Pointless Celebrities (2010) s11e03 Episode Script

Grange Hill

Thank you very much indeed.
Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong and a very warm welcome to this special Grange Hill edition of Pointless Celebrities, the show that makes big winners out of the lowest scorers.
Let's meet this evening's Pointless celebrities.
And couple number one.
Hello, I'm Paula Ann Bland and I used to play Claire Scott.
I'm Lee MacDonald and I used to play Zammo.
Couple number two.
I'm Francesca Martinez and I used to play Rachel Burns.
I'm Stuart Organ and I used to play Mr Robson.
Couple number three.
Hello, I'm Michelle Gayle and I used to play Fiona Wilson.
I'm Erkan Mustafa and I played Roland Browning.
And, finally, couple number four.
I'm Todd Carty and I used to play Tucker Jenkins.
I'm Alison Valentine and I used to play Fay Lucas.
Thank you all very much indeed.
I can't tell you what a pleasure it is to have you all with us this evening.
We'll get the chance to chat a little bit further throughout the show, as it goes along of course.
So, that just leaves one more person for me to introduce - Mrs McClusky wants to see him after school in her office, but enough of his private life.
It's my Pointless friend, it's Richard.
Hiya! Good evening, everybody.
Good evening.
Isn't this brilliant? I love it.
I'm such a Listen, we are celebrating 40 years of Grange Hill in 2018, 40 years, which I think says two things.
Firstly, testament to the incredible behind-the-scenes crew and everyone who made Grange Hill for years and all of you here, everyone who was on screen.
It has been an incredible achievement to have done that.
But also it means how old are we? Oh, no, don't say that.
My goodness.
I remember it beginning.
Do you? Yeah, I do.
I loved Grange Hill.
This is such a pleasure.
Now, a few of you have been on before.
Erkan and Lee have been on together and we split them up this time.
You've got to watch, there is going to be a competition within a competition as to who can be better between and Lee and Erkan.
Genuinely, proper competitiveness.
Lee has teamed up with Paula.
Erkan has teamed up with a former finalist in Michelle Gayle.
So, a very smart move from Erkan.
But we also have a jackpot winner on the show and that is Todd Carty over there on podium four.
But very, very, very glad that we have Stuart here to keep control over everybody.
I'll do my best.
Mr Robson will be looking after the whole thing.
And you're looking very suave.
Thank you very much indeed.
What's that look? That's sort of geography chic? Exactly, oxbow lake chic.
Yeah, lovely.
Well, thank you very much.
Looking pretty sharp yourself.
Thank you very much.
As I say, I normally wear this on my days off, so it is nice that it's come in handy, finally.
Well, thank you very much indeed.
Now, as today's show is a celebrity special, each of our celebrities is playing for a nominated charity.
We are therefore going to start off with a jackpot of ã2,500.
There it is.
Right, if everyone's ready, let's play Pointless! All you have to remember is this, the pair with the highest score at the end of each round will be eliminated, so just keep your scores nice and low and you'll be fine.
Very best of luck to all four pairs.
Our first category this evening is Can you all decide in your pairs who's going to go first, who's going to go second? And whoever's going first, please step up to the podium.
OK, let's find out what the question is.
Here it comes.
We gave 100 people 100 seconds to name as many Oh, it's literally B minus.
Oh, that's fabulous.
Countries whose names do not contain the letter B.
That's clever, isn't it? Any country in the world whose normal short form name in English doesn't contain the letter B.
As always, by country we mean a sovereign state that's a member of the UN in its own right.
So any country whose name has no B in it.
Sorry, Richard, I've just worked out - your laptop's gone! Well, of course, because I'm celebrating 40 years ago when we didn't use to have laptops.
No.
The kids today, they wouldn't believe it, would they? No.
Yeah, we didn't even have Rubik's cubes when Grange Hill started.
Can you imagine such a thing? No.
We'd just started getting those calculators that we could write rude words on and that was it.
Thanks very much indeed.
Paula, welcome to Pointless.
Thank you very much.
Lovely to have you here.
Now, you went into Grange Hill.
You were at Italia Conti, weren't you? I was.
Now, what was it like at Italia Conti? Crazy.
It must have been.
Was it a bit like the kids from Fame? Yes.
But naughtier.
But far naughtier.
And then Claire came along.
Yes, she did.
And that must have just changed your life, like that.
Yes, it happened really quickly.
I was only at Italia Conti for about two months.
And kind of never went back, or no? Exactly.
That was it.
That was it.
And you never looked back.
Showbiz from then on.
So, now, geography.
Countries without a B in their name.
OK.
How are we feeling about that? Yeah.
I'm hopeful.
OK.
What are you going to go for? Guadeloupe.
Guadeloupe, says Paula.
Let's see if that's right and let's see how many of our 100 people said Guadeloupe.
Oh, Paula! I'm so sorry.
Maybe that won't be the last incorrect answer but I'm afraid it is an incorrect answer and it scores you 100 points.
I'm sorry, Paula.
Sorry, Paula, not a country.
It's a territory of another country whose name doesn't contain a B, so I can't say what it is.
But not a country, I'm afraid.
Lee looks gutted.
Erkan looks quite happy about that.
Yeah, weirdly.
Thank you very much, Richard.
Bad luck, Paula.
Stuart, here is a member of staff.
What was it like when you were filming? I mean, as a sort of grown up on the set of Grange Hill? Did you sort of keep with the other adults or did you all become great pals? There was a fair bit of mixing.
I was always amazed that the pupils - playing the pupils - I don't know how they ever learned their lines.
They seemed to go in by osmosis, because they were all on set and they were doing tutorials and they were doing their schoolwork at the same time and then they would suddenly appear and be with us and they were word perfect, all the time, as you can imagine.
And it was great fun.
As an actor playing a teacher did you feel slightly outnumbered? You used to have to stand up in front of a classroom full of kids, really.
Very much so.
And towards the end I was standing up in front of the whole school, to take assembly and stuff.
That must be quite nerve-racking.
It's almost as nerve-racking as this, Alexander.
Almost as nerve-racking as actually being a teacher, I should think.
Yes.
Now, you have nothing to worry about here, Stuart.
What are you going to go for? Well, I thought I might try Chad.
Chad.
Chad, let's see how many of our 100 people said Chad.
Very good indeed.
That is going a long way down, Stuart.
Look at it.
6, very well done.
Great answer.
They'll be pleased with that back in the staff room.
Well played, Stuart, lovely start.
Yes, it's relaxing that because it's got so few letters, you don't have to panic too much.
Yes.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Erkan.
Erkan, welcome back.
Nice to be back, Xander.
Very good to have you with us.
You introduced yourself as Roland.
Yes.
For some reason, everybody said "Ro-land," why was that? The character was "Ro-land" because the young lady who played my counterpart, Simone Nylander, it was written in the script RO-land, so she read it as "Ro-land".
There you are.
But you ended up at the White House.
Started off as Roland in the popular tea-time drama of Grange Hill and you end up in the White House meeting Nancy Reagan.
How did that happen? Yeah, I mean Lee was the character that was on drugs and the whole Just Say No campaign started and we got invited to go there.
We were lucky, there was only nine or ten of us that went.
And it was an amazing experience and one that will stay with me for life.
Incredible.
Now, Erkan, countries, countries without a B in their name.
The decent thing to do here would be to give an incorrect answer just to level the playing field.
No, no, no.
Yes! Lee? Yes! Lee? Leave it.
Angola.
Angola, OK, let's see how many of our 100 people said Angola.
It's right.
Look at that.
Down to 2.
Very well done indeed, Erkan.
2 for Angola.
Yeah, well played, Erkan.
Another African country, Angola.
Look They're going to have to be split up by Mr Robson in a minute.
He's well placed for the job, which is good.
Thank you very much indeed.
Alison, welcome.
How old were you when you went into Grange Hill? Erm, I was ten but I pretended that I was 11, because I think you had to be a year older for the character.
So you just lied? So I told a little white lie.
Fair enough.
Well, what were they going to do? So there you are, thrown in, but they had these They had quite gritty storylines, didn't they? Yeah! Fay certainly had some interesting storylines of her own.
I did.
Were you given a lot of support through that? Um, not really.
You just sort of did it.
I guess you probably did.
I know, but Fay, you know, Fay had an affair with a teacher.
Yeah.
Which was one of the storylines.
And how old were you when you had to deal with that? Erm I think I had I was getting on a bit then.
I think I was about 14.
Did somebody speak to you in advance and say, listen, Alison, are you going to be happy with this? I've got a storyline we're thinking of I think they might have said, this is what's going to happen, are you all right with it? But you know, you just went with it.
OK, now.
Alison.
What would you like to go for? So I'm going to go with .
.
New Zealand.
New Zealand.
No Bs in there.
No.
OK.
New Zealand.
Let's see if it's right.
Well, we know it's right.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said New Zealand.
33 for New Zealand.
Yeah, now the kiwi is famously associated with New Zealand.
And, famously, it's a flightless bird, as well.
But it's actually, it's the emblem of the New Zealand air force.
Oh, no.
Grounded bird.
That's bad, isn't it? Yeah.
What about that? All their planes have no wings.
LAUGHTER Good.
Thank you very much indeed.
We're halfway through the round, let's take a look at our scores.
2.
Erkan, 2.
Very much the best score of that pass.
Very well done indeed.
6 is where we find Stuart and Francesca.
33 is where we find Alison and Todd.
And 100, I'm afraid, Paula and Lee, is where you currently reside.
But that could all change in the next pass.
Whatever happens, we need a low score from you, Lee, so good luck with that.
We're going to come back down the line now.
Can the second players please step up to the podium? So, Todd, welcome back.
Thank you.
Oh! A former jackpot winner.
How did you get the role of Tucker? I remember it was a Friday night and I wanted to get home early.
So I sort of pushed in, which isn't a very good example.
But Colin Cant, the director, told me 20 years later that You know, Tucker pushes in, in episode three.
So he The alarm bells started to ring.
So I was a bit of a naughty boy, but so was Tucker, and It was a perfect match.
He thought, "Oh, that's exactly what Tucker would do.
" So that's how it panned out.
This is the 40th year of Grange Hill.
So, you know, you will be doing a lot of stuff this year on various sofas and things.
How far through the year do you think it will be before somebody comes up with a proposal for a new drama for you all? Well, you never can tell.
I might start writing one tonight.
We'll see.
Yeah.
Watch this space.
But of course, you know, it's 40 years, so there's bound to be quite a lot of interest and stuff like that.
But I think we can all say, hand on heart, it was most probably the best years of our lives.
Yeah.
Well, thank you.
And of ours, too.
Thank you so much.
Now, Todd.
There you are, on 33.
If you can score 66 or less, you are through to the next round.
Mm.
I might play safe, that's if it's country.
Hope it is.
I'm going to go for .
.
Iceland.
Iceland, says Todd.
OK.
Lots of people nodding.
Iceland, they're saying, "No Bs, no Bs.
" There is your red line.
Let's see if we can get below that with Iceland.
There we are.
Perfect.
Exemplary safe shot there.
22, 55 is your total.
Wonderful.
Yeah, well played, Todd.
If it's not a country, I don't know who beat England in the Euros.
It was certainly someone.
I forgot about that.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Michelle.
Welcome back to Pointless.
Hello.
Lovely to have you.
Now, how old were you when you went into Grange Hill? I was 14.
Were you? Mm, I was 14 when I played Fiona.
But I had been an extra in Grange Hill before that for a number of years.
So you'd been an extra in the show.
Yes.
So I know Erkan and Lee and Alison because Because they shunned you onset.
You were the first Yes, I was like blanked.
You were not! Last in the queue.
No, that show The testament to the show, that I was an extra but we were still all best friends, cos they were main parts, they didn't separate themselves, so that's why we're all still close.
Isn't that lovely? And the same person who saw Todd pushing in, thought, "Better give him the part," saw you being brilliant Well, they knew I was into rap music, and Fiona as a character was really into hip-hop.
So it just made sense.
And obviously, I knew the set and knew how everyone worked, so it made sense.
Very good.
Now, Michelle, you, thanks to Erkan's fabulously low score in the first pass, you only have to score 97 to stay in the game.
OK.
I don't want to take a risk, really, now.
Um, so I'm going to say, um, Mali.
Mali.
Mm-hm.
Mali.
HE WHISPERS Erkan's thrilled with that.
Mali.
Here is your red line.
LAUGHTER Get below that with Mali, you are through to the next round.
How many of our 100 people said Mali? It's right, and you're through.
Look at that.
2! Matching Erkan point for point.
There you are, 4 is your total.
Great answer, Michelle, well played.
I'd love to see a director's cut of this round, which is just Lee's body language, as great answer after great answer keeps coming in.
LAUGHTER Thank you very much indeed.
Francesca, welcome back to Pointless.
Hello, thank you.
Lovely to have you with us.
When you started appearing in Grange Hill, you know, attending in character the most famous school on British television, ironically, presumably, you had to leave your actual school in order to do it.
Yeah, and it was amazing, because I hated my actual school.
And suddenly, here I had a legal reason to miss, like, nine months a year of school.
That's fantastic.
It was just brilliant.
What happened, did you have tutors on set, then? We did have tutors.
I was quite good at bunking off my tutoring because there was always so much going on.
They used to film, like, Top Of The Pops there, and lots of the times we would bunk off and try and spot the pop stars.
LAUGHTER Er, Francesca.
Yeah.
You are currently on 6, so 93 or less gets you into the next round.
Yeah, OK.
I am going to go with .
.
Sri Lanka.
Sri Lanka, says Francesca.
Here is your red line, lovely and high.
If you get below that with Sri Lanka, you are through to Round Two.
How many of our 100 people said Sri Lanka? Very well done.
Look at this.
Look at that, down to 1! Only the lowest score of the round, Francesca, taking your score up to 7, very well done indeed.
Great work, Francesca.
Yeah, we've had two 2-point answers now, we've had a 1-point answer, all that remains, surely on the final podium Surely.
The last one is Lee.
Step up, wipe that smile off Erkan's face, smash in a pointless answer, I think that's what going to happen.
I think that is what is going to happen.
I think it is.
Lee welcome back to Pointless.
Hiya.
Lovely to have you with us again.
Now, Zammo, I imagine, he's one of those characters that I think everyone just took Zammo to their heart, didn't they? Yeah, I think it was cos Zammo was the cheeky chappy character, then obviously he got involved with the drugs and the Just Say No campaign, so the audience is quite widespread for that character, and I loved playing it.
Oh, I bet.
The funny thing is, actually, looking at everyone, you can sort of recognise most people.
But you, you are definitely Zammo, you just look exactly like Zammo looked.
Just loads more wrinkles now.
No, not really.
Do you find that people think you are Zammo? They do.
I get people all the time coming to say, "Just say no," or they'll chat about Grange Hill, and probably once every day or every other day, people will talk about Grange Hill.
I bet, I bet.
But do they confuse the character of Zammo with you, Lee? Yeah, definitely.
Do they think you have a sort of shady drug-taking past? Yes, the amount of times people have said, "It was really bad, "are you OK now?" And I'm like, "What?" LAUGHTER Now then, Lee, I'm afraid the writing, as far as this show, is on the wall, I'm afraid.
100 points is your high score there, but you could go out in a blaze of glory here, Lee.
Nothing to lose.
Come on.
OK, I did want to beat Erkan, and that's gone out the window, so I can't play it safe.
I've got one I'm going to try.
And hopefully it's going to work.
Eritrea.
Eritrea, says Lee.
Eritrea.
No red line for you, but we all know what the real target is.
I want to go out in a blaze.
Let's find out how many of our 100 people said Eritrea.
Oooh You have done it, Lee! Perfect drama.
Lee, that's fabulous, a pointless answer.
That adds 250 quid to the jackpot, takes the total up to ã2,750, scores you nothing, leaves your total at 100, and earns you a place in the Pointless annals, the classiest last answer in a Round One ever.
That was beautifully done, Lee.
Very, very well played.
You're so unlucky on that podium one, because Guadeloupe, you know, it's a French territory, Guadeloupe, I'm afraid, so it's not a country, but that's a great ending to a round.
Lots of pointless answers.
Let's take a look at a few of them.
These would all have added money to the jackpot as well.
Cameroon, El Salvador, Guatemala, rather than Guadeloupe.
Madagascar, Malawi, Oman.
You could have had San Marino, Sierra Leone, South Sudan.
You could have had Equatorial Guinea, Federated States of Micronesia, that would have been a risky one - a long old one with no Bs in it.
Grenada, Papua New Guinea, Rwanda, St Kitts and Nevis, Sao Tome and Principe, Suriname, Swaziland and Tanzania, all of those would have been pointless answers.
Let's take a look at the top three scorers, the ones that most of our 100 people said.
69 for Germany.
70 for Spain.
And the home of Guadeloupe, France, would have scored you 86.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
At the end of our first round, we have to say goodbye to one of our pairs.
Oh, Lee and Paula, I can't bear it, far too soon to be saying goodbye to you.
It's been such a treat having you.
BOTH: Thank you.
Thank you so much for playing.
Lee and Paula, brilliant.
Thank you.
But for the remaining three pairs, it's now time for Round Two.
And so just like that, we are cut down to three pairs.
At the end of this round, we'll have to say goodbye to another pair.
Well, Lee actually got the lowest individual score of the round, but our lowest individual scorer of our remaining contestants, Francesca, was yours.
Very well done, Sri Lanka scoring only 1.
Erkan and Michelle, fabulous low combined score of 4 from you.
And Todd and Alison, I like your tactics, holding back from the lead until we're into the home straight, and then We'll see you storming to the front, I have no doubt.
Anyway, best of luck to all three pairs.
Our category for Round Two this evening is Can you all decide in your pairs who's going to go first, who's going to go second? And whoever's going first, please step up to the podium.
And our question concerns Richard.
On each board, we're going to show you six film titles.
They're all missing a word, and that word can also be a GCSE subject, or an A-level subject.
Can you fill in the blanks, please? Thank you very much indeed.
OK, so we're looking for the missing words, which are all school subjects, from these film titles, and our first board of six reads like this.
I'll read those film titles again.
There we are.
Francesca.
Yeah.
What do we think of our missing subjects here? Oh, well I know quite a few of them, but I think they're probably quite commonly known, so it's about trying to pick the least common one, and I think I'm going to go for the oldest that I know, which is The French Connection.
The French Connection, says Francesca.
Let's see how many of our 100 people went for The French Connection.
It's right.
Not bad.
A good start to the round.
Yeah, won five Oscars.
I've got O-level French, have you? That's how old I am.
Yeah.
I got a B.
Got a B.
I got an A.
Did you? Yeah.
Erkan, what would you like to go for? Let's go with The History Boys.
The History Boys.
Erkan is saying History.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said History.
68 is our only score at this point, and you've passed that.
Oh, very well done, 26 for The History Boys.
Erkan means business.
Well played, Erkan.
Yeah, wonderful film adapted from a wonderful Alan Bennett play.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Todd, this board's all yours.
Do you fancy mopping up here? I wish I could, so I'll play safe.
I think it's going to be a high score, but I'll go with the bottom one please, My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
Greek, says Todd.
Let's see how many of our 100 people went with Greek.
It's right.
64, not bad.
64 for Greek.
Well played, Todd, could have been a lot worse there.
So let's fill in the rest of this board.
The biggest scorer on the board is Sound Of Music.
Music.
That would have scored you 93 points, goodness me.
It's the Spanish.
Spanish Main, yeah, named after the sea.
That would have scored 8 points.
And on this next film, Sam Rockwell plays a pharmacist, and it's Better Living Through Home Economics.
Through Chemistry, as you well know, and that would have scored 3 points.
Very well done if you said that at home.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
We're halfway through the round.
Let's look at our scores.
26, Erkan, the best score of the pass, very well done indeed.
64 is where we find Todd and Alison.
68 is where we find Francesca and Stuart.
You're not too far ahead, but you're a little bit ahead.
So, Stuart, a nice low-scoring answer from you on the next pass, please, and that should keep you in the game.
Let's hope.
Best of luck to all three pairs.
We're going to come back down the line now.
Can the second players please step up to the podium? OK, let's put six more film titles up on the board.
Each of them, of course, missing a school subject.
And here is the second six.
I'll read those film titles again.
There we go, Alison, we are looking for the missing school subjects from these film titles.
You're not the highest scorers at the moment, but if you could possibly score 3, that would be amazing.
Um, I'm not sure if this is right, but I'm just going to go with it.
Sounds like it might be.
I'm going to go The Wrong Arm Of The Law.
The Wrong Arm Of The Law, says Alison.
You're getting a nod from Erkan.
Yeah? I think that's a good thing.
Here is your red line, it's way down there, but don't be too alarmed by that.
Let's see how close to that you can get with Law.
133 is your total.
Yeah, a film where the police and criminals join together to capture a group of criminals who are impersonating police officers.
Lionel Jeffries is in it, Bernard Cribbins It's a lovely film.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Now then, Michelle, you're on 26, which means you are through to the head-to-head whatever happens, but I bet you've got a good answer.
It's very tight .
.
but I'm going to go with Weird Science, because I used to love that film.
Weird Science, says Michelle.
No red line for you, you're already through.
How many people said Science? It's right.
67 is your total, very well done.
Yeah, I used to love that film as well, John Hughes film.
It's the sort of film they probably wouldn't be able to make today, I suspect.
Yeah.
I imagine if you pitched it, people would go, "Oh, I don't think so.
" Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Now then, Stuart.
68 is your score, 64 or less is your target.
Do you want to talk us through that board, Stuart? Fill it in.
I'd love to be able to, but I can't, Alexander, unfortunately, but I'm going to have a crack at Johnny English.
Johnny English, says Stuart.
Here's your red line.
You have to get below that red line with English.
Let's see if you can do it.
How many of our 100 people said Johnny English? It's right.
You've done it, just.
63, you needed 64, you've got 63, 131 is your total.
Very well done indeed.
Talk about cutting it fine! Very well played, Stuart.
Yes, stars Rowan Atkinson and his sidekick is played by the brilliant Ben Miller.
Yes.
Who I love.
Yes.
As you know.
He's a great actor, gets lots of film roles.
He does.
Doesn't he? He does, yeah, he does.
Cos he did a sketch show with another guy, S-S-Steve someone, I can't remember the other guy, but anyway since then, the Ben Miller guy is in loads of movies.
Yeah.
I see him a lot.
Yeah.
He'll be in Hollywood next, I suspect.
Yeah, I think he probably will.
Won't he? I think he will.
But Ben Miller - a genius.
If you're watching, sir, I salute you.
Now, shall we go through the rest of this? Shall we? The top one, Confessions Of A Teenage Drama.
Drama Queen.
Would have scored you 25.
Now, this is the best answer there, The Good The Good German.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
We'd have been here a long time guessing that.
4 points for that.
And Richard Gere Shall We Dance? Shall We Dance? Dance.
And that would have scored 58.
Thank you very much indeed.
So at the end of our second round, the pair who are heading home Oh, Todd and Alison, it's always too soon to say goodbye.
Lovely having you.
Thank you so much, please come and play again.
But, Alison, Todd, meanwhile, thank you very much.
BOTH: Thank you.
But for our two remaining pairs, it's now time for the head-to-head.
Congratulations, Michelle and Erkan, Stuart and Francesca.
You are now one step closer to the final and a chance to play for our jackpot, which currently stands at ã2,750.
Very exciting indeed.
Now, we have to decide who's going to go through to the final and play for that jackpot, and we do it by making you go head-to-head.
The difference is you are now allowed to play as a pair, so you can chat before you give your answers.
And the first pair to win two questions in this round will be playing for that jackpot.
Oh, very exciting, Grange Hill head-to-head here.
Very pleased to see Mr Robson is still with us, just to keep order, cos anything could happen in this.
We've had wonderful low scores from both teams.
So I think you should be very, very well matched.
Sparks will fly, I predict.
Best of luck to both pairs, let's play the head-to-head.
Here is your first question, and it concerns What about that? Never heard of it! Richard.
Yeah, we're going to show you some clues now to facts about the It's a television programme, it was about a school called Grange Hill.
Do you remember? Nooo 40 years old this year.
Wow, wow.
Yeah.
You'll remember it cos it starred Lee McDonald, Zammo.
Zammo, yeah, I remember.
His two catchphrases, "Just say no", "Just don't say Guadeloupe.
" LAUGHTER Thank you very much indeed.
Now listen, I could read out these clues, I could do that, which would be fine, in fact I probably will later, but for now, let's get somebody else to do it.
We've got the creator of Grange Hill, Phil Redmond.
Oh, wow.
Hi, I'm sorry I can't be with you in person today, but I'm stuck in Liverpool, which is the creative centre of the universe.
Um, here's one of the five questions tonight.
Who played Suzanne Ross before she went on to play Michelle Fowler in EastEnders? Which was the fictional London borough where Grange Hill was originally set? Which was the food item that appeared on a fork and startled a pupil in the original Grange Hill titles? What was the nickname of the bully Norman Stebson, who was eventually expelled from the school? What was the title of the 1980 Star Wars film in which Michael Sheard, aka Mr Bronson, played Admiral Ozzel? Good luck.
OK, I will read those questions again.
There we go.
Michelle and Erkan, you're our low scorers, so you will go first.
Yes, I think Am I correct? Yeah.
OK, we are going to go with Empire Strikes Back.
The Empire Strikes Back for the bottom one.
Yes.
OK, now then, Stuart and Francesca, do you want to talk us through the rest of the board? It's all yours.
You can do your thinking out loud.
Michelle Fowler actress Yeah.
We think it might be Susan Tully.
Yeah.
The food item, we all know the food item! Yes.
The big old sausage.
I think we're going to go for Susan Tully and hope.
OK, well, we have got, therefore, The Empire Strikes Back and Susan Tully.
Michelle and Erkan have gone for The Empire Strikes Back.
Let's see if that is right for Admiral Ozzel.
Let's see how many people said it, if it is.
It is The Empire Strikes Back.
Oh, very well done indeed, 17, for The Empire Strikes Back.
Now, Stuart and Francesca have gone for Susan Tully for the actress who played Michelle Fowler later in EastEnders.
Let's see if that's right.
Let's see how many of our 100 said Susan Tully.
It is Susan Tully.
Oh, it's going to be close! Oh, it's really close! Look at that, 16 for Susan Tully.
I'm amazed.
Very well done indeed.
Stuart and Francesca, you've done it, after one question, you're up 1-0.
Nicely done.
Let's take a look at the scores for the others.
It is a sausage in the opening titles, the original opening titles.
It would have scored you 21.
The nickname of Norman Stebson was Gripper.
It's so iconic even though it's It puts fear into your heart even today.
Gripper Stebson would have scored you 5.
Now, I was feeling guilty that I didn't know the answer to this last one.
Do any of you know this answer? No idea.
I feel so much better.
It's Northam, and it was a pointless answer.
Very well done if you said that.
And listen, if the headmaster of the school doesn't know where the school is then I don't feel so bad.
True.
I don't feel so bad.
Thanks very much indeed, Richard.
Here comes your second question.
Now then, Michelle and Erkan, you have to win this one to stay in the game, but Stuart and Francesca get to answer it first, so you have to be on your toes.
Good luck.
Our second question is all about Richard.
We'll show you five pairs of pictures now - one is a scientist and one is another famous figure, and they share a surname.
Can you tell us what one of the surnames is, please? Thank you very much indeed.
So let's reveal our five pairs of pictures, and here they are.
We have got There we are, five pairs of people, all sharing a surname.
Now then, Stuart and Francesca will go first.
THEY WHISPER OK, OK, yes.
We're going to go for B, which we think is Newton.
B, Newton.
OK, now, Michelle and Erkan, do you fancy talking us through that board? Something Carson, something Watson, something Boyle.
I don't know who that gentleman is in E.
We'll go with We should go with A, Carson.
Carson.
We'll go with Carson.
A, Carson, say Michelle and Erkan.
So we have Newton versus Carson.
Stuart and Francesca went for Newton, B.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said Newton.
It's right.
Takes you down to 25.
Not bad.
Michelle and Erkan have gone for Carson, for A.
Let's see that's right, let's see how many of our 100 people said Carson.
It's right.
And it wins you the point, very well done indeed.
Down to 5.
Exactly what we needed from you, Michelle and Erkan, you're back in the game.
After two questions, it's 1-1.
Yes, a very nice answer.
Who do you recognise there? Johnny Carson.
Johnny Carson, absolutely.
And it's Rachel Carson, the American biologist, is the scientist.
It's a very, very good answer.
C is James Watson and Emma Watson, Watson, you're quite right, is the answer there.
It would have scored you 51.
D is Boyle, from Boyle's law, and Boyle from Susan Boyle.
Same scarf, look at that.
It would have scored you 66.
They do, yeah.
Oh, yeah! That's brilliant.
How about that? Actually, these last two do look very similar, don't they? They do.
That is Watson's partner Crick and Michael Crick, the political reporter.
Crick would have scored you 2 points.
Very well done if you said that at home.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
So here comes your third question.
This is the decider.
Whoever wins this one goes through to the final and plays for that jackpot.
Best of luck to both pairs.
Our third question this evening is all about Richard.
I'm going to show you five set-ups now to jokes about cats.
We need you to give us the punch line, please.
We've provided alternate letters of the punch lines.
Thank you very much, Richard.
Let's reveal our five cat gags, and here they are.
I'll read that again.
Michelle and Erkan, you will go first there.
Which one do you want to do? Well THEY WHISPER OK.
It's your call.
We're going to go for the second one, "She had mittens.
" She had mittens, say Michelle and Erkan.
Now, Stuart and Francesca, do you want to talk us through all those gags? We think the top one might be alley cats.
The third one, the mewseum.
The fourth one, we're trying to work out currently.
And the fifth one We think is mice cream.
Let's go for I think the mewseum.
Yeah, mewseum.
Mewseum.
So we have she had mittens versus the mewseum.
Michelle and Erkan said she had mittens.
Let's see how many of our 100 people went for that.
It's right.
Down it goes to 50.
Stuart and Francesca, meanwhile, have gone for the mewseum.
Let's see how many of our 100 people said that.
It's right.
Very well done, down it goes to 44.
Brilliant.
That means, Stuart and Francesca, after three questions, you are through to the final 2-1.
Nicely done.
You chose wisely as well cos mice cream would have lost you the point because mice cream would have scored you 73.
Wow.
It's the biggest score on the board is the top one, alley cats, and that would have scored 89.
This is the best answer on the board, it's like solving a cryptic crossword, this one.
It's claw enforcement.
ALL: Oh! You see, that's also the best gag as well.
It would have scored 2 points.
it would have scored 2, so well done if you got that.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
At the end of our head-to-head round, we have to say goodbye to one of our pairs.
Michelle and Erkan, I'm so sorry, it is you.
We have to say goodbye to you.
It's been wonderful having you here.
Thank you for having us.
Please come again.
In the meantime, thanks so much.
Michelle and Erkan.
Thank you.
Good luck.
Thank you.
But for Stuart and Francesca, it's now time for our Pointless final.
Congratulations, Stuart and Francesca.
You've seen off all the competition and you have won our coveted Pointless trophy.
You now have a chance to win our Pointless jackpot.
At the end of today's show, the jackpot is standing at ã2,750.
Well, how fantastic, here we are in the final of our Grange Hill Pointless.
You've done so, so well.
I knew that last head-to-head was going to be hard fought, and sure enough, it was.
What would you like to see come up in this last round? Maybe something to do with theatre or playwrights or something like that might, you know.
OK, well, you know what happens - we'll put four things on the board and you've got to hope there's something that roughly appeals to you.
Sure.
Behind each of those categories, there will be three sub questions which tend to be a little bit more friendly.
But anyway, let's have a look at the headline categories.
Here they are.
Today's selection is How are you on football? Well, not Not brilliant.
How are you? In the '90s I'm pretty good at '90s football, but that's quite specific.
Football or film directors, what do you feel? Director-composer collaborations? Do you feel confident in that? I don't feel confident in any of them, no.
That's what I wanted to hear! Yes, exactly.
OK, erm, goodness me.
Which one shall we go for? Football captains.
Really? I'm not that No, all right, film director-composer collaborations.
I changed my mind.
Let's go for film director.
Let's go for film director- film composer collaborations.
OK, it's been such a lovely show, so very, very best of luck on rounding it off with the jackpot.
We are looking for any of the following, please - any feature film made for cinema release directed by Tim Burton and composed by Danny Elfman, or any directed by Stephen Spielberg with the composer John Williams, or directed by Alfred Hitchcock with the composer Bernard Herrmann.
So according to IMDB, any Tim Burton directed Danny Elfman composed, Stephen Spielberg directed, John Williams composed, Alfred Hitchcock directed and Bernard Herrmann composed films, up to August 2017, please.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Now, as always, you've got up to one minute to come up with three answers, and all you need to win that jackpot is for just one of those answers to be pointless.
Are you ready? Yes.
Thank you.
OK, let's put 60 seconds up on the clock.
There they are, your time starts now.
So, what are you thinking? Tim Burton and Danny Elfman Well, I'm wondering whether Danny Elfman did the music for Sleepy Hollow.
Yeah.
Me too.
I think he Steven Spielberg, Jaws, obviously.
Alfred Hitchcock Well, Psycho, obviously.
But But is that very common? Did he do a less common Alfred Hitchcock? Well, there are bound to be.
There can't just be Psycho.
What would you say? Well, I'm wondering about Rear Window.
Rear Window.
Yeah, but that's Is there any more obscure ones? Obscure, Alfred Hitchcock Is there one called? There's one called Rope.
Rope? Rope.
I don't know whether I think Yes.
Gaslight.
So, shall we go for Sleepy Hollow? Sleepy Hollow.
And Rope, and Do you want to go for a Spielberg? Do you? Ten seconds left.
Which one? Edward Scissorhands? Yes.
Let's go for that.
OK.
Good.
Thank you.
OK, that is your time up.
Sounds like you've landed on your three answers, let's have them.
I think we'll go for Sleepy Hollow Sleepy Hollow.
Edward Scissorhands Edward Scissorhands.
And Rope.
And Rope.
OK.
Now, of those three, which is your shot at a pointless answer? Rope? Rope.
If it's right! Maybe.
If Rope's right, it could be pointless.
Let's put that last.
Least likely to be pointless? Edward Scissorhands, probably.
Edward Scissorhands we put first.
Yeah.
OK, well, let's put those answers up on the board in that order, then.
And here they are.
We have got Edward Scissorhands, Sleepy Hollow and Rope.
Well, very, very best of luck.
Three good answers there.
We will find out in due course if you have won that jackpot.
But if you did, which charities are you playing for? Stuart, you first.
Macmillan Cancer Support.
Wonderful.
And, Francesca, how about you? Help Refugees.
Wonderful.
APPLAUSE Two lovely charities there.
Let's hope one of these answers will be pointless and will win that ã2,750 jackpot for your charities.
Edward Scissorhands was your first answer.
This is the one you thought was probably least likely to be pointless.
Yeah.
Only one of these has to be pointless for you to win, but let's find out how many of our 100 people named Edward Scissorhands as a collaboration between Tim Burton and Danny Elfman? Is it pointless? It's right.
Edward Scissorhands now taking us down through the 50s.
If this goes down to zero, your charities will be ã2,750 richer.
We're now Oh, 13.
13.
Not a bad score at all.
But not a pointless answer.
So let's move on to your next answer, Sleepy Hollow.
Again, we were looking for collaborations between Tim Burton as a director and Danny Elfman as a composer.
We have to find out if Sleepy Hollow is pointless.
If it is, it will win ã2,750 for your charity.
How many people said Sleepy Hollow? It's also right.
Edward Scissorhands was a correct answer.
It took us all the way down to 13.
Sleepy Hollow now takes us down through the teens.
Down we go.
We pass 13.
We're into single figures.
We're still going down.
You have done it! Well done indeed! Well done.
Superb.
Thank you so much.
Brilliant.
Brilliant, brilliant.
Congratulations.
Sleepy Hollow was a pointless answer, which means you go home with that jackpot of ã2,750 for your charities.
Brilliant work! APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH Hasn't it been the loveliest show? Hasn't it? Terrific.
And what an ending as well, that's great work.
Rope was an incorrect answer, so very, very good news that Sleepy Hollow Cos only Bernard Herrmann didn't do the soundtrack to that.
There's lots and lots of well-known pointless answers, certainly for Tim Burton and Steven Spielberg.
Let's take a look, start with Tim Burton and Danny Elfman.
Also Big Eyes and Peewee's Big Adventure, all of those are pointless answers.
Spielberg, there's some very big films here.
Gosh! Wow.
1941, AI, Always, Amistad, Empire of the Sun, Hook, Lincoln, Munich, The Adventures of Tintin, the BFG, Sugarland Express and The Terminal were all pointless answers.
Well done if you got one.
And fewer for Hitchcock.
Hitchcock was the hardest category of all.
They only collaborated on seven films, and there are three that were pointless.
Very well done if you said any of those at home and congratulations in the studio.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
And thanks once again to our brilliant winning contestants, Stuart and Francesca, who go away with today's jackpot of ã2,750 for their charities.
Very well done.
Thank you.
Join us next time when we will be putting more obscure knowledge to the test on Pointless.
Meanwhile, it's goodbye from Richard.
Goodbye.
And it's goodbye from me.
Goodbye.

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