Praise Petey (2023) s01e01 Episode Script

Taxi to the South!

New York City.
Ever heard of it?
Uh-huh, yeah ♪
Yeah ♪
That's me walking.
I'm Petey,
a girl with a boy's name,
so you're allowed to like me.
My days are filled
with typical New York stuff:
getting a coffee
on my way to coffee,
therapy, more therapy,
therapy again,
jaywalking to a museum,
avoiding the train piss bottle,
looking relieved yet somber
as a giant monster
is murdered,
and, of course, Broadway.
I had it all, the perfect job
as a senior assistant
editorial assistant
at the biggest
fashion magazine in Midtown.
Mm, good clothes, bad clothes,
good clothes, bad clothes.
Well, time for lunch.
Sure, I'd been an assistant
for eight years,
but they let me take home
the stale bagels
at the end of the day.
Girl boss!
We need to pick a page.
If only we knew which was
going to be in this month,
shirt or pants.
Any ideas?
- Shirt covers the top!
- Pants cover the bottom!
Jumpsuit covers both.
What, me?
I didn't say anything.
I've spent my whole life
terrified of speaking up
because of a complete lack
of sense of self,
but who knows?
Maybe that's what landed me
the perfect fiancé.
He was the best man New York
had to offer.
God, you make sense on paper.
Oh, my God, Brian, not here.
I guess you could
say I had it all:
a man, a job,
and an apartment.
Wait, that's three things.
I guess you could say
I had three things,
and none of them will ever
completely fall apart.
My whole life was perfect,
but none of it was ever enough
for my socialite mother,
White St. Barts.
She runs a charity
for unwed dogs.
Ms. St. Barts, your daughter
is here to see you.
What on earth is a daughter?
It's like a son but a girl.
This generation
has a word for everything.
I can't keep up.
Hi, Mother.
I brought you an expensive
yet meaningful pastry
from the bakery
we used to go to
when I was little.
How thoughtful.
Now, what is it
you want from me,
money, a lawyer?
If it's an apology
you're after,
I'd prefer
to just write a check.
- You called me, Mother.
- Right, of course.
I called you here
because there's a wedding
I have to go to next month
that I'm absolutely dreading.
- Oh, Mother, that's--
- I know, I know.
Why not just send a cold gift
with my regrets?
The only reason I'm going
is that I'm the mother
of the bride.
Oh, right, that's you.
Um, here.
- What's this?
I wanted to pretend
I had a gift,
but it's actually the VHS tape
I've been hiding from you.
Honestly, it's the worst thing
I could have possibly grabbed.
Well, now
that you're holding it,
it's a message
from your father.
I have a father?
Well, not anymore.
He's dead.
- I have a dead father?
- I'll get my checkbook.
Dearest, sweetest,
loveliest Petra,
It's me, your father!
Yeah, I'm sorry
I wasn't around much
when you were growing up,
you know,
but I was busy working
on something so cool,
and if you're watching this,
that means two things:
I'm dead, and now
that cool thing is all yours.
The community of New Utopia
West Carolina.
Wow, what a nice town I made.
Go get it.
There you go.
Now, I know you're a city girl.
I do.
I was a city boy myself.
We have that in common.
Yeah, there's only one problem,
I'm not a city boy anymore.
I'm a country old man.
Okay, now once you grow up,
I'm sure you'll be
a decisive, opinionated,
brave, confident leader
just like your daddy,
and once I'm gone,
the only person
who can keep this place going
is you
because you're the only me
that's younger.
Does it--does that make sense?
Does it make sense?
We need fresh blood
around here.
We love you, Petey!
Yeah, look at them!
They love you!
Security, there's some
random woman in my office.
Tonight on
"Hot People Over-Sharing
Their Trauma
and Then Kissing"
My mom got really sick.
My dad exploded.
Wow, a whole town
or whatever?
That's a dope inheritance.
Are you gonna take it?
No way.
What about my job,
my apartment?
And what about Brian?
He can't leave now.
He just got a big raise.
Well, what if you went out
for a little bit?
Just to test it out.
You could get to know
about your dad
and touch a cow.
I mean, maybe you'll like
living in the country
and not getting married
to Brian.
Wait a minute.
What's on your lip?
- Oh, my God.
A splinter?
That means
Oh, God.
Brian? With my best friend?
- It's not what it looks like.
- This cannot be happening.
You know there's no good guys
in New York.
I mean, what woman
could say no to him?
I am done with both of you.
My female boss.
We just got the numbers
from the magazine
we published today.
The one on shirt?
They're the worst
we've ever had.
Turns out the answer
was jumpsuit.
Ugh, but I said that.
No, you whispered it
under your breath,
then called yourself dumb,
then you did a little shimmy.
Oof, did I say
the dumb part out loud?
I'm dumb.
I'm sorry, Petey.
We have a zero-tolerance policy
for women
calling themselves dumb.
You're fired.
My apartment!
Sorry, I knocked over
every candle.
Wait, Petey, stop.
Where are you going?
Taxi to the South!
I was feeling really sad
after my whole life
literally burned down.
I just needed to lay low
for a while
and figure out my next move
in my dead dad's weird town.
Ugh, no service.
This is not New York.
Uh, I'm walking here.
Oh, ugh.
No, not my tiny shoe.
Hello, hot redneck.
Hello, hot redneck?
- Name's Bandit.
- Could you help me?
I'm stuck in this--
this brown cement.
I'll save you
from that there mud--
it's called mud--
on one condition.
Uh, okay.
- You turn tail and get.
- I what?
You take that caboose
and vamoose.
A moose and "jaboose."
I'm saying you better go back
where you came from.
You are being so mean
for no reason.
Don't you know who I am?
You are Petey St. Barts,
and I will die on my feet
like a horse
before I let you ruin that town
like your daddy did.
Excuse me, rude hunk,
I can do whatever I want
with that town
because my dad gave it to me
in a video,
and I am not gonna let
some uneducated,
square state, backwoods nobody
push me around.
Wowie, all right then.
Suit yourself.
But you should know,
your town has
a little gator problem.
Oh, God.
Please help me.
- Hey, it's your town.
You figure it out.
Okay, fine,
I'll leave on the next bus.
Just help me.
Shake on it?
- Ugh, fine.
Just make it quick
and not on my hair.
Oh, no,
not what I was going for.
Go get it, Gary!
Thank you, but as I learned
in my many years
as a senior assistant
editorial assistant,
that contract is not binding
because I didn't open it
on my phone,
agree to terms and conditions
I never read,
and then press okay
to a signature that looks
nothing like mine.
But we spit shook.
You snake!
Can you help me
get a ride to my town?
Help you?
I wouldn't help you
with a ten-foot pole.
But I'm a Southern gentleman,
so I can't just leave you
out here all alone.
So what do we do?
Ugh, oh.
Will you at least tell me
why you hate me?
you hear something?
Oh, oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
And honestly, New Yorkers
never talk to our neighbors,
so you won't even know
I'm here.
I'm thinking they already do.
Wow, talk about
Southern hospitality.
Right, Bandit?
Hi, I'm--
The spitting image
of your daddy.
Welcome to the New Utopia Inn.
I've been waiting on you
for so long.
This day--oh, this day.
Um, so who are you?
I'm Mae Mae.
I was your father's right hand
until the day he died.
His right hand, perfect.
So you'll be able to answer
all my questions.
This town has no questions,
only answers.
That was not an answer.
Oh, look at your broken heel.
Let's get that fixed up.
Emmett, will you take good,
long care of this shoe?
I take good, long care
of every shoe.
- Emmett, neutral statement.
- Ugh!
Let's get you
to your father's room
so you can take a shower.
- God, yes.
I would love a shower.
- Ha, da, doo, da ♪
- Oh, ah, that's so nice.
Thank you, thank you.
- Nah, nah, nay ♪
Not the weirdest shower
I've ever had.
It's so fun
having a leader back
'Cause I help the leader.
Anything I can ever do for you,
you just holler.
And I mean anything.
this day has been a lot.
I could use a drink
in a fun way,
not in any other way.
- We have drink!
Welcome to the Filthy Pecker.
Over there is the jukebox,
and back there is where
men punch fight to music.
Up there's Big Judy,
and right there's Eliza,
proprietress of
this fine establishment.
She'll make you
the finest pickleback
this side
of the Chattahoochee.
Thank you.
What was your name again?
- I'm working actor Alan Tudyk.
- Who?
I'm the chicken in "Moana."
What are you doing out here?
I took a workshop
out here once.
Really fell in love
with the place.
All it needs
is some fresh blood.
Young people, alcohol,
a random
slightly famous person.
These are all the signs
of a good party.
Wait, is this place fun?
I thought I told you to get.
So you're mean to me
but nice to old ladies.
Is your body
wearing a necklace?
Oh, it's a belly chain,
a timeless fashion.
That's kinda--
I--I've never seen that.
It looks bail.
What is it about a hot guy
being nice to an old lady
that is so [bleep] hot?
Yeah, good.
Eh, maybe I'm just horny
and upset because my ex-fiancé
cheated on me
with my best friend.
Weird instant overshare.
I like it.
I'm Eliza.
- I'm Petey.
And I am loving your bar.
It's almost good enough
to be in NYC.
Thanks, I poured my heart
and soul into this place
ever since my last relationship
ended a year ago.
Oh, my God, I'm just out
of a relationship too.
We have so much in common.
Let me guess.
Another woman?
- Uh, yeah, you could say that.
It just feels like
my whole life,
every decision was made for me,
either by the culture
or some older person
who's in charge of me.
- Same here.
Ugh, listen to us sharing our
heartbreaks on first meeting.
We sound like an episode
of "Hot People Over-Sharing
"Their Traumas
and Then Kissing"!
- You watch that show?
- Oh, my God.
I never miss it.
- You feel this, right?
- Your ice-cold grip?
- Our friendship spark.
We're gonna be best friends.
I can tell.
I do feel it, but are we
getting too close too fast?
Um, probably not.
Look, my whole thing
with coming out here
is to bring this town into
20-whatever year it is.
Is there anything
I should know?
Listen, a lot of people
around here
will be fake with you
because of who your dad was.
Not me.
If you need someone to talk to
who's normal,
come find me, and if anyone
tells you they're normal,
don't trust them.
What is this?
That there is pool darts.
Simplest game on the books,
unless you're city folk,
of course.
Uh, I was an assistant
at "Money Girl" magazine,
so I'm pretty sure
I could figure it out.
- Want to bet?
- Name your terms.
If I win,
you have to leave town.
And if I win,
you have to kiss me.
What are you
waiting for? ♪
Oh, come on,
what are you waiting for? ♪
Beginner's luck.
Pay up, loser.
What are you
waiting for? ♪
'Cause you got everything
that I've been dreaming of ♪
What are you waiting for? ♪
Oh, come on,
what are you waiting for? ♪
Get it!
- Why are we clapping?
- Because they're kissing.
Come on.
- I can't do this.
- Why not?
Because your dad ran a cult.
No, he didn't.
I grew up with your dad,
and it was hell.
Once he died, I thought it was
safe to come back and rebuild.
You being here ruins all that.
Well, I can make it better.
You being here
means the prophecy
of the great daughter's return
is fulfilled.
That's why
I wanted you to leave.
I thought you were being mean
to me because you liked me.
- Who would do that?
- This is not a cult.
It just needs
a little fresh blood.
Oh, yes!
Oh, here we go.
Thank you.
Ooh, it's cold.
Fresh blood, fresh blood.
Fresh blood
- Ooh, looks sharp.
What the [bleep]?
This is what a feminist
dies like.
Sweetie, what's wrong?
They killed Alan Tudyk.
He's good in everything.
He's like a boy Judy Greer,
and they killed him
for me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I guess I should have
warned you better.
It was your father's teaching
that, on the night of
the great daughter's return,
we kill a character actor.
It's tradition.
You people are [bleep] crazy.
Give me my shoes.
I need to leave.
Sorry, your shoes
aren't ready yet.
Even the shoe guy was fake?
What is wrong with my hand?
Please, Petra,
you can't leave.
We need you here
so the comet will return.
Oh, God, it's a space cult?
Ugh, of course.
Boomers love space.
Emmett, the emergency
combination TV/VCR!
Uh, what is this?
Your father will explain.
If you're watching
this tape,
it means you've gotten
a little spooked
after witnessing
your first human sacrifice.
Hell, I wouldn't blame you
for running for the hills,
but you're still here.
Why is that?
Maybe it's because your shoe
is still in the shop,
or maybe, just maybe,
it's because,
despite the unfamiliar,
bizarre, and occasionally
horrifying sights
you've seen today,
you can't help
but feel connected
to this place.
I'm trusting you with it, Petey.
Whatever you want
to be different,
you can change.
New Utopia needs you,
and deep down,
I think you need
New Utopia too.
who got sacrificed tonight?
Who was it?
I love show business gossip.
Was it Helen Hunt?
Was it?
God, she'd be
such a great get!
Well, Petey, will you accept
your father's gift to you?
But the gift is a cult.
What isn't a cult?
You wear your
LurlyLimon leggings
to yoga class
where you hurt your body
to impress the tiny lady.
You get your hair done
exactly the same
as the most powerful girl
at work.
You do everything your
therapist tells you to do.
Our comet's cult-y?
How about
you won't buy a printer
during mercury in retrograde?
You're right.
My life in New York was
as big a cult as this cult.
You could go home
and keep muttering
your genius ideas
under your breath
for the rest of your life,
or you could stay here
and say them out loud.
I do have good ideas.
I should be the boss.
Oh, my God, I said what I mean,
and I'm not doing
a self-deprecating shimmy
to undercut it.
I'll advise you
just like I did for your daddy,
and I admit,
we do need to modernize
and get a little more
young people around here.
I don't even know
who the "Euphoria" generation's
Alan Tudyk is.
Is it Lukas Gage?
Beanie Feldstein?
It's Evan Peters, isn't it?
Evan Peters is 36.
Wait, really?
Aw, I know today was a lot,
but it's just how we say,
"I love you."
And you're not used
to hearing that,
especially not from your mom.
So will you stay, Petey?
Bring forth
the ceremonial dagger.
Bring forth
the ceremonial boo-boo sticker.
All praise
the great daughter!
Praise Petey!
Sweetest, dearest,
loveliest Petra,
what shall be
your first decree?
No more human sacrifice.
- Anything else?
- Yeah.
We're not wearing
kaftans anymore.
We're wearing jumpsuits.
No human sacrifice?
But that's a pillar
of our faith.
I know, Emmett,
you [bleep] weenie!
Hey, neutral statement!
As long as she's here,
we're fulfilling the prophecy,
but she can never leave.
Well, my dead
ex-husband's daughter
who is now my BFF
just took over the cult
I'm a member of.
This ends well, yeah?
One way or another,
I'm gonna stop her
and at some point,
I'll probably [bleep] her.
Wow, I guess
I'm a cult leader now.
I'm still not sure
how I feel about it.
It's like I got promoted
to she-E-O
of a super toxic corporation,
hey, but I'm in charge now,
so I can make things better.
Also, I could find out more
about my dad
and maybe impress my mom.
Gee, been up here for a while.
Hope they put me down soon.
How big is this cult?
Wow, I've learned a lot today,
like that Evan Peters is 36.
That seems wrong.
I should remember to google
how old Evan Peters is.
Wow, I'm going really far.
I wonder which celebrities
I can get to join the cult.
Oh, I bet I could get
Frankie Jonas,
or Frankie Grande.
Definitely someone
from Freeform.
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