Rap Sh!t (2022) s01e06 Episode Script

Something for The Gram

- What you say, hoe?
- I said excuse
- The fuck
- Freeze! Y'all see this shit?
All my good sis Tabby
said was "excuse me."
But you know what?
You can tell by the cut
of this bitch's Mary J. Blige-ass boots
that she's just
an aggressive individual.
Don't judge me for this next part.
- Oh my god! Am I bleeding?
- Call security! Call the mayor!
Call Eric Adams!
I did extensive research
on these two dusty hoes.
The assailant and the accomplice
are Shawna and Mia, respectively.
Apparently, they rap.
We want a fucking apology.
And we not gonna take our feet
off your motherfucking neck
until we get one!
You have 24 hours to respond,
or else we'll be dragging that ass
back to Joseline's Cabaret!
Ronnie, stop making
- basic bitches famous
- Put some respect on this.
Rosa Parks didn't die
on a bus for this
That ghetto girl and them bird nails.
- Bitch got some nerve
- Your homie need to go solo
- Yo! I found her OnlyFans
- Whose dick do you need to suck
- to get into first class
- Why are Black women so violent, man?
This is why nobody wants y'all
What kinda trash-ass mama is this bitch?
Am I going to school?
Me and my Glock one and the same ♪
'Cause we both got extensions ♪
Ay, dog, don't try
to give me your heart ♪
'Cause I got bad intentions ♪
- Hey, y'all.
- Hey, Shawna.
- Hey, girl.
- We've been texting you.
We wanted to make sure that
you were okay after what happened.
Y'all spoken?
No, no.
You see his Insta story?
That press release that nigga did?
What, he Cory Booker or something?
I saw it. He's just trying
to make himself look better.
Look, he knows he fucked up, alright?
Y'all have been together a long time,
and you've been through
a lot of changes.
- It just seems that if you talked
- Fuck him!
Jill, you saw what the fuck he did.
Look, I don't give a fuck! Like,
why are we talking about this nigga?
It's okay if you do give a fuck.
It's valid to be hurt.
Yeah, you would think
that, but, honestly,
- I'm good. I'm chillin'. For real.
- Okay.
You guys don't believe me?
Hot girl Shawna is here!
I'm in the building!
Ain't no nigga holdin' me back!
- Period!
- It's "periodt" with a T,
but that's not the point.
- This is it for y'all?
- Yep.
Cliff couldn't handle
a real bitch like me.
He just mad 'cause I'm up,
and he's stuck!
Okay, onto the shit that
actually affects me,
did Crystal say anything about
- the slappening?
- No. Y'all are not the first rappers
to fight at a party.
But, I would let that
Ronnie shit die down.
Okay. Say less, girl. I hear you.
- Right.
- Okay, bye.
- Talk you later.
- Bye, babe.
What's up?
Oh Hey.
You smoking on the job?
Man, you know I'm not finna to
deal with these niggas sober.
I feel that.
You trying to go to the beach?
- With who?
- With me, fool!
You trying to hang out?
Right now?
Your roommate's at
the house fucking again.
Are you coming or what?
Ah well. Fuck this job.
I've taken all I can rock with ♪
Come here!
Glad that I dropped out of college ♪
Ma'am, as I said, you have
And as I said,
I'm not finna carry my ass
down to Lincoln Road for this shit!
Y'all need to fix my computer!
Ma'am, I'm
gonna place you on a brief hold.
Oh my god
Don't nobody know how to fix
the fucking shit? Damn!
Oh! They about to pass
me back and forth! Watch!
- So, you want me to watch the baby?
- Yeah.
My homegirl said she
gonna cover my shift
so I can get my head straight.
Thank you for holding, ma'am.
We'll be right with you.
So, what's the problem this week?
I had an altercation in New York.
Someone caught it on camera,
now they won't get off my ass about it.
That's it?
Girl, you fighting in these
streets ain't nothin' special.
Who'd you smack? Puffy?
People talking about Melissa.
Somebody said they're
gonna call CPS on me.
Niggas tried that CPS shit
with me no less than 78 times.
Yet here you are, in my house,
eating up my damn food.
It's different, Ma.
M-my career tied up in this!
M-Mia, what exactly is your career?
Girl, y'all kids so wrapped up
in this internet. My brand this,
and my business, and blah-blah-blah.
Really, ain't nobody stuntin' y'all.
Ma, something else
did happen in New York
- that I need to talk to you about.
- Ah, Melissa!
Get off the rug with that dog!
Coco, don't you show out
'cause your niece is here!
Don't you try that
scootin' shit, skid marks
all over my damn rug!
Ain't nobody gonna be here
to clean it but me!
Come on, baby. Tell GG bye.
- What's your problem?
- Bye, GG.
It's obvious you in a bad mood,
and you ain't trying
to hear what I'm saying.
I heard you! I really don't know
what it is you want me to say!
You not saying. You screaming.
Nobody wanna be around you
when you acting like that.
You get mad at the world,
and you wanna take it out on everybody.
You know what? It is
what it is. Go get your bag.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I like catching my head to my ass ♪
Do the dash,
can you make it go fast? ♪
Fuck the fame, all I want is ♪
Get this, get this.
It's cold, it's cold, it's cold.
Mia still not answering?
Nah. My nigga Mia probably somewhere
bleaching a lace front or somethin'.
Well, that's fucked up.
So, you basically spent all of our money
on them hoes for nothing?
See, you need to calm down.
I told you I'm planting seeds.
Planting seeds. You forgot
these bitches ain't got no loyalty.
You forgot that.
And you have to understand,
you had they song played.
All this attention is because of you.
Now, they playing in yo face.
Trifling-ass hoes. Ungrateful hoes.
"Planting seeds." I would beat
they ass if it was up to me.
Good life, good tree ♪
Be you sucka free ♪
- Hey, what up!
- Look who's here?
Yeah. Just thought I'd switch it up.
D'ussé and DeLeón!
Support Black businesses.
- Bitch, you stole that!
- Girl,
you still gonna drink it.
Esther said it was okay!
Esther gonna beat your ass!
Uh-uh! Why you not dancing, stank face?
Who wanna lose at Uno?
Yes, girl, deal me in!
Please peep this.
This serial killer brought his
own mangoes to the beach,
and now he is sitting here,
cutting them up!
Why do you have a loose
backpack knife, Maurice?
No sheath? No nothing?
You know what? No. This is the most
Haitian shit I have ever seen!
Wait. Hold on.
- What are you doing?
- Doing it right.
No, because what happened
to the plain, beautiful mango
I had before?
Bruh, just try it.
- Put that shit on everything.
- Uh-huh!
You aight?
Yep. I'm okay.
Jet ski rentals!
Yo, my man! Jet ski rentals?
Hell yeah.
Hell yeah, man! Go faster, Maurice!
You wanna take the wheel?
No! I'm just the motivation!
You ain't want none of this work, boy!
Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! What are you doing?
No! I wanna live today, Maurice!
Oh! What, you
afraid to get a little wet?
- Nigga, I been wet!
- I can feel it.
I'm dead serious!
- Maurice, stop!
- What?
- Ah!
- What are you doing?
- What you mean?
- Who do you think you are?
- Ah!
- I knew you were a murderer!
Keep acting up, aight?
I'ma leave your ass here
swimming with the fishes.
Oh my god, a scammer
and a murderer! Huh?
- Hm.
- This is who you sent me?
Wow. You talking to
Jesus about me, girl?
The nigga know my struggle.
It's my turn!
Can you film me?
- Aw, you a trip.
- You better hold me.
God dang, baby! You see her?
You see this girl?!
Okay, alright now. Shawna, chill now.
Wait! Oh, wait
Oh, seven days out the week ♪
Weed's my only friend ♪
Maybe a girlfriend as a guy ♪
But I'm solidified in your life ♪
When they leave ♪
I'll still be present ♪
- Mommy?
- What?!
Melissa, I'm sorry, baby. Come here.
- Mommy, what's wrong?
- I'm sorry.
Nothing. I'm good.
I'll still be present ♪
Oh damn, she really going through it.
You know what?
Maybe this is a message from the ocean.
I hear you.
If I had my phone right now,
I would be on it.
Now, would I even be able to
admire these beautiful waters?
No! No, I wouldn't!
And I feel so free right now!
Nobody blowing me up.
Don't nobody be blowing you up.
- Shut up. Stop filming me.
- Come on!
Uh-uh. Oh, no. I'm gross.
I got to take a shower.
And you can't post that!
You the feds, bro! Delete it!
Look at all this money
damn you bitches bummy ♪
I get paper now you bitches haters ♪
All these diamonds
now you bitches crying ♪
These niggas don't want you ♪
'Cause none of you bitches wifey ♪
Hey! Was it you I was
talking to last night?
- Hell, no. That was my assistant.
- Oh, word, word.
He mentioned y'all got
an event lined up.
At a mansion? Hey, look,
my girls great in that type of vibe.
I can send them through
again if you want.
Aight. Bet.
Shit, double up then.
This should cover both nights.
Actually, I got a group I manage.
They like Cardi B and C. Man, they like
Tia and Tamara Thee Stallion.
That ain't even make sense,
but look, you feel me. Look,
check this out, check this out.
I'ma spend his cream ♪
Put his face in that
crack like fiends ♪
Put a arch in your back then leave ♪
- Aight. They kinda fire.
- Yeah! I know you feel that!
- Yeah.
- And they blowing up online, too!
Man, we do full-service
entertainment around here.
You can have girls in the front,
girls in the back,
- they'll shut the stage down.
- Ooh.
Mm Now, don't get me wrong.
I mean, they good, but come on.
Just can't be spending bread
booking some random bitches.
What if we made this
a breadless endeavor?
Let's talk like businessmen.
Hola, MTV, y bienvenidos
to my beautiful crib.
Here is my million-dollar view.
Only the best for a night in Miami.
You are sick person, bro.
You are not well.
Entonces, aqui es mi bar.
Uno, dos, tres, cuatro!
Oh my god, we should have been on this.
We could have been cutting
master keys the whole time!
Nigga, who's we?
I does this.
I'm on it, yeah, I'm on it ♪
I feel like I
should start wearing robes.
I look good in this.
I didn't even know we made these.
Man, how tall did you
say you were again?
I don't know, like 5'11".
What you doin'? What is this?
Okay, see? See, you're a liar.
Oh man.
Also, why are you so buff?
- You don't do nothin'.
- Man
There's some ass back there, huh?
Come on.
Oh, don't do me like that.
Down, boy.
I still got all this sand on me.
Ladies first.
Come on. I wouldn't want to waste water.
Yes, tell me somethin' ♪
What's your number ♪
I got something for you ♪
If you want it ♪
I got something for you ♪
If you want it ♪
Know I got bands like Backstreet ♪
Boy, I'm the man if you ask me ♪
Fuck on that bitch in the backseat ♪
We in the castle, yeah, I'm king ♪
Now I'm in your ho, mad at me? ♪
Send a DM just to trap me ♪
Threw your bitch in the taxi ♪
Wanna get drunk and nasty? ♪
Wanna get drunk and nasty ♪
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hey, baby.
Why you answering the door?
Where Mommy?
This way.
Oh, oh. Jesus.
Okay. I see you was having some fun.
Toys everywhere. Jesus.
Mia! Hey.
Mia! Hey, why you ain't answer the door?
You ain't hear me knocking?
Why you ain't take Melissa to school?
Man, Melissa already smarter
than the both of us. She fine.
Oh. Okay, you ain't got
none of your shit together?
It's just Instagram.
You lettin' that shit fuck
with your self-esteem?
- What?
- Can I have just one day?!
Hey, hey, look. You can do
whatever the fuck you want to,
but you got my kid over here!
- You not communicating!
- I said she fine!
What else do you want me to say?
Calm your voice! Just talk to me.
- How the fuck did you get in my house?
- What you mean?
Your daughter unlocked
the door because you didn't!
- Well, see your way out.
- Hey, yo,
you really on one. What's going on, yo?
I'm going through so
much, and I just swallow that shit.
Don't even know why
I try to talk to my mama.
Shit, me neither!
I be there for everybody.
When somebody gonna show up for me?
You got people, Mia.
Oh, for real?
Where they at? Come out!
Where the fuck they at?!
I had a whole baby with yo ass.
A whole human!
- And I do every fucking thing!
- Whoa,
how the fuck did this just
become about me? Huh?
I'm trying to help you right now!
You always try to make me
seem like I'm a deadbeat
or some shit like that. I'm not!
You take her to get McFlurries
- and watch "Scarface" on the weekend.
- Mia
I'm here every fuckin' day!
I clothe her, I feed her,
and I pick her up from school
by my fucking self!
It's hard. Damn!
Losin' my shit.
And I don't wanna keep takin'
this shit out on everybody.
How the fuck am I suppose to be
there for my baby if I can't even
You will, okay?
And I-I'ma do better
for you and for baby.
But you got to talk to me.
Aight, wha Aight!
If not me, somebody.
You can't just keep that shit
bottled up in you though.
You gotta let that shit out.
You'll be aight.
Oh. Okay.
- So you just gonna leave?
- Ain't nobody Calm down.
You need to breathe some.
I'm about to go fix you food.
- Oh.
- Come on, baby,
before your mama be
done bit you or something.
- Well
- And up we go.
Don't burn down my kitchen.
You know you cook like Boosie.
Hungry ass.
I'll replace the phone
for you. You earned it.
Okay, we're not gonna sit here
and act like my pussy
is worth a measly little iPhone.
Calm down, Caresha. I'm just sayin'.
How you supposed to text me
for dick appointments
if you ain't got no phone?
How you pay for all them bills ♪
Not these little-ass drinks.
How many ounces is this?
Eight ounce. Mm-mmm.
- Damn.
- Ooh, I'm about to fuck up
- these plantains!
- Damn, weed make you violent!
This nigga
Y'all trending in Miami.
This might not be such a bad thing.
"I'm sorry for how shit went down.
"That wasn't cool. Can we talk?
Let me know."
She really thought
that was gonna be enough?
No! No! Super Smash, Sista!
Get the fuck out my face
with that weak-ass apology!
You hit my friend in public,
so you need to apologize
in public!
Well, well, well.
here this other bitch come.
Where's your partner in crime. Shawna?
Listen here, Ronnie,
whatever the fuck your name is.
I'ma say this shit one time.
Leave Mia the fuck alone.
Everybody is tired of your bullshit!
Your friend was rude as fuck,
but you conveniently left
out all of her disrespect,
- now, didn't you?
- So,
why can't your girl speak
for herself, though?
Why can't yours, bitch?!
You can say whatever
you want, Captain Save-a-Bird,
but your friend was
still wrong for her shit.
Okay, and your friend was wrong
for wearing a jumpsuit with Huaraches.
- Where the fuck was she even going?!
- Girl
You actually set the table?
Yeah! I know how to do some
of the little fancy stuff. Chill out.
Thank you.
what is you over there doing?
- Mwah!
- Now your turn, Daddy!
- Mm.
- Now, do it at the same time!
Girl, what I tell you about
swiping away notifications like that?
I'm tired of you!
Your mama should've slapped you
for talking crazy on here!
That little drop earring you got on!
Where you get that from?
Forever 21 Men's?
- Mm!
- You so fancy.
- Are you done?
- Nigga, are you?
- Let's keep it a buck.
- Let's go.
You clearly just trying
to ramp up engagement
on your weak-ass page 'cause
don't nobody wanna watch you,
right? So, you gotta
react to everything.
So you took an unfortunate,
but natural, human interaction,
and you made it some shit it's not!
Stay out of women's business, hoe!
- Bum-ass nigga, lay down!
- Yo! And we from Miami!
We should be poppin' a
trunk on your bitch ass, Ronnie!
You would look real
good on a shirt, Ronnie!
- Airbrush to everything, bitch!
- How do you turn this shit off?
Baby Ronnie!
- I can't stand this update!
- Your mama made a GoFundMe.
Now, I see why y'all two in a group.
- Ay.
- Hm?
You got some gangsta beats
you could send me?
Yeah, I got you.
Oh, and, uh, I can pick
Melissa up from school tomorrow.
Take her in the morning, if that's cool.
Oh, there's more links
in your microwave, too.
Butterflied a few of 'em.
Chopped the other ones.
Appreciate it. Your daddy crazy.
- Bitch, tell me!
- Okay!
- I fucked Maurice.
- I knew it!
Oh, I knew it! Oh my god.
Girl, you was actin'
fresh off some dick.
- I knew it.
- Girl, ooh!
That dick was so good.
- Too good. Criminally good.
- Mm.
I don't know what got
- into me.
- Hm?
How about a
- skinny-legged Haitian nigga?
- What is wrong with you?
Stop shaking this table.
Baby-proof your home.
Fuck that table.
Bitch, I had a bad day.
Oh my god, but when I saw your Live,
it meant a lot.
Especially because I thought
you was still mad about New York.
And I thought you was ignoring my calls.
Wait, no, I thought you
were ignoring my calls.
I just need you to know
that I always have your back.
For real.
I know.
Girl, what happened in New York? Like
Are you okay?
I'm gonna need this shit.
he let himself in the room, and, um,
he wasn't alone.
Like, he-he brought a friend with him?
Mia, that is not okay at all.
Like, that is fucked up.
I mean, I didn't let nothin'
happen. I cussed his ass out.
Then, he put me out.
I'm so stupid!
I actually thought I had
this shit under control.
Like, I actually thought
he liked me for real.
Whole time, he thought I was worthless.
Look, you are not stupid.
You are not worthless.
There's a lot of
fuckin' assholes out there.
But, with these little
hating-ass vloggers,
gonna be some Pateks. Some private jets.
Mm. Mm.
Some lobster. Who
here like lobster, bitch?
- I like lobster!
- Period!
- Cheers to that, hoe!
- Hm!
Fuck them!
I wrote a song.
I mean, if you hate it, it's okay.
But, bitch, I had to get
some shit off my chest.
Where you get this beat from?
Girl, you know where
I got this beat from.
My bitch so bad, my bitch so bad ♪
Dumb hoe, you made my bitch so real ♪
My bitch so real, fuck how you feel ♪
My bitch a vibe, my bitch a vibe ♪
She gonna fuck
this shit up every time ♪
Yeah, that's my bitch,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
- Mia! What? You wrote that?
- Mm-hmm.
You are amazing! Girl! Girl! What?!
Oh my god, Mia!
- Okay. Check it.
- Mm. Talk some shit.
Pussy hoe, you wish, I wish
you would run on my bitch ♪
How I lit the fire so quick,
on the line so quick ♪
Y'all wouldn't even know I hit ♪
Ay! Girl, it's about to go.
It's done. It's another one.
- Okay. If I say
- Talk your shit now.
Dade County hoes don't fold ♪
Outside hot but the inside cold ♪
I talk back, never do what I'm told ♪
Bad bitches deep any time we roll! ♪
- That was so right!
- That's another one! Whoo!
Here. Yes, strut. Get it! Ooh!
Homeless-ass hoes. A house.
Man, I know y'all hoes starving
y'all thick asses off.
I got some shrimp, snapper, lobster
Broccoli if y'all trying to be healthy.
I mean, it's fried,
but it's still broccoli.
Did you get
the fried conch? I sent a text.
The what?
Can you at least act
like you from Miami?
It's conk!
- Got some good news.
- Hm?
My homeboy, he a booking agent.
He know all about y'all.
He throwing a party for
James Harden in a few weeks.
I might be able to get
y'all your debut performance.
Wait, what? How?
What you mean how? You know who I am.
You talking to
the Chaster of Ceremonies.
I'm the Duke of Miami, baby!
But you know I ain't
y'all manager or nothin',
so I don't wanna overstep.
Step. Step all over that shit.
Wait. Is this a real booking agent,
or just, like, an ambitious nigga
- that work at Footlocker?
- Come on, now.
You know I don't play.
Chastity, all you do is play. All day.
Relax, Leshawn James.
It's a done deal.
I closed on it earlier today.
Okay, if you really get us
on the stage, Chastity,
- you can be our manager.
- Say less.
- What y'all workin' on?
- Well, Mia over here
cooked up a new song for us.
And let me just say, that bitch go.
Oh, word?
Well, shit! Let me
hear it! Press play on!
My bitch so bad, my bitch so bad ♪
Dumb hoe, you mad, my
bitch so real, my bitch so real ♪
This shit go crazy!
The hook make me wanna throw
a right hook! Goddamn, B!
Man, I'ma get this on that
"Creed 3" soundtrack!
Y'all can have all these
hoes over here fightin'!
Yo, this could go viral again!
We just gotta get in
a real studio this time!
Yeah, you got to!
We gotta get a DJ.
Oh, I gotta get my new wig.
We gonna need a red carpet, a stylist,
I'ma need some red bottoms.
You talking like a major
label budget right now.
- Don't worry. I got it.
- Oh, man. You sure?
She got money
She do. Okay, let's
talk about this show.
Oh shit, Shawna
Are you fucking kidding me?!
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