Preacher (2016) s03e08 Episode Script
The Tom/Brady
1 I need you to go back up, bring someone back Actually two someones.
CASSIDY: They're a worldwide death cult, and they're coming after me.
HOOVER: I lost him, sir.
The vampire.
- I've got a few other idea - [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
LARA: Getting Genesis back, it's too big for someone like you.
What's a Genesis? JESSE: Gran'ma, they must have hundreds of souls.
GRAN'MA: Get me what I want.
STARR: You're going to Osaka.
We are gonna get my soul.
You are going to have to kill him.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
STARR: No matter what happens from here on out, I'm with you, Messiah.
But if you want your soul you are going to have to kill him.
Thrice blessed, O Custer.
[GUNSHOTS.]
[GRUNTING.]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
I-I'll get the next one.
[GUNSHOTS.]
[GRUNTING.]
[GUNSHOTS.]
[GRUNTING CONTINUES.]
[GUNSHOTS.]
[GRUNTING CONTINUES.]
[GUNSHOTS.]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
Who are you? I am Allfather.
And you know where my soul is? I do indeed.
Well, where is it? It's in a safe place.
[GRUNTS.]
Ohhhh.
Where is it? It's up his ass.
That's his "safe place"? Bravo, Mr.
Custer.
Quite the show.
I have him, Allfather.
Don't kill him! Not yet! He has Genesis! They're back From Osaka.
They're back.
So soon? Well, did they get the? More souls than you can count, apparently.
[CHUCKLES.]
We did it.
Security was tougher than expected.
But we did it.
Good boy.
What happened to her? She died.
Got shot.
Security was tougher than expected.
Well, whe Where are my souls? Out front.
- Out.
.
? - Outside.
What are you doing here? Waitin' for you.
You can't put it off forever.
No, no I-I'm I'm not going yet.
Everything has a price, bitch.
No! No! No! No! Not yet! I'm not ready! JESSE: Gran'ma.
Oh, Jesse.
Jesse, thank God.
You came back to save me.
Yeah, I came back.
- Die! - [SCREAMING.]
[GASPING, BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[DEEP VOICE.]
What do you want? ["TROUBLE IN ZION" PLAYS ON RADIO.]
Trouble in Zion Zion Struggle and passion The time of decision MAN: Cassidy, Mon? Yeah, that's us.
Ohh.
[SIGHS.]
- Give by your reason - [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Give, give - You know, it's funny.
- Give by one million - Still no answer.
- Forget your lesson From Lisa.
I've tried her like four times now.
Well, it's still early in Spain.
My heart is so sad Poland, you mean? The world is going mad You sent her to Gdansk.
He just want to stay Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, yeah [CLEARS THROAT.]
still early there, I imagine.
Stand up, my lion Lion - Feel my emotion - You're a bad man, aren't you? You have a mission [CHUCKLES.]
You know, thanks to you and your pernicious influences.
- Yeah, well - Give by your reason both of us are a couple of hard men now.
Hmm.
Not the brightest of the bunch, though, are we, huh? Out on the town, with the Grail after us? I will annihilate them.
Don't you worry.
We'll be ready.
Well, I hope so.
'Cause, these guys.
.
? you never know when they're gonna turn up.
Thank you, driver.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
[SIGHS.]
I believe in you.
As do we all.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
Yeah, we all really believe in you.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[RINGING CONTINUES.]
[RINGING RAPIDLY.]
He's, uh, uh here is here's Johny! [CHUCKLES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, beautiful.
Your hideousness.
We're good, kid.
Go, uh, hump a duck or whatever it is you're into these days.
I was surprised to get your call.
Well, I have a problem and I thought of you.
Love women and their problems.
Hit me.
There's this girl and she tried to kill me.
Oh, that's terrible.
Really? That's Sorry.
No, I mean it.
This girl is a royal bitch, and I want you to take her down.
I want you to feast on her.
Uh-huh.
Sounds like fun.
I could do that.
What about you, Marie? When are you coming down to join us in Hell? From the looks of things pretty soon, huh? Maybe maybe not.
I gave you the power.
You eat souls, you stay young, you stay alive.
But the day you die, you're mine.
That's the deal.
And it has been such a gift [CHUCKLES.]
but we are making a new deal.
Are we now? Have you been havin' bad dreams again? [CHUCKLES.]
Alright, I'm listening.
But in this "new deal"? I get what? You know my grandson? You know I do.
I've always had an eye out for Jesse.
He is a spoiled, selfish, vengeful little boy.
And? He has something I think you might really want.
[SINGING IN JAPANESE.]
I signed us in.
Human Resources representatives.
Let's do it.
Wait a sec.
Seriously? My character chews gum.
Yours has an ugly nose.
So yeah, let's seriously rob this bitch.
Merely a flesh wound.
Yes, I imagine it would be.
I told you he can be churlish.
Understand, Mr.
Custer.
Your fun time is over.
We're taking Genesis.
Well, people have tried before.
Doesn't usually end well.
Those people never had the resources of The Grail at their fingertips [SLURPING.]
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was that supposed to scare me? So bold for a man bound and surrounded by semi-automatic weapons.
Well, I have something greater than weapons or "resources.
" What's that? Faith.
The impossible, impenetrable belief that I have been chosen.
That Genesis belongs to me.
How can you be so sure? I have been tried.
I've lost kin at the hand of kin.
I've been buried alive and left for dead.
And still, it resides in me.
If not for some divine purpose, then tell me why? Jesse Custer.
You are certainly a preacher.
You're also a fool.
[BEEPS.]
Comfortable? I certainly hope not.
[BOWL THUDS.]
[GAGS, VOMITS.]
[WHISPERS.]
Get me out of here.
This time shoot him in the head.
Shoot him with what? I placed a gun in your jacket pocket.
What the hell good's that gonna do? Don't worry, it has a silencer.
Klaus.
I'm chained to a gurney.
A bazooka in my pocket ain't gonna do shit.
I wish I could do more, but But what? Starr? Are we all set? Yes, Allfather.
Good.
For some profane reason, the Word of God has become attached to you.
Not to worry.
We will coax it out.
Don't tell me.
You're gonna sing me a lullaby? Hmm.
Leave that to the angels.
We prefer jolts of high-voltage electricity.
You really want Genesis to come out? Go ahead.
I can't wait to see your insides sprayed against the walls.
Genesis is not for me.
I am certainly more deserving than you.
But there is one that is most deserving of wielding the greatest power of the universe Whoo.
Ooh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Humperdoo? Where did you hear that horrid name?! He is the Christ child.
The Lord's Most Sweet and Holy Lamb.
And the future home of the Word of God.
Let us begin.
You guys are making a big mistake.
You put Genesis inside him, I'm telling you, he's just gonna [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
[GRUNTS.]
Told you.
Bring in the next one.
[SQUEAKING.]
Oh.
Behold, Mr.
Custer.
Religion's secret weapon: science.
- [KEYBOARD KEYS CLACKING.]
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey, Janie.
Hey, Steve.
You here for the inventory report? In a minute.
How was your weekend? Do anything sexy? Not really.
I walked my dog, then I took a shower.
Were you nude? Well, yeah, I didn't want to get my clothes wet.
Want to get them wet right now? FEATHERSTONE: And freeze.
You upper management pervs need to get your stuff together! This entire branch has become a cesspool of unwanted advances.
There have been 29 sexual harassment complaints in the lobby alone.
Which is why Grail H.
Q.
sent us here.
To implement a new zero-tolerance policy.
Let's try this again.
Only now let's have a volunteer.
Director Matsukata.
Great.
Great.
And this time, let's reverse the situation.
Janie will be the assailant and Director Matsukata her hapless victim.
TULIP: Hey.
Sent you nude pics last night.
Why didn't you text me back? Because I am married.
Gimme the inventory report, limp dick.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hm.
Good report.
Really well-typed.
Nice job.
I am this close, Hiroki, this close to making you Vice President I love my wife.
Oh! Ah! Ah! FEATHERSTONE: And freeze.
Of course the true test is when an attractive woman hits on you.
But it's a good start.
Nice job.
Let's take a break.
After lunch, we'll discuss office dating dos and don'ts.
Okay.
Very good.
I'll have pamphlets for you when you get back.
You know there are easier ways to do this, right? I'm sure there are.
I just wanted to make you grab that guy's ass.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
I've got a job for you.
"Tulip O'Hare.
" What's that? Who is that, Sidney.
Who.
"Tulip O'Hare.
" Who is that? It doesn't matter.
Bring her to me.
[CHUCKLES.]
["THE BLUE DANUBE" PLAYS.]
Whoa! [GRUNTS.]
I took science in high school.
I don't remember so many flyin' intestines.
It'll work.
As soon as Slotnick perfects the cocktail.
Who's Spotnick? Your bartender? Doctor Slotnick is creating a genetic cocktail.
Perhaps you'd enjoy a detailed explanation of our theorems and modalities? Not really, no.
Excellent idea, Allfather.
Bring in the doctor.
Genesis.
The offspring of an angel and a demon.
An entity comprised of "good" and "bad" parts in varying degrees.
It follows then that Genesis would require that a successful host Such as you Be composed of the same specific proportions of goodness and badness.
But how does one re-create those proportions? The answer is a DNA cocktail.
This represents a genetic combination of two persons In this case, Serena Williams and Louis XVI.
The idea being that when their DNA are mixed, it will replicate the same formula of good and bad that exists in you.
Now it's trial and error And obviously, this one was a piece of shit and did not work.
[SPLASHES.]
But we are zeroing in.
And soon You're gonna run out of Humperdoos.
Oh, no, I don't think so.
Thank you, Doctor.
Shall we continue? We are well on our way, sir.
My studies have showed some Get the gun out of my pocket and shoot him.
I-I can't.
Why the hell not? I have socio-political qualms, of course.
But also serious objections to violence in the workplace - You're scared of him.
- You don't understand.
He looks like something out of Ripley's Believe It Or Not! But he's head of the most powerful organization in the world.
He is trying to put Genesis inside Humperdoo! You have to do something! I agree.
Something has to be done but what? [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
I-It's the caterers, Allfather, calling about lunch.
Mm.
[SIGHS.]
[KEYBOARD TAPPING.]
[CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
What'd he say? He says "Kill him.
" Must be some sort of autocorrect thingy.
Uh, t-text him again.
[SIGHS.]
It wasn't autocorrect.
Shit.
Alrighty then, so how we gonna do this? We gonna stab him, huh? We could bloody hang the bugger, you know.
Or a blunt instrument.
Just bash his brains in.
- What about bees? - Bees? Did you just say "bees"? Yeah.
Like on "Wicker Man"? Put a cage around his head and release the bees.
- Christ.
- I vote stabbing.
Look, the "Wicker Man" is a brilliant film, but we're talking about killing a man here, Kev.
- I know.
- N-No, you don't.
Look, where are you even gonna get bees from? What, you have ready access to bees all of a sudden? - You a beekeeper now, are you? - Yeah, I am.
- You are? - Yes.
Beekeeper? Alright.
Apologies.
I'm sorry.
It's actually It's a brilliant idea.
We'll go with the bees.
Do you want to do the bees? Let's do the bees.
I'd imagine we need some honey.
Go and have a word with your grandmother Explain, why are we thinking of killing this man? Because everyone I ever liked, he and his bloody Grail people have tried to kill, right? That's just for starters.
These people hate us, alright.
I remember.
I'm merely suggesting that there might be a better way to make use of him.
A better way of feeding our cause.
You can't be serious.
Oh, indeed I am.
He deserves a choice.
The choice that we've all made.
Death? Or everlasting life? [BEEPS.]
Who are you? Human Resources.
Time to check your browser history [SIGHS.]
[CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
We're good.
So simple steel, side grate, heavy duty cylinder.
- [BEEPS.]
- Okay.
Well, shouldn't take much more than I got it.
I think you'll find I got it.
Seriously.
I wouldn't do that.
What? So, I just stand here and watch you "hack into the mainframe"? Unless you also earned a graduate degree in computer science from M.
I.
T.
? But no.
- I read your file.
- Hmm? You got kicked out of 10th grade.
Why don't you chew your gum? - [BEEPING.]
- Shit.
Enough of this bullshit.
I'm telling you, I wouldn't do that You wouldn't 'cause you couldn't.
- [SCOFFS.]
- And by the way? I didn't get kicked out of 10th grade I dropped out.
[GRUNTS.]
There's so many things I could say right now.
But Just about through the firewall.
So many things I could say right now.
But Damn.
CASSIDY: Alright.
Do you trust me? I do.
Do you choose this freely? I do.
Will you forsake the sunlit world and surrender to our dark and scarlet urging? Like no sun at all? No sunset strolls? No beaches? Well.
Umbrellas, but that's all the time, everywhere you go.
I mean, you'll be having bloody dreams about umbrellas.
You can trust me on that.
Or we could just bloody kill you.
I mean, I'm sure there's a lot of people'd probably prefer that.
No.
I don't want to die.
My mom'd be upset.
- You sure? - Yeah.
Let's do it.
[GRUNTING.]
Chill out.
Jesus.
[HISSES.]
[ALL CHEERING.]
WOMAN: Way to go.
It was awesome.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Aah! [BODY THUDS, GLASS SHATTERS.]
[GRUNTING.]
[GRUNTS.]
Bullocks! Ah! Were you, um, trying to fly? I'd settle for some bloody floatin' at this point.
Yes, well, so would Mrs.
Rosen.
That was her lamp.
No, listen, that's two people I've turned now And that's three including Denis And I still can't do what you can do.
You've turned three, I've turned hundreds.
And you flew a bit the other night.
Oh, come on.
You were helping me out.
Well, I might have guided you a little bit, but you were flying.
No.
I wasn't.
And you know it.
Eccarius, come on.
What are you not teaching me? Well, um Patience, clearly.
[CHUCKLES.]
What's happening over here? Mr.
Hoover! - It's FJ, isn't it? - Yeah.
Do you mind if I call you FJ? - No.
- Didn't FJ do well? - Yeah! - Hardly a tear.
Hip, hip ALL: Hooray! MAN: Whoo! All right.
Well, that was easy.
Uh-huh.
You haven't screwed anything up yet.
Okay, that's it.
What is your prob?! Eh-eh-eh.
None of that.
Be professional.
Let's go.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
[CELLPHONE RINGS, BEEPS.]
Miss Marie yeah, we got 'em, no sweat uh-huh, yeah, I'm listenin' Wow.
Excuse me, miss? I never do this but your booty meat is off the charts! I want to squeeze FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to New Orleans.
Please be aware, as some of your bags may have shifted in the overhead compartments.
Gettin' the truck.
Meet you out front.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Look, I know we get on each other's nerves sometimes but.
Nice job.
Seriously.
I'm a fan.
Thanks.
Appreciate that.
I was joking.
[CHUCKLES.]
So was I.
Tulip O'Hare.
No.
Sorry.
Brown hair.
Dressed as a Grail Officer.
Back from Osaka.
You're Tulip O'Hare.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, ma'am.
My name is Hiroki Matsukata.
See? - My mistake.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, but, um, if you're looking for a brown haired Grail Officer just back from Osaka? I know where you can find her.
Let's go.
Where She didn't make it.
What? Some cop lady took her.
Oh well.
At least we got the Shit.
O'Hare, you stupid! Okay, okay.
Just shut up and think.
No big deal.
We just track the cop lady down to the station and get my briefcase back.
- That wasn't a cop.
- What? And she wasn't taking Featherstone to no goddamn "station.
" - Where's she taking her? - [SIGHS.]
Where is she taking her?! [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
What, are you sending him off already? There's no rest for the weary or the wicked, and Mr.
Hoover is ready.
Alright, you lot.
He's off! ALL: Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly! Alright.
Now we're giving you a second chance here.
Don't be a dick.
Here.
First of many.
You're a good guy.
Mm.
Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly! Once did a Grail job in Kuala Lumpur.
Humidity's worse than New Orleans if you can believe that, but The Batu Caves were lovely.
[RADIO CLICKS ON.]
[OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
"Don Giovanni.
" Tell me, Mister Hoover.
Why would I send another vampire out into the world? Filthy piece of vermin? Spoiling, stinking, and falling into despair? For charity? Is what I was told.
[HISSING.]
What're you doing? [GROWLING.]
[TAPS ON GLASS.]
[RADIO CLICKS OFF.]
Cassidy? [CHUCKLES.]
What's the matter? Everything alright? Is that where you get your secret powers, is it, huh? Listen, um, you and I can talk about this afterwards.
For the time being, I'm going to take Mr.
Hoover here to the airport.
You're not taking him anywhere, you murderin' piece a shit.
Cassidy? [DOOR OPENS.]
[SNIFFLES.]
This is it.
Founding Father Thomas Jefferson, combined with television icon Wayne Brady.
I call it "The Tom/Brady"! Have you instructed the clone on the proper command.
.
? - Yes, sir.
- I can't believe it.
Allfather's about to weaponize idiocy.
What did you expect was gonna happen? A woman scientist? I didn't believe it was possible.
Well, she is about to make the impossible, possible.
What are you gonna do about it? Yes.
I'm going to reach into your pocket ALLFATHER: Herr Starr! You are one of my most loyal and trusted servants.
Are you not? I am, Allfather.
Do something for me, Herr Starr? Anything, Allfather.
Beignets.
Cafe Du Monde.
Fetch me a few dozen.
Now.
[GRUNTS.]
Genesis chose me, Allfather.
It was meant for me.
A drunk? A thief? A blasphemer? You are a mistake, Mr.
Custer.
That's right you sack of shit.
I'm the mistake that's gonna find God and hold Him to account.
We are ready to begin.
But now you won't have to, Preacher, because this is all the God we shall ever need.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
Say the command.
[ECHOING.]
Bow before me.
[GUNSHOT.]
- [GRUNTS.]
- [GASPS.]
ALLFATHER: Good.
Now bring in the Messiah.
Hello.
Do you, by any chance, have a phone? I need to text a friend of mine.
MAN ON RADIO: This once great nation has had to endure disrespect for our flag, - disrespect for authority - [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
and even disrespect for our President's name - is dishonored on a daily basis.
- Aw, shit It's in the news.
It's in the media They got Hilter.
CASSIDY: They're a worldwide death cult, and they're coming after me.
HOOVER: I lost him, sir.
The vampire.
- I've got a few other idea - [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
LARA: Getting Genesis back, it's too big for someone like you.
What's a Genesis? JESSE: Gran'ma, they must have hundreds of souls.
GRAN'MA: Get me what I want.
STARR: You're going to Osaka.
We are gonna get my soul.
You are going to have to kill him.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
STARR: No matter what happens from here on out, I'm with you, Messiah.
But if you want your soul you are going to have to kill him.
Thrice blessed, O Custer.
[GUNSHOTS.]
[GRUNTING.]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
I-I'll get the next one.
[GUNSHOTS.]
[GRUNTING.]
[GUNSHOTS.]
[GRUNTING CONTINUES.]
[GUNSHOTS.]
[GRUNTING CONTINUES.]
[GUNSHOTS.]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
Who are you? I am Allfather.
And you know where my soul is? I do indeed.
Well, where is it? It's in a safe place.
[GRUNTS.]
Ohhhh.
Where is it? It's up his ass.
That's his "safe place"? Bravo, Mr.
Custer.
Quite the show.
I have him, Allfather.
Don't kill him! Not yet! He has Genesis! They're back From Osaka.
They're back.
So soon? Well, did they get the? More souls than you can count, apparently.
[CHUCKLES.]
We did it.
Security was tougher than expected.
But we did it.
Good boy.
What happened to her? She died.
Got shot.
Security was tougher than expected.
Well, whe Where are my souls? Out front.
- Out.
.
? - Outside.
What are you doing here? Waitin' for you.
You can't put it off forever.
No, no I-I'm I'm not going yet.
Everything has a price, bitch.
No! No! No! No! Not yet! I'm not ready! JESSE: Gran'ma.
Oh, Jesse.
Jesse, thank God.
You came back to save me.
Yeah, I came back.
- Die! - [SCREAMING.]
[GASPING, BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[DEEP VOICE.]
What do you want? ["TROUBLE IN ZION" PLAYS ON RADIO.]
Trouble in Zion Zion Struggle and passion The time of decision MAN: Cassidy, Mon? Yeah, that's us.
Ohh.
[SIGHS.]
- Give by your reason - [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Give, give - You know, it's funny.
- Give by one million - Still no answer.
- Forget your lesson From Lisa.
I've tried her like four times now.
Well, it's still early in Spain.
My heart is so sad Poland, you mean? The world is going mad You sent her to Gdansk.
He just want to stay Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, yeah [CLEARS THROAT.]
still early there, I imagine.
Stand up, my lion Lion - Feel my emotion - You're a bad man, aren't you? You have a mission [CHUCKLES.]
You know, thanks to you and your pernicious influences.
- Yeah, well - Give by your reason both of us are a couple of hard men now.
Hmm.
Not the brightest of the bunch, though, are we, huh? Out on the town, with the Grail after us? I will annihilate them.
Don't you worry.
We'll be ready.
Well, I hope so.
'Cause, these guys.
.
? you never know when they're gonna turn up.
Thank you, driver.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
[SIGHS.]
I believe in you.
As do we all.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
Yeah, we all really believe in you.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[RINGING CONTINUES.]
[RINGING RAPIDLY.]
He's, uh, uh here is here's Johny! [CHUCKLES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, beautiful.
Your hideousness.
We're good, kid.
Go, uh, hump a duck or whatever it is you're into these days.
I was surprised to get your call.
Well, I have a problem and I thought of you.
Love women and their problems.
Hit me.
There's this girl and she tried to kill me.
Oh, that's terrible.
Really? That's Sorry.
No, I mean it.
This girl is a royal bitch, and I want you to take her down.
I want you to feast on her.
Uh-huh.
Sounds like fun.
I could do that.
What about you, Marie? When are you coming down to join us in Hell? From the looks of things pretty soon, huh? Maybe maybe not.
I gave you the power.
You eat souls, you stay young, you stay alive.
But the day you die, you're mine.
That's the deal.
And it has been such a gift [CHUCKLES.]
but we are making a new deal.
Are we now? Have you been havin' bad dreams again? [CHUCKLES.]
Alright, I'm listening.
But in this "new deal"? I get what? You know my grandson? You know I do.
I've always had an eye out for Jesse.
He is a spoiled, selfish, vengeful little boy.
And? He has something I think you might really want.
[SINGING IN JAPANESE.]
I signed us in.
Human Resources representatives.
Let's do it.
Wait a sec.
Seriously? My character chews gum.
Yours has an ugly nose.
So yeah, let's seriously rob this bitch.
Merely a flesh wound.
Yes, I imagine it would be.
I told you he can be churlish.
Understand, Mr.
Custer.
Your fun time is over.
We're taking Genesis.
Well, people have tried before.
Doesn't usually end well.
Those people never had the resources of The Grail at their fingertips [SLURPING.]
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was that supposed to scare me? So bold for a man bound and surrounded by semi-automatic weapons.
Well, I have something greater than weapons or "resources.
" What's that? Faith.
The impossible, impenetrable belief that I have been chosen.
That Genesis belongs to me.
How can you be so sure? I have been tried.
I've lost kin at the hand of kin.
I've been buried alive and left for dead.
And still, it resides in me.
If not for some divine purpose, then tell me why? Jesse Custer.
You are certainly a preacher.
You're also a fool.
[BEEPS.]
Comfortable? I certainly hope not.
[BOWL THUDS.]
[GAGS, VOMITS.]
[WHISPERS.]
Get me out of here.
This time shoot him in the head.
Shoot him with what? I placed a gun in your jacket pocket.
What the hell good's that gonna do? Don't worry, it has a silencer.
Klaus.
I'm chained to a gurney.
A bazooka in my pocket ain't gonna do shit.
I wish I could do more, but But what? Starr? Are we all set? Yes, Allfather.
Good.
For some profane reason, the Word of God has become attached to you.
Not to worry.
We will coax it out.
Don't tell me.
You're gonna sing me a lullaby? Hmm.
Leave that to the angels.
We prefer jolts of high-voltage electricity.
You really want Genesis to come out? Go ahead.
I can't wait to see your insides sprayed against the walls.
Genesis is not for me.
I am certainly more deserving than you.
But there is one that is most deserving of wielding the greatest power of the universe Whoo.
Ooh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Humperdoo? Where did you hear that horrid name?! He is the Christ child.
The Lord's Most Sweet and Holy Lamb.
And the future home of the Word of God.
Let us begin.
You guys are making a big mistake.
You put Genesis inside him, I'm telling you, he's just gonna [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
[GRUNTS.]
Told you.
Bring in the next one.
[SQUEAKING.]
Oh.
Behold, Mr.
Custer.
Religion's secret weapon: science.
- [KEYBOARD KEYS CLACKING.]
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey, Janie.
Hey, Steve.
You here for the inventory report? In a minute.
How was your weekend? Do anything sexy? Not really.
I walked my dog, then I took a shower.
Were you nude? Well, yeah, I didn't want to get my clothes wet.
Want to get them wet right now? FEATHERSTONE: And freeze.
You upper management pervs need to get your stuff together! This entire branch has become a cesspool of unwanted advances.
There have been 29 sexual harassment complaints in the lobby alone.
Which is why Grail H.
Q.
sent us here.
To implement a new zero-tolerance policy.
Let's try this again.
Only now let's have a volunteer.
Director Matsukata.
Great.
Great.
And this time, let's reverse the situation.
Janie will be the assailant and Director Matsukata her hapless victim.
TULIP: Hey.
Sent you nude pics last night.
Why didn't you text me back? Because I am married.
Gimme the inventory report, limp dick.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hm.
Good report.
Really well-typed.
Nice job.
I am this close, Hiroki, this close to making you Vice President I love my wife.
Oh! Ah! Ah! FEATHERSTONE: And freeze.
Of course the true test is when an attractive woman hits on you.
But it's a good start.
Nice job.
Let's take a break.
After lunch, we'll discuss office dating dos and don'ts.
Okay.
Very good.
I'll have pamphlets for you when you get back.
You know there are easier ways to do this, right? I'm sure there are.
I just wanted to make you grab that guy's ass.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
I've got a job for you.
"Tulip O'Hare.
" What's that? Who is that, Sidney.
Who.
"Tulip O'Hare.
" Who is that? It doesn't matter.
Bring her to me.
[CHUCKLES.]
["THE BLUE DANUBE" PLAYS.]
Whoa! [GRUNTS.]
I took science in high school.
I don't remember so many flyin' intestines.
It'll work.
As soon as Slotnick perfects the cocktail.
Who's Spotnick? Your bartender? Doctor Slotnick is creating a genetic cocktail.
Perhaps you'd enjoy a detailed explanation of our theorems and modalities? Not really, no.
Excellent idea, Allfather.
Bring in the doctor.
Genesis.
The offspring of an angel and a demon.
An entity comprised of "good" and "bad" parts in varying degrees.
It follows then that Genesis would require that a successful host Such as you Be composed of the same specific proportions of goodness and badness.
But how does one re-create those proportions? The answer is a DNA cocktail.
This represents a genetic combination of two persons In this case, Serena Williams and Louis XVI.
The idea being that when their DNA are mixed, it will replicate the same formula of good and bad that exists in you.
Now it's trial and error And obviously, this one was a piece of shit and did not work.
[SPLASHES.]
But we are zeroing in.
And soon You're gonna run out of Humperdoos.
Oh, no, I don't think so.
Thank you, Doctor.
Shall we continue? We are well on our way, sir.
My studies have showed some Get the gun out of my pocket and shoot him.
I-I can't.
Why the hell not? I have socio-political qualms, of course.
But also serious objections to violence in the workplace - You're scared of him.
- You don't understand.
He looks like something out of Ripley's Believe It Or Not! But he's head of the most powerful organization in the world.
He is trying to put Genesis inside Humperdoo! You have to do something! I agree.
Something has to be done but what? [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
I-It's the caterers, Allfather, calling about lunch.
Mm.
[SIGHS.]
[KEYBOARD TAPPING.]
[CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
What'd he say? He says "Kill him.
" Must be some sort of autocorrect thingy.
Uh, t-text him again.
[SIGHS.]
It wasn't autocorrect.
Shit.
Alrighty then, so how we gonna do this? We gonna stab him, huh? We could bloody hang the bugger, you know.
Or a blunt instrument.
Just bash his brains in.
- What about bees? - Bees? Did you just say "bees"? Yeah.
Like on "Wicker Man"? Put a cage around his head and release the bees.
- Christ.
- I vote stabbing.
Look, the "Wicker Man" is a brilliant film, but we're talking about killing a man here, Kev.
- I know.
- N-No, you don't.
Look, where are you even gonna get bees from? What, you have ready access to bees all of a sudden? - You a beekeeper now, are you? - Yeah, I am.
- You are? - Yes.
Beekeeper? Alright.
Apologies.
I'm sorry.
It's actually It's a brilliant idea.
We'll go with the bees.
Do you want to do the bees? Let's do the bees.
I'd imagine we need some honey.
Go and have a word with your grandmother Explain, why are we thinking of killing this man? Because everyone I ever liked, he and his bloody Grail people have tried to kill, right? That's just for starters.
These people hate us, alright.
I remember.
I'm merely suggesting that there might be a better way to make use of him.
A better way of feeding our cause.
You can't be serious.
Oh, indeed I am.
He deserves a choice.
The choice that we've all made.
Death? Or everlasting life? [BEEPS.]
Who are you? Human Resources.
Time to check your browser history [SIGHS.]
[CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
We're good.
So simple steel, side grate, heavy duty cylinder.
- [BEEPS.]
- Okay.
Well, shouldn't take much more than I got it.
I think you'll find I got it.
Seriously.
I wouldn't do that.
What? So, I just stand here and watch you "hack into the mainframe"? Unless you also earned a graduate degree in computer science from M.
I.
T.
? But no.
- I read your file.
- Hmm? You got kicked out of 10th grade.
Why don't you chew your gum? - [BEEPING.]
- Shit.
Enough of this bullshit.
I'm telling you, I wouldn't do that You wouldn't 'cause you couldn't.
- [SCOFFS.]
- And by the way? I didn't get kicked out of 10th grade I dropped out.
[GRUNTS.]
There's so many things I could say right now.
But Just about through the firewall.
So many things I could say right now.
But Damn.
CASSIDY: Alright.
Do you trust me? I do.
Do you choose this freely? I do.
Will you forsake the sunlit world and surrender to our dark and scarlet urging? Like no sun at all? No sunset strolls? No beaches? Well.
Umbrellas, but that's all the time, everywhere you go.
I mean, you'll be having bloody dreams about umbrellas.
You can trust me on that.
Or we could just bloody kill you.
I mean, I'm sure there's a lot of people'd probably prefer that.
No.
I don't want to die.
My mom'd be upset.
- You sure? - Yeah.
Let's do it.
[GRUNTING.]
Chill out.
Jesus.
[HISSES.]
[ALL CHEERING.]
WOMAN: Way to go.
It was awesome.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Aah! [BODY THUDS, GLASS SHATTERS.]
[GRUNTING.]
[GRUNTS.]
Bullocks! Ah! Were you, um, trying to fly? I'd settle for some bloody floatin' at this point.
Yes, well, so would Mrs.
Rosen.
That was her lamp.
No, listen, that's two people I've turned now And that's three including Denis And I still can't do what you can do.
You've turned three, I've turned hundreds.
And you flew a bit the other night.
Oh, come on.
You were helping me out.
Well, I might have guided you a little bit, but you were flying.
No.
I wasn't.
And you know it.
Eccarius, come on.
What are you not teaching me? Well, um Patience, clearly.
[CHUCKLES.]
What's happening over here? Mr.
Hoover! - It's FJ, isn't it? - Yeah.
Do you mind if I call you FJ? - No.
- Didn't FJ do well? - Yeah! - Hardly a tear.
Hip, hip ALL: Hooray! MAN: Whoo! All right.
Well, that was easy.
Uh-huh.
You haven't screwed anything up yet.
Okay, that's it.
What is your prob?! Eh-eh-eh.
None of that.
Be professional.
Let's go.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
[CELLPHONE RINGS, BEEPS.]
Miss Marie yeah, we got 'em, no sweat uh-huh, yeah, I'm listenin' Wow.
Excuse me, miss? I never do this but your booty meat is off the charts! I want to squeeze FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to New Orleans.
Please be aware, as some of your bags may have shifted in the overhead compartments.
Gettin' the truck.
Meet you out front.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Look, I know we get on each other's nerves sometimes but.
Nice job.
Seriously.
I'm a fan.
Thanks.
Appreciate that.
I was joking.
[CHUCKLES.]
So was I.
Tulip O'Hare.
No.
Sorry.
Brown hair.
Dressed as a Grail Officer.
Back from Osaka.
You're Tulip O'Hare.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, ma'am.
My name is Hiroki Matsukata.
See? - My mistake.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, but, um, if you're looking for a brown haired Grail Officer just back from Osaka? I know where you can find her.
Let's go.
Where She didn't make it.
What? Some cop lady took her.
Oh well.
At least we got the Shit.
O'Hare, you stupid! Okay, okay.
Just shut up and think.
No big deal.
We just track the cop lady down to the station and get my briefcase back.
- That wasn't a cop.
- What? And she wasn't taking Featherstone to no goddamn "station.
" - Where's she taking her? - [SIGHS.]
Where is she taking her?! [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
What, are you sending him off already? There's no rest for the weary or the wicked, and Mr.
Hoover is ready.
Alright, you lot.
He's off! ALL: Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly! Alright.
Now we're giving you a second chance here.
Don't be a dick.
Here.
First of many.
You're a good guy.
Mm.
Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly! Fly! Once did a Grail job in Kuala Lumpur.
Humidity's worse than New Orleans if you can believe that, but The Batu Caves were lovely.
[RADIO CLICKS ON.]
[OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
"Don Giovanni.
" Tell me, Mister Hoover.
Why would I send another vampire out into the world? Filthy piece of vermin? Spoiling, stinking, and falling into despair? For charity? Is what I was told.
[HISSING.]
What're you doing? [GROWLING.]
[TAPS ON GLASS.]
[RADIO CLICKS OFF.]
Cassidy? [CHUCKLES.]
What's the matter? Everything alright? Is that where you get your secret powers, is it, huh? Listen, um, you and I can talk about this afterwards.
For the time being, I'm going to take Mr.
Hoover here to the airport.
You're not taking him anywhere, you murderin' piece a shit.
Cassidy? [DOOR OPENS.]
[SNIFFLES.]
This is it.
Founding Father Thomas Jefferson, combined with television icon Wayne Brady.
I call it "The Tom/Brady"! Have you instructed the clone on the proper command.
.
? - Yes, sir.
- I can't believe it.
Allfather's about to weaponize idiocy.
What did you expect was gonna happen? A woman scientist? I didn't believe it was possible.
Well, she is about to make the impossible, possible.
What are you gonna do about it? Yes.
I'm going to reach into your pocket ALLFATHER: Herr Starr! You are one of my most loyal and trusted servants.
Are you not? I am, Allfather.
Do something for me, Herr Starr? Anything, Allfather.
Beignets.
Cafe Du Monde.
Fetch me a few dozen.
Now.
[GRUNTS.]
Genesis chose me, Allfather.
It was meant for me.
A drunk? A thief? A blasphemer? You are a mistake, Mr.
Custer.
That's right you sack of shit.
I'm the mistake that's gonna find God and hold Him to account.
We are ready to begin.
But now you won't have to, Preacher, because this is all the God we shall ever need.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
Say the command.
[ECHOING.]
Bow before me.
[GUNSHOT.]
- [GRUNTS.]
- [GASPS.]
ALLFATHER: Good.
Now bring in the Messiah.
Hello.
Do you, by any chance, have a phone? I need to text a friend of mine.
MAN ON RADIO: This once great nation has had to endure disrespect for our flag, - disrespect for authority - [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
and even disrespect for our President's name - is dishonored on a daily basis.
- Aw, shit It's in the news.
It's in the media They got Hilter.