Queen America (2018) s01e01 Episode Script

Sequins and Fritos

- I have one rule-- Never settle for anything you already are.
What we do here isn't about who you are today, it's about who you're gonna be when you wake up tomorrow.
Because what you are today isn't good enough.
That's why they call it the American Dream.
Do you hear me? -I hear you.
-You're at 5:15 now.
You finished yesterday at 6 minutes flat.
-Why do I have to wear the crown right now? -To remind you who you were when you woke up today and who you're gonna be when you wake up tomorrow.
-5:35.
-It's interesting.
They stopped the red lips in the past few years.
-Who were you when you woke up this morning, Hayley? -Miss Tulsa.
-And who are you gonna be when you wake up tomorrow? - Miss Oklahoma! -5:48, you fat, slow bitch.
-And what are you gonna be three months from now? -Miss America U.
S.
! Ass! Mother! Hell! God! - And what has no Miss America U.
S.
in the history of our nation ever had? -Love handles! -Or? -Cellulite! -That's right, baby girl.
-5:55.
You need the bucket? -Mary, no.
I just whitened her teeth this morning.
If you let her vomit, then you ruin everything.
-I'm not gonna vomit.
-Good girl.
You can take the crown off now.
-It's okay.
I like how it feels.
-I know, baby.
Look, I don't want you to think of this feeling as pain.
I want you to think of it as improvement.
'Cause if everyone lived like that, no one would ever have to be mediocre again.
-Miss America, Starred and Striped United States, is -See that? Crucial! The winner has that brief moment to show the audience that she just can't believe it, and we have to believe that she just can't believe it.
Because no one likes a pretty girl who expects big things to happen to her.
-Can I lay down? -She has to act grateful to the point of apologetic.
At least, if she wants that crown.
-Amen.
-Amen.
-Excuse me.
Excuse me, uh Miss Ellis? -Eyes up.
The audience is this way, ladies.
Smiles! Now waves.
Stay on tempo, girls.
Miss Claremore, you're a half beat off.
-Miss Ellis, you know you're not supposed to come through this way.
-Hold! Miss Owasso, you're bringing the whole tempo down.
You too, Bartlesville.
-Okay, from the top.
-Vicki Ellis.
Giving young girls eating disorders since 1945.
-Better than giving them herpes, Rick.
-Tell me, Vick, at this point, do you actually have any tooth enamel left, or is it all just completely coated in stomach acid? -You know, I've never understood why an Australian was even eligible to be on the pageant board.
When you think about it, Australia's not even a real country, it's just a bunch of criminals England didn't want.
-You two have been waiting for this night a long time.
You a bit nervous? -I've had a lot of girls in a lot of pageants.
-Yeah, but Hayley's your golden girl.
You know, I still remember when she was flat-chested and gap-toothed, losing all the Miss Teen titles.
Do you remember that? -Yeah, but they don't let you near the teens anymore, do they, Rick? Not since that incident with Miss Teen Sapulpa at the PetSmart fundraiser.
-You know it's amazing the sort of slander that childless middle-aged women have time to spread.
Are you, uh are you fiddling with yourself enough, Vick? I mean, I know it's lonely work, but it can kill the time between menopause and death.
-Hey, Bishop, you wanna hear a joke? -All right.
-How does an Australian practice safe sex? -Oh -He paints the legs of the sheep that kick.
where men are men, and sheep are nervous.
-Okay.
-What does an Australian call a bunch of sheep tied to a lamp post? A recreation center.
-Have fun with this Vick, okay? -No, wait.
Rick.
Rick.
I'm sorry.
I actually have a real question.
-What is it? -Why do Australian horses run so fast? -Because they see what they do to the goddamn sheep! -Did you notice Miss Stillwater wearing the same color as me? -Oh, bigger fish, Hayley.
Miss Stillwater? Where in God's hell is Stillwater? -It's just west, about an hour-- -I know where Stillwater is.
Stillwater's in Stillwater and you are Miss Tulsa.
The most important city in the state.
-What about Oklahoma City? -Miss Oklahoma City has a severe lateral lisp and a snowball's chance in hell.
-Hurry up so we can get going to the infrared.
Sweat out any last puff.
-Make sure you get her back here by 4:00.
-Wait.
You're not gonna come watch me sweat? -I'll be back before you even start hair and makeup, baby girl.
I have a thing I have to do.
-What thing? No.
I need you.
-What you need is to go sweat out some sodium, get a hug from your mama, and get back here by 4:00.
-What was that? -Nothing.
-Give it to me.
-No.
Vicki! -Hayley, give it to me! -Stop, no! -Give it to me! -I hate it when you do that! -Everyone does.
The knees are incredibly sensitive.
Well at least it's not a picture of his dick this time.
-He just wanted to wish me luck.
-You do not engage with that boy today.
Tonight's the most important night of your life.
Do not let her out of your sight.
These young kids discover toxic sex for the first time, and it's like trying to pull a Muskogee girl out of a meth den.
-Whoa! -Oh my I'm sorry.
I did not realize that was so unsturdy.
-Can you believe that train wreck? I mean, why is she even here? -Two words: swimsuit competition.
-We should've won the swimsuit preliminary.
We worked so hard.
Your thighs practically levitate, and that girl had a rib removed.
-You think she really had a rib removed? -No, probably not.
-That girl doesn't matter.
Sit down.
Do you think they're gonna send a Miss Claremore to represent our state at Nationals? Huh? Claremore isn't a town, it's a gas station.
-Look, I know I deserve to win, but, I mean, I could lose.
Injustice happens all the time.
Like what Hillary Clinton did to the Bengalese tigers.
-No, honey, that's not-- -Everyone, shut up, shut up.
Hayley.
In all my years of coaching, I have never believed in a girl like I believe in you.
I have known you since you were 12 years old and you are a born champion.
You're gonna make me proud tonight.
-I will.
-Huh? That's my girl.
-Mm-hmm.
-Hey, Katie, sorry I missed your call before.
Today's been hectic.
You guys on your way yet? -Yeah, uh, sorry, Vicki.
I don't think I can drop Bella off to you today.
I've got loads to do around the house.
Any way you can come pick her up here? -You want me to drive all the way to Okmulgee? Jesus Christ, Katie! That's a 45-minute drive.
-Well, it's not any quicker for me to get to Tulsa, now is it? -This is just like you.
I go to the trouble of making specific plans, trying to do something nice for my niece-- -Oh, give me a break, Vicki.
We always have to come to you, you never come to us.
-You know I'd love to get back there more often, I'm just busy.
-Look.
It's a big day for you.
Why don't we just rain check this afternoon, and then you can just see Bella tonight when I drop her off at your pageant? -The whole point was so I could get her an appropriate outfit to wear to the pageant.
There's an audience dress code.
-Well, I'm sure we can find something just fine in her closet.
-Like what? -Well, she's not into dresses, but I'm sure we can find a proper pair of khakis.
-Oh, God, no.
Crap.
Okay.
I'll come pick her up.
Just make sure she's ready when I get there.
-Okay, it's quickest if you drive 75 North-- -I remember the goddamn way.
-Bella, she's gonna be here soon.
-Mom, do I really have to go? -It's important to your Aunt Vicki.
She'll buy you something nice to wear to the pageant tonight.
-But I don't even wanna go to the pageant.
-Bella.
We're being supportive.
-Then why don't you have to go? -'Cause Aunt Vicki can only get one ticket.
-Oh, yeah.
Okay.
You're sending me off like a sacrifice, like a sacrificial lamb, or a horse or something.
-Nobody ever sacrificed no horses.
-Then I guess I'm a lamb.
-God, you are dramatic! -Hello, Vicki.
-Hmm-hmm.
Hello, hi.
-It's been way too long.
-Hmm.
-Now Where is that gorgeous niece of mine? Hey there, Bella.
-Hi, Aunt Vicki.
-Come here, sweetie.
Mmm.
The place looks nice.
-Well it ain't Utica Square, but it'll do.
-Isn't.
"Isn't" Utica Square.
-So, what time's the show tonight, eight o'clock? -No.
Seven.
But the doors open at 6:30.
I sent you a detailed email.
-Sorry.
Seven o'clock.
Cool.
-But the doors open at 6:30.
-Got it.
-Now, you and I are gonna have such a fun afternoon.
I'm gonna get you all glammed up.
We're gonna go to the mall, we're gonna swing by the makeup department.
And then I'm gonna treat you to a nice outfit.
-I don't like makeup.
-Everyone likes makeup.
Katie, I'll have her back here by three.
-Three? That's like four hours.
At the mall.
-Three o'clock is perfect.
-Ow! -All done.
-How do you feel? -Great.
-Whoa! Let's sit you down for a second.
-I'm good, I'm good.
How are my cheekbones? -Very pronounced, honey, here you go.
-Okay.
-We're good, we're good.
-I can't believe that George is still alive.
I didn't think those micro dogs lived past six months.
-Shh! This is George II, actually.
-Oh, okay.
That makes more sense.
-Their tiny little hearts, you know, just can't take too much stress.
A light pink would be nice on you.
-I don't wear pink clothes.
It wouldn't match anything.
Well, your lipstick doesn't have to match your clothing, sweetheart.
That would be very bizarre.
-I don't I don't like colors on my face.
-Okay.
Well, how about a clear gloss, give you some shine? Oh, let's see what you got there.
Okay, Bella, you see, T-shirts are fine for around the house.
But what about when you go somewhere special? -I don't go anywhere special.
-Well, you're going somewhere special tonight.
This might look nice.
-It's sort of girly.
-Well, honey, I hate to break it to you, but you are, in fact, a girl.
Come on, let me see.
-But I said I don't like it.
-Let me just see the dress, Bella.
-Aunt Vicki! What the heck! -You just need a different size.
-Can you please go?! -Excuse me.
My niece needs a bigger size.
Bella, just open up a bit so she can see the dress.
-Okay, I'll look.
What size is that? -It's a 14.
-Oh, that's actually our largest size, I'm sorry.
-What about the blue one? -The blue one's a tent.
Can we go? -Let's just see it, Bella.
Let me see.
It brings out your eyes.
-I look like a sleeping bag.
-Well, we can keep looking if you want.
I just want you to get something you like.
-I won't like any of them.
-Keep your voice down.
This is a department store.
It's not Golden Corral.
-I don't wear dresses! I wear T-shirts.
For going unspecial places and doing unspecial things.
Look, I get you're into this stuff.
But to me it's profoundly unimportant.
-See you at four.
Don't be late, or Vicki will kill you.
-Don't worry.
I'll be good.
Hey, baby.
Where are you? -I won't tell your mom you exploded at me.
-Do whatever.
Look.
I know you're trying to be nice.
I just don't like the same things as you.
-Well, I like lots of things.
-Oh, yeah, like what? Besides makeup and clothing and factory-made dogs that aren't even meant to exist.
-Please don't bring George into this.
-He's just not a real dog.
-He's blameless here.
-What I do is about more than just makeup and clothing.
And it means a lot to a lot of people.
I help girls become better versions of themselves.
And maybe if you spent more time with me in Tulsa, you'd see that.
-Everything you do with your life is about preventing girls from being like me.
-That is a terrible thing to say, Bella.
-You hate ugly girls.
-You are not ugly.
Do you hear me? And who do you think told your mama to name you Bella? Huh? Bella means "beautiful.
" -If I showed up at one of your pageants you would laugh me off the stage.
-I'd never laugh at you.
You're my niece.
-Then someone else's niece who looks like me.
-Oh! Oh, God.
I'm almost done.
-Wait, pull out.
-Jesus! Brent, you idiot! Get off of me! -I didn't want to get your seat dirty, it's a Lexus.
-Relax.
I got you a morning after pill.
-God.
I'll take it after swimsuit tonight.
The hormones make me bloat.
God, if Vicki finds out I saw you, she'll kill me.
-Relax.
You're definitely gonna win.
-You really think so? -Babe, you look like Pepsi commercial Britney Spears.
-Babe! Come here.
-Bella? What happened? -That girl is spoiled rotten, that's what happened.
I tried to show her a good time and she was totally ungrateful.
-I knew this was a bad idea.
What did you do to her? -Oh.
Like you just assume it's my fault? This ain't because Isn't.
Isn't because of me.
Wipe that smile off your face! And by the way, what the hell are you feeding that child? Huh? -Excuse me? -Look at this crap.
Fritos? Who the hell eats Fritos anymore besides Appalachian teenagers? -I do.
-Over there, mac-n-cheese.
Over here what looks like a former pastrami sandwich, even though I've warned you repeatedly about white bread.
Oh, holy hell, Katie, is that a frozen corndog? Tell me that's not a frozen corndog.
Looks like it wasn't even properly thawed before you started eating it.
What, you couldn't wait? -I'm sorry I can't afford gourmet every day, Vicki.
But I live in the real world, which is something you've never done.
-You're supposed to be taking care of her.
Instead you're fattening her up like a goddamn Miss Piggy, sending her out there to be laughed at.
That's the "real world.
" -She has a lazy thyroid and an insatiable appetite.
-Well, tape her mouth shut.
Put a goddamn lock on the fridge.
-You have no right to tell me how to raise my kid.
-Oh right, your kid.
Well, maybe it's time that she knew the truth about that story.
Ohh! You punched me! In my face.
-Well, you come in my house talking like a dumb whore, you're gonna get punched in the face like a dumb whore.
-That better not leave a mark.
-Well, if it does, that's what makeup's for.
And lord knows you got plenty of that.
You and I agreed 16 years ago to keep certain things to ourselves.
And if you decide to go back on that now, you better expect a real shitstorm from me.
And I know you think you've got the market cornered on shitstorms, but you and I come from the same mother and she taught us both how to rage.
-You were supposed to give her a good life.
-I gave her the life that I could give her.
And, Vicki, this is it.
And I'm not ashamed of it.
I'd like to see the life you would have given her.
You, the wannabe starlet flashing her cooter at any hick in Okmulgee who would look at it.
Hopped up on diet pills, talking about pageants all day long.
-You've got the life you got now because you didn't spend years wiping up a baby's ass.
So when you walk in my house with your fancy shoes and your $1,500 genetically engineered dog, you remember who made that possible.
And you show me some goddamn respect! -I respect you, Katie.
I just don't like you much sometimes.
-Yeah, well we're family, we don't have to like each other.
We just have to get on with it.
-The dress will be more flattering if she belts it at the waist.
I recommend blue or silver.
Brown is not an option.
Just 'cause I'd like the world to look a little better doesn't mean I don't live in the "real" one.
-Ladies and gentlemen, the girls of the Miss Oklahoma Starred and Striped United States Pageant.
-She did what? We become what we choose to become.
Nobody makes our choices for us.
-Was she trying to mess with us? -I want this more than anything.
-Everybody's got to use what they've got.
Not using it doesn't make you more enlightened, it just makes you poor.
-Are you insane? Do you know how many girls would kill for that? -The winner of the Miss Oklahoma Starred and Striped U.
S.
Pageant is -It will all have been worth it.