QI (2003) s12e16 Episode Script
Landmarks
APPLAUSE Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI, the show that knows that it knows nothing.
Tonight is a litter of landmarks, learning and larceny.
And joining me are, the larksome David Mitchell.
APPLAUSE The laudable Colin Lane.
APPLAUSE The ladylike Jo Brand.
APPLAUSE And the live-in, Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE So let's hear their buzzers.
David goes GALLOPING AND GUNFIRE Oh.
And Colin goes.
WHISTLING CRASH Oh, very larky.
And Jo goes BOING, BOING, BOING SPLASHING And Alan goes SAWING SAWING CONTINUES SAWING STOPS LAUGHTER That's it, good.
Well, if you've enjoyed QI, do tune in again next week.
But don't forget that you have Spend A Penny cards.
There is almost certainly MUSIC PLAYS TOILET FLUSHES .
.
going to be a question that is lavatorial.
And if you Spend A Penny when I ask the question, you get extra points.
What about if we actually want to go during the recording? Well, you should find a little bottle and funnel underneath.
Anyway.
Now, last question first.
Why don't you do some of the work for a change? You can talk about one of two things.
What about the death of the last American Civil War pensioner, or the last thing you'd like to see on the London Underground? Choose.
Jo? The last thing I'd like to see on the Underground is a dying American Civil War.
Well, that would, that would put it all into one, wouldn't it? Yes.
Just trying to make it easy.
A dying American Civil War, or a dying American Civil War pensioner? No, a dying American Civil War pensioner.
Yeah, all right, fair enough.
If you can give me a date as to when you will be able to see - the last pensioner from the American Civil War.
- Well, it was in the 1860s.
- Well, it finished in 1865, didn't it, the American Civil War? - Correct.
- I'll give you a point for knowing the date of the end of the Civil War.
- Do I? - Yeah.
- So, more than 100.
And a lady as well! Ooh.
More than 100 years after that is unlikely, so I'm going 1962.
Well, that's not correct.
That's very Because that was He'd have to have been a toddler during the American Civil War, and He might be 115, I'm thinking.
Well, we're talking about pensioners, not veterans.
The last veteran to die, amazingly, died in 1956, aged 109.
- There he is, Woolson his name was.
- And there's the toddler.
And there is a great-great-great-grandchild, I'd imagine.
A lot of them did live well into the 20th century, because they were teenagers during the war.
So he was the last veteran to die.
But pensioners could have received a pension from the United States Government, because of their fathers they would still get a pension.
So it might still be ongoing then.
Well, that's the answer.
Still alive.
And here tonight! If only we could say that.
Yee-ha! It's only 876 a year, but it's still a pension.
And the last widow of a Civil War soldier died in 2008.
Wow.
The last widow of a soldier.
- Yeah.
In 1934, Maudie Hopkins - Shut the front door.
.
.
married an 86-year-old veteran, called William Cantrell, who had fought as a teenager.
How old was Maudie Hopkins? Well, she was pretty old when she died, but um - No, when she got married.
- Oh, she was young.
Very young.
- Really? - Yeah.
- She was a toddler.
Alberta Martin, who died in 2004, she married aged 21, in 1927, an 81-year-old Confederate veteran, who died in 1931.
She then married his grandson.
That's rather peculiar, isn't it, to marry the grandson of your husband? How would you feel if you were the son, though? Yeah, you'd feel cut out, exactly.
- She skipped a generation.
- I know.
- She was 21 and she married - Yes, step-grandson.
- I see.
It would be odd if she married her own grandson.
Right.
OK.
So pretty surprising that these things can be that close.
On a TV show once in England, I sat two spots away from Alan Davies.
- God! - Yeah.
- That's a connection that you're going to boast about in years to come, isn't it? - Yeah.
It's pretty incredible.
And he played with his pen for the whole programme.
- I can't get it off.
- Oh, dear.
Yeah.
So, that's the Civil War answer, the last pensioner who's still alive.
What about, now the London Underground? There was something, which is pretty grisly, that I imagine if you're a decent person wouldn't want to see, but which was seen by people who travelled on the Underground.
It was the last of its kind to happen in Great Britain.
And it's quite odd to imagine something relatively modern like an Underground system overlapping with this.
- Somebody not looking at their phone.
- No, no.
to watch this event and many of them went by Tube.
- Oh, a public execution.
- Was it a hanging? It was a public execution, the last ever public execution in Britain.
- Well, let's say, you know, the most recent.
- Yes.
- We live in dark times.
- We do.
They may well return.
- Yeah.
Well, this one was in Newgate, which is now the Old Bailey, essentially.
The Old Bailey is built on the ruins and the old cellars of Newgate are still there.
And the walk that the dead man used to have to take, through archways of diminishing size.
And there would be baying and crying outside, and then he'd go across and there'd be a little patch of blue sky, and then he'd ascend the steps and then the rope would be straight around him.
And he was a Fenian, an Irish nationalist.
He was called Michael Barrett.
Many people believed he was actually innocent.
A bomb was placed outside Clerkenwell Prison in order to blow a hole in it to free a Fenian prisoner.
So it was probably a Fenian who did it and presumably a gang.
He was the only one arrested and hanged, but on very slender evidence.
But I think the fact of the matter is, you know, if hanging came back again, you'd get thousands of people going to watch it.
It would be like a football match, wouldn't it? - Of course.
If it was open to the public.
- It would go viral.
I don't think it's going to be that long before they have hanging on Big Brother.
Well there you are, the death of the last American Civil War pensioner is unusual because it hasn't yet happened, at least at time of going to press.
And the last thing you'd probably want to go and see on the London Underground was the last public hanging.
Now we move on to L for larceny.
Would you rather get an e-mail from a Spanish prisoner or a Nigerian Prince? Well CRASHING - A Nigerian Prince.
- Why is that, please, pray? - What? - Why is that, please? - I have no reason.
I - Oh, I see.
- I'm using the 50/50 rule.
- Oh, fair enough.
- Yes, yes.
I mean, they're both pretty bad options, to be honest.
Yes, can you trust a Nigerian Prince? Have you never had one of those e-mails? No, no, actually I don't.
No.
Of course Australian internet connection is so slow you probably don't even get e-mails.
You certainly can't You certainly can't download movies or anything.
No, look, I mean I love the country.
It's not your fault.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Listen, Colin - He's only going over there because that's the only place he can get Wi-Fi.
It's not your fault.
I love the country, but I do love so much to hang shit on it as much as I possibly can.
BUZZER Yeah? I had a letter from a Nigerian person and it said, - ring this number and the number was in Spain, so what about that? - Ah.
And it went to a house where I no longer lived, addressed to the person who owned it before I owned it.
That's pretty weird.
Saying, you have won four million euros, or something like this.
Ring this number.
- So I rang the number and I said - Why did you ring the number? Because, you know, what if it was true? LAUGHTER I said, "I just wanted you to know "that the person you've sent this to doesn't live here any more.
- "I don't know where he lives.
" - And how did they respond? They said, "According to the terms of the win, "the winnings can be passed on to the next owner of the house.
" So I said, "Oh, well, that would be me.
" - I said, "This is, this is beginning to sound like a scam.
" - Did you? And then he said, in a really thick Nigerian accent, in feigned indignation, how dare I suggest such a thing.
And I said, "Well, then send me four million euros forthwith.
" And he said, "Well I'll need your bank account details.
" - "I don't think so, sonny Jim," and that was the end of that.
- Yeah.
Though some people do actually string them along, they're called 419 baiters.
You bait them by pretending that you're really interested and you waste their time.
And it's called 419, does anyone know the reason why 419 is attached to it? CRASHING No.
It's because under the penal code of Nigeria, The penal code of Nigeria! All right, OK.
Now, now, now.
You see what I love about those scams is the enormous sums of money, you know, they don't just put like six grand, - which most people, let's be honest, might be quite pleased with.
- Yes.
- But they put sort of 500,000 billion.
- Yes.
And so the thing is, like you know, that really cuts, - I'm just giving them some advice here - Yes.
That completely cuts down the number of people who will believe - something like that.
- Yeah.
Well, unfortunately, they, like all con artists, prey on the most weak and the most vulnerable, and of course, I suppose, the most greedy.
There's an old rule in conning, in grifting, is that you can never con someone who isn't greedy.
You know, all the great cons require people to want money.
Can I just point out, I was not conned.
- No, you weren't conned.
- I was just curious to see who this person was.
- I wasn't referring to you.
- I thought I might get some material out of it.
- Yeah.
But - But the only way I could make it funny was by doing an appalling Nigerian accent, which is apparently racist.
ADOPTS ACCENT: And that would be inappropriate.
This you must not do.
That wasn't it, for example.
- Yeah.
And I can't do that.
- No.
One of the things Nigerians do, which is very pleasing, is they put the stress in very odd places on English words.
So "I am not in that cat-EG-ory," they will say, and things like that, which I find very endearing, and I hope that's not patronising, it's not meant to be.
- Er, but they - It is.
- They use, deliberately - Australia, Nigeria I'm patronising to everyone in equal measure, I assure you, Colin.
Excellent, excellent.
That makes me feel so much better.
- ADOPTS ACCENT: What we just sent is, is a scam.
- So Nice one.
Things like that.
They deliberately use spelling mistakes and bad grammar.
Why would they do that? To attract Australians.
You are basically right.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You got it.
Ah now then! That's my one! No, you can't touch it.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! - See.
- We already know what Australians are like at losing, we've known three times out of four.
APPLAUSE - Colin's possessions.
- Yeah.
What's the most recent result, though? - The most recent Three out of four we'll take.
- Yes.
Yes.
But the reason, sadly, that they tend to use deliberately bad grammar and spelling is to get rid of people who will spot it and think it's not real, it's obviously not from a lawyer.
But people who are more vulnerable, less educated are more likely to fall for it.
So it is all the crueller and meaner for that reason.
Like that word "refund" there, for example.
It's really, really cruel, like all cons of that nature.
- "Refvund" - Yeah, exactly.
Have you had the one where you get an e-mail supposedly from a friend saying, "Oh, I'm stuck in Malta" - Yes, very much so.
- I always send money to those.
Actually I got one from a friend of mine and he really was in trouble and I thought it was a scam and he died.
But, you know, you can't win 'em all.
- That's not true.
- That's not true, no.
- No.
Now, the first part of the question was about the Spanish prisoner, - does that phrase mean anything to you? Does it ring a bell of any kind? - No.
The Spanish prisoner principle was really the same thing.
It was a letter going all the way back, you're going hundreds and hundreds of years, from someone who claimed to be imprisoned by the Spanish, "Please send me money, I will pay you back "a thousandfold and you can marry my beautiful daughter," and so on.
It was a very early con trick.
And in 1914, which was the year Nigeria was founded, the British Ambassador to Spain wrote to the Nigerian colonial officers warning them about the Spanish prisoner tricks, saying, "It appears that perpetrators of this fraud "are still endeavouring to victimise residents of the British colonies.
"The public in Nigeria should be warned to be upon their guard.
" So it's possible that Nigerian criminals got this from their British colonial officers, in fact.
It's a very ancient one.
Now, describe the aviation techniques of the Concrete Arrows.
Well, concrete can't really fly, Stephen, can it, because it's very heavy.
Well, are you saying a jumbo jet isn't heavy? Good point.
- But they didn't make - It needs a lot of thrust.
When you're in an aeroplane, you can hear that noise, which is them filling it with helium.
- I'm assuming that's what the noise is and that's how it works.
- Yes, exactly.
- Yeah.
We're just waiting for the cabin to fill with helium and then we will float gently up and then across the sea.
Imagine the conversations you'd have in the plane if it was filled with helium.
HIGH-PITCHED: "All right, yeah.
"Can I have a cup of tea please?" It does stuff to your ears, so that's what you are hearing.
- But it sounds normal.
- Oh, yes.
Good point.
We look to you for all this information, we're very grateful for it.
Well, of course, you are quite right in the sense that there have never been any flying vehicles built of concrete.
But there have been concrete arrows that have a great deal to do with aviation.
And we go back to the early days of aviation, in a country that was expanding perhaps more rapidly than any economy has ever expanded.
- And that was? The place - America.
America.
The United States of America, yes.
And there's a large landmass and they had Arrows to show the way across it? Well, yes, they had, but this was even faster.
- Is that how big the arrows were? - No.
No, those would be huge.
- But they were - They would be huge.
They were big enough.
And they had 70-foot long concrete arrows every ten miles across the USA.
And there's one that still exists.
In 1933 they stopped the programme, because radio advances and so on had meant they were unnecessary for navigation.
But before that they really needed to find a way that aeroplanes didn't have to dive down into towns to look - and see where they were, which before that - Ask for directions.
- Yeah, basically! - Go down along the high street.
And what was common was that the towns that actually paint the name of the town on a large roof.
Is that what those big, you see roofs with "TEAS" written on it.
- Yeah, well, maybe.
- Is that for pilots who fancy a scone? - Yes, maybe, maybe.
- Teas but no airport nearby, sorry.
But there, yes, the arrows, straightforward.
Really simple and it worked.
Speaking of things visible from the air, can you imagine something that the French made visible from the air to try and win the First World War? Or at least to try not to be utterly crushed by the First World War.
- Something for the German spotter planes to see? - Yes.
The fake weaponry, something like that? Wooden tanks or something.
- Was it a great big baguette? - It was a fake something.
- Fake Eiffel Tower? - Well, and more.
- Fake guillotine, fake Paris.
- Fake Paris.
A fake Paris, Colin, well done.
Finally.
Finally! Come on, Aussie, come on.
CHEERING And now you've had the pleasure of a whole audience being - patronising to you.
- Yes.
Come on, Aussie, come on.
Yes, you're absolutely right.
The French were very worried, as bombing technology was improving towards the end of the war, that their beloved Paris was going to go up in smoke and all the wonderful buildings.
So 15 miles to the north, on a stretch of the Seine, they built lots of buildings, including a Gare du Nord and even moving lights to suggest the railway tracks and other such things.
Unfortunately, it was never completed, because they only had the idea in 1918 and by November of course the war was over.
- Was it to scale? - From the air, yes.
I think it was.
- Not like that London in Legoland.
- No, not like that.
Now, which military leader does this mighty Norfolk oak commemorate? - SPLASHING - Yes, Jo? Nigel Farage? ALARM SOUNDS Well, well.
- It's not a very big oak.
- No, it isn't mighty, is it? - So, it's - So it's not that old, in fact.
- Yeah, it could be - It's about 80 years old, not quite 80.
- Not quite 80.
- It was a sapling.
- Kitchener? - It was a sapling 78 years ago.
- So, no, it would be too late for Kitchener.
- Not Mosley? You're in the right ball park, but even more of a military leader.
Not Hitler? Adolf, as you rightly say, Hit, as you pointed out, ler.
- Yes, he's - There's a commemorative oak tree in Norfolk? The fact is, everybody who won a gold medal in the 1936 Olympics in Berlin was presented with a sapling of an oak tree.
- And they're known as - Our oak trees, Stephen? - Ah, well - You mean they've got oak trees in Germany? Yes, I'm afraid the German for oak is eich, so Eichmann is oak-man.
- Is it really? - Hmm, yes.
- I feel soiled.
Some of the oak trees are on the German side.
Yes, our word acorn and oak come from the eich.
- Stout proud English oak, why are we always going on about? - I know.
Anyway, the Hitler oaks, there are none left in Britain except the one in Norfolk, which is surviving, as you see.
You would assume that it's not going to really last that long, once people watch this.
- Well, no, they might go and hack it down.
- Yes.
A lot of Americans didn't keep theirs for that reason.
Jessie Owens actually did keep his.
He won, how many gold medals at the? - Four.
- Four, quite right.
And one of his Hitler oaks survives in his old training school in Cleveland, Ohio.
He gave another to his mother.
- Some US athletes threw theirs away, as I say.
- What a lovely present.
It was handed out by the committee, rather than Hitler himself, but they were, of course, associated so much with his regime.
I gave my mum a pair of Saddam Hussein's pants for her birthday.
Anyway, there you go.
Congratulations to all those who did win.
Let's see how good your history is.
Who can you see here? Let's have a look.
It was filmed in 1902.
Who is the august gentleman in the beard? George V? ALARM SOUNDS No, isn't it, it looks It's Edward VII.
It looks exactly like Edward VII.
On the other hand, it isn't.
ALARM SOUNDS - It's not Edward VII?! - No.
- It looks - I know, it looks so like him.
- It's Father Christmas.
And it took place in 1902, which was the year of Edward VII's coronation.
You could have played a Spend A Penny bonus, but I'll let you get extra points if you can spot the lavatory attendant in this? Is he going to the lavatory in the film? It's the man sitting down in the throne.
The man you thought was Edward VII is in fact a lavatory attendant.
He doesn't look so much like Edward VII now.
- No, that's because he's in profile now.
- Ah, I see.
- He did look a bit like him full-on.
- It's not HD either, is it? No, it's not HD.
It's the early days of cinema and the early days of cinema were dominated by one nation more than any other, really.
- And they were? - France.
The French, yes, exactly.
And in 1902, a French film-maker called George Melies, decided to film the coronation, but he wasn't allowed in Westminster Abbey, as soon as they heard how loud the film camera was when it was being cranked.
They said, "We will have none of that nonsense here.
" So he decided to restage it, in France, and in a studio.
And he found this lavatory attendant, who had a nice beard, who was the right size, big adipose deposit, a tubby chap in other words.
And he, basically, went through all the, you know, elements of the coronation as happened.
And so it was the first filmed simulacrum of a coronation, but it wasn't the real thing.
In fact, Edward was ill for the real day, so he was able then to go to England and film the carriages arriving and cut that into the footage.
And so that was the only real part, the rest of it was made up.
- And it put - What was the catering like? - Probably wonderful, if it was French, I should imagine.
- Yes.
- What else? The film went more smoothly than the real thing.
In the actual ceremony the very elderly and almost blind Archbishop of Canterbury put the crown on backwards.
- He then couldn't get up.
- He shouldn't put it on at all.
- No! LAUGHTER - He was larking about.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
He also had to kneel down to swear fealty to the King and then he couldn't get up again.
So the King had to help him up.
Well, that's what royalty should be, a blind Archbishop of Canterbury and a great big fat king who keeps getting terrible constipation and being unable to turn up at his own coronation.
Exactly.
But the film, you'll be pleased to know, was a huge success.
It briefly made that lavatory attendant one of the most famous film stars in the world.
In 1902 there weren't many to compare him with, but he was huge.
- He was one of the biggest film star of the world.
- Yeah, exactly.
And the King saw it when it came out, and he enjoyed it hugely, apparently.
According to a letter sent to us by Pauline Melies, who is the great-great-granddaughter of the film maker.
Thank you, Pauline, for sending us that.
Do you think Edward thought it was real? He watched it and said, "I think I've lost weight.
" Possibly.
Possibly.
So, in the film, The Coronation Of Edward VII, the man on the throne is a lavatory attendant.
Now it's time for a bit of General Ignorance, so fingers on buzzers please.
Where is the Duchy of Cornwall? BUZZER Yes? Devon? - You're right.
- Is it? That's to say That is to say, more of it is in Devon than is in Cornwall.
- It's mainly in Waitrose now.
- Yes, you're quite right.
You know, in terms of value, one packet of those biscuits would buy you a farmhouse.
Somebody from Australia, what's a duchy? Is it something you'd pass to the left-hand side, or? A duchy is just another word for a dukedom.
One of the titles that was given to the Prince of Wales when he was invested as Prince of Wales, in 1973, was the Duke of Cornwall, which is typical.
There he was getting invested.
- That's the Cornish flag.
- And that's the Cornish flag.
And that's pretty much all that can be said on that subject, I think, but you got it right.
Now, what does a cowboy call his rope? GALLOPING AND FIRING A lasso.
- ALARM SOUNDS - Oh, what a shame! I don't think that's usual.
- Does he call it a rope? - He does.
You're on fire! - Come on! - Yeah.
Lassos and lariats and so on, if you used that word, it would be a dead giveaway that you are, you know, like Billy Crystal, a city slicker in the world of the Wild West.
They weren't invented in the Wild West, of course, obviously they'd been used before.
Ancient Egyptians used to them to capture antelopes and wild oxen.
However, they didn't use horses, the ancient Egyptians.
Oh, look at that, they're catching a hippo with one.
- That's very impressive.
- Hippos are nasty aren't they? - Oh, gosh, yes.
- They kill lots of people, even though they're vegetarians.
Yeah, yeah.
Usually by attacking boats and things like that.
But NASA is planning to use a lasso to capture what, would you imagine? Stuff in space that's flying around dangerously, a bit like in Gravity? Well, it's not dangerous stuff, it's an asteroid, - it plans to lasso an asteroid, would you believe.
- Oh, God! And drag it into orbit around the moon.
- Why are all their ideas so ridiculous?! - I know.
They're going to choose a small one, it's only about seven metres across.
A specific type which would break up harmlessly in the Earth's atmosphere, in case it I think they should send Sandra Bullock to do it.
Which wonderful country is that there? - Yes, look at it.
- Hi.
It's about to be obliterated.
Last question.
Which company makes the most tyres in the world? Goodyear.
ALARM SOUNDS Oh! I had a very good year, thank you.
But no, no, not Goodyear.
Harry Hill used to do that joke.
So who used to play Bet Lynch in? What's the character, Julie? - Julie.
- Julie, um - Goodyear.
Yeah, not bad thanks.
It's like the Who was that Austrian racing driver Niki, Niki? Lauda.
WHO WAS THAT AUSTRIAN? Did you know that that actress was stabbed, sad story, that actress who was stabbed, she was in Legally Blonde, Reese? Witherspoon? No, with a knife.
Hey! Oh! Who's that actress who was in Friends? Courteney, Courteney? What was her name? Cox.
Caught any cock? No, not lately, you're supposed to say.
No, silly.
Silly, silly, silly, silly, silly.
Sorry.
- A good one to finish on.
- Yeah, a very good one.
So who makes the most tyres in the world? It's not Goodyear.
- A major tyre manufacturer? - Dunlop? - Yes.
It's not Dunlop.
Hankook? Hankook? - Firestone.
- Firestone.
No, not Firestone.
Pirelli.
If we get the right one, do we get points? - Yes, you'll get - Pirelli? - Not Pirelli, no.
- Tyres, you know - Continental? < SHOUT FROM AUDIENCE: Lego! Oh, audience gets the answer.
- Oh, Lego.
- It's Lego.
- Lego.
Very good.
Very good, aren't they? Hey! - It sort of depends how you define a tyre, doesn't it? - It does.
They're not pneumatic, it must be said, but then tyres, there were tyres before pneumatic tyres.
And they're not the same.
Well, there you are, on that interesting Lego note, that's all for tonight.
Leaving only the little matter of the scores.
How interesting they are.
I'm afraid to say, in a rather convincing last place, with minus 48, it's David Mitchell.
APPLAUSE And a full 30 points ahead, with minus 18, Jo Brand.
APPLAUSE Most impressively, skating on nil points, Alan Davies! APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Say what you like about them Every cliche proven.
Bad losers, bad winners, graceless, but unquestionably nearly always victorious, - our winner, Colin Lane with two points.
- Yes! APPLAUSE So, it's good night from Colin, David, Jo, Alan and me.
And I leave you with the last words of British politician Henry Fox.
"If Mr Selwyn calls again, show him up.
"If I am alive, I shall be delighted to see him.
"And if I am dead, he would be delighted to see me.
" Good night.
APPLAUSE
Tonight is a litter of landmarks, learning and larceny.
And joining me are, the larksome David Mitchell.
APPLAUSE The laudable Colin Lane.
APPLAUSE The ladylike Jo Brand.
APPLAUSE And the live-in, Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE So let's hear their buzzers.
David goes GALLOPING AND GUNFIRE Oh.
And Colin goes.
WHISTLING CRASH Oh, very larky.
And Jo goes BOING, BOING, BOING SPLASHING And Alan goes SAWING SAWING CONTINUES SAWING STOPS LAUGHTER That's it, good.
Well, if you've enjoyed QI, do tune in again next week.
But don't forget that you have Spend A Penny cards.
There is almost certainly MUSIC PLAYS TOILET FLUSHES .
.
going to be a question that is lavatorial.
And if you Spend A Penny when I ask the question, you get extra points.
What about if we actually want to go during the recording? Well, you should find a little bottle and funnel underneath.
Anyway.
Now, last question first.
Why don't you do some of the work for a change? You can talk about one of two things.
What about the death of the last American Civil War pensioner, or the last thing you'd like to see on the London Underground? Choose.
Jo? The last thing I'd like to see on the Underground is a dying American Civil War.
Well, that would, that would put it all into one, wouldn't it? Yes.
Just trying to make it easy.
A dying American Civil War, or a dying American Civil War pensioner? No, a dying American Civil War pensioner.
Yeah, all right, fair enough.
If you can give me a date as to when you will be able to see - the last pensioner from the American Civil War.
- Well, it was in the 1860s.
- Well, it finished in 1865, didn't it, the American Civil War? - Correct.
- I'll give you a point for knowing the date of the end of the Civil War.
- Do I? - Yeah.
- So, more than 100.
And a lady as well! Ooh.
More than 100 years after that is unlikely, so I'm going 1962.
Well, that's not correct.
That's very Because that was He'd have to have been a toddler during the American Civil War, and He might be 115, I'm thinking.
Well, we're talking about pensioners, not veterans.
The last veteran to die, amazingly, died in 1956, aged 109.
- There he is, Woolson his name was.
- And there's the toddler.
And there is a great-great-great-grandchild, I'd imagine.
A lot of them did live well into the 20th century, because they were teenagers during the war.
So he was the last veteran to die.
But pensioners could have received a pension from the United States Government, because of their fathers they would still get a pension.
So it might still be ongoing then.
Well, that's the answer.
Still alive.
And here tonight! If only we could say that.
Yee-ha! It's only 876 a year, but it's still a pension.
And the last widow of a Civil War soldier died in 2008.
Wow.
The last widow of a soldier.
- Yeah.
In 1934, Maudie Hopkins - Shut the front door.
.
.
married an 86-year-old veteran, called William Cantrell, who had fought as a teenager.
How old was Maudie Hopkins? Well, she was pretty old when she died, but um - No, when she got married.
- Oh, she was young.
Very young.
- Really? - Yeah.
- She was a toddler.
Alberta Martin, who died in 2004, she married aged 21, in 1927, an 81-year-old Confederate veteran, who died in 1931.
She then married his grandson.
That's rather peculiar, isn't it, to marry the grandson of your husband? How would you feel if you were the son, though? Yeah, you'd feel cut out, exactly.
- She skipped a generation.
- I know.
- She was 21 and she married - Yes, step-grandson.
- I see.
It would be odd if she married her own grandson.
Right.
OK.
So pretty surprising that these things can be that close.
On a TV show once in England, I sat two spots away from Alan Davies.
- God! - Yeah.
- That's a connection that you're going to boast about in years to come, isn't it? - Yeah.
It's pretty incredible.
And he played with his pen for the whole programme.
- I can't get it off.
- Oh, dear.
Yeah.
So, that's the Civil War answer, the last pensioner who's still alive.
What about, now the London Underground? There was something, which is pretty grisly, that I imagine if you're a decent person wouldn't want to see, but which was seen by people who travelled on the Underground.
It was the last of its kind to happen in Great Britain.
And it's quite odd to imagine something relatively modern like an Underground system overlapping with this.
- Somebody not looking at their phone.
- No, no.
to watch this event and many of them went by Tube.
- Oh, a public execution.
- Was it a hanging? It was a public execution, the last ever public execution in Britain.
- Well, let's say, you know, the most recent.
- Yes.
- We live in dark times.
- We do.
They may well return.
- Yeah.
Well, this one was in Newgate, which is now the Old Bailey, essentially.
The Old Bailey is built on the ruins and the old cellars of Newgate are still there.
And the walk that the dead man used to have to take, through archways of diminishing size.
And there would be baying and crying outside, and then he'd go across and there'd be a little patch of blue sky, and then he'd ascend the steps and then the rope would be straight around him.
And he was a Fenian, an Irish nationalist.
He was called Michael Barrett.
Many people believed he was actually innocent.
A bomb was placed outside Clerkenwell Prison in order to blow a hole in it to free a Fenian prisoner.
So it was probably a Fenian who did it and presumably a gang.
He was the only one arrested and hanged, but on very slender evidence.
But I think the fact of the matter is, you know, if hanging came back again, you'd get thousands of people going to watch it.
It would be like a football match, wouldn't it? - Of course.
If it was open to the public.
- It would go viral.
I don't think it's going to be that long before they have hanging on Big Brother.
Well there you are, the death of the last American Civil War pensioner is unusual because it hasn't yet happened, at least at time of going to press.
And the last thing you'd probably want to go and see on the London Underground was the last public hanging.
Now we move on to L for larceny.
Would you rather get an e-mail from a Spanish prisoner or a Nigerian Prince? Well CRASHING - A Nigerian Prince.
- Why is that, please, pray? - What? - Why is that, please? - I have no reason.
I - Oh, I see.
- I'm using the 50/50 rule.
- Oh, fair enough.
- Yes, yes.
I mean, they're both pretty bad options, to be honest.
Yes, can you trust a Nigerian Prince? Have you never had one of those e-mails? No, no, actually I don't.
No.
Of course Australian internet connection is so slow you probably don't even get e-mails.
You certainly can't You certainly can't download movies or anything.
No, look, I mean I love the country.
It's not your fault.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Listen, Colin - He's only going over there because that's the only place he can get Wi-Fi.
It's not your fault.
I love the country, but I do love so much to hang shit on it as much as I possibly can.
BUZZER Yeah? I had a letter from a Nigerian person and it said, - ring this number and the number was in Spain, so what about that? - Ah.
And it went to a house where I no longer lived, addressed to the person who owned it before I owned it.
That's pretty weird.
Saying, you have won four million euros, or something like this.
Ring this number.
- So I rang the number and I said - Why did you ring the number? Because, you know, what if it was true? LAUGHTER I said, "I just wanted you to know "that the person you've sent this to doesn't live here any more.
- "I don't know where he lives.
" - And how did they respond? They said, "According to the terms of the win, "the winnings can be passed on to the next owner of the house.
" So I said, "Oh, well, that would be me.
" - I said, "This is, this is beginning to sound like a scam.
" - Did you? And then he said, in a really thick Nigerian accent, in feigned indignation, how dare I suggest such a thing.
And I said, "Well, then send me four million euros forthwith.
" And he said, "Well I'll need your bank account details.
" - "I don't think so, sonny Jim," and that was the end of that.
- Yeah.
Though some people do actually string them along, they're called 419 baiters.
You bait them by pretending that you're really interested and you waste their time.
And it's called 419, does anyone know the reason why 419 is attached to it? CRASHING No.
It's because under the penal code of Nigeria, The penal code of Nigeria! All right, OK.
Now, now, now.
You see what I love about those scams is the enormous sums of money, you know, they don't just put like six grand, - which most people, let's be honest, might be quite pleased with.
- Yes.
- But they put sort of 500,000 billion.
- Yes.
And so the thing is, like you know, that really cuts, - I'm just giving them some advice here - Yes.
That completely cuts down the number of people who will believe - something like that.
- Yeah.
Well, unfortunately, they, like all con artists, prey on the most weak and the most vulnerable, and of course, I suppose, the most greedy.
There's an old rule in conning, in grifting, is that you can never con someone who isn't greedy.
You know, all the great cons require people to want money.
Can I just point out, I was not conned.
- No, you weren't conned.
- I was just curious to see who this person was.
- I wasn't referring to you.
- I thought I might get some material out of it.
- Yeah.
But - But the only way I could make it funny was by doing an appalling Nigerian accent, which is apparently racist.
ADOPTS ACCENT: And that would be inappropriate.
This you must not do.
That wasn't it, for example.
- Yeah.
And I can't do that.
- No.
One of the things Nigerians do, which is very pleasing, is they put the stress in very odd places on English words.
So "I am not in that cat-EG-ory," they will say, and things like that, which I find very endearing, and I hope that's not patronising, it's not meant to be.
- Er, but they - It is.
- They use, deliberately - Australia, Nigeria I'm patronising to everyone in equal measure, I assure you, Colin.
Excellent, excellent.
That makes me feel so much better.
- ADOPTS ACCENT: What we just sent is, is a scam.
- So Nice one.
Things like that.
They deliberately use spelling mistakes and bad grammar.
Why would they do that? To attract Australians.
You are basically right.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You got it.
Ah now then! That's my one! No, you can't touch it.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! - See.
- We already know what Australians are like at losing, we've known three times out of four.
APPLAUSE - Colin's possessions.
- Yeah.
What's the most recent result, though? - The most recent Three out of four we'll take.
- Yes.
Yes.
But the reason, sadly, that they tend to use deliberately bad grammar and spelling is to get rid of people who will spot it and think it's not real, it's obviously not from a lawyer.
But people who are more vulnerable, less educated are more likely to fall for it.
So it is all the crueller and meaner for that reason.
Like that word "refund" there, for example.
It's really, really cruel, like all cons of that nature.
- "Refvund" - Yeah, exactly.
Have you had the one where you get an e-mail supposedly from a friend saying, "Oh, I'm stuck in Malta" - Yes, very much so.
- I always send money to those.
Actually I got one from a friend of mine and he really was in trouble and I thought it was a scam and he died.
But, you know, you can't win 'em all.
- That's not true.
- That's not true, no.
- No.
Now, the first part of the question was about the Spanish prisoner, - does that phrase mean anything to you? Does it ring a bell of any kind? - No.
The Spanish prisoner principle was really the same thing.
It was a letter going all the way back, you're going hundreds and hundreds of years, from someone who claimed to be imprisoned by the Spanish, "Please send me money, I will pay you back "a thousandfold and you can marry my beautiful daughter," and so on.
It was a very early con trick.
And in 1914, which was the year Nigeria was founded, the British Ambassador to Spain wrote to the Nigerian colonial officers warning them about the Spanish prisoner tricks, saying, "It appears that perpetrators of this fraud "are still endeavouring to victimise residents of the British colonies.
"The public in Nigeria should be warned to be upon their guard.
" So it's possible that Nigerian criminals got this from their British colonial officers, in fact.
It's a very ancient one.
Now, describe the aviation techniques of the Concrete Arrows.
Well, concrete can't really fly, Stephen, can it, because it's very heavy.
Well, are you saying a jumbo jet isn't heavy? Good point.
- But they didn't make - It needs a lot of thrust.
When you're in an aeroplane, you can hear that noise, which is them filling it with helium.
- I'm assuming that's what the noise is and that's how it works.
- Yes, exactly.
- Yeah.
We're just waiting for the cabin to fill with helium and then we will float gently up and then across the sea.
Imagine the conversations you'd have in the plane if it was filled with helium.
HIGH-PITCHED: "All right, yeah.
"Can I have a cup of tea please?" It does stuff to your ears, so that's what you are hearing.
- But it sounds normal.
- Oh, yes.
Good point.
We look to you for all this information, we're very grateful for it.
Well, of course, you are quite right in the sense that there have never been any flying vehicles built of concrete.
But there have been concrete arrows that have a great deal to do with aviation.
And we go back to the early days of aviation, in a country that was expanding perhaps more rapidly than any economy has ever expanded.
- And that was? The place - America.
America.
The United States of America, yes.
And there's a large landmass and they had Arrows to show the way across it? Well, yes, they had, but this was even faster.
- Is that how big the arrows were? - No.
No, those would be huge.
- But they were - They would be huge.
They were big enough.
And they had 70-foot long concrete arrows every ten miles across the USA.
And there's one that still exists.
In 1933 they stopped the programme, because radio advances and so on had meant they were unnecessary for navigation.
But before that they really needed to find a way that aeroplanes didn't have to dive down into towns to look - and see where they were, which before that - Ask for directions.
- Yeah, basically! - Go down along the high street.
And what was common was that the towns that actually paint the name of the town on a large roof.
Is that what those big, you see roofs with "TEAS" written on it.
- Yeah, well, maybe.
- Is that for pilots who fancy a scone? - Yes, maybe, maybe.
- Teas but no airport nearby, sorry.
But there, yes, the arrows, straightforward.
Really simple and it worked.
Speaking of things visible from the air, can you imagine something that the French made visible from the air to try and win the First World War? Or at least to try not to be utterly crushed by the First World War.
- Something for the German spotter planes to see? - Yes.
The fake weaponry, something like that? Wooden tanks or something.
- Was it a great big baguette? - It was a fake something.
- Fake Eiffel Tower? - Well, and more.
- Fake guillotine, fake Paris.
- Fake Paris.
A fake Paris, Colin, well done.
Finally.
Finally! Come on, Aussie, come on.
CHEERING And now you've had the pleasure of a whole audience being - patronising to you.
- Yes.
Come on, Aussie, come on.
Yes, you're absolutely right.
The French were very worried, as bombing technology was improving towards the end of the war, that their beloved Paris was going to go up in smoke and all the wonderful buildings.
So 15 miles to the north, on a stretch of the Seine, they built lots of buildings, including a Gare du Nord and even moving lights to suggest the railway tracks and other such things.
Unfortunately, it was never completed, because they only had the idea in 1918 and by November of course the war was over.
- Was it to scale? - From the air, yes.
I think it was.
- Not like that London in Legoland.
- No, not like that.
Now, which military leader does this mighty Norfolk oak commemorate? - SPLASHING - Yes, Jo? Nigel Farage? ALARM SOUNDS Well, well.
- It's not a very big oak.
- No, it isn't mighty, is it? - So, it's - So it's not that old, in fact.
- Yeah, it could be - It's about 80 years old, not quite 80.
- Not quite 80.
- It was a sapling.
- Kitchener? - It was a sapling 78 years ago.
- So, no, it would be too late for Kitchener.
- Not Mosley? You're in the right ball park, but even more of a military leader.
Not Hitler? Adolf, as you rightly say, Hit, as you pointed out, ler.
- Yes, he's - There's a commemorative oak tree in Norfolk? The fact is, everybody who won a gold medal in the 1936 Olympics in Berlin was presented with a sapling of an oak tree.
- And they're known as - Our oak trees, Stephen? - Ah, well - You mean they've got oak trees in Germany? Yes, I'm afraid the German for oak is eich, so Eichmann is oak-man.
- Is it really? - Hmm, yes.
- I feel soiled.
Some of the oak trees are on the German side.
Yes, our word acorn and oak come from the eich.
- Stout proud English oak, why are we always going on about? - I know.
Anyway, the Hitler oaks, there are none left in Britain except the one in Norfolk, which is surviving, as you see.
You would assume that it's not going to really last that long, once people watch this.
- Well, no, they might go and hack it down.
- Yes.
A lot of Americans didn't keep theirs for that reason.
Jessie Owens actually did keep his.
He won, how many gold medals at the? - Four.
- Four, quite right.
And one of his Hitler oaks survives in his old training school in Cleveland, Ohio.
He gave another to his mother.
- Some US athletes threw theirs away, as I say.
- What a lovely present.
It was handed out by the committee, rather than Hitler himself, but they were, of course, associated so much with his regime.
I gave my mum a pair of Saddam Hussein's pants for her birthday.
Anyway, there you go.
Congratulations to all those who did win.
Let's see how good your history is.
Who can you see here? Let's have a look.
It was filmed in 1902.
Who is the august gentleman in the beard? George V? ALARM SOUNDS No, isn't it, it looks It's Edward VII.
It looks exactly like Edward VII.
On the other hand, it isn't.
ALARM SOUNDS - It's not Edward VII?! - No.
- It looks - I know, it looks so like him.
- It's Father Christmas.
And it took place in 1902, which was the year of Edward VII's coronation.
You could have played a Spend A Penny bonus, but I'll let you get extra points if you can spot the lavatory attendant in this? Is he going to the lavatory in the film? It's the man sitting down in the throne.
The man you thought was Edward VII is in fact a lavatory attendant.
He doesn't look so much like Edward VII now.
- No, that's because he's in profile now.
- Ah, I see.
- He did look a bit like him full-on.
- It's not HD either, is it? No, it's not HD.
It's the early days of cinema and the early days of cinema were dominated by one nation more than any other, really.
- And they were? - France.
The French, yes, exactly.
And in 1902, a French film-maker called George Melies, decided to film the coronation, but he wasn't allowed in Westminster Abbey, as soon as they heard how loud the film camera was when it was being cranked.
They said, "We will have none of that nonsense here.
" So he decided to restage it, in France, and in a studio.
And he found this lavatory attendant, who had a nice beard, who was the right size, big adipose deposit, a tubby chap in other words.
And he, basically, went through all the, you know, elements of the coronation as happened.
And so it was the first filmed simulacrum of a coronation, but it wasn't the real thing.
In fact, Edward was ill for the real day, so he was able then to go to England and film the carriages arriving and cut that into the footage.
And so that was the only real part, the rest of it was made up.
- And it put - What was the catering like? - Probably wonderful, if it was French, I should imagine.
- Yes.
- What else? The film went more smoothly than the real thing.
In the actual ceremony the very elderly and almost blind Archbishop of Canterbury put the crown on backwards.
- He then couldn't get up.
- He shouldn't put it on at all.
- No! LAUGHTER - He was larking about.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
He also had to kneel down to swear fealty to the King and then he couldn't get up again.
So the King had to help him up.
Well, that's what royalty should be, a blind Archbishop of Canterbury and a great big fat king who keeps getting terrible constipation and being unable to turn up at his own coronation.
Exactly.
But the film, you'll be pleased to know, was a huge success.
It briefly made that lavatory attendant one of the most famous film stars in the world.
In 1902 there weren't many to compare him with, but he was huge.
- He was one of the biggest film star of the world.
- Yeah, exactly.
And the King saw it when it came out, and he enjoyed it hugely, apparently.
According to a letter sent to us by Pauline Melies, who is the great-great-granddaughter of the film maker.
Thank you, Pauline, for sending us that.
Do you think Edward thought it was real? He watched it and said, "I think I've lost weight.
" Possibly.
Possibly.
So, in the film, The Coronation Of Edward VII, the man on the throne is a lavatory attendant.
Now it's time for a bit of General Ignorance, so fingers on buzzers please.
Where is the Duchy of Cornwall? BUZZER Yes? Devon? - You're right.
- Is it? That's to say That is to say, more of it is in Devon than is in Cornwall.
- It's mainly in Waitrose now.
- Yes, you're quite right.
You know, in terms of value, one packet of those biscuits would buy you a farmhouse.
Somebody from Australia, what's a duchy? Is it something you'd pass to the left-hand side, or? A duchy is just another word for a dukedom.
One of the titles that was given to the Prince of Wales when he was invested as Prince of Wales, in 1973, was the Duke of Cornwall, which is typical.
There he was getting invested.
- That's the Cornish flag.
- And that's the Cornish flag.
And that's pretty much all that can be said on that subject, I think, but you got it right.
Now, what does a cowboy call his rope? GALLOPING AND FIRING A lasso.
- ALARM SOUNDS - Oh, what a shame! I don't think that's usual.
- Does he call it a rope? - He does.
You're on fire! - Come on! - Yeah.
Lassos and lariats and so on, if you used that word, it would be a dead giveaway that you are, you know, like Billy Crystal, a city slicker in the world of the Wild West.
They weren't invented in the Wild West, of course, obviously they'd been used before.
Ancient Egyptians used to them to capture antelopes and wild oxen.
However, they didn't use horses, the ancient Egyptians.
Oh, look at that, they're catching a hippo with one.
- That's very impressive.
- Hippos are nasty aren't they? - Oh, gosh, yes.
- They kill lots of people, even though they're vegetarians.
Yeah, yeah.
Usually by attacking boats and things like that.
But NASA is planning to use a lasso to capture what, would you imagine? Stuff in space that's flying around dangerously, a bit like in Gravity? Well, it's not dangerous stuff, it's an asteroid, - it plans to lasso an asteroid, would you believe.
- Oh, God! And drag it into orbit around the moon.
- Why are all their ideas so ridiculous?! - I know.
They're going to choose a small one, it's only about seven metres across.
A specific type which would break up harmlessly in the Earth's atmosphere, in case it I think they should send Sandra Bullock to do it.
Which wonderful country is that there? - Yes, look at it.
- Hi.
It's about to be obliterated.
Last question.
Which company makes the most tyres in the world? Goodyear.
ALARM SOUNDS Oh! I had a very good year, thank you.
But no, no, not Goodyear.
Harry Hill used to do that joke.
So who used to play Bet Lynch in? What's the character, Julie? - Julie.
- Julie, um - Goodyear.
Yeah, not bad thanks.
It's like the Who was that Austrian racing driver Niki, Niki? Lauda.
WHO WAS THAT AUSTRIAN? Did you know that that actress was stabbed, sad story, that actress who was stabbed, she was in Legally Blonde, Reese? Witherspoon? No, with a knife.
Hey! Oh! Who's that actress who was in Friends? Courteney, Courteney? What was her name? Cox.
Caught any cock? No, not lately, you're supposed to say.
No, silly.
Silly, silly, silly, silly, silly.
Sorry.
- A good one to finish on.
- Yeah, a very good one.
So who makes the most tyres in the world? It's not Goodyear.
- A major tyre manufacturer? - Dunlop? - Yes.
It's not Dunlop.
Hankook? Hankook? - Firestone.
- Firestone.
No, not Firestone.
Pirelli.
If we get the right one, do we get points? - Yes, you'll get - Pirelli? - Not Pirelli, no.
- Tyres, you know - Continental? < SHOUT FROM AUDIENCE: Lego! Oh, audience gets the answer.
- Oh, Lego.
- It's Lego.
- Lego.
Very good.
Very good, aren't they? Hey! - It sort of depends how you define a tyre, doesn't it? - It does.
They're not pneumatic, it must be said, but then tyres, there were tyres before pneumatic tyres.
And they're not the same.
Well, there you are, on that interesting Lego note, that's all for tonight.
Leaving only the little matter of the scores.
How interesting they are.
I'm afraid to say, in a rather convincing last place, with minus 48, it's David Mitchell.
APPLAUSE And a full 30 points ahead, with minus 18, Jo Brand.
APPLAUSE Most impressively, skating on nil points, Alan Davies! APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Say what you like about them Every cliche proven.
Bad losers, bad winners, graceless, but unquestionably nearly always victorious, - our winner, Colin Lane with two points.
- Yes! APPLAUSE So, it's good night from Colin, David, Jo, Alan and me.
And I leave you with the last words of British politician Henry Fox.
"If Mr Selwyn calls again, show him up.
"If I am alive, I shall be delighted to see him.
"And if I am dead, he would be delighted to see me.
" Good night.
APPLAUSE