does he? I didn't mean for that to happen.
Didn't you, though? Cos you did choose to get jiggy right outside his lair.
I just wanted to him to get the message that me and him's over, and that he should drop it.
Well, he didn't get the message.
In fact, the whole message-getting part of his brain seems to be made of cheese or something.
This is a right pickle.
No shit.
He's gonna gut me like a badger.
Oh, dear.
Well, lovely meeting you anyway.
Hang on, can't we sit down and talk about this like grown-ups? Please? Or at least find a solution that doesn't involve him turning me inside-out.
I'd rather have the fork than the spoon, to be honest.
It's a spade, not a spoon, you clown.
Oh, don't tell me you boys never done no digging before.
Not really, Rome's mainly paved.
Get to it, and I'll have a carrot for you at noon.
Carrot? What about the stew? Stew is for guests.
Okay, come on, Grumio, if we really knuckle down, we can get this done in a couple of weeks or so.
- Why is the ground so hard? - I don't know, just sort of is.
No, sorry, not for me.
Oh, please, Grumio, I'm not doing this on my own.
Let's not do it at all, then.
Oi, Atlas! Atlas, son, we're not doing your digging, mate.
- What are you playing at? - You get to work, lad, - or I'll lash you.
- No, ta.
How about I find another way of paying you back? Oh, no, I ain't gonna bed you, boy, you ain't my type.
No, sorry, I mean, finding you a fuck ton of truffles.
And how are you gonna do that? You murdered my pig, remember? - I'll use my truffle sense.
- Your what, sorry? That very first nibble gave me some freaky powers.
I could sniff out them smelly buggers anywhere.
- Is he soft up top or summat? - Er, he is softish up top, yeah, but in fairness, he did find Nanna's stash last night.
Trust me, I can be the new Caesar, if you just give me a chance.
Looks like we're going truffle hunting.
I'll round up the cousins.
Thank you, both, for agreeing to be here, it's a massive first step.
Why don't we start by saying what we're hoping to get out the session? And remember, there's no wrong answers.
Cally? I suppose, I want Vulcan to get that I need to see other fellas.
Great.
And, Vulcan, what do you want? - I wants Cally.
- Right, but if she wants to see other guys, then - I'll kill 'em.
- No, that's not gonna work.
What? You said there's no wrong answers.
Well, sometimes there are.
That is a wrong answer.
Are you sure you don't want to be with him, Cally? - If you really search your heart.
- I have done, and I'm sure.
Search a little harder, then.
You know, really have a nosy round.
Nah, the thought of his big flappy hands on me turns my stomach.
I know, what about an open relationship? What's that, then? That sounds modern.
It is.
Yeah, it's all the rage in Rome.
It's where a couple stay together, but are also free - to diddle other people.
- Oh, no, that won't do.
I wants Cally for mine and mine own, and that's an end to it.
I'm sorry, Vulcan, but you can't have me! You'll just have to murder everyone I sleeps with.
- Fine, I will, then.
- Well, don't give up now! - Violence isn't the answer.
- Hang on, he ain't trying to help us at all, - he just don't want me to gut him.
- Well, obviously.
This has got nothing to do with me, this is between you and Cally.
If anything, - you should be gutting her.
- Don't be daft! This has to be settled by the fellas, it's how we do it round here.
I will come and watch, though.
See you at sundown, city man.
I'd offer some words of advice, but I've not really been in this highly-specific situation before.
I just need to think like a pig, I reckon.
Shouldn't be too hard for you.
I mean, I've not had a wash in a while, to be fair.
Release the pig! No.
He's found one.
He's only bloody found one! We're on a roll now, baby.
No, that's badger shit.
Creeping off, are you? Like the shit pot weasel you are.
What? No, I wasn't creeping off, I was creeping round.
- You know, for fitness.
- Pig dirt.
You was fleeing.
And if I can't trust you to turn up on time, we're gonna do this right here, right now.
I haven't even got a weapon! There is a stick there, look.
Oh, no way.
Come on, Vulcan, mate, don't do this.
Look, as soon she meet another girl, you'll be over Cally in a flash, - I know you will.
- What other girl? The only other girl round here is my sister.
And is that not an option? Not really, no.
It's frowned on.
Just need to get out there more, meet new women.
- Stupid talk.
Where would I go? - Rome's full of girls.
Girls that'd go mad for your backward country charm.
Really? You reckon? Big time.
Hey, why don't you come with us and find out for yourself? I suppose, I mean, if Cally won't have me, - there's bugger all for me here.
- Yeah, now you're talking sense, boy.
All right, then.
Yeah, I'm in.
I suppose I'd better not cut you open, now, then, eh? Ideally not, yeah.
Good shout.
Yeah! Come here.
Okay! I'm so happy.
My truffle sense must've fogged up.
Probably got a sniffle from you nicking the covers last night.
Yeah, it could be that, could be my fault, or maybe your truffle sense - never existed in the first place.
- I found the stash, didn't I? I sniffed out the right jar.
So you knew they'd be in one of the jars, then? Well, yeah, I mean And how many jars did you look in before you found the right one? Only about Yeah, most of them.
Suddenly a bit less impressive, isn't it? Boys! Where the bloody hell have you been? - Get digging! - Fuck that, bruv.
- Come on, we're bouncing.
- Bouncing? Bouncing, how? I'll show you.
Hang on We've nearly earned those carrots.
I needs to stay with you for a spell, mind.
Just till I finds my feet.
- I could share a bed with the tiddler here.
- Great.
Sounds wicked.
We're taking the terrifying simpleton, then? We are, yeah.
Trust me, it was the best option on the table.
- Hurry up, Vulcan.
- Right you are.
Atlas, those boys be trying to scarper! - You what? - Atlas! See you, Cally! I'm going down Rome! I'm gonna get me one of them open relationships! Well, I'm glad you two kissed and made up.
No thanks to you, I could've been butchered today.
You still might if you don't get a wiggle on.
Oh, shit! The cousins! They've genuinely got pitchforks! - Make the horsey go faster! - I'm trying! - He's struggling with the extra weight.
- Come back here, you buggers! We needs to lighten the load! Not the wine! We need that! It's not enough, we need more speed.
Hey, Vulcan, how much would you say you weigh? I'd say about three and a half sheep? That'll do.
You wormer! You badger fucker! Eat my dust, you mouth-breathing bitch! Well, that was all a complete waste of time.
As if! That was one of the all-time great road trips, mate.
Yeah, that wasn't exactly my primary aim.
- And we are going home with fuck all.
- I wouldn't say that, mate.
Someone just found a cheeky truffle in his pocket.
- It must've fell in there last night.
- Nice one.
No, no, that is badger poo.