Reginald the Vampire (2022) s02e05 Episode Script

Undead Bedfellows

Previously on "Reginald the Vampire"
[VOICE ECHOING] I am Balestro.
In 23 days, an angel's
going to return at midnight
and wipe every vampire
off the planet, me included.
You're an angel,
but you're not on his side.
I no longer wish for your extinction.
I'm on my own path now.
You give me slushies.
I will protect you from harm,
ever and always.
Reggie, are you mad because
Balestro is gonna eradicate
the entire vampire species,
or because there's an angel
macking on your girl?
She's not my girl anymore.
Uriel loaned me his flaming sword
to kill the angel Raphael
so he wouldn't kill Sarah,
so I killed him.
I choose to fight.
What the hell? Let's kill Balestro.
Head to toe ♪
You look at me just like
I'm paying to go ♪

Nice night for a run.
It was.
You wound me.
- Not yet.
Did you run track?
Couldn't help but notice your form.
Comes from years and years of practice.
Name's Brad.
So, Justine, you feeling lucky?
Because if you're
looking for some company,
I could go all night.
- Os clauditur. Tacebis.
I know your mother warned you
against strange women.
Next time, listen to your mother, Brad.
Be careful. It's a jungle out here.

I'm dwelling. I don't like to dwell.
Help me move on.
Uh, I'd I'd love to,
but care to read me in on what?
You have 23 days left to live,
and you lied to me about it, again.
Well, 21 days,
but your point still stands.
How does this keep happening to you?
It's really surprising, isn't it?
But good news, we don't die
if we kill Balestro.
Okay, well, that is good news,
but you kept me in the dark again.
I was gonna tell you,
but first Maurice wanted me
to hold it back
because we needed to know
what was what,
and then Slushy Guy
turned into an angel,
and then Claire lost her mom.
How is she?
Ashley's saying that she's settling in
with them and Nikki,
but she needs time.
Her mom died, so
but I swear,
that is the only reason why.
Okay, I understand.
And bright side, everything
is out in the open now.
Speaking of swords
Were we?
Crazy transition, right?
Do you think Uriel would loan his out?
If that sword can kill an angel
It can kill another like Balestro.
You wanna use Uriel's sword.
That could work.
Great, because that's the plan.
[SIGHS] We are all out of blood.

No, no, no.
We'll get it after.
Fine, I'll order takeout. God.
- She wasn't serious about
- Yeah.
- So he showed up?
[SIGHS] What's this about?
Sounded urgent.
If we're gonna capture
and kill Balestro,
we're gonna need the A-team.
So Mr. T and a bunch of white guys.
No. Wait.
Is Mr. T one of us?
[SIGHS] Reggie, focus.
We need muscle,
the baddest vamps available.
And I need you in your capacity
as deacon to summon them here.
Okay. Who did you have in mind?
Erich, for one.
He's overdue for a promotion
after his brief stint as my butler.
Isis, one name only, heavy hitter,
one of Logan's original bodyguards.
[SIGHS] Okay. Is that it?
Justine Arnaud?
The vampire witch?
And just so I'm clear,
no, no, hell no.
Why not?
Justine is powerful and unpredictable,
and not to mention crazy.
Justine Arnaud might
just be the secret weapon
we need to defeat Balestro.
I can't imagine she's
gonna react well to a summons.
She was at my Assessment.
Logan was a big fan of hers.
Spread the word that I wanna talk.
Maybe she'll listen.
Fine. I'll do it.
Okay, but involving Justine
in our plans? No.
We are not paying you to socialize.
These slushies aren't
gonna sell themselves.
I mean, they almost will
when you consider
the quality and craftsmanship
of our products.
[WHISPERS] But I need you!
Oh, have a good day.
Probably not.
No, never.
Come out with me.
Spend a little time
before the meetup at the Shack.
I can think of a few
better uses of our time.
We gotta focus on the mission.
You mean your mission.
I could care less.
Could not care less.
If you could care less,
that means you care a little.
And given the attitude you're throwing?
Okay, do not correct
my grammar and then expect me
to have a civilized
conversation with you
about your mission.
Besides, why are you so determined
to protect our food?
Evil hides in the shadows.
We don't have to let it stay there,
and we damn sure don't
have to invite it in.
Then just say what you mean.
We're in a fight for our lives,
just like the humans, every day.
And yeah, they're our food,
but that doesn't mean
they have to die without
good reason to sustain us.
So this is me doing time,
not spending it, right?
What is this, penance
for my little indiscretion?
You ripped throats out,
left dead bodies
in the middle of the street
like they were nothing.
I'm sorry, Angie.
They're not nothing.
Human lives have value.
People die, Maurice.
And no amount of you playing Batman
is gonna change that.
All you'll do is
make yourself crazy trying.
I'll see you later at the Shack.
Mm, see you at the Shack.
Balestro's coming for us all.
There's no killing Balestro
without Uriel's sword.
Without it, our plan is
Okay, but even if you
do convince the angel
to part with the sword,
there's no way you guys
are gonna pull this off.
Extremely improbable, yes.
But thanks to Uriel,
we know angels can die.
This is achievable.
I wanna believe in the power
of positive thinking, too,
but Balestro is not just any angel.
That's why we need Justine!
Oh, uh, vampire witch
extraordinaire Justine Arnaud.
- Oh.
Reginald Andres?
I hear you wanna talk.
Damn, great entrance.
Oh, my God! Please stop! Stop!
W-we're all friends here.
We just wanna talk.
So you said.
[GASPS] Damn!
Try to compliment a gal.
I came to hear what he has to say.
Looks like word got around fast.
Except I didn't say anything yet.
Oh, you two said plenty.
A little notification bell
went off in my head
when you said my name, Reginald.
I apologize.
I did do a little eavesdropping.
It helps me avoid unpleasant surprises.
- You understand.
- Totally?
After what I heard,
couldn't resist a face-to-face.
Tell me everything.
Who is this Balestro and why do
you want my help killing him?
Wait, so you didn't
eavesdrop on that part too?
I don't appreciate your tone.
Maybe I'll change it
to something more to my liking.
Balestro's an angel!
An extremely powerful angel.
And he's coming to kill all vampires,
you included, in 21 days.
But I have plans.
Which you get to keep
if we kill him first.
Kill an angel?
That's new.
Lucky for you, I like a challenge.
Tell me more.
So why don't you just ask
your girl to get Uriel's sword?
As I hear it, they've got chemistry.
First of all,
Sarah is not my girl anymore.
I'm leaving that without comment.
And third,
it's just best to keep her
out of undead affairs.
Safer too.
Yeah, but Sarah cares about you.
She's gonna wanna help.
Not the point.
Telling her what's going on,
that's completely different
than involving her.
Yeah, I used to think that
with my girlfriend too.
Wait, you mean vampire girlfriend.
No, my human lover, Gemma.
Been, like, 20 years.
I have so many questions.
Yeah, well, keep them to yourself.
But what I will tell you is this.
I used to try and keep
my life with Gemma
and my vampire life separate.
Didn't work.
If I wanted to be with her,
and I did, I had to let her in.
It's the only way
I could truly be with her.
Well, circling back to the main point,
Sarah and I are just friends,
and I'm okay with that.
Besides, who has time
for romance anyway?
The only grand gesture
that I'm planning
is killing Balestro.
It's the only thing that matters.
Okay, mastermind.
Thank you again for helping Claire.
It was very kind.
I did it for you.
And not for the first time.
You gave Nikki your sword
so that she could protect me
from a homicidal angel.
Also, like, why did he wanna kill me?
I told him I intended
to stay in this world.
He believed humans
were a corrupting influence.
He feared for my soul.
So you did it
to protect me from danger,
like a guardian angel.
The danger has passed.
Yes, but now my friends are in danger,
and they need protection.
Help them like you help me.
Give them your sword so that
they can save themselves from,
and I'm starting to see a pattern here,
another homicidal angel.
This conflict is between
angels and vampires.
It doesn't concern you.
My friends' lives concern me.
Help me help them.
I am helping you.
Killing the divine doesn't come easily.
Killing Balestro is impossible.
I won't let you put yourself in danger.
Sarah, I'm not a guardian angel,
but that doesn't mean
I won't watch over you
in every way I can.

- Oh.
Is Reginald home?
You just missed him.
- I'll come back.
- Hey, hey, hey.
What's on your mind?
I can hear your heartbeat's elevated.
Stress much?
I asked Uriel for his sword.
Whoa, look at you, making moves.
So where is it?
Can't kill Balestro without that sword.
He wouldn't give it to me.
Uriel is very determined to
keep me "safe from harm," so
Yeah, there's a lot
of that going around.
Uriel just blew up Reginald's big plan.
That's what I'm afraid of.
[SIGHS] Not to worry.
Reginald will adapt.
Extreme pressure's when
he does his best work.
And if saving the
entire vampire species
from extinction doesn't qualify,
I really don't know what does.
Sounds like you admire him.
Bite your tongue twice.
Reginald's got
big brain game, all right?
We need it and we need him.
But mostly, we need that fucking sword!
- You know, I hate to say it
- Then don't.
But we're dust in 20 days.
Is patrolling really
the best use of our time?
We could be with Justine, you know,
establishing a working relationship.
We can do icebreakers tomorrow.

Still think we're wasting our time?

Vampires get an expiration date
and this shit happens.
No one's even supposed to
know about Balestro's promise.
We weren't gonna
keep that secret for long.
Look, it's my job as the deacon
you want me to be
to put an end to this shit
before it gets out of hand,
set an example if I have to.
Acting like monsters
is not the best way
- to prove to Balestro that
- We're not monsters?
What if the monster's
closer than we think?
No, Angie learned her lesson.
I don't think this is her.
If it is?
Then I set an example,
no matter who it is.

Definitely not a subtle monster.
And maybe we got one
that likes to brag.
Whatever the case, it's definitely not
Angela's style to leave a calling card.


Uriel was pretty determined.
If I can't get the sword,
I don't think he's gonna give it to you.
Hope springs eternal. I'm a springy guy.
Thanks for trying anyways.
I sit there.
Oh, of course.
So how do you propose
to kill this angel?
We propose to kill him
with another angel's sword.
Where did you get
another angel's sword?
Trade secret.
Color me impressed.
I'm guessing that's not
all you have in mind.
We need to lure Balestro here
and keep him in place
long enough to kill him.
You can do that, right?
What do you think, Bellinor?
No, no, that won't work.
The Enochian language
is not meant for our tongues.
I'm sorry, who are you talking to?
My grimoire, of course.
The name that you provided, Balestro,
is that the angel's true name?
Incantatio Angeli.
But we'll need to combine it
Yes, exactly.
I agree.
Hmm. Show me.



Bellinor and I have devised a plan.
Summoning the angel
should be no problem.
After all, people do it
all the time with prayer.
The trick will be trapping the angel
long enough for you to kill it.
The spell work is very complex,
but it should be possible.
This will take time to prepare.
I'll be in touch.

So how'd it go?
- She's in.
Now we just gotta
iron out a few details.
Yeah, like that sword we don't have.
Like I said, details.
I was so sure Uriel
would give me his sword.
I'm so sorry, Reginald.
Hey, enough apologies, okay?
If I'm being honest,
I'm glad he didn't.
But you need it.
We do. You don't.
But if you need his sword to survive,
what was I supposed to do?
I don't know, mind your own business?
Helping you, helping my
friends, that is my business.
Okay, and we're grateful,
but [SIGHS]
What I want most of all,
more than surviving,
is you safe from all of this.
Okay, you care about me.
- I care about you.
- Agreed.
So I'm not gonna watch on the sidelines
while you fight for your life, okay?
I'm a part of this,
whether you like it or not.
Agree to disagree?
But please, please promise me
you'll be careful.

Welcome to Slushy Shack.
How may I help you?
What I'm looking for is not here.
Oh, you need a minute?
Yeah, yeah. Take a minute.
So, right you are.
That's a pretty big sword
you got there.
Or so I hear.
Yes. It is.
You have it with you?
'Cause, uh, I don't see anything.
And you wouldn't see it
until it was too late.
My sword only appears when I need it.
Oh, like concealed carry.
[LAUGHS] Okay, yeah. Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
Would you, uh, show it to me?
- Why?
- You ever see "Star Wars"?
Why would the stars be at war?
No, no, they're movies.
A bunch of them.
Plus an extended cinematic universe.
You only need to watch
Episodes IV, V, VI, though.
Maybe "Andor."
Anyways, but the knights,
they carry a lightsaber.
They pull out this hilt,
and it's just
a blade of light appears.
Is yours like that?
You don't fool me.
You can't have my sword.
Not even for a free pineapple surprise?
The pineapple is no longer surprising.
Dude, come on,
you drink, like, ten a day.
Yeah, because Sarah gives them to me.
It was never the slushies.

It was Sarah.

Okay, suddenly your slushy consumption
makes a whole lot more sense now.
So, Sarah. Okay.
What do you think you're gonna do?
What should I do?
Give me your sword, just a brief loan,
and I will teach you
everything there is
to know about modern romance.
I can't. I'm sorry.
I'll have to learn
everything there is to know
by some other means.
You got it bad, huh?
[SIGHS] Yeah, I know the feeling.

Gah! Mm! I'm a sucker for love.
Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna tell you the key
to winning Sarah's heart.

Hey. Anything I can do?

Are you all right?
I'm fine
now that I found my dinner.
Listen to me.
Tell me, dear heart,
what frightens you the most?
What is with you people?
Very well.
For this next part,
you must hold very, very still.
Aranei videntur.
Oh, look.
And there it is, the opening
strains of my favorite song,
"The Sound of Fear."
Get that adrenaline pumping.
It makes the blood
taste so much sweeter.
Reptantes trans corpus.
Feel them now,
hundreds of tiny little legs
scurrying up your body,
up the backs of your legs,
over your thighs, higher.
Multiplicantur, multo.
Just look at them multiplying.
So many now.
Feel them under your clothes,
against your skin and your hair.
It's okay to scream.
Pulsa, pulsa, pulsa.


- I do love the classics.


And now for dessert.

Uriel. Whatcha doing here so early?
Todd has been teaching me
all about modern romance.
Uh, how's that going?
Todd says that if I'm
to have a chance with you,
I need to tell you how I feel.
Oh, boy.
I have found many treasures
in this world,
but none as precious as you.
Oh, wow.
Um, Uriel, please stand up.
Stand up.
Um, thank you for the kind words
and the chocolates, but I
Todd also says
that the road to your heart
is to give you what you most desire.

I will help you help your friends.

Are you sure about this?
If you are.
Wielding a sword of the divine
is not a simple undertaking.
There are consequences.
Do you accept this burden?
Oh, you bet I do.
You have the heart of a hero.

I trust you will
use my sword with honor.
I believe you will emerge triumphant.
Thank you.
I will try to be worthy of this gift.
But you already are.


You're deathly afraid of birds?
Oh, what fun. I love birds.
Aves minantes videntur.
Listen to me. Run.
Well, that's no fun.
That was you two nights ago.
What can I say? I like to leave a mark.
Well, you're done with all
that, starting right now.
Don't be such a killjoy, Maurice.
After a long day of precision
spell work, I need to unwind.
I guess you didn't
hear me the first time.
I said you're done.
You think you can stop me?
Do you know who I am?
I don't care.
This is torture, not Sunday dinner.
Feeding is meant to sustain us,
not provide us entertainment.
There's no reason it can't do both.
You know, vampires like you
are the reason
Balestro is gonna end us.
Which is why we're killing him first.
But you don't get to ask
for my help and then judge me.
And nobody survives without my help.
When I'm done, when I'm the hero
who saved us all
from Balestro's vengeance,
the Council will lift the sanction
against my siring more witches.
I'll have a coven again,
but only if you keep my secret.
Will you keep my secret, Maurice?
Hell, no.
I was afraid you were gonna say that.
I think I'll cast
something very special.
Adlevabis, adleva
No spells tonight, Justine.
Ad adle adlevab

Reginald home?
Went on a run.
A coffee run.
Oh, looks like you found your monster.
I did.
It was Justine.
No, you didn't.
You fucking moron! We needed her.
She didn't give me a choice.
She didn't give one to you
or you didn't give one to her?
She was torturing people.
So she liked to play with her food.
Justine was a danger to us too.
She was our last,
best chance of survival,
and you fucking killed it.
You killed Justine!
You what?
Batman killed our witch!
- Yeah.
- What what about our plan?
Thank you!
It was me or Justine.
You gonna tell me
I made the wrong call too?
No, of course not.
In that case, of course
we're happy that you're here
and she's not.
I'm sorry.
You warned me. I should have listened.
We had to try.
Okay, setting aside
the appalling sentimentality,
what the hell are we
supposed to do now?
I have Uriel's sword.

Wait, is everything all right?
A lot better than it was before.
Really much-needed, great news.

Um, that was weird.
I'm guessing Uriel
didn't explain this part?
The sword only works for you.
He said I was a hero.
And we're fucked all over again.
This is exactly what I didn't want,
you in the middle of this fight.
But I'm part of this, remember?
Maybe a little more
than expected, but
I don't know, Reggie.
This situation is
sideways enough as it is.
Are you sure?
Trust me.
I've got this.
- We're doomed.
- Okay, you know what?
No, no.
The plan is still sound, okay?
We just gotta capture Balestro,
and Sarah will kill him.
And we don't need Justine
to trap Balestro.
All we need is her grimoire.
Wait. What happened to Justine?
Long story.

- Ah!
- What?
False alarm. Dust bunny.
Don't judge.
It was bigger than my foot,
and it moved.

You need to check this out.

Keep searching.
The book has to be here somewhere.
Those are useless without it.

That's creepy.
The doll's eyes follow you.


Grimoire unlocked.
- So we're back in business.
- Almost.
It's time for me to become a witch.
I'm pretty sure it's warlock.
Hey, you've gotta be
a bad bitch to be a witch,
so I'm about it.

- Sarah?
- Hey.
I can do magic.
Oh! Ah!
Ow, ow! Sisto.
- Impressive.
So you ready?
As ready as I'll ever be.
Aren't you scared?
Just a little?
- We'd be crazy not to be.
- Right? [CHUCKLES]
But we can't let it paralyze us.
- Okay.
- Okay?
We have to try. And you know what?
With me casting the spells and
and you swinging the sword,
we got this.
Okay. You're right.
Let's go be heroes together.
I will say the summoning spell.
Balestro will hopefully appear
in the middle and be trapped,
and Sarah will make with the stabbing.
Are we ready?
Balestro, te invoco, veni.
Descendens ex caelis, appropinquans
ad terram, adesto.
Balestro, te invoco, te defixi.
Manifestabis atque manebis.
Shit! Okay.
God, I really hope
I said the right things.
Okay, here we go.
What the?
This is fun. What are we waiting for?
What are you doing here?
You called, I answered.
Wasn't that the point?
Yeah, but you're supposed
to be here, not there.

- Oh, shit.
- Shit.
Heavy on the theatrics.
I do appreciate the Latin, but candles?
Setting the mood?
So if the sword failed,
it would be torture?
How is it that
even on the brink of death,
you continue to disappoint?
I granted you vampires a gift,
knowledge of the exact moment
of your death.
30 days. 720 hours. 43,200 minutes.
And you've wasted that time
devising ill-conceived plots
and murderous deceptions.
All you've done
is prove me right again.
The dead cannot appreciate the living.
You are a blight.
Deceitful monsters of the dark
who must be eradicated.
Oh, and on that note,
you have 17 days left to live.
Wrap up this party and go home.

We failed.
It happens.
And now we die.
Hey, no. We can't just give up.
You can do this, Reggie.
I know you can.
Yeah, well, I remain pessimistic.
Look, Sarah's right, Reggie.
You'll think of something
bigger and better.
I know you will.
How am I supposed to top
trapping an angel with magic?
My sword turned
into tiny, flying babies.
Heroes together?
Remember the first night we met?
I came in here looking for a job
and Todd was absolutely
not gonna hire me.
Yeah, until I made him.
A lot of firsts for us.
First joke.
First laugh after.
First time we played the song game.
First time I walked you home.
First time we kissed.
That's a big one.
Yes, it is.
And I fucked it all up.
I broke us.
you have to know that hurting you
was the biggest regret of my life,
no matter how much time is left in it.
And instead of facing that,
facing you and what I did,
I ran away like a coward.
I ran away to Spokane.

That's where I ran away to.
Spokane! Ah!
Okay, you seem really
enthusiastic about Spokane.
Still confused.
Abraham is like a half angel,
half vampire Nephilim.
He's crazy powerful, off the charts.
He trapped himself
in an endless time loop
to escape Nikki's killer-diller
partner in crime,
until Maurice and I saved him.
This could be it.
This is the bigger and better.
Sarah, if there's anyone that
could help us, it's Abraham.
I knew you'd think of something.
I need to find Maurice.
It's time for a road trip.

Road trip?

I've been thinking.
You know, I'm very much pro-thinking,
but I'm in the middle
of a packing crisis.
Also, how much clothes
is too much clothes
for saving the world?
I can help you with the packing.
What are you packed for?
I'm going with you.
Wait, what?
Spokane, Abraham, count me in.
Whoa, no. That is way too dangerous.
Justine's powers are nothing
compared to Abraham's.
Don't care.
I'm team vampire all the way.
Charter member.
And if this could save you
from disaster and woe,
then I'm all-in.
We are so appreciative
of you joining the team.
- I've been thinking.
- You already said that.
You could be dead in two weeks.
I mean, a couple days longer, but yeah,
my possible fate in a nutshell.
My feelings about you
are very complicated.
I totally understand.
But if this is true,
if we or if I lose you,
I just I don't have time
to think about
what that means right now.
So I just I wanna
spend all the time with you
from now until that midnight.
I don't wanna put a name on it.
I don't wanna forecast a future
that we might not have.
I just wanna spend all the time.

We're going on a road trip.
You and me.
Already established.
To find Abraham in Spokane.

Sh should we hug? I
Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Many thanks, but I'll wait
for a Sarah slushy.
They taste better.
Oh, dude. Um, Sarah's not coming.
She's going on a trip with Reginald.
I don't understand.
I gave her my sword.
Which I'm sure she appreciated.
Yeah, yeah.
But while you chose her,
she chose Reginald.

Sometimes the one you want
doesn't want you back.
Look, they have history
and this whole inevitability vibe.
You were already
fighting an uphill ba

Never thought I'd guide an angel
through his first heartbreak,
but here we go.
Sometimes love sucks.
Just does.
On the bright side,
and there is a bright side,
even if it doesn't feel
like it right now,
when you find the right one,
it is life-changing.
Life changing?
Yeah. Yeah. Like me and Mike.
He sees me.
He the real me.
And he accepts me for who I am.
No one's ever cared about me
the way Mike has.

And I know you don't wanna
hear this right now,
but your Mike is out there.
I don't want a Mike.
Your person, the right one for you,
they're out there waiting for you.
You just you have to go look.
How did this happen?
My sword is gone.
Sarah is gone.

I've lost everything.
You won't always feel this way.
Trust me.
You will get through this.

We all do.




Oh, brother, I have forsaken you.
I delivered the means
of your end to mortal hands
because she wished it.

All I wanted was to please her.

Is this what it means to fall?
I have betrayed my brethren,
betrayed you.
Oh, Balestro
I beg of you,
forgive me.
Today ♪
I lost my forever ♪
When my sweetheart ♪
Walked away ♪
Oh, what I'd give ♪
To be with her ♪
In my dreams ♪
Previous EpisodeNext Episode