QI (2003) s12e17 Episode Script
VG:Part One
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Good evening, guten Abend, bonsoir, and welcome to the QI L series.
Now, what does the loneliest whale in the world sound like? HE WARBLES HE CONTINUES HE SHRIEKS Somebody feed him! It's not even close.
I don't know what that sounded like, I never want to hear it ever again.
Your wife is a very lucky woman.
Do you know that? Yeah, this particular whale, there's one, we don't actually know what species it is, because no-one's found it, but people have heard it.
And it's very unusual because it's the highest-pitched whale that's ever been recorded by hydrophones, the microphones you pop down into the depths.
But how do they know that it's lonely? - Because it's never been answered.
- Ah.
But maybe it just likes spending time on its own.
It might do, there are theories.
Maybe it's like singing in your kitchen in your nightie? Also, how do we know, if we've never seen it, how do we know that it IS a whale? It might be a couple of dolphins mucking about with a big shell.
- Just - HE WARBLES "They're coming, they're coming!" "No, nothing.
No.
" There's a whale over there I think, but, then HE WARBLES - No, I think - That's the shell.
- That's the shell.
- It's a conch.
Ooh! Ooh! - I didn't think "conch" when you did that.
- Oh, dear! - Are you suggesting that I'm - I'm not suggesting anything.
Are you suggesting I'm somehow pleasuring a whale?! LAUGHTER No.
The sperm whale's penis is about three metres long.
Yeah, you'd need a bigger mouth than even you have got.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE LAUGHTER - Isn't it great how we're all so keen to be involved? - Absolutely.
- I'll have a go at that! I'll have a go! - Hang on a second, if we're all getting involved, I'll start here, have it all the way along the front.
Here, you hold it like that, right, and then.
- Right, here you go.
- LAUGHTER - Right, there we go, there we go! - THUDDING AND LAUGHTER Heave ho! Heave ho! It's going to blow! Oh, dear, dear, dear A whale at a birthday party? - Well, they take up a lot of room, you'd need a big hall.
- Yeah.
I think you're getting there.
Yeah.
That's good encouragement, thanks, Richard.
That's OK.
Think it would be fun for the kids to get inside, couldn't they, - play around.
- True.
- Bouncy castle.
- "Bouncy arsehole", did you say? - No! LAUGHTER I didn't, but by all means Oh, "bouncy castle".
- Bouncy castle.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, I see what you mean, yeah.
UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGHTER "Yeah, I'd like to hire a bouncy arsehole, if I may?" LAUGHTER Oops.
No.
List things that you need for children's parties.
- Well, my kids - Cake, and I was thinking candles.
- Yeah.
- Candles is one.
- Right, cake - Pass the parcel.
- Pass the parcel.
- Balloons.
- Yes! - Balloons! - Balloons.
- A big whale balloon.
Whales filled with helium.
Why would a blue whale be useful at a children's party? - Because it's got the largest breath in the world.
- Yes! Because, in one breath, a blue whale could inflate 1,250 balloons.
- Wow.
- OK.
That's a spoilt child I agree.
I take that point, but I'm fairly sure it's never happened.
- No, no.
You're right.
- Yeah, and also, logistically, it would be almost impossible.
Whales live to be very old, as well, don't they? So, I would like one at my birthday party to make me feel both young and slim.
Yes.
Whales aren't particularly slim though, Lucy.
No, but I would, next to a whale Oh, I see, NEXT to a whale.
Yeah, sorry, I'm so stupid.
- I'm not asking for much of a compliment, Stephen! - No, I'm sorry.
LAUGHTER Just, you know? Who has the world's largest love handles - and what do they use them for? - Eric Pickles.
KLAXON BLARES - Oh, dear! - What?! You're joking! You are joking! You see.
Blue whale? - Not the blue whale.
- Sorry, so it's not the blue whale but I'm close? - You are.
- A barnacle.
LAUGHTER Stay with cetaceous creatures.
- Stay with a mammal.
- So, it's a whale, it's a type of whale.
That lives in the sea.
It's a whale.
- It's a whale.
And it begins with a B.
- Blue whale.
- LAUGHTER - Have another look, Stephen, because - I'm pretty sure I got it right.
There are other kinds of whale that begin with a B.
- Bull whale.
- Well, there's the bow head.
- Bull whale.
- Big whale.
Big whale.
- What's the famous and expensive kind of caviar? - Beluga.
- Beluga whale.
- Oh, beluga whale! Beluga whale, yes.
There one is.
Look at it, that one's going, "Hello!" - It's lying on its side.
- "Hello!" "Hello! "I'm a beluga whale, you know!" LAUGHTER "Ayoo!" "This is all I can do!" LAUGHTER He's very chirpy.
They have no dorsal fin and, amazingly "I haven't got a dorsal fin, you know!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "Wo, ho, ho, hooo! "I don't feel the cold! I don't feel it.
" They don't, because of their blubber.
"It's all in the blubber!" And they have midriff blubber, which they can control.
"Feel my love handles, baby! Hello!" They control their love handles with special muscles, so that that's how they move around and that's how they, you know - "That's how I roll.
" - That's how they roll, exactly! Exactly right.
APPLAUSE I had a terrible experience, I was at a cricket match and at a major cricket ground that I won't name, you'll see why in a minute, and I was talking to a woman who was married to a leading cricket executive, who I won't name.
And she wasfull-figured, and we were having the cream tea.
And I said to her, because she was the wife of a major cricket executive, "I bet you've had a few cream teas in your time.
" LOUD GROANING Oh, no! I meant because her husband worked in cricket was what I meant! And not because she was a fat - No, not for a second did I mean that.
- Oh, dear - How did that play out, after that? - Yeah.
I thought I could say, "Not because you're", - then I thought, that's going to make it worse - No, quite.
So, I decided to hold Yes.
- I thought I'd just leave it - Stop digging.
Yeah.
And move somewhere else.
And walk off, because that's the best thing, insult someone about their weight, and then run away immediately.
- But I was - Luckily, cricket is such a fast-moving sport, you weren't stuck there for the day with her.
LAUGHTER Now, if Johnny and Jason got naked, covered their legs LAUGHTER - Wow! - It's pretty good, isn't it? APPLAUSE - I know.
- I can't even see that now.
I can't wait after the show to open wedding gifts together.
Be still, the beating hearts of the nation! If they got naked, covered their legs in lard and put their hands on each other's shoulders, what could we expect to happen next? I would guess, Ofcom would get involved.
- LAUGHTER - Something-com.
Yeah.
It's a red wine that we are about to trample the grapes for that you can also fry with.
LAUGHTER I like the idea that Lancashire wine - Yeah, it's the first kind of sipping lard.
- Frying wine.
- Yes, that's right.
- You can have a glass and do your chips in it also.
Available in every Yates's Wine Lodge.
Ooh.
Yeah.
There'd be a rush, like at Christmas when Jamie Oliver said to use goose fat, except this time they'd be using comedians' dripping.
You'd go, "Do you know what? These potatoes taste a bit funny.
" Twice-fried Johnny dripping.
No, we're in t'North and - You're all right? - Yeah, I'm all right.
You sound like you've swallowed your tongue.
NORTHERN ACCENT: It's a pursuit in the North-West, right.
- It's not shin kicking? - Yes, it is shin kicking.
- Ah.
- You knew about shin kicking.
- I did, my uncle was one.
- Wahey! APPLAUSE Very good.
- Is that a blade? - What ? - Yes, it is.
You stand there and take it in turns to kick each other in the shins as hard as you can.
And it's the first person to burst into Do you know what they cry if they give up? It's rather wonderful.
- You'd think it would be, "I give in" or, "Oh, stop it, no.
" - "Stop it.
" "Go on with your bother!" No.
LAUGHTER - It's - "Stop kicking me shin, you bastard!" It's not that.
They shout, "Sufficient!" LAUGHTER That's the cry.
APPLAUSE Oddly enough, that's my climax call.
Sufficient! LAUGHTER AND GROANS The ability to do two things at once.
We can ask the audience and you, it's easier for the audience because of the way they're sitting down.
All you have to do is revolve your right foot clockwise.
That's easy, isn't it? And then, with your right hand make a six.
Is your foot suddenly going anticlockwise? - Oh, wow! That's weird! - Oh, I don't like that.
- Isn't that extraordinary.
- What was it? What foot? Right foot.
Oh, yeah.
That's weird.
- Right foot clockwise.
- Yeah.
- And then do a 6.
- You have to think about it.
- You really do.
Oh! Oh! LAUGHTER That was instant.
You really have to think about it, to the point where you nearly break your foot off.
LAUGHTER You forget what's clockwise.
You start going up and down and not Argh, argh, no, no! I'm absolutely fighting it! - You're in agony.
- But I couldn't do the 6, I couldn't finish the 6.
I just did a C.
Yes.
Exactly.
It's a bitch, isn't it? It's really fascinating.
I'll remember that one.
People say, "What do you remember from QI?" - And I remember nothing! - Even if you watch your foot.
- Yeah.
- This is, I mean, this isn't great television, what I'm doing at this moment.
You can raise your foot, put your foot on the desk if you want to.
Right, so, glad I wore my natty socks today.
Yeah, they've very natty.
LAUGHTER Argh! Now what is the name for people having jobs that come after their names.
So, if you were a baker, say.
Yes, exactly.
I don't know the term.
- My dad was a clerk.
- And your dad, exactly, that would do it.
- Yeah.
It's called nominative determinism.
It's called nominative or onomastic determinism, because you're determined by your name.
I've always been interested by this, because there was a family many years ago and they were called the Gauntlets.
And they christened their son Victor.
- I knew Victor, he ran Aston Martin.
- Exactly.
He was DESTINED to run Aston Martin, simply because his parents had christened him Victor.
If they'd called him Stan, he would have been a plumber.
You see it all the time, where somebody called Fotherington Major Fortescue, has always got a sandwich shop in Fulham.
Whereas somebody called Ron Twat is a builder from somewhere.
And it's very simple names tend to, it's, and it does - I know Ron Twat.
- Do you? Bloody good builder.
Surely Ron Twat should be a gynaecologist, surely that's Now, you can see LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Ron Twat This is a thing that's happened to me.
- I'll share, cos I'm amongst friends.
- All right.
I went to the doctor, had terrible, like, - it was almost like welts, in a sort of a - Did you say "whelks"? - Welts.
- Welts.
Not whelks.
- It was a red No, welts with a T, not with a K.
I thought you said whelks, as in cockles and There was, you know, whelks, I was bothered by Cockneys! All the time I had chimney sweeps around me, I was batting them off.
Feed the birds! - Went to the doctor, and I thought I've got some sort of.
.
- HE MOUTHS "Sexually transmitted disease.
" Went into the doctor, he went, "Pants are too tight.
" - That's what he said.
- LAUGHTER So, you were kidding yourself that you were a medium and in fact, you were an extra-extra large.
I've done it, I've been there.
Yeah.
And you do get welts, you get awful webbing marks, you get - "Webbing"? - Yeah, the, you know, the webbing of the You need to just loosen that banana hammock and let it fly.
I got the larger I went for the larger pant, - and since, trouble-free.
- It's been simple.
Yeah, I know.
What a wonderful thing.
So, there you are.
LAUGHTER Now, suggest some lethal uses for a laptop.
Oh, some lethal Smart bombs, guiding smart bombs? - Yeah.
- Drones.
Hitting people over the head.
"Dammit, Chloe!" Yeah.
Yeah.
That was like he was in the room! Thank you.
I just happen to have been working with him, that's all - Oh.
- Oh, please.
- Is he nice? Please, tell me he's nice.
He's an incredibly nice guy.
He really is, everyone adores him on the set.
- Kiefer, - this is.
- Kiefer.
- Kiefer, yeah.
- Kiefer.
- Kiefer.
- Oh, Kiefer! Oh, yes! - Yeah.
Anyway - (What's he talking about?) - He's always on laptops.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- My favourite one is when he talks about - 24.
- Oh, 24, oh! - When he talks about parabollocks.
That was - Parabolics! - "Where are the parabolics?" I'm like, "Are you saying 'pair of bollocks'?" That's how it sounds.
really over-the-top London though, like, - "Chloe, I forgot my Oyster card! - LAUGHTER It is all shot in London.
"I'm at Spitting Fields!" "There are engineering works! "I'm on a bus replacement service! "Follow me on the satellite! "The driver hasn't got a clue where he's going! "What's the best way from Kensal Rise to Ladbroke Grove?! "You can't use the Harrow Road!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE How did the ladybird get its spots? Did it use to not have spots, then? Is that what you're saying? Well, no, it's not really those spots, it's other kinds of spots that it gets.
Their life is one not one, long sexual orgy, but they are very highly sexed creatures.
They're beetles, the order of Coleoptera Is that like notches on their bed post? Is that what that is? Like, "Look how many I've had.
" Not those spots.
They shag so thoroughly, energetically.
- "Thoroughly"? - Yeah.
I love a good thorough one! - Oh, yeah - I do, I love it.
- "What shall we do this evening? "Oh, it'll be thorough tonight, love.
I tell you.
" - Oh, good, I like them! - "No stone will be unturned.
"Every nook and cranny will be catered" I love that you call them stones.
"How was it for you, darling?" "Thorough.
" LAUGHTER In May In May up to 50% of all ladybirds will be at it.
And they'll be at it for a long, long time.
The males don't really mind what they shag, I mean, they'll get on another male, and then, they'll get on a dead female.
Some of them can orgasm quite extraordinarily.
I'll give the details, it's impressive.
LAUGHTER Yeah.
They have nine-hour mating sessions.
A ladybird orgasm can be 30 minutes long.
- Standard.
- Yeah.
And they can have several in one of their nine-hour long mating sessions.
So, they have several Is that nine hours straight, or do they stop for snacks? No, as I said, not only straight, sometimes it's on a male.
Oh, straight in that sense, yes.
No, they might stop for snacks.
Stop for an aphid.
But because of this, they are riddled with sexually transmitted diseases, I'm afraid, which can make them sterile, and they get lice and spots.
You see.
Other spots.
If they can't tell the sex of other ladybirds, but I guess, it is, yeah.
But the male is called a ladybird, too.
- Yes, it's confusing, I know.
- It's not called a manbird.
- No, it should be.
Or a gentlemanbird.
- A gentlemanbird.
Well, no wonder they're confused.
Well, exactly.
So if one ladybird, like a male ladybird gets on another male ladybird, does the first one after a bit just go, "Oh, sorry, mate.
" I think so, yeah.
They do, yeah.
Or are there, are there gay ladybirds that just love it? - Gay-dybirds! - Gay-dybirds.
- Brilliant.
APPLAUSE Now, what suggestions do you have for the last line of this limerick? There was an old person of Chile Whose conduct was painful and silly He sat on the stairs Eating apples and pears Firing pips out of his willy.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Very good.
I don't think that can be improved upon.
It certainly wasn't improved upon by the author of that limerick, - who was? The best - George Orwell.
- Edward Lear.
Eric Blair.
Eric Blair.
- Was it a Lear? Edward Lear, as Victoria rightly said, popularised the form, but he had one fatal flaw in his limerick writing, - which was, do you know? - He didn't know the word "willy".
- Was the last line the same as the first? - More or less the same.
- Is it, "That boring old person of Chile?" - Basically it is.
Yeah, as you will see, it is "That imprudent old person of Chile.
" I think you'll all agree that Alan's version is a lot better.
Yeah, firing pips out of the willy is a lot funnier than that.
Yes.
That's exactly what I mean.
On the other hand, less Victorian, he was sort of around the latter half of the 19th century.
- That is an entirely pointless thing to write down.
- It is.
- It's not painful and silly, , to be imprudent.
- No.
- It's painful and silly to put the pips in your willy - It is.
And fire them out.
LAUGHTER I think we're all with you, Alan.
But he hasn't thought of a painful and silly thing to do He hasn't thought it through.
.
.
that's related to apples and pears and being on the stairs, he just says he's imprudent.
But there's nothing in that There's nothing imprudent in the previous four lines.
There are other versions you might be able to finish.
There was an Old Man with a gong LAUGHTER Who bumped at it all day long But they called out, "O law! You're a horrid old bore!" "Pull up your trousers, you're doing it wrong.
" LAUGHTER What, so it's going to be "You're a horrible old bore, "you silly Old Man with a gong.
" - Basically, yeah.
- This guy's shit.
- He is! - LAUGHTER - You can see his original.
- These are like Lil Wayne lyrics.
"So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
" - They smashed him with the gong?! - Yeah.
Why did they do that?! Because he was a horrid old bore.
- Well, just take the gong away, there's no need to - Yeah.
Once you've got the gong from the old man, the problem's solved.
He's not going to annoy you with the gong any more.
There's no point To smash him with the gong is a greater crime than to hit the gong regardless of whether he does it all day long.
Also, move away, go out of earshot where you can't hear the gong.
- There's no excuse for assaulting.
- Your outrage is commendable.
Well, let's try another one.
There was a Young Lady of Poole Whose soup was excessively cool So she put it to boil By the aid of some oil "It was a recipe from Heston Blumentool.
" Hey! APPLAUSE Very good.
Could you pass that to Jimmy? - Jimmy, open your present, it's very exciting.
- OK.
It's actually rather a traditional present for a young person to get at Christmas, or at least was in my generation, - it probably isn't any more.
- Thank you.
A young person - seems like a stretch now, I'm 41.
- Yeah, yeah.
The only way I'm young now is if I die.
Or compared to me, yes, that's true.
- Yeah, that - Now - Well, you And what I'm going to ask you to do is stand up, on a box, or at least as high as you can.
- Well, I mean - Now, you see, that Well, I didn't get you anything and I think my gift's better.
No, don't.
You know the principle of siphoning liquid, where you put a tube into a petrol tank and you slightly suck and then it's got to be higher than the bucket that you siphon into.
- Sure.
- You can siphon a chain.
So stand as high as you can.
- And you see there's an end coming out of the beaker.
- As high as I can, hang on.
- Out of the cup.
- Shall I go on the desk? - If you feel comfortable on the desk, that's great.
Yeah, why not, why not? And if you could just jerk out the leading - LAUGHTER - Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it! - What do you need me to do? - Now, I'm disappointed.
- Stephen, tell me what you need me to do.
- Pull yourselves together.
- Jerk it out.
- Just jerk it out? - Yeah.
- Just jerk it out of the top.
- Jerk it out.
- You'll see a rather astonishing effect.
- It seems to defy gravity, in the words of Wicked.
- Jerk that out.
Yeah, out, up and down.
And as high as you can.
Oh! Wow! Woh! Look at that, that's amazing! CHAIN RATTLES Dude! ALL EXCLAIM Wait a minute, it's going up, it's going up, it's going up.
- Oh my - Oooh! That is just - Oh, it's magic! Whoo! Hey! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That was fantastic.
Right, to get you in the mood, here are some foods for you to try.
- You should have some on your, on your little prop tables.
- Ooh.
You've got chocolates there, Josh, you've got a potato, Alan.
LAUGHTER - What have you got, Tony? - Well, I don't - Oh, champagne! It looks like champagne.
It could be anything.
Probably Cava, knowing our budget.
You could have had a wee in here for all I know.
You wouldn't want it to fizz though, would you? No, you wouldn't though.
Put your finger on top to stop it overflowing.
That's what I always do on the loo.
Yes, it is.
- I think it's fresh and edible if you want to eat it.
- Well, I hope it's fresh.
Drop it in the champagne, it's quite delicious in champagne.
- Oh, am I allowed? - I'm allergic to champagne, literally - Are you? - Yeah.
I can't drink it.
- Oh, darling, it must be simply terrible for you.
- It's not.
LAUGHTER Christopher Hitchens rather wonderfully said, "The four most overrated things in the world are lobster, champagne, "anal sex and picnics.
" LAUGHTER But you don't like champagne.
What a night that would be! LAUGHTER Anyway, so by all means eat yours.
But what do you think they have to do with our theme? Chocolate - They're sexy foods.
- Yes.
- Aphrodisiacs.
- Aphrodisiacs.
Aphrodisiacs, they're considered to be aphrodisiacs.
Oysters have long been considered it.
Potato? Yes, Alan, a thousand times, yes.
LAUGHTER Well, do have a piece of chocolate.
Do sip your champagne.
And do, by all means, have your oyster.
I mean, I do love oysters, but one time I did get poisoning on a Valentine's Day CRUNCHING - On Valentine's Day, as well? - Oh! - Oh, don't! Are you eating your potato raw? - Is that allowed? LAUGHTER Oh, oh.
OK, here she goes, here she goes, oyster down.
- It's bigger than I'm used to.
- Hey! SHE SWALLOWS - How? - Really nice.
I'm definitely going to tape this episode, I can tell you that.
- Try your chocolate, I think - Oh, they're very nice.
- That was delicious.
- It might have rose petals or violets.
- Are you all right, Alan? - I feel horny.
- Look out, Josh! LAUGHTER It's worked, bloody hell, two bites! LAUGHTER Perhaps the most impressive invention in recent times, for your lavatorial wants The helicopter.
Well, the Gotta Go Briefcase, it's Japanese, of course.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER That is great! How much better do you get than that? It's just simply superb.
It's got everything you could possibly want, including a newspaper to leaf through if your easement is taking a bit of time.
I've always felt really sad when I leave a toilet, like, "Oh, we've become such good friends.
I wish I could just pack it up and carry it away.
" - Yeah.
- Now I can! - It's got a generously equipped sealing lid.
You can quietly and discreetly go about your personal business anywhere you please, with a fold-out leather privacy panel, which tucks away neatly to the side.
Yeah, it looks like it hides you completely, that panel(!) "What's that suitcase just sitting there?" LAUGHTER - It's got a vanity mirror.
- I like the leather finish! Yeah, refillable hand-sanitising dispenser.
Maximum weight capacity is 80 kilos.
"Exceeding the recommended weight will void all warranties.
" - 80 kilos?! - Yeah.
- 80 kilos.
- "And may result in" Are you going to get an elephant to shit in it?! I know.
But it is quite heavy.
How are you going to get I weigh less than 80 kilos.
It does seem extraordinary.
I know.
I really need to get the I'm going to exceed the limit! LAUGHTER "It may result in rupture of waste tank, "possible bacteria contamination of briefcase contents "and massive stench.
" So, you don't want to do that.
I'm assuming you haven't emptied it for a year.
Presumably, you would have two suitcases when you turned up to meetings.
And everyone would be like, "Derek, why have you got two suitcases?" "No reason.
" And then he'd just hide behind the leather panel.
If you accidentally went, I've been through the figures and Oops! LAUGHTER Massive stench! Massive stench! - Oh, dear.
- "How is the meeting going?" "Oh, it was going fine until I got the bog out.
" Alternatively, you go the other way, "Thanks for letting me use your toilet briefcase.
" "Oh, I don't have a toilet briefcase.
" I ought to say that the 80 kilos includes the person sitting on it.
- So I think I would - Oh, right.
- I would break it, - I've a horrible feeling.
- Maybe they That changes everything.
LAUGHTER - I'm going to make a lava lamp - Have you got one? .
.
for your edification, pleasure and entertainment.
I have here a little tube, this is actually a tube that usually contains tennis balls, and this is a mixture of vegetable oil and water.
And I have here a little syringe.
Quite hard to mix, by the way, those two things.
- Yeah, they are, because - They separate, don't they, David? - Yeah.
- Yes.
LAUGHTER Hello? So, you pump the colour in.
And I'm going to use Alka-Seltzer or any effervescent hang-over cure pill will do.
- And I - Are you going to say, "Don't try this at home"? Well, you can, actually.
Honestly, it's not going to explode.
And cue light.
- Was this how they - Wahey! There we go.
Pop it on.
- And then, as the - Oh, it's a beautiful thing.
.
.
effervescent works, it begins, yeah, there we are, beginning to get the effect.
And you've, there we are, the colour's now beginning to come into it.
And you're getting a sort of lava lamp there, obviously, professionally they're made more permanent.
A lava lamp, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE But you've all got the equipment, as it were, so you can make one yourselves.
- Oh, so exciting.
- Aren't you lucky? - Yeah.
- It's so exciting.
- We've begun with a thrilling excitement.
- Put this in first.
- What do we do with that? - We inject colour in.
You've all got different colours to make it thrilling.
Don't put too much of the effervescent hangover cure - Oh, Jesus.
- Oh, I put all of it in.
- Did you? Oh, no.
Did you? It's a slightly manic lava lamp, it's sort of Don't put too many pills in.
- Just put a little of the - No, put loads in, it's brilliant.
Yeah, just a little, just put a little in, yeah.
Look at that, man! - Look at your bullshit lava lamp.
- Mine has dried.
LAUGHTER - Ours is so brilliant.
Look at that! - Won't it explode now? - Hopefully.
- I can No, no, you don't! - No! - You're no fun.
Stick another one in, ours has gone mental.
I'm a responsible adult, there has to be one on this programme.
- Look at all the little balls.
- I've got rather oily This reminds me so much of school, when you said, "Don't put all the Alka-Seltzer in," and then Alan said, "We're putting it all in," as a result.
And I've gone along with him, and now I'm frightened.
You're the one in trouble.
LAUGHTER ALL YELP LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE going to blow? - Sir?! Sir?! - Sir, sir! Sir! - All right.
- Sir! Sir! Sir! - All right.
- You wanted it to explode.
Sir did it, sir did it! - David Mitchell, you made me laugh.
- I can smell something.
- Sir, can we all do that, sir? - You made me laugh, David.
- He was laughing at my colour.
- I've told you before You're in trouble! It's not funny, there's nothing funny about making people laugh.
LAUGHTER Oh, hang on, there may be.
But dear, oh, dear, I've got oily hands.
Mitchell's taken the lid off, sir, it's not sealed.
This is not how it was supposed to happen at all.
LAUGHTER I love how broad Stephen's remit is! LAUGHTER The industrial CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's terrible.
And we all know why Alan has industrial-strength tissues.
LAUGHTER
Now, what does the loneliest whale in the world sound like? HE WARBLES HE CONTINUES HE SHRIEKS Somebody feed him! It's not even close.
I don't know what that sounded like, I never want to hear it ever again.
Your wife is a very lucky woman.
Do you know that? Yeah, this particular whale, there's one, we don't actually know what species it is, because no-one's found it, but people have heard it.
And it's very unusual because it's the highest-pitched whale that's ever been recorded by hydrophones, the microphones you pop down into the depths.
But how do they know that it's lonely? - Because it's never been answered.
- Ah.
But maybe it just likes spending time on its own.
It might do, there are theories.
Maybe it's like singing in your kitchen in your nightie? Also, how do we know, if we've never seen it, how do we know that it IS a whale? It might be a couple of dolphins mucking about with a big shell.
- Just - HE WARBLES "They're coming, they're coming!" "No, nothing.
No.
" There's a whale over there I think, but, then HE WARBLES - No, I think - That's the shell.
- That's the shell.
- It's a conch.
Ooh! Ooh! - I didn't think "conch" when you did that.
- Oh, dear! - Are you suggesting that I'm - I'm not suggesting anything.
Are you suggesting I'm somehow pleasuring a whale?! LAUGHTER No.
The sperm whale's penis is about three metres long.
Yeah, you'd need a bigger mouth than even you have got.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE LAUGHTER - Isn't it great how we're all so keen to be involved? - Absolutely.
- I'll have a go at that! I'll have a go! - Hang on a second, if we're all getting involved, I'll start here, have it all the way along the front.
Here, you hold it like that, right, and then.
- Right, here you go.
- LAUGHTER - Right, there we go, there we go! - THUDDING AND LAUGHTER Heave ho! Heave ho! It's going to blow! Oh, dear, dear, dear A whale at a birthday party? - Well, they take up a lot of room, you'd need a big hall.
- Yeah.
I think you're getting there.
Yeah.
That's good encouragement, thanks, Richard.
That's OK.
Think it would be fun for the kids to get inside, couldn't they, - play around.
- True.
- Bouncy castle.
- "Bouncy arsehole", did you say? - No! LAUGHTER I didn't, but by all means Oh, "bouncy castle".
- Bouncy castle.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, I see what you mean, yeah.
UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGHTER "Yeah, I'd like to hire a bouncy arsehole, if I may?" LAUGHTER Oops.
No.
List things that you need for children's parties.
- Well, my kids - Cake, and I was thinking candles.
- Yeah.
- Candles is one.
- Right, cake - Pass the parcel.
- Pass the parcel.
- Balloons.
- Yes! - Balloons! - Balloons.
- A big whale balloon.
Whales filled with helium.
Why would a blue whale be useful at a children's party? - Because it's got the largest breath in the world.
- Yes! Because, in one breath, a blue whale could inflate 1,250 balloons.
- Wow.
- OK.
That's a spoilt child I agree.
I take that point, but I'm fairly sure it's never happened.
- No, no.
You're right.
- Yeah, and also, logistically, it would be almost impossible.
Whales live to be very old, as well, don't they? So, I would like one at my birthday party to make me feel both young and slim.
Yes.
Whales aren't particularly slim though, Lucy.
No, but I would, next to a whale Oh, I see, NEXT to a whale.
Yeah, sorry, I'm so stupid.
- I'm not asking for much of a compliment, Stephen! - No, I'm sorry.
LAUGHTER Just, you know? Who has the world's largest love handles - and what do they use them for? - Eric Pickles.
KLAXON BLARES - Oh, dear! - What?! You're joking! You are joking! You see.
Blue whale? - Not the blue whale.
- Sorry, so it's not the blue whale but I'm close? - You are.
- A barnacle.
LAUGHTER Stay with cetaceous creatures.
- Stay with a mammal.
- So, it's a whale, it's a type of whale.
That lives in the sea.
It's a whale.
- It's a whale.
And it begins with a B.
- Blue whale.
- LAUGHTER - Have another look, Stephen, because - I'm pretty sure I got it right.
There are other kinds of whale that begin with a B.
- Bull whale.
- Well, there's the bow head.
- Bull whale.
- Big whale.
Big whale.
- What's the famous and expensive kind of caviar? - Beluga.
- Beluga whale.
- Oh, beluga whale! Beluga whale, yes.
There one is.
Look at it, that one's going, "Hello!" - It's lying on its side.
- "Hello!" "Hello! "I'm a beluga whale, you know!" LAUGHTER "Ayoo!" "This is all I can do!" LAUGHTER He's very chirpy.
They have no dorsal fin and, amazingly "I haven't got a dorsal fin, you know!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "Wo, ho, ho, hooo! "I don't feel the cold! I don't feel it.
" They don't, because of their blubber.
"It's all in the blubber!" And they have midriff blubber, which they can control.
"Feel my love handles, baby! Hello!" They control their love handles with special muscles, so that that's how they move around and that's how they, you know - "That's how I roll.
" - That's how they roll, exactly! Exactly right.
APPLAUSE I had a terrible experience, I was at a cricket match and at a major cricket ground that I won't name, you'll see why in a minute, and I was talking to a woman who was married to a leading cricket executive, who I won't name.
And she wasfull-figured, and we were having the cream tea.
And I said to her, because she was the wife of a major cricket executive, "I bet you've had a few cream teas in your time.
" LOUD GROANING Oh, no! I meant because her husband worked in cricket was what I meant! And not because she was a fat - No, not for a second did I mean that.
- Oh, dear - How did that play out, after that? - Yeah.
I thought I could say, "Not because you're", - then I thought, that's going to make it worse - No, quite.
So, I decided to hold Yes.
- I thought I'd just leave it - Stop digging.
Yeah.
And move somewhere else.
And walk off, because that's the best thing, insult someone about their weight, and then run away immediately.
- But I was - Luckily, cricket is such a fast-moving sport, you weren't stuck there for the day with her.
LAUGHTER Now, if Johnny and Jason got naked, covered their legs LAUGHTER - Wow! - It's pretty good, isn't it? APPLAUSE - I know.
- I can't even see that now.
I can't wait after the show to open wedding gifts together.
Be still, the beating hearts of the nation! If they got naked, covered their legs in lard and put their hands on each other's shoulders, what could we expect to happen next? I would guess, Ofcom would get involved.
- LAUGHTER - Something-com.
Yeah.
It's a red wine that we are about to trample the grapes for that you can also fry with.
LAUGHTER I like the idea that Lancashire wine - Yeah, it's the first kind of sipping lard.
- Frying wine.
- Yes, that's right.
- You can have a glass and do your chips in it also.
Available in every Yates's Wine Lodge.
Ooh.
Yeah.
There'd be a rush, like at Christmas when Jamie Oliver said to use goose fat, except this time they'd be using comedians' dripping.
You'd go, "Do you know what? These potatoes taste a bit funny.
" Twice-fried Johnny dripping.
No, we're in t'North and - You're all right? - Yeah, I'm all right.
You sound like you've swallowed your tongue.
NORTHERN ACCENT: It's a pursuit in the North-West, right.
- It's not shin kicking? - Yes, it is shin kicking.
- Ah.
- You knew about shin kicking.
- I did, my uncle was one.
- Wahey! APPLAUSE Very good.
- Is that a blade? - What ? - Yes, it is.
You stand there and take it in turns to kick each other in the shins as hard as you can.
And it's the first person to burst into Do you know what they cry if they give up? It's rather wonderful.
- You'd think it would be, "I give in" or, "Oh, stop it, no.
" - "Stop it.
" "Go on with your bother!" No.
LAUGHTER - It's - "Stop kicking me shin, you bastard!" It's not that.
They shout, "Sufficient!" LAUGHTER That's the cry.
APPLAUSE Oddly enough, that's my climax call.
Sufficient! LAUGHTER AND GROANS The ability to do two things at once.
We can ask the audience and you, it's easier for the audience because of the way they're sitting down.
All you have to do is revolve your right foot clockwise.
That's easy, isn't it? And then, with your right hand make a six.
Is your foot suddenly going anticlockwise? - Oh, wow! That's weird! - Oh, I don't like that.
- Isn't that extraordinary.
- What was it? What foot? Right foot.
Oh, yeah.
That's weird.
- Right foot clockwise.
- Yeah.
- And then do a 6.
- You have to think about it.
- You really do.
Oh! Oh! LAUGHTER That was instant.
You really have to think about it, to the point where you nearly break your foot off.
LAUGHTER You forget what's clockwise.
You start going up and down and not Argh, argh, no, no! I'm absolutely fighting it! - You're in agony.
- But I couldn't do the 6, I couldn't finish the 6.
I just did a C.
Yes.
Exactly.
It's a bitch, isn't it? It's really fascinating.
I'll remember that one.
People say, "What do you remember from QI?" - And I remember nothing! - Even if you watch your foot.
- Yeah.
- This is, I mean, this isn't great television, what I'm doing at this moment.
You can raise your foot, put your foot on the desk if you want to.
Right, so, glad I wore my natty socks today.
Yeah, they've very natty.
LAUGHTER Argh! Now what is the name for people having jobs that come after their names.
So, if you were a baker, say.
Yes, exactly.
I don't know the term.
- My dad was a clerk.
- And your dad, exactly, that would do it.
- Yeah.
It's called nominative determinism.
It's called nominative or onomastic determinism, because you're determined by your name.
I've always been interested by this, because there was a family many years ago and they were called the Gauntlets.
And they christened their son Victor.
- I knew Victor, he ran Aston Martin.
- Exactly.
He was DESTINED to run Aston Martin, simply because his parents had christened him Victor.
If they'd called him Stan, he would have been a plumber.
You see it all the time, where somebody called Fotherington Major Fortescue, has always got a sandwich shop in Fulham.
Whereas somebody called Ron Twat is a builder from somewhere.
And it's very simple names tend to, it's, and it does - I know Ron Twat.
- Do you? Bloody good builder.
Surely Ron Twat should be a gynaecologist, surely that's Now, you can see LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Ron Twat This is a thing that's happened to me.
- I'll share, cos I'm amongst friends.
- All right.
I went to the doctor, had terrible, like, - it was almost like welts, in a sort of a - Did you say "whelks"? - Welts.
- Welts.
Not whelks.
- It was a red No, welts with a T, not with a K.
I thought you said whelks, as in cockles and There was, you know, whelks, I was bothered by Cockneys! All the time I had chimney sweeps around me, I was batting them off.
Feed the birds! - Went to the doctor, and I thought I've got some sort of.
.
- HE MOUTHS "Sexually transmitted disease.
" Went into the doctor, he went, "Pants are too tight.
" - That's what he said.
- LAUGHTER So, you were kidding yourself that you were a medium and in fact, you were an extra-extra large.
I've done it, I've been there.
Yeah.
And you do get welts, you get awful webbing marks, you get - "Webbing"? - Yeah, the, you know, the webbing of the You need to just loosen that banana hammock and let it fly.
I got the larger I went for the larger pant, - and since, trouble-free.
- It's been simple.
Yeah, I know.
What a wonderful thing.
So, there you are.
LAUGHTER Now, suggest some lethal uses for a laptop.
Oh, some lethal Smart bombs, guiding smart bombs? - Yeah.
- Drones.
Hitting people over the head.
"Dammit, Chloe!" Yeah.
Yeah.
That was like he was in the room! Thank you.
I just happen to have been working with him, that's all - Oh.
- Oh, please.
- Is he nice? Please, tell me he's nice.
He's an incredibly nice guy.
He really is, everyone adores him on the set.
- Kiefer, - this is.
- Kiefer.
- Kiefer, yeah.
- Kiefer.
- Kiefer.
- Oh, Kiefer! Oh, yes! - Yeah.
Anyway - (What's he talking about?) - He's always on laptops.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- My favourite one is when he talks about - 24.
- Oh, 24, oh! - When he talks about parabollocks.
That was - Parabolics! - "Where are the parabolics?" I'm like, "Are you saying 'pair of bollocks'?" That's how it sounds.
really over-the-top London though, like, - "Chloe, I forgot my Oyster card! - LAUGHTER It is all shot in London.
"I'm at Spitting Fields!" "There are engineering works! "I'm on a bus replacement service! "Follow me on the satellite! "The driver hasn't got a clue where he's going! "What's the best way from Kensal Rise to Ladbroke Grove?! "You can't use the Harrow Road!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE How did the ladybird get its spots? Did it use to not have spots, then? Is that what you're saying? Well, no, it's not really those spots, it's other kinds of spots that it gets.
Their life is one not one, long sexual orgy, but they are very highly sexed creatures.
They're beetles, the order of Coleoptera Is that like notches on their bed post? Is that what that is? Like, "Look how many I've had.
" Not those spots.
They shag so thoroughly, energetically.
- "Thoroughly"? - Yeah.
I love a good thorough one! - Oh, yeah - I do, I love it.
- "What shall we do this evening? "Oh, it'll be thorough tonight, love.
I tell you.
" - Oh, good, I like them! - "No stone will be unturned.
"Every nook and cranny will be catered" I love that you call them stones.
"How was it for you, darling?" "Thorough.
" LAUGHTER In May In May up to 50% of all ladybirds will be at it.
And they'll be at it for a long, long time.
The males don't really mind what they shag, I mean, they'll get on another male, and then, they'll get on a dead female.
Some of them can orgasm quite extraordinarily.
I'll give the details, it's impressive.
LAUGHTER Yeah.
They have nine-hour mating sessions.
A ladybird orgasm can be 30 minutes long.
- Standard.
- Yeah.
And they can have several in one of their nine-hour long mating sessions.
So, they have several Is that nine hours straight, or do they stop for snacks? No, as I said, not only straight, sometimes it's on a male.
Oh, straight in that sense, yes.
No, they might stop for snacks.
Stop for an aphid.
But because of this, they are riddled with sexually transmitted diseases, I'm afraid, which can make them sterile, and they get lice and spots.
You see.
Other spots.
If they can't tell the sex of other ladybirds, but I guess, it is, yeah.
But the male is called a ladybird, too.
- Yes, it's confusing, I know.
- It's not called a manbird.
- No, it should be.
Or a gentlemanbird.
- A gentlemanbird.
Well, no wonder they're confused.
Well, exactly.
So if one ladybird, like a male ladybird gets on another male ladybird, does the first one after a bit just go, "Oh, sorry, mate.
" I think so, yeah.
They do, yeah.
Or are there, are there gay ladybirds that just love it? - Gay-dybirds! - Gay-dybirds.
- Brilliant.
APPLAUSE Now, what suggestions do you have for the last line of this limerick? There was an old person of Chile Whose conduct was painful and silly He sat on the stairs Eating apples and pears Firing pips out of his willy.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Very good.
I don't think that can be improved upon.
It certainly wasn't improved upon by the author of that limerick, - who was? The best - George Orwell.
- Edward Lear.
Eric Blair.
Eric Blair.
- Was it a Lear? Edward Lear, as Victoria rightly said, popularised the form, but he had one fatal flaw in his limerick writing, - which was, do you know? - He didn't know the word "willy".
- Was the last line the same as the first? - More or less the same.
- Is it, "That boring old person of Chile?" - Basically it is.
Yeah, as you will see, it is "That imprudent old person of Chile.
" I think you'll all agree that Alan's version is a lot better.
Yeah, firing pips out of the willy is a lot funnier than that.
Yes.
That's exactly what I mean.
On the other hand, less Victorian, he was sort of around the latter half of the 19th century.
- That is an entirely pointless thing to write down.
- It is.
- It's not painful and silly, , to be imprudent.
- No.
- It's painful and silly to put the pips in your willy - It is.
And fire them out.
LAUGHTER I think we're all with you, Alan.
But he hasn't thought of a painful and silly thing to do He hasn't thought it through.
.
.
that's related to apples and pears and being on the stairs, he just says he's imprudent.
But there's nothing in that There's nothing imprudent in the previous four lines.
There are other versions you might be able to finish.
There was an Old Man with a gong LAUGHTER Who bumped at it all day long But they called out, "O law! You're a horrid old bore!" "Pull up your trousers, you're doing it wrong.
" LAUGHTER What, so it's going to be "You're a horrible old bore, "you silly Old Man with a gong.
" - Basically, yeah.
- This guy's shit.
- He is! - LAUGHTER - You can see his original.
- These are like Lil Wayne lyrics.
"So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
" - They smashed him with the gong?! - Yeah.
Why did they do that?! Because he was a horrid old bore.
- Well, just take the gong away, there's no need to - Yeah.
Once you've got the gong from the old man, the problem's solved.
He's not going to annoy you with the gong any more.
There's no point To smash him with the gong is a greater crime than to hit the gong regardless of whether he does it all day long.
Also, move away, go out of earshot where you can't hear the gong.
- There's no excuse for assaulting.
- Your outrage is commendable.
Well, let's try another one.
There was a Young Lady of Poole Whose soup was excessively cool So she put it to boil By the aid of some oil "It was a recipe from Heston Blumentool.
" Hey! APPLAUSE Very good.
Could you pass that to Jimmy? - Jimmy, open your present, it's very exciting.
- OK.
It's actually rather a traditional present for a young person to get at Christmas, or at least was in my generation, - it probably isn't any more.
- Thank you.
A young person - seems like a stretch now, I'm 41.
- Yeah, yeah.
The only way I'm young now is if I die.
Or compared to me, yes, that's true.
- Yeah, that - Now - Well, you And what I'm going to ask you to do is stand up, on a box, or at least as high as you can.
- Well, I mean - Now, you see, that Well, I didn't get you anything and I think my gift's better.
No, don't.
You know the principle of siphoning liquid, where you put a tube into a petrol tank and you slightly suck and then it's got to be higher than the bucket that you siphon into.
- Sure.
- You can siphon a chain.
So stand as high as you can.
- And you see there's an end coming out of the beaker.
- As high as I can, hang on.
- Out of the cup.
- Shall I go on the desk? - If you feel comfortable on the desk, that's great.
Yeah, why not, why not? And if you could just jerk out the leading - LAUGHTER - Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it! - What do you need me to do? - Now, I'm disappointed.
- Stephen, tell me what you need me to do.
- Pull yourselves together.
- Jerk it out.
- Just jerk it out? - Yeah.
- Just jerk it out of the top.
- Jerk it out.
- You'll see a rather astonishing effect.
- It seems to defy gravity, in the words of Wicked.
- Jerk that out.
Yeah, out, up and down.
And as high as you can.
Oh! Wow! Woh! Look at that, that's amazing! CHAIN RATTLES Dude! ALL EXCLAIM Wait a minute, it's going up, it's going up, it's going up.
- Oh my - Oooh! That is just - Oh, it's magic! Whoo! Hey! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That was fantastic.
Right, to get you in the mood, here are some foods for you to try.
- You should have some on your, on your little prop tables.
- Ooh.
You've got chocolates there, Josh, you've got a potato, Alan.
LAUGHTER - What have you got, Tony? - Well, I don't - Oh, champagne! It looks like champagne.
It could be anything.
Probably Cava, knowing our budget.
You could have had a wee in here for all I know.
You wouldn't want it to fizz though, would you? No, you wouldn't though.
Put your finger on top to stop it overflowing.
That's what I always do on the loo.
Yes, it is.
- I think it's fresh and edible if you want to eat it.
- Well, I hope it's fresh.
Drop it in the champagne, it's quite delicious in champagne.
- Oh, am I allowed? - I'm allergic to champagne, literally - Are you? - Yeah.
I can't drink it.
- Oh, darling, it must be simply terrible for you.
- It's not.
LAUGHTER Christopher Hitchens rather wonderfully said, "The four most overrated things in the world are lobster, champagne, "anal sex and picnics.
" LAUGHTER But you don't like champagne.
What a night that would be! LAUGHTER Anyway, so by all means eat yours.
But what do you think they have to do with our theme? Chocolate - They're sexy foods.
- Yes.
- Aphrodisiacs.
- Aphrodisiacs.
Aphrodisiacs, they're considered to be aphrodisiacs.
Oysters have long been considered it.
Potato? Yes, Alan, a thousand times, yes.
LAUGHTER Well, do have a piece of chocolate.
Do sip your champagne.
And do, by all means, have your oyster.
I mean, I do love oysters, but one time I did get poisoning on a Valentine's Day CRUNCHING - On Valentine's Day, as well? - Oh! - Oh, don't! Are you eating your potato raw? - Is that allowed? LAUGHTER Oh, oh.
OK, here she goes, here she goes, oyster down.
- It's bigger than I'm used to.
- Hey! SHE SWALLOWS - How? - Really nice.
I'm definitely going to tape this episode, I can tell you that.
- Try your chocolate, I think - Oh, they're very nice.
- That was delicious.
- It might have rose petals or violets.
- Are you all right, Alan? - I feel horny.
- Look out, Josh! LAUGHTER It's worked, bloody hell, two bites! LAUGHTER Perhaps the most impressive invention in recent times, for your lavatorial wants The helicopter.
Well, the Gotta Go Briefcase, it's Japanese, of course.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER That is great! How much better do you get than that? It's just simply superb.
It's got everything you could possibly want, including a newspaper to leaf through if your easement is taking a bit of time.
I've always felt really sad when I leave a toilet, like, "Oh, we've become such good friends.
I wish I could just pack it up and carry it away.
" - Yeah.
- Now I can! - It's got a generously equipped sealing lid.
You can quietly and discreetly go about your personal business anywhere you please, with a fold-out leather privacy panel, which tucks away neatly to the side.
Yeah, it looks like it hides you completely, that panel(!) "What's that suitcase just sitting there?" LAUGHTER - It's got a vanity mirror.
- I like the leather finish! Yeah, refillable hand-sanitising dispenser.
Maximum weight capacity is 80 kilos.
"Exceeding the recommended weight will void all warranties.
" - 80 kilos?! - Yeah.
- 80 kilos.
- "And may result in" Are you going to get an elephant to shit in it?! I know.
But it is quite heavy.
How are you going to get I weigh less than 80 kilos.
It does seem extraordinary.
I know.
I really need to get the I'm going to exceed the limit! LAUGHTER "It may result in rupture of waste tank, "possible bacteria contamination of briefcase contents "and massive stench.
" So, you don't want to do that.
I'm assuming you haven't emptied it for a year.
Presumably, you would have two suitcases when you turned up to meetings.
And everyone would be like, "Derek, why have you got two suitcases?" "No reason.
" And then he'd just hide behind the leather panel.
If you accidentally went, I've been through the figures and Oops! LAUGHTER Massive stench! Massive stench! - Oh, dear.
- "How is the meeting going?" "Oh, it was going fine until I got the bog out.
" Alternatively, you go the other way, "Thanks for letting me use your toilet briefcase.
" "Oh, I don't have a toilet briefcase.
" I ought to say that the 80 kilos includes the person sitting on it.
- So I think I would - Oh, right.
- I would break it, - I've a horrible feeling.
- Maybe they That changes everything.
LAUGHTER - I'm going to make a lava lamp - Have you got one? .
.
for your edification, pleasure and entertainment.
I have here a little tube, this is actually a tube that usually contains tennis balls, and this is a mixture of vegetable oil and water.
And I have here a little syringe.
Quite hard to mix, by the way, those two things.
- Yeah, they are, because - They separate, don't they, David? - Yeah.
- Yes.
LAUGHTER Hello? So, you pump the colour in.
And I'm going to use Alka-Seltzer or any effervescent hang-over cure pill will do.
- And I - Are you going to say, "Don't try this at home"? Well, you can, actually.
Honestly, it's not going to explode.
And cue light.
- Was this how they - Wahey! There we go.
Pop it on.
- And then, as the - Oh, it's a beautiful thing.
.
.
effervescent works, it begins, yeah, there we are, beginning to get the effect.
And you've, there we are, the colour's now beginning to come into it.
And you're getting a sort of lava lamp there, obviously, professionally they're made more permanent.
A lava lamp, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE But you've all got the equipment, as it were, so you can make one yourselves.
- Oh, so exciting.
- Aren't you lucky? - Yeah.
- It's so exciting.
- We've begun with a thrilling excitement.
- Put this in first.
- What do we do with that? - We inject colour in.
You've all got different colours to make it thrilling.
Don't put too much of the effervescent hangover cure - Oh, Jesus.
- Oh, I put all of it in.
- Did you? Oh, no.
Did you? It's a slightly manic lava lamp, it's sort of Don't put too many pills in.
- Just put a little of the - No, put loads in, it's brilliant.
Yeah, just a little, just put a little in, yeah.
Look at that, man! - Look at your bullshit lava lamp.
- Mine has dried.
LAUGHTER - Ours is so brilliant.
Look at that! - Won't it explode now? - Hopefully.
- I can No, no, you don't! - No! - You're no fun.
Stick another one in, ours has gone mental.
I'm a responsible adult, there has to be one on this programme.
- Look at all the little balls.
- I've got rather oily This reminds me so much of school, when you said, "Don't put all the Alka-Seltzer in," and then Alan said, "We're putting it all in," as a result.
And I've gone along with him, and now I'm frightened.
You're the one in trouble.
LAUGHTER ALL YELP LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE going to blow? - Sir?! Sir?! - Sir, sir! Sir! - All right.
- Sir! Sir! Sir! - All right.
- You wanted it to explode.
Sir did it, sir did it! - David Mitchell, you made me laugh.
- I can smell something.
- Sir, can we all do that, sir? - You made me laugh, David.
- He was laughing at my colour.
- I've told you before You're in trouble! It's not funny, there's nothing funny about making people laugh.
LAUGHTER Oh, hang on, there may be.
But dear, oh, dear, I've got oily hands.
Mitchell's taken the lid off, sir, it's not sealed.
This is not how it was supposed to happen at all.
LAUGHTER I love how broad Stephen's remit is! LAUGHTER The industrial CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's terrible.
And we all know why Alan has industrial-strength tissues.
LAUGHTER