Preacher (2016) s03e02 Episode Script

Sonsabitches

1 Previously on AMC's "Preacher" The Messiah is a moron.
My plan is to replace the moron with Jesse Custer.
When you're ready, come back for your soul.
- Wha - [TIRES SQUEAL] JESSE: Gran'ma! She like me so much she shagged me.
- How's that? - Little Jesse? GRAN'MA: Welcome home, Jesse.
You need to help me.
You know what I want.
Just bring her back.
TULIP: God? GOD: I'm counting on you.
[GASPS] Now we have a deal.
Right? [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] HAL: Thanks for meeting me.
What can I do for you? There's this girl.
Not a girl, she's a junior in high school.
She won't leave me alone.
And you know how it is.
You let them give you one hand job, and they think they're in love.
Seriously? I'm on the vice-principal track.
Women are into that kind of power.
And now it's like she's obsessed or something.
Last weekend, she followed me and my wife to the big-box store, ran her cart right into ours.
If this gets out, my vice-principal dreams are done.
So can you make her go away? Not, like, kill her or anything.
Just erase her mind or make her a lesbian or something.
Madame L'Angelle is a world-renowned spiritist, diviner, and mistress of the pyramids.
She's got spells to fix everything.
But she's expensive.
Look, I know the Boyds are cheaper, but everyone says Madame L'Angelle's the best.
I'll pay what it takes.
Okay.
But it'd be real bad if you missed a payment.
What's she gonna do? Pull out my fingernails? I'm guessing it's something worse.
[BIRD SQUAWKS] You know, maybe you're right.
I should just come clean to Jeannie.
What's the worst that could happen, huh? She leaves you, right? Might not be so bad.
Except the girl's still around.
She'll probably want to marry you now that you're single.
But she'd need to ask her parents' permission 'cause she's a minor.
And having sex with a minor's illegal.
That means prison.
That would definitely take you off the vice-principal track.
But, like you said it's the worst-case scenario.
You know what? I'll just make those payments.
- - [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION] Hey, Deanna.
[CONVERSATION CONTINUES] You see that? She barely looked at me.
It's almost like she started seeing me as ugly.
[CHUCKLES] I'm glad it worked out.
You got the money? This looks short.
Just a few bucks.
It's not a big deal.
I'll make it up next week.
It is a big deal.
I told you you can't miss a payment.
Don't worry.
I'll make it up.
I like my fingernails.
[SIGHS] [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] [HORN HONKING] School's out! [LAUGHS] Giddyup! Whoo! HAL: [GRUNTS] I told you not to miss a payment.
I'll make it up.
You got to believe me.
I'll pay extra.
You got Madame L'Angelle's help, and now you gotta pay what you owe.
[GASPING] I'm good for it.
Please.
I'm just a science teacher.
You should have thought of that before you messed around with little girls.
She's not a little girl.
She's a junior and she frickin' begged me.
[GROANING] Shut up.
[GROANS, COUGHS] Is this gonna hurt? You're damn right it's gonna hurt.
T.
C.
: A yak will give up his milk freely, but a cat A cat will fight you right to the end, scratchin', hissin'.
It's something to think about.
I guess she's gonna pull out his fingernails now, huh? Fingernails? You don't pay what you owe, Miss Marie pull out your goddamn soul.
[INHALES RAPIDLY] Girl's gotta eat.
T.
C.
: Time to go.
GRAN'MA: Leave him.
It's about time the boy learned.
How do you think she stays so young? HAL: [GASPING] [SCREAMING] [SCREAMING] [BUZZ] MAN: Hare Krishna.
Hare, Hare.
Yeah.
We have an appointment.
[BUZZ] [DOOR UNLATCHES] Consommé really hits the spot, doesn't it? I've had three bloody bowls of it myself, fat pig.
Come here.
So You don't remember anything? I was with my family.
But then That's all right.
You'll remember it.
It will come back to you, all of a sudden, like, - when you least expect it.
- Mm-hmm.
Do you know, I knew this Scotsman, right? And he told me he'd come back from beyond the grave.
Claims to have seen this city full of, like, bloody trolleys and restaurants, laundrymats, like shite like that, like a teeming metropolis, all ran by talking deer.
Was it anything like that? Still smoking crack.
Pssh! I wish.
I've run out.
So, no, like, bright, white lights, no men playing harps, none of that? There was something else at the end.
[DOOR OPENS] Hey.
Hey.
How you feeling? Better than you look.
What happened to your face? You mighta' missed a coupl'a fights while you were out.
Yeah, you got the worst of every one, didn't you? Seriously, how you feelin'? Nothin' a hot shower won't fix.
What was it like? I've already asked her.
She doesn't remember.
Nothin'? No harps no talkin' deer.
Cass reckons it'll come back eventually.
I'm glad you came back.
Yeah, me too.
Till the end of the world, right? Till the end of the world.
You gonna tell him what happened? It was your friends who killed Tulip.
The lads in the white suits, Jess.
The Grail? - Yeah.
Your be-our-Messiah friends.
- They're not my friends.
Whatever they are, Tulip caught onto them.
That girl, now What's her name? - Jenny.
- That's it.
That mom-haired lyin' bitch.
- Who's Jenny? - Bloody Jenny.
- The neighbor lady.
- It's true, Jesse.
They were screwin' with us this whole time.
Right.
So what are we waitin' for? Let's go and get those dickheads right now.
What? You don't want to get your friends who killed Tulip.
Stop calling them my friends.
I just need a minute to work things out here, all right? Besides, you need to get some rest.
You look all right to me.
I'm ready to go right now.
I said I need a minute.
But I'm not talking to you.
- I'm talking to Tulip.
- Hey! What is up with you guys? - Nothin'.
- Nothin'.
We were just worried about you, that's all.
Yeah, well, thanks, dads.
But I'm okay.
When I smash my fist into that mom-haired bitch's face, I'm gonna be really okay.
But first, Gran'ma.
Me just up and leavin' again? She's gonna need some convincing.
Stop! [HORN BLARES] - [GRUNTS] - [TIRES SCREECH] [CHICKEN CLUCKING] [GROANS] Shit.
[DIALING] I'm calling for Herr Starr.
Yeah, I'll leave a message.
Tell him his Messiah is ready.
And tell him to bring my soul.
MAN: Welcome, brothers and sisters and gender-neutral relatives.
Krishna welcomes all with open arms and warm embraces.
Together, we clap hands for Krishna.
[ALL CHANTING INDISTINCTLY] [ALL GASPS] - It's The Grail! - Protect the Swami! [THE YOUNGBLOOD'S "GET TOGETHER" PLAYS] Come on people now Smile on your brother Everybody get together Try to love one another Right now Come on people now Smile on your brother Everybody get together Try to love one another Right now I said Come on people now Smile on your brother Everybody get together Try to love one another Right now Right now Right now [GUNSHOT] [GUN COCKS] Swami.
Herr Starr.
Right.
Aah! God damn it! Man, that hurt! My nuts! - [CELLPHONE RINGS] - Hold that thought.
[GROANING] This is Starr.
[GROANING CONTINUES] God! Aah! That hurts! Jesse Custer.
That was faster than I anticipated.
I'm on my way.
[GROANING CONTINUES] Last chance, hippie.
Will you take Humperdoo as your one, true leader and join us? [BREATHING SHALLOWLY] Eat shit, you fascist pig.
Profanity? In a house of worship? [GUNSHOT] [SIGHS] No wonder God left.
CASSIDY: Jesus.
JESSE: Where's Tulip? She's upstairs, showering off her bullet wound.
So she's okay.
Yeah, she's all right.
I'm sorry things ended up so Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, thanks for everything.
- Meaning? - Meaning it's time to go.
T.
C.
can give you a ride to the bus stop.
All right.
Here's the thing.
See, I'm not leaving anywhere without Tulip.
Do you understand that? Meaning? Meaning GRAN'MA: Jesse.
[SLURPS] T.
C.
: You're having one of those days, huh? Shut up, will ya? Fair enough.
Hey.
Do you like backgammon? No.
H-how about, uh, gummy bears? No.
I only eat the red ones.
[LAUGHS] I eat the green ones, too.
They're good.
You like drugs? [CLEARS THROAT] How's she feelin'? She's fine.
Thank you.
I told you I don't give a tick's shit about her.
- Though she is pretty.
- Mm.
[SIGHS] And young.
[COUGHS] It's hard to fight the chill these days.
[EXHALES DEEPLY, SNIFFLES] It'd be best if the Boyds don't know you're home yet.
Understand? Yeah.
We got a lot of work to do.
Maybe even, in time, get The Tombs up and running again.
Well, now, why not? Once you start bringing the customers around You've been gone a long time, Jesse, and that's a lot of souls you owe me.
Or you could just say, "It's been great to see you, Jesse.
I'm glad I could help your friend.
Spell broken.
Be on your merry way.
" Why would I ever say that? [CHUCKLES] You never know what a person'll say till you ask 'em right.
[CAN OPENS] [GUNSHOT] I was shootin' at those.
So was I.
You Jesse's dead lady friend? Oh, I'm alive.
And I'm not anybody's lady anything.
My name is Tulip.
I'm Jody.
So what was it like? Why does everyone keep asking me that? You died and then you came back.
What else there to ask about? Yeah, well, I don't remember.
Nothing? No bright lights or angels singing? Guess not.
You like guns, huh? I like guns that take more skill than blowing away other people's beer cans.
Like this one for instance? DDM4ISR.
CQBSS scope, 1,000-yard range.
You got one can left.
[RUSTLING] [CHUCKLES] Screw the can.
I'm going huntin'.
TULIP: [GRUNTING] FEATHERSTONE: Get off me! It's good to be alive.
[SMACK] [BREATHES DEEPLY] Mm.
So, there I am, right? And I'm just naked as the day I was born.
And I'm surrounded by all these little leprechauns.
- But then I wake up - I love dreams.
All right.
I had a dream about Lucy Liu.
Oh, I love her.
Yes.
It was a lazy summer day, and we was at a church social.
And, um, I come across her.
She was sitting by herself.
She she slipped away unnoticed.
And she was worried about her favorite aunt, who had complications with diabetes.
And the doctors really wanted to cut off her feet.
Next thing I know we're splayed over a tree stump.
- My goodness.
- And we're ruttin'.
We're ruttin', ruttin'.
- Right.
- She's screamin', screamin'.
She's screaming? Stop! Like, clawin' at my face.
And I'm screaming, too.
And this whole time, I catch this look on her face.
And it says, "I don't necessarily hate you.
" What? - Jesus.
- [LAUGHS] T.
C.
, please tell me you're the worst person here.
- [LAUGHS] - Huh? Ahh! Definitely not.
Hey.
You seen Tulip? [COUGHS] JESSE: Stop! Tulip, stop! [GRUNTS] This is the bitch that killed me.
The jazz singer.
Did you tell Starr? Does he know Tulip's alive? I answer to no one without my superior's permission.
Aah! [GROANS] Does he know? Shit.
Well, who are these people? They're the ones that shot Tulip.
We're gonna take them out to the swamp, put a bullet in their brains, right? Hell yeah.
Good.
Take Jody with you.
I don't want my mother to find me like this.
Don't worry.
No one gonna find you.
"Put a bullet in his brain.
Then he's dead.
Then we go home, huh?" - [CHUCKLES] - That's the idea.
No, I'm doing "Miller's Crossing" there, with the accent and that.
You know the bit where Gabriel Byrne takes John Turturro through the woods? God, it's a brilliant film.
It's brilliant.
It's hard to believe that the same two geniuses who made the "Miller's Crossing" film are the same two idiots that made "The Big Lebowski" film.
- No! No.
- Tulip.
- Cassidy, no.
I'm not doing it again.
- It's not possible.
It's not possible it was made by the same two people, unless they were struck by lightning between or something like that.
You know, the Coen brothers.
You know I knew the whole time that something wasn't right about you? Right.
That's why you begged me to hang out and play video games.
I never beg.
And you sucked.
I sucked on purpose.
- Yeah, well, knew that, too.
- [SCOFFS] You could fill a book with all the things you don't know, but you'd be too stupid to read it.
How much more in the middle of nowhere we got to get before we put a bullet in their brains? Let's do it here.
We could.
But after everything they did, you want to let them off with just a bullet? What else you got in mind? You still got that organ grinder? [GRINDER WHIRRING] JODY: Most of the time, we use it for making the sausage.
You know, the thing about it is It take on any kind of meat you like.
I had a raccoon jump out half-ground one time.
Angry coon, half-ground legs, his innards all out.
Now, that's a scream you don't forget.
[GRINDER WHIRS] Onward, Christian soldiers Marching as to war With the cross of Jesus - I think I'm gonna puke.
- Going on before Got to be sure to clear the juicer.
What do you do with that? Use it for chum to bring in the gators.
Swamp consommé.
Forward into battle That's the consommé you gave me? Yeah, but I heated it up.
That's sanitizes things, I think.
You're the one who's always saying you like hot dogs.
- JESSE: Hey! Where'd the other one go?! - What? JESSE: Where's the other one gone?! Go find him! Jody, you go that way.
You'll never catch him.
He's an elite operative with evasion training.
You have no idea the skills he's mastered.
Shut up! I untied him and let him go.
[GRUNTS] I need you to give Starr a message.
I don't want him thinking I'm mad at him for trying to kill Tulip.
So you're gonna prove it to him by saving our lives.
I would slit both your throats if I could.
But I need you to tell Starr nothing has changed.
His Messiah still needs him here.
That'll get you into town.
[BREATHES DEEPLY] Jesse Custer.
What the hell did you just do? T.
C.
: Let's check your colostomy bag.
- GRAN'MA: They escaped, both of them.
- [SNIFFS] Serotonin's up.
But you need more protein.
I'll whip up some consommé.
What do you think? I think the kid's up to something.
Mm.
It doesn't matter if he is.
He's mine.
Gran'ma's never gonna let me go, Tulip.
I need Genesis back if I'm gonna beat her, which means I need my soul back.
But Starr is never gonna bring it back unless he thinks I'm still with him.
I was gonna tell y'all this, but everything just happened so so fast.
And Jody was there.
Look, I just need them to trust me.
Once I have my power back Then we go kill them, right? We kill them all Gran'ma, Jody, The Grail.
As soon as I get my soul back from Starr, I will kill him there and then.
But I need your help.
What do you think? I think it sounds like another plan.
But sure.
Let's go and kill some people.
[SIR MIX-A-LOT'S "MY HOOPTY" PLAYS] My hoopty rollin', tailpipe draggin' Heat don't work, an' my girl keeps naggin' '69 Buick, deuce keeps rollin' One hubcap 'cause three got stolen - Bumper shook loose - Get down! - Chrome keeps scrapin' - [ENGINE REVS, TIRES SQUEAL] Mismatched tires and my white walls flakin' Hit mickey-d's, Maharaji starts to bug TULIP: [LAUGHS] Oh, man, I haven't made a toy-car bomb since I was a kid.
[LAUGHS] One of my foster dads He was into explosives and freebasing.
Can't remember which one of them burned his eyebrows off.
You know, we could just keep driving, right? - What? - Yeah.
We're in the middle of a job, Cass.
It's Jesse's job.
It's our job.
- [SIGHS] - We keep T.
C.
and Jody busy.
Jesse meets Starr, does his thing, and then we open up an ass-kicking clinic.
And what happens after Jesse gets his almighty power back? He goes right back to being the bloody Messiah again.
He said he wasn't doing that anymore.
Yeah, well, I wouldn't blame you for questioning it, after everything that's happened, like.
- What's that supposed to mean? - It means I've just I've got a little leery of listening to what Jesse bloody Custer has to say all the time.
You know what I mean? What is up with you guys, huh? [SCOFFS] Nothin'.
You heard him, Cass.
He gave up his soul for us.
He saved us from the Saint, remember? So whatever it is, you get over it, okay? We're doing this together.
[SNIFFLES] I loved your mama.
JESSE: Sure had a funny way of showing it.
No, I loved her.
Family's everything.
You stay here long enough and you're gonna remember that.
I've been here more than long enough.
I remember.
[ENGINES REVVING IN DISTANCE] Sounds like Boyds.
They must have found out you were back.
Bound to find out sooner or later.
Go help Jody and T.
C.
get rid of 'em.
- JESSE: What about you? - GRAN'MA: I'll be fine.
[ENGINES REVVING IN DISTANCE] Ah.
That one there That's cool.
I'll have th All right.
Or you could have it.
You know, I'm easy.
Whatever.
What's with the hat? I got skin cancer.
The worst kind.
Melatonin.
Yeah.
Runs in the family, man.
Go ahead.
I doubt you'll need it.
Boyds are most likely just blowin' off steam.
Well, it's better to have it.
You know what I mean? Just-in-case kind of deal.
BRUNEAU: Testing, testing.
Madame Boyd's got a message for Jesse L'Angelle.
Incoming.
[THUD, GOAT BLEATS] [LAUGHS] CASSIDY: What the hell is that? T.
C.
: That's a goat.
It's a pygmy male, about 6 years of age, nearly deceased.
Why the hell they shooting goats at us? Voodoo telegram.
It's the Boyd way of saying they want Jesse dead.
What did Jesse do to them? - Murder.
- Sex.
Well, which one is it? Why don't you go ask them yourself? [ENGINES REV] Too late.
They're driving away.
[GUNSHOT] - CASSIDY: Whoops.
- God damn it.
- [EXPLOSION] - Turn around.
[GUNS COCK] [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING] I got your message.
[GUNFIRE] Give it to me.
In a moment.
But, first, partnerships require communication.
Would you like to talk about what happened between us, share your feelings? Nope.
Really? Your lady friend shot down by one of my idiotic subordinates.
If you were to be, say, murderously angry towards me, it would be understandable.
She's alive.
That's all that matters.
Besides, there's more important things at stake.
Things you'll need your little piece of soul to accomplish.
That's right.
How do you feel, Messiah? I told you before not to call me that, Klaus.
Whatever you like.
You want to know what I'd like, Klaus? Baited breath, my Lord.
Tell me.
[ECHOING] I'd like you to get on your knees.
Kiss the ring.
Hmm.
Anything else, my liege? Eat your dick.
If only.
Eat your dick.
It was a genetically modified placebo.
It won't work.
Now that you've got that predictable spasm of juvenilia out of your system, let's talk.
[GUNFIRE] [GROANS] Oh, bollocks! Oh, no! Oh, no.
[WHISTLES] Oh oh, you need to just You need to keep breathing and and thinking happy thoughts.
I'm right here.
I'm not goin' anywhere.
- They're on the run.
- CASSIDY: [GRUNTS] - Let's go.
- Well, don't Don't leave me down here in the dirt.
[BULLETS RICOCHETING] Geez, Cass.
You sure you never ate some kind of giant bullet magnet? Oh, I suppose anything's possible, love.
At least they don't kill me, unlike you.
Oh, yeah, funny.
Rub it in, huh? Well, I mean it.
I mean it.
Watching you die like that I mean, the smell alone was just bloody unbearable.
You know what I mean? I did not smell! Like an animal had been laying out there on the road for a couple of days, - except worse.
- [LAUGHS] I swear to God.
[CHUCKLES] I love you, Cass.
[CHUCKLES] You got blood bags in your room? Maybe.
Just have a check and see how Jesse's doing - while you're in there, will you? - Mm-hmm.
I'll just lie down here in searing pain.
[CHUCKLES] All right.
All right.
Now Oh, I think I've wee'd a bit.
I reread your file on the plane from India coming back here to these mud-spectacled troglodytes.
You must be desperate.
[NORMAL VOICE] Well, when you assholes shot my girlfriend, I didn't have much choice.
Let me make it up to you.
I just need you to be the Messiah.
You already said it's what you wanted.
What's changed? God is still missing.
The moron is still scheduled to take over.
So, do you want to kill me or do you want to get your power back and get out of this shithole? And my real soul is? Waiting in the car.
So, what do you say, Messiah? Shall we take a short walk and save the world? [DOOR CREAKS, CLOSES] I'm counting on you to get those sonsabitches! Oh, there you are.
We chased them boys all the way back to that roach motel.
How did Jesse handle himself? Lil' Jesse? I thought he was with you.
HERR STARR: I'm happy we could work things out.
My superior is pushing me to roll out Humperdoo.
I can only keep him in the dark for so long.
- You have a boss? - No.
I have an Allfather.
Did you think I was plotting a top-secret coup against my secretary? Prepare to give the Messiah his soul.
Just a precaution.
You understand.
[GUNSHOT] JESSE: No [GUNSHOTS] Sonsabitches.
JESSE: Stop, Tulip! Not now! Not till I get my soul! HERR STARR: Was that your plan? We really need to work on our trust issues.
Give me that, you son of a Give Give me that! [COUGHS] TULIP: Jesse.
Jesse.
[CHOKING] Jesse, what's happening? [CHOKING] [STRAINING] Gran'ma.
[SIGHS] How'd it go? This is going to make things much more difficult.
What do you intend to do, sir? I intend to give Jesse Custer time to marinate in his own little hell.
So that didn't work out.
I'm sorry.
I thought Why can't I do - one right thing? - One right thing? JESSE: It's okay.
Better get these to the swamp.
At least the gators will be happy.
[SPITS, CLEARS THROAT] How's your throat? I can have T.
C.
boil some tea.
I am gonna get out of here, you know.
[CHUCKLES] I know you're gonna try.
Meantime, come give us a kiss.
Now get to work.
I got to fix this, Cass.
- It's not your fault.
- It is.
I was wrong.
I screwed up.
Look, look you're the one who's always saying that Jesse has a dark side, right? I mean, look at this place, look at these people.
This is This is where he comes from.
- You know what I mean? - No, no.
He's not like that.
[INSECTS CHIRPING] [INSECTS CHIRPING] [DOOR CREAKS] [DOOR CREAKS] [CLANG] [WATER SPLASHING] [MOP SLOSHING ON FLOOR] MAN: [GROANING] [WEAKLY] Help me.
[GROANING] I can't.
I'm sorry.
[MOP SLOSHING ON FLOOR]