Praise Petey (2023) s01e02 Episode Script

Unemployment Crisis

It's morning again
in New Utopia.
The sun is shining.
The goats are screaming.
Um, and I'm still here
despite the fact
that last night,
I witnessed beloved character
actor Alan Tudyk
get ritualistically murdered
by my dad's cult
that I just inherited.
all: Fresh blood!
Sure, yesterday was a lot.
And yeah,
part of me is terrified
I made a huge mistake in
agreeing to be their leader.
But I can change this place.
I just need to stay positive
and try not to get
too freaked out.
Petey, good morning.
Who the [bleep] are you?
Oh, I'm a human Shih Tzu.
For years,
your father trusted me
to warm his bed
in the early morning hours,
sort of like
a regular Shih Tzu,
only I'm a person.
My dad made you lay
on his feet?
Your dad let me lie
on his feet.
You lay an object.
You lie on a man's feet
to get into heaven.
Oh, boy,
it feels good to be back.
There's your limb stretcher,
your pleasant bird sound maker,
your Metamucil holder,
and your correspondence reader.
Text from ex-fiancé Brian
reads, "Where are you?"
Text from Mom reads,
"What have you done?"
Text from BFF Ella reads,
"Hey, bread factory!
"You forgot
your yeast infection meds
"and prescription underpants.
"Drop a pin, bitch.
"Sorry for stealing
your fiancé
and for the way
I've said all this--"
That's enough, thank you.
Can you please walk me now?
OK, Petey,
see something normal.
Oh, there you are,
Miss Sleepy Buns.
We've been waiting for you.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
You all don't have to do that.
Thank you.
No pageantry?
Oh, I just mean,
I'm new to this whole
"being a leader" thing,
so if it's cool with everybody,
I'd rather skip the hoopla
and get to work.
Right, what does
my job look like?
Yes, what did
my dad do every day?
We love you, Petey!
Whoo, Petey!
- The Great Daughter!
- Oh, my God!
You're fantastic!
He started
every morning like this?
We always had a daily parade
to celebrate the fact
that our leader woke up.
Look how happy everyone is
now that they have someone
to mindlessly follow again.
Oh, there's
my new friend Eliza.
Hey, Petey!
Just throwing out
this old rug!
Eliza, for a second
I thought you
were throwing out a dead bod--
And there it is.
So my goal here is
to work with you guys
to de-weirdify things.
So far everything is weird,
and I'm getting overwhelmed.
So is there anything normal
you can show me?
This is the Speechblasters
Training Center
for Public Speaking.
In your speech,
I counted six "ums."
Good progress.
Great, this looks normal.
But six is more than zero.
You know the rule.
Get out the Punishment Cap!
all: Punished,
punished, punished.
I deserve this.
Thank you.
You made a mistake.
My crush.
OK, say something
hot and smart.
Say something hot and smart.
Hey denim ass,
fancy seeing your ass and butt.
Oh, bad.
Look who brought back
the weird cult parade.
Excuse me, I did not
tell them to do this.
They just did it.
Nice crown.
Oh, ugh.
I'm un-culting the cult
from the inside.
You'll see.
As leader,
I'll make New Utopia normal.
I'm on my way
to my dad's office.
He didn't have an office.
That's right.
He had a Sex Hut.
- What?
Inner strength.
This is where your father
did all his best thinking,
by his favorite things--
big leather couches
with cupholders
and a private bathroom
with a loud fan.
Well, I guess
none of this is as weird
as it could have been.
And of course,
here are his bevy
of gorgeous,
pure-hearted wives.
His what's up?
Greetings, Cosmic Lover.
I'm Wife Beth,
and I bear sausage.
I'm Wife Joslyn, and I
bear applewood smoked bacon.
I'm Wife Wendy, and I bear--
Mae Mae, what's happening?
Hash browns.
Your father liked
to start his workday
with a heavy breakfast
and a light orgy.
- Oh.
- We should clarify.
Your father used the term
orgy very loosely.
We mostly just helped him
with the TV remote
and listened to him describe
movies he'd seen on airplanes.
Well, I don't
want any of that.
You don't want us?
No, it's not you.
I'm just not
a breakfast person,
or an orgy person,
or a parade person, really.
The only thing
I need to start my day
is an oat milk latte
at my desk.
Is that OK?
We can do that.
Petey would like
an oat milk latte.
Yes, right, oat milk.
An oat milk latte with a milk
that is made from oat.
Now all you need is a desk.
Desk, the leader requires you.
Write upon us.
We serve the leader.
OK, stop.
Everybody stop everything.
Let me make something clear.
This is not
my dad's cult anymore.
It's my cult.
And it's not a cult,
and it's not mine,
and it's everybody's.
I hereby declare that all
the weird demeaning jobs
my dad forced you
to do no longer exist.
You're free.
I have a vision for New Utopia,
and it is bright!
What is it?
Oh, that's a great question.
I'll deliver big speech
tonight in the town square,
unveiling my vision.
7:30 p. m. sharp!
Be there or don't.
You can do whatever
you want now.
Oh, wow, I am leading.
I'm a leader.
Did she just fire all of us?
Yes, Desk.
Yes, she did.
The Daily Briefing of the
High Elders will now commence.
First of all,
let us congratulate
Elder Belshazzar
on his new haircut.
Second, this morning,
the Leader laid off
our entire work force.
This is a disaster!
You said, once the girl
assumed leadership,
she would usher in
an era of prosperity!
No one clapped
for me when I got a haircut.
Elders, please.
Do you want to go back
to the way things were
during the Leaderless Times?
No leader to serve.
Maybe I'll visit my kids.
The Great Daughter!
She's arrived!
Never mind.
Now, I have full faith
that Petey's big speech
will provide divine clarity
about our town's future.
Till then,
we all must remain calm.
The Leader has forsaken us!
Our existence is useless!
OK, title of the speech.
"A New New Utopia,"
and underline
the first "new."
Wait, did you think
I was writing that down?
I'm working.
You're so funny, bestie.
in my previous work life,
I self-sabotaged
by getting hyper-focused
on tiny things
to avoid a big thing.
So can you maybe call me out
if I start doing that?
Like, maybe we can have a
code word, like "beep boop"?
Yeah, I'm less
of a "get involved" person
and more of a "go with the flow
and talk shit in the back"
Oh, that's actually perfect.
It'll be like a bestie
brainstorm sesh.
Does bestie mean something
different in New York?
Like, is that a regional thing?
You're literally
the funniest.
So what's the first thing
you'd fix about New Utopia?
Oh, maybe make
our movie theater
un-censor all the films
about gutsy women
challenging the status quo.
Coming this fall,
"Erin Brockovich,"
the story of a secretary
who stayed a secretary.
that's just a small thought,
not like the complex,
big-picture stuff
you'll share with us
in your keynote speech tonight.
What do you think
you'll open with?
Like, economic overhaul
or unpacking
our traditional concepts
of gender roles?
That's good.
- Hmm, I love that question.
Semi-related, want to see
the standing desk I ordered?
Um, "beep boop."
Uh, what?
Oh, no, no, no.
That wasn't a "beep boop."
A desk is where
the work happens.
Standing desk delivery.
Where do you want it?
Wait, so you're also
the package delivery guy here?
Unlike you,
I enjoy serving my community.
Oh, didn't you hear?
I already served
my community today
by freeing everyone
from their horrible jobs.
Speaking of which,
where's my oat milk latte?
Why won't you milk?
You can't just
paint over a cow pie
and say mission accomplished.
first you want me to leave,
then you want me
to fix things around here.
Is negging me your whole deal?
Yes, it is.
And I'm gonna keep negging
you till you leave.
Bandit, chill.
She needs to focus
on her speech,
and your pecs are fully out.
That's right,
so you can take your attitude,
your pecs, and my standing desk
to the new Leadership Center.
- Where?
- Where the Sex Hut used to be.
You kicked out the wives?
No, I liberated them.
Now they're my gal pals.
Hey, girly.
We picked up all the new
office decor you asked for.
Yas, bitch!
Let's go redecorate.
Beep boop,
beep boop, beep boop.
You're silly.
Come on, ladies.
Slay, slay, slay!
Wendy, do less.
I know everyone feels lost,
but Petey will share
her infinite wisdom tonight.
What if her vision
for the future
is that she doesn't need any
of us for anything ever again?
That's impossible.
But she fired everyone,
even you.
The Leader needs me.
She needs all of us.
We just need
to prove it to her.
What can Petey
not live without?
Elders, launch an investigation
into Petey's likes
and dislikes.
OK, speech writing time.
I just need to get my desk
at the right height.
Oh, almost.
This better be important.
Uh, hey, yeah,
how's your speech coming along?
Because I got
a bar full of elders
who have a lot of questions.
Ooh, business is booming.
They're not buying anything.
They're harassing me
for info about what you like,
which they think
I know for some reason.
Oh, probably
'cause I posted a pic
with you with the caption,
"This goddess
is my best friend,
and she knows everything
about me."
- Petey!
- What?
I only 'Gram what I love.
She 'Grams what she loves!
give us your pocket phone.
- Get away from me.
- Gotta go.
- Petey!
You know,
for someone who hates
so-called cult leaders so much,
you sure do pop up a lot.
I was doing my animal
rescue volunteer rounds.
Found this fellow warming
the feet of a trash can.
- It's the only thing I know.
- Oh.
Before you showed up,
he was about to enroll
in culinary school.
Now look what you did to him.
What I did?
I freed him.
I could be more cuddly.
I can be very cuddly,
as cuddly as you like,
I promise.
I see you're very busy
working on a blank Word doc.
Why don't you quit
while you're behind?
I am not just gonna run
away from my problems.
I'm going to do
a shopping montage.
- What?
- Let's go, girls.
Want me to sit on your feet?
Yeah, OK.
One at a time!
We have examined
Petey's socials
and discovered what she enjoys.
All will be repurposed
to suit her likes.
They include nail art,
little gem lettuces,
top 40 hits
from the early 2000s.
Excuse me.
is that a little gem lettuce
restaurant you're opening?
Are you doing this
because of me?
So my decision to free you
allowed you
to pursue your passions?
Oh, good things
are already manifesting.
Now, if only someone's dream
was to open a nail art salon.
Come, please.
Please, please.
We now need
fewer nail art stores
and more purveyors of pants
that don't make
Petey's butt look weird.
I kind of want
a big soft pretzel.
The leader kind
of wants a pretzel.
Big, soft, warm--
Even bigger, softer pretzels,
the softest ever,
according to "Bon Appetit"!
Oats, oats!
Society has fallen apart!
Every person for himself!
And that moves there.
And that's over there.
And then that is over there.
And then--nope, over there.
It's so funny,
I spent all day procrastinating
and doubting myself
over this silly speech,
but after connecting
with the people downtown,
I had an epiphany.
I already did fix New Utopia.
No speech needed.
What was that?
- Help!
- There's no meaning!
Someone tell me what to do!
Beep boop.
Despair is the only way out!
I'm losing my mind!
Remain calm!
Insubordination will be met
with this T-shirt gun!
I can fix this.
I can fix this.
Bring me my standing desk.
Leave me.
Wow, who could
have predicted this?
Oh, wait, I did.
- Petey, go do the speech.
- I don't have a speech.
Why did I believe
I could seamlessly go
from corporate wallflower
to full-on pope in 48 hours?
Maybe I'm just not cut out
to be a leader.
You're not.
You're bad at this.
Come on, let's get you
back to New York.
What other choice do I have?
I don't know--
someone wants to stop me?
Like my bestie?
Petey, you want to abandon us
the minute things get hard,
just like Erin Brockovich
did at the end
of that 20-minute movie
that I saw.
That's right, I checked.
You didn't even get
a full Erin Brockovich.
It was the one thing I asked.
Beep [bleep] boop.
Wow, you're right, Eliza.
That is just
the pep talk I needed.
- What?
- Yeah, not a pep talk.
Please welcome the bringer
of clarity and wisdom,
the Leader.
All right.
I heard New Utopians
like to party,
but I didn't think
you'd would go this hard.
So speech might have
been the wrong word.
I wanted you all
to do what you wanted,
and somehow,
that resulted in a lot
of you losing your minds.
TLDR, I messed up.
It happens.
I don't have all the answers.
But the leader
must be all knowing!
Our ideology is flawed!
Life is a chaotic void!
Or maybe she's
not a leader at all!
Just a self-obsessed city girl
working out her daddy issues!
No, no, no, no, no.
I just--I didn't
know what I was doing
when I became your leader!
I'm on a confidence journey
because I'm insecure.
I'm still learning.
Everyone, stop!
Great leader,
I am a human Shih Tzu.
My father before me
was a human Shih Tzu.
His father before him
was a brain surgeon,
but if he'd known
about human Shih Tzus,
he would have been one.
My service to you
isn't just a job.
No, no, no, no, no,
it's my passion,
the greatest gift I have
to share with the world.
And it earns me a seat
on the rocket
to space paradise.
Ignoring that.
After I'm gone,
people will forget what I said,
they will forget what I did,
but they will never forget
how warm I made their feet.
Wow, that was
so beautifully put.
He's right, Petey.
You don't respect
our line of work either.
We wives took pride
in the skills
we honed for your father.
I got so good
at listening to him describe
the series-long arc of "Monk."
And he never forced me to carry
around shopping bags all day.
I didn't pay for six years
of wife grad school
to suddenly be told
I'm a gal pal.
Wow, OK.
Yet another surprisingly
impactful speech.
I believe it was
the poet Virgil who said,
"Let's wrap this up."
Petey, we understand the weight
that's been placed
on your shoulders
as our leader.
And that's why
the services we provide
are so meaningful to us.
They express our gratitude,
our dedication,
and our love for you.
We only wish you valued us
as much as we value you.
Can't you understand that?
Um, yes.
Yes, I can.
How is everybody here
so good at speeches?
all: Speechblasters!
Oh, right.
Listen, I do want
to change this place.
But in shying away from how
insane things are around here,
I didn't take
into account how much
you guys love worshiping me.
And I see now that I was wrong.
I learned my lesson.
So I guess to fix
the problem I made,
why don't we say temporarily--
OK, everyone can keep
serving me as their job,
and I'll stop trying
to stop you,
effective immediately.
I did it!
I finally did it.
An oat milk latte
for the Great Daughter!
Oh, thanks, Emmett,
but it's 8:00 p. m.
You don't want it?
You know, the Oxford Dictionary
defines "milk"
as a white liquid produced by--
Ugh, jeez!
No more speeches!
crowd: Hooray!
crowd: Petey, Petey, Petey!
I knew I would get it.
Oh, wow.
Back to humiliate me some more?
No, I still think
you're a plague upon this town,
but I respect a gal
who owns her mistakes.
Never seen a cult leader
do that before.
I can do a lot
of things you've never
seen a cult leader do before.
Oh, I bet you can.
But I did count five "ums"
in your speech today.
I really think you could
benefit from Speechblasters.
Human Shih Tzu,
see you in the morning.
I'll see you in the morning.
She'll see me in the morning.
We're closed.
OK, I know
I screwed up today,
not just with the town,
but with you.
I may be in a cult,
but I don't like
following your every whim.
Real besties are equals.
I hear you,
which is why I thought
we could do something
I know you like.
Why don't I tell you
the parts you missed
in "Erin Brockovich."
I'm listening.
So there's something
in the water making kids sick.
And who takes it
upon herself
to strut around town
and make things better
for everyone,
but Erin Brockovich.
Yes, I knew it.
- That's right.
- Oh.
The curly haired babe
with a smart mouth
and a coughing baby.
Are you tired
of not being excellent?
Would you like to unlock the
full power of the human mind?
Have I got a solution for you--
For over 30-something years,
Speechblasters has helped folks
just like you
conquer the art of speeches,
toasts, and general talkery.
Just ask these several people.
Before Speechblasters,
I was anxious, broke
and on the run
from a dangerous relative.
But now,
I don't say "um" anymore.
These days,
when I call my family
to insist they stop looking
for me,
I sound more confident.
Thanks, Speechblasters.
My mom signed us up
for a workshop.
But when we got here,
they took our shoes,
then gave us lentils,
then a guy came out,
and he started talking
about a comet,
and now I'm engaged.
It's been a weird few years.
Previous Episode