Preacher (2016) s03e05 Episode Script
The Coffin
1 [CLOCK TICKING.]
[CLOCK TICKING.]
[DOOR CREAKING.]
[DOOR CREAKING.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[FOOTSTEPS.]
[FOOTSTEPS.]
[CLOCK TICKING.]
[CLOCK TICKING.]
[DOOR CREAKING.]
[DOOR CREAKING.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[MAN.]
Rise and shine, Cassidy! [MAN.]
Rise and shine, Cassidy! It's breakfast time.
It's breakfast time.
- Jody! - [THUDS.]
- Jody! - [THUDS.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
Jesse? Jesse? Hmm.
Hmm.
Babe, I need to ask you somethin'.
Babe, I need to ask you somethin'.
Hmm? Hmm? It's about your Gran'ma.
It's about your Gran'ma.
[T.
C.
.]
That's twice he's gotten outta there.
[T.
C.
.]
That's twice he's gotten outta there.
What do you think? What do you think? [JODY.]
I think someone got an ass-kickin' comin'.
[JODY.]
I think someone got an ass-kickin' comin'.
[TULIP.]
I don't know what all the whats and whys [TULIP.]
I don't know what all the whats and whys or, you know, what the rules are around here.
or, you know, what the rules are around here.
Whats and whys? Whats and whys? I mean, look, she's an old lady.
I mean, look, she's an old lady.
I mean, she's a bitch, but she's an old lady, I mean, she's a bitch, but she's an old lady, and she's family, and she's family, so I get that it wouldn't be, like, easy for you.
so I get that it wouldn't be, like, easy for you.
What wouldn't? What wouldn't? But she's a bad bitch, But she's a bad bitch, and we got stuff to do out there in the world.
and we got stuff to do out there in the world.
Cassidy got out, and now it's our turn.
Cassidy got out, and now it's our turn.
God's not gonna kick his own ass.
God's not gonna kick his own ass.
What exactly is the question? What exactly is the question? My question is My question is if it breaks the spell if it breaks the spell and gets us the hell out of here and gets us the hell out of here why don't we just kill her? why don't we just kill her? [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Tulip, my Gran Tulip, my Gran [DOOR SLAMS, THUDDING.]
[DOOR SLAMS, THUDDING.]
- What is that? - Jody and T.
C.
- What is that? - Jody and T.
C.
Probably found out about Cass.
Probably found out about Cass.
You up for a fist fight? You up for a fist fight? [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
[HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]
[HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]
What're we waitin' for? What're we waitin' for? [WARREN ZEVON'S "WEREWOLVES OF LONDON" PLAYS.]
[WARREN ZEVON'S "WEREWOLVES OF LONDON" PLAYS.]
[ALL GRUNTING.]
[ALL GRUNTING.]
I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand - [GUNSHOT.]
- [GRUNTS.]
- [GUNSHOT.]
- [GRUNTS.]
Walkin' through the streets of Soho in the rain Walkin' through the streets of Soho in the rain [GRUNTING CONTINUES.]
[GRUNTING CONTINUES.]
He was lookin' for the place called Lee Ho Fook's He was lookin' for the place called Lee Ho Fook's Gonna get himself a big dish of beef chow mein Gonna get himself a big dish of beef chow mein [GRUNTING CONTINUES.]
[GRUNTING CONTINUES.]
Ah-ooh Werewolves of London Ah-ooh Werewolves of London - Ah-ooh - [GRUNTING CONTINUES.]
- Ah-ooh - [GRUNTING CONTINUES.]
Ah-ooh Werewolves of London Ah-ooh Werewolves of London Ah-ooh Ah-ooh You hear him howlin' around your kitchen door You hear him howlin' around your kitchen door - [YELLS.]
- [GRUNTS.]
- [YELLS.]
- [GRUNTS.]
You better not let him in You better not let him in [COUGHS.]
[COUGHS.]
Little old lady got mutilated late last night Little old lady got mutilated late last night Werewolves of London again Werewolves of London again Ah-ooh Werewolves of London Ah-ooh Werewolves of London [SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMS.]
Ah-ooh Ah-ooh Hair remover.
Hair remover.
Found-object bathroom weaponry.
Found-object bathroom weaponry.
Ah-ooh Ah-ooh I don't get it.
I don't get it.
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Ah-ooh Werewolves of London Ah-ooh Werewolves of London Ah-ooh Ah-ooh Ah-ooh Werewolves of London Ah-ooh Werewolves of London Ah-ooh Ah-ooh Little girl got a big gun.
Little girl got a big gun.
Let him go, or I'll show you how it works.
Let him go, or I'll show you how it works.
[CHOKING.]
[CHOKING.]
Drop it.
Drop it.
- [GUN COCKS.]
- You first.
- [GUN COCKS.]
- You first.
- [CHOKING CONTINUES.]
- Go on.
- [CHOKING CONTINUES.]
- Go on.
[GAGGING.]
[GAGGING.]
- [SCREAMING.]
- [POUNDING ON COFFIN LID.]
- [SCREAMING.]
- [POUNDING ON COFFIN LID.]
[BELL TOLLS, REGAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
[BELL TOLLS, REGAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
Your Majesty.
Your Majesty.
First, the greeting.
First, the greeting.
Blessings upon you! [CHUCKLES.]
Blessings upon you! [CHUCKLES.]
And you, Messiah.
And you, Messiah.
Very good, my Lord.
Very good, my Lord.
Now the kiss.
Now the kiss.
[BELL TINGS.]
[BELL TINGS.]
[GASPS.]
[GASPS.]
Oh.
Oh.
It's shiny.
It's shiny.
Steady, my Lord.
Steady, my Lord.
Mmm Mmm [MOANING.]
[MOANING.]
[HOOVER.]
Uh, actors hold.
[HOOVER.]
Uh, actors hold.
Starting again from the top.
Starting again from the top.
Sir, call for you from Masada.
Sir, call for you from Masada.
Masada? Masada? It's the Allfather.
It's the Allfather.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
[BEEPS.]
[BEEPS.]
Allfather? Allfather? Blessed.
Blessed.
Blessed.
Blessed.
Thrice blessed are you, O Starr.
Thrice blessed are you, O Starr.
Blessed are we, O Allfather.
Blessed are we, O Allfather.
[STARR.]
You're looking well.
[STARR.]
You're looking well.
Your stomach staples must be holding this time.
Your stomach staples must be holding this time.
They are not.
They are not.
I had my gastroenterologist beheaded yesterday.
I had my gastroenterologist beheaded yesterday.
Of course.
Of course.
Proportionate and wise.
Proportionate and wise.
Tell me, Starr Tell me, Starr what do you know about a man named what do you know about a man named Jesse Custer? Jesse Custer? Custer? Custer? [CHUCKLING.]
Ah, yes.
[CHUCKLING.]
Ah, yes.
The Preacher.
The Preacher.
Uh, Samson Unit did an investigation Uh, Samson Unit did an investigation and ruled him a charlatan.
and ruled him a charlatan.
I see.
I see.
No truth to the rumors he may possess The Word Of God? No truth to the rumors he may possess The Word Of God? [CHUCKLES.]
None at all.
[CHUCKLES.]
None at all.
Custer's a loser.
Custer's a loser.
No threat to our Beloved Messiah.
No threat to our Beloved Messiah.
Good.
Good.
[CLATTERS.]
[CLATTERS.]
I trust you, Starr.
I trust you, Starr.
Speaking of our most Holy Child, Speaking of our most Holy Child, how is the Messiah progressing? how is the Messiah progressing? His training may take longer than we anticipated.
His training may take longer than we anticipated.
How much longer? How much longer? Oh, not much.
Oh, not much.
A year.
A year.
Maybe five.
Maybe five.
We don't have that kind of time.
We don't have that kind of time.
God is gone.
God is gone.
The world is ending.
The world is ending.
The people need their Messiah to show them to Glory.
The people need their Messiah to show them to Glory.
I'm not sure he's quite capable yet I'm not sure he's quite capable yet of showing anyone to Glory, sir.
of showing anyone to Glory, sir.
[SQUISHES.]
[SQUISHES.]
Perhaps we'll have a demonstration.
Perhaps we'll have a demonstration.
A demonstration? A demonstration? Now, Allfather? Now, Allfather? All this time under your care? All this time under your care? He must have mastered at least one skill.
He must have mastered at least one skill.
Well, there is one thing.
Well, there is one thing.
But I don't see how But I don't see how it's relevant.
it's relevant.
[PIANO PLAYING.]
[PIANO PLAYING.]
Give me that old soft shoe I said that old soft shoe Give me that old soft shoe I said that old soft shoe A-one, a-two A-one, a-two A-doodle-dee-doodle-dee-doo A-doodle-dee-doodle-dee-doo Play me that old soft shoe and nothing else will do Play me that old soft shoe and nothing else will do That's the dance my darling used to do That's the dance my darling used to do I like the hat, sir.
I like the hat, sir.
- Very Don Draper.
- Mm.
- Very Don Draper.
- Mm.
What happened to your nose? What happened to your nose? It looks like you went down on a monkey.
It looks like you went down on a monkey.
Tulip O'Hare, sir.
She sucker-punched me.
Tulip O'Hare, sir.
She sucker-punched me.
A woman did that? Dear God.
A woman did that? Dear God.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
But about Jesse Custer.
But about Jesse Custer.
I know we're keen on getting him back into the fold and I know we're keen on getting him back into the fold and I think I might have an interesting idea.
I think I might have an interesting idea.
The time for interesting ideas is over.
The time for interesting ideas is over.
When the Holy Idiot wraps up here, When the Holy Idiot wraps up here, the Allfather is going to have me skinned alive.
the Allfather is going to have me skinned alive.
A-doodle-dee-doodle-dee-doo A-doodle-dee-doodle-dee-doo Play me that old soft shoe and nothing else will do Play me that old soft shoe and nothing else will do That's the dance my darling used to do That's the dance my darling used to do Yay! Yay! [SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
[BREATHING SHAKILY.]
[BREATHING SHAKILY.]
[LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHING.]
Bravo! Bravo! [ALLFATHER.]
Bravo! [ALLFATHER.]
Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! - [APPLAUSE.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- [APPLAUSE.]
- [LAUGHS.]
[CROW CAWING.]
[CROW CAWING.]
[CHAIN RATTLING.]
[CHAIN RATTLING.]
[CLANKS, RATTLING CONTINUES.]
[CLANKS, RATTLING CONTINUES.]
Come on.
Come on.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
[GRUNTING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[DOOR RATTLES, OPENS.]
[DOOR RATTLES, OPENS.]
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Well, if I knew you were comin', I woulda cleaned up a little.
Well, if I knew you were comin', I woulda cleaned up a little.
What'd you do with Jesse? What'd you do with Jesse? He having a time out.
He having a time out.
Where the vampire? Where the vampire? Gone.
Gone.
Way gone.
Way gone.
Miss Tulip, that's not good.
Miss Tulip, that's not good.
Oh, no, it's good for him.
Oh, no, it's good for him.
But I guess if it's bad for you But I guess if it's bad for you and your little hee haw hillbilly Fight Club, and your little hee haw hillbilly Fight Club, then I sorta don't give a shit.
then I sorta don't give a shit.
He meant it's bad for you.
He meant it's bad for you.
Oh, I'll be all right.
Oh, I'll be all right.
I mean, unless I need to go pee, I mean, unless I need to go pee, then, yeah.
That would suck.
then, yeah.
That would suck.
I saved your life.
I saved your life.
I ripped you from death's door I ripped you from death's door and brought you back into the world.
and brought you back into the world.
[GRAN'MA.]
And every moment from that moment [GRAN'MA.]
And every moment from that moment for the rest of your days for the rest of your days is owed to me.
is owed to me.
Every breath, Every breath, every bite of food, every screw, every shit every bite of food, every screw, every shit is because of me.
is because of me.
Okay.
Okay.
Thanks, I guess? Thanks, I guess? But Cassidy's no carny ride for outback assholes.
But Cassidy's no carny ride for outback assholes.
He's my friend.
He's my friend.
He was bait.
He was bait.
A worm on a hook.
A worm on a hook.
He was food.
He was food.
[SCOFFS.]
[SCOFFS.]
Why hasn't Jesse just killed you already? Why hasn't Jesse just killed you already? Jesse's family.
Jesse's family.
I'm not.
I'm not.
Jesse's smart.
Jesse's smart.
Well, maybe when I'm done here, Well, maybe when I'm done here, you'll see just how stupid I can be.
you'll see just how stupid I can be.
[CHUCKLES.]
Such spark.
[CHUCKLES.]
Such spark.
So much life.
So much life.
Oh.
Oh.
But not for long.
But not for long.
Watch her.
Watch her.
[DOOR CREAKS SHUT.]
[DOOR CREAKS SHUT.]
Balls, Tulip.
Balls, Tulip.
[SLAPS.]
[SLAPS.]
Too bad she gonna eat 'em for supper.
Too bad she gonna eat 'em for supper.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
[PEN CLICKING.]
[PEN CLICKING.]
[ALLFATHER.]
The child is brilliant.
[ALLFATHER.]
The child is brilliant.
Yes, Allfather.
We've been, uh, drilling the spank-step Yes, Allfather.
We've been, uh, drilling the spank-step day and night.
day and night.
I say we bring up the timetable and accelerate his Unveiling.
I say we bring up the timetable and accelerate his Unveiling.
Accelerate? [CHUCKLES.]
Accelerate? [CHUCKLES.]
So we we show the world So we we show the world that this feral half-wit is our Messiah, that this feral half-wit is our Messiah, and this rudimentary tap dancing and this rudimentary tap dancing is what He does, is what He does, and the world will take him as their Savior? and the world will take him as their Savior? Or be cast down into hellfire, yes.
Or be cast down into hellfire, yes.
Any other questions, Starr? Any other questions, Starr? No, that, uh, covers it on my end.
No, that, uh, covers it on my end.
[ALLFATHER.]
Prepare the way for the Lord.
[ALLFATHER.]
Prepare the way for the Lord.
Something tells me the second coming Something tells me the second coming will be even better than the first.
will be even better than the first.
[LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHING.]
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ.
I think that went well.
I think that went well.
At least you got to keep your skin, sir.
At least you got to keep your skin, sir.
Idiots.
Idiots.
What good is my skin What good is my skin if that soft-shoeing inbred takes over? if that soft-shoeing inbred takes over? Agreed.
Agreed.
Which is why we need Custer back on board Which is why we need Custer back on board as soon as possible and as soon as possible and I think I may have an interesting idea.
I think I may have an interesting idea.
- Well! - It's about his friend, sir.
- Well! - It's about his friend, sir.
The vampire.
[MAN.]
playing by day, feeding by night.
We are the Children of Blood.
[DOOR SQUEAKS.]
[PHARMACIST.]
Carfentanil.
I'm sure you're familiar.
Yeah, horse tranqs.
Mm.
Elephant.
Yeah, it's all the rage right now.
Half a pill will knock Dumbo straight on his ass.
Yep.
Strong shit.
It's very powerful.
Don't take this the wrong way, man, but you smell like death.
What's the right way to take that? [SIGHS.]
Tell your elephant, uh, don't mix those with alcohol.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[PUMP MOTOR WHIRRING.]
[JESSE.]
Capital of Alaska Juneau.
Capital of Arizona is Capital of Arizona is Phoenix.
Capital of Arkansas Little Rock.
Hmm.
Capital of California is Sacramento.
Capital of Colorado [TAPPING.]
Denver.
Capital of Connecticut Connecticut, Hartford.
I'm gonna see I'd even kiss a Sunset pig California Capital of North Dakota is [POUNDING.]
Bismarck.
[GRUNTING.]
I'd even kiss [GRUNTING.]
Capital of Ohio California Capital of Ohio is Come on.
[POUNDING.]
Cal Tulip.
[WATER DRIPPING.]
[SIGHS.]
Great.
[METALLIC KNOCKING.]
[MAN.]
Back in the coffin again, I see.
Ain't seen you down here for some time.
That's all right, son.
Your old pal's gonna take over for you.
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS.]
You hear that? Uh-huh.
Train is a-comin'.
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS, BELL DINGS.]
[STEAM HISSING.]
- [CROW CAWS.]
- [HORSE NEIGHS.]
How 'bout a patrol, Marshal Custer? Might be just the thing to shake off yer blues.
[HORSE WHINNIES.]
[FOOTSTEPS.]
[SPURS JINGLE.]
Marshal.
Been a long time.
Has been, yeah.
But now yer back.
Mm-hmm.
What's your plan this time? Same as always.
Texas.
Show you boys some justice.
And what if we don't wanna go? - [HORSE WHINNIES.]
- Then we'll show you lead.
[CROW CAWS.]
[GUNFIRE.]
Hey.
[CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHING.]
You know you ain't seen the last of us, Marshal.
[GROANING.]
Yup.
That's why I'm one of the good guys 'cause there's way too many of the bad.
- [TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS.]
- [BRAKES SQUEALING.]
[BELL DINGING.]
Thank God you actually look like your picture.
You know, sometimes you show up, and it's like - Mm! - Yeah, it's bloody terrible, - like, I know.
Yeah.
- [GIGGLES.]
I like your shirt.
Oh, thank you.
I love birds, so Ah.
Uh, do you have any pets? Oh, I had a dog once called Banjo.
- Oh.
- He He ran away, so Oh.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
So, how long have you been a vampire? Oh, um, uh, 89 years.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- How about you? - Gosh, um, almost 200 now.
- Two-hundred? - Mm-hmm.
- Well, you look well.
- Why, thank you.
What do you think? Do you like it? Oh, my God, I love it.
Are you kidding? Don't you? Yeah, parts of it I do, yeah.
I would've died years before Quaaludes were invented.
[CHUCKLES.]
I would've never seen the moon landing or a man with a beard of bees.
You know.
Just as for instances, like - Right.
- [SIGHS.]
But? Ah.
But nothin'.
[CHUCKLES.]
Beats workin' fer a livin', doesn't it? Huh? [SIGHS.]
Hey.
We're outsiders.
And that can be lonely.
I know it is for me sometimes.
But but that's okay.
Because it makes those moments of connection, when they do happen, that much sweeter.
[CHUCKLES.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Wait.
Just Just let me get something, okay? Okay.
[RATTLES.]
Bite me.
Come on, bite me.
Ravish me.
Uh What's wrong? Did you leave yours at home? [HISSING.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Do you want me to rip your goddamn throat out? Is that what you want, yeh bleedin' poser, eh? Eh? I'll take that one and that one, please.
I'm telling you, a Kimber Compact II is what you want.
[TULIP.]
Twenty-two pound recoil.
I mean, only seven in your mag, but then, a double tap still drops three-and-a-half bogeys.
I'm a Smith & Wesson man myself.
Please.
[SCOFFS.]
Smith & Wesson's for cops and pussies.
You say so.
Four-letter word for "perambulate.
" Hmm Nope.
- [SIGHS.]
- "An observant person.
" Seven letters.
"An observant"? [INHALES SLOWLY.]
You know, words really ain't my thing.
You coulda fooled me.
You sure use 'em enough.
[SCOFFS.]
Funny.
Surprised you can even read.
[GRUNTS.]
I'd be worried if I were you.
Worryin's for pussies, too.
[T.
C.
.]
I got a corrosive, a-a solvent that I use on On mower parts and tractor rust.
We could dunk one of her feet in a bucket of that.
That'd teach her.
Or maybe even both feet.
- She stole from me.
- She sure did.
And we're figuring out what to do about it.
[T.
C.
.]
I got pikes, pullers, peelers.
Uh, I got a 22-piece metric master ratcheting wrench set from Home Depot, on sale.
I got a reticulated vest presser.
Oh, man, strap her into that? Screams'll make the dogs run off.
She stole.
And I would have every right.
You do, Miss Marie, but-but-but-but you can't.
Lil' Jesse'd never forgive you.
He loves her.
Uh What do you say we take a little break, huh? A-And And we do something nice for you.
[SCOFFS.]
Like what? Like Like play.
[GUNSHOT.]
[CROW CAWS.]
Another train comin' soon.
Set up and wait here and get the bulge on 'em.
- [HORSE WHINNYING.]
- Ain't that right, partner? Partner? Say, what's the matter? You know what this is? High Noon.
You got that right.
And I passed on that Commie piece of shit.
What's wrong with High Noon? [MAN.]
Well, what's right with it? It's the most un-American plot I ever seen.
Buncha sissies sittin' pretty, waiting for some saddle bums to take their town.
Ah, real heroes don't wait.
You callin' me a sappy? Well, lemme ask ya somethin', son.
Ain't you worried about that sage hen of yours back east? Tulip'll be all right.
She got grit enough for both of us.
Yeah, she's a Sahara's worth of sand, I'll grant ya that, but ya left her in Injun territory with no map.
Who knows what's gonna happen if she gets on the wrong side of them savages? What the hell you want me to do about it? I'm trapped in a coffin at the bottom of a swamp.
Think about it, son.
Ya can sit around here like a ninny, waitin' till these trains stop a-comin', or ya can get off yer backside and blow up the tracks.
[TRAIN HORN BLARING.]
[WOOD CREAKING.]
Tulip.
[PUMP MOTOR WHIRRING.]
- [AIR WHOOSHES.]
- [MUFFLED HISSING.]
[AIR WHOOSHES.]
[AIR WHOOSHES.]
[WATER DRIPPING RAPIDLY.]
[LIGHTER CLICKS.]
[BLOWING.]
Come on, Pilgrim.
[PUMP MOTOR WHIRRING.]
Shit.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS.]
If your father knew you were with a-a mere cavalry officer Oh, Lieutenant Boulanger, there would be such a scandal.
[LAUGHS.]
So, um so, why don't you go and never come back? I said go.
Eugenia.
- Lester, please.
- [KISSING.]
Please, Lester, why won't you leave? Because you're the most beautiful woman I ever seen.
Oh, am I? [MOANING.]
Oh, my love.
You're You're a Like a-a-a paragon.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, my love.
Oh, this is so wrong.
No, it's it's it's, like, not not good.
What? Uh, nothin', nothin', I just I forgot my line.
Take Take it from, uh, "You're so beautiful.
" Go back to that.
Get off! Get away from me! Miss Marie, please.
Shut up! I said shut up! [WHIMPERS.]
Pathetic.
[WHIMPERS.]
[BOTH CRYING.]
Our silly game isn't gonna fix this, is it, T.
C.
? [KISSES.]
Is it? And And And Lil' Jesse? Isn't here.
Go get her.
I'm gonna eat her soul.
Miss Marie, please Go! Get! Her! [PUMP MOTOR WHIRRING, CLUNKING.]
[LIGHTER CLICKS.]
[BLOWING.]
[PUMP MOTOR WHIRRING, CLUNKING.]
[WATER BUBBLING.]
[PUMP MOTOR STRAINING.]
M-Miss Tulip, I'm afraid I got some some bad news for ya.
- Jody? - Look out! [GRUNTS.]
A seven-letter "observant person" is a "witness.
" [PEN CLICKS.]
[CHAIN RATTLING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[JODY.]
Hey! [CROW CAWS DISTANTLY.]
You're making a big mistake.
I ain't big on killin' little old ladies that saved my life, that's for sure.
But you? I'd make an exception.
Now, I'm gonna ask nicely you break the spell on Jesse and let us go.
No one gets hurt.
Or not.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[TULIP.]
Drop it! [GRUNTING.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
Aah! Drop it.
Drop it! [GRUNTING.]
[CHOKING.]
[KNIFE THUDS.]
[JESSE.]
Tulip.
I did it.
It's over.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
[THUDS.]
[BLOWING.]
What the hell? I don't know what happened.
She killed Gran'ma, and then she died, too.
I-It's 'cause of the fingernails.
[GRAN'MA PRAYING IN CREOLE.]
M-M-Miss Marie, she she tied hers and and Miss Tulip's life together so you wouldn't come after her.
Y-Y-You You doing the wrong one.
[GRUNTS.]
Come on.
[BLOWING.]
Your adrenaline, will that work? - It just might.
- [CHAINS CLATTERING.]
Not so hard.
Steady, steady.
Steady [ROCK MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY.]
Dead again, I see? Pass-fail, O'Hare.
And you are failing.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
No, no, no.
Her heart gonna take that? She ain't Uma Thurman.
Give it to me.
[GRUNTS.]
[GASPS.]
[GASPS.]
[PANTING.]
["A WOMAN '73" PLAYS.]
You know the woman I love Lord, I know she don't love me Vlad has been impaled.
You know the woman I love I don't believe she love me Get them out.
I got to have the kind of woman That won't make a fool of me [CAMERA BEEPS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[CASSIDY.]
Wha? Whadda I do with this? [STARR.]
Read it.
Uh Schlampity [LAUGHING, SNORTING.]
It's upside down.
"Messiah, please help me.
I'm in a terrible jeop" Mm.
"Jeopardy.
" Jeopardy? What's a jeopardy? I don't I don't think that's even a word, mate.
Anyway, "The Grail has taken me prisoner.
Please save me or I'll be brutally murdered.
" [BODY THUDS.]
- Should I keep recording? - [SIGHS.]
Jesse Custer.
We have your little friend, and thus the time for negotiation is over.
Come.
I will restore your power, and you will rise as the one true Messiah.
But if you do not the vampire will receive a visit from my most merciless torturer.
- You have one day to - [GLASS SHATTERS.]
What now? [FEATHERSTONE.]
I'll check on that, sir.
[SHOUTING, PUNCHES LANDING.]
[FEATHERSTONE EXCLAIMING.]
[THUD.]
[MONITOR BEEPING.]
All the free will in the world, and I still find a way to screw it up.
[HAMMER TAPPING.]
- Just like God said.
- [HAMMER TAPPING.]
Well, you didn't know.
Yeah, well, I should've.
You told me to stay away from her.
Madame Boyd, right? She's the woman who put it into your head.
Mm-hmm.
She told you to kill Gran'ma? She knew damn well it'd kill you, too.
Well, she just made our shit list, didn't she? She certainly did.
- [HAMMER TAPPING.]
- [GRUNTS.]
She, uh She's not doin' too good.
The adrenaline, it weakened her heart.
Well, I feel fine.
Well, 'course you do.
As long as her heart's still tickin', yours'll tick, too.
U-Until hers stops, and and So what do we do? She needs her medicine.
She needs to eat.
[JODY.]
Well, start with her.
She made this mess.
I dare you to try.
Lil' Jesse we gotta get a soul somewhere.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
[ALL SHOUTING.]
[WOMAN.]
Cassidy.
[THUNDER RUMBLES DISTANTLY.]
Wake up, brother.
[CONCERTINA PLAYING.]
[GROANING.]
Welcome back.
What the Who the bleedin' hell are all you people? [MAN.]
We are Les Enfants du Sang.
[ALL.]
We are the Children of Blood.
- [THUDS.]
- [SIGHS.]
Bollocks.
[CLOCK TICKING.]
[DOOR CREAKING.]
[DOOR CREAKING.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[FOOTSTEPS.]
[FOOTSTEPS.]
[CLOCK TICKING.]
[CLOCK TICKING.]
[DOOR CREAKING.]
[DOOR CREAKING.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[MAN.]
Rise and shine, Cassidy! [MAN.]
Rise and shine, Cassidy! It's breakfast time.
It's breakfast time.
- Jody! - [THUDS.]
- Jody! - [THUDS.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
Jesse? Jesse? Hmm.
Hmm.
Babe, I need to ask you somethin'.
Babe, I need to ask you somethin'.
Hmm? Hmm? It's about your Gran'ma.
It's about your Gran'ma.
[T.
C.
.]
That's twice he's gotten outta there.
[T.
C.
.]
That's twice he's gotten outta there.
What do you think? What do you think? [JODY.]
I think someone got an ass-kickin' comin'.
[JODY.]
I think someone got an ass-kickin' comin'.
[TULIP.]
I don't know what all the whats and whys [TULIP.]
I don't know what all the whats and whys or, you know, what the rules are around here.
or, you know, what the rules are around here.
Whats and whys? Whats and whys? I mean, look, she's an old lady.
I mean, look, she's an old lady.
I mean, she's a bitch, but she's an old lady, I mean, she's a bitch, but she's an old lady, and she's family, and she's family, so I get that it wouldn't be, like, easy for you.
so I get that it wouldn't be, like, easy for you.
What wouldn't? What wouldn't? But she's a bad bitch, But she's a bad bitch, and we got stuff to do out there in the world.
and we got stuff to do out there in the world.
Cassidy got out, and now it's our turn.
Cassidy got out, and now it's our turn.
God's not gonna kick his own ass.
God's not gonna kick his own ass.
What exactly is the question? What exactly is the question? My question is My question is if it breaks the spell if it breaks the spell and gets us the hell out of here and gets us the hell out of here why don't we just kill her? why don't we just kill her? [BREATHES DEEPLY.]
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Tulip, my Gran Tulip, my Gran [DOOR SLAMS, THUDDING.]
[DOOR SLAMS, THUDDING.]
- What is that? - Jody and T.
C.
- What is that? - Jody and T.
C.
Probably found out about Cass.
Probably found out about Cass.
You up for a fist fight? You up for a fist fight? [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
[HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]
[HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]
What're we waitin' for? What're we waitin' for? [WARREN ZEVON'S "WEREWOLVES OF LONDON" PLAYS.]
[WARREN ZEVON'S "WEREWOLVES OF LONDON" PLAYS.]
[ALL GRUNTING.]
[ALL GRUNTING.]
I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand - [GUNSHOT.]
- [GRUNTS.]
- [GUNSHOT.]
- [GRUNTS.]
Walkin' through the streets of Soho in the rain Walkin' through the streets of Soho in the rain [GRUNTING CONTINUES.]
[GRUNTING CONTINUES.]
He was lookin' for the place called Lee Ho Fook's He was lookin' for the place called Lee Ho Fook's Gonna get himself a big dish of beef chow mein Gonna get himself a big dish of beef chow mein [GRUNTING CONTINUES.]
[GRUNTING CONTINUES.]
Ah-ooh Werewolves of London Ah-ooh Werewolves of London - Ah-ooh - [GRUNTING CONTINUES.]
- Ah-ooh - [GRUNTING CONTINUES.]
Ah-ooh Werewolves of London Ah-ooh Werewolves of London Ah-ooh Ah-ooh You hear him howlin' around your kitchen door You hear him howlin' around your kitchen door - [YELLS.]
- [GRUNTS.]
- [YELLS.]
- [GRUNTS.]
You better not let him in You better not let him in [COUGHS.]
[COUGHS.]
Little old lady got mutilated late last night Little old lady got mutilated late last night Werewolves of London again Werewolves of London again Ah-ooh Werewolves of London Ah-ooh Werewolves of London [SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMS.]
Ah-ooh Ah-ooh Hair remover.
Hair remover.
Found-object bathroom weaponry.
Found-object bathroom weaponry.
Ah-ooh Ah-ooh I don't get it.
I don't get it.
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Ah-ooh Werewolves of London Ah-ooh Werewolves of London Ah-ooh Ah-ooh Ah-ooh Werewolves of London Ah-ooh Werewolves of London Ah-ooh Ah-ooh Little girl got a big gun.
Little girl got a big gun.
Let him go, or I'll show you how it works.
Let him go, or I'll show you how it works.
[CHOKING.]
[CHOKING.]
Drop it.
Drop it.
- [GUN COCKS.]
- You first.
- [GUN COCKS.]
- You first.
- [CHOKING CONTINUES.]
- Go on.
- [CHOKING CONTINUES.]
- Go on.
[GAGGING.]
[GAGGING.]
- [SCREAMING.]
- [POUNDING ON COFFIN LID.]
- [SCREAMING.]
- [POUNDING ON COFFIN LID.]
[BELL TOLLS, REGAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
[BELL TOLLS, REGAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
Your Majesty.
Your Majesty.
First, the greeting.
First, the greeting.
Blessings upon you! [CHUCKLES.]
Blessings upon you! [CHUCKLES.]
And you, Messiah.
And you, Messiah.
Very good, my Lord.
Very good, my Lord.
Now the kiss.
Now the kiss.
[BELL TINGS.]
[BELL TINGS.]
[GASPS.]
[GASPS.]
Oh.
Oh.
It's shiny.
It's shiny.
Steady, my Lord.
Steady, my Lord.
Mmm Mmm [MOANING.]
[MOANING.]
[HOOVER.]
Uh, actors hold.
[HOOVER.]
Uh, actors hold.
Starting again from the top.
Starting again from the top.
Sir, call for you from Masada.
Sir, call for you from Masada.
Masada? Masada? It's the Allfather.
It's the Allfather.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
[BEEPS.]
[BEEPS.]
Allfather? Allfather? Blessed.
Blessed.
Blessed.
Blessed.
Thrice blessed are you, O Starr.
Thrice blessed are you, O Starr.
Blessed are we, O Allfather.
Blessed are we, O Allfather.
[STARR.]
You're looking well.
[STARR.]
You're looking well.
Your stomach staples must be holding this time.
Your stomach staples must be holding this time.
They are not.
They are not.
I had my gastroenterologist beheaded yesterday.
I had my gastroenterologist beheaded yesterday.
Of course.
Of course.
Proportionate and wise.
Proportionate and wise.
Tell me, Starr Tell me, Starr what do you know about a man named what do you know about a man named Jesse Custer? Jesse Custer? Custer? Custer? [CHUCKLING.]
Ah, yes.
[CHUCKLING.]
Ah, yes.
The Preacher.
The Preacher.
Uh, Samson Unit did an investigation Uh, Samson Unit did an investigation and ruled him a charlatan.
and ruled him a charlatan.
I see.
I see.
No truth to the rumors he may possess The Word Of God? No truth to the rumors he may possess The Word Of God? [CHUCKLES.]
None at all.
[CHUCKLES.]
None at all.
Custer's a loser.
Custer's a loser.
No threat to our Beloved Messiah.
No threat to our Beloved Messiah.
Good.
Good.
[CLATTERS.]
[CLATTERS.]
I trust you, Starr.
I trust you, Starr.
Speaking of our most Holy Child, Speaking of our most Holy Child, how is the Messiah progressing? how is the Messiah progressing? His training may take longer than we anticipated.
His training may take longer than we anticipated.
How much longer? How much longer? Oh, not much.
Oh, not much.
A year.
A year.
Maybe five.
Maybe five.
We don't have that kind of time.
We don't have that kind of time.
God is gone.
God is gone.
The world is ending.
The world is ending.
The people need their Messiah to show them to Glory.
The people need their Messiah to show them to Glory.
I'm not sure he's quite capable yet I'm not sure he's quite capable yet of showing anyone to Glory, sir.
of showing anyone to Glory, sir.
[SQUISHES.]
[SQUISHES.]
Perhaps we'll have a demonstration.
Perhaps we'll have a demonstration.
A demonstration? A demonstration? Now, Allfather? Now, Allfather? All this time under your care? All this time under your care? He must have mastered at least one skill.
He must have mastered at least one skill.
Well, there is one thing.
Well, there is one thing.
But I don't see how But I don't see how it's relevant.
it's relevant.
[PIANO PLAYING.]
[PIANO PLAYING.]
Give me that old soft shoe I said that old soft shoe Give me that old soft shoe I said that old soft shoe A-one, a-two A-one, a-two A-doodle-dee-doodle-dee-doo A-doodle-dee-doodle-dee-doo Play me that old soft shoe and nothing else will do Play me that old soft shoe and nothing else will do That's the dance my darling used to do That's the dance my darling used to do I like the hat, sir.
I like the hat, sir.
- Very Don Draper.
- Mm.
- Very Don Draper.
- Mm.
What happened to your nose? What happened to your nose? It looks like you went down on a monkey.
It looks like you went down on a monkey.
Tulip O'Hare, sir.
She sucker-punched me.
Tulip O'Hare, sir.
She sucker-punched me.
A woman did that? Dear God.
A woman did that? Dear God.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
But about Jesse Custer.
But about Jesse Custer.
I know we're keen on getting him back into the fold and I know we're keen on getting him back into the fold and I think I might have an interesting idea.
I think I might have an interesting idea.
The time for interesting ideas is over.
The time for interesting ideas is over.
When the Holy Idiot wraps up here, When the Holy Idiot wraps up here, the Allfather is going to have me skinned alive.
the Allfather is going to have me skinned alive.
A-doodle-dee-doodle-dee-doo A-doodle-dee-doodle-dee-doo Play me that old soft shoe and nothing else will do Play me that old soft shoe and nothing else will do That's the dance my darling used to do That's the dance my darling used to do Yay! Yay! [SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
[BREATHING SHAKILY.]
[BREATHING SHAKILY.]
[LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHING.]
Bravo! Bravo! [ALLFATHER.]
Bravo! [ALLFATHER.]
Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! - [APPLAUSE.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- [APPLAUSE.]
- [LAUGHS.]
[CROW CAWING.]
[CROW CAWING.]
[CHAIN RATTLING.]
[CHAIN RATTLING.]
[CLANKS, RATTLING CONTINUES.]
[CLANKS, RATTLING CONTINUES.]
Come on.
Come on.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
[GRUNTING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[DOOR RATTLES, OPENS.]
[DOOR RATTLES, OPENS.]
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Well, if I knew you were comin', I woulda cleaned up a little.
Well, if I knew you were comin', I woulda cleaned up a little.
What'd you do with Jesse? What'd you do with Jesse? He having a time out.
He having a time out.
Where the vampire? Where the vampire? Gone.
Gone.
Way gone.
Way gone.
Miss Tulip, that's not good.
Miss Tulip, that's not good.
Oh, no, it's good for him.
Oh, no, it's good for him.
But I guess if it's bad for you But I guess if it's bad for you and your little hee haw hillbilly Fight Club, and your little hee haw hillbilly Fight Club, then I sorta don't give a shit.
then I sorta don't give a shit.
He meant it's bad for you.
He meant it's bad for you.
Oh, I'll be all right.
Oh, I'll be all right.
I mean, unless I need to go pee, I mean, unless I need to go pee, then, yeah.
That would suck.
then, yeah.
That would suck.
I saved your life.
I saved your life.
I ripped you from death's door I ripped you from death's door and brought you back into the world.
and brought you back into the world.
[GRAN'MA.]
And every moment from that moment [GRAN'MA.]
And every moment from that moment for the rest of your days for the rest of your days is owed to me.
is owed to me.
Every breath, Every breath, every bite of food, every screw, every shit every bite of food, every screw, every shit is because of me.
is because of me.
Okay.
Okay.
Thanks, I guess? Thanks, I guess? But Cassidy's no carny ride for outback assholes.
But Cassidy's no carny ride for outback assholes.
He's my friend.
He's my friend.
He was bait.
He was bait.
A worm on a hook.
A worm on a hook.
He was food.
He was food.
[SCOFFS.]
[SCOFFS.]
Why hasn't Jesse just killed you already? Why hasn't Jesse just killed you already? Jesse's family.
Jesse's family.
I'm not.
I'm not.
Jesse's smart.
Jesse's smart.
Well, maybe when I'm done here, Well, maybe when I'm done here, you'll see just how stupid I can be.
you'll see just how stupid I can be.
[CHUCKLES.]
Such spark.
[CHUCKLES.]
Such spark.
So much life.
So much life.
Oh.
Oh.
But not for long.
But not for long.
Watch her.
Watch her.
[DOOR CREAKS SHUT.]
[DOOR CREAKS SHUT.]
Balls, Tulip.
Balls, Tulip.
[SLAPS.]
[SLAPS.]
Too bad she gonna eat 'em for supper.
Too bad she gonna eat 'em for supper.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
[PEN CLICKING.]
[PEN CLICKING.]
[ALLFATHER.]
The child is brilliant.
[ALLFATHER.]
The child is brilliant.
Yes, Allfather.
We've been, uh, drilling the spank-step Yes, Allfather.
We've been, uh, drilling the spank-step day and night.
day and night.
I say we bring up the timetable and accelerate his Unveiling.
I say we bring up the timetable and accelerate his Unveiling.
Accelerate? [CHUCKLES.]
Accelerate? [CHUCKLES.]
So we we show the world So we we show the world that this feral half-wit is our Messiah, that this feral half-wit is our Messiah, and this rudimentary tap dancing and this rudimentary tap dancing is what He does, is what He does, and the world will take him as their Savior? and the world will take him as their Savior? Or be cast down into hellfire, yes.
Or be cast down into hellfire, yes.
Any other questions, Starr? Any other questions, Starr? No, that, uh, covers it on my end.
No, that, uh, covers it on my end.
[ALLFATHER.]
Prepare the way for the Lord.
[ALLFATHER.]
Prepare the way for the Lord.
Something tells me the second coming Something tells me the second coming will be even better than the first.
will be even better than the first.
[LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHING.]
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ.
I think that went well.
I think that went well.
At least you got to keep your skin, sir.
At least you got to keep your skin, sir.
Idiots.
Idiots.
What good is my skin What good is my skin if that soft-shoeing inbred takes over? if that soft-shoeing inbred takes over? Agreed.
Agreed.
Which is why we need Custer back on board Which is why we need Custer back on board as soon as possible and as soon as possible and I think I may have an interesting idea.
I think I may have an interesting idea.
- Well! - It's about his friend, sir.
- Well! - It's about his friend, sir.
The vampire.
[MAN.]
playing by day, feeding by night.
We are the Children of Blood.
[DOOR SQUEAKS.]
[PHARMACIST.]
Carfentanil.
I'm sure you're familiar.
Yeah, horse tranqs.
Mm.
Elephant.
Yeah, it's all the rage right now.
Half a pill will knock Dumbo straight on his ass.
Yep.
Strong shit.
It's very powerful.
Don't take this the wrong way, man, but you smell like death.
What's the right way to take that? [SIGHS.]
Tell your elephant, uh, don't mix those with alcohol.
[CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[PUMP MOTOR WHIRRING.]
[JESSE.]
Capital of Alaska Juneau.
Capital of Arizona is Capital of Arizona is Phoenix.
Capital of Arkansas Little Rock.
Hmm.
Capital of California is Sacramento.
Capital of Colorado [TAPPING.]
Denver.
Capital of Connecticut Connecticut, Hartford.
I'm gonna see I'd even kiss a Sunset pig California Capital of North Dakota is [POUNDING.]
Bismarck.
[GRUNTING.]
I'd even kiss [GRUNTING.]
Capital of Ohio California Capital of Ohio is Come on.
[POUNDING.]
Cal Tulip.
[WATER DRIPPING.]
[SIGHS.]
Great.
[METALLIC KNOCKING.]
[MAN.]
Back in the coffin again, I see.
Ain't seen you down here for some time.
That's all right, son.
Your old pal's gonna take over for you.
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS.]
You hear that? Uh-huh.
Train is a-comin'.
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS, BELL DINGS.]
[STEAM HISSING.]
- [CROW CAWS.]
- [HORSE NEIGHS.]
How 'bout a patrol, Marshal Custer? Might be just the thing to shake off yer blues.
[HORSE WHINNIES.]
[FOOTSTEPS.]
[SPURS JINGLE.]
Marshal.
Been a long time.
Has been, yeah.
But now yer back.
Mm-hmm.
What's your plan this time? Same as always.
Texas.
Show you boys some justice.
And what if we don't wanna go? - [HORSE WHINNIES.]
- Then we'll show you lead.
[CROW CAWS.]
[GUNFIRE.]
Hey.
[CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHING.]
You know you ain't seen the last of us, Marshal.
[GROANING.]
Yup.
That's why I'm one of the good guys 'cause there's way too many of the bad.
- [TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS.]
- [BRAKES SQUEALING.]
[BELL DINGING.]
Thank God you actually look like your picture.
You know, sometimes you show up, and it's like - Mm! - Yeah, it's bloody terrible, - like, I know.
Yeah.
- [GIGGLES.]
I like your shirt.
Oh, thank you.
I love birds, so Ah.
Uh, do you have any pets? Oh, I had a dog once called Banjo.
- Oh.
- He He ran away, so Oh.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
So, how long have you been a vampire? Oh, um, uh, 89 years.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- How about you? - Gosh, um, almost 200 now.
- Two-hundred? - Mm-hmm.
- Well, you look well.
- Why, thank you.
What do you think? Do you like it? Oh, my God, I love it.
Are you kidding? Don't you? Yeah, parts of it I do, yeah.
I would've died years before Quaaludes were invented.
[CHUCKLES.]
I would've never seen the moon landing or a man with a beard of bees.
You know.
Just as for instances, like - Right.
- [SIGHS.]
But? Ah.
But nothin'.
[CHUCKLES.]
Beats workin' fer a livin', doesn't it? Huh? [SIGHS.]
Hey.
We're outsiders.
And that can be lonely.
I know it is for me sometimes.
But but that's okay.
Because it makes those moments of connection, when they do happen, that much sweeter.
[CHUCKLES.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Wait.
Just Just let me get something, okay? Okay.
[RATTLES.]
Bite me.
Come on, bite me.
Ravish me.
Uh What's wrong? Did you leave yours at home? [HISSING.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Do you want me to rip your goddamn throat out? Is that what you want, yeh bleedin' poser, eh? Eh? I'll take that one and that one, please.
I'm telling you, a Kimber Compact II is what you want.
[TULIP.]
Twenty-two pound recoil.
I mean, only seven in your mag, but then, a double tap still drops three-and-a-half bogeys.
I'm a Smith & Wesson man myself.
Please.
[SCOFFS.]
Smith & Wesson's for cops and pussies.
You say so.
Four-letter word for "perambulate.
" Hmm Nope.
- [SIGHS.]
- "An observant person.
" Seven letters.
"An observant"? [INHALES SLOWLY.]
You know, words really ain't my thing.
You coulda fooled me.
You sure use 'em enough.
[SCOFFS.]
Funny.
Surprised you can even read.
[GRUNTS.]
I'd be worried if I were you.
Worryin's for pussies, too.
[T.
C.
.]
I got a corrosive, a-a solvent that I use on On mower parts and tractor rust.
We could dunk one of her feet in a bucket of that.
That'd teach her.
Or maybe even both feet.
- She stole from me.
- She sure did.
And we're figuring out what to do about it.
[T.
C.
.]
I got pikes, pullers, peelers.
Uh, I got a 22-piece metric master ratcheting wrench set from Home Depot, on sale.
I got a reticulated vest presser.
Oh, man, strap her into that? Screams'll make the dogs run off.
She stole.
And I would have every right.
You do, Miss Marie, but-but-but-but you can't.
Lil' Jesse'd never forgive you.
He loves her.
Uh What do you say we take a little break, huh? A-And And we do something nice for you.
[SCOFFS.]
Like what? Like Like play.
[GUNSHOT.]
[CROW CAWS.]
Another train comin' soon.
Set up and wait here and get the bulge on 'em.
- [HORSE WHINNYING.]
- Ain't that right, partner? Partner? Say, what's the matter? You know what this is? High Noon.
You got that right.
And I passed on that Commie piece of shit.
What's wrong with High Noon? [MAN.]
Well, what's right with it? It's the most un-American plot I ever seen.
Buncha sissies sittin' pretty, waiting for some saddle bums to take their town.
Ah, real heroes don't wait.
You callin' me a sappy? Well, lemme ask ya somethin', son.
Ain't you worried about that sage hen of yours back east? Tulip'll be all right.
She got grit enough for both of us.
Yeah, she's a Sahara's worth of sand, I'll grant ya that, but ya left her in Injun territory with no map.
Who knows what's gonna happen if she gets on the wrong side of them savages? What the hell you want me to do about it? I'm trapped in a coffin at the bottom of a swamp.
Think about it, son.
Ya can sit around here like a ninny, waitin' till these trains stop a-comin', or ya can get off yer backside and blow up the tracks.
[TRAIN HORN BLARING.]
[WOOD CREAKING.]
Tulip.
[PUMP MOTOR WHIRRING.]
- [AIR WHOOSHES.]
- [MUFFLED HISSING.]
[AIR WHOOSHES.]
[AIR WHOOSHES.]
[WATER DRIPPING RAPIDLY.]
[LIGHTER CLICKS.]
[BLOWING.]
Come on, Pilgrim.
[PUMP MOTOR WHIRRING.]
Shit.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS.]
If your father knew you were with a-a mere cavalry officer Oh, Lieutenant Boulanger, there would be such a scandal.
[LAUGHS.]
So, um so, why don't you go and never come back? I said go.
Eugenia.
- Lester, please.
- [KISSING.]
Please, Lester, why won't you leave? Because you're the most beautiful woman I ever seen.
Oh, am I? [MOANING.]
Oh, my love.
You're You're a Like a-a-a paragon.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, my love.
Oh, this is so wrong.
No, it's it's it's, like, not not good.
What? Uh, nothin', nothin', I just I forgot my line.
Take Take it from, uh, "You're so beautiful.
" Go back to that.
Get off! Get away from me! Miss Marie, please.
Shut up! I said shut up! [WHIMPERS.]
Pathetic.
[WHIMPERS.]
[BOTH CRYING.]
Our silly game isn't gonna fix this, is it, T.
C.
? [KISSES.]
Is it? And And And Lil' Jesse? Isn't here.
Go get her.
I'm gonna eat her soul.
Miss Marie, please Go! Get! Her! [PUMP MOTOR WHIRRING, CLUNKING.]
[LIGHTER CLICKS.]
[BLOWING.]
[PUMP MOTOR WHIRRING, CLUNKING.]
[WATER BUBBLING.]
[PUMP MOTOR STRAINING.]
M-Miss Tulip, I'm afraid I got some some bad news for ya.
- Jody? - Look out! [GRUNTS.]
A seven-letter "observant person" is a "witness.
" [PEN CLICKS.]
[CHAIN RATTLING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[JODY.]
Hey! [CROW CAWS DISTANTLY.]
You're making a big mistake.
I ain't big on killin' little old ladies that saved my life, that's for sure.
But you? I'd make an exception.
Now, I'm gonna ask nicely you break the spell on Jesse and let us go.
No one gets hurt.
Or not.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[TULIP.]
Drop it! [GRUNTING.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
Aah! Drop it.
Drop it! [GRUNTING.]
[CHOKING.]
[KNIFE THUDS.]
[JESSE.]
Tulip.
I did it.
It's over.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
[THUDS.]
[BLOWING.]
What the hell? I don't know what happened.
She killed Gran'ma, and then she died, too.
I-It's 'cause of the fingernails.
[GRAN'MA PRAYING IN CREOLE.]
M-M-Miss Marie, she she tied hers and and Miss Tulip's life together so you wouldn't come after her.
Y-Y-You You doing the wrong one.
[GRUNTS.]
Come on.
[BLOWING.]
Your adrenaline, will that work? - It just might.
- [CHAINS CLATTERING.]
Not so hard.
Steady, steady.
Steady [ROCK MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY.]
Dead again, I see? Pass-fail, O'Hare.
And you are failing.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
No, no, no.
Her heart gonna take that? She ain't Uma Thurman.
Give it to me.
[GRUNTS.]
[GASPS.]
[GASPS.]
[PANTING.]
["A WOMAN '73" PLAYS.]
You know the woman I love Lord, I know she don't love me Vlad has been impaled.
You know the woman I love I don't believe she love me Get them out.
I got to have the kind of woman That won't make a fool of me [CAMERA BEEPS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[CASSIDY.]
Wha? Whadda I do with this? [STARR.]
Read it.
Uh Schlampity [LAUGHING, SNORTING.]
It's upside down.
"Messiah, please help me.
I'm in a terrible jeop" Mm.
"Jeopardy.
" Jeopardy? What's a jeopardy? I don't I don't think that's even a word, mate.
Anyway, "The Grail has taken me prisoner.
Please save me or I'll be brutally murdered.
" [BODY THUDS.]
- Should I keep recording? - [SIGHS.]
Jesse Custer.
We have your little friend, and thus the time for negotiation is over.
Come.
I will restore your power, and you will rise as the one true Messiah.
But if you do not the vampire will receive a visit from my most merciless torturer.
- You have one day to - [GLASS SHATTERS.]
What now? [FEATHERSTONE.]
I'll check on that, sir.
[SHOUTING, PUNCHES LANDING.]
[FEATHERSTONE EXCLAIMING.]
[THUD.]
[MONITOR BEEPING.]
All the free will in the world, and I still find a way to screw it up.
[HAMMER TAPPING.]
- Just like God said.
- [HAMMER TAPPING.]
Well, you didn't know.
Yeah, well, I should've.
You told me to stay away from her.
Madame Boyd, right? She's the woman who put it into your head.
Mm-hmm.
She told you to kill Gran'ma? She knew damn well it'd kill you, too.
Well, she just made our shit list, didn't she? She certainly did.
- [HAMMER TAPPING.]
- [GRUNTS.]
She, uh She's not doin' too good.
The adrenaline, it weakened her heart.
Well, I feel fine.
Well, 'course you do.
As long as her heart's still tickin', yours'll tick, too.
U-Until hers stops, and and So what do we do? She needs her medicine.
She needs to eat.
[JODY.]
Well, start with her.
She made this mess.
I dare you to try.
Lil' Jesse we gotta get a soul somewhere.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
[ALL SHOUTING.]
[WOMAN.]
Cassidy.
[THUNDER RUMBLES DISTANTLY.]
Wake up, brother.
[CONCERTINA PLAYING.]
[GROANING.]
Welcome back.
What the Who the bleedin' hell are all you people? [MAN.]
We are Les Enfants du Sang.
[ALL.]
We are the Children of Blood.
- [THUDS.]
- [SIGHS.]
Bollocks.